Poll : What Have You Sacrificed?
As part of the narcissistic dynamic, sacrifice is invariably present. You will have read in the ongoing A Very Royal Narcissist series (latest update A Very Royal Narcissist – Update Part 12 ) that Prince Harry as part of the “stepping back” deal has had to sacrifice royal duties, his military appointments and uniform and living full time in the UK.
What sacrifices did you make, either willingly as you thought they were right to make at the time as you did not know what you were dealing with or unwittingly and you only realised when you looked back on the ensnarement what you had let go?
You may choose as many options are as applicable and as always, do share your thoughts and observations in the comments.
Thank you for your participation.
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Kristin,
That’s a bit scarier, knowing he is a lawyer but likely all the more reason to have some solid evidence.
I can’t risk advocating if it will put you in physical danger but I will tell you that before I escaped entanglement I was instinctively pulling back (emotionally and otherwise) – even though I had not encountered HG’s work or knew my ex is a narcissist. But now I see that doing this really brought out the weird in his provocations and I managed to record it – but I began to recognize the patterns in his behaviour so I could anticipate it and I got lucky.
I did not do it at the time thinking it would have a future use but I was desperate to know that I wasn’t going crazy. And once I had those recordings ,I could listen to them and realize that I was not losing my mind and these things were really happening.
Those recordings were the basis of a reliable pattern of behaviour that my narc keeps demonstrating. They were not directly instrumental in my court case but demonstrate to the legal (and other) professionals that he cannot change.
WhoCares,
That is so good to know and thank you for sharing your situation. I have experienced the crazy that comes when you pull away and it isn’t pretty. I totally understand the need to know you weren’t crazy, the manipulative games will make you think you are losing your mind. The prick actually admits that he is gas lighting me and finds it funny. I just see it as more proof that I am with a narc who has destroyed me and that I need to leave.
I think recording him is a good idea and will definitely provide clarity after the storm. You were wise enough to do it and that was before you met HG, I am impressed! xx
Kristin,
“You were wise enough to do it and that was before you met HG, I am impressed! ”
Thank-you Kristin, but it was more motivated by desperation than wisdom!
Kristin,
I’m sorry you have had to suffer this abuse! I have been on both sides and I honestly believe the emotional or psychological abuse is much worse. If you haven’t already purchased HGs AP on divorcing the narcissist you should probably do so! This package is always highly spoken of. 😘
Fool Me,
I fully intend on purchasing that package, thank you! xx
You’re welcome Kristin. I’m so happy to read you are going to purchase that package. You have nothing to worry about with HG standing beside you! ( his work )
FM1T,
I believe you 100%. We all know he is the world expert in this field and I trust his judgement. I have learned more from HG in 2 short months than I would have from a therapist in a year. I so appreciate your advice and support. 🥰
I agree, the emotional and psychological abuse far outweighs the physical. May be contrary to popular belief but it’s the truth.
Kristin: I don’t know if I’d actually recommend doing it. Some fucktards might consider it grounds for a beatdown.
No doubt Violetta. The prick has hit me over much less but I like the idea 😅
Kristin,
“The prick has hit me over much less…”
I am very sorry Kristin for your experience.
And I also wanted to say – mostly in light of watching a real life empath and her experience with the legal system – how important it is to document these incidents.
I can’t stress it enough.
WhoCares,
I have a friend who is in the process of divorcing a narc and she told me the same thing. It hasn’t happened it a while and I never know when he will blow. He man handles me quite a bit and she suggested recording my me telling him to get his hands off of me but he is unpredictable and I have to be prepared to record him. The attorney said you have to have proof or it is he said she said. I have lashed out at him over the years while trying to push him away from me and I know he will use that against me but has no proof. He is an attorney and a damn good one at that but I will be using one who known in this area and is excellent in this field.
We all know that there is no point in telling him that he is a narc so am I being naive in wanting to use irreconcilable differences as grounds for a divorce when the time comes? I am afraid that the accusation of abuse may come to back to bite me. Thanks WhoCares 😘
Kristin if can work it out you should consult with HG! He can get you through this divorce and nothing will come back to bite you. I’d bet my life on it, and him! 🥰
Fool Me
Thank you! I know that I will not be able to survive or even go through with the divorce without HG. It is always good to hear support of him and the many success stories due to his work. xx
If someone’s going to hit me anyway, I like to make sure I deserve it. Might as well give him the 2nd-degree burns on his pee-pee, because Accident.
“Gee, honey, I’ve explained you shouldn’t startle me….”
(Seriously, get HG’s advice; mine will only get you into trouble.)
Thank you Lorelei!
When I did pay attention in school, I was a good student.
Lorelei
Hahahaha…running nude down the road is sorta-kinda-normal in my world.
My pleasure MB!
Being a little crazy is ok.
K—I just saw this reply. It’s appalling what a freeloading piece of shit he turned into. Amazing.
Lorelei
My replies are a mess and I have lost some threads, but re: student loans, NYU is offering free tuition to all medical students regardless of income and other universities are following suit. It’s unfair to strap people with loans that they can’t afford to repay. People can’t buy homes, get married or start families because of student loan debt. It’s ridiculous.
K—funny thing about it is that through my work at a university affiliated employer school is free. The catch? Someone set it up in 1960 and it’s geared for people with no job. Few people attend. No one can take three classes in graduate school at a time with a family and a job unless they do nothing else. It’s a typical requirement for the programs. I can take up to 12 hours per graduate college for “fun”’but not to complete. If done in that manner it’s ok to take a class at a time. It’s dumb.
Like I said—no doctor is in a rush to pay loans. I’ve seen NP’s end up with 100k easy which is tough because they are strapped with less earning capacity typically. Although, certain NP’s make as much or more as some physician specialties. Pediatricians, family docs—aren’t loaded. Often psychiatrists are broke as well, but they can get creative. Psychiatrists are often jokingly referred to a half doctors. They ask for some of the dumbest stuff at times, it’s eye rolling.
I started reading up on narcissism (which I thought equated to vanity) only after the devaluation – and that too only when a mentor voiced that he sounded like a narcissist. My research on the topic then truly opened up a can of worms. But, on the positive side, it helps me understand a “kind” of people.
Indeed, it hurts and I am still trying to understand. If anything, I am only annoyed at myself- especially being only a candidate IPSS and still making such a leap literally across the country. Love devotee much?
Sorry to read about your friend. I hope she will find the strength to get away from such toxic people.
K:
“NPD was never mentioned once in the article.” Ironic, isn’t it? We’ve learned to spot it, so it’s always a surprise to be reminded how blind most people are to it. They might look at it as some sort of obsessive love where her thoughts matter more than anyone else’s, but the truth is, the whole world ought to be thinking about HIM, and she’s only under more obligation than most. His woman, his thoughts, you know.
Violetta
It’s awful; the pattern of behavior is blatant and we can see it so clearly. He was definitely the problem; he perceived her thoughts as competition.
Violetta,
The article is no longer accepting comments, however, Tamogen01 wrote (4th comment),
“Generational narcissistic abuse people! I wish would wake up and see this awful disorder for what it really is. Kids really suffer.”
Na,
I can agree with that perspective.
Haha – good to hear, K!
K,
Re: tuition being cost prohibitive…
You should just do it!
Go for funding like Lorelei suggested. The worst that could happen is they will say ‘no’…
WhoCares
Hahahaha…since I have been around narcissists my whole life, the word “no” wouldn’t hold me back; I would just work my way around it.
FYC,
💙
Mercy,
Thank-you for your reply. I agree that judgement vs. expression of opinion is a sensitive area. Usually, when someone expresses a judgment on another, that person who is doing the judging believes their determination is based on facts. But do they have enough “facts” to make that determination? Or are they cherry-picking facts that support their opinion and passing that off as sound judgement. I think many of us, having once gone through entanglement know how easily we can get caught up in defending someone’s behaviour to ourselves and others. Didn’t many of us think (in the beginning) that our ex’s were ‘all that’ – based on ‘fact’? And we were, either, not willing or not able to see their behaviour objectively.
I too, do try my best not judge or to reserve judgment until I have all the facts. Emotions definitely cloud this process.
““if someone cares to know me, my actions and motivations over time express my character and one specific moment in time doesn’t define me” I love these words and wish everyone could live by them”
Thank-you!
All true perceptions, WhoCares, not a breath of flattery. I have never understood why people do not share genuine, positive observations. Seems many people are quite comfortable staring negative (and often inaccurate) ones. Go figure.
NA, I found your comment spot on. No apology necessary.
Of course HG’s works stand on their own merit. This is obvious and remains untainted by his grateful and reasonable (if passionate) supporters.
Dorion, As for reputation management, this “rallying” behavior you mention is not a concern. HG is not presenting the blog as a scientific, scholarly, or professional resource. HG has created a unique platform for victims that allows each the freedom of expression (the good, the bad and the ugly) and all learn from the contents. HG’s framework exceeds that of scholarly models. I find it interesting that some people discount HG’s work based on superficial judgements such as the one you identify. It speaks more of the viewer than the blog. The unfortunate part of this is they stand to miss out on so many invaluable insights. I hope as a relative newcomer, that you remain, and see the greater depth contained in the blog content as well as the comments. Both reveal much more than you estimate. Please understand this is an intellectual response based upon personal and professional experience. You are welcome here, as is your opinion, as is everyone else’s.
Note: Sorry my comments are not nesting properly. I selected the reply to NA below, but the comment posted at the top. WP has more than a few issues at present!
Thank-you, K – between yours and FYC’s comment, I am just damn happy I am in a quiet corner of the public library while my son is quietly engaged in video games.*
(Yes, HG, video games. Don’t worry, I will make him take a book out.)
HG approves.
Haha!
My pleasure WhoCares
Excellent! Enjoy your quiet corner in the library. After I finish my tea, I will be heading over to the library, as well. It’s a great place to think.
K,
“It’s a great place to think.”
Agreed.
Found one!
WhoCares, you are perceived as lovely, respectful, loving, strong, caring, intelligent, thoughtful, a great mother, a friend to animals and people, and brave. Hope that clears up any internal pondering on how you are perceived. No amount of speaking out will change that perception. So proceed without a doubt and save your energy for your son and puppy (I am pretty sure you’ll need it for both!).
Thank-you FYC.
That was unexpected and really touched me.
(Just wish I wasn’t out in public at the moment and could find a damned tissue. Lol.)
“Be fearless and speak your mind; I don’t judge.”
Thank-you, K. I have spent significant amounts of energy during my life fighting my internal thoughts on how I am perceived by people – likely due partly to narcissists poking at these sensitivities and things I have internalized over time. A lot of people don’t realize the hold this particular weakness has over them and their narc’s exploit this.
It is a battle on more than one front – and HG’s work has helped me with this one in addition to understanding Narcissism.
Re: Fuel…yes! I can think of many professionals who would benefit from a read of this.
WhoCares
You are perfect just the way you are and, if people don’t like it, that’s their problem. You are correct; understanding yourself and your emotions is one front the other is understanding the narcissist. Understanding will grant you freedom. All Professional Therapists should read Fuel then maybe they would learn a thing or two
You don’t have to walk on egg shells, try stomping around for a bit; you might like it.
K—I simply did a FAFSA and decided I’d pay it back by teaching. I’ll be teaching until death anyway after my ex’s financial fiasco! It really impacted my retirement so I
accept there are repercussions not yet realized. Also, I estimate enormous expense for the kids university.. It’s insane that he (my ex) has a six figure income and has no money. I mean not one dime K. I kid you not.. He was taking food out of the kitchen to nibble on at work while “the guys“ would go eat so he didn’t starve because every dime went to stocks. He has nothing. He never had his bonus, nothing. Word salad explanations.. It’s incredible what the narcissism does to a smart person.
Lorelei
Hahahaha…research takes lots of time and patience!
It’s amazing how some narcissists have six figure incomes but they never seem to have any money when it comes to their children’s education. My ULN didn’t contribute a dime towards his children’s college education. It’s all about the control and they will maintain total control even if means that they will self-destruct. They just can’t “see it” it’s all about control in the now.
K—I thought of you as I was pulling research articles last night through different databases. I am far from done. I’m driving myself nuttier than I already was.
HG,
Which category does an individual fall into when they claim they are hurt,with a flat expression and show no remorse?
But they claim they are empathic people.
Can you be empathic only with words?
It seems to me more like reverse psychology
Use a Narc Detector Consultation with regard to the relevant individual.
K: With the degree, you could teach Library Science.
Think about all the students who could have you instead of the Dolores Umbridges presently infesting academia.
Violetta
Library Science would be right up my ally and I wouldn’t mind teaching; I volunteered to teach knitting and origami to elementary students and I enjoyed it very much.
We need a herd of centaurs, from The Forbidden Forrest, to carry away all of the DUs in academia!
That was lovely to read Presque Vu.
Your forecast for 2020 sounds fabulous!
I have two comments NA – First, “unsanitized” is a good word choice. It captures how I have been feeling lately on the blog – like I want to sanitize my comments or curtail my comments so that I don’t step on toes, offend etc…(Fortunately, most people here are open to differing perspectives and that is partly what makes them good at learning.)
I spend a lot of my daily life “curtailing” my actions and activities, and be highly conscious of my choices because of the fallout of my entanglement and ensuing legal matters. I am – at times – probably over sensitive to people judging me as a consequence of my experience with narcissists. Other times, I don’t give a rat’s ass – since, if someone cares to know me, my actions and motivations over time express my character and one specific moment in time doesn’t define me. If it did…then my narcissist would have been “right.”
Second, I have had one mental health professional also refer to the blog, as she is aware of HG’s work, and say to me “the only problem with a site like that is someone is receiving attention as a result.”
Um, what?! How is that a “problem” , perhaps upon further examination you would find there is a reason for that attention.
I could have gone on a rant with her about other things that people give their attention to that are born out of narcissism…
Instead, I just shrugged and said: “After what I went through – I never, *ever* want to have a repeat performance and I don’t wish that experience on anybody. As a result of HG’s work, I will never be ensnared again – or, if I am, it won’t last long because I will see the signs. Do you know how empowering that is?”
Actually, a third note, I suspect that the proliferation of praise of HG’s work often has the affect of signalling to some that perhaps there is something further worth examining here…
WhoCares
Be fearless and speak your mind; I don’t judge.
That mental health professional should buy a copy of Fuel, because then she would realize that tertiary sources provide the least amount of fuel.
HG’s work is the best in the world and mental health professionals should take note!
WhoCares,
I think sometime Judgmental and difference of opinion are mistaken as being one and the same. I know I’m guilty of this sometimes. I’m sensitive to people that are judgmental because I try very hard not to live my life that way. I realize that my sensitivity often causes me to be judgmental toward people that are just stating an opinion that isn’t in line with mine. Its something I’m working on.
On the other hand, I feel that if someone states a strong opinion they should be prepared for others to disagree. You cant openly express criticism toward a group of people and expect it to be accepted by everyone without challenge.
“if someone cares to know me, my actions and motivations over time express my character and one specific moment in time doesn’t define me” I love these words and wish everyone could live by them.
Dorian,
I have been in a mentally and physically abusive marriage for 28 years. I was blind sided, have lost myself and find it difficult to just keep it together each day. I can truly say that HG is a lifesaver. His advice is invaluable as I have learned about the narc I married. Even more importantly, I have learned more about myself thorough the empath detector than I would have thought possible. I have consulted with him, read his books and utilized a number of his assistance packages. I have a long road ahead of me and escaping my situation would not be possible without his help.
I can see your point but I truly believe the advantages outweigh any criticism. It is apparent, just by reading the various accounts, that HG has helped so many people. If not for his guidance, I know that I would eventually break down completely, that is why I am so grateful for him and the support of others on this site. I wish you the best.
Lily
I hear your words very strongly and I resonate. In 2015 met a Lesser who managed to ALMOST trample through my life. On that occasion I lost nothing except my faith in humanity which was shaken to the core. It was then I first started to seriously research NPD. That was very late 2015. But I’ll never forget the feeling of that man inside my mind. And this is quite odd but in my experience it actually doesnt matter if they are Ls or Ms. (Gs behave differently).
What I do take and acknowledge – absolute ownership – for is that I allowed myself to be persuaded. I allowed it. No one else. I cant even say I had the luxury of bad luck or mistake making. I knew at a level, that I was entering into a relationship for entirely the wrong reasons. They did make sense at the time but an unaware empath can never play those games.
For you, five months is a frighteningly short space of time. I gently say, that this person has possibly built on something that happened in the past.
Does that make sense?
Renarde: I saw your comment only today. Thank you for sharing your experience, which I am sorry to read of. Like you, I take ownership of having fallen prey to the Middle: he may have used a couple of butterflies to pave the way, but I chose to misinterpret the profusion of red flags and ignore advice from family and friends. I was suspicious (even flippant) during the first few days of lovebombing, but then fell hard after rationalising that I shouldn’t let my prejudices stop me from loving someone who was apparently head over heels in love with me – after all, wouldn’t only deep/true love explain why he wanted me to buy his old family home with him, populating it with children who can have the same experiences he had, and being together for the foreseeable future? (plus, the classic “Where have you been all my life?”)- all of this conveyed on what I call our first “real” date. Yes, intense 5 months, but more like a condensed 3-5 years. I still haven’t figure out why I had a quick devaluation & discard, and some benign hoovers – I am thinking it might be the outcome of some unintentional wounding, strong support network, and being outwardly guarded.
You are very astute in remarking on the something from the past. Firstly, I know him for a few years as we are in the same domain of work, with many mutual colleagues and friends. He also sees me (and always saw me) as his main competitor. Secondly, he once identified some qualities in me that he admires: empathy, helpfulness, hopefulness, forgiveness, and truth seeking – qualities that do not bode well. Thirdly, I eventually realised why I considered his behaviour to be normal…. I was raised up in a household similar to that of HG’s, along with a Matrinarc, a Fratrinarc, and a large extended family comprising of maybe 75% Narcs. Being around such individuals was “normal”.
Renarde and Lily:
There was an item in DM a few days back about a writer whose working class family did everything to discourage her from achieving anything they couldn’t. Despite her professional success, she married a man who at least once said, “I’m jealous of your thoughts, because they are inside you.”
Our radars are off, and we have to reset them.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/books/article-7922105/amp/Deborah-Orrs-raw-account-escaping-stifling-childhood-shocking-triumphant.html
Violetta
NPD was never mentioned once in the article.
Her thoughts were a threat to his control and perceived as a criticism because all her thoughts (emotional attention/fuel) should be directed towards him (triangulation). What a selfish woman!
https://narcsite.com/2019/05/21/jealous-of-your-contentment-11/comment-page-1/
Lily
Thank you for your reply. I cant say I’m pleased that my arrow of logic re your background hit a mark. I often find it’s the case. 75% is a lot. I come from a lot as well, the paradigm that ACONs live through is utterly bizarre and at times very frightening.
You rightly ask, why did he disengage? Very probably, you were simply too much effort. That’s the more likely explanation. This is good. It’s the very best outcome for you. I know it hurts. But believe me, it’s for the best.
I have a lovely friend. I’ve been watching her posts on SM for months. Hes not a nice person and says horrible things to her.
E.g
I married a woman from Reading, she keeps on doing my head in’
Foolme1time, Lisk, ANM, mommypino, NarcAngel, Whocares thank you for positive responses. It means a lot. You are all to be commended yourself, we all have a heartbreaking story to tell. But then we also ALL have the story of our rise from the ashes, stronger, wiser, heart given to only those who deserve it and we battle on with our war scars. They show my story and my victory as does yours.
When you share it out loud, that’s when you realise.. wow my childhood was bad bad. I became a teen mum, fell pregnant at 17, put myself through university, had another child in a healthy relationship that lasted 12 years but we fell out of love and moved on amicably. Then I met the nex, I realise now why. I was working, studying, full time rut. He appealed to my love of poetry and literature, I’m a love devotee despite all the hell id been through. I was vulnerable and he knew it. I saw the red signs but I believed I could deal with anything. A lot of it was my fault because I let things happen for so long. I started to feel he wasn’t normal, so I’d deliberately test him. I was gathering detailed proof I wasn’t a loony. Sure enough, he showed his sadistic predator side and when I could see my boys pleading with me to end it. My youngest then 16 stood up to him and called him out on his behaviour. That was it. They were protecting me. I had to protect them!
2.4 years later, I still get the hoovers through LinkedIn so for now I’m off everything.
My ex wasn’t just a narcissist, he has anti social personality disorder as well. I can’t tell if a psychopath or sociopath but he’s 100% on the spectrum.
How I ended up with someone similar to that I escaped at 16 still baffles me.
HG has cleared a lot up! I’m in counselling now, it’s helping as does this place.
2020 I’ll continue solo travelling, finding new hobbies, making new friends, loving my family and putting the past behind me. Time to get my groove back!
Wish you all the best in your own recovery ladies. I enjoy reading all your contributions, I learn a lot from not only HG, but all of you too.
Presque Vu
You had it bad and I am happy to read that you are getting your groove back!
Thank you Presque Vu, 2020 will be a great year indeed! 💕
@BL
I have a mild case of trichotillomania so I make myself lose hair but luckily I have a lot of hair too and my hair is thick so it not noticeable
ANM,
“I would have to say, cross examining a narcissist in court during an 8 hour trial hearing was extremely difficult.”
That is pretty impressive. Your whole comment is. In the beginning I had to self-represent and wow, family law is a steep learning curve – on top of learning about narcissism.
That is amazing progress and good to hear!
Thank you @ WhoCares. It is so difficult to do . I would not recommend anyone to represent themselves in court. Things can get done so much faster with an attorney. I did post on here last October that my judge took under advisement cost for attorney fees. In other words, even though I won our trial, and the narcissist could afford an attorney at $400/hr, she believes I should have to pay something to keep from excessive filings. If her ruling comes back unfair, I have an attorney who is a pro bono attorney ready to appeal it. Cross examining a narcissist, especially when I was the former IPPS, triggered PTSD like no other. There are certain questions you would never want to ask a narcissist in court. If anyone is faced with doing this, try to sit in on a few trials at your local court. if your court only allows closed hearings, then definitely consult with HG, one would need to prepare for gaslighting x10 and the narcissist trying to frustrate you and the judge. The abuse has been recently escalating with the narcissist, on sunday, my daughter asked her dad to call me so she could tell me goodnight. He allowed her to, but she instead called me to say her dad was yelling and verbally abusing her. He then started to yell and call her a liar. I sent the police over to his house to check on them. because he has weapons in his home, they sent 4 officers to examine the situation. to retaliate, he withheld my daughter one day past the court ordered time, he called all of my daughters doctors and told them we are switching doctors because he wants to choose “better doctors”, and he also said he will never allow me to speak on the phone with my daughter during his time unless I drop the restraining order I have against him. I am going to file to modify custody even again. Here, we are supposed to wait a whole year to pass since the last order was written, but I am going to ask the courts to do it at 6 months. Myself and I are getting the paperwork ready. to make sure my motion doesn’t get turned down, and run the risk of paying my ex’s attorney fees, I am going to hire a very good attorney (a narcissist ) to take the case limited scope, just to ask the judge to expedite the case, and then I will probably represent myself at the next trial again. ugh
I meant to say that myself and 2 pro bono attorneys are working on my case, and getting paperwork ready, but I will need to hire a good attorney to represent me for at least a few hearings to prove abuse.
ANM,
I just read this, my stomach just clenched at the thought…if your daughter is reporting verbal abuse by your ex and there is police involvement – surely there is grounds to modify the order before a year is up?
My thoughts are with you.
And I lost a molar through stress.
Em, I was losing hair from the stress. Luckily I have a lot so it wasn’t noticeable, but it was very obvious in the shower when a whole handful would come out.
Thank you Lorelei!!!
Dearest FoolMe,
You’re words are so kind and warmed my heart immensely, thank you lovely one
I’m saddened by your story FoolMe, in fact, everyone here has suffered immeasurably, it’s heartbreaking
I’m like you FoolMe … I was never good enough
I can tell by your comments you’re one amazing lady, you are way better than you think you are
I hope you’re recovery is on track precious one
Never forget … you’re special
💕
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Presque Vu, That made me cry and I don’t cry very easily at all.
NarcAngel:
The inappropriate ones are usually the most fun.
Anm,
Re: “Last but not least, we need to stop excessively defending HG. His work and success speaks for itself. I believe when we are overly defensive with our commentary, it dilutes his mission and purpose. Just my 2cents.”
I am a bit of an outsider here but perhaps the way I see it is useful for exactly that reason. I definitely believe HG’s work speaks for itself and the excessive adoration here takes away from his reputation rather than adding to it. I saw this when I first encountered this blog and, in part, it was exactly one main reason why I was skeptical and cynical initially. Ad I am convinced many other people who never participate here or interact with HG can have the same impression from the outside – what is the rallying around him is about? Is this something he constructed and manipulates, to have this rallying around? It definitely dilutes the mission and the quality of feedback, especially (I think) for readers that have not been abused by narcs and/or are not empaths but interested in the topic. I am sure the camaraderie is nice here and helpful for those involved, but it does make the image of the blog less professional somewhat. I actually had the same feedback from a mental health professional friend I showed that I invited to check out the blog.
Hello Dorion, thank you for your observations.
1. The “rallying round” is not constructed by me. I do not regard it as excessive either.
2. It manifests from people who are grateful to me for having assisted them. It also people who for once have been allowed a voice, when hitherto they have been denied it
3. Most people who read here will have been involved with narcissists, those who come here purely out of interest in the topic are a very small minority.
4. I regularly receive referrals from therapists, psychologists and mental health professionals and therefore their feedback is at odds with your observation.
5. Any excessive adoration that occurs is as consequence of the behaviour of that individual as opposed to the nature of the work.
Dorion
I hear the concerns of both you and ANM (and others I’m sure).
I’ll come at it from another angle.
On the other hand, it would be a bit suspect to me if it were not the case that there were some who are viewed as being “overly defensive” (which btw is the minority and a matter of perspective). Empaths are emotional people and are here in various phases of narcissistic engagement. It might be annoying to those who it would not come natural to to do so, (I am annoyed by some things here (yet not the issue you raise) and am aware also that I am annoying to others), but I would rather the blog remain “unsanitized” so that we see a good representation of all readers. There are other sites where people have had their comments and opinions removed because they do not fit it with the model desired by the moderator(s). It may seem more professional to some, but it is not authentic to my mind. HG allows it all – the good, the bad, and the ugly (again, a matter of personal perspective) where it falls within the rules established and at his discretion with regard to confidentiality and a safe environment for his readers. Intelligence dictates that the content offered on the subject is what should be judged, and it is excellent. The rest is merely representative of human nature. The emotions are what makes it real. All of them.
It’s hard to deny the successful formula that has resulted in 18 million hits to date as annoyed or concerned as some of us may be.
Apologies to anyone who found that excessive.
I found it entirely accurate.
The only aspects which are moderated out, are those which contravene the rules. 99% of comments are allowed through.
NA,
Well said. I always appreciate your candor, no nonsense approach and of humor.
Just saw this NA. I was, in this case maybe somewhat the trigger for defending the work comments, but it’s no different than positive book reviews on Amazon. I appreciate that you took the views into perspective. If I had cancer, and just happened to luck into a clinical trial that saved me while others died around me.. It’s not much different in a way because the shape I was in was emotionally dead.
It isn’t “HG” accolades but the work. I’ve told him non-flattering things. Yet, I appreciate the open mindedness of understanding both views. I am not annoyed here, but interested in others differences. (Obviously I was annoyed by a personal attack..) What I mean is do I find anyone annoying due to their comments? No. I’m not sure why—I become annoyed in my life. I’m annoyed by politics on FB. Just not here really. If I annoy anyone it’s their problem and not mine though. I’m the one that has to live with my brand of annoying. I’m getting much better at giving fewer F’s so it’s actually helpful that there has been some inflammatory commentary. I am setting limits more and more with how much I understand that maybe it’s none of my business if someone doesn’t like me or my comments. I’m not changing to please anyone again.
When *we* hiked part of the Appalachian Trail. Appalachian Boy was not a Girl Scout.
Time, money (so much money), energy to put towards investing in life, a job, my health, my sense of self and more…
Through the process I learned to value the things in that list that are irreplaceable.
It is ironic because I used to say that the day that met him was both the best and worst day of my life – I met him, received an amazing job opportunity by phone and nearly lost my dad all on the same day (the doctors said that my father’s kidneys would have shut down a day later had I not brought him to the hospital when I did.)
Now I still say it was the worst and the best day of my life, only for different reasons…I met him that day…but I also have my son because of him.
*Sorry for the duplication