Is He A Narcissist?
Is he or she a narcissist?
The information says yes, so why do you keep doubting it and how can you conquer this?
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59 thoughts on “Is He A Narcissist?”
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In my situation, I went back and forth, thinking the guy was Borderline, perhaps Dissociative Identity Disorder, with narcissistic traits. At this point, after spending time reading on this website and watching the videos (though I have more to go- including the books), the clouds have parted, and it’s clear as day to me that what matters are the behaviors/ the patterns of behavior, and how they have been affecting me. Explain it by NPD, BPD, DID, or maybe he’s just been drinking the Hyde formula and he turns into a cruel a-hole.. but my plan is to tell him nothing about being on to him, make myself as scarce and uninteresting as possible, lock down all communication, get out and stay out. Then after some time passes and I get past this, focus on other things, so I can have this delusional, smoke-and-mirrors manipulator out of my head for good :/.
So I posted a while back ago on HG’s blog about how narcissist regard animals. I mentioned how even though I do not have empathy for animals, I got a dog for my daughter so that she could have that experience, and also to exercise empathy for animals and people while young. Here is the update on that situation….
Her father, the upper lesser/sociopath was extremely jealous. Didn’t like the idea that I got a dog without his “permission”. The dog is part pitbull, but is extremely gentle, and never even barks. One evening, the Narcissist came over to pick up my daughter for an exchange. He is not allowed to enter the gate to my property. The dog can obviously sense that the Narcissist is a sociopath, and the dog went nuts with growling, barking, and wanting to attack the narcissist. I have never seen the dog act this way. The narcissist knows why the dog went crazy on him. I didn’t need to explain. The dog is officially on the enemy list for the narcissist. Last week, he reported the dog to animal services, and made a false report that the dog attacked our daughter. Animal services gave me notice that was dog was to be quarantined for a week. I knew what he was doing. He was trying to created a false narrative, and make it seem factual fast. Again, I’m not an animal person, and feel nothing for animals, but I suddenly had a determination to protect this dog, it’s relationship to my daughter, and not allow the narcissist to trick anyone in authority. I immediately called animal control services, and spoke with the supervisors. I straight out told them that he was an abuser and hated animals. Out of everyone I have ever dealt with, they believed me the most, and seemed to know about his type. I was also able to gather enough evidence to prove independently that the dog never attacked my daughter, and that the narcissist made false allegations. The narcissist knew he was cornered, because the false accusation turned into, “so why are you attacking and harassing me? Why are you out to make me a liar?”. Not today, Satan!!
Brava ANM! I am emotionally uplifted by how you logically handled your daughter’s narc dad!
@Lisk, ❤
I’m glad ANM! The dog will be stealing your pillow by Easter:)
@Lorelei, yuck!!!!
That is awesome ANM and really good to hear!
WhoCares,
Thank you
ANM, I’m not a huge animal person either. I love animals, I just don’t love the messes. I was wondering, after spending time with your new dog, have you developed affection for him? Not just protective feelings.
Mercy,
I wouldn’t say I have protective feelings towards the dog, more like protective of my daughter and the situation. Definitely no affection.
ANM, Thank you. I’ve always trusted animals and their reactions to other people. It doesn’t surprise me that he reacted to ex that way. I’m sure animal control was able to reason that out too. I’m so glad it worked out in your favor.
Well, this is a good sign for me. I’ve had a number of experiences over a lifetime of animals basically working to socialize me (and doing a better job of it than my elementary school teachers ever could). Apparently, they don’t think I’m a Narc, although the shrink who put me on hyper meds at 9 told my parents (and probably teachers) not to encourage my writing, because “it’s Narcissism.”
Violetta, why would you need to be socialized? Haha the narcissism writing makes me laugh. Narcissism or not, why discourage it? Did they think if you don’t write it down you won’t think about the things you want to write. Or were they worried you would corrupt other kids with your writing?
Mercy,
There wasn’t a whole lot they could have done anyways. They were just going to write a report. The problem was, that the narcissist would lie, and demand that they write something obscure. He would wait a while, and then file something in court after some time had passed, and after he built his case against me with numerous false accusations. I’m not even going to allow it. Each false accusation is going straight to the judge, and have more and more of his privileges taken away each time.
ANM, could you remind me what school he is? When you go to court is it the same judge each time? The area I’m from, we have alot of judges. Some more fair than others. And there are some that just don’t want to take the time to get a full understanding. I know you deal with your narc in court alot so I was wondering how that works for you.
Mercy,
Exactly. I do not remember where you live. Are you in the USA? If so, yes, every state is different with how they assign judges to cases. I believe a friend of mine who lives in the state of Washington said that at every hearing, they assign different judges and commissioners to avoid a judge creating bias against a party. Here in AZ, if you are in family courts, a judge is assigned to you, and is over your case unless they retire or ask the case to be reassigned due to their own schedules. Therefore, we have had the same judge for the enitrity of our family law case. Yes, it is important to know how a judge is going to look at an event.
My judge has a background with working with children, so she doesn’t understand high conflict people, narcissism, or domestic violence. So an event like this would have to be presented to her as a custodial interference issue (parent creating chaos at the child’s home), which would go into the factors of “best interest of the children”.
If this were a different judge, I would probably present it as domestic violence by proxy issue, or even a mental health/parental fitness issue since the parent is obviously making poor judgement.
The narcissist is a 50 year old, what I believe is an Upper Lesser Somatic with a bit of Elite in him. He’s dumb as a door nail, and spends a lot if time shopping. But he spent his whole life seducing, and relies on this, even in court.
I’m a 35 yo magnet Empath. I can not stand Somatic narcissist, especially Lessers. He was a fling, and now we have a child together.
ANM, I’m in the US, Midwest portion. I can see how assigning different judges could be to a person’s advantage in some cases. If a narcissist was capable of manipulating a judge to side with him it would make it impossible for the empath to get a fair hearing. In your case I’m glad you have the same judge. It sounds like you have good knowledge of what needs to be done.
ANM. Give that dog some extra treats from me. 🎉
Kim e,
👊
And skritch him between the ears for me, please.
Dear ANM,
Delighted to hear your outcome ANM …. well done (but you shouldn’t have to)
Narcs….. selfish to the core, he put “his” needs above his own daughters ….. what a vindictive thing to do
Dogs are good judges of character ….you have one smart dog!
We’re watching the second series of “You” and there was a dog scene where it growled at Joe upon meeting …..big warning
Maybe we empaths need our very own narc sniffer 🐶
Haha
Enjoy your new furry friend protector
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
I’ve just finished the second season of YOU and I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to mention it 😆
So what is your take on joe? I’m leaning towards upper midranger although he does seem to possess a lot of awareness similar to a greater except he can’t be a greater because he believes that deep down inside he is an empath
Dear Witch,
On episode 8 season 2
We’re finding it all over the place and a bit confusing
We think they’re ” all ” a bit crazy 😜
He’s a psychopathic killer, yet he’s being made to look empathic and now they’re delving into his childhood traumas
How the hell did he get his cage into his storage shed ?
So many unanswered questions
Forty and Love …..seriously ?
Personally, I’m not big on Penn Badgley playing Joe, so it’s putting me off, he’s not that handsome or charismatic and women appear to go ape over him …. I’m really not buying it
Interesting the concept on how they’re portraying “pure love” and how we empaths let them down, it’s the way Mr Tudor describes
Definitely not a greater, mid ranger hmmmm, not sure, because he’s pretty brutal, I’m going for upper lesser to maybe lesser mid, but what would I know 🤣
Personally, we liked season 1 better !
Looking forward to where it’s going nevertheless Witch
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
@Bubbles
They are all a bit crazy, but you’ll find out more about that very soon. If you haven’t already.
Joe has killed people which would make him appear like a lesser but the reason I don’t believe he is is because of the way he treats his IPPS.’ There isn’t any verbal or physical abuse during the relationships. He manipulates his IPPS’ primarily by lying and maintaining the facade of a harmless nerdy book keeper. He cares more about how others perceive him than a lesser would. Delilah says to him “you act nice which probably means you’re not.” A lesser wouldn’t be as concerned with appearing “nice.”
When he kills it’s to a)avoid being exposed and b) avoid being discarded. But primarily it’s to avoid being exposed.
(The killings in the show, I believe are for theatrical purposes and shock value rather than serving as an accurate portrayal of narcissism. I also think they tried to portray several aspects of the dark triad in one person plus wanted to include overt violence, which is why there is a lot of overlap.)
Joe seems to be aware that he is set a part from others for the wrong reasons but he doesn’t really understand that it’s because he is a narcissist. He believes his jealousy and need for control is out of concern and care for his IPPS, whilst I don’t think a lesser would think that deeply about it.
He also has a Machiavellian streak and is able to plan and scheme over a longer period of time than a lesser can. He may possibly be a mid midranger, but my perception is that he doesn’t really possess the temperament of the lesser.
I understand why they got someone like pen badgley to play this character because I guess he’s suppose to be an “average nice guy” (not particularly outstanding) that people wouldn’t expect of being capable of all that. It’s what makes the show “scary.”
I was also perplexed by how he got his cage in the storage shed without raising any alarms, which is why I also preferred the first season because it was slightly more realistic.
I like how the second season ends though because it’s very accurate to narcissism
Sounds like the people behind the show are familiar with Fowles’ The Collector.
@violetta
“You” is an adaptation of a book by the same name and sequel “Hidden Bodies.”
I haven’t read the books. Might give it a go.
I know about the show’s immediate source novels, but “harmless” and “nerdy” is exactly what Fowles’ Fred Clegg seems to be, even to himself.
Dear Witch,
Update…..
Just finished the second season of “You”
Whhhhheeeellll ….. that was a whole lot of double psycho crazy !
I just finished writing on Mr Tudor’s post about “soulmates”
annnnnnd there it was ….. haha……. “we’re soulmates” ……I couldn’t help but laugh 😂
“You” just never know your next door neighbours ….. right ?
Hurry up season 3 😂
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
@ Bubbles
SPOILER ALERT:
Okay you’ve finished so you now know that the current IPPS is also a narcissist, her parents are narcissists and her brother.. all narcs 😉
Dear Witch,
Just to let you know, I did a long reply to you regarding “You”, I’m not sure if it went thru or if it’s in moderation
Sorry my lovely….
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Well handled.
My ex had cycles of loving me, berating me, and silence treatment and distance. And then repeat. Sometimes with breakups. He also said he couldn’t trust me, and made me believe that I did many things that showed him he couldn’t. He would curb his behavior with other women around when it made me uncomfortable. He was really really good at shutting them down and out with me around – though I could tell that before me, he always was charismatic and flirty. Towards the end he started to get a little more loose with it again. He had lots of admirers and loved it. He said I I had convinced him that he couldn’t trust me (some
Things looked bad but weren’t, so I understand-ish, and I had told him I had had a checkered past before him) but I absolutely adored this man and would’ve never cheated on him. Anyways he discarded me with such finality and so cruelly. He would be so cruel during the berating also. It’s just all became cyclical until he discarded me. Is it possible that I could be just making him into a narcissist to make me feel better? Maybe he was just really insecure and really couldn’t trust me? He did have a baby’s momma around always pining for him. He never told me good things about her, only bad. But he would want Into her from time to time. And he did give me a reason that he discarded me. So that makes me feel like maybe he wasn’t a narcissist. Could you shed any light on this? (Also he did a lot of cocaine and weed, and Often he would do hallucinating drugS). Like I want him to be BC it would make me feel better, but I don’t know if he was. Please help if you can.
Hello Shana, this is a matter which requires more information from you so I can give more detail to you and therefore you are best served by organising a narc detector consultation and then an audio consultation so you can understand what this person is and then ask all the questions you need to, thereafter.
This is a good listen for anyone who waivers on whether they’re dealing with a narcissist because they manage to find that one trait that makes them doubt it, which I do every so often. I went right from this one to “narcissistic or narcissist”, which is also great for anyone who was confused like me! I’m a “winner” – I’ve got a narcissist.
For me personally it’s more painful accepting my mum is a narcissist than an ex (probably because I literally came out of her vagina.)
I used to question if there was something wrong with me as to why I couldn’t cope with her, until I realised that it doesn’t matter how much of myself I give to her, it will never be enough. She will always find a grievance.
I know it’s not PC for me say, but logically it would be better if she died sooner because that will be the only peace she will ever get.
Witch
You may be surprised at the peace you find then as well.
No doubt!
It’s the worst when people say, “You only have one mum” or “She’s your sister”. Yes she might be my sister but she has never cared about me, quite the opposite – she just pretends to. I don’t bother telling people. I just say how wonderful they are and how lucky I am because that is all people want to hear.
@alexis
I only speak to a select group of people about it.
It’s difficult to explain what a midranger is like to people who haven’t experienced it or don’t know much about it.
So when most people ask how my mum is I just say “she’s fine” .. it’s not exactly appropriate to say “well she’s still manipulative” and talk about it for an hour at a social gathering
I hear you 100% that’s why it’s so lovely on here to be able to truly speak our minds.
“ I know it’s not PC for me say, but logically it would be better if she died sooner because that will be the only peace she will ever get.”
It’s a statement that only ACONs can really understand. It’s a statement not coming from anger or hatred or lack of love but of just simply knowing that their N parent’s lives will never get better. I have said the same thing.
Thanks MommyPino, plus my mum is a victim so it’s not like she can contribute to society in other ways. it’s like watching your dog suffer needlessly, you would chose the option of putting it down. In certain circumstances I would want to be put down too instead of prolonging the suffering.
Witch, tell me about it. My mom was a Victim too. I did everything that I can to elevate her life but it’s like trying to fill up a bucket with water when it has a hole. She passed away last July and I still have mixed feelings about it all. I am thankful that her restless life is over and she’s finally at peace. But I feel bad for her that because of how she was she was not able to spend a lot of time playing with my kids. It would have been so fun to bring her over here and have her be a part of my kids’ lives if she was only normal. I brought my son to my home country and we stayed at her house to have her experience being a grandma even for just one month and also to test the waters but she couldn’t help what she was and my son bonded with my empathic aunt but he was afraid of my mom. That was before I found Narcsite and learned what my mom was. I never lost hope that she would change until I discovered HG’s works. But that hope was also preventing me from moving on and having a peace of mind.
@mommypino
I hope you’re more at peace, now that you know there wasn’t anything you could have done to help her. I also used to feel somewhat responsible for my mums life, but I’ve come to accept that it’s none of my business
Thank you Witch. You are correct.
Witch—when puzzle pieces started to fall together and I realized my father was a narcissist it was very hard to accept I had denied not only the reality of how sick my relationships had been, but how sick my childhood had been. It was absolutely abnormal and it was good he died before my kids became much older. I was constantly having to be alert to his behaviors that were inappropriate to protect the kids. It’s something how I did this in almost automaton mode. Without thought, business as usual. I think it’s kind you think of her gaining some peace in an eventual death. I have a hard time with this—it is all I knew but he was so absolutely a disaster it explains quite a bit.
@lorelei
We will always love our primary care givers, and remain in this cognitive dissonance about them. I’ve said here before that I don’t really think you can truly love a narcissist but when genetics are involved that love is biological and instinctual.
My eldest sister claims she doesn’t care for our mum at all, but I believe she needs to flame her anger constantly because when that dies, she will find that she will always care to a certain degree and there isn’t much she can do about it.
Witch—there sure is that odd unusual lure to a parent. That is what makes it even more messed up. If my father was still alive and I became financially just broken he’d hand me $11,000 if all he had was $10,000. Anyone looking at that would marvel at his greatness. Total disconnect for people/myself looking at these things. Never mind he triangulated between me/my brothers by buying me anything I wanted. Car wrapped in ribbon—all of it while my brothers had to drive the “older car” in the driveway.. HG even mentioned somewhere the manipulation tactic of luring a woman in and impressing her with his fidelity to the other partner until he indeed ended the relationship in a formal manner. Interesting what the other side of that coin may look like! I know we are talking about caregivers primarily, but these mismatches provide the confusion because people want a diabolical element all of the time to believe someone is truly problematic. This is in part why this concept is so tough.
Thanks for sharing Lorelei, it reminded me of how good and decent narcissists can appear and why we believe they are not really narcissists and can change.
My mum can certainly do good for me but it’s at a cost. When you no longer need her for anything and you stop saying yes to everything she wants, she backs off and finds another “favourite.”
Indeed at a cost Witch!
Yes! Yes Yes! You articulated this so well Lorelei!
My sister all over. Noone would ever know and I have to constantly remind myself too.
Witch,
My situation may be completely different than yours, but I am in the same situation. When i was with my daughters father, and realized he was abusive, I went online and researched what all the crazy making was about, and it was like night and day with the realization that he is a narcissist. His behavior was/is so sadistic. During that phase, that we all go through, where you bringe watch youtube videos to try to make sense of it all, I came across a video by Lisa Romano, where she says, “if you have been attracting narcissist, you need to look at your parents, and feel their vibe. Chances are, one of them is atleast narcissistic.” I was like, now that’s interesting. But after doing soul searching about my childhood, the behaviors of my parents, and my relationships with them, my discernment is that my mom has borderline traits. I tried to tell a few of my sisters this, but they didn’t want to hear it. To be honest, even though they are Empaths, they play into the toxic dynamic of my mom, and have no problem with it. She has mellowed out over the years, so I have come to terms with who she is, and our past. One thing that is out of my control, and doesn’t seem like it will ever change, is that she counters anything healthy for me. One thing that stands out, she often sides with narcissist, and instead of encouraging me to go no contact or even grey rock, she demands that I engage with narcissist, she often sees them as the victims. Just. The other day, she was glowing, and told me that an ex narcissist of mine is running or office again as a politician next year. I could give a flying rats a**…. this was a dude who sleeps with hookers and drove me insane, yet she always gives me updates on him.
See my mum is different she would take my side and fight whoever I’m fighting. But I think it’s because she sees it as an insult against her, if her children are treated badly. However, she may then use that information against you at a later date e.g she would say to me “you’re saying no to me because you couldn’t say no to (name of my ex)”
She will show her lack of empathy by pointing out your apparent weakness when she doesn’t get her way.
I’m sorry to hear your mum doesn’t express a feeling of wanting better for you. Your siblings are used to it, this is what is normal for them, so it would probably be more helpful to speak to them about her jarring behaviours and leave out the “narcissism” for now.
I have a sister who won’t say anything against our mum. She told me recently that mum criticised what she looks like and I said “that’s cause mum is a hater” and my sister said “no she isn’t…” I was like okay ggurrl!
One day when she’s ready, I will be here when she wants to speak the truth.
Witch,
That would be interesting
Dear Witch,
My mum is a narc and eccentric into the bargain
Lucky me
I truly empathise having a mum who’s a narc ….. I’ve enough been good enough
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Sorry….. I’ve never been good enough
You are definitely good enough Bubbles and always have been. Just want you to know that I know that. Your mum got that biggie fact wrong!
Dearest AnneB,
You’re a lovely angel to say that, thank you precious one
Any narc, but more specially, a parent or partner can do so much damage mentally
The other day, my mum said AGAIN…. “I never wanted you kids”
I then asked her “do realise how psychologically damaging that is to say”, what if I said that about my mother” ?
She replied “oh she must be a bad mother”
I’m convinced there is a spring board attached to narcs because no matter what you say……any negatives or truths just bounce right off ! They hear you, but then comes that blank closed off look 😳
Our greater friend, the weasel, our youngest’s partner and our dear ol friend …….I’ve noticed, all the same
My mum received another ecard from her friend in England (she can no longer write from arthritis)
My mum was furious this Xmas that she didn’t get a personally handwritten card ….”I WANT my card, if I can write, so can she, that’s it, she’s no longer my friend”
Mum went onto her computer, as it’s so old it got hacked and they were asking for money so she asked Mr Bubbles to have a look
Mum has blamed Mr Bubbles for stuffing it up and she refused to hug him “I have a bone to pick with YOUR husband” No amount of explaining will suffice!
The focus on themselves overrides everything
We have a lot of colourful people in our lives and believe me they’ve showed their true colours
Thankfully, Mr Tudor has enabled me to handle them
Sending hugs n kisses to you AnneB
Luv Bubbles xx 😘