The Rules of Knowing The Narcissist
Dear Readers,
These Rules are contained in the menu bar and have been available for many years. It is worthwhile posting them as a blog article for the continued assistance of understanding of all readers and commenters here.
- In order to create an appropriate environment for my interaction with readers, the good doctors and I established The Five Rules which govern the way that I behave with people on the blog. I cannot tell you what those rules are as this would alter the dynamic between us and adversely affect our interactions. The simplest way to describe them is that they are for your benefit. There is no point asking me what they are. I will not tell you.
- I am polite, courteous and engaging with nearly everybody I meet (save the occasional tertiary source which I want to obtain negative fuel from). This is replicated in my dealings with my readers. I am polite courteous and engaging. I will point out if you are wrong. I have no need to devalue my readers nor will I do so owing to the 5 rules. If you are out of line, you will be told.
- I do not know anybody who comes to the blog in ‘real life’ therefore I have no need to devalue those that come to the blog. Those who comment are tertiary sources. If you are expecting to see my ‘dark side’ in action you are going to be disappointed. You will have to engage with me in real life to witness that. I would not advise you to do so.
- Personal attacks against me are just fuel, it is low grade, but it just fuel to me. If you want to do it, go ahead, but you will become bored before I do.
- I encourage interesting and articulate debate. The nature of this blog is an emotive subject and strong views are to be expected. I allow people to disagree and to do so in a robust fashion for the purposes of debate. This may mean the occasional insult linked to the comment being advanced. I enjoy debate. However, sustained ad hominem attacks against people do not further debate and those will be moderated and removed. Feel free to advance your opinions, arguments and views and to question other people, do so with force and passion, but do so in a respectful and constructive manner.
- Understand that strong views will be advanced and people will disagree with your views as well as support them. Nobody is bullied or ganged up on. Do not bother trying to assert that if you find a significant number of people disagree with you. If you advance a strong view, a controversial view remember it is a view, it is not a solid fact and this means other people are likely to disagree with you and they will debate with you and counter your assertions. They are just as entitled to do this as you were to make your initial assertion. Playing the “I am being bullied card” or “I am being attacked” or “People gang up on me” is factually erroneous and will get short shrift from me.
- Contrary to belief I have no interest in people falling out with one another. It is not involving me so therefore I am not interested in it.
- You must not post personal information that will allow another person to contact you. I will edit out e-mail addresses, telephone numbers and similar material. If you sign in using your own blog, thus identifying yourself, that is a matter for you and understand you do so at your own risk.
- The main purpose of this blog is for you to gain an understanding of the way I think, act and do and also of those like me. I do allow off topic conversations as well, so if you have a pressing need to comment on the latest Netflix drama or a particular pop star, that is entirely acceptable, just so long as you bring it round to me again soon enough. Cooking and bakery discussions are off limits however. Understand that you may not find a topic of interest, if so, do not read it. There is a wide range of people on this blog and some find occasionally levity and off topic discussions a welcome distraction (indeed necessity) from the heavy nature of the topic. Other people find such discussions lightweight and flippant given the serious nature of the topic. Both groups are valid in their observations. You do not have to read ethers views at lengths. Also recognise that the extent to which off topic discussions are allowed or curtailed (pruned) is governed by my availability to moderate (I actually do have plenty of other matters to address) and whether I deem the discussion about pets, clothes or hair styles as getting in the way of a more relevant debate. Understand this is my blog, it is my house, therefore I govern.
- If you must post material produced by other people, ensure that it is appropriately credited to avoid any copyright issues.
- You are welcome to post my material elsewhere so long as it is properly credited. You should seek my permission first.
- Do make full use of this resource to understand your own situation, to ask questions and further your own progress.
- All posts enter moderation as I read everything. Your posts may be in moderation for a period of time, especially if it is a long post and/or contains many questions concerning an element of the narcissistic dynamic, an issue raised in an article etc. Understand I am an Army of One, I have a private life and I receive hundreds of communications every day across various platforms. This takes time to address. There is no favouritism with regard to posts, you have no automatic entitlement to have your comments posted.
- If you want my detailed input and insight into your own situation the most appropriate way to do this is NOT in a blog comment but instead to book a private consultation (see the blog menu for more details of these). This allows you to convey your situation in a confidential environment and also allows me to respond in detail and within a set timescale. In this manner you gain the insight you require, I am able to obtain the relevant information from you and also ensure I provide you with the detailed answer I want to convey to you. The blog does not facilitate this. It is important to me that my expertise is conveyed properly. This allows you prompt and details access to my expertise and has been provided pursuant to request. This rule also makes the reading of comments easier and cleaner for other readers.
- There is a wealth of material provided on this blog (and also in my books) and you will usually find the answer to your query in this library of useful insight and observation.
- Pestering and/or haranguing for your comment to be answered or posted will not endear me to you. Writing “you probably will not post this” or “I dare you to post this” does not provoke me to post it, in fact, you are more likely to cause your comment to be delayed for such passive aggressive behaviour.
- This is my house. If you do not like it, you are always free to leave. Nobody will make you stay.
- If you have any concerns regarding a comment or the behaviour of another reader, e-mail me at narcissist1909@gmail.com and I will investigate your concerns. If you contact me (like most people do) in a respectful and polite manner, I will address your concerns as promptly as possible. I always have done so for readers.
- This is a place of learning, it is a safe environment to do so and it is the world’s leading resource for information and understanding about narcissism. It also does so in a way that is designed to stimulate discussion, invite questions, invite varying views and to be interesting and entertaining. Let’s keep it that way.
HG Tudor
81 thoughts on “The Rules of Knowing The Narcissist”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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Your work is the best, and I am very grateful for the insight you share with us. Dont know what I would do without. IT is still hard to understand at times, and some of it provokes me. But I guess that is your point too. That is how narcissists behave. At least you do not deny it. Keep IT coming, and will you be posting on YouTube anytime soon? 😊
I will be returning to YT.
What about Spotify?
And Spotify
Thank you HG!
Good to read through.
The baking thing….? I’ve missed all of this, though I’ve seen some cute posts about it.
What is the back story regarding baked goods?
Baking is boring.
Discussion hereby ends.
I wanna bake for you HG 🤭
Well, you are in Australia and it is your summer, so you can bake in the sun.
Always use protection though.
Hehehe. You are so funny, witty and creative HG 🌞🙌
Thank you.
As I said to the mirror this morning, “It is great to be me.”
Oh HG! Your putting it on a little strong today aren’t you? Hahaha!
Yes it would be 🙌 a living God
Now I understand why you don’t want discussions on baking! Ugh.
ha ha , i bet the mirror agreed happily.
Baking can be fun when you have a food fight HG! Its not always boring you know.
It is boring.
If you say so ,no arguing with the king.
STBS
Briefly, long ago there was some discussion of different diets (Vegan etc) and recipes started to be exchanged. HG made it clear that this was not some hippy dippy trippy mumsnet and that any talk of baking would be done strictly by him (see The Empathy Cake article).
Any talk of baking or an attempt to exchange recipes by anyone other than HG will result in being moderated out and an unexplained yeast infection.
NA,
I love the way you explain things Sista! Would you mind explaining to njfilly what the dungeon is and how one goes about making it to the dungeon? When I got sent there he bypassed the naughty step all together ( probably because you were on it ) and sent me straight to the dungeon! I really don’t want to risk saying something wrong and being sent there over the holiday season.I don’t want to miss your Christmas party! 🥰
FM1T
HG has already covered it in his reply to Z’s inquiry about the dungeon.
Thanks NA. 😘
Thank you NA. I missed it of course. Smh
Thank you NarcAngel!!!
I was not game to ask again after His reply.
Hahaha!! No baking! Got it!
HG, thank you for explaining the rules. You are very fair with everyone on the blog. You have answered a lot questions for us. I am grateful that I can post here . I also think you have a great sense of humour. I do apologize about mentioning baking ,cooking i didnt know it was off limits. Anyways i appreciate all the free articles and letting us know you the Narcissist himself .
You do not need to apologise Pati.
You are welcome.
After careful revision of the rules and HG’s added amendments, I would like to stick to two important ideas that will help clarify some recent controversy as some inappropriate behavior and name calling on the part of certain members of the community. Per your own rules, # 5 states that “sustained ad hominem attacks against people do not further debate and those will be moderated and removed. And # 9: “Understand that you may not find a topic of interest, if so, do not read it.” I trust the implementation and observance of these rules by all interactive members of the blog, and in particular and regarding certain unsettling discussions occurred recently, the two ones mentioned above. Thank you HG for reinforcing them.
You are welcome.
9… “Just so long as you bring it round to me again soon enough”. 💗 Sometimes you make me laugh so much that I forget you’re a narc. Thanks for all you do.
Who would have thought that a site most of us turn to out of desperation could (occasionally) be such FUN?
Butt-head: [Beavis & Butthead after “sensitivity training”] How about a hug?
Beavis: Shut up! Or I’ll wound your inner child! Heh hmmhh heh! And then I’ll kick your ass!
Sometimes it’s always good to repost things HG, sometimes there is so much to learn we forget the little things. Not that your rules are little or not important, far from it! I believe at times we get caught up in the emotions and feelings that surround us and we allow them to take over, we all know how hard it can be at times to bring that ET under control and not allow it to control us. Thank you for the reminder HG.
I understand your point FM1T.
I thought after all of this time you would HG. It takes a little while, at times it is like learning another language! Haha🙃
Just saw this upon second reading
7.)
Contrary to belief I have no interest in people falling out with one another. It is not involving me so therefore I am *not* interested in it
Thank you.
I saw it but was afraid to mention it to you.
FM1T
haha scared of the dungeon, are we?
Desirée,
With HG I am never to sure, it doesn’t take much for me to get on the wrong side of him. I’ve been sent to the dungeon once already, I really don’t want to spend the holidays there. Lol
FM1T:
What did you do to be sent to the dungeon?
What does it mean to be in the dungeon?
I’m just curious. I’m not saying I want to be there, but I have seen this mentioned before.
Have these been updated, HG?
Expanded upon.
Thank you. I will review them.
I don’t think I’ve broken the rules on here HG. I’m not a narcissist (unless you aren’t telling me) or a tenacious pot stirrer as has been (maybe) expounded upon. I was certainly permitted reasonably to have some dialogue or view about the recent insinuations and claims but I don’t believe I was extraordinarily volatile in rebute. A pleasant, goal-oriented person on this blog would have said, “You stray off topic quite a bit—not sure why that is about but you may benefit from exploring such..”
Rather, it was not that way which is fine but I have not been flagrantly unpleasant in this matter. Note I say flagrantly to allow some room for reasonable support of mildly unpleasant at times. Maybe next time I allow a piece of shit to nearly destroy my life I’ll be a bit more elegant upon emerging from the mayhem. The etiquette of how to do this better eluded me a bit.
Maybe there should be a post expanding on the etiquette of how to recover more gracefully?
Lorelei,
“Maybe there should be a post expanding on the etiquette of how to recover more gracefully?”
Oh dear; I’ve certainly bumbled my way along my recovery – I just don’t share all my set backs – and it’s definitely not a linear process.
I think you handled yourself just fine (back on the Odd Thread) given the circumstances. You are articulate, witty, supportive, and funny. Just do you; no one else can.
There is no “right” way to heal. Everyone has their own path and can see their own progression.
I believe you when you say how far you’ve come… (And I know what my own path of progression looks from just after the formal relationship to the present)..it’s more about what you don’t say that speaks volumes.
Lorelei: I saw you as particularly graceful in the matter. I think I would have blown an absolute fuse, if I were singled out in that particular manner and in that way, even if it were done in the spirit of free speech, and to make the blog a better place and in the name of world peace and to save the whales,etc, and all that. I personally saw Julie, as coming in like a Wrecking Ball. Yes I did, Julie, if you are reading this. Then calmly riding off into the sunset, leaving all onlookers to view her backside, as she departed supposedly in the spirit of world peaces or something like that, before the blue touch paper actually exploded in full force. You showed absolutely remarkable restraint, Lorelei, unless you were just shell shocked over it all. Sometimes shock is good, anyway, to keep us calm. Anyway, I will see if I can be as graceful as you were if and when I am called out as the Narc of the Month. I probably will just cry out to HG to stop it all, if it were to happen to me in that manner. I will call on those broad shoulders to tell me in all probability: that it is up to me to engage or not. Hahahaha. Anyway, I am practicing how to fold instead of digging in, these days, anyway. It is extra difficult for me, Because my old mantra or faulty platitude was: Winners never quit. And like Liza said to me, Real winners choose their battles. It was very difficult for me to leave the Narc and his 4 lieutenants, because I felt like I was quitting. Now, I am thankful every day, finally, that I implemented GOSO. It as the right thing for me, to do so. How to be graceful when outnumbered is not an easy thing to go through, whether or not one is right or wrong. Practice will make most of us perfect. So, until next time, please do know that I learned a lot, and I especially learned a lot from you, Lorelei. To not blow a fuse in a highly emotional environment. Brava to you.
Re : rule 9. Do you have a burning hatred of Delia Smith, HG? 😉
No, she amuses me with her drunken on pitch exhortations.
can i say liza approves or is an exclusive expression?
You may do so, but don’t over do it!!
it is a promise !
Thank you HG. I’ve always trusted that you will let us know when we are getting too far off topic but this reminder is appreciated.
You are welcome. I know that the vast majority of readers conduct themselves in an admirable fashion when dealing with a topic which is often difficult and emotive.
It’s unfortunate not all are “admirable” HG but you have no idea what some of us have dealt with. Maybe rather than implicate some of us as less than admirable it would be helpful to state some semblance of recognition that some are struggling more than others.
I probably have the best idea of anybody here. Why? What I’ve seen and what I read and listen to on a near daily basis through consultations.
Your comment re implication is incorrect. The observation i made was not directed at those who have suffered, indeed there is nothing stated in it at all to suggest that. My comment was praising the vast majority who read here.
Yes the vast majority that do “this better” as I have struggled to re-adapt very inadequately and I struggle to reconcile why those (me) who aren’t doing “this” elegantly are somehow not worthy of some praise for even trying. Not from you but the lack of support to praise ourselves. So I do a shit job here maybe—but you have zero clue what I’ve accomplished at home dealing with the aftermath. You have no clue how bad off I and my children were. No one does. I nearly put a bullet in my head in the summer but chose not to and sold the firearm. I didn’t break rules to an extraordinary extent here. I may not take being beaten up all that well or favorably for over a decade but I have no choice but to keep trudging on because I have kids that don’t need raised by a narcissist. It’s the only reason I bother.
Lorelei, you’ve mistakenly thought that you’ve been criticised by my comment. You have not.
Nope everyone deserves the title of admiration for even waking up and trying. Not everyone takes it up the ass as well as the other one.
You have misunderstood the comment.
My observation was clear.
Lorelei,
You are not doing anything wrong here! To be fair I believe this whole thing has been blown out of control! I know what it’s like to try so hard and to feel as if you are hitting a brick wall time and time again. I do not think HG is talking about you when he speaks of someone being less then admirable or admirable. Honestly I think the two of you need to stop this. Lorelei have you forgotten the banter that had gone on between you and HG? He would not have gone along with it if it was something he didn’t want to do! Do you honestly think he would criticize you after all of the hard work the two of you have put in together? I have seen the posts and comments where he has not criticized but commended you on the work you have done and how much you have accomplished. Remember he is not one to sugar coat anything, that is not why he is here. But on the flip side of that he tells us the truth. I am so proud of you and how hard you work at getting your life back on track sweetie! Do you really think HG would help you come this far just to criticize you over something so trivial? Your comments on here are very helpful at times, both types, the one that makes most of us laugh and the ones where your compassion for someone new to the blog shines through! I honestly cannot take my family going on like this, especially so close to the holidays! Please take a minute and step back, breath, and think this through. Usually it is me with the over abundance of ET. Not you my Sista! 😘💞
Lorelei,
Please don’t be sad or upset anymore, hon❤…I agree with FM1T, that silence on all of this would probably be a good thing now. I’m pretty confused about the trajectory on all this, but maybe that’s the thing: sometimes it just becomes so huge and branched off that it’s a convoluted mess, which becomes disheartening and leads to unintended hurt. When comments are here, there, everywhere – they can get strung together and end up hurting, because of misunderstanding and nuances… the only way out, at times, is UP and OUT…to just stop…and press on…to go a different direction, when things can then lighten & some perspective tends to heal the mish-mash of madness.😉
You be proud of all you’ve learned and helped your kiddos with too…you very much love them & protect them, and that’s what matters…and taking care of yourself. ❤It’s okay, Lorelei…big hug to you. Take heart & claim your peace, Hon.❤
CiF,
I am sure Lorelei will see this, I just wanted you to know that you sent it to me and not her.
Thanks, FM1T💛 I don’t have a reply button for her post…something must be wrong with my system…or I’m my just usual tech disaster.
Lorelei: Somewhere on here I wrote a comment to you🤸♀️
Lorelei, I feel like I can say this without offending you because you’ve shown you have a pretty good understanding about yourself. I say this in a most companionate way. You’re being a little bit drama here. HG was not talking to you specifically. He was talking to all of us. Understandably, you’re feeling a little vulnerable because of the odd thread but, we are all guilty of talking off subject and I think we all checked ourselves when we read this reminder. You were singled out on the odd thread by someone who’s only purpose was to hurt you. You had a army of empaths defend you and HG let us. HG IS BOSS. He could have shut us down at any moment but he didn’t. That should tell you something.
HG may not hand out hugs but he’ll certainly let us know if we are out of line. Focus on the fact that the majority of us care about your recovery. We want you to succeed, we want you to share and we want you here. If there are some that get annoyed, it’s their problem, not yours.
Voice of common sense.
Thanks HG
It’s been a tough day Lorelei. Be kind to yourself. Call that girl back, she’s there, waiting for you to come find her. You’ve come so far. Tomorrow will be better. Rest. Then kick the sheets off in the morning and be the star that you are. You’ve got this!
Mercy: I do not know anything at all about Life Coaches. This has been my first experience with a self proclaimed Life Coach. And the way she came in here, we now have old wounds with the scabs pulled back off. We have new people trying to find their footing and now may have slipped. We have those that are not already getting along possibly digging in deeper. We have more confusion on what the site is about, whether it is about learning about Narcissism or about learning how to mostly label each other? All I can say is that I hope that Julie is not retreating in the manner of a tsunami, that pulls back only to come back even stronger. If that is the case with Life Coaching, then if there are tons of Life Coaches in the world, then there may be no more life left on the Planet to coach, in the near future.
PSE, “Life Coach” that struck me funny this morning as I read your post. How does one become a Life Coach? Well I looked it up. In six short hours I could have my Life Coach certificate from the comfort of my own home. Then I can tell people that my opinions are more important than theirs because I’m certified. Hmmm clever little scheme there. I’m not mocking Life Coaches, I’m sure there are some out there that are really good at what they do. I’m just saying, there could be a lot of self proclaimed Life Coaches out there.
As far as the aftermath of what happened, yea it sucks, but aside from Lorelei being blindsided we were all willing participants. I don’t care if she comes back because she’s nobody to me, but I do wonder if the ones that stood so bravely behind her see now how an attack/”opinion” like hers can be destructive.
Lorelei, I love you girl. Let them talk about you, since they have nothing better to talk about. Ignore, ignore, ignore.
Seems fair to me.
It’s not always comfortable or easy here, but I’m Out and Staying Out by the grace of it. So thank you again.
Rule #13…Yeah, Caroline! Maybe don’t write a long-ass post and then include Christmas, children’s & theme song lyrics…’cause ain’t nobody got time for that shit!
Or keep doing that…because you can’t stop being you.🙈
However, I’m pretty patient & try to never be demanding…so I kinda expect a little something in my stocking from Santa.😇
You may write a long post, CIG, just realise it may sit in the Moderation Holding Pen for a while.
Thank you, HG, of course…I have no problem with any of my pups being stuck in a holding pen, for however long…they’ll come bounding out eventually!
Excellent and most clear. Thank you.
You are welcome NA.
HG—I have request for citation and would like to do it potentially in one of several ways to get around the lack of “academic enough” within the body of a piece I’m working on. Do you want me to do it as I see fit or email you?
If you are proposing to mention me or my work or you want assistance with regard to explaining narcissism in some way with regard to my work, then do email me.
Thanks HG—narcissism will not be mentioned in a word (as is a diagnosis and a wildly misused term) but the reference to what abusive behaviors look like. I’m drafting the initial piece. Will do.
Understood and you are welcome.
I need to be drunk in Poland instead of this right now.