The Pursuit of Revenge

THE PURSUIT OF REVENGE

I know you hate me. Your kind are filled with love and then filled with hate. There is no need to deny it. It is a normal reaction for someone like you and one which I entirely endorse and encourage. I know you will try and mask that burning anger that you feel by saying you pity me or that you have nothing but contempt for me but I can see it. Those sensational eyes of yours that once blazed with desire, passion and most of all hope, are now filled with the churning, billowing flames of hatred. Some of you will fight to contain this sensation. You fear that by giving in to this hatred that you will somehow be on a level with me. I can ease your fears in that regard. You are nowhere near my level and nor were you. I placed you far higher than me to begin with. Yes it was artificial and all part of my design but you had no complaint then did you? You did not object or demur when I thrust you skywards and planted you no that pedestal. Of course you did not. Who would? Nobody would and least of all somebody like you. Now you are on your true level, way down below me, cast onto stony ground, broken and shattered. Amazing though isn’t it how you managed to summon such an anger from somewhere. How many times had you said to your confidantes that you felt numb (yes they were reporting back to me). Yet now look at you. A seething, glowering fireball of hatred and it is all directed at me. I adore this.

You want to destroy me. I know you do. You all do. The one before you was exactly the same as the one before was and the one before her. The next one will be just the same,although I do still hold out some hope that she might just be different and somehow avoid the mistakes all those who have gone before have made. I have seen this hatred many times and your desire for revenge is strong. Of course it is. I made it this way. Everything I did as I brought you down low was programmed to cause you to eventually explode into hatred. From elation to despair, through broken to numb. Eventually the switch would be flicked and as puppet master I ignite the fire beneath you which stokes the flames of hatred. Despise me, go on, do it. Send those wicked words towards me. Tell me what a bastard I am. Keep it coming. Pull you hair, wave your fist and stamp your feet. Tell me how you are going to scratch my car. Feels good does it not? Believe me, it feels even better being on the receiving end of your bile and hate. Go on, sit with your friends and plot your revenge, I can feel you all huddled around your cauldron as you try and concoct ways at getting back at me. I feel so powerful knowing you are focussed on seeking retribution. This is what I want. I want to bask in the heat of your anger, I want to be covered in the disgust and distaste that you will spew towards me. I want you scheming, hatching and planning. By hurting you do deeply I plant inside you that overwhelming desire to get even with me. It happens every time and is all part of my master plan to ensure you, my beautiful appliance keep pouring fuel in my direction. I make you seek revenge for in doing so, your planning and ham-fisted execution of the same give me what I want. Fuel. You are blinded with your hatred so that you fail to realise you will not succeed in gaining revenge, not by shouting, spitting and scratching. Oh no, this overload of howling anger is just a banshee of fuel to me. I will twist and shift as I thwart your attempts, laughing at your pathetic efforts to try and get one over on me. This will spur you on as I lead you on yet another merry dance as I continue to take from you exactly what I need. So please, seek your revenge. You will not get it but I will be delighted seeing you try.

42 thoughts on “The Pursuit of Revenge

  1. BL says:

    There is no point in revenge. The narcissist’s motto: love me, hate me, just don’t ignore me. All revenge accomplishes is letting the narcissist know they’ve gotten under your skin. Yes, you might inconvenience them with your immediate actions, but you are also giving them their beloved fuel, and you will feel no better in the end. It doesn’t cure the hurt. Let karma do its work and direct your energy onto yourself where it belongs.

  2. Jamie Napier says:

    Oh my goodness!! I found myself laughing as I read the status pillar!! I could see the reactions playout.

  3. WokeAF says:

    I never did hate any of my narcs , perhaps that is bc I was never living with either one since babydaddy , and he’s the only one I had resentment at , all centered around the kids

    I’m sure if I had been IPPS cohabitating I’d have hated one of the recent narcs eventually

    Or maybe not?! Is it possible certain types of empath don’t experience hate? I can’t think of anyone I hate now that I reflect on it- and can’t think of anyone I EVER hated – but I SEE the emotion “hate” in others so I know it exists. (HAHA HG wow I wonder if that’s how you see “love”)

  4. Ju says:

    You are weird for needing approval from others to feel good about yourself that really scares me! If I find I like something too much I distance myself from it hence I have no addictions, I rely on nothing and no one, yet I love people and interact with them well. Hg you are not balanced I run away from people like you, I find you insane. I have no energy not even contempt for your kind. I can fix no one but myself but I do try to influence people somewhat but the choice is ultimately theirs.

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Ju
      Curious. What brought you here if you are balanced and aware?

    2. Violetta says:

      Ju: a human who doesn’t need approval from others is most dangerous of all. Kids usually start out wanting the parents’ or teachers’ praise, dancers and athletes want the ballet-master or the coach to tell them they’ve done well, high-schoolers want to be popular (or at least, not bullied). Celebrities may take this to extremes by wanting the whole world to.adore them, but it’s actually essential (in moderation) to socializing us.

      Humans who can’t get approval in any form either grow up to seek it all their lives in some compensatory form or become Mass Murderers.

      Hitler did both.

    3. lisk says:

      How do you know when you “like something too much?”

      What does that even mean?

  5. Dorion says:

    I just read through some other threads where this Revenge article was posted previously, and really like how people tend to react to it, taking the high road. It shows how people with high level of emotional intelligence and empathy take a healthier approach.

    I had a strong desire for revenge with my narc therapist in the past and did engage in some of those things you discuss in your Revenge book, HG (before reading the book, so it was interesting to see the suggestions). I personally didn’t find it satisfying though, it was more disturbing because I felt I turned into a malicious narc myself. The part that did work and was a win on every front is working on myself, resolving my problems, and making the improved version known to him. Making it clear that what he did as a “professional service” was useless and I didn’t need him at all.

    Speaking of anger, that therapist had anger and narcissistic needs in the center of his professional philosophy. He believes that the origin of most mental health issues is that people are not allowed to express their anger and frustration early in life because they are over-controlled / suppressed by parents and others in the environment, and the road to healing is expressing all that resentment and rage in the form of transference to the therapist. That the root of emotional maladies is narcissistic needs not being met in childhood and that he can provide that to his clients. I find all that quite interesting and certainly applicable to many people, but also a form of avoiding responsibility, blaming others for his wrongdoing and the anger he ignited, and it wasn’t relevant to me as I don’t have that history. But he even tried to rewrite my history for me. It was totally ridiculous. You might think whoever works that way should be aware of their own narcissism, but he wasn’t or only very marginally, which amazed me really. I figured him out quite well by the end, except one thing. By myself, I could never understand why he loves to make clients angry and claims it is the real progress in therapy… I really don’t think so, not for someone like me. But I didn’t know about the concept of negative fuel back then and learning it on this blog has finally put the last piece of the puzzle in the picture. I still don’t understand the emotional appeal because, for me, enjoying to be hated and seeing others in despair and turmoil is alien… but I get it cognitively now and just accept it’s one of those things narcs have that I will likely never experience. Anyway, so he collects double gain with that practice: the fee and his negative fuel. Well, not from me as once that hate game started, I stopped seeing him. Of course, he interpreted that as my mistake and resistance to “good therapy”.

    The one thing I did find satisfying is seeing my ex therapist making a fool of himself. It was mentioned on another thread before that many mid-rangers will take themselves down and don’t even realize, and I think he does that. My maneuvers were not even needed!

    1. lisk says:

      In my case, being No Contact and not engaged means not caring whether “the improved version” is known to anyone.

    2. Dorion says:

      Lisk,

      That is probably the healthiest. In my case, it was only relevant because the narc was a therapist I paid to maybe help with self-improvement. He was mostly useless in that role and even made it worse sometimes, including claiming that if I quit seeing him, I would get worse and repeat the same frustrations. Never happened. That’s why it felt rewarding to show that my problems were resolved, but I only did that from a distance, never engaged directly during that time. The part I really regretted was going back to “discuss” after the first time I quit seeing them, he kept contacting me and convinced to go back to discuss what went wrong between us and in my therapy. That was also totally useless and just initiated a worse round of fights. The revenge attempts came after those but I never saw him again. In retrospect, the most effective approach would have indeed been just No Contact after the first quitting and never look back, the rest was really mostly just wasted mental energy and time, but I didn’t have a complete understanding of how all that crap was driven by his narcissism, e.g. the negative fuel thing. When I made those revenge attempts, I played it pretty cold and minimalistic and he was the one who had explosive, ridiculous reactions to it. It was sort of scary witnessing that because I had never seen anyone reacting that way before, he was the first and only narc I’d ever approached that close. It was even puzzling for me how that could have happened, why I even saw him for a few months… he’s so not my level. I think I did because I was not at the best place mentally myself during that time and my judgment was quite impaired, plus he was my first therapist ever and I was really curious and wanted to make it work. I think the revenge was also not a psychologically healthy approach on my end, would never do it now.

      I know people who had much worse experiences with unethical psychotherapists and some of them sued/reported them and won, the therapist lost their license as a result. That sounds like a very successful revenge campaign to me, but it is a ton of energy and usually takes quite a long time to finish the process. Most often the ones that succeed had a sexual relationship with the therapist/psychiatrist that they could prove without doubt, and that is a huge violation, even illegal in some jurisdictions. I never had anything like that but I did briefly consider reporting mine because I had some evidence on my hands for his inappropriate and sloppy conduct, but not enough evidence to make an easy case, plus I saw how the guy handled when I challenged him and when others attacked him. I would have been made the crazy ex patient even in front of authorities. Just not worth my mental peace and I would have just felt degrading my own integrity with it. It is annoying to know that he just goes on and keeps well-meaning and vulnerable people under his spell and the disguise that he is helping them. I can easily see that his circle of fans have decreased quite a lot with time, simply because he is not smart enough to play it well, just repeats the same shallow, stupid things over and over. It is all very disgusting and boring.

  6. Brombles says:

    I am not emotionally driven. I am driven by a strong sense of justice and just a general pissed-off-ness that these people never get what they deserve (especially after my own run ins with narcs).. In this case, I want to make this woman squirm because she is clearly a lesser narc and an idiot who is persecuting my family member simply because she is in a position of power. Have you written about how to run a revenge campaign or do you mean I should book a consultation?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Your responses suggest your Emotional Thinking is rather high and you would be best served imposing no contact before considering any further steps. I recommend you organise to speak with me and I will help you, through consultation with regard to the issue of ET and also your desire to exact revenge.

      1. Brombles says:

        That’s interesting. I would say I rate “high” on three fronts – my intelligence, my emotional intelligence, and of course, my empathy. But I wouldn’t say I’m caught in emotional thinking as such. Ok, I’ll have a think about that. I have had some experiences with narcs in the past and I am amazed by how incredibly inventive they are in their tactics. I could never be able to dream up such tactics myself. I am highly, highly emotionally intelligent, to the point where I can read people very clearly through their micro expressions. I can spot psychopathology very quickly. Do you see this as a hindrance? I see it as my super power, in the same way as you might see narcissism as yours.

    2. lisk says:

      How is “general pissed-off-ness” NOT all about emotion?

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Correct.

  7. Brombles says:

    Interesting that you posted about this today HG. I’ve been thinking about taking revenge over the last few days and being an empath, i don’t know how to do it. I thought about keying the car. In this situation, I am not caught in the narc’s web. The narc does not even know who I am, but she has targeted a family member. I want to find a way of getting at her as a distant and uninvolved party. What revenge tactics can I use? How do I do this? It is not true that narcs are invincible. I should be able to make her life quite hard if I really want to.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. Your first task is to assess your level of ET through discussion with me. If it is too high, your plans are ill-conceived and doomed to failure.
      2. If ET has been reduced to de minimis, then the revenge campaign as established in my work, may begin.

      1. Brombles says:

        I am not emotionally driven. I am driven by a strong sense of justice and just a general pissed-off-ness that these people never get what they deserve (especially after my own run ins with narcs).. In this case, I want to make this woman squirm because she is clearly a lesser narc and an idiot who is persecuting my family member simply because she is in a position of power. Have you written about how to run a revenge campaign or do you mean I should book a consultation?

    2. Lorelei says:

      Brombles—I think revenge is a really slippery slope of engagement. HG has said this in many ways I believe. The best reconciliation for me is that life isn’t fair. And maybe that works out in my favor of misdeeds too. Just be cautious.

      1. Brombles says:

        Thanks Lorelei. Yes I understand what you’re saying. Part of me thinks that’s a typical empath way of thinking and that’s what allows us to keep being victims. Where does the slippery slope lead to? Is there a slope at all?

        1. Lorelei says:

          The slippery slope is any engagement whatsoever.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Correct. Logic. Right there.

          2. Brombles says:

            So what you’re saying is, never take revenge ever. I’m not engaged in this person. She’s never met me. She doesn’t know I exist. I only just learnt of her existence. That’s why I think I have a good chance of getting at her. But okay, you’re the second person today that said peace is better than war. That is true from my experience too.

          3. HG Tudor says:

            The problem with revenge campaigns is that they involve individuals who are driven by emotional thinking rather than logic. If you execute a jewellery heist against a high-end jewellers that you have no connection with, you are less driven by any emotional involvement and thus ET – you are doing it for a cold, hard reason of financial gain. If you are looking to knock off the jewellers owned by someone who stole your girlfriend, this is revenge and the financial gain is actually incidental to the emotion driving you and that means you are more likely to be governed by ET and make mistakes.

            Similar situation “it is not the money, it is the principle. ” That is emotional thinking.

            Revenge can be taken BUT must only be done when ET is very low that means either
            1. No emotional involvement at all (see my example above) , or
            2. Reduced emotional involvement occasioned by a sustained period away from the individual generating the ET, i.e. 6 months of no contact.

            To ascertain your level of ET (and you cannot do it successfully yourself because you are not objective and removed) I need more information from you, hence the suggestion of a consultation.

          4. Lorelei says:

            Not saying that. Let’s put it this way. If I were on a cliff and no one was around and a few people were with me.. Enough said. Got it? Seize opportunities when they randomly present but don’t create them. The planning involved increases ET.

    3. Violetta says:

      Bottling is so much better than keying, especially if you only do 3 wheels, but don’t do that or anything else before consulting HG.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Correct.

  8. Caity says:

    singasongy:
    I can relate in a way, but although I didn’t completely believe the compliments, and often they made me feel uncomfortable, it was the act of giving them, that got me. He didn’t overwhelm me (not the last one, at least) but the first one did, and yes it could be annoying. But first and last and all narcs in between, when it stops, you *miss* it, even if it aggravated you before. That’s the point. Narcissists during the golden period *notice* you, whether you believe it completely or not, and it’s when they *stop* noticing that leaves the void, that makes you devalue yourself as much as they are devaluing you, and insidiously, brings you back to them so many times when they hoover you—because they are ‘noticing’ you again.

    1. singasongy says:

      @Caity, yes, I can totally see that. I guess I would notice that as well. I do notice it with everyone in my life. Not the compliments but if they stop noticing me or rather including me, I feel it deeply…it is an indication that my mother was right, no one likes me. So thanks for putting it in a different perspective! And yeah, I am sure the narc also enjoys watching one squirm when they are clearly uncomfortable with compliments.

  9. BonnieLou says:

    I never spoke one word in anger to mine. I always maintained a calm and dignified stance, even when he gave me a silent treatment and then sent a tirade of vicious name calling by text (I never called him any nasty names in response to any of his nasty actions during our 2 year relationship). The only time I let this guard down was when he deleted me from WattsApp on my Birthday. I just text his mobile the next day saying “I cant believe how spiteful and nasty you have turned, I’ve a good mind to report you to the ******** manager” (I left out the name of the hotel he worked at for privacy reasons on here). He came back with an essay of apologies!. Then when he overstepped the mark again six months later and I found out he had been cheating on me and about to cheat on her with another, I did get him sacked! He tried to speak, message and voicemail me the night he got dismissed but I ignored every effort from him to try to talk to me and have not spoken to him since. He is definitely a Mid Ranger so how would he have perceived my lack of angry emotion HG?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. Your text did contain fuel, albeit it not a large amount. It amounted to Challenge Fuel (please see this https://narcsite.com/3-key-interactions/)

      2. By causing his sacking, you wounded him. (please see https://narcsite.com/3-key-interactions/)

      1. Lorelei says:

        My ex told me they would be staying in a gated community near the ocean soon via email. Would it be challenge fuel to ask if it’s a chain link fence?!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Yes, it would.

          1. Lorelei says:

            But HG—it’s a reasonable inquiry because how can he take that pie eyed beast to a gated community?! I do think I’ve made some progress though in shifting the thoughts I once had, and reprogramming the scenario to my benefit.. For so long I was embarrassed that someone I had been married to could actually be so ridiculous, but now I want him to languish in his instinct driven shenanigans because I get whatever I want from anyone dealing with me and the children. They take one look, I don’t have to say a word. Not one word. You don’t have to say anything. He is so far out there that even a prison full of felons would say, “WTF!”

  10. Minky says:

    I brought the revenge book, very good reading but I will pass on wanting to get any revenge. I did explode but wanting revenge feels like he has won and he has rented way too much space in my head as it is. I was hoovered after 30 years by an ex I always thought was the love of my life. yeah, bigger fool me. Had a few small hoovers over the years but didn’t know what they were then. I grew up with a narcissistic mother and was the scapagoat so the love bombing bothered me but I couldn’t put my finger on what was wrong at the time. I hit out verbally in anger when I realised what he is and what he was doing, that was while in the devaluing stage and I then spent a week thinking am I the narcissist. Already had a malign hoover but I must have hit a nerve and am currently in the silent treatment/disengagement phase. This has given me time to go full NC and the space to get my head together. You have been a massive help HG. Thank you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are most welcome Minky, with Revenge it is sometimes useful just to read it, to be entertained by it and to realise, “No, I do not want to do that.” That is an injection of logic in itself.

  11. singasongy says:

    “Yes it was artificial and all part of my design but you had no complaint then did you? You did not object or demur when I thrust you skywards and planted you no that pedestal”

    You are wrong about this. I always complained and squirmed and denied and begged to just stop with the compliments. I ignored them always and rolled my eyes and knew that they were fake. I hated them because I know the truth about myself and never fell for it. Now did I want to be that person, yes, absolutely, but I never believed I was that person. Not even for a second. Perhaps, that was the fun for YOU.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, I am not wrong. Remember, not every narcissist behaves in the same way and therefore some of the articles will not always apply.

      1. singasongy says:

        so do you only pick those that enjoyed the pedestal position? The quote came across as a generalization of all victims and I was pointing out that it didn’t apply to myself. Unless I’m missing a deeper meaning.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Narcissists idealise and place people on pedestals. The height of the pedestal accords with the position in the fuel matrix.

      2. singasongy says:

        Furthermore, I have never heard to many compliments about myself in my life in such a short period. So in this instance, it is the same as your love-bombing. I mean I could fart and it would be the most magical fart on the planet….I know this to be fake and always did. The word pedestal also is the word used all the time.

    2. Violetta says:

      I love you, I hate you, I’m on the fence, it all depends
      Whether I’m up or down, I’m on the mend, transcending all reality
      I like you, despise you, admire you
      What are we gonna do when everything all falls through?
      I must confess, I’ve made a mess of what should be a small success
      But I digress, at least I’ve tried my very best, I guess
      This, that, the other, why even bother?
      It won’t be with me on my deathbed, but I’ll still be in your head
      Put me on a pedestal and I’ll only disappoint you
      Tell me I’m exceptional, I promise to exploit you
      Give me all your money, and I’ll make some origami, honey
      I think you’re a joke, but I don’t find you very funny

      “Pedestrian at Best” – Courtney Barnett

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