Shut Up!
I think I have said enough. I wish you would think the same. You have never shut up asking me about my day at work as I try to watch the sport on television. On and on you have gone asking question after question. It makes me wonder why you are so bloody interested. Fishing for something are you? Trying to catch me out? You won’t do that. I am cleverer than you. Much cleverer. What I do at work is nothing to do with you and you won’t find out about my plans there until such time as I decide that you should know. And it isn’t time, so I wish you would just be quiet and let me watch this game. You keep on going, talking over my television viewing which tells me that you regard my viewing experience as unimportant and that tells me you obviously think I am not important and you really ought to know by now that I am important. I hate you doing this. I can feel the burning from your selfish and treacherous action and it is paining me, but I know what to do. I know how to stop this pain and believe me I am going to do it and do it now.
You never know when to shut up do you? I suppose you think you are being pleasant asking me how my day has been, but you don’t care, you just do it for the sake of appearances, to make you look good, the caring and interested partner. I know your game. I have you worked out, you are a fraud. Yap, yap, yap,like some irritating puppy around my ankles, on and on you go. Just shut up will you? I cannot concentrate with your wasp like buzzing around me.
“How is the new recruit getting on?”
“How is the project developing?”
“Where did you go for that business lunch? Was it good? What did you have to eat? Who was it with?”
Just shut up. No, you are still chattering away. I don’t think you are even waiting for an answer are you? Just asking questions to seem like you are involving me in the conversation when all you are doing is engaging in another of your pointless and egotistical monologues. Do you know how boring you sound? If I wasn’t trying to concentrate on this match I think I would slip into a coma listening to you drone on with your worthless opinions and your anodyne observations.
Just shut up. No? Very well. I will. No, I am not saying anything. I am not even going to nod, shake my head or make an affirmative grunt. Nothing. A total silence.
My goodness me, you have stopped. Perhaps you have remembered that you need to breathe? Ah, excellent you have noticed that I no longer appear to be listening. Believe me, I am listening and I am doing so with considerable attentiveness, because I need to listen to what is coming my way. Let me guess, I think you will lead with “are you listening to me?” any second now and yes, there it is as predicted. I am not going to answer. Go on, repeat the question and true to form you do so. Now I have your attention haven’t I? I can see you from the corner of my eye as I stare at the screen pretending that the figures running around with the ball are more interesting than you. They are not because what you are starting to do is what I am interested in. I can see you leaning forward, trying to catch my eye. I know you are there but I am not going to acknowledge you. Sometimes you throw something towards me to get my attention, usually a cushion. It is not a nasty action,not like when I throw things at you. That reminds me, I must replace that coffee mug which I hurled at you. You were light on your toes that day as it sailed past and smashed against the wall. Anyway, that was last week and this is now and I can hear you asking the question a third time. Will it be the cushion? No, you have chosen to stand up instead. Gosh, you must be looking to assert some authority from the get go.
“I am talking to you.”
I know that you are but I am not answering you but already I can hear the mounting irritation in your voice and already I can feel the flames rising inside of me as they burn away the cold, harsh iciness of your criticism. That pain is already receding.
“Will you answer me please?”
No I will not. I have to turn my head so you do not see my smirk at your attempt to be commanding. It amuses me. I can see your hands move to your hips and I half expect you to stamp the ground with your foot.
“What’s the matter? Why won’t you answer me?”
The voice rises higher, signalling your anxiety and frustration and the flames continue to build inside of me. I maintain the stony faced expression, ink black eyes staring at the screen. I can see the movement on the television but it as if I am watching it from very far away as all that I am concentrating on now is your voice and the continuing delicious flaming sensation that is sweeping across me.
“Why are you not answering me?”
The questions have altered now haven’t they? A switch from your nosiness about my work to you now asking why I have fallen silent. You can keep asking and I know you will. You will go on for some time. You will storm out of the room trying to force a response from me, but your slammed door just keeps the flames burning. You will come back in. you always do. You will return contrite and apologising although you won’t know what you are trying to apologise for. Still, that won’t stop you going through a carousel of reasons in the hope of breaking my silence.
“Did I upset you?”
“Did I say something wrong?”
“Did I not listen to you?”
“Did I say something offensive?”
“Please, what did I do wrong?”
“Please will you just talk to me?”
“I hate this. I hate falling out. What is that I have done?”
Every time you ask these questions, the pain and concern in your voice keeps adding to the sense of power that I am feeling. The wound you created has long since closed and now I am savouring the growing power that courses through me. You have no idea what you are doing as you try, as you always do, to make things right. I will stay seated here, not even looking at you. You won’t try and stand in front of me whilst I am watching the television. You will not dare do that or switch it off. You remember what happened last time when you did that don’t you and I know you won’t be in a hurry to experience that again. I can sit and revel in my power over you and you just keep adding to it with your pitiful and plaintive questions. You will try to find out what is wrong, you will blame yourself next and start to apologise as you scramble to guess what it is that you have done wrong in the hope that you stumble on the right subject matter and make things right. But you will fail. Then you move on to trying to bribe me into speaking to you, suggesting we go out, or my friends come round for drinks tomorrow night or that you will cook me something special. Keep at it, I won’t respond. I will not even look at you. You are completely invisible to me as far as you are concerned.
I wonder how long I will maintain this silence with you? You haven’t worked out what to do yet, I am pleased to say. You keep on asking, pestering and questioning, driven by your own anxiety that causes you to want to ascertain what has happened and make things right. This means you might break off for half an hour but then you resume, trying a different tack. If all you knew you had to so was do exactly what I am doing and it would stop. Go silent and get on with what you want to do and I will start speaking to you and acknowledging you once again as I consider a different manipulation to use against you to gather my precious fuel. Fortunately, your empathic nature which means you want to understand and you want to fix and heal, will make you hang in there and all the while you provide me with fuel and power me. So long as you do so, so long the silence will continue.
Beat the narcissist and avoid the above scenario
The Virtues of Keeping Your Mouth Shut
146 thoughts on “Shut Up!”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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See that big black fucking cloud over Canada? Yeah that’s me in SuperNova. I’ve come to the end of my ability, tolerance, and inclination to purchase something and then be faced yet again with having to create more accounts and passwords and STILL not be able to access the information I paid for. I’m with Jess – it’s not about the money. It’s about jumping through hoops and being annoyed. I know I’m old, fucked, and out of patience – that’s on me, but I can’t imagine navigating this shit if I were embroiled in a narc situation currently and trying to get information. Gumroad can fucking chew me.
I’m going back to my stone tablet and the tech world can fuck off. It was fun while it lasted.
Easy Tiger.
1. Most people have utilised the platform without problems although it is inevitable some issues will arise.
2. The products are still available in the blog menu, albeit where there is a discount, that option is not feasible.
2. When you do have problems, just email me and there is always a work around. Given such problems are small in number it means I am able to invoice you at the discounted rate through PayPal and once the invoice has been settled I will email you the products in the old styleee.
HG
The frustration and problems are not with the processes you choose for your business, but completely at my end. It’s cumulative. The gremlins in WordPress causing no notifications and the ever present loading…, going through the steps required to download a purchase (get app and create yet another bloody password) only to not have it appear, lack of patience, etc. Not your fault (obviously, and as we have learned – even if they were they aren’t). It’s all me and I realize that. This little toaster (me) is still operating, but sometimes it malfunctions, and yesterday I burnt the fucking toast.
I apologize for the rant. I was pissed with myself only and didn’t allow for cooling off before reacting. And now for a little blame-shifting: Did I mention that I had just returned from having to see my mother and I wanted the download for a distraction from that?
Again, I apologize and thank you for your willingness to find a solution and for your patience.
NA
No need to apologise, the feedback is useful as part of ensuring the provision of the world’s best information to you all and if the method of delivery requires review, then so be it.
NA—you either had a drink or cigarette since your last comment on the matter!
NA,
Does somebody need a hug?🤗 You’re only human (despite the Catwoman mask), and – believe me – we all face frustrations at times, so not to worry.😉 I agree, this ever-evolving tech stuff can be a pain in the ass. My most recent problem on this site was an entire post of comments disappearing…I thought it was just me, but SMH confirmed it happened…
Today, like magic, the comments are all back. Must have been MB, riding around on her unicorn & sprinkling glitter around.🦄
May your tech issues resolve, NA, one way or another…I guess where would we be without some of this technology, but may we have the patience/strength to work around the ensuing (crappy) glitches, ugh.😛
#TechRunningAmuckCanSuck
NA
I had the same issue with gumroad two days ago. It had me set up an account like it did not know me, then told me I can’t set up one because my adress is already taken (tell me about it).
Contemplated throwing the phone out the window then going to the river so I may scream underwater.
Proceeded to buy it in incognito mode with just my Paypal and listened through email which worked. Went to gumroad right now to check, I am logged into my account with all my purchases waiting patiently in the library. I don’t even know what to say about that, but what I will say is I get your frustration.
If you like, I could take your mother with me for a while, take her to some nice activites….how long do you think could she hold her breath?
Desirée:
If you have a highway overpass with a pedestrian walkway, you can scream into traffic. I did that when I had an audition for Sweeney and wanted to practice “Green Finch and Linnet Bird” without having the neighbors call 911.
Desiree
Haha. Thank you but no need. Her walker collapsed and I had to go buy her a new one, assemble, and deliver it. This after I previously pointed out a stress crack in the old one (that she dismissed as she assumed it was a reference to her weight. It was). The digs were subtle at first and I ignored them, but as it went on I allowed my emotional thinking to take over and lets just say that it ended with me telling her that if she didn’t shut her trap I would kick the fucking thing out from under her and she could “carpet surf” for the rest of her days. Then I returned home to face my inability to exercise patience with what I expected (WhoCares was exactly right about that) should have been a simple task.
Straw
Camel
Kaboom!
It’s very seldom I demonstrate anger (resulting from my childhood) and it doesn’t last (although I never forget) so I knew better to wait it out than react as I did.
In a weird aside:
I have always wondered if I could scream if needed.
Violetta
I read your comment and seriously considered driving out on the Autobahn, find a parking spot and just start screaming into the wind until I feel better. Then I realised that there’s no way in hell I would not be reported eventually, it would be embarrassing and I might get put on the record. A shame, the idea of you practicing Green Finch and Linnet Bird under such circumstanes is quite amusing.
It’s safer for me to take my musings underwater. There’s plenty of it available in my area and it’s all good so long as you’re capable enough not to drown. Your corpse would get washed up on the shores of another country and that’s pathetic.
Desirée:
Isn’t it a bit cold for that?
You could always tell the police you were preparing for an audition, but where you are, that might not go over as well as it would in Queens, where struggling actors are no novelty. (As it happened, nobody asked.)
NarcAngel,
I commiserate. Over the years I have had issues with PayPal, (not related to HG) and have particular gripe with it – it makes my blood boil – I have gone no contact with it.
I’d rather walk on foot through a Canadian blizzard to the bank and then to the corner store to get a gift credit card, *giving* extra funds to which ever company provides the card and then walk back home, than deal with PayPal.
Old school is just so much better in some ways. We develop the expectation that technology should work, with EASE, to get what we want…my mind just wants to shut down when it comes to multiple the technical hurdles to spending or giving my money to someone/something – it’s like, jesus, just TAKE the money already!
On the other hand, in my experience, HG is very approachable, helpful and professional about assisting me with my issues in the past on this subject.
It doesn’t help that it is SO easy when it does work. I practically giggled at the ease with which I used Gumroad and instantly received a couple of the discounted offerings from HG. *THAT’S* the problem; when the expectation of ease is disrupted.
Valid points.
NA, I am sorry you are experiencing some stress related to your mother and the scenario you wrote about that precipitated the gumroad frustration.
NA
“I have always wondered if I could scream if needed”
I remember you writing about that once and it made me wonder what cadre you might be, you always seem so calm and in control and I admire that. Do you feel like your “outburst” with your mother (which I totally understand and the “carpet surfing” image is so funny to me I am still laughing) has confirmed that you could scream if pushed?
I would be interested to know because my own tendencies run more towards the impatient and irritable. While I manage to keep things under wraps, I can be so incredibly prickly and bitchy, it’s all boiling barely beneath the surface. I would never want to be obscene or have someone know they got the better of me (I think there’s some german stiffness mixed in with that as well, ones cultural background does have great influence).
However, there were two times when I finally lost it. It found it liberating to realize that after all they did I still had that fire in me, so I fully embraced it.
But then I got so hateful and furious that the narcs in question (my UMRN mother and once my UMRN boyfriend) appared startled, like they were scrambling to regain control. Both of them tried to backpaddle from what they had said and I just kept going like a complete maniac. I would have burned the house down, I would have murdered, I would have died for revenge. I did escape both of them shortly thereafter and it hasn’t happened since.
Yet those memories are still kind of fresh in my mind and I am not sure how I feel about it in the end.
Hi Desiree
I am generally calm and in control. I learned as a child to be seen and not heard unless otherwise specified (and then I’d better be quick). I held everything in and tried my best to appear neutral as not to provoke. I’m an observer. Even now, I usually offer only a closed mouth smile when others are laughing out loud. I gave a very weak attempt to scream once while out in a field. It came out as more a strangled cry (and not very loud) such was my fear that someone would hear me. The loudest I ever yelled was once when I was young. He was beating my mother and I thought for sure this was the night she would die. I put the younger kids in the closet and went to the top of the stairs. The sound left my body but I could not feel it. It was like it was someone else was making the noise and even then it was not very loud. Loud enough for them to hear though. It stopped everything and the focus shifted. I heard him say: that better not be who I think it is. A new fear was borne of my making noise but in a weird way I felt better. That I was more in control having it focused on me.
Yesterday with my mother it was a quiet but lengthy and nasty rant. Not loud but a lot spilling out that had been contained. She refers to me as menacing when I’m like that but I still don’t think I could scream. Its as you described: boiling under the surface and building. It starts as heat in my stomach and I have referred to it as the dragon. Then upon returning home I knew that I was not nearly empty after being with her. That it had just raised more memories and pressure was still building. I looked to contain it and look for distraction. I should not have picked anything electronic as that is not my wheelhouseI. I turned my venom towards myself in feeling incapable and I lashed out. It was after that I realized what my anger was really about.
When HG assessed me as S.E it was long ago and a different process (before the Empath Detector) and I did not investigate the cadres. I suspect through reading that I have some Saviour and possibly Carrier but that’s just my guess. I’d bet money I’m not Contagion or Geyser haha.
I would say that if losing it (in whatever form that took) got you out of the situation then you should embrace that you have it in you if needed. You don’t use it to provoke but it’s there for your own protection. That’s what separates our behaviour in those incidences from abusers (at least to my mind).
Do you scream under water as you suggested to V? That’s interesting. Never thought of it.
I can’t get everything to populate in the gumroad library so I’m pissy too. I click download via my email where I had it sent & it plays rather than lives in a library. Two things have successfully gone to the gumroad library for
later access but the rest doesn’t want to live there like it does in drive. Why won’t it just go live there?! Do I have to save these emails forever?
Lorelei:
Now that’s an issue to which I would seriously object. Technically, I could add another mail folder just for NarcLore, but what if I want to read/listen to something and don’t want to go online or I have a bad connection?
I like google drive!
Violetta,
You can save your files in Google Drive for “offline” viewing or listening, therefore no issue with bad connection etc…
WhoCares:
Thx.
No problem, Violetta.
Thank you NarcAngel
I love a good rant!
K
Haha. Then you would have loved the show at my Mother’s. Emotional thinking won out and I lost my shit.
NA:
Don’t blame yourself for being provoked. They are experts.
NarcAngel
Oh, to be a fly on the wall! There’s nothing like a good shit show to get the blood flowing; it beats caffeine any day.
NA,
This came at a perfect time. I can understand your rant after your frustrations with your mom.
I’m old school too. Dealing with technology that I’m not familiar with can sometimes take forever, and I may or may not figure it out. My husband was always the tech. guy and he would get frustrated with me and just take over, even if I didn’t ask him too. I think he liked keeping me in this state of ignorance though. I realized years later that he kept track of everything I did through technology. He even watched my history on my web browser. The only social media I used was Pintrest and I used to be completely oblivious to anyone on there. Just persuing my interests. Wasn’t even on Facebook. When we separated I had never even used a debit card or been through a self checkout. Hahaha
We need a Tech. class at Tudor university!
Now for this weekend……time to figure out how to do these detectors!
NA, I understand your frustration, rage against the machine! I feel like the idiot that can never get anything the usual way like everyone else. The only difference is that I have a looooooooooot of patience although last night I was about to burn the fucking gift card and do vodoo on the girl who sold it to me. There’s always a way around, and it will all resolve when you least expect it. I lost the ability to “like” comments and that got me pissed off, but I didn’t do anything, just shook it off. I can like comments again. I don’t receive notifications as of two weeks ago though, so I am stalking every single thread to find out if someone commented back. It’s annoying, but not worth having a heart attack for. You are not alone, my friend! It’s not you, it’s “THEM.”
Sweet P:
And now we do what they told us, now we’re under control
I agree with the protests, though I haven’t dealt with it myself yet. HG gets to tell me what to do; GumDisease doesn’t.
Violetta, I’m a persistent Taurus. Waiting patiently to get what I want when it is the time. Word Press, PayPal, Gum Disease (he he) can bother me but won’t break me! Bulls on parade! Bulls on parade!
NA, I’m sorry to hear about your Super frustration! You do not need an app to access Gumroad. You can visit directly through the URL gumroad.com/hgtudor. There you can follow HG and create an account if you so choose, but this is not required (it will create a nice knowledge base for future use though).
As for payments, I have encountered problems in using pre-existing gift cards from PayPal. This is a Gumroad issue with PayPal. This is due to the fact that PayPal payments are effected immediately and Gumroad and PayPal must establish agreement as to their payment between each other and the enduser. (I know, I know, but bear with me). So, once you buy a new gift card, that is the best time to establish your payment with Gumroad. From that point forward you should be okay. This is not elegant, but it is not too bad either. I have contacted Gumroad to try and resolve these issues. I have not yet received a reply.
Very sorry to hear about your mom situation. I know how frustrating that can be. I hope you are feeling far better today and that you find some time to do something relaxing just for you today, or at least this weekend.
Hi NA, I don’t know if this will help but it might. After purchasing the file I open my email. You should have a confirmation email with the file. Click download then go you your device’s download folder (if you can’t find the folder use the search bar). Your file should be there and you can move it wherever you want. I didn’t have to create a gumroad account or down load the app.
NA, reading your comments here gave me some insights into understanding you more as an individual. I respect your style of writing. I loved the “carpet-surf”, brilliant!
Thank you,HG. My mother would recite a poem for me, The wise old owl sat on the oak, the more she saw, the less she spoke, the less she spoke, the more she heard, why can’t we all be like this wise old bird? Mildred, you are not a wise bird.Some of us have not seen this before.
Christine/Philly:
I enjoyed the wise old owl poem. I have never heard that before. I will remember it and tell my nieces.
When I inform victims of a narcissist or psychopath about this website and the consultations they are always too scared to visit the site. If Mr Tudor was my neighbour or living nearby maybe I too would be afraid to contact him (being a narcissist/psychopath).
But since he lives in the UK and thus far away… It’s a pity that these people, who really suffered under the attacks of a narcissist or psychopath (one was even raped, physically attackt and robbed of a lot of money), are too afraid to ask Mr. Tudor (being a narcissist/psychopath himself) for advice.
Then they are failing to apply logic, ATE, what do they think I will do, reach through their screen and throttle them?
The people who express fear of a narcissist giving information online don’t really want to face the truth of the situation they’re in offline, so they use it as a convenient excuse. I mean you can stop reading anytime so it’s irrational and ridiculous. They want to keep feeding the addiction. But you still give the website because when they have had enough for the 100th time – they might just stop lying to themselves and have a look.
Wise words. As usual.
I refer people on a newsite to a relevant article about Trump or Meghan Markle, I get up-arrows (sometimes several hundred) and quite frequently, replies thanking me, saying the analysis was spot-on.
I try telling a friend suffering Narcissistic abuse about this site, I can hear the shudders over the phone.
I think I will switch my approach and refer friends to the celebrity articles, or to articles that can be applied to celebrities, such as the “Dropping the Narc Bomb” (which beautifully explains why MM always pulls this crap at other people’s weddings or birthdays).
If my friends happen to apply what they read to people in their lives–the ex-husband who ruined Christmas, the girlfriend who walked out on a boyfriend in the performing arts right before opening night–well, that’s their call, isn’t it?
NA,
“when they have had enough for the 100th time” I resemble that remark. It takes a minute for some of us.
Mercy
Saying for 100th time the wasn’t meant to demean. Just an observation and hard fact for some.
NarcAngel, I didn’t take it as demeaning at all. It made me chuckle because I can relate. If fact it’s because of you and others here that had so much patience with me all 99 times that I didn’t get it, that I was able to put my shame aside and come back.
You can’t reach through screens and throttle people?
No. I do not need to, so I do not.
Ha ha , that would be their ET HG.
But while I say one prayer!
Aaaaakkkkhhhh….hrrrkkkkk…khkhkhkhh…
Oh, falsely, falsely murdered! A guiltless death I die.
Commend me to my kind lord.
Oh, farewell!
I suggest you stop smoking.
But you know I don’t like edibles.
I was Desdemona in a production of my university theatre, Violetta! People said I died very realistically.
If they said you died on stage SP, they may not have been so kind!
Sweetest,
Ignore HG😉 (he’s due an empath ST by now – have no amount of guilt about it). I have no doubt you died in a very touching, subtle, realistic (and awesome) way.🥰
Kiss ass.
HG,
Better to suck up to empaths than narcissists, eh – Your Highness?😘
Better to suck up to nobody CIF.
HG,
Well, good – then you should *know* I’m set for life!😛
#VikingsAreFiercelyIndependent
Ha ha.
Sweet P:
How in the hell do you play that scene? If you’ve been choked to death, you don’t have any famous last words. If she revived long enough to say anything, she didn’t die of oxygen deprivation, so what was it? Heart attack brought on by trauma? Stroke?
Shakespeare was a great writer, but not much of a forensic investigator.
They didn’t say I died on stage. They said I died very realistically. I regret not having pursued my acting career, I could have been in the Oscar awards by now, wearing a ridiculous dress.
Violetta, have you seen Stage Beauty? It’s a good example of how acting evolved to the naturalistic approach of the Method and such which of course, Shakespeare didn’t have in mind when he wrote that scene.
I have seen Stage Beauty and loved it.
The Earl of Rochester (played by Johnny Depp, as it happens) helps an actress improve her approach (as well as shagging her into next week, of course) in the movie Libertine. The only reason Rochester didn’t die of STDs is the alcohol killed him first.
Off topic HG but do you have any articles on narcissists and suicide attempts? Im struggling with this right now and i dont remember seeing anything written about this thx
See the book No Contact.
Hi HG… i know you say to walk away no contact but thats not what im asking. Im asking if youve written about narcissists who try to commit suicide? Thx
And that is not what I am answering, the topic of narcissists and suicide is addressed in No Contact, hence why I referred you to it.
Ok ty
Chihuahuamom Im sorry you are in the middle of that complex situation. Please, take care of yourself too, remember you’re an empath and prompt to let this affect you enormously both physically and mentally. 😘
Chihuahuamum,
Sorry this is something you are struggling with right now.
Hi whocares… ty for your kind words its been a highly emotional and stressful few days. I wont share details but this has been a very complex situation with the addition of npd.
I cant walk away and wont but at the same time need to protect myself.
Chihuahuamum,
I just don’t see you often reaching out here much for assistance, so I figured it must be serious.
“I cant walk away and wont but at the same time need to protect myself.”
Yes, please take care of yourself.
Hi whocares…im a pretty private person especially with traumatic situations. I have seeked help to deal with this. Its a difficult situation. Id never walk away from him especially just after this has happened but i also see how toxic it is and i dont know how this will unfold. He is in treatment right now and i wish him the best. I know that sounds crazy given hes a narcissist but i really hope it can turn his life around. Im not sayjng that for my benefit but for his. One thing i know is true and im having to accept is that was a pivotal moment and we cant go back. Life will be different now for both of us.
Ty for reaching out ❤
Chihuahuamum,
I understand, I am fairly private myself (though that might not be evidenced by some of my posts here). I tend to want to work through difficult and sensitive things through on my own. Thinking of you.
Chi,
Sorry to hear of this angst…sure wishing for a safe, peaceful resolution at present moment & for wisdom & peace within you, with your decision-making going forward.🌈
Hi caroline…ty for your kind words 🤗
You’re welcome, Chi…you take good care of yourself.💕
Do you know of cold therapy sam vaknin, I believe it can actually cure a narc if they have hit rock bottom
No, it cannot.
So cruel. Wouldn’t it be better to say “please can I watch my sports now as I am not in mood for talking right now”
And hand control to you? No.
Janna:
That’s a long speech. Anyone who says that could miss the announcers discussing an important play.
Of course, my motivations aren’t quite the same as a Narc’s. I wouldn’t want anyone talking to me during the game (except during commercial breaks), but yelling at the TV is permissible. Even required, if the ref makes a bad call.
‘My habit of being silent when displeased or, more exactly, the cold and scaly quality of my displeased silence, used to frighten Valeria out of her wits. She used to whimper and wail, saying “Ce qui me rend folle, c’est que je ne sais quoi tu penses quand tu es comme ça.” I tried being silent with Charlotte and she just chirped on, or chucked my silence under the chin. An astonishing woman! I would retire to my former room, now a regular “studio,” mumbling I had after all a learned opus to write, and cheerfully Charlotte went on beautifying the home, warbling on the telephone and writing letters.’
– Lolita
There was a book I read many years ago, that shed some light on inner passivity, it is called Phantom Of The Psyche by Peter Michaelson. Makes a lot of sense, from a psychological perspective, why having this characteristic would cause problems, especially in certain situations and with certain types of people. Especially if you grew up in a dysfunctional/ abusive home, where the “fawn” response had to be used to survive, and helped get through childhood, and then as an adult, having this overwhelming need “to be heard”, or to assert yourself because you don’t want to go back to having to do that.
However, I agree with the advice here. It’s like when there is a culture clash, doing the wrong thing, or what feels comfortable to you, might be the very thing that hurts you and puts you in danger. Like when someone from Mexico moves to Texas and pulls a machete to posture with during a traffic dispute like they would at home, and ends up getting himself shot. Or a “tell it like it is” American traveling to a face culture like Japan, and ends up offending people and coming off as obnoxious.
Similar in dealing with personality disordered people, you have to “learn the culture” so to speak, and how to be an observer, and not be showing your cards left and right. Silence, and the information gathering that you ideally do during this time, can really help you to extricate yourself out. There’s a tremendous amount of power in learning how to keep your emotions and thoughts close to you, and not sharing them with the wrong people. Also, nothing you say will have the same affect on your narc as when go silent and stop giving them attention. So I concur, learn how to shut the f*** up with people like this. Don’t give them anything to throw back at you later. Better yet, just leave them to it, and don’t talk to, or listen to them, at all. GOSO if you can.
Thank you H.G. I needed that post today. For most of my life I’ve known the power of silence and practiced it. I believe that it’s the only way to properly move on for yourself. Concentrating your energy on improving your own life will reap more benefits than your attempts to question others or get revenge. Walk away quietly.
I learned something important years ago from a narcissist that gave me a book to mock me. My unconscious reactions to his abuse made me look like I was negative. So, he gave me Norman Vincent Peale’s “Power of Positive Thinking”. It was an old book written in the late ’50’s. An avid reader, I chose to read it… even though he mocked me with it. And, I achieved such insight from it… reading the stories that let me see how much power that I could get from thinking positive.
What this has to do with you is what I learned from reading it through the years. I could read a chapter and learn something new from it… even though I had read it many times before. Our insights in life change daily and words can be much more significant at one time… when they were meaningless at another
Sometimes we do not realize their significance until we read them. Thank you HG for being so generous with so many of your words and knowledge. And congratulations on your success with the trip to the U.S.!
Sending my love and fuel to YOU H.G. If any narcissist deserves it, it’s you.
Continue to help me conserve my fuel for you… and not waste it on those lower and mid-rangers!
You are welcome.
How to Stop Hoovers is on sale today!!!
https://narcsite.com/2020/02/08/smells-like-victory-3/
Apologies for mispost–^^^ this was meant for Pale Horse.
Actually, I’m grateful HG recycles material, Mildred, and for several reasons: 1) after previously read and absorbed, sometimes I forget how correct it was and how it accurately reflected what I was going through, and then what I *went* through after breaking free from my Narc. 2) Rereading sometimes offers another ‘piece of the puzzle’ even long after I thought I’d solved and moved on. This is particularly satisfying, btw, because it solidifies *my* reality is correct and my narcissist’s was batshit crazy. 3) The comments after rereading often bring me further information as well as gratitude that I was correct to get out and stay out, and sometimes more gratitude that although what I went through was terrible, it could have been much worse. 4) Identifying a dear friend’s narcissist husband could *only* have happened because of HG’s articles and since her’s was a lesser and mine a mid-range, had I not had access to reposted articles regarding their unique differences, I could not have given them to her. Because of them, she is free and safe. That is *entirely* because of recognition of what she was dealing with and using tools given by HG to escape. In short, it was entirely because of HG that she has escaped what I and she were certain was a lethal outcome.
5) He makes me laugh, and sometimes one has to laugh at ones own stupidity before accepting the horror of a situation and then it becomes necessary to laugh in relief that one has survived well enough to look back, perhaps with a shake of the head, and laugh.
Mildred, perhaps your problem with the repost’s is not that he does it, but that in reading them you see a little too much of yourself exposed. And maybe the reflection is not that of a victim, but if an abuser. Only you would know for sure. Or, actually HG could sort that for you. May I suggest a consultation?
Never thought I would say this but I have been hoovered!
Pale Horse
The narcissistic relationship is forever. Malign or benign? Good to see you BTW!
Benign. She had me blocked on facebook for two-and-a-half years and all of a sudden I am getting alerts. She unblocked me and everything I was ever tagged in came up on my page because she never deleted them from her account. So, I blocked her. I assume she still lives about 1000 miles from me. Must have entered the sixth sphere. Don’t know. Don’t care. Just another example of someone that never thought they would get hoovered and did. Although I’m not certain it qualifies as a hoover.
I wonder if there’s such a thing as an Oblivious or Inadvertent Hoover.
HG, what say you?
Many hoovers would be as such because most narcissists do not realise they are hoovering.
Clarification appreciated, HG!
You are welcome.
Hello Pale Horse,
Yes, I think you must have entered the 6th sphere. They will hoover you 2, 5, 10, 20, 30…(!) years later if they had a hoover trigger and the HEC is met. She knew about your FB account and you had not blocked her.
Narcissists do not feel uncomfortable about contacting a source of supply they had abused and disengaged from. No shame, no remorse. They will be nice to you as if nothing had happened. Social norms do not apply to them.
When you change your social media account, telephone number, email, please block them, even if they do not know about it – yet! If they want to hoover you, they will successfully manipulate other people into disclosing your personal details. If you have blocked them beforehand, they The narcissist may also find another ways to contact you but you can reduce the risk considerably if you follow HG’s advice. I have purchased Future Protection. It is very good.
Pale Horse
Never say never! It qualifies and it’s a passive electronic hoover and she expects you to contact her (entitlement and grandiosity). Blocking her was the correct course of action; starve her of fuel and she will go elsewhere.
Pale horse, it is a hoover. I had something similar happen to me with WhatsApp. Now that you have blocked her, prepare to be unfriended because she always needs to have the upper hand. That way if you by any chance decide to unblock her you will notice she unfriended you, that’s what my narc did. But who cares anymore!Keep her blocked and out of your life.
Likewise K!
Pale Horse,
What’s the time sequence?
Pale Horse, We’re all ears (or eyes) and here for you if you need us!
Thanks MB! HG is always correct. I did not believe it would ever happen. But I realize how much I have learned over the course of two years because I want nothing to do with her.
Hello Pale Horse
Glad to hear you did not respond to the hoover and have no desire to. Also thank you for confirming once again that HG is right about the probability of it happening for those who don’t believe it and therefore take no steps to avoid it.
Which brings me to…
You now know you need to enforce REAL No Contact.
You dodged a bullet with her. Don’t allow any more target practice.
Hope all is well with the career and studies.
Enlightens my memory! Shutting up is better than u necessarily speaking
This article has been posted before. I find you recycle a lot of material, must not have much insight as you think.
Well done on noticing Mildred. There are several reasons why work is reposted. I’ve clearly so little insight that you’ve read long enough to notice it’s been reposted. Feel free to go elsewhere.
HG I have always found it of interest when a commentator states what is truth yet never looks at the facts of how busy you are or that many could be new to the blog and never read this article or one can read it again and find another nugget of truth that pertains to their situation.
Hg, I usually get mad when I read comments like Mildred’s because they’re so rude but this time I’m actually offended for you. Mainly because I’ve spent the last few weeks meticulously going through each one of your articles for the “Knowing HG” serious and I’m only in 2016. On top of that, there are still books, audio, YouTube video and interviews to go through. And don’t even get me started on the comment sections where your material is discussed and you interact with readers and guide them when needed. Most people couldn’t do what you do during a 40 hour work week. You handle criticism well. I just want to tell her to fuck off.
No, they could not, thank you. Feel free to tell her. I doubt we will get the courtesy of an apology for her ill-conceived observation and we all know why that is.
HG
Ha! I suspected as much re: Mildred. Comments like that display a complete lack of emotional empathy. Any empath worth his or her salt reads and then reads some more, so they understand what is going on before making any remarks and certainly not disparaging ones like that.
I agree HG, they never apologize so I’ll just Shut Up.
Mercy:
“they never apologize so I’ll just Shut Up.”
Eye sea watt ewe deed!
Hope she does a longer post. Fuck U gave me and a 20-year veteran there no teaching assignments for Spring (or probably ever again), so I could use the proofreading practice.
Violetta, if you need practice proofreading just follow me around for a day or too (I did that one just for you)
Mercy
That was funny, thanks for the laugh! Violetta can follow me, two.
Mildred, congrats on your perspicacity. Did you come to that realization yourself?
Um, Mildred, have you noticed that HG provides links to previous postings of the article right beneath it, in case anyone wants to check out the other reader discussions? Not exactly keeping it a secret, is he?
And I venture to say—I’ve learned nearly as much from interacting with others and writing my own randomness out. I wish I had time to just take a week and read old comments. The learning is interactive. (For me) I’ve missed a wealth of info as this blog was active for four years before I found it.
Lorelei: I’m not even close to catching up, but looking at old threads often lets me see the progress other readers have made.
Violetta, I wouldn’t want to read my old comments. Shoot I probably wouldn’t even want to read last week’s comments. Everyday is a learning experience here.
Mercy , i agree with you. This blog is a liferime experience.
Definitely Pati!
Oops spelling error I meant lifetime
Mildred,
That’s not true and you know it. You are deliberately pointing at 1 (one) article and omitting all new valuable resources and hard work to make Mr Tudor appear in an unfavourable light.
Mr Tudor has been publishing a huge amount of new material almost on a daily basis. The following list is an example of what he has published in the last 3 ½ months:
8 new Assistance Packages.
Over a dozen new Logic Bulletins, some of them consisting of 2-3 parts.
Over 15 other new resources and material including Advent and Christmas material, the Knowing HG series and an advisory.
From the A Very … Narcissist series, he has published 10 new articles about Ms Markle and also the last one about Amber Heard.
3 new Interviews.
A new book.
Q&As material.
Also other items that I am missing right now.
I have read/listened to many of the resources mentioned above and I found all of them very helpful and insightful.
Thank you EB.
Mildred,
I’m surprised by your comment, for a few reasons. For me, the sheer volume of what he’s produced here is extensive (in both bredth & depth), by any reasonable standard. Regardless, it doesn’t make sense to me that the *amount* he produces correlates with his insight.
In addition, though you’re free to express your thinking/feelings, it seems rude…it irks me when people enter “someone else’s home” and complain about what’s there…*maybe* a perspective for you to consider?
Indeed CIF.
Oh Mildred! He reposts articles just to see how many ignorant people respond to him doing so! Bam! You are tonight’s winner! Congratulations! Smh!
Ha ha.
FM1T:
Ok, I just guffawed, and am hoping my new neighbor doesn’t complain. It’s your fault if I get in trouble!
Think she’ll use her prize money to go to Disneyworld?
I think she should use it for an attitude adjustment Violetta!
Some people may be new to this blog and not have read this post before its also a good reminder for all of us loyal readers as well.
Plus its nice to recycle and care about HG’s knowledge.
Apologize or go elsewhere … as in fuck off
ha ha, the codependent that you have said I am and I know I am is really the perfect match. I know from my experience with my mother and father when you are tired of me, I sense it, so I leave. Truly I am the match made in heaven for your kind. I know that it is my fault you don’t want to talk and I know its my fault that you are irritated so I will give you your space and wait for when you want me again.
GEEZUS I’m so pathetic. Happy to be seeing a therapist in a few weeks time. I need to block this negative shit out of my head.
I don’t know if others feel the same, but every time I get notification of a new article or bulletin that includes the shut up/keep your mouth shut! exclamation my ET goes bananas.
@SP, why is that? For me, I nearly feel superior because I KNOW when to shut up because I’m annoying and they don’t. I’m so fucking sick in the head.
Because of my father. I have developed very little tolerance to anyone who tells me to shut up.
Good for you SP….you are stronger for it.
SweetP
Yup. “Children are to be seen but not heard” was a routinely uttered threat I heard (usually from my mother). His was usually a pointed finger and his face close to mine hissing…you say one word and…(enter threat). Fuck anyone that has tried that shit since.
NA—I just sent one of my children to her room for not shutting up. I was ready to..
NA, my father is more the type of the misogynistic “you’re a woman, what do you know about anything.” One time a friend of his was talking about Mexico in front of me. He was saying a bunch of stupid stuff. I have lived in Mexico. I asked him if he had ever been and he said he hadn’t but he knew better. I told him he was incorrect. My father told me to shut up. I stood up and said I’m not gonna shut up, and you friend knows nothing and is embarrassing so I’m leaving. He says this a lot to me, causing the exact same opposite. It’s all fuel for him, but I won’t shut up. I can be beaten to death and I still won’t shut up.
On the other hand…it’s really fucking annoying when people push and push when the other party is immersed in something else or is not in the headspace to discuss. If you don’t get a response early on, adding more questions is just begging for it to go sideways. Walk away. Truth seeking to one can be just as annoying as a silent treatment to another.
No, I feel grateful for the reminder. My big mouth allowed Narcx and other narcs to know way too much about me.
I need to quite making that same mistake with new potential narcs. I need to shrink my mouth.
Good point, lisk…
How do you know if you’re telling a narc too much?
Your lips are moving.
🙂
Sweetest,🍭
The “shuddup” thing actually makes me laugh…’cause I’ll say what I want/when I want/how I want – and it’s absurd to think otherwise.😛 (That said, my nex sometimes said I didn’t talk enough…so there’s no pleasin’ narcissists).
#InAGameOfWhoHasTheRealProblemBetOnNarcissists
It gets to me at times Sweet Pea. Shut up and keep your mouth shut! Did I tell you to speak?! Etc.
Keep your mouth shut and never tell is the first rule I ever learned!!