Own

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I want to own you.

I want to draw you into my world. A world where my rules are the only rules that matter. When I first set eyes on you I make it my business to ascertain your suitability for ownership. You might only be owned in the sense of being a tertiary source which I interact with the once, but in that moment, I own you and I own the fuel that flows from you.

I wish to brand you as my property. My appliance. My plaything. I own you and this means that nobody else does. I have exclusive rights.

I may designate you the role of secondary source, should you make the grade and you become mine, subject to the unwritten contract that governs you and I. You are to be loyal, obedient, compliant and a provider of fuel.

If you are to be my primary source, that coveted position of supplier-in-chief of the most precious and desired fuel then you also must be owned. You must be subjected to my total and hegemonic control. Once I decide that you are the one, I will not stop. Once that light has turned green, once the first tantalising drops of your fuel have begun to be sucked up by me, there is no hope for anything else.

You must be mine. I must own you.

You at think that I look on you with love-lorn eyes. Indeed I do as I turn my precious orbs into the mirrors which give you what you want to see. Behind their silvery gaze, my machined machinations are forming. I am absorbing how you smile, how your wrinkle your nose, how you play with your hair on the left hand side of your head, never the right. I listen to the way you say ‘scone’ – do you say it so it rhyme with tone or with gone? Every word that will come from your mouth will belong to me. I want to know everything about you. Every facet of your life must now belong to me. When my hand touches you and you feel that jolt of electricity between you, that is my connection with you as I begin to download your life.

It is true that I have already screened you, probed you life from a distance, made enquiries and observed before launching my take-over bid. I have done my homework but now I want to dominate, conquer and subsume. I must envelop you in my world for then I can be sure that you will respond as I require. Loyal, reliable and functional.

Steadily I drain your identity from you, consuming it for my own use. This is part of the process of owning you. I know no boundaries, I see no limits, I recognise no restraint. I have decided that you are to belong to me and thus this is what must happen with the steady and incremental accumulation of what you are. I am plugged into you, the ultimate parasite which sucks the life from you. Your money becomes my money, your house becomes my house, your friends become my appliances. There is no real me. There is no substance and thus I must steal what you are in order to give the appearance of substance.

The only way I understand to do this is to own you. Make you part of the fabricated world that I have woven. This dazzling fiction fools so readily and as I part the curtain and beckon you in to my wonder land, you accept and once inside you become mine. The real world is left behind. The real world of rules, standards, procedures and fairness is no longer applicable to you. I own you now and as a consequence you are subject to my capricious nature, the arbitrary application of my diktats and pronouncements. None of it will make any sense to you when you start to realise what it happening but it will be too late by then. You assimilation into me will be so far gone that you may just well scream and the only voice you will hear will be mine.

My ownership means I tell you who to speak to and who to ignore. My ownership means that dress is wrong and that one is right until it is the other way around. Yesterday is tomorrow which becomes today. You think Josef K endured the Kafkaesque nightmare of nothing making sense? You ain’t seen nothing yet.

I must control everything. My space, time and the environment around you. This is why to you I seem to operate as if I have no concept of time, but that is because I do not operate to Greenwich Mean Time but rather Being Mean Time. I compartmentalise, shifting between worlds which must never connect, where the players and actors inside of them move to my direction. They dance to the tune that my invisible pipe plays. I must not leave anything to chance. I do not like chance. It is the ruin of me. I want predictable and eventually you will come to realise that there are few who are as predictable as my kind. We bring excitement, we bring chaos, we bring drama but it is all so predictable. The same manipulations, just variations on a theme. Some of us have more string to our dark cupid’s bow, but the poisoned arrows we fire all have the same effects. Control and fuel.

It is only by ensuring that we own you that we can be assured and convinced that you will do as we want you to, that you will not be disloyal or a traitor to us. We must plug you in to us and like some giant leech suck the very essence from you, taking your fuel, your confidence, your self-worth, your self-esteem and stripping you of them to ensure there is compliance and obedience.

I want to own so that I know I will win. I want to own you so I can exist.

I want to own you so that everything you do is as consequence of my decisions and my actions which ensure you provide me with my lifeblood whenever I demand it. You are on call and on demand, my primary source of salvation, the reason for my existence and I dare not allow the slightest chink of autonomy for fear of losing that control.

I want to own you to underline my superiority. I want to own you to remind myself that I am powerful. I want to own you so that it is repeatedly highlighted that I am the controller.

I want to own you to stop being the slave that I am.

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27 Comments

  1. This post also reminded me of my most recent buddy who would always want to know where I am and how long I’ve been home for yet wouldn’t share anything about himself…

    He would try and tune into my routines….

    spoiler alert…

    other than my job…i have none

    good luck with that buddy LMAO

  2. Every single narcissist, psychopath, or sociopath I have been with always spoke about owning me. They would use my ideas and words as their own. Others would try and leave marks on my body to mark their territory. Most of the time…everything was about control. They would try to control me as well as their surroundings because they couldn’t control the chaos that was within them.

    I often feel like they go into the relationship thinking they will mold me to what they want me to be and get very frustrated in the process because I would appear “obedient” (OMG I’M GAGGING AS I’M SAYING THIS WORD) at first. They never seemed to comprehend that I will only comply if approached in a certain way. I mean…I warn them every single time lmao…they never listen.

    Control is an interesting thing…most of the time…it’s an illusion. Often people hand their power to people and don’t realize they can simply take it back….

    I think in relationships with these people it was always some kind of battle for power…especially at the end. In the end it doesn’t matter.

    Truth is an interesting thing too…my most recent ex boyfriend quoted some dude (can’t think of his name)…
    “The truth always changes”

    I remember saying to him that the truth doesn’t matter…all I need to know is that it was all a lie. The truth is whatever your perception is and for narcissists and psychopaths….whatever fits the narrative at the time.

    1. Very true. Narcissist’s control is very fragile thing. They do not understand that we let them “contro’l us, provided that they will be good and loving to us.

      So basically in our (normal healthy people’s) world it is not “control”, it is just a normal bond between two partners that contains loyalty, compromise and other things that are necessary to make relationship work. From narcissist’s point of view it is control and ownership.

      They are in shock when they see us go, when you say “this is the end, from now on I won’t do what you want me to do because we are no longer together”. They start to panick “Wait!, what? Where is my control!?”

      “Oh dude, it wasn’t “control”, it was just me trying to be good, loyal partner. But it’s long out of date and it was you who destroyed it. Goodbye”.

      Shocking!

      I remember when we were in Golden Period he was planning attending together very important event 6 months ahead. I said “yes, of course, I will go there with you!” and I meant it.

      But next month devaluation started. During 6 months he was often withdrawing, giving me absent silent treatments that lasted even 2 weeks. And there is “the event” coming. He gives me respite period and is sure we are going there together.

      I say “You are kidding me, I am not going anywhere”. He says: “What? You told me 6 months ago you will go there with me!”.

      “Yes babe, I told you I wil go. But things had changed a little bit. You are no longer good and loving to me. You did not deserve my accompany”.

      Shock, shock, shock.

      Their “control” and “ownership” is worth nothing in real life. It is only in their head and delusional mind some kind of super power.

      1. If you believe that you consciously let the narcissist have control, you are incorrect. You are controlled during the seduction, nobody consciously when they are being seduced thinks “Ah, this is a narcissist, I will let them control me. ” They believe this person is a kind, loving, wonderful individual and they fall in the love with that person and become controlled through the benign manipulations. If you are suggesting that the victim unwittingly grants control through being seduced, that is is closer in accuracy.

        1. HG,

          I can certainly agree with I didn’t walk into most of (almost all of) my relationships saying “hey you’re a psychopath or narc I’ll let you control me”; however I have given the illusion of control to one of them – when I openly went into the relationship with the psychopath.

          I felt he needed to feel that way so I let him feel and believe he was in control when he was nice to me. For example: sexually he thought I was submissive… I am not… I showed him what he wanted to see to make him happy and to Give the illusion he had some control at the time. It wasn’t done to like be evil and manipulative lmao it was done because I wanted to give him what he wanted sexually. As time went on… I avoided sex (he sucked I’m bed and didn’t deserve it). I wasn’t exactly compliant anymore because I wasn’t getting any of my needs met. I became increasingly more difficult because why should he get what he wants when I never get what I want…

          Now that I think about it all… I always have given the illusion of control. When they all get shitty I Take it away. My early relationships felt more like they had control over me at times because of my attachment To when they were nice to me (golden period) and my emotions. Now…. not so much.

          I do recognize I am not the standard person tho because of what I am lmao – I clearly have control issues myself lmao

  3. Light bulb!!
    Ownership, control, predictabilty, routines that must be followed, things that must be done first, NO spontaneity allowed, this how it is, you can’t change the rules – until I want to of course.

    1. HG,

      I imagine that posting about partners on Social media, flauinting them is one way of showing your control. Partner is narcissist’s possesion so they feel in control while posting about them as they please.

      But is it possible that some narcissist’s have the same goal in mind (control) but do the opposite? For example my narcissist who is very active on social media had this mindset “we are above those social media bragging, we are better than those insecure people who must prove something to others. Our love is stronger than that”. He does this with every partner, also during golden period. The effect is that even if you were very social person before him, you struggle to post anything online about the relationship but also about you! Because you are afraid he will lebel you as braggy and immature. You feel pressure to be “mature”, secretive, focus on him in real life, not on your virtual friends.

      Fun fact is when he discards you, he starts chasing online all those cheap attention seekers he was so criticizing during your relationship. And you end up with low self worth and struggle to post anything, there is this innej voice (nie voice) “dont be silly”.

      1. Yes, that could be an applicable method of asserting control. There are hundreds of different ways we assert control over you, the point is that the aim is control and fuel. Those things are always, always required.

    2. NotMe!

      Your comment speaks to my experience with exsuspectedNarc, I beleive he required control, over almost everything/one at all times, though I have not finished the Narc Detector yet and my ET is such that I cannot fully trust my belief at this point in time. I want to *know* the truth (ET) as opposed to knowing/trusting my truth. But I do remember words and actions of his that insisted on predictability, routines, planning and no spontaneity until arbitrarily (from my POV) he would abandon that mindset -and behave and speak as if he had never valued it – whenever it suited his purpose in the moment. Later he would act and speak to communicate valuing that mindset if it suited his purpose in that moment. That *is* something I see clearly now.

  4. HG,
    I just read ‘I Second That Emotion’.
    Of course, I have read a few ( very few) other writings from you as well and asked you two questions some time ago and one you answered. Just listened to how you read aloud ‘ The Raven’ and ‘Here Comes the Rain Again’. Though it was not until I read that writing mentioned above that I stopped on my tracks. Though I do not have the high level education that you have, I can tell that you have gone through the best schools money and privilege can afford. Nobody can read aloud like if they were a Charles Dickens or Edgar Allan Poe, unless, like you, they had the best schooling since childhood. Plus a good voice for it too, of course. Perhaps, because I imagine they read aloud like you ( I love to read) that I begun pondering what soon I will say. To sum it up, you have perfect enunciation, voice inflation, deflation, pausing at the right comma, etc. Yes. You are extremely cultured. I can see it even if I am not.

    I had to say what I said above before I say what I’m about to say now.
    How can someone that reads like THAT, like I imagine Dickens, Kipling or Poe, not able to feel for others?

    That writing ‘I Second That a Emotion’, left me in awe. No. Not ‘awe’ as in ‘wow! that is great’.
    In awe as in ‘what am I reading?’ ‘Are there real human beings like this’? ‘Is he for real’? Then saying to myself ‘no, this cannot be, he is just exceeds as a story teller. He has read psychiatric books and is helping others by taking on personas he read in one of those books. He HAS to feel joy for others, compassion, empathy for his fellow human beings.

    After the ‘awe’ ( extreme puzzling feeling) dissipated, I felt pity. This immense pity for a cultured, highly educated, privileged, probably very wealthy man. You and most here will probably laugh at me because it makes no sense that I, would take pity, feel compassion for someone like you. Meaning, one in such privileged position; best schools, cultured, wealthy, well read, perfect reading voice, etc but I did/do.

    I felt fear for you. Real palpable fear. Laugh if you wish, I tell the truth, I felt frightened FOR you.
    For your soul; I know you probably don’t believe in the soul, but there it is.

    I wanted, though I don’t know you and never will ( you move in very high circles I’m sure) to feel joy.
    To feel happiness. To understand that crying over a sad movie is not about crying over movie stars’ *acting* but crying for those other unknown humans that went through what the actors were portraying. I mean…..bare with me, I don’t have your eloquence, I wanted you to connect with humanity. To feel as you belong. Not as some ‘alien’ copying emotions and facial gestures.
    I wanted you to feel tears of sadness for those that suffer in the world. The children that are abused, frightened. The elderly that are abused, lost a spouse, are lonely. The unknown strangers that are in the midst of wars, suffering, hungry, fearful, injured. Yes. Empathy. I wanted/want you to feel empathy. To feel completely human because you ARE human.

    You are missing part of your soul. Is it sleeping? Is some part of your brain not able to make connection with it, due to a physical injury ? Emotional injury? These are questions that
    I ask myself for I cannot understand how a human being cannot feel pain, empathy for others. Not questions for you to answer me. We are physical, mental and spirit. The three exist in all humans. Something is not connecting …..kind of like something is not ‘plugged in’ ( not your fault) and that is why you only have certain emotions and others you don’t. It must be something like that! It JUST must be!

    Anyway…………..I wish one day you have your soul back.

    Ps…I probably don’t have to write this ‘disclaimer’ but here it goes: There is no malice, snide, contempt meant towards you, in any of what I wrote. It is just good wishes from one human being to another.

    Vaya con Dios!

    1. Thank you for conveying your thoughts in such an articulate manner. I found it interesting to read them.

      1. I do not feel joy. I am unconcerned by its absence.
      2. I understand why you would feel pity, I do not need it.
      3. I have not read psychiatric works. There is no point in doing so.
      4. I am not missing part of my soul. I am created this way and this creation is high-achieving, high-functioning and effective. Many of our kind are not, but I am not they.

  5. I’ve imagined and even expressed in my life versions of “I want to draw you into my world. A world where my rules are the only rules that matter.” A lot of them, many versions, and overwhelmingly abundant of them were successful. A couple were unsuccessful. So I was often the most surprised…how easy it was, and what made it tick?

    Maybe one difference between you and me… Have you ever struggled with substance addiction, HG? That did it for me eventually, it set me right because, in the end, it ultimately became a life or death question. I needed to give up the insatiable curiosity, all sorts of excesses, addiction to name it explicitly… not to survive per se (as mine never got that bad, yet) but to be able to continue self-actualizing – an endeavor very important for me. I imagine you would never admit to an addiction.

    I have always owned myself, had a strong sense of self. Of course, when I share and expose it to someone like you, it is a risk. I don’t mind and I can see you and I secretly giving a high-five.

    Very cool business endeavor though, Bravo, and please don’t choke on this tiny gulp of fuel :) I already know you tend to keep new (ambiguous?) posts in moderation, so I will patiently be waiting for mine to appear, or not, whatever.

    1. Hello Dorion,

      A.I have not struggled with substance addiction for two reasons

      1. I use alcohol and drugs on a recreational basis. I am not addicted to either.
      2. I am addicted to fuel and control, but I am so proficient at obtaining them, it is not a struggle nor does it create a struggle.

      Accordingly, your imagining that I would never admit to an addiction is incorrect.

      B. It is a risk where you share with a narcissist, absolutely. Not with me, as we will only interact in this place and you are safe here.

      C. Read the Rules about posts. Your assertion is incorrect. New posts or ambiguous posts (yours is not ambiguous) are not kept in moderation as a consequence of being new or ambiguous, but rather if they are long or contain questions, as per the rules. Nearly all comments appear unless they offend the rules.

    1. Ich schreibe jetzt Deutsch.dein translater wird das schon hin bekommen,denke ich mal.–du hast mein denken in die richtige Richtung gelenkt.-‘ich habe nie erkannt,dass es ein emotionales oder logisches denken geben kann.-und nachdem ich ausschließlich ein sehr emotionaler Mensch mit sehr viel Temperament bin,…….hast du mir,durch fast süchtiges Lesen deiner Statements eine neue Perspektive eröffnet.—-das ist großartig.–ich verdanke dir sehr,sehr viel…

  6. HG—you suck at self promotion writing so honestly! Haha! Why can’t they all charge in with such a poetic honesty?!

  7. Pingback: Own ⋆ NarcTopia
  8. Truthfully expressed; yet so painful to a caregivers’ heart.

    This theme triggered an understanding of my fractured professional work journey, where corporate dynamics enable vitriol of shrouded slavery and encourages ‘culture on culture’ insidious verbal assaults to control and submit in compliance.

    HG and team, you’ve spurred a private closure.

      1. As an Empath, reading your blogs, I have come to the conclusion that given a choice; I’d rather be a Narcissist than an Empath.

        1. Understandable Michele, albeit you do not have such a choice. However, you do have the choice of being able to read my work and apply it.

    1. Hi privatejourney60
      Just a quick question, I saw you mentioned caregiver in your post. Is that your job or are you a caregiver for a family member or friend?

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