Valentine Protection
Tomorrow is Valentine´s day and that means it is time for some protection. Many early Christian martyrs were called Valentine and stories appertaining to martyrdom have been associated with St Valentine, which include St Valentine of Rome who performed weddings for soldiers who were forbidden to marry and also providing comfort and succour to persecuted Christians. Over time, the concept of St Valentine and Valentine´s moved away from martyrdom and became associated with romantic love and all of its supposed wholesome manifestations. Of course, where romantic love abounds then so do our kind, the narcissists and with that in order to avoid becoming a martyr to romantic love, protect yourself by adhering to the following points, so you are prepared for what may come on the 14th of February.
- Valentine´s Day is a Hoover Trigger. This means that the occasion of Valentine´s Day HEIGHTENS the possibility of being hoovered and you need to be aware of this, so you need increased vigilance. This Hoover Trigger may happen in two ways. Firstly, you do something so generate that Hoover Trigger, such as send a card to the narcissist or message the narcissist and you enter one of the first five spheres of influence. Secondly, you may not cause the Hoover Trigger but one will happen anyway because the narcissist notes that it is Valentine´s Day and this causes the narcissist to think about you through reminder and you enter the sixth sphere of influence. Either way, you have entered a sphere of influence and this generates a Hoover Trigger. Whether there will be a hoover depends on whether the Hoover Execution Criteria are met but there will be a risk of a hoover. How great that risk is depends on a variety of factors (for instance what your position in the fuel matrix is, whether you are painted black or white, how easy it is for the narcissist to hoover you, whether you have recently wounded the narcissist and if so, how recently and the extent of the wounding, amongst many other matters). You can reduce the risk by ensuring that your no contact regime is a total as possible. If you make it very difficult for the narcissist to be able to contact you, you reduce the risk of being hoovered and to understand clear and effective ways of doing this use this How To Stop The Hoovers (and if you move quickly and use code deus18 you will receive a 50% discount on this exceptional material.) Make sure the narcissist, the Enemy Without, is kept at bay.
2. Recognise the risks to all romantic victims of narcissists, namely
- If you are the IPPS in the Golden Period then the day will be used to continue the seduction, it will be over the top (see Red Flag for some of the warning signs) although in all likelihood you are unlikely to have accessed this site if you are at this stage)
- If you are the Candidate IPSS see above.
- If you are Shelf IPSS there is either an increased risk of you being taken off the shelf and hoovered (Benign Hoover) OR you will spend the day ignored/given comfort crumbs as the narcissist engages with the IPPS or a different IPSS. Be aware in the latter scenario of your increased ET through feeling dejected and that you are at risk of Malign Hoovers if you keep “pestering” the narcissist (Kicking The Hornet´s Nest (deus18 secures a 50% discount).
- If you are a Dirty Little Secret, you are likely to be spend the day ignored and therefore be prepared for dejection and disappointment.
- If you are the IPPS in Devaluation be prepared for a day which will range from disappointment (day ignored or paid lip service) to the narcissist spending time with the Shelf IPSS (there is likely to be one) or sustained devaluation through unpleasant behaviours towards you since the narcissist wishes to assert control over you by being unpleasant to you on a day when you were expecting something exciting and romantic.
3. Be aware of the potential hoovers which may occur so you prepare by preventing them reaching you OR you recognise what they are and you reject them. Likely hoovers will include
- Sending you a Valentine´s Day card
- Sending you flowers to your home or work
- Sending a gift to your home or work (note that the narcissist is less likely to adopt anonymity because the narcissist will want you to know that the gift is from him or her to cause you to respond to the hoover and provide fuel. Put in place gate keepers to vet cards and gifts for you. Have someone do so who knows the narcissist and will recognise the narcissist´s handwriting (in case a card is written anonymously and/or knows certain nicknames or “tells” the narcissist will use) so that the card, gift etc is intercepted and you are not told about it or who it is from. Thus, have someone else be at home with you to answer the door to deliveries or return home with you to deal with any cards of gifts which are waiting. Put in place a suitable gate keeper to receive cards and gifts (or open them if they are already at your workstation) at work.
- The sending of links to romantic songs by text or email
- Driving past where you live, work, frequent by way of a passive hoover in order to provoke you into responding
- Hoover by Proxy by causing a friend or family member to contact you
- Social Media Hoovers – stay off social media on the 14th February. The narcissist is highly likely to use social media to hoover you either by posting memes about love/missing you (Benign Hoovers), sending you a message on social media asking how you are/ seeking forgiveness/ harnessing the occasion to meet up or to resolve matters (Benign Hoovers), parading their new victim for all to see with pictures of a romantic meal and expensive gifts (Malign Hoover) or commenting about you or to you in derogatory terms (“How is life on the shelf you miserable bitch?!”) (Malign Hoover) If you do not go on social media you will not see these hoovers. Ask somebody to then vet social media for you at the beginning of 15th February to remove any of the above so when you return to social media you do not see them.
- Text messages proclaiming love/missing you/ stating a desire to resolve matters/ seeking forgiveness or just a plain “how are you?”
- Calling round in person to spend time with you
4. Valentine´s Day causes an increase in your Emotional Thinking. There are several ways which this may happen which you need to be aware of , so you realise that this IS a spike in your Emotional Thinking, which is the Enemy Within.
- Feeling sad that you are not in a relationship because of the narcissist
- Feeling dejected that you are not in a relationship generally
- Feeling bitter about the end of the relationship with the narcissist
- Feeling jealous that the narcissist is in a relationship with someone else
- Feeling pleased you are no longer in the relationship with the narcissist
- Feeling expectant as you want the narcissist to contact you
- Feeling reflective about the “good times” with regard to the relationship with the narcissist
- Feeling angry about how the narcissist has treated you
Notice a common thread – feeling. Your Emotional Thinking will seize on the fact that it is St. Valentine´s Day to cause your mind to go to the idea of love and relationships and then it is a short jump to thinking about the narcissist. This increase in Emotional Thinking then becomes circuitous, the more you think about the narcissist, the more your ET rises and thus you will think even more about the narcissist. Your ET will be trying to salami slice you into a further form of interaction and does so by not only keeping you thinking about (interacting in relation to) the narcissist but by increasing your feelings so you act on them. (To understand more about the innate addiction to the narcissist and how it impacts on your ET and most importantly, what you can do about it, do ensure you access these materials The Foundation of the Addiction , The Link Between the Addiction and Emotional Thinking and How To Tackle Emotional Thinking apply discount code deus18 for 50% off).
Protecting yourself on Valentine´s Day is as much as about keeping the narcissist away from you as it is keeping yourself away from the narcissist. Your ET WILL increase because of this event because it is one of the vagaries of life which means there always remains a risk of increased ET (to understand more see Future Protection (deus18 50% discount available).
Understand your ET will rise and be prepared for this. If you have applied my work these matters should already be in hand but double check, as you would with your house before leaving it, and bolster your no contact regime by ensuring
- You halt thinking about the narcissist and here is THE material which will ensure you do so The Final Battle : How To Stop Thinking About The Narcissist
- Do not talk about the narcissist with your friends and family. Consign the narcissist to oblivion. No matter how sad, angry, upset you may be, talking about it with people is not going to make you feel better.
- Stay off social media. As explained above you must do this to avoid hoovers. You must also do this to prevent your ET from rising because you will either see something that relates to the narcissist and/or you will see other people posting about Valentine´s Day which will reinforce feelings of loss, irritation, anger or upset.
- Ensure the narcissist cannot contact you. Make sure you cannot and do not contact the narcissist. No social media messages, no text messages, no telephone calls, no notes attached to arrows fired from Cupid´s bow.
- Do not physically spend time with the narcissist. No “shag for old time´s sake”, no “dinner with her is better than nothing on this day of all days” , no “today is a good day for a fresh start.” Keep the door locked and unanswered.
5. Understand the common behaviours through hoovers on Valentine´s Day, whether you are in the relationship still with the narcissist or not
- Forgetting to send you a card or gift
- Sending you an inappropriate card or gift
- Failing to arrange to do something special
- Expecting you to go overboard in relation to the narcissist
- Denigrating whatever you do no matter how considerate and pleasant as “rubbish”, “not what I want”
- Disappearing because the narcissist is spending time with someone else
- Future Faking – “The restaurants will all be too busy, so I will take you somewhere special next weekend.”
- Digging Up The Past – “We did not bother last year, so what are you making such a fuss about this year for?”
- Threatened Loss – “If you do not do something special for me, it is over.”
- Silent Treatments may go into overdrive through reading and informing text messages, not answering calls, walking away from you, sitting through the meal and ignoring you.
- Triangulation – comparing what you do to the “efforts” of previous partners, flirting with waiters/waitresses in front of you, staring at other diners at the restaurant, remarking about other people repeatedly, using the phone repeatedly during the Valentine´s event
- Excessive use of computer/telephone – other people are being hoovered in the fuel matrix
- Added secrecy with regard to the computer/phone – other people in the fuel matrix are contacting the narcissist
6. Obey the 1st Golden Rule of Freedom when you know, you go, Get Out and Stay Out. If you are doing something or thinking of doing something which breaches this rule STOP.
7. Plan a distraction from Valentine´s Day to improve your prospects of taking the required steps above
- Do something that matters to YOU, possibly something you have not done for a long time
- Start the day with a Logic Blast from my work. Come to this blog and find articles to read for 15 minutes or so which remind you of why you must stay away from the narcissist.
- Do not organise an Anti-Valentine´s event, you will just end up thinking about Valentine´s Day more
- Whatever you plan, ensure it is away from the trappings of Valentine´s Day which means avoiding the cinema, restaurants and bars. Instead, organise with a reliable friend or family member to go somewhere away from people generally, explain there is to be no discussion or mention of Valentine´s Day and/or the narcissist and treat yourself as a reward for implementing and maintaining no contact.
- Consult with me if you need additional assistance in tackling matters Audio Consultation
- Remember, by implementing and maintaining no contact, you will reduce the risk of the Devil´s Pitchfork impaling you, you will stay narc free and increase your future prospects of securing a non-narcissist and thus being able to enjoy a future Valentine´s Day.
Protect yourself and protect others by sending this article to them and/or obtaining an Assistance Package or Logic Bulletin for them.
44 thoughts on “Valentine Protection”
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The day draws near… 💔
DLS and I was never ignored, but I wish I had been. Truly.
I should even be thinking about it, and yet, here I am. Disappointed in myself.
Valentine’s day was kind of a success for me. I was in a positive mood and stayed off social media. The only thing that was irritating to me was I took my daughter to see her dad. When I was there I noticed he had bought two dozen roses for his gf. I don’t think he is a full narcissist but he definitely has many narcisstic traits. When I was with him I was lucky if I got one rose. He hated Valentine’s day and never wanted to make a big deal over it. Seems like his attitude has changed.
CM:
“When I was there I noticed he had bought two dozen roses for his gf”
You were meant to see them. Think of all the other places he might have put them, but they just happened to be where you’d see them when your dropped off your daughter. What a coincidence!
Cheer up, he’s just giving her more of a Golden Period. The devaluation will hurt more, because she thinks this is who he is.
He intended for you to see them because he knew that you would be wondering why the new ‘victim’ gets 2 dozen roses and you never even got one rose from him on Valentine’s day. In other words, he wanted to hurt your feelings.
I kinda forgot it was Valentines day. I can’t decide if I’m getting good at this NC stuff or if I need to get a life.
Glad this day is almost over. I wore black head-to-toe and even just changed my pic to my black fur cape to match my mood 🤣 I feel crabby today! But at least I don’t feel sad. Going to get veg lomein takeout & eat in dark isolation away from annoying humans
Happy V- Day, HG Tudor! Thank you for all of this incredible info. I am an empath, to the core. My intuition is my superpower. I just did not trust it before. I dated a number of narcs that destroyed me in every way. And I am grateful because now I raised my standards VERY HIGH and most importantly I now trust my intuition.
I recently met someone on a dating site. He said so many amazing things even BEFORE we had a date such as:” I know you are the one, I told my family about you…I just know it… You are this and that … blah blah.. LOL. On the way to our date he messaged me saying how he can’t wait to make me his Mrs…” I laughed so hard. Every time he said one of these future faking things, I called him out and he did not like that. None of these things passed by my intuition and do not get me wrong, I want to hear these things. We had one date and kept in touch for about 2 more weeks after. But he eventually lost interest because I made fun of every single BS thing he said. None of it FELT right. It sounded great and amazing but it FELT off.
You are welcome, Scarlett.
Strong urge to unblock his Facebook profile to have a stalk, look at the comments and women added. I know it would do me no good. So I’m writing on here instead. No hoovers today and for 3 weeks which is a good thing.
Happy Valentine’s Day everyone. Stay NC! And enjoy x
Well done.
Wonderful healing, coming here instead of social media, HG Tudor.
Think I’ll look again over there Wednesday or such. Facebook and Twitter reminds us of St. Valentine’s with “While You were away:” notifications.
Maybe I can avoid those.
Well done.
Another article that I am taking note of, to go with my arsenal of helpful info that I’ve been getting from here.
If anyone is old enough to remember, today I feel like those Virginia Slims cigarette ads “You’ve Come A Long Way, Baby” (ha)..
Last year at this time I was deep in ET, knew things were very, very wrong, but couldn’t imagine ever getting to the point of actually being able to follow through on blocking and no contact. Got hoovered hard on Valentine’s Day.
This year, although I’m not out of the ET woods yet, I’m armed with the knowledge of schools and cadres (and I have a pretty good idea of what type of narc I believe he is), the different types of empaths (not just codependency, which other websites and schools of thought on this stuff often automatically assume), hoover triggers and hoover execution criteria, spheres of influence, no contact and GOSO, etc. Since I am in a different state, I know that the power to block a hoover from getting through, and focusing on keeping up GOSO, is in my hands. I feel pretty good today, and know what I need to continue doing. Much better off than I was last year at this time, thanks to the info here.
Good to read.
Happy V day HG! Checked your IG today. Seems you have really long golden period, I am happy for you.
But do you think its still golden period/infatuation/idealization or have you managed to succesfully move from infatutation to the next stage of normal mature love that non narcissists experience after brief infautation period?
It is the golden period. I am a narcissistic psychopath.
So I want to be narcissistic psychopath too! Never experienced so long infautation with anyone haha.
I’m dedicating this to The Shieldmaiden in appreciation for her gifts that edify our Dear Host and make him as close to “happy” as a narcissist gets. https://youtu.be/fa8KzA8BYjI
Twinkle twinkle little star, singles are the superstars!
Best day of the year…. to remind you that being single is super cool and super necessary for growth, healthy mindset and overall happiness : )
Taking off work and have a salon hair appt. I can always find a million things I need to do.
You mean DON’T watch the Zeffirelli Romeo and Juliet while downing mead and wishing I had died at thirteen, as long as the love was mutual and I could wear that awesome garb?
C’mon, HG, I’m seeing the dentist tomorrow and my former student’s email.sent me into a tailspin–can’t I have any fun wallowing in it at all?
Gak! That film is so trite. Much prefer Baz Luhrmann’s Romeo + Juliet. Kickass soundtrack.
That does have one moment I like, when Romeo’s poetry (which cribbed from Romans de la Rose makes Benvolio look at him like he’s smoking crack. It’s a dead giveaway that Romeo’s “love” for Rosaline is just him being Whiny Emo-Boy.
Lots of very great info on this one. How I despise this day. It’s my most hated day of the year. It’s a day, unlike any other, which is designed to hurt the Empath. Well not entirely designed, that would be facetious!
Changed my avatar. Cleaning old shit up, as you do, then found a carving of My Right Foot. I mean, how many IPPSs have that? I know. It’s odd. But still strangely cool. Ha!
He must have spent hours doing it. Gawd knows what I was doing. Sleeping. Probably. I daresay he had the old one of the wrist.
Fuck him. Fuck Valentines Day. Fuck Men.
But STILL! My right foot. Not the left one. My left one has minor inferorties. Not that youd notice. No one would unless they were a psychopath.
But there we are immortalised. Praise the Lord!
He once said in I think perhaps in the only Valentines Card he ever sent, ‘I will love you forever.’
Why do narcs say this like are proclaiming ‘The Synod of Suti?
Stick your cock up your reternally tight arse. Then go fuck yourself of the outside of however AND then when you are there; fuck yourself off some more.
This ends my Valentines Day message.
P..S Your woodcarving was shit and didnt capture my feet in reality. Deal with it fucker. Xs
P.P.S Youl never get my feet on your balls again.
P.p.S Apologies NS for my for my coursesnes. But hey? Its ME!
Renarde:
Think of Narcs + Empaths as Interspecies Dating. It never works.
Case in point:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=5R-rbzcEM8A
Happy Valentines Day Mr.H I love you for what you for us! Santa
Thank you
Thank you HG. I don’t think I will be hoovered as my narc is blocked on all social media and phone. He doesn’t know where I live now and I imagine he is too lazy to try and find out. But as you say you never know and we need to stay aware. Happy Valentines day!!
Thank you H.G. I am actually getting on a plane early in the morning for a long weekend with friends.
Cheers!
Well done.
I love HG ❤
Dear HG, my ex-narc has been hoovering me during the summer and fall months through text messages. He even used other peoples’ phones (as though I wouldn’t know who he was!). I went no contact. The other day I downloaded messenger app (FB) and low and behold, there was a hidden message there, from his ‘ex’ from years ago to me, saying all these terrible things about him (which I never saw until yesterday) and her profile picture for today included him right next beside her! After he had badmouthed her, she him. I messed up and looked at his daughter’s profile (I have him and her blocked) and sure enough, he is back with her. I wonder if she knew he was texting me asking him to marry him just a week ago) Anyway, that being said, it was like a knife lanced right through my heart, and all the memories of the golden period as well as the horrific devaluation came flooding back. I was in shock and shaking, and cried. I am now distracted again with those dull painful feelings, even in my bones. I was wondering if they both were narcs. There was so much abuse of each other when they were together (others told me the stories of cops being called to their house, etc. before he and I were together) So I am very confused. It shouldn’t bother me but it does. I should have NOT looked at social media. I saw pics of my ex-husband on his sister’s page but couldn’t care less, no feeling or emotion at all (just that gee did he ever get fat!) but with my ex-narc I am so hurt! So how do I get over this? I don’t even want to do the speed dating I had planned, afraid of being hurt again and not recognizing the signs. How do I get over this? How do I trust again? Allow new love in my life? I am not damaged goods, but not full of bliss and confidence either. I thought your blogs and all your online advice would be fine. But I am still hurting. So I am thinking of buying one of your packages. What package would you recommend for me?
You should obtain
How To Stop The Hoovers – your no contact regime needs work.
also obtain
Addiction – Foundation, Addiction The Link With ET, Addiction – How To Tackle ET.
Felt great just reading this, this is meticulous & brilliant! You’re the best
Indeed.
Well, lets judge!
Just my Japes and I am in a FOWL mood tonight.
Your work is sound and good.
Thank you for posting this info-packed bulletin in time for us to plan for tomorrow, HG.
At first I was surprised that this is a No-No: “Feeling pleased you are no longer in the relationship with the narcissist,” but I get it now. It’s a No-No to feel anything narc-related.
For Valentines Day, I’m going to follow your suggestion to do something I haven’t done in a while. Not sure what that is yet, but I might do it in connection with a meme I read yesterday:
“I do not chase men [or Narcs]. I chase goals.”
I have plenty of goals to chase and plenty of energy with which to chase them, thanks to you and your work, HG.
I just need to pick one for tomorrow!
Indeed and you are welcome.
This article is the best Valentine gift for every love addict !
I have some hunches that nowadays St Valentine’Day is invented by a marketing guru narcissist.
I struggle to understand the conception why someone has to demonstrate me how much they love me in one particular day of the year? Why the day is fixed , why cannot be any other day ? I don’t want to even start with the red roses, chocolates , cards, dinners, etc, etc on this particular day. Most of the female population likes to receive flowers , chocolates, being treated with a romantic dinner!gateway any day of year . Most of the blokes would love their partner to wear lingerie and unleash their inner goddess in the bedroom ( or any other location subject to one’s preferences) any day of the year.
My ex ( a non believer) could bring a gift even during the devaluation periods. So imagine the misery that devaluation brings ( started a week ahead of the day ) and on 14 Feb the Narc will come home with a small gift because “ This is not because I love you but because it is St Valentine , so “.
Yeah, I could wonder should I laugh or should I cry but ending saying politely “ thank you”.
During the golden periods – well, he would proudly share with his workmates when we went, what he bought me, luckily some ahem , details were spared to the audience ( or at least , I wish). Even his unmarried peers were asking him for ideas how to treat their girlfriends on Valentine’s Day . Such an irony!
I am no longer a love addict so no cheesy memories or self pittance is on the list for tomorrow.
Thank you for this article, HG. Your Valentines gift to your readers 🥰
Having the Devil’s Pitchfork impaled in my guts is not what I consider a Happy Valentines Day. This is a battle that is won by not entering the battlefield. We can never hear that too much.
You are most welcome.
Brilliant and thorough HG Thank you.
I recognised all sorts of behaviours from both my ex husband lesser narc and the most recent UMR narc.
Lesser would always play down valentines.
UMR is still likely to try to contact me via a message of some kind and ask how I am but will definitely have others on the go. Unless he has a new IPPS in the golden period.
It has been 3 weeks full no contact again. Blocked social media blocked email phone WhatsApp the works so would be tough. Hoping there is nothing and trying to keep my thoughts away from him.
His name still crops in social circles and work situations unexpectedly.
Someone this week said oh he was weird, a drinker and would lose his temper at the smallest thing. I never saw that side.
Hes no longer at my last place of work due to harassment charges on someone else. I was pushed out probably due to my raising concerns about his behaviour and supporting the victim – caused the company to lose money. I will get something new soon. I’m proud I could to that and protect another woman.
Thanks for letting me rant and off load on here. I’m doing ok.
You are most welcome.
Em: do you have any legal recourse? Or maybe I’ll they find me feeble excuses for pushing you out?