Love Is A Taught Construct
How do you know how to love? Did you sit wide-eyed in front a large screen as colourful costumed characters hugged one another to a saccharine sound-track so this imbued you with the concept of what love was? Did those cartoon characters explain to you what it is to love? Did their exaggerated voices and crazy antics, followed by the moral of the story teach you what love is?
Perhaps you read about it in love, heard it in songs and studied the many ways in which this ultimate emotion appears and affects people. Chances are that you have been affected by those hugely affecting passages from the great works dedicated to love. Chances are you have been captured by haunting lyrics and catchy jingles which also profess to tell you what love is.
They have all played a part. You may have learned about love from the version churned out by the media, of Hollywood romance, dashing heroes, fair maidens, tarts with golden hearts, the good man who rides to the rescue, the wayward soul saved by love. Love may have been explained to you from the pulpit as a higher love, something which transcends all earthly manifestations, a love so powerful and complete that it sacrificed its only son in order to demonstrate its love for humankind.
This godly love is all around you, it touches each and all and is mighty in its effects. Love may have been learned from furtive fumbles down alleyways, sneaking into bedrooms when so young, the exploration of warm and urgent body parts accompanied by those every so sincere protestations of love.
A haphazard journey through galloping teen years as nothing and everything makes sense all at once. Then again, love might have appeared to you in the form of something small and furry, an unconditional (so long as it was fed) love which was loyal, giving and ever so cute. So many erudite tutors, learned lecturers and wise proponents of what love is.
Love thy neighbour, love yourself, love is all you need, woman in love, it must have been love, crazy little thing called love, to know him is to love him, we found love, how deep is your love? Love is all around us, in us, between us, lifting us up and letting us down. It is everywhere and you may well have been taught by many of the above and more besides as to what love is.
However, love most likely will have been taught to you by those who created you, those two people who came together and through their own pleasure created you. Two people who decided that they would shoulder the responsibility of creating life, nurturing it and bringing a new person into the world.
Those two people accepted many, many responsibilities from such a decision and act. Chief among them was the responsibility of teaching that person what love is. Through their offices they have furnished each and every one of us with the notion of what love is. A deep-seated and visceral understanding of this is how love feels, this is what it looks like, this is what it sounds like.
This is love. From those two people more than anything else we are first grounded in the concept of what love is. This grounding lasts a considerable time and whilst there are other factors to be considered, as I have mentioned above, it is this lesson which is learnt invariably first and the one lesson which resonates beyond all others. So often we are in their hands when it comes to being taught about love. So, what is this taught love? It has so many, many facets.
Love is being told to never trust anybody.
Love is being made to re-write the entire essay because of one spelling mistake.
Love is being sent to stand outside on a cold winter’s day until all three verses of Ode to Autumn are recited correctly.
Love is knowing nothing is ever good enough.
Love is understanding that someone else knows better than you what is best for you.
Love is turning away from the reality.
Love is standing straight against a wall for several hours for speaking out of turn.
Love is for the weak.
Love is being told that when I am gone nobody else will look out for you.
Love is succeeding.
Love is building a wall as high as possible.
Love is trying until it hurts and gaining that final curt nod of approval.
Love is being seen and not heard.
Love is fulfilling your potential and securing that legacy.
Love is hurting you even though it hurts me, but someone in this household has to do it and it won’t be him will it?
Love is reading to yourself than being read to.
Love is living in the shadows and hoping not to be noticed.
Love is being the best.
Love is the preserve of the powerful.
Love is being denied a birthday party because the other children are too stupid.
Love is being undermined in order to prevent conceit.
Love is a begrudged recognition and the injunction to try harder, go further, climb higher, run faster, study longer.
Love is burning your hand but not crying.
Love is don’t tell anybody about our secret.
Love is a righteous beating.
Love is being distant and pretending things never happened.
Love is being sent away.
Love is not being told.
Love is splendid isolation.
Love was taught this way.
42 thoughts on “Love Is A Taught Construct”
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HG 💝
When I first read this magnificent work I cried to sleep. I think of it often and shed tears for you. It will be in my heart for the rest of my life. You turned into a wonderful person with impeccable standards. You would never do anything like they did to you, an innocent child. They aren’t human to me. I would destroy them myself if I could. I’m furious they did this to you.
Reading this post makes me feel sick, every time. So many children being abused and no one to help. The empathic parent, when there is one, bears a lot of responsibility and the moment they put their partner ahead of the child, it’s over. That child, unless he or she possesses NPD-resistant genes, is lost to narcissism (and lots of other people will suffer because of that, at a later juncture).
Empaths must be educated, so that they can recognise, act and protect. There also needs to be a general shift in mentality. We must realise that not all parents are good parents, not all mothers love their children, etc. It’s difficult to accept for many, it’s uncomfortable, but it’s true.
The fact that, as HG says, narcissism starts to cement around age 6-9 is particularly worrying, because it’s very early in a person’s life. It means there is not much time to act.
HG, do you like it when the woman who loves you chases you? Or are you annoyed by it, for example during the devaluation period?
It all depends on whether the individual is painted black or white, how it fits into the matrix of control and where that person sits in the fuel matrix. This is complicated and that is why it is pointless a victim trying to fathom it out.
Love is a killer – VIKEN
it is not Pati, the main problem is: that word means different things to diferent people, but evrybody assumes that evrybody else has the same definition as them.
Hi Liza,
No, its a song from the group called Viken. It describes how I feel about my relationship at the moment .
Everyone has their own interpretation.
Hugs xoxo
i just read the lyrics of the song, indeed, it is a sad description, hope it will get better soon. Hugs to you too Pati
Thank you Liza !
Liza: I once told a guy that I dated for a few dates, and he was the last guy that I dated before I saw the Narcissist for the first time: you will not have to love me, but you will have to respect me. Darn it!!!!!! I considered a false choice for myself. And, i considered myself sounding very sophisticated at the time by saying that. Hahaha. Happily, it did not work out anyway. Anyone would have to do both in the future, both love me and respect me, or I shall easily pass the baton to another woman to deal with him. There are way more women than men out there to assist him to prosper without me being involved. No worries on my end. I am now enjoying being single very much (the absolute majority of the time with a few bad days thrown in, now and then, of course). It is going to take something in comparison to an earthquake for me to give up being single, at this point. And I am still happy for those that find someone to share their life with, in a good way, as well.
PSE,
absolutly ! either love and respect or nothing !
being single is amazing, free from any control,
i’m clearly not good at being in love, i was even amazed at how the narcissist seemed unbothered with my clumsiness.
for now i very well intend on staying single, i have too many things to do, and i need to sort my messy head.
any way the normal me does not fall in love with real humans in the first place, so shouldn’t be a problem.
is it too much to ask for the univers to creat kuroro lucifer for me
Liza: We have the right to be picky. It serves no one to be settled upon. Or, to chose one guy while being in love with another, and all of that sort of thing. It only leads to bad things. So, if you find that sort of guy you desire, let me know, and I will likewise. I want a guy like the lead in One Outs. And he reminds me of HG, as well. Is it too much to ask for us to find our guy. Maybe, maybe not. Single has its pluses. RIght now I am on my computer, with a new beautiful candle in a holder with gold markings, and my fingernails are drying, all while I am drinking a little wine, because I can sleep now, because I had insomnia when HG was not posting (the insomnia happened to me as well when he was away earlier this year or so–I have no idea why), and there is no one frowning at me, over anything at all right now. Yay!!!!!
PSE,
i totaly agree that one should never date if they are in love with someone else, it is cruel toward the person, it is like using them as a human tissu, without any regard for their feelings.
haha the lead of one out? too muscular and too blond, jet black haire is not negotiable for me.
Mr.HG is like a cool uncle, or the main antagonist in a video game, their is no way i can see him in a romantic way, you killed me ith your insomnia thing.
Princess—it’s good to hear this sentiment re,
being single. I’m over the moon not to have any accountability of my time to someone. I like having coffee alone and feel stifled by someone around very often. It may be a direct correlation to what occurred with my ex spouse—the need to be his constant beating post for his bullshit control issue. I just wish someone would have sent me a memo years back letting me know what was going on! The good thing is that I know I don’t need anyone and that is light years ahead of feeling like I have to be with someone. When that happens the someone can become anyone and then viola—making excuses for another bad relationship.
Lorelei: I think multi-floor Mansions will be the way to go, for some of us that are more aware now, of many things. Lots of space and breathing room, even though everyone is under the same roof, so to speak. Like that TV series Downton Abbey: Even the servants had space. Much more peaceful that way. And it is so odd, that now that I am well into my GOSO, I rarely drink, but before, when I was mourning over and weeping over the Narcississt, I would drink some wine every weekend. I had one glass of this wine tonight in celebration that HG is back and in one piece, and he still sounds like himself and he seems to be in good form. Huzzah!
I would jump off a bridge before I ever married again. Oh wait—I swim and as soon as I hit the water I’d be dumb enough to start paddling.
So much of this wasn’t far off from experiences in my own family. I’ve been with my brother all day—it amazes me that we could have turned out so differently. It’s interesting when you write with a more vulnerable message about your history. You may not feel it but the readers do.
while reading this article, i was verry furious and disgusted with matrinarc, and verry sorry for little HG, but when i thought of the tittle you gave it, and the answer you gave me on an other coment, i’m actually also sorry for matrinarc, may be it was what she, herself thought was love.
This is very sad, I relate to it.
I was, and still am, given very poor illustrations of how love would be expressed to me. Yet I managed to be strong and rise above that and provide improved examples of how love would be shown by me to others.
My family sucks and I am the black sheep. I am beginning to understand, now, it is because of my normality.
No, njfilly, it’s probably because of your empathy. I feel like the black sheep all the time too.
Yes, SweetP. You are probably correct.
Love is compromising.
Love is not to hurt someone intentionally
Love is show affection and hold one another.
Love is communicating.
I am sorry you had to go through this is your childhood HG it is very emotional.
That little boy on the cover must be you.
Big Hugs to you .
This was very difficult to read. I want so much more for you, and I’m sure everyone else here does too. I’m very sorry you had to grow up in that. Much love to you, even if you don’t want it, you deserve it. 💗
Thank you
Love is having to put loose change by the bedside in case someone has to summon the police from a pay phone.
Yeah, I’m dating myself.
Love is also pretending “everything is fine” not only in school, but among family members unless an “incident” is happening at that very moment, because we’re a “good family,” meaning highly educated with successful careers.
HG YOU ARE DESERVING OF SO MUCH BETTER!
If I could turn back the hands of time, be there with you as a child, I would take you in my arms, and hold you, rock you, comfort you with sweet caresses and loving, tender kisses. I would wipe your tears away and tell you everything will be alright.
My heart breaks for you.
Can’t wait until you release your book The Creature, HG.
I had similar childhood but i was rejected and abused by my whole family.
None of them were role models for me. My eldest brother used to be my role model when i was teenager though. Opinion of my teachers and people whom i admired and respected mattered more than of opinion of my family about me.
Internet is my parent. My parents didn’t teach me almost anything about life, relationships, how to deal and behave in certain situations. Thus i had to learn some life lessons hard way because of being neglected. My problems and feelings were invalidated and minimized. I learned about my dad mostly from my mother and his friends. I didn’t learn anything about his past from himself. I never felt close to them.
Let’s add some more to your list.
Love is exchanging role with your mother and listening to her woes constantly as she portrays herself to be helpless.
Love is not demanding attention from your dad because he comes tired after work. He needs to be left alone.
Love is not sharing your problems in order not make your parents feel worried about you. Because i will be the one who will have to support them emotionally and not the other way around.
Love is being denied to be supported financially for not doing and behaving as your dad wanted(or even because of protecting your mother from his physical abuse)…
“From the notes that I’ve made so far
Love seems something like wanting a scar.“
Yes, but it’s a scar that provides you with expertise, prestige, and cachet.
Love is being made to re-write the entire essay because of one spelling mistake.
Love is being sent to stand outside on a cold winter’s day until all three verses of Ode to Autumn are recited correctly.
This made me cry. NO. That is not love. Love is knowing that you are completely messed up and still have good feelings for you. Love is wanting you to be happy. Love is wanting you to experience love.
SP, i agree with you. I am happy seeing my kids do what makes them happy . My daughter had one spelling mistake on her test the other day and I told her its ok everyone makes mistakes. This is life we are not perfect we all learn from our mistakes and no one is perfect I hugged her tight and asked her what birthday cake she would like for her party next week I held her tight.
Pati, in a way it reminded me of my father. He never cared about me or my siblings but occasionally he wanted to test if I had prepared the lesson for Monday. So on Sunday night he called me to ask me the lesson. As a little child with a very good memory I proceeded to recite the lesson. He immediately started yelling saying I was just reciting like a parrot and didn’t comprehend was I was saying. I was 7-8. He made me cry every time and ever since, Sundays have become my most hated, anxiety-driven day of the week. Bad parenting fucks up lives.
SP, i am sorry you had to go through that. Homework for me is important and i want them to do well and try their best . Thats all !
Happy Anniversary on your first year on the blog! Your amazing !
Thank you Pati! Ditto! 😘
Awwwww ! 😘
He was hoping you’d get so nervous you couldn’t recite at all (per Mr. Murdstone in David Copperfield). When that didn’t happen, he had to find something else.
Fuel by any other means would smell as sweet.
Sounds very familiar, SP. I moved 8000 miles away from my family, my father is dead and still, every Sunday I get anxious and a little depressed. Every Sunday evening he would ask about grades and homework, he always knew everything better and “loved” tutoring us in math. Every single time it ended with him freaking out and yelling and us kids crying. Many years later he would “explain” himself by saying he only wanted to push us to do even better. Yes, bad parenting fucks up lives. I’m a grown up woman and still try to make him happy.
Wow Evon, I was reading through your comment and getting shivers. That was my life. But my dad never apologized for anything not even now, he’s still alive but I put an ocean in between though I’ll be there shortly for Christmas. This year instead of arguing with him I’m giving him the silent treatment. Btw, hope you have a quiet Sunday …
SP, I can imagine how you’re feeling about going home for Christmas… I haven’t been home once since he died, even though I know that it would make my mom very happy. She’s still living in that house we grew up in and I just can’t do it.
My Sundays are getting better, thank you! I distract myself by meeting friends. I have a hard time being by myself that day.