Disbelief (And How To Tackle It)

My kind savage your heart. We pollute your mind. We ravage your soul. One of the all-pervasive elements of your entanglement with us is just how unbelievable it all is. This operates in two ways. You find it unbelievable at the time and you find it unbelievable afterwards, although often in a different way. This creates confusion, bewilderment, emotional overload and paralysis which are as you are now aware, are key components of exerting control over you. This unbelievable behaviour is found at every stage of your entanglement.

  1. Seduction

It is unbelievable just how amazing our love for you is when you are being love-bombed, it is unbelievable but you will not reject it because it feels so wonderful, so uplifting and so joyous. It is then unbelievable later that someone who loved you in such a way could suddenly stop doing so. Even later, you still find it unbelievable that it was fake. Surely we did love you? Surely we had those feelings for you? It is unbelievable that we could not have done. Do you see how this lack of believability can twist and turn, morphing into a new angle, yet remaining in place to confuse and puzzle you?

  1. Devaluation

It is unbelievable that somebody can turn to quickly from being loving to being awful. It is unbelievable that a person can behave in such a way towards somebody who they say that they love. It is unbelievable how long you put up with this behaviour for. It is unbelievable that this behaviour could last for as long as it did. It is unbelievable that this person cannot understand what they are doing and see what they are doing is wrong. It is unbelievable that they cannot be helped.

  1. Discard

It is unbelievable that someone can just vanish like that. It is unbelievable that someone can move on to someone else in the blink of an eye. It is unbelievable that the new target cannot see what is really happening. It is unbelievable that the new victim won’t accept what you tell them about us. It is unbelievable how we ignore you, refuse to speak to you and treat you like we never knew you after everything that has been said and done. It is unbelievable that you have been treated like this after everything that you did. It is unbelievable that he is saying so many lies and hurtful things to other people about you.

  1. The Post Discard Hoover

It is unbelievable that someone can just waltz back into your life like nothing has happened and carry on as normal. It is unbelievable how much you want that person to contact you even though you have suffered terribly. It is unbelievable just how much you miss this person. It is unbelievable how he has said all those horrible things to other people and then brushes it to one side.

It is unbelievable that you want this person so much. It is unbelievable that you cannot stop thinking about us.

So many unbelievable matters and what is the cumulative effect of all this? You are bewildered, unable to comprehend what has happened, unable to make sense of it all and you are left a whirlpool of emotions. You are dizzy, disorientated and unable to pick a path to stick to in order to reach safety. You can be picked off again with ease by our kind.

To add to the sheer unbelievable nature of what you have endured is the fact that so few people can actually understand what has happened either. They may have been brainwashed by us, they may just not want to get involved or they just cannot understand how somebody can behave like that and think you are either exaggerating or they are so stunned they cannot offer you any practical assistance. The power of this lack of believability and the effect of disbelief are substantial and they act as double hammer blows against your recovery.

How do you tackle the sheer scale of disbelief from both you and those around you?

  1. Understand what you have been entangled with. Really understand.
  2. Understand that our kind operate in a different reality to you.
  3. Avoid over analysis of our motives. Until you grasp points one and two, such analysis is futile and detrimental.
  4. Do you really need so many people to believe you? Are you not propounding the pain by repeatedly explaining it to people who are unwilling or unable to help? Don’t approach this in a scattergun manner.
  5. Don’t seek answers from us. You won’t get them. Ever.
  6. Do not expect everyone to understand. They have not experienced it.
  7. Identify promptly those who can be relied on and ensure they understand. Conserve your energy for these true supporters and do not waste it on lost causes.
  8. Read, read and read so you understand.
  9. Build your vessel of logic and understanding. You need it to get across the emotional sea which this disbelief is keeping you in.
  10. Use independent evidence, not just your say so, to support your position and break down disbelief.
  11. Accept some people will always be on our side. Don’t waste time trying to persuade them. You are not going to convince them.
  12. Don’t waste time trying to tell the world at large about how awful we are. You may want everyone to know but this is a futile exercise. We have already smeared you and you are just paying into our hands.
  13. Don’t bother attacking our façade unless you have the energy and credible independent exercise. You will use up valuable energy trying to tackle a wall that believes us and not you.
  14. Many people experience our kind but few people understand that they have done so. It is hard trying to persuade people that they have encountered a narcissist. We make it that way.
  15. Ultimately, it is you who matters most and has to shake the disbelief ahead of everybody else. Concentrate on that.

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16 Comments

  1. HG,

    Thank you. Believe me , part of my essential preparation will be a consult with you! I am going to get some of your books , just have to figure out how to read them without a kindle?

    Pati,

    I think your situation is the most like mine . I don’t think there are many long term married people here ? You must be as resilient as me to have put up with the BS for so long.
    Thank you for your kind wishes, I wish you the same . :)

    1. Lamb,

      You can obtain the free Kindle app which you can use on any electronic device or you can email me and I can assist you with regard to access the material an alternative way.

    2. Lamb
      I thought the same when I first came here – no Kindle. You can download the Kindle app (free) onto your tablet or phone. When you purchase the books it goes to your kindle app and you read the books on whatever device the app is on.

  2. Addendum: I started reading “Chained”. Immediately recognize myself ! I’m sure this will shed more light as, just within the opening pages, you address problems I presented in the previous comment.

  3. What you present in this article is so accurate. After experiencing the “unbelievables” in relation to the bronarc, I’m convinced no contact was the only solution. Once the inheritance issues were settled I started real no contact. The peace of mind knowing I won’t get the nasty invasions through text and email has been great. I don’t cringe when I open my email inbox anymore. I do think he may show up at my house one day or find so other means to invade my space.

    At the end of the article you list 15 insights for dealing with the ”unbelievables”. These will help as time goes on. I think I have a good understanding of what I have been entangled with (1) from reading your work. But, I don’t really grasp the “different reality” (2), and I’m not sure I ever will. However, based on reading, research and experience, I believe it is true. I’ve acted as though it is true by implementing no contact.

    I still struggle with what you present in the three sentences below. I do actually believe the 3 ideas are true as my experience confirms them. But, these 3 things have caused so much hurt for so long and I am still so angry that someone can be this way. I guess it may take a while and I will continue to read. Really envy those who indicate they have made a quick turnaround from narc abuse as that has certainly not been the case for me. Studying your work has gotten me much closer to healthy than I otherwise would have been. It has also given me hope that I can continue to improve and become stronger especially improving emotional thinking.

    The 3 sentences:

    “Unbelievable that this person cannot understand what they are doing and that what they are doing is wrong.” “Unbelievable that they cannot be helped.” “Unbelievable that someone could waltz back into your life and carry on as normal.” And I will add, unbelievable they can never, ever admit any fault.

  4. I’m putting your work to a test. So far it’s fascinating! I’m definitely in a danger zone but it’s incredible just how correct you are Mr.H

  5. Regarding #3; isn’t it necessary to analyze so we can counteract what the narc is doing, or at least know how to react to things they do/say to us ??

    1. No, that is emotional thinking. You should not be allowing the narcissist to do things to you or say things to you through the imposition of a rigid no contact regime. You have no need to engage in any way with the narcissist.

      1. HG,
        I have no choice, we reside together. Sometimes I have to reply to his nonsense, when he crosses a boundary. Sometimes I ignore it, depends on the situation. Hence my walking on eggshells. Never know what I’m getting, Jekyll or Hyde.
        If we didn’t reside together I would have no problem never seeing or speaking to him again. How could I after the hell he’s put me through.

        1. Hello Lamb, you have a choice. Leave. Of course it will require effort and application to do so, but it is eminently achievable.

          You cannot successfully co-exist with a narcissist in a romantic entanglement.

          1. HG,

            I could leave, but I won’t leave my home . The home I raised my children in. I’ve done nothing wrong, however if / when it comes to a divorce I have plenty of proof of the wrongdoing he’s done , spanning decades.
            He will be completely fucked , professionally, financially, and personally.
            I’ve told him in the past, “ do not mistake my kind heart for weakness “.
            Divorce will be very painful for me, but it will be even more painful for him.
            Trying to reduce my ET by reading here in order to prepare for anything he attempts to throw at me .
            I realise I must remain calm during that process.

          2. You could leave the home if you want to achieve no contact. If you do not wish to, fair enough, understand that is likely to elongate the process and make it more difficult, but it also does not mean that the process is one whereby it is fruitless for you. Since you have the proof, proceed with the divorce, use the application of the law to achieve your aims. You need to utilise the Divorcing A Narcissist AP and furthermore arrange a consult with me so you are prepared, that means you will succeed and with the minimal damage, as no doubt you have suffered enough already.

          3. Hi Lamb,
            We are in the same boat. I am married for 23 years and 4 kids . You are on the right track being here on the blog. HG is fantastic!
            Please try and do a Narc Detector to help you find out which school and Cadre he belongs to.
            Then if you can speak with HG
            At least you are applying for divorce good for you . We are all here for you and wish you all the best. As i said my husband is a Narcissist but he is good with his kids but not with me. There are different flavours of Narcissist and they are all different
            Good luck sweety !

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