You Cannot Control That Which Must Not Be Controlled
You feel like you are trying to deal with an opponent that always seems to be one step ahead. It is like trying to tie down a vapour or stop the tide from advancing and engulfing your sand castle or catching an elusive will ‘o the wisp. No matter what you do, we always seem to have a way of squirming free, walking away and carrying on as normal. It is like trying to fight a battle with a rusty and nicked sword and one hand tied behind your back. It is akin to those dreams where you try to run but find you cannot move. You try to scream but no sound come from your throat. Every move you make appears to have been anticipated. You play a full house in poker and I produce a royal flush but where did that extra king appear from? I always have something up my sleeve. You are chasing the end of the rainbow but it always keeps shifting, just a little bit further away. You are getting nearer, closing on your goal and then it moves again. You think you have mastered the rules and then we introduce a new one which suits our purposes.
Last week we complimented the steak pie that you made. Our praise was effusive and it was a delightful hiatus in the otherwise unpleasant treatment you had been receiving. You decide to play this winning hand again and proudly place it in the centre of the table only to be met with a sigh and a roll of the eyes.
“What’s the matter? You loved the steak pie I made last week.”
“I don’t want to eat steak pie.”
“Why what’s wrong?”
“Why must there always be something wrong. I do not want steak pie.”
“But you did last week?”
“That was then and this is now.”
Cue scathing put downs and storming from the table leaving you bewildered and upset. You don’t make steak pie again only to be scolded the following week.
“What’s happened to the steak pie? Why have you stopped making it when you know that it is my favourite?”
You dress up to the nines and you are called slutty. You dress down and you are upbraided for not putting the effort in. You try to cuddle us in the night and an elbow is jabbed into your chest because you are making us too hot. Two hours later we wake you up and ask you why you stopped hugging us. We tell you that we will be in by seven and then appear at nine. You are forbidden from questioning us about this. You are not entitled to do so. We do as we please. You buy an expensive gift for our birthday and you are told that it is not as good as last year. The following year you really push the boat out to be told you have spent too much and we just wanted something simple. You re-decorate and select a rich chocolate brown. We declare it to be the wrong shade and point to a colour that looks no different. We will not let the matter rest until you have changed it. Once applied it appears the same. We declare we want to go out for dinner and you get ready only for us to decide we would rather stay in and watch sport.
Whatever you do it is always wrong, never correct, not good enough and an erroneous choice. No matter how many times you ask what we want, you still make the wrong choice. You suggest that we do it ourselves and you are accused of not caring. You confirm you will deal with it and you are a control freak who will not allow us to breathe on our own. Whatever you decide to do or say we will find a way of twisting it around so it suits us. Our logic seems entirely warped to you but to us it makes perfect sense because the only logic we adhere is that which means whatever we say is right, even when we show rank hypocrisy or we contradict ourselves. We can reason away every contradiction you point out to us and if you somehow back us into a corner then we will just accuse you of badgering us, change the subject or walk away. In our minds we win every single time.
We cast you aside telling you that you have let yourself go and we cannot be with you. You see us the next week and we are with someone less attractive than you, carrying more weight and who holds down a job less prestigious that yours. You cannot comprehend why we let you go and chose her instead, especially after what we said. You stare open-mouthed and scratch your head. To us we win again because we have acquired someone new whose fuel is better than anything you have ever provided and in addition we have got to you, so you pour out the negative fuel. If we had suddenly appeared with a supermodel instead you might talk a small degree of comfort in thinking that you could not compete with this person but do not let that think you have secured some kind of small victory. In our minds this just reaffirms that we were right to leave you and trade up.
You catch us in bed with someone else. It is not our fault. If you loved us properly we would not have to stray. You show us complete love and devotion and nobody could ever accuse you of selling us short in the bedroom. We accuse you of having too high a sex drive because you must be getting it elsewhere. If you apply reason and logic, especially towards one of our lesser brethren, then they will ignore the force of your words and instead accuse you of trying to belittle and bamboozle them with long words plucked from the dictionary and why do you always have to patronise them with such words and sentences. Whatever you choose, whatever you decide, whatever you do it will always be wrong and whatever we do will always be right. Accuse us as much as you like for being twisted, illogical and difficult and we will be in your face pointing out how you always have to try and get one over us. Black becomes white and then becomes yellow. Nothing makes sense with us but that is because it makes complete sense to us. Our approach is to gather fuel and that means we can and must do so through any means even if that does not stack up when looked at from your point of view. This warped and stretched approach allows us to achieve our aims, we confuse and bewilder you, we upset and anger you, we control you and each and every time we know that we have succeeded. Like the most deluded Minister of Propaganda we claim to have defeated you even as your tanks roll past us in the background. We see only what we want to see and we are impervious to all of your reason. We will never accept what you tell us because that does not accord with what we set out to achieve and what we must achieve. Of course this will not stop you trying. You try to defeat us as we replace your arrows with celery sticks and your sword with a stale baguette. We never fight fair. Your frustration, annoyance and inability to comprehend why we do this is what keeps you bound to us and allows us to keep on doing what we must keep on doing. Exerting control and extracting fuel.
You cannot control the uncontrollable.
Until you understand this and apply this understanding, you will forever be run ragged and misled by your emotional thinking posing as logic, but it is flawed logic.
We are designed to reject control. You try (unwittingly) to control us.
Therein lies the problem.
Stop trying to control us because you will never succeed.
Do not accept what I tell you time and time again? Go ahead, build that tower, build it high with the stones that adhere to your beliefs and principles, from stone that is beautifully cut and polished, that anybody would admire and cherish, but let us see how you build that tower with the sands beneath it which constantly shift and alter.
Watch that supposed no contact regime come crashing down because it is built on a terrible foundation.
To understand about what you can control and what you cannot to assist your no contact regime, utilise this Logic Bulletin Who Can You Control To Beat The Narcissist?
44 thoughts on “You Cannot Control That Which Must Not Be Controlled”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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If you can fix something, you don’t need to worry.
If you can’t fix something, you don’t need to worry.
So you never need to worry.
I told the Somatic. I was trying to fix his anxiety. It’s not really anxiety though, it’s a need for control.
HG, I want to tell you something. At my sport last night, I got angry like you.
A Narcissist showed up who has never been there before. I knew him from other social events, where he grabbed my friend’s hand, and made her touch my bum while I was bent over a table to grab something. My friend was laughing because she compulsively flirts with every guy.
This Narcissist is an intrusive, slimy, fake Midranger. I don’t hide my feelings and it is obvious that I hate him.
Anyway, at the pub after the sport, he of course targeted the most sweet, kind, trusting, innocent empath girl and was intrusively talking to her and they perhaps exchanged numbers. I was staring at them and I was ANGRY. I wanted to ask her to sit with me but that would be inappropriate and controlling.
This girl is so cute that she told me she saw her first kangaroo and was hopping around on all fours to show me how it moved 😆 She is from England like you HG.
I’m hardly ever angry so I had to vent to the guy sitting beside me. Anyway- he is an organiser at our sport (and probably a Narc too). Straight away he said the Narc who I vented about would be kicked out! 🤭 That wasn’t my intention, I just couldn’t control my anger. I haven’t seen someone kicked out before, and it took 30 seconds of explaining to have this Narcissist kicked out of the group totalling 80+ people!
Then the Narc organiser told the President, who was sitting beside him. The President is an Empath man. The President was very affirming of course, and he said we should watch the Narcissist, and kick him out if he misbehaves at our club. I agreed and said that was the best idea. But the Narc organiser said No, we don’t want him in our club. So the Narc I hate is being kicked out.
My next step will be to gently talk to the Empath girl to share my feelings about this Predator, in case they exchanged numbers.
Its a win.
Thank you HG. Narcs are good at making decisions and taking action. The empath man and I wanted to give him a chance to sexually harass women, and then kick him out. But the Narc organiser said No- he is gone now.
LOL, so cute!
Think you might be wrong on this one, maybe you should check it out. Anyways, thanks for finding time to reply.
I am not.
“ You feel like you are trying to deal with an opponent that always seems to be one step ahead. It is like trying to tie down a vapour or stop the tide from advancing and engulfing your sand castle or catching an elusive will ‘o the wisp. No matter what you do, we always seem to have a way of squirming free, walking away and carrying on as normal. It is like trying to fight a battle with a rusty and nicked sword and one hand tied behind your back. It is akin to those dreams where you try to run but find you cannot move. You try to scream but no sound come from your throat. Every move you make appears to have been anticipated. You play a full house in poker and I produce a royal flush but where did that extra king appear from? I always have something up my sleeve. You are chasing the end of the rainbow but it always keeps shifting, just a little bit further away. You are getting nearer, closing on your goal and then it moves again. You think you have mastered the rules and then we introduce a new one which suits our purposes.”
Powerful!! And true. You truly can describe in minute detail how it feels and cut straight to our core with descriptive narrative HG.
I stopped caring. I craved peace more than him. My boys deserved it and so did I. When you’re done, you’re done. I wanted peace in my house. I have it now thanks to you.
https://youtu.be/5RfToaCESuI
Sorry, I thought you were some kind of expert on the topic. My bad!
I am, but there is no such thing as a compensatory narcissist. There is your answer.
Lucia
Compensatory narcissist? I have never heard or read that term in all of my searching, or from anyone on this blog. Might you mean covert and it’s a translation issue?
Good for you Cali Girl! Keep moving forward, I admire your strength.
I am going to make it. I am making it.
My ex partner isn’t going to to play with me again, by his abusive daily /hourly testing.
Whomever he is with, is now taking care of him and his deceit. She can change his diapers.
I don’t even like him.
He is past his expiration date. The thought of him is rancid and past my wants and desires.
Grey rock is in full effect. I’ve changed my phone number.
I’m not waiting around or chasing anyone. My attorney is working on the divorce.
I won’t attend his funeral. He had me as a loyal wife. Had.
That’s the past. ✌️
Well done on the determination. Forget grey rock, it will not succeed. Utilise no contact and since you are embarking on the divorce you need this
https://narcsite.com/divorcing-the-narcissist-what-to-expect/
Feel free to ask other purchasers how useful this Assistance Package is and how if they had had it sooner they would have saved thousands in legal fees.
Cali Girl, don’t leave here at least until you are divorced!
Cali why you are waiting for your attorney you might want to purchase HGs information on Divorcing the Narcissist. There have been so many readers on here that have used it and only ever have praise for the information! Good luck.
Haha wow, this gave me flashbacks! I did everything his way without ever complaining, yet he said we always did everything my way! It also reminds me of how he came up with a long list of sexual things he wanted (none of which I would get anything out of) then say he couldn’t keep up with my large appetite. Glad I can laugh about it now 🤦🏼♀️
Ashley i would be kept short of sex, mine would say he couldn’t keep up as he was getting older. Truth was he was going elsewhere and keeping me short kept me coming back. Control!
Em, ahh that’s awful! Crazy. I’m sorry that happened to you. Eye opening! I don’t know what mine ended up doing behind my back. I wanted to know so bad for months, but now I’m happy I don’t know.
I would much appreciate if you can explain what compensatory narcissist is?
Thanks😘
I have no idea, it is not a term I recognise nor use.
Lucia
This article explains it very well.
https://narcsite.com/2017/01/30/the-mid-range-narcissist-2/
Haha K, this wouldn’t be a backhanded provocation would it??
Mercy
Hahahaha…oops! It was casu consulto (accidentally on purpose). After reading the thread on Violator, my suspicions were well founded.
K:
What got me was the this specimen criticizing anyone else’s writing, let alone HG’s.
What?!!
Violetta
I couldn’t agree with you more. It is a Red Flag and is evidence of hypocritical and contradictory behavior. HG’s writing is brilliant. Nobody articulates the narcissistic dynamic like he does.
K:
I am afraid it was my own Narcissistic tendencies that were triggered, not an urge to defend HG (who doesn’t need any defenders; we’ve all seen him squish attempted trolls like bugs). I have recently dealt with more than my share of mid-range examples of Dunning-Kruger at the fine institution of Fuck U. The idea of this semi-literate smugness questioning my literary taste….!
Violetta
And here I thought it was your Saviour Empath traits coming to the fore. Before narcsite I didn’t understand why so many individuals were so dumb (mystery solved; they are just narcissists), so I did a Google search and up came the Dunning-Kruger Effect.
Only a right bloody cheek would question your literary tastes! The audacity!
HA!
I was a DLS for the same reasons. No strings, no pressure. He still managed to hurt me, lie to me, twist things. Hurt me. It always has to hurt.
Hi, I stopped by today. And I wanted to say hello.
I hope you’re well and you’re making progress. I’ve made some fantastic progress, I’d say miraculous and incredible.
I tend to think that the narcissist is hiding behind false ego masks of normality. And it doesn’t say what he really is.
The Master, Dominatrix or Master, Mistress in a covert BDSM relationship, Psychology. I call this BDSM Psychology.
The practice of not being spoiled is what really gives you the power, the control that you need so badly.
Consensual BDSM practice is simply role play, child’s play. Which you are not interested in at all. It doesn’t really make sense.
I suppose that perhaps you expect to find among the thousands of people that I am clear and see reality through the mirror.
And I called you by your real name: Master
The acceptance by the submissive couple in this relationship will make any relationship impossible again, since you break the mirror and on the other hand you will not opt for control and the psychological power due to consent.
As you say in your article.
You have to do what you want.
As always a free spirit and nonconformist.
Master Tudor.
Really the victim does not realize that the narcissist has nothing to tie his victim with, it is the victim himself who carries the rope with which his master tied him with a thousand knots and this rope is his confidence and his attachment.
He just takes this rope and pulls his pets, and applies his discipline that he really loves. And if your pet has been well disciplined it always comes back for more. Like Paulov’s dog. Conditioning for attention crumbs.
For my part, taking control of my mind and this is done with meditation and change of programming uncertainly in an unconscious way and without consent.
I would recommend the taking of entheogens such as Ayahuasca to purify your traumas and the taking of Alvarius toad to break and fragment your ego. Here the problem is not the psychological therapy this will not help you to solve your problem. It is the patient who must decide to enter into catharsis for himself and leave as a new man. His new rebirth. His new beginning.
“Really the victim does not realize that the narcissist has nothing to tie his victim with, it is the victim himself who carries the rope with which his master tied him with a thousand knots and this rope is his confidence and his attachment.”
This. A thousand times this.
And I agree that psychology does not help with this. In fact, it made it worse. Only by using HG’s work could I detach. The confidence part can only come from me.
Ooh. You really describe this inability to get it right well. This is why I KNEW – early on- I didnt want to be IPPS.
And the longer I knew the guy, with each passing year as DLS. the more aware I became of how I’d have SUCKED as an IPPS. He chose the right one coz it’s not me.
HOWWWWWWW do empaths stand this?! How do you not just tell him to fuck off?
WokeAF:
“He chose the right one coz it’s not me.” Aren’t you lucky? It doesn’t seem so at the time, but that poor IPPS can scarcely draw a free breath, trying to satisfy someone who can’t be satisfied, and doesn’t really want to be.
I think at least one of Lady Jane Grey’s parents was a narc, maybe both. Her tutor once asked her why she was so studious, and she contrasted his gentle manner with her parents’ constant fault-finding:
For when I am in the presence either of father or mother, whether I speak, keep silence, sit, stand or go, eat, drink, be merry or sad, be sewing, playing, dancing, or doing anything else, I must do it as it were in such weight, measure and number, even so perfectly as God made the world; or else I am so sharply taunted, so cruelly threatened, yea presently sometimes with pinches, nips and bobs and other ways (which I will not name for the honour I bear them) … that I think myself in hell.
V
Christ on a crutch. Maybe LJG’s parents weren’t narcs – just annoyed at her pompous verbosity.
No, they all tied their prose in granny knots then. You should see Henry VIII’s love letters to Anne Boleyn.
MINE own SWEETHEART,
this shall be to advertise you
of the great elengeness that I find here
since your departing ; for, I ensure you
methinketh the time longer since
your departing now last, than I was
wont to do a whole fortnight. I think
your kindness and my fervency of love
causeth it ; for, otherwise, I would not
have thought it possible that for so
little a while it should have grieved
me. But now that I am coming to-
wards you, methinketh my pains be
half removed ; and also I am right well
comforted in so much that my book
maketh substantially for my matter;
in looking whereof I have spent above
four hours this day, which causeth me
now to write the shorter letter to you
at this time, because of some pain in
my head; wishing myself (especially
an evening) in my sweetheart’s arms,
whose pretty dukkys I trust shortly
to kiss.
Written by the hand of him that
was, is, and shall be yours by his own
will,
H.R.
You are such a flirt!
HG: You don’t have pretty dukkys for Henry VIII to kiss, unless Lorelei is right and you are a woman.
I can be anything I choose. Remember I’m a chameleon
HG:
“Remember I’m a chameleon”
Wrong member of reptile family:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=o7aShcmEksw
(Now I’m really dating myself.)
NA, “Christ on a crutch” 😂 I’ll be using this one.