How The Narcissist Evades When Questioned
You will have questions for the narcissist. Lots of questions.
They never get answered.
Why?
Why is the narcissist so evasive?
Why do simple questions receive a response as if you have commenced an interrogation?
Why won’t the narcissist give you the answer to a straight forward question?
Why won’t the narcissist answer even when it would be in his best interests to do so?
Why must you get answers from the narcissist?
What happens when you ask a question when painted white?
What happens when you ask a question when painted black?
What happens when you ask a question when you enter Challenge Mode?
What are the ways in which the narcissist evades your questions?
What steps can you take to prevent this problem caused by the narcissists evasiveness?
Sick of the anger, frustration and hurt caused by the evasiveness of the narcissist? Then it is time to get some answers and gain those answers which will actually help you and ensure you move forward, rather than remain stuck.
Avoid the evasion and get THE answers.
75 thoughts on “How The Narcissist Evades When Questioned”
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I have been subject to 3 all the damn time and 4 as well you hit it right on the head hg again another good one well at least I know it wasnt me.
I’m very nervous commenting… I dont even know what to say…I’m scared to even label someone as this.. my head feels so confused and foggy. I dont have many people to talk to because nobody is seeing what I see. I feel crazy honestly. I read about narcs getting mad.. he doesnt get mad. He is very controlled..i really wonder if it is me..he says i have a problem with everything. That it’s always something. But i told him he can rationalize anything.. nearly everything has been turned on me. Details are changed. Hes always on top somehow. Are there places i can go to talk with someone? My own counselor hasn’t had real experience with this. I cant tell if i am trying to fit him in a box or if i really see this. In the first 2 weeks of being together i noticed things. Started keeping a journal. Going on 2 years. We are on another break. In the fix 6 months he broke up 6 times. Said it was me all those times. I really wonder if it’s me. Who can i talk to? My head is spinning and I just need to process.. I’m curious how we know if someone is actually a narc… hes super nice.. super smart.. anyways.
(EDIT by HG – do not include your full name, do not ask for people to contact you on Facebook. It is against the site rules and is for your protection)
Misti
You have lots of people here to talk to and there’s no need to be nervous as we understand, but your best bet is to start off doing a Narc Detector and then a consultation with HG. That way it will be confirmed what you are dealing with and then HG can advise you best how to proceed. The rest of us can empathize and trade stories with you, but I think in your present emotional state you might still reject the possibility that he is a narcissist or make you believe that your situation is different in some way, and that will keep you engaged. HG IS a narcissist, so he knows best how they think and what you can expect. He’s not super nice if he treats you this way and you are kept in confusion. That is just one example of how your emotions are tricking you into staying involved. You are in the right place to get help and it is immediately available.
I’m already feeling hopeless. I was able to purchase 1 book. My girls and I are in a pit financially. I’ll spare the details because I’m not looking for pity and I dont want it to sound like that. I’m just very expressive externally and very aware of my emotions when I speak. Unfortunately people dont understand that and see it is “manipulation”. I’ve been in this for 2 years. I’m so scared to label this on him. He has really been there for me. I’m not sure he is a narcissist but maybe has lots of tendencies? He told me he thought I was a narcissist and so now I’m studying myself. I’m trying to read stuff but I get so full of anxiety. I cant tell what is real or if I am letting myself put him in a box to make sense of it. I feel guilty. His ex messaged me last night because I reached out to her. I want answers. Has anyone else gone through this with him? She said nick is the type of person that can talk a candle into walking in the water. And I’m paraphrasing because it isnt in front of me. But she said it was both magnificent and self destructive. She said he was sly clever and projects confidence and he uses it to get what he wants at a job and his life. She is going to call me today. However she knew him 10 years ago. So much like me.. I’m different from 10 years ago.. I think one thing I need to consider is.. whether or not he is a narcissist or has tendencies… I cant handle it. It hurts me. He is one of the most helpful people I know. I know you say he isnt kind to leave me in confusion and I agree. I just dont know if he sees hes doing it. I brought up narcissism to him in july. I’m not trying to throw my beliefs on you all.. but I believe in Christ. I’ve been praying for answers because things dont seem right. I thought God told me he was my husband. I know I sound crazy…and I’m sorry.. but then all sorts of things didnt add up.. different things I’ve said to him over the last 2 years (without knowing about narcissism) have been “everything works for your benefit” “you can make it work in your favor all the time” “we never have a solution to our discussions” “you talk in circles and I’m trying to keep us straight” “I think you manipulate me” I’ve got details changing slightly and each time it makes him the good guy. His logic changes in each situation but usually so that he is right. I’ve told him “you never validate me or let me have a point” “you dont listen” “you cut me off a lot” or hell SAY my feelings are valid but then dominate a conversation on how I can think about it different with examples and scenarios. I’ve told him I’ll say a few sentences and then he will come in and take over and 90% of the conversation is him talking. But yet he tells me he is tired of having all these discussions and me having a problem with everything. He says I nit pick things to death. For me I just see the inconsistencies. Hes cheated (but I’m still questioning that..the girl involved is a liar but she says the didnt have sex.. hes says they did.) He was supposed to follow through on some commitments and he didnt a whole lot. It came back on me. I need to be adaptable because situations change. I dont recall much love bombing.. we live an hour apart. If anything maybe he was.distant? I told him he was very cold and hard to talk to. He broke up 6 times in 6 months. I really dont think it was my fault but I’m told it was. Now it was settled that we just think really differently and have our guards up. I’ve asked for more affection in the beginning and he would tell me it will take time. And when it unleashes…but I always wondered why it just wasnt there..he really made me look bad to his friends on several things.. until I talked to them.. but now they seem to be wanting to avoid me. I dont think they see what I see. Ive contemplated suicide a few times because I’m so tired and confused.He cant ever be wrong! I mean there are some times he takes responsibility but honestly its often enough. I have been studying the enneagram lately. These patterns can line up with type 7 or 8. Defense mechanisms of denial and rationalization. So I’m worried on labeling as narcissism when these are patterns of an unhealthy individual kept in ego. Anyways.. I had to ramble.
The help I’m seeking.. I dont know how a consultation will help. I dont have the money. And afraid I will need more and more help. People dont have that and neither do I. I feel like I need counseling!! My counselor doesnt know much about this real time. Is it even okay for me to share all this information here? Where is this supposed to be just a quick message back and forth because I don’t see any other way to talk with people. Is this how you guys talk to one another it’s just replying on a post? I’m still trying to figure out how to work this site. If this is the only way then I am curious why we cannot interact with one another outside of this site.
Misti
To hell with the counselor! Please e-mail HG for Angel Assistance. You need it ASAP!
https://narcsite.com/angel-assistance/
Misti,
I agree with K.
You don’t sound crazy. You are in a fog and worn down by his behaviour and the resulting stress and confusion. You will get more straightforward and useful information from HG than from a counselor or or your partner’s ex.
Keep reading and commenting here…your head will begin to clear a bit. Take care of yourself and your girls.
WhoCares
I could feel the fog in her comments; she’s in a very bad place and needs help desperately. I hope she is able to read our responses.
Yes, K – hope she can manage to find some clarity very soon. Personally, at times I forget what it felt like to be in the fog – because now having had some clarity for a duration of time I can’t put myself subjectively back in *that* mental space…but Misti’s comment brings it all back.
WhoCares
Her comment brought it all back big time, like a bad case of C-PTSD.
There is Angel Assistance for people in financial difficulty. I haven’t tapped into it so far (even though I’m probably about to lose my shitty job) because my problems are more to do with recovering from Narcitis than being embroiled with one currently, but yours may be more urgent. Look into it.
I’m not qualified to say if the guy is a Narc, but I feel fully qualified to say he’s a d-bag. If you’re as flawed as he claims, he could break up with you once and for all instead of playing come hither-get lost.
Misti: I am so saddened that you are going through this. Please do not contemplate suicide. HG is uniquely qualified to give you the help you need. Please refer to the top menu and select Angel Assistance and apply for HG’s help today, right now. Don’t delay. Start with the Narc Detector, I suspect your suspicions will be confirmed based upon all the red flags in your comment. From there, you can pursue a consult to take the appropriate next steps. Misti, you have come to the best possible place and will find the answers you seek here.
Hi Misti,
You can email HG and ask him to sign you up on to the Angel fund, followers here can donate to the Angel fund and help people who are in financial crisis to receive a consultation.
The consultation will help to identify whether or not your partner is a narcissist. Once you know for certain what you are dealing with, you can then learn more about what you are dealing with and make informed decisions.
From what you have shared so far, it does appear that your partner has several red flags which suggest narcissism.
It’s okay for you to share whatever you are comfortable with sharing about your personal situation in the comments.
If you’re not ready for a consultation, I would suggest listening to some of HG’s YouTube videos about the different schools of narcissists and see if any resonate with you.
From what you have shared so far it would appear that your partner is most likely a mid-range Narcissist if he is indeed a narcissist.
Narcissists are very clever at making others think that they are the problem and that their partner is never doing enough. The fact that you have felt suicidal is very suggestive that you are being abused.
I hope that you can continue to comment on here and receive the support and clarity that you need
One thing I think about is why does HG want to help us? If he is a narcissist then there would not be empathy for us. I don’t understand why he wants to help. And so that makes me scared.
Also I know my counselor can’t do too much but she is paid for by my insurance and yes the angel fund might help me but I am afraid to ask too much because I am worried this would take a very long time to fix and I don’t know how to keep asking for financial help wouldn’t people just get tired of helping?
I did see the email from HG to sign up for it and I am going to do that. However I noticed that it said if funds were not available we would be put in a queue and I am kind of worried at how long this would take to get me set straight again.
It feels so weird trying to tell everything that has happened in the last 2 years to a whole bunch of strangers and doesn’t feel very personal. The fact that we cannot interact with each other on a personal level kind of scares me too. I dont know how to make a general reply so it replied to “witch”. But I welcome any and all input.
Like I said in the beginning I knew he was hard to talk to. After a year in I called it “logicfy” lol. Then later understood that he rationalized everything. This is what people do when they dont know how to “listen”. I discussed active listening with him. Just thought he didnt know how to listen. Then i started catching on that what i now know is gas lighting. He changed the stories a lot.
As far as the ex.. my purpose was just to see if she experienced the same things.. and what has been true or not that he has said from his past. Just curious if it was only me and if I’m as controlling as he says I am or if I honestly see things that arent right.. His other ex wont talk to me.
I was anxious about HG too Misti, I understand your concerns. Reading his articles and listening might also be a bit scary too. Having spoken to him directly though, I can assure you that he is not at all terrifying. Very calm, matter of fact, unemotional, clear and very helpful indeed especially when you don’t know which way is up. There are some good interviews on YT in which he explains why he does what he does here on the blog and in consultations. The Narc detector consultation is something I still listen to now when I start to wobble.
Feel the fear and do it anyway x
Thank you Notme.
Misti:
Continue reading on the site until you’re ready for your consult. What won me over was the sheer practical value of what HG advises.
Examples:
-Not feeding emotional thinking. I knew damn well I shouldn’t lurk on wannabe Playuh-Narc’s social media, but I didn’t know WHY it was damaging me.
-Not getting near his sphere of influence. If I’m asking former co-workers about him and he’s asking former co-workers about me, I raise the chances of a Hoover. I finally asked someone to stop discussing him with me, but if I’d known about HG’s work, I’d have done it a lot sooner.
-He has helped other people here involved with dangerous and violent people to Get Out and Stay Out. There are therapists out there who will try to help you work it out; if they are religious counselors, they will emphasize a wife’s duty to her husband, but NONE of these things will work if you’re dealing with a narcissist. Narcissists aren’t immoral humans who struggle to change; they are amoral and cannot change. Nor do they want to.
I don’t entirely understand HG’s motives, but unlike Scientology, Tony Robbins, The Rules, The Secret, et al, you don’t see a bunch of escapees telling horror stories about their experiences or just disgruntled readers who tried it and were disillusioned. The most negative reviews on Amazon complained that HG is repetitive or he has too many typos. (Not fazed by that one: I’ve been a professional proofreader and copy editor, but since I can’t proof my own work–most people can’t–it is chock full o’ typos, including on my posts here.)
I haven’t seen anyone who says his advice or analysis of people and situations don’t work. Most say they do work, and in the short time I’ve been reading, I’ve found my pain about past situations has diminished markedly.
So keep surfing old articles here as well as new ones and get a handle on narc Dynamics in general, until you feel ready to go into the specifics of your situation in your consult. You’ll see from other people’s comments how they’ve struggled with narc abuse and the progress they’ve made.
And don’t kill yourself. No narc is worth that, and if you’re a Christian, you know it means you’ll be surrounded by narcs in Hell for all eternity. Wouldn’t you like to spend your Hereafter in better company?
Very well stated.
The typos irritate me, it’s a time issue – the provision of information versus removing them.
As for repetition – that’s deliberate. You’ll understand why.
You have come to the right place Misti.
Please stay around and listen here.
When my head was in splinters I found it helpful to listen to HG’s videos on his youtube channel, it seemed easier to listen than to read at times. Do you need a link to them? Or just search HG Tudor Fuel and introduction
I’m trying to reply to violetta but there wasnt a reply button. Emotional thinking.. I visited his fb today. Idk what I’m doing…saw.a.girl he mentioned to me a few weeks back. My heart sank. They are just friends.. but she is pretty. He told me she is older. She was a little.. but she lives right in his town. I feel like I need to tell her what I think.. but no.. I’ll be the crazy girl. Itll get around to him. Why do I want so many details? I want truth!! What has been a lie and what has been truth? I’ve told him that I never know what he really thinks..it changes so much. What if I am just really far off? He can explain anything. Will I attract more narcs? I think all the time. I am emotionally based. I dont know how to NOT do that. I am relationship oriented and connection based. How can we tell the difference in a behavior someone does and knowing the motivation behind it? Some of my behaviors dont look good and it’s all perception. How will talking to me help for HG? He cant hear Nick’s side. Its bias from me. What if my perception is off and it seems like he is doing these things but he isnt?
Also.. how do I change my icon?
Misti, The emotional storm you are experiencing is preventing you from seeing things clearly. When your emotions and thoughts race as they are now, it is nearly impossible to find the truth you seek. All of your internal questioning and truth seeking is leading in circles because you doubt yourself and Nick. He is encouraging you to doubt yourself and no doubt enjoys your emotional tailspin (fuel). The very best way to stop this is to get a consult. Are you willing to sign up for Angel Assistance today? Please do it now.
While you are waiting, you can read many things here that will help clarify what you are experiencing. Start with the Prime Articles from the menu bar above. Misti, you are not crazy, you are simply in a crazy-making situation. Try as best you can to pull away from all of it and focus here. Apply for Angel Assistance today. Help will be on the way and you will not regret it, I promise.
Misti, the fact that you’re worried about only giving your side means you are less likely to be biased than your ex, if he is indeed a narcissist. Narcissists never worry about being biased: they are always right.
HG has seen the various patterns, and he will know what you’ve been dealing with by knowing which kind of empath is most likely to attract which kind of narcissist.
He encourages us to make sure our emotions don’t cloud our thinking, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have them. If you are an empath, he has said you not only couldn’t change it if you wanted to: you *shouldn’t* try to change it. This is the first and ONLY place I’ve found where nobody’s trying to change us to fit someone’s abstract definition of normal.
I’ve only recently started posting, so others can tell you more about assistance packages and personal consults, but from what I’ve learned just reading the site, the general idea, if you’re an empath, is to be a FUNCTIONING empath who can recognize the red flags of a narc and avoid being entangled. They ARE going to be attracted to your emotional fuel, like vampires smelling your tasty blood. Don’t blame yourself for being too emotional: you are rich in something they want. Who bothers mugging a poor person?
I don’t know how to change icons, but to reply, scroll up and click on the first reply button in that thread. Also, put people’s names at the top; they’ll find it. Lots of us post something in the wrong thread occasionally.
Hi Misti,
You mentioned that you become anxious when reading some of HG’s, posts.
I have anxiety and when I am feeling anxious I also ask a lot of questions, so please continue to ask as many questions as you need to in order to help you feel more comfortable.
HG does not help us out of empathy that is correct. He wants to build his own legacy as a self aware narcissist, by exposing other narcissists and spreading awareness.
HG has helped me. I came to him initially over Facebook and he identified my ex as a narcissist. So he knows what I look like and I’m sure he also knows the personal details of many others.
He has demonstrated that he has no interest in his followers beyond educating them about narcissism.
I find that remaining anonymous allows me to share more than I otherwise would. I wouldn’t want certain people to be able to identify me on here, as it could cause all kinds of problems in my personal life.
Anonymity grants you protection so that is also something to consider.
You’re right that there is a waiting list for the Angel scheme, but as you said you’re not able to afford a consultation right now, so it’s better to have the opportunity via the Angel scheme than to not have the opportunity at all, even if it may mean that you have to hold on a little bit longer.
You’ve come to the right place to get the questions you have answered. This site has helped me in so many ways. Counsellors are good if you just want someone to listen, but if you want knowledge about narcissism and practical advice that works, this is the best place to be.
It takes a lot of courage to comment here especially when you’re still involved with a potential narcissist, so please know that it means you’re listening to your gut feeling that is telling you there is something seriously wrong and is trying to protect you. This is the right thing to do.
Well stated, Witch.
Hi Misti
You have only just made your first comment, and as you can see, people have been very accepting and have given you great advice. There are almost 73,000 subscribers to this site, and a good many came feeling just as you do now, but will tell you that they are in a much better place now because of the education provided by HG and the interaction of others who have been through what you are experiencing. You have been putting faith in someone that so far has you hurt, confused, and without answers. How about you put a little faith in yourself? After all, you knew that you needed to seek help and you have arrived at the very best place to get it, so I’d say your instincts have proven quite well to this point. There is no down side Misti. Apply to the Angel Assistance Fund and start getting the help you need.
73,000 subscribers
Almost 17 MILLION blog hits
Several concerned, supportive replies and great advice to your very first post.
Speaks volumes doesn’t it?
You’ll be surprised at how simple and obvious it was all along. Normal, healthy ppl don’t behave the way he does.
Consult w HG
Hi Misti, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I can feel that you are drowning in emotional thinking right now from all of the manipulations that you have been experiencing.
“ I’ll spare the details because I’m not looking for pity and I dont want it to sound like that. I’m just very expressive externally and very aware of my emotions when I speak. Unfortunately people dont understand that and see it is “manipulation”.”
Don’t listen to those people. Focus on yourself. It’s good that you are able to express yourself and if you want to cry or if you feel beaten down or if you feel helpless you don’t have to hide that in order to avoid being accused of manipulating to get pity. You are human and you went through a lot so everything that you are feeling is natural and reasonable. Give yourself permission to stay authentic to yourself and don’t listen to other people’s judgments. I do wonder who those people are though. Maybe you can eventually evaluate your relationship with them and look at how much support they are really giving you. Do they really add to your life or well being or do they add negativity and confusion?
“ He told me he thought I was a narcissist and so now I’m studying myself. I’m trying to read stuff but I get so full of anxiety. I cant tell what is real or if I am letting myself put him in a box to make sense of it. I feel guilty. ”
If you are feeling guilt and you are trying to look at yourself if you are a narcissist then you are not one. Narcissists don’t feel guilt; they don’t have a conscience. Narcissists wouldn’t work hard to assess their behaviors because a defense mechanism kicks in and overrides the need for self introspection and will come up with an answer that the behavior was done because the other person made them do it or deserved it.
“ His ex messaged me last night because I reached out to her. I want answers. Has anyone else gone through this with him?”
If you can talk to the ex it would be interesting to find out how and why they broke up. Did he future fake a lot? Did she experience the same things that you are experiencing? If he is a narcissist, she would have likely experienced the same things that you are experiencing because narcissists do not change. They just behave in cycles. So I understand that you have changed in that span of ten years and a narcissist can also change in that time when it comes to their looks, their hobbies, their education etc., but not their behaviors. So you can tell her your experiences from him and it could spark some memories from her about her experiences from him. Most people don’t easily forget their experiences from narcissists because it’s usually so weird and confusing. Not even after they have completely healed from it.
“ I cant handle it. It hurts me. He is one of the most helpful people I know. I know you say he isnt kind to leave me in confusion and I agree. I just dont know if he sees hes doing it. ”
This is your guilt and conscience kicking in and your gratefulness for what he has done for you. You have object constancy because you still see the good in him even though you are suffering and hurting from his actions towards you. This means you’re not a narcissist.
“ I’m not trying to throw my beliefs on you all.. but I believe in Christ. I’ve been praying for answers because things dont seem right. ”
There are a lot of Christians here too including myself, Caroline is fine and PSE that can relate to you. This blog has all kinds of people from all walks of life and you will always find someone who can relate to you in some way or another.
“ “everything works for your benefit” “you can make it work in your favor all the time” “we never have a solution to our discussions” “you talk in circles and I’m trying to keep us straight” “I think you manipulate me” I’ve got details changing slightly and each time it makes him the good guy. His logic changes in each situation but usually so that he is right. I’ve told him “you never validate me or let me have a point” “you dont listen” “you cut me off a lot” or hell SAY my feelings are valid but then dominate a conversation on how I can think about it different with examples and scenarios. I’ve told him I’ll say a few sentences and then he will come in and take over and 90% of the conversation is him talking. But yet he tells me he is tired of having all these discussions and me having a problem with everything. He says I nit pick things to death. For me I just see the inconsistencies. Hes cheated (but I’m still questioning that..the girl involved is a liar but she says the didnt have sex.. hes says they did.) He was supposed to follow through on some commitments and he didnt a whole lot”
These behaviors are all red flags. There is a really strong indication that he is a narcissist. His behaviors confuse, belittle, and invalidate you and that is why you have so much anxiety and emotional thinking. I think that writing your experiences in a journal might help clear your mind. Hide it some place where he cannot read it because narcissists do not respect privacy. Read the articles here in the blog and you can even write some passages from the articles that resonated with you in your journal. If you can, get a journal that has a lock it it.
I do pray that you stop thinking about suicide. I also experienced suicide ideation several times before but I know that I will never follow through on it because for some reason I am unable to physically harm myself. However even if it’s just ideation it is still not good because you are precious to God and if you believe in God you know that your life is precious to him. Sometimes if I am unable to see value in myself I try to think of how God sees me: a unique person that he created. I hope that you see yourself that way too.
You can apply for the AA fund and even if it takes a while in the que, you can keep on reading the free articles here and post whatever thoughts and questions you have and most likely somebody will help you. ❤️
1. Do not talk to the ex. Your Emotional Thinking is too high and the answers she gives you will only heighten your Emotional Thinking and you will end up with more questions and ruminating over what she has told you. There is also no guarantee she will speak to you. She is not your concern. You will think she is (high and misleading ET), you will think it sounds sensible (high and misleading ET) but taking such a step at this stage will be counter productive. You will not apply what she has told you.
2. Irrespective of your religions beliefs, whilst you are entitled to them, praying will not give you the answers. Applying and sticking to no contact and then reading here will reduce your emotional thinking to enable you to create space to then apply logic.
Hi HG, thank you so much for correcting me. I don’t want to mislead anyone.
On the second part though, I don’t think that it is mutually exclusive. I think that we can both pray for guidance and at the same time learn from your wonderful and brilliant work.
You are welcome MP.
As I always state, people are entitled to believe in a religion if they so choose, although I do not subscribe.
Thank you HG. And you have always been very tolerant and open minded to all of our differences here.
I am trying to reply to your comment about the ex. I didnt receive this until now. It doesnt show I am replying to the right comment. But I spoke with her last night. Much of what I have described she experienced. Including the cheating and manipulation etc.
HG:
Maybe prayer sent her to your site.
Remember the police car, the boat, and the helicopter
I think google would be more likely to do that.
Prayer sent her to Google.
Make your mind up.
I suffer from anxiety and depression anyways. I know myself to be very deep in thinking.. I get very focused. This is why i get confused. Because maybe i really am being very focused again. I do hone in on things in everyday life. So that’s why i wonder if it’s me. I am emotionally intense. I feel things very deeply. I am very honest and transparent with people and because of these things people dont know hownto handle me. I’m worried that you all may be bias because you dont know me in real life so you wouldnt be able to tell me if it’s actually me or not. Nick said in the beginning he thought I was manipulative because im emotional. I say how I feel. I cry sometimes. I’ve wondered about my own love bombing…I did that. Full force.. just fell for him..he says I’ve been controlling and some friends can see both sides.. so again.. I wonder.. me asking to see the messages of his ex wife..it didnt start like that it was over a year in that I started questioning stuff and wanting proof for myself. I hope I won’t do that in another relationship. I’ve wondered this whole relationship “would it be like this with anyone else?” Trying to find out if my flaws are really bad or if this is a lot of him. Please everybody dont judge me here. I absolutely hate texting. You cant see my body language or hear my tone. And when I talk about things that I have done.. it is ok to tell me it’s wrong. I am trying to seek God more. I’m actually hurt a little and mad. I’ve prayed so many times to get me out of this if I shouldn’t stay. Or that I needed a big “aha” moment much like the moment I had when I thought the Holy spirit showed me he was my husband. It was profound..I didnt have any of those. When he cheated I thought I was supposed to show him forgiveness because I already believed he was going to be my husband. I dont know what’s real with him. And I dont know if it’s me blowing things up.
Hi Misti, the first part of your comment really shows that you are an empath. You have these characteristics: deep thinking, emotionally intense, feel very deeply, honest and transparent etc. These traits make you a magnet for narcissists. Because of these traits it makes the effects of their manipulations on you much more intense and therefore you produce more fuel (HG’s terminology) for the narcissist which they need. Your honesty and transparency makes it easy for the narcissist to get information from you whether from your stories or by observing you on what makes you react and what things are important to you etc. This trait also makes your reactions much more potent in terms of fuel because if something is bothering you, you are most likely going to confront him and your honesty will make you become a truth seeker as well so his deflections and not providing you with truthful answers will frustrate you even more so you will keep on providing more fuel for him. These are excellent articles that explain your traits of honesty and truth seeking. If you haven’t read them yet, it is very important that you do because it will help you understand yourself better:
https://narcsite.com/2017/11/08/the-sins-of-the-empath-honesty/
https://narcsite.com/2017/01/18/sins-of-the-empath-truth-seeker-2/
The second half of your comment reminds me of myself when I was still in my entanglement with my half sister and stepdaughters. The comments that you wrote were exactly how my emails to my half brother and brother in law looked like. You hear these comments from him that you are manipulative, a narcissist etc. and you internalize them and it plays in your head so much so you need someone else to be the voice of reason for you but at the same time you are afraid that those comments might have some validity or that other people would see you that way as well because you are paranoid about how you appear to other people or if they will believe you. These are all emotional thinking which is heightened by his manipulations on you. We don’t see you the way he says he sees you. We see you as someone who needs help understanding what is going on. This are excellent articles about that. What he is doing is called character assassination. They also usually assassinate your character when you confront them or bring up something that they did that has hurt you. It is one of their lines of defense.
https://narcsite.com/2019/03/26/the-paranoia-of-character-assassination-10/
https://narcsite.com/2019/08/04/what-happens-when-you-tell-the-narcissist-he-is-an-abuser-9/
Misti, as a fellow Christian I believe that God puts the answer in your heart and you just have to listen to it. I don’t believe that God wants ourselves to allow someone else to abuse us. I remember Jesus comparing our bodies to a temple. We shouldn’t let other people trample or disrespect that. What he is doing is very disrespectful to you as a human being. You have the right to feel happy and valued. I encourage you to keep learning here and find a way to get a consultation with HG. I consider his work as an instrument. God uses instruments for good. You need to take care of yourself. 💕
God works in Bank Shots.
What is future fake? And I have a journal. I stopped writing in it a couple.months ago because I was so overwhelmed. In the first 4 or 5 months i started recording the phone calls because he would say i said things that i didnt or somehow the stories.were so different.. i wanted proof for myself..
the other day i recalled something different… i actually asked someone who was there…i was the one in.the wrong.. it scared me.. that means i just gaslit him. I told him he did it and it turned out to be me. So I wonder when else that has happened? Have I done that before? Again.. am i a narc? They dont have a conscience? I really believe he does have one. I just see these behaviors. His ex wife told me one things he expresses emotion over is when someone is coming against his gf. You do not come against who he is with. Hes said that to me as well. He is all about protecting the underdog and justice. He wants everyone to succeed. So again that’s my confusion. Is that where the mid range etc come in? Maybe he can feel all that but still have these behaviors?
Also, when you all reply are these things HG has taught you or read? Or just your own idea? I just want accurate information.
MP utilised the information and learning she has obtained here in order to assist you. What she wrote was largely correct, save the amendments I made, so you were receiving accurate information from us both (Mp using my material) and from me direct.
Hi Misti, when I reply about the topic of narcissism it is what I learned from HG and sometimes I mix it with my personal experiences as a tool to illustrate. My Christian beliefs are totally mine and the only reason that I am sharing them with you is because it might help giving you insights that you are familiar with because you are also a Christian and I can sense that it is very important to you.
No I don’t believe that you gaslit him. I think that it was an honest mistake on your part. It seems that you are heavily affected by his manipulations that your sense of reality or your interpretation of reality may be heavily affected by the emotional thinking resulting from the abuse that you are getting. I suggest that you keep writing in your journal and documenting everything. If you can, the real best way is for you to leave him. HG calls if GOSO (Get Out Stay Out). If you have a way to take a break from him to clear your mind if you can’t completely leave him I suggest that you do it. Also be careful of the people that you trust because narcissists often have people around them that just agrees with them and that could also be what has happened to you. Narcissists do not have a conscience but a lot of them appear like they do. A lot of them appear to be very good people. It is how they treat you that you should pay heed to. Narcissists can also be very protective of their girlfriends the same way someone is protective of their Corvette.
I’m sorry I forgot to answer your question. Future fake is when a narcissist will tell you that he will do something in the future but doesn’t follow through. I believe that I saw an instance that he future faked you in your comment that I replied to. For example a narcissist will say I will take you to a concert next year and the whole next year passes and you are waiting but it never happened.
MISTI
You are being gas lighted. Keep reading and commenting; you will get all the answers and support that you need here. This article below is very short but it will help you understand what you are dealing with and how to achieve freedom.
https://narcsite.com/2019/01/03/the-golden-rules-of-freedom-no-1-4/
A couple of weeks ago something happened.. I dont remember what though but we were having a hard time and were broke up again… oh him talking to his ex wife. This started last march. She was having trouble with her current marriage. I felt insecure. I may be repeating myself. He just cheated months before. Then she comes along. He wants to be there for her. I felt it was disrespectful. Gosh I think I’ve already said this…but I dont see my post.. anyways..about a month ago I was feing bad and wondering if I can handle everything happening. I went to him. Told him I didnt know what to do. We decided on a “mock breakup”. It was about a week or so and he contacted me and we talked and got back together. one of the things we agreed upon. Before was he wouldnt talk to his ex wife about our relationship problems. He also said I could read what she says. A previous time I noticed messages deleted. He said he wouldnt delete them anymore. The next time he came over I asked to read the new ones. I did. More deleted. He was upset because he said “why did I have to read the messages. We were having a good time and why couldnt I just enjoy that?” He is right to an extent. But I told him” I only see you one day a week when else can I do it? It would be another week or so” when I told him messages were deleted again he denied it. I felt so uneasy. My gut was telling me again.. he was either lying or not able to tell me I was being manipulated. So I went to contact her. I needed to find out for myself. He caught me. Then he said he would message her. He did. She sent the copies of screenshots over. They weren’t trying to hookup or anything. But they were taking about our relationship which we agreed not to do. It was a boundary for me. He said he was so distraught over our mock breakup that he didnt even reme.ber talking to her. And I told him “to delete messages you have to intentionally push a button” he had to know what he was doing. He apologized a lot and said he honestly didnt know he did that. I told him hoe can he not remember things? What else will he do that he wont remember? Anyways.. we were gonna move forward. I forgave him. After all I can understand losing someone and feeling bad…she messaged and asked if he got into trouble…He said he would wait until after work to message her back so I dont worry at work.. I got home (he stayed a few days) and he was texting her. I asked him I thought you weren’t going to message her when I was at work? I cant remember how he worked around it. But I read the messages because he handed me the phone. I felt like he wasnt giving all the details to her and making me look bad. I LOST it. Started screaming “I cant take this anymore”! Went upstairs and cried. He asked me what it was about and I told him “you arent even telling her what is going on over here. All she knows is what you tell her.” He told me he couldnt do this anymore. Broke up. For good I thought. It was a couple days. He blocked me. I wanted my stuff. Used my daughters phone to reach him. Went over and we talked for hours. I felt better. At the time. He asked me to decide if we should get back together. The next day I woke up sick to my stomach. I remembered more ways he agaslighted me the night before in our talks. I told him it wouldnt be healthy for us. He said he understood. A week passed and he contacted me. Telling me he had a bad dream of me sleeping with someone and he wanted to know if I was ok. He told me if i ever need anything i could reach him. Then he asked to talk on the phone. I said ok. We talked about how we are both guarded and we really dont have “big problems” we can work through it. I asked him if he wanted to come over on the weekend. Just to be friends and not talk about the relationship. Just enjoy company. First he said no. I simply said. “Ok”. Then he asked me my intentions. Just told him I dont want to walk away as enemies. He came over..I was anxious.. got drinks.. had fun. Had the most amazing sex… everything I’ve asked for in the past. Then I broke down crying. We were “friends” and I just had sex with a friend. Guys ,i struggle with having sex because I feel convicted. I want to wait for marriage and see if there is connection without it. I always had a hard time having sex in our relationship because I wanted to not do that a lot. Then this night I had sex with him as a friend. It was very different. It was sad. We got back together. Started talking about meeting halfway to move in together. (I brought this up) I told him weeks before that I dont see what he does all week. I wonder if our distance makes it hard on us. Would we do better being in the same house?I told him I would be willing to give it a try. The whole relationship I havent wanted to move because of our personal situation with me and the girls. He asked me to dissect it like I do everything else. ( I an very detail oriented, I can put many things together) So I looked at details. It wont work. My girls and I live in income based housing. I get ssi. If we meet halfway it was over $400 just in gas. I would probably lose ssi. I was hurt because he said I am going back on my compromise. I am in a sense. It’s not feasible. We have too much to lose with me trying to get back to work more. He would have to move here. I cant work full time. I cant leave our housing. And if it didnt work.. we would be helpless. If it didnt work he COULD get another job or apt no problem. We cant. Not income based where my girls are. Anyways.. he said he wont move. We all have differing opinions on that. I know. But I felt so guilty for looking into it. I really dont think he was going to pursue this however. Just the week before he talked about getting a loan. I asked if we could look at a house. He said yes. Told me to set it up. Then later was telling me he” didnt want to “and “why was I making all these plans on his vacation” he claimed he said he didnt want to in the beginning. But he didnt. And I felt guilty. I told him exactly what the conversation was. He agreed to go through with it because he said he would. I told him to stop saying things if he doesnt mean it. I hate that it changes later on. Just be real. Be honest. Then in the car he said “I have a question, why do you always schedule things on my vacation? Its MY vacation, shouldn’t I get to do as I want?” Well yes.. but we’ve talked about how we dont see each other but 1 day a week and vacation IS the only time we can do something. Otherwise when I see him that 1 day a week he doesnt want to do much because he is tired. But I keep hearing that we need to do stuff.. I tell him YES I want to do stuff. I’ve told you that.. but then he says he cant because of his job and sleep schedule… which is also something he uses.. if he cant sleep he will obviously be awake.. then he will tell me later in the week that he sacrificed sleep to spend time with me.. I told him it wasnt fair to say that if he couldnt already sleep and was already staying up. That isnt sacrifice. That’s using it to his advantage. It’s been 2 years that I’ve tried to have us come together. It’s never the ” right time.” I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I always wonder how to word things. I write it down first before talking to him. That way I can say everything. He gives great advice when it pertains to others.. but when it comes to us it’s like my ideas arent worthy. He says they are. But we dont do them.
Back to the moving halfway.. he contacted me day before thanksgiving..said he was having a rough time and didnt want to come up for thanksgiving. I called. Then ended up driving to see him. Things kept circling. He brought up that I am causing drama with his friends. I told him hes shown me he doesnt give accurate details to them so I feel I need to make sure they have the whole story. He still denies it. I asked him if he just wants me to stop talking to them. (He aims he doesnt talk to them because I keep interjecting) I guess I do? That is my fault. But he didnt have an answer. “Just stop with the drama” so i told him i think he just likes to have people to tell his narrative to and then i mess up his story where he is the good guy. “You’re a fuç(*ing lunatic” i never heard him say that before. 🙁 we worked it out in the car.. then went upstairs and we were intimate. Then he started saying he would come down for thanksgiving. (After going back and forth 4 other times) I told him not to do it if he doesnt want to. He settled that he wasnt. We hugged and said I love you. Havent heard from him since. Neither of us have reached out.
Is this crazy… I want to know if I can access his phone or fb…I’m curious if there are other girls. I want to know what he is saying to others 🙁 I’m curious what is happening that I havent heard from him in a week. We didnt say we were broke up.. I’m ok though. I dont know what to say to him anymore..
Yesterday I even created a photo album. For closure. I made him one and me. For the last 2 years. It’s weird looking at the pictures. I’m afraid I’ll leave and find out… it’s me. And lose someone whose been so patient with me being emotional.
Can narcissists be happy? Like he is very happy..I just pictured a horrible person..do they seem normal on the outside? Function normally?
He has red flags yes. So do I. I must have.. I was the love bomber in the beginning… I met him and just wow!! I showered him with my attention. He wasnt the love bomber. I was.
I wont be a victim in this.. I love hard. People need love. Rambling again
Misti M
Narcissists don’t do happy. Don’t worry about the queue, please, sign up for Angel Assistance. You won’t regret it.
Misti,
“Please everybody dont judge me here. I absolutely hate texting. You cant see my body language or hear my tone.”
From what I understand, you can undertake an audio consultation with H>G. You could start with that, do what is more comfortable for you.
All the answers to your questions, I think, are in HG’s articles on this site. BUT…you may not be able to benefit from reading them right now because of your confusion. It is ok to be confused. When we are very confused it is ok to get help, to let someone else clear the path where we cannot. Let yourself be helped Misti. Consult with H.G.
As a reader and learner here, no matter the knowledge I am gaining daily into my own issues and experiences with Narcissism/suspected Narcissist/s, I and I suspect some/many? other readers are not in a position to give you the kind of clarity that you need. Support is one thing, it is important. Clarity is another thing. Clarity is also important. Hg. can help you with that.
You just have to make the first move and put yourself in the Angel Assistance queue.
HG approves.
Dead on, as always, HG. I definitely have seen the whole list. The Narc couldn’t answer the simplest of questions honestly.
I’d sum it up: Narcs can’t answer questions because they are Guilty AF. That’s it. Period.
(And fuel ⛽️ , always)
My mother just becomes more and more unreasonable and ridiculous during this sort of situation.
She starts making things up that I’ve supposedly done that I’ve never done at all. Complete rubbish sometimes like claiming I force my family to eat dinner at nearly midnight so then my kids are always tired, when in reality we eat around 6pm and they go to bed at completely normal bedtimes.
I tell her to stop, but these insane claims get more and more ludicrous, until eventually she dishes out the silent treatment for about 4 days, then contacts me out of the blue pretending that the past argument didn’t happen at all.
Ex-narc was almost always 6 and then 3.
Dear Mr Tudor,
My mum cashes in on her ” old age” as her tactic, as well as the standards
“I don’t remember”
“It was a long time ago”
“I don’t know”
“Let’s not talk about it”
Yet ….. she can remember every cent in her bank account, every item in her wardrobe, drawer, file, container, box, if anything has been moved in the whole house and garage, you name it
She’s as sharp as a tack, yet acts forgetful, dithering and reliant on me
Our greater does the same
Our dear old friend does it
The weasel did it
Games are always continuously being played, a true red flag alert
You sure do know your own kind meticulously and never cease to amaze
Thank you for what you do
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
2. Other people – triangulating always makes me angry and provides a ton wonderful negative fuel if I lose control and allow my anger to show. Would love to tell him how pathetic he seems when he has to drag someone else into the equation to deflect from himself or to garner support. I read it the act as weakness. Half the time I think the third party is made up, nonexistent, or maybe a character he saw in a movie. Why does the narcissist think they have got one over or won when they are so weak that they can’t even stand on their own 2 feet and have a discussion? I guess it’s just a further insult if you try to point out that it isn’t necessary to drag Charles or Mary in as a prop.
So I think I should just shrink him down in my thinking until he is about 2 feet high and looks like the 2 year old he is being.
The other that bothers me is 5. The shift. Academy awards would be presented if the shift were on film.
By the way, what happens if these types of interactions are caught on video? How does the alternate reality stand up under that kind of scrutiny?
Susan,
You wrote,
“So I think I should just shrink him down in my thinking until he is about 2 feet high and looks like the 2 year old he is being.”
Ha! I used to joke affectionately with Narcx about his sense of humor and how he was really still a little boy.
I never connected his “tantrums” to that boyishness before I found this site.
I no longer think of that “boy” affectionately.
And I am quite content that he found someone else to adopt him.
“Adult toddlers” is my key phrase
Susan
The narcissist has to get one over or win because it’s all about control in his/her world at that moment. They don’t know that they are “weak” (what you are actually witnessing is the self-defence mechanism) and pointing out the necessity of Charles or Mary would be negative challenge fuel, which indicates that you are still under control and providing fuel.
To understand what might occur if these types of interactions are caught on video, read this article below:
https://narcsite.com/2017/07/23/the-narcissists-twin-lines-of-defence/
“the increasingly exasperated victim decides to play the ace card and produces a mobile ‘phone which contains footage of the narcissist with the mystery lady, holding hands and sharing a kiss. The victim plays the footage and the narcissist watches.”
I was thinking if there was a hidden camera showing the interaction bt the two of us. But there are so many easy ways out like blow head, split hairs over a comment (“it depends upon what the meaning of is, is”), or just head out the door. It would need to show something indisputable, for example, being stabbed;)
Susan
If it involved stabbing then the narcissist may rewrite what happened by claiming self-defence. You attacked him and he had to stab you so it’s all your fault. However, third parties may see the indisputable footage for what it really is.
They will weasel out of anything!
During “the shift” the narcissist may trot out something they know you’re desiring like a getaway or event or will allude to something to make you feel they’re going to walk out or something. I think i always knew it was so easy for them to flip the switch to “off” and walk away with no emotional pain – became a point where I just don’t want to bother them anymore because I felt like well they might just get sick of it and be gone. This is where i was totally giving up my own self respect and an example of walking on eggshells. I would often decide to just reach for a glass of wine we’d go to bed -and the next morning forget all about it -until the next time. They might even At some point in next day or so try and toss out some sort of a half hearted explanation or apology but by then I realized it was a lost battle and I knew I was right- but it was futile to attempt to assert my position.
Kathleen,
You paint a clear picture of how one allows her soul to be slowly destroyed without her realizing it at the time.
My picture is similar: the not wanting to bother, the giving up of self-respect, right down to the glass of wine, the forgetting, the repeating, the futility.
Looks like it is really paint-by-numbers, after all.
All of this knowledge is good. I can see what’s going on as it’s happening. I am not very good at reacting the way that would have the best results. I get so grossed out at his behavior and trickery, Most times I can not control my emotion, tell him off royally and end up ghosted. I feel like I am on a misery-go-round on it’s way to hell.
MR,
Seems like the reaction that would pride “the best results” is GOSO.
Omg! Your timing is always perfect, HG! It’s very strange.
I’m in the process of telling him to f**k off, and he wants to play innocent victim and then send me pictures of the new guitar he bought. He went on and on about how he wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, several times said he wanted to marry me, he wanted to adopt my little daughter, and he acts like such a loving man. My mom died a terrible traumatic death and I had to not only witness it but make the call to end life support basically. I just wanted him to show up for me even as a friend and hold me. He refused and would only see me at shows (he’s in a band). I was in too much shock dealing with the death to really comprehend. A few months later, I find out I’m pregnant. He was so happy about it and talking marriage. I was going to dump him but that changed things. I thought everything would be okay. He had love bombed me so very hard the first year and a 1/2 together! It was impressive!
Anyhoo, my birthday comes and silly me was expecting a ring after all his promises and talk.
I got nothing, not even a card! He told me that he was going to be with his ex (over weight by a lot, very unattractive, and batsh*t crazy controlling). I could only be with him as his side piece and only see him at his shows! Wtf?
He has the audacity to text me he loves me every day! What a dirtbag! I know telling him off won’t help, but it makes me feel better.
J,
Sounds like GOSO is in order.
HG, Your timing is always impeccable. Thank you for the clarity this post brings regarding the Odd thread. We saw plenty of 3-5 and 8. Now the reason is clear, and ironic, considering the projections therein. Better to follow your advice, state our case once and move on. No accountability nor resolution in such a situation is possible. I have learned so much, yet have so much more to learn and integrate. Back to the books for me. Thank you for the valuable lessons.
You’re welcome FYC
FYC—I have a hunch but I’m afraid to brand anyone.. I’ll just archive it..!
Lorelei
Your word of the day is on HG’s Advent Surprise!
https://narcsite.com/2019/12/03/hgs-advent-surprise/
I don’t see anything!
Lorelei
Here you go! Enjoy.
K says:
December 3, 2019 at 13:43
Mercy
Where is Lorelei?
Word of the day: Horripilation.
Mercy was covered in a patina of horripilation after listening to HG’s Advent Surprise.
Although, I do like fluffy duck bumps better than horripilation.
What’s the word for dinosaur poop HG? Horripilation is good. I experience it nearly daily!
Fecalite is a fossilised turd.
Coprolite. Took me all night to recall!
K—the song for the day is Family Man by Hall & Oats. This is quite random. I’m looking for music for the elliptical that is different.
Lorelei
I love Hall & Oats.
FYC
Correct; you cannot argue with unreasonable people so it’s better to just move on.