No Contact Suicide – Part Two

NC PART TWO

I have explained previously that there are two guaranteed ways by which you will cause your no contact regime to be breached. The first method is as a consequence of you contacting us first, where we anticipate that you will make that contact with us, be it in person, by telephone call, text message or social media contact. The second method by which you commit no contact suicide arises where we contact you, but you, in effect left the door wide open. In a way, to describe it as no contact suicide is slightly misleading because for suicide to be committed, this presupposes that no contact was actually in place to begin with. Many people may well think that they have imposed no contact, but they have not done so and this second form of ‘suicide’ is very common indeed.

The second method of committing no contact suicide is where you leave open a route by which we may contact you of an electronic nature. Accordingly, this mistake includes :-

  • Not blocking our telephone number
  • Not blocking our e-mail address
  • Not blocking us on every social media platform
  • Not changing your telephone number(s)
  • Not changing your e-mail address(es)
  • Not removing yourself from every social media platform

You will notice that there are two parts to ensuring a robust no contact regime when it concerns electronic communications. The first is to prevent us from contacting you using our existing platform – we can call or text you from our existing number and it gets through, we can continue to e-mail you from our existing e-mail address, we are able to post messages to your social media and send direct messages from our relevant account or accounts.

You may be surprised to learn that many people do not block us when they are supposedly implementing no contact. For a smaller percentage this is because those individuals have misunderstood the concept of no contact. They think it is all about ensuring that the victim does not contact the narcissist and therefore believes, mistakenly, that numbers ought not to be blocked because the victim believes they will resist the urge to contact the narcissist (thus avoiding No Contact Suicide Part One). A further percentage do so either naively or arrogantly because they believe that the narcissist has gone. The victim believes that since the narcissist raged at them and told them it was over and that they never wanted to see the victim again, that must mean this was the ‘final discard’.

As I have stated many, many times, there is no such thing as a Final Discard

You may think that you have caused massive wounding to the narcissist, that you exposed the narcissist in such a way that there is no way on earth that the narcissist is going to hoover you. So many times I have read comments and questions from my readers where they state

‘There is no chance of him hoovering me, not after the way I made him go beserk.”

“She would not dare to hoover me, not since she knows that I know what she is really like and that I will tell everyone.”

“He has someone else and after the way he left me, he is not going to come back and hoover me.”

Such thinking is complacent and dangerous.

There is always a risk of a hoover.

Furthermore, if you think you have put in place a no contact regime but have left the door open by not blocking our access to you through any and all electronic means of contacting you, then you WILL be hoovered. It may not be straight away (especially if the narcissist has selected a new prospect who we are infatuated with) but it will happen. I see comments from people stating that they have not heard from the narcissist in three weeks. Three weeks? That is nothing. Others may say it has been silent for six months and therefore they know they are safe. Rubbish. I hoovered somebody after a gap of twelve years.

If you do not block us from ‘phone, e-mail and/or social media you are inviting a hoover. Why is this?

  1. We are creatures of economy. If there is a simple, straight-forward and low energy method of contacting you, we will take it. Consider this, if we could not contact you through electronic communication, what are some of our alternative options? Write a pen and paper letter to you? Organise a lieutenant to hoover you in person or by telephone? Send you a gift? Attend on you in person? Those are all options but they require more effort (and sometimes considerably more) than the simple action of sending a text stating ‘Hi’.
  2. It invites a swift response from you. As your emotional thinking surges on receipt of the message, it is so easy for you to type a reply and answer before you even grasp what you are doing and what you are inviting. You can pause before opening  a dgift, you may work out a Lieutenant is hoovering you on our behalf and therefore keep your emotional thinking under better control and therefore provide no information to this Lieutenant. You may recognise the hand-writing on an envelope and pause before opening it, your logic attempting to keep you from falling prey to the emotional thinking. Once that text has landed, showing our name and message, sometimes even on your locked screen, then you are much more likely to respond to it.
  3. The electronic medium allows us to dip a toe in the water. This is especially important for Mid Range Narcissists. If we were to attend on you in person and you ignore us, this causes substantial wounding. In order to avoid this, our kind prefer to be in a position to test the water first. If you ignore a social media message, yes it will wound, but it will not be substantial and we will try at least one more time. If you respond, be it pleasantly or unpleasantly, you have still responded and this signals to us that you will do so again. If your response is pleasant, we instinctively know that we are pushing an open door so we shall text/message again. The messages become an exchange, become a conversation and then emboldened and encourage and also fuelled, we speak with you on the telephone, knowing that you will not reject us and then we meet and before you realise you are in our bed and in our grasp once again. The electronic medium enables us to create a landing point without too much risk and once established it becomes a bridge head for further messages as we hoover you hard.
  4. Even if you do not respond (and we anticipate that you will) we know you will see the message and this will provide us with Thought Fuel. This may give way to feeling wounded when time passes and there is no response, but we still gathered some Thought Fuel beforehand.
  5. Our need to exert control is so great that if you present us with an easy way of getting in touch with you, we will take it. You may as well send us the keys to your house and leave the front door open. Even if you have wounded us in the past, the impact of that fades over time (and indeed is often outweighed by our expectation of high quality hoover fuel, the need to assert our superiority, to get control over you again and in certain instances to punish you). We will not pass up the opportunity to hoover you if you have left an electronic gate open.

Accordingly, if you do not block us from all methods of electronic communication then you are committing no contact suicide. You will be hoovered and your attempt at no contact has failed. It is highly likely that our hoovering will prove successful and we will garner fuel from you as well as resurrecting the Formal Relationship (as and when we choose).

I know there are many of you who want to be hoovered because you want that contact from us once again. You have not got your emotional thinking under control at all. If you leave that electronic gateway open you will be hoovered but do understand this will happen when we decide, not when you want it to happen. Accordingly, if you are the disengaged former IPPS it is highly likely we will have someone else and therefore (unless it is malign) you will not be hoovered until your replacement is in devaluation which could be months or even years later. If you are a shelved IPSS you will face a hoover, but not necessarily when you want it. You will receive comfort crumbs instead and the hoover to take you off the shelf is decided by us, not you. If you are a disengaged IPSS then we have no interest in you because we are engaging with other more reliable appliances and yes with the electronic gateway open, you will be hoovered, but at a future point of our choosing, not at your dictating.

However,  blocking of our electronic method of reaching you is not sufficient. You need to go further otherwise you are still committing no contact suicide.

You must change the telephone number.

You must change the e-mail address.

You must come off social media.

This is because although blocking will have some effect, it is still not enough.

We will ring you/text you  from an alternative number, use a Lieutenant’s number (maybe someone you thought you could trust and thus you take the call or read the text) so we circumvent your blocking of us.

We will create a new e-mail address and do so repeatedly to get around your blocking of us.

We will create false profiles or message through someone else’s profile, or just stalk you using these profiles even if we do not contact you.

Of course changing the profiles/numbers/e-mail addresses will not guarantee that you will not be hoovered because of course some (not all) of our kind will expend effort in getting hold of these new numbers and e-mail addresses, but if you block and change you are putting in place a hurdle which will go some considerable way to raising the Hoover Bar and thus diminishing the risk of a hoover.

You will either force us to expend time and effort to ascertain the new numbers etc and/or you will force us to use alternative methods to hoover you and breach your no contact. We may not know where you live or where you work, or these venues may be some distance away and thus by closing (as far as possible) the electronic gateway by blocking and changing there is more chance we will focus on an easy target rather than waste time trying to gain fuel from a source which has become more difficult to extract from.

A total no contact is very hard to achieve. Moving continents, fleeing to the mountains and changing everything about your prior life, cutting off all routes of reaching you through friends and family etc is doable but is difficult. However, if you do not block and change the electronic method of reaching you, you are committing no contact suicide and you will be hoovered at a future point.

If you have to have come channel of communication with the narcissist (for instance co-parenting) then choose e-mail. Make it clear that this is the only means by which the narcissist can communicate with you, that you will only check the e-mail address say twice a week at a set time for e-mails and no other time. This way you will reduce your exposure to the hoovers which have to get through (by reason of the need for some communication) and with them being in writing you can regulate yourself in terms of your response and endeavour to get your emotional thinking under control.

Do not fall into the trap of thinking that keeping open electronic channels is a pressure valve or a safe way of ensuring we do not turn up in person. This is incorrect and is an outcome of emotional thinking. If you think it is a wise move to keep open a text communication so this will prevent us from coming to see you in person, this is bad thinking, because

  • Doing this WILL mean you are hoovered with the consequences of you feeling anxious, being subjected to more and repeated hoovers through text and more
  • These repeated hooverswhich have been allowed to happen because of the easy electronic route will invariably result in your emotional thinking surging and then we have managed to start seeing you in person again. Do not think you can resist this happening because it is very hard for you to do because your tipping point is reached through the repeated surging of your emotional thinking.
  • If we cannot reach you through electronic means it is NOT  a given that we will turn up in person for the reasons explained above. Even if we do, you can still avoid the hoover, escape it and cause wounding.

It is very simple ; keep any form of electronic communication in place with us and you are committing no contact suicide and you will be hoovered at an appropriate point.

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45 Comments

  1. HG,

    I really need your help, if you can.

    Maybe I’m completely paranoid. The problem is, I just don’t know anymore. Probably just paranoid.

    So, I am on a social media platform..the other day a post was made that instantly got my attention. It was lyrics to ‘the song’ that the narc and I had together. Normal enough, except it is not a very common song. Of course I responded and offered a hand, which was not very clever in hindsight. I considered afterwards that it would be a good way to flush me out across any site at all, as it tugged at past strings. I’m not suggesting that it is the narc who pursued me, just coincidence maybe, but I did “feel” red flags.

    Anyway, I closed the conversation after offering some tips to move on and that was it.

    Then today, someone new appears with a request for help.

    I asked them to post their situation so everyone could offer helpful advice but this person ignored that and just asks to speak with me privately.

    I asked again for him to post about his situation, as he hasn’t done so. Again he asks me to speak to him privately and asks me to make contact.

    Coincidence or red flag?

    I explained that I was busy and that I’d be back online later, which is actually completely true, but I knew it had also given me time to ask you for help. I do trust your judgement and if you are around, please offer some guidance?

    Am I paranoid? (I’m not saying this is the narc I knew, but maybe another new one).

    Is this a red flag? What should I do, if it is?

      1. It’s ok HG.

        He’s left the group. My red flag metre was spot on afterall!

        See how smart you make us?? Thankyou! Thankyou so much!!!!!!

        You can actually have a hug for that!! 🤗

        I didn’t know for certain, but I was listening to my instincts and they were loud.

  2. Wasn’t sure where to post this, but as my NC was in peril this weekend, I decided to drop it here. It partly relates ‘the thread of darkness’ but I couldn’t bring myself to add to that.
    I had something of a breakthrough and stopped being angry with MMR, but as I felt pity for him, accepted even, that when he said he loved me, he probably believed he did and when he gave me the cold shoulder it was because I deserved it for rejecting his control. But then…my ET had me reaching for my phone to tell him ‘I forgive you and I’m sorry for calling you a reptile’. Then… I remembered the thread that Bibi called a ‘cluster f#$k of ass’ which made me spit my tea on the table. I was remembering various commenters standing solidly on their rocks of their reality, with truth and justice held in their hands like a sword and a shield. Some of them were pissing in the wind.
    So…I didn’t bother. He doesn’t need my forgiveness and couldn’t accept it anyway. His experience of what happened is different to mine and trying to reconcile our differing realities would also be like pissing in the wind. What I learned from that thread, although ungraciously at the time, is that despite the Narcky traits I seem to have, I am no match for them, I’d have been chewed up and spat out – again. Thank you all the people for last week’s fracas, I believe you saved my NC and my bacon x

  3. I have problems in this respect as we both work in the same field (not in the same office or anything, we’re both self-employed, but the same field), so we have a lot of mutual acquaintances, and the chances of us being at the same events on occasion is likely.

    And I know damned well he follows my Facebook business pages. I tried kicking him off them a couple of times but he just made new accounts and followed them again. So in the end I just thought “fuck it.”

    Realistically short of quitting my work and coming off social media I’m a bit stumped, but that would be detrimental to me financially, so I don’t see why I should take a hit on account of that douche baguette!

    Should he ever attempt a hoover of some form or other, I’ll just have to put my big girl pants on, quash any ET, and ignore it. I know it’s not ideal and it’s not exactly NC, but life kind of gets in the way.

    1. TPOT,

      Can you set up shop (with a new name) elsewhere? In another city or state?

      Not that you should. Only wondering if it might be feasible.

      1. I’m an event organiser, as is ex-narc, and both our events are country-wide, as are our mutual associates (other organisers, traders, entertainers etc.)

        So I’d literally have to move abroad.

  4. ¿Hay alguna manera de explicarle que todo ha terminado y que ya no quieres volver a “enredarte” con él? ¿Se puede acabar definitivamente pero de una forma cordial o amistosa? Qué palabras hay que utilizar para decirle ADIÓS…pero sin hostilidad? ¿Cómo hay que hablarle a un narcisista de rango medio?
    Gracias!

    1. No. You impose no contact and do so without telling the narcissist, otherwise you risk a Preventative Hoover and getting sucked back in.

      1. I won’t tell my ex spouse he won’t speak to me again—it just is. He also won’t be getting or receiving texts any further re, the kids. There will be a work around. I can’t believe just a few months ago I was worried more about how he’d perceive a decrease in communication or not catering to the nonsense, etc. He’s too lazy to try and force communication in the courts even if it irritated him.

  5. I haven’t changed anything and I highly doubt that he will contact me, at least not directly. He would be handing me the power if he did and I know he won’t because control freak is his middle name. He almost always waited for me to break the silence. I am therefore more worried that I will break NC than that he will contact me.

      1. lisk, mostly a figure of speech – the usual pattern was for me to break NC (he did once, but that was to try to triangulate me). Things did not end well, which also adds to my doubts that he will contact me. On occasion I feel tempted, but it always passes pretty quickly, so I don’t worry about either thing very much, though I believe he does occasionally hoover me online (also part of the pattern). Are you tempted?

        1. SMH Dont be getting cocky young lady. Wounding doesnt last forever and you will be painted white again. Just remember HG and his 12 year hoover. As I believe you are only out for 18 months (?) that is a drop in the bucket.
          Just dont want you to get surprised and your ET go crazy again and then give in. I was surprised and my ET went crazy. Not a good feeling. I feel like I have taken steps backwards but I am early in my NC journey. You are not and I just want to be sure you dont go backwards.

          1. HG and His Twelve-Year Hoover . . .

            Hmmm, that has a ring to it, sort of like Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat or Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory.

            Oh, wait,! Those two stories conclude rather happily . . . .

          2. SMH, listen to Kim. If and when he Hoover’s you don’t want to be caught off guard. Just make sure if it happens you come here first!

          3. I’ve been curious about that 12 year hoover for a while now.

            HG is there a post somewhere on the full story and circumstances of that hoover?

            If not, will you write about it, pretty please?

          4. Thank you Kim e and Mercy (and HG). I know to come here if it happens. I only hope I have the presence of mind to do it if it does. Strangely and speaking of NC, I was coming here anyway this morning to say that I had a DREAM about MRN last night. The dream was dystopian/Blade Runner-esque – maybe he is a replicant? I think I’ve only dreamt about him once or twice in all these years and I wasn’t even thinking about him yesterday. I will not break NC to tell him about it in case anyone is worried (dreams are an example HG uses for a hoover/breaking NC excuse).

          5. SMH
            Speaking of NC and hoovers…..
            So like I said I do not look down the street in the morning and I have not for weeks. So I have no idea when W left for his assignment or for how long it could last. I got my “call” on Tuesday.
            Tonight, I get home, take the garbage cans out come in the house. As I explained before from the front of the house you cant tell if there are lights on downstairs.
            I am in the kitchen and there is a hard rythmatic knocking at my front door. (yes I do have a door bell). I thought it was an Amazon delivery so I didnt move too fast to get there.
            I pull the door open and looked down expecting to see a box (es). What did I see?????? Go ahead…guess…… (imagine the Jeopardy theme playing here) BUZZ>>>>times up.
            Nothing. I see nothing. No box. No person, No sticker on the door that says sorry we missed you. Nothing. I stood there like a deer int he headlights for 20 seconds and shut the door.
            Now I am not saying anything about this …..just sayin……….

          6. Kim e, Funny but before I saw this I asked you where he was. Could he be back already? Isn’t he usually gone for like a month at a time? I am so sorry he lives so close to you. At least MRN will only show up in my dreams.

          7. SMH….
            I cant say if it is possible he is back as I really do not know when he left. Sometimes it is a week. Sometimes 2. Sometimes a month. If the car swap is played, all that means is he had to fly there instead of his weekend drills that he can drive to.
            I relly do not want to look and see if he is back because it will break my NC but might have to just to know. I know HG…that is my ET talking.
            I can not say for sure it was him at then door. Could have been magazines being sold. But I looked out the windows upstairs and did not see any one walking around the neighborhood going door to door.
            At this point in time I am stuck with it was him or it wasnt him because he is a MR and he won’t risk coming to the door. MY LT is very confused.
            I am going to give this a rest until after the holidays and see how it unfolds. My ET too high to really do anything except get back to where I was in my LT. If it does not go back or things escalate either with my ET or with twat, I might consult with HG.

            Gotta run. TTYL!

          8. Kim e, That is a very good idea. I always found that it was helpful to pick a date in the future and tell myself I would deal with it then. Then I would put it off again. That is how I got through the six months NC even as MRN was hoovering. It wasn’t until my ET was very much under control that I did it (though I did not know about ET and LT at the time) and by then things had permanently changed. I was even able to see him and resist a return to the FR. You will be able to do it too.

            Hope you are having a good day! I am procrastinating…

          9. SMH…procrastinating what? I get nervous when I think you are thinking of doing something.

          10. lol Kim e. Procrastinating about work. I did work pretty well for a few hours and then a friend called. Would I go with her to check on another friend of hers in the throes of psychosis (you should see her Facebook – it’s a public train wreck). She has not been able to get in touch with the psychotic woman because she won’t answer her phone, which is probably disconnected. Her rent is unpaid and she is in eviction proceedings. The woman wasn’t home, so we had dinner and then returned to the apartment. Still not there.

            We rang upstairs at the landlords and they tell us that the psychotic friend has been screaming non-stop for the past two weeks. She goes out back at night and yells accusations about the landlord – an elderly man in his 80s – being a rapist. She has a brother but he has cut contact after having her committed several times. She has no other family. No partner, no kids, no parents. Her mother left her money but her brother handles it because she is mentally unstable, and she blew through so much that he had to cut her off. She apparently sexes herself up when she goes out and god knows what or who she picks up or where she goes. My friend worries that she will end up homeless, murdered or will jump in front of a train. Everyone feels pretty helpless…no one knows what to do. My friend is the only person this woman trusts so I guess I am in for a dollar if I am in for a dime.

            How was YOUR evening??!!

          11. SMH
            Let me start out by saying I am sorry I asked….ROFLMAO!!!
            Your story as messed up as it is is also something I would ahve done for a friend.
            I am just going to throw a request out there. Next time please call the police to do a well check. I have found enough dead bodies to last a lifetime….suicide and natural…and it is a very unpleasant experience that will stay with you forever.
            Other than that….I can say I am not surprised you went with her. It is part of our curse and charm…..always wanting to help and fix.
            My night was quiet. No strange knockings or calls. Went to the chiro and home. Boring. Bed at 9…up at 4…rinse and repeat.
            I thought you were taking off work the rest of the year?

          12. Kim e, Glad there were no ghostly knocks or calls for you last night. It was funny to me that you made that comment and this thing had happened. I am clearly a savior. Not even sure I need a detection test! This was a double whammy – I could save both my friend and the psychotic woman. I used to get involved with people like that all the time. I wouldn’t know how or why it happened, but now I do. It is no surprise really that I got involved with MRN even knowing early on that he was disturbed. I did think in the beginning that I could save him. He seemed like a wild animal to me so I would hold very still until he came to me.

            I don’t think a wellness check in this case would be a good idea because for someone in the middle of psychosis and paranoia the police could be very dangerous. Also, we are not far away and can get there just as quickly. However, if we had found her things thrown in the street or whatever, we would have gone to the police to see if they had taken her somewhere. I’ll have to ask my friend if she thinks she is suicidal. I don’t know enough about the situation.

            Deadlines regardless, hence the work. Things pop up. But not much to go. I plan to have a boring day and evening!

            Didn’t you say you have Friday off? Only two more days! Did you discuss your raise?

          13. SMH…disregard stranger danger text alert. I have my phoine turned off and when I first turn it back on any texts do not show who it is from until I unlock the phone. Sorry. Guess I am hoover paranoid

          14. SMH…My ET has been exploding yesterday and today. OMG. I want to climb out of my skin. Wish I knew what triggered it. I have noticed that when I am relly stressed at work, my ET raises. Does that make sense?

        2. No, SMH. Not tempted and have all protections on.

          I do have to keep Narcx’s number on my phone, as I cannot block it otherwise. However, I have never considered calling him. (It has been slightly over a year since we spoke.)

          I also know Narcx must contact me at least one more time due to financial ties. I consulted HG the last time this came about, followed HG’s advice (read: instructions) to a T, and kept myself gracefully out of trouble. That was a wonderful feeling—to make a real effort at taking good care of myself and actually succeed at it!

          I know what to do for “next time,” but have HG Audio Consultation bookmarked in case I am thrown for a loop.

          By the way, I understand that the knowing that I will hear from Narcx is a form of Everpresence and it sucks. But I am so thankful that I am aware of it and believe I am riding it out well.

          1. Very good, lisk! That does suck but happy to hear you consulted about it. I worry that I will act out of ET so it is good to hear stories of people who have followed instructions and handled it successfully.

          2. lisk, I hope to never need to do it! But again good to have strong empath role models! Bravo! SMH approves too :)

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