The Terrible Gas Lighting Twenty
You are familiar with gas lighting where we twist reality over and over again in order to create doubt. You begin to question yourself, doubt your recollection and feel like you are losing your sanity.
It is an insidious tactic and one which we always use in order to destabilise you and maintain our control and the upper hand. We change history, re-write what has happened and we will do so even when faced with what you think is incontrovertible truth and evidence. Our confidence and certainty in the way we approach this, combined with the patronising appearance of caring about your tired and failing mind is especially bewildering. Our aim is to cause you to question your reality so you much more readily accept the false reality that we create and operate in.
The Greater Narcissist consciously does this. We know what we are doing, why we are doing it and want the outcome of fuel and control – it is a calculated response on our part. Our narcissism compels this behaviour and our increased awareness allows us to plan it and revel in its success as we witness its impact on you. We know it is regarded as wrong, but we do not care and we see it is as necessary and justified to achieve our aims.
The Lesser and Mid-Range Narcissists do not calculate. It is an instinctive response borne out of their altered perspective. Their narcissism compels this behaviour although they do not see that they are doing anything wrong – indeed, their narcissism causes them to see what they are doing as a natural response to the antagonistic behaviours of the victim. It is the victim who is the problem, who is twisting reality and being awkward. The Lesser or Mid Range Narcissist truly believes their response is correct, right and justified – it is the victim who is manipulating, going mad or is forgetful and misremembering.
Here are twenty of our favourite phrases which are used to gas light you and in some instances allied with other forms of manipulation.
“It never happened.”
(Denial)
“You are lying.”
(Projection/Blameshifting)
“You imagined it.”
(Denial/Blameshifting)
“You haven’t remembered it correctly.”
(Blameshifting)
“Yes, you did do it because I remember distinctly.”
(Blameshifting/Assertion of Superiority)
“Are you calling me a liar?”
(Insult)
“If I look for it you had better hope I don’t find it. Oh, what’s this? Just where I said it would be.”
(Threat/Triangulation)
“I never told you to do that, why would I ever say that?”
(Denial)
“Your dad wouldn’t do that to you.”
(Triangulation)
“You are suffering from delusions, I think we need a doctor for you.”
(Projection/Triangulation/Insult)
“You like to cause an argument out of nothing don’t you?”
(Projection)
“You twist my words, I did not mean it like that.”
(Blameshifting)
“You never told me that at all, I would have remembered.”
(Blameshifting/Assertion of Superiority)
“Nobody likes you, they’ve all told me this.”
(Insult/Triangulation)
“You need help, it is caused by your anger problem.”
(Insult/Blameshifting/Projection)
“Why are you inventing things again? You are such an attention seeker.”
(Projection)
“That never happened.”
(Denial)
“Dear me, you always make things up, you’ve done it ever since you were a child.”
(Projection/Triangulation)
“We are just friends, you are reading too much into it.”
(Triangulation)
“That couldn’t possibly have hurt you, why are you saying it did?”
(Invalidation)
14 thoughts on “The Terrible Gas Lighting Twenty”
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So many times he would say “misti, I want you to make a decision” or “I want to try something” and he would ask me to choose between two or three items. The very last time that happened I began balling.. it was simple “which haunted house do you want to go to?” I started panicking sorting through all the options.. three closer one was cheaper but probably not better and the further one cost more but might be more fun but then the line would be linger and we wouldn’t get to Lisa’s till later for her party and I was afraid he would then use it against me.
I couldn’t ever make a right decision.
I just remember reading about how to know you were in a gaslighting relationship.
When I read about trouble making decisions I lost it. Because of how many times he would stop me and ask me to make a decision. And then I would be wrong. Somehow.
Smh.
I always thought it was weird that he would come right out and say “i want you to make a decision”
Sounds like your relationship was *the* haunted house.
I’m glad you decided to get out of that ghost-hole.
🙁 I am too. It’s hard some days. But mostly because I am remembering the image I thought he was and not who he actually was. The fact that I wanted him to actually be mine. I didn’t realize how draining it was trying to catch up with him and all his stories. Or trying to defend so many things about myself that he thought were problems. I really felt like i was brainwashed. I would tell people how lucky i was to have him and that i was too emotional and just needed to give him rest.
He primed me so much to accept the abuse and i didn’t even realize it. He always told me “Misti, I might not be what you want but i am what you need” i started reversing that to him everytime he told me in one way or another that I was a problem. And told him well maybe I am what you need but not what you want.
My head just goes in circles on how he has manipulated everyone of his friends and they don’t know.
And still the things he did to me that they don’t know. Smh.
My heart breaks for them. If he didn’t lie or cheat or manipulate he would be perfect. He seemed so understanding and could always tell me what I was thinking. Like he actually understood. I thought I was so lucky. But that is not luck.
Hg and anyone else..if you say infatuation is not something normal experience and it is a narcissistic entanglement…
I don’t know that I could ever have a real relationship.. I don’t know how to feel love and not be attracted to someone.
I have people that are awesome. But I am not attracted to them. My attraction is what helps me feel close.
Can anyone enlighten me on this? I don’t understand this concept. I don’t know how to be attracted to someone but not have that nice feeling towards them of just wanting to be theirs..
So I push people away that I don’t have that “connection” called infatuation.
Also,
I am so overwhelmed in my email..I don’t know how to tame the hundreds of emails coming in from people making comments on HG site. So when I check my email I am so discouraged and cant read much because my email is just flooded.
How do you all organize this issue? Cant I just have a place where if I commented on a thread it will save it somewhere and i can open it as needed without hundreds of emails each week in my inbox?
He woke up because off the noise from a car that drove off in high speed , me as well , Him : you was trying to kill me ! While looking at me with utter disgust .
Lol I was so confused .
As I had used up a whole packet of tea that he had, I came back one day with a new packet of the exact same tea. He said that it certainly wasn’t the same, because he never bought that tea, and anyway he was “anti-tea”.
And the best: when we “discussed it” after I said I no longer wanted to hear from him, he launched immediately into a monologue telling me that he’d seen some “red flags” when we first met, but didn’t heed them !! I think now that he was expecting me to tell him the same thing, so he went on the attack first.
This was before I understood what he was and heard about “red flags”. Someone must have told him in the past that he was a narcissist. In fact, he had made dismissive comments about that term, implying he did not believe that such people existed.
“Why all is about yourself? I‘m upset about the situation, even more than you are.”
“I think you need to see a therapist so you can work out these obsessive feelings you have towards me.”
“Anyone could see you’d be hurt.”
“Are you lonely? You seem like you need to find new friends.”
“I can’t believe you would say that about me. [Me accusing him of playing games] What we had in the beginning–you can’t fake that.”
“I never said that. YOU are/were the one who….”
Years later, I can’t even remember them now.
Why are you hurt by that?
This was the line that hurt the most. Now that I know what I was dealing with, it all makes sense. Still feel small pangs of hurt 4 years post escape.
I have said many of those things to my narc in defense of HIS attempts at gaslighting ME.
I completely reject his attempts at gaslighting. I have proof and witnesses to back me up , he has zero, and he knows it . Sometimes he’ll continue to insist, yell etc – . I stand my ground. Most of the time he retreats.
HG ,
What is he thinking when he knows he’s been outwitted and retreats ?
I will need to a Narc Detector to ascertain his precise school and then be in a position to advise more accurately. On the basis however that he is most likely Lesser or Mid-Range, he will not actually know the real reason behind why he does what he does nor why he is retreating.
HG,
Thank you.
I assumed he retreats because I just kept firing facts at him . When he says something ( lies) and I ask for specifics and he can’t give them to me, he attempts to deflect immediately. I don’t let him, I point out the deflection and ask again. He retreats in those instances as well. He’s a big fat LIAR and he knows it , and he knows that I know it .
I can’t wait to have a phone consultation with you ! Also to do a narc detector first. From what you write I thought he may be a upper mid range.
Ps. I don’t think I’m getting all my notifications? I just stumbled across your reply here now.
It’s all in your head, that’s what you get for thinking.
thats sad, that sounds like something your mother said to you
Actually, it was a favorite of both parental organisms.