The Narcissist and Grief

 

THE-NARCISSIST-AND-GRIEF

Grief. You may think that this is an alien concept to our kind. It is and it is not. On the one hand we do not feel grief but we do understand what it is and what it engenders in other people especially those who are empathic in nature and who have been entangled with us. We have watched with an almost child-like curiosity when you have received news about the passing away of a relative. If this happened during the golden period, you at least received some false empathy in the shape of some fabricated support and understanding to make it look as if we at least cared in some way. If your pet died during the devaluation, a long-loved pet, then we will have watched your display of sadness, longing and grief with contempt and jealousy. We would not have supported you but instead said something to provoke you such as,

“I don’t know why you are so upset, it’s just a dog.”

So that you focused on us again rather than wallow in your own grief. We have witnessed grief in others, observed and learnt how it is displayed. We have listened (when it served a purpose for us) during the golden period as to how it makes you feel and stored all of this information away. We do not feel grief. We may exhibit is for the sake of appearances if this will garner fuel for us and to preserve the façade, but it is never felt. You however experience grief in an intense fashion, given your capacity to feel and to empathise. We have seen your grief over a deceased relative, a friend taken suddenly and violently in a car crash, the celebrity who you adored who has passed away after a long battle against illness. We know just how capable you are of grief and we know that not only does it have the potential to be a potent source of fuel but we recognise its paralytic effect on you. Grief takes a hold and has the capacity to prevent you from functioning effectively. Not only that, its paralysis is such that it can prevent you from escaping this state of grief, keeping you locked-in a grieving mode, unable to move forward. Grief is an intense emotion. We have seen this. From the wailing cries of a parent being told that their child’s body has been found after they have disappeared to the dignified grief of a war veteran stood in silence with a single tear trickling down his or her cheek as they pay tribute to their fallen comrades. Whether noise or silence accompanies this grief it remains a powerful emotion and naturally one that our kind is keen to draw on for the purposes of extracting fuel. We see grief as serving two functions. Keeping you in a state of paralysis and therefore it follows that you will keep pumping out potent negative fuel for us to extract.

Now, I am not suggesting that I will embark on some kind of killing spree slaughtering your pets, taking down your favourite celebrities and murdering your friends and family, in order to create this repeated state of grief. Whilst one might see certain attractions in doing so, the effort involved and moreover the considerable downsides to such a course of action mean that it is not one that we would embark on. No, instead there is an alternative way of looking to create an enduring state of grief on your part. We want you to grieve for us.

This does not involve us taking our own lives. We rarely commit such an act. We will threaten it, certainly, as part of a hoover, but we regard the world as needing us and therefore we will extremely rarely commit suicide. We will however cause you to grieve for us and we do this when we eventually disengage you after a harsh devaluation. When this disengagement takes place we will leave you with three losses over which you will grieve. Your grief will be prolonged because there are three losses and thus this maximises not only the prospect of paralysis but also a longer period of the provision of potent fuel.

The first loss is the loss of who you thought we were. You were seduced and swept off your feet by this charming individual who mirrored everything you liked and disliked. We ticked all the boxes, we professed to be your soulmate, we gave you a perfect love, made every day special and had you excited to see us and hear from us. We created such a wonderful start to the relationship, unlike anything that you had experienced before. We understood you, we cared, we showed you such passion, we listened and engaged in those things which you always wanted to share with someone else. We wrapped ourselves around you, permeated your very core and entwined our lives so that you were never happier and you could never comprehend a time when such delicious rapture would end. But it did and how.

The loss of something so brilliant and splendid hurts you and feels like you have suffered a bereavement so intense and painful is the experience. Even though you hear the words that it was an illusion, that none of it was real and that you need to let go, it is still so hard to accept all of that and you miss us. Oh how you miss us. You miss that wonderful person we were at the beginning and you want that person back. No matter how many times you are told that he or she was just a creation, that it was an illusion designed to fool you and that we never loved you and never meant or felt anything we said to you, it is still incredibly hard to accept. Just like someone who cannot accept that someone who has died will not walk through the door at any minute, you cannot accept for a considerable time that the person you thought we were has gone. We know what you will be thinking (because we have caused you to think and feel this way) and although we may not always see your grief-ridden response to our absence we know what you will be thinking and feeling and this fuels us. Even greater is the fuel from your messages telling us you miss us, that you want the “old me” back and begging for another chance. Your grief for loss of the person that you thought we were, is both huge and prolonged.

The second loss that you sustain and grieve for is the loss of the potential that we showed to you. There was no doubting that we were brilliant at our job. You saw the plaudits and you felt the benefit, for a time, of the accompanying pay cheque. You saw the trophies amassed for our various achievements in different fields and you heard other people speak so highly of our accomplishments. The compassion, kindness and love that we showed to you and to others (although false) still causes you to think that somewhere we are truly capable of this goodness, if only we would harness it and let it be free. You have witnessed two things. The reality of our drive to be the best and the accompanying good that such drive and ambition brings – a surgeon saving lives, a scientist inventing cures, an entrepreneur creating wealth and jobs, a policeman making the neighbourhood safer, a teacher educating so many people to a high degree – means that our rampant desire to be the best has the considerable potential to actually do good for others. You also saw something in terms of the way that we treated you and as an empathic individual you still believe that this goodness can be freed and used to both our benefits so that we are both happy together. You came to regard us as a wounded and hurt person and in conjunction with your innate desire to heal and fix, you felt that if you could heal us then the mutual benefits would be amazing. There was so much potential waiting to be unlocked and utilised and now with our departure and your discard, that potential has been lost. You grieve this loss of opportunity and how things might have turned out oh so different. You want to turn back the clock, do things differently and the inability to do so causes you considerable grief and pain.

The third area of grief which you sustain from coupling with us is not grieving over us, but it stems from being with us and that is grieving the loss of your identity. Before we came along you were happy, independent, strong, bright, well-liked by family, friends and colleagues. You had many interests and you enjoyed life. Yes, there were flaws and vulnerabilities but you handled them as best you could as you forged a path through life knowing who you were. Then we came along.

We subsumed you into us. We eradicated your characteristics as we either stole them for our own construct to show the world or we eroded them through the steady application of our vicious manipulations. Your confidence evaporated, your self-esteem disappeared and your self-worth plummeted. You became steadily isolated, losing friends, neglecting your interests and even become distant with family. You allowed yourself to be fully consumed by us. It was entirely understandable how this happened because we wanted it to happen and we acted in a manner to cause it to happen, but nevertheless your loss of identity was a steady and insidious consequence of the grip we held over you. Now, as you sit alone, ruminating on what once was, grieving the loss of who you thought we were, the loss of the potential, you are also hit by the loss of who you were. You no longer recognise that face which stares emptily at you in the mirror each morning. The world is grey and drab, music sounds harsh and grating, conversations irritate and make you fearful, even your favourite foods taste like ash in your mouth. You have lost yourself and the sense of foolishness from allowing this to happen and the grief arising from such a loss is substantial.

This triumvirate of grief arising from entangling with us provides us with substantial fuel and we know that burdened by not just one or two, but three forms of grief, it will take you a long time, if ever, to escape the effects.

43 thoughts on “The Narcissist and Grief

  1. Flatliner says:

    We especially like how you explored the different types of grief here and would like to feature you in our upcoming issue.

  2. Feather says:

    When my son was 16 he died because I didn’t get him medical treatment in time. When he stopped breathing my will to live ceased. I stopped functioning. I am just laying on the ground desperately wanting the end. I wanted to douse myself in petrol and set myself alight. Along comes the narcissist. His arms around me as the outpouring of love, sympathy and cash flows from the community. He plays the hero and he is adored for his generosity and sacrifice. He uses the money for his car, his alcohol, his steak and his lobster tails. When I try to lift myself up, he stomps me back into the ground. My guilt is used to abuse me and push me further over the edge. He opens the door to all the support that came to help, accepts the gratitude and sympathy and shuts the door, isolating me from what I need. When birthdays, Christmas and anniversaries arrive I am knocked back down into the despair and narc bombs are dropped all around me until the event and then of course there he is holding my hand, awaiting his adoration

    1. truthseeker6157 says:

      Ohhhh Feather, I’m so very sorry for your loss. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain. To have someone in your life masquerading as a partner, whilst capitalising on the goodness of others and your own devastation, is just unforgivable. I can only hope that somehow you find the strength to move forward. X

      1. Feather says:

        Thank you truthseeker6157 x
        I agree unforgivable and that was the golden period! Accessing HG’s expertise has been a privilege. I have absorbed and implemented all I can and as a result escaped unscathed. The grief remains part of me forever but the narcissist will not. I still have much to work to do as I have a toddler with the narcissist but I know I’m in the right place, getting the right information. All is well now

        1. FYC says:

          Feather, I am glad you found your way here and are free of your N. I am saddened and troubled by your account of your son and your struggles with your grief, guilt and shame that followed. I’m sure you did not know the danger your son was in and this created the delay. This happens in many situations, especially when it is important psychologically to reject the worst possible outcome for a cherished loved one. I have never had children, so I cannot truly know the extent of what you are experiencing, but I am sure both you and your son know that this was not on purpose. Further, there is no telling if you had acted quickly that the outcome would be any different (and I fear the N may have blamed you). There are no guarantees. I feel it is so very important that you forgive yourself. You love your son and always will. He knows this. He loves you and does not want you to suffer. Continue to carry him in your heart every day and cherish the amazing gift of his life. At the same time, please release yourself from shame and blame. You are now N free and you can have a full life in honor of your son. I wish you much peace and healing now and always. P.S. Have you ever seen the movie “The Shack”? I think you may find it helpful.

          1. Feather says:

            Thank you for your kindness FYC. I have not seen The shack but I will look it up now.

            Thank you HG for a safe place to share.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            You are welcome.

          3. Feather says:

            FYC Thank you. I finally watched ‘The Shack’ yesterday, today I look like I got hit in the face by a 50 tonne truck. I cried for the whole 2 hours. I was not raised Christian but I completely understand the point you were trying to show me. I do feel better and will remember and grow from this ♥️ May I ask about you, what brought you here to narcsite?

          4. FYC says:

            Dear Feather, I am so glad that you found that movie meaningful and healing. Your son loves you always, as much as you love him. I hope you continue to heal from your grief and loss. I think The Shack best expresses many of my beliefs on the matter. And I know exactly what you mean by the emotional effects of the movie. It is remarkable and cathartic and healing. I came to KTN due to several narcissists (Ns) I was unsuccessfully dealing with including familial. The stress was becoming too great. I needed to understand what was going on so I would know how to deal with it effectively. Even though I sought therapy prior to finding KTN for the same reason, it did not help me, nor did my therapist have any real comprehension of what I was dealing with. When I stumbled upon KTN, it was astonishing how HG describes the N behavior so accurately, often word for word, exactly what I had been told by an N. I started reading here voraciously. With the knowledge and assistance I have received here I am now virtually Zero Impact and ever grateful. I hope you will stay here on the blog. I would very much like hearing from you as you go forward.💜

          5. Feather says:

            Thank you FYC. I will stick around. There is still much for me to learn

    2. Tired says:

      Feather,

      So sorry about the loss of your son. There is no greater grief than the loss of a child. Having children myself I still can’t imagine what you’ve been through.
      I am happy you’ve escaped your narc , and I hope HG’s work will make maintaining NC easier for you.
      Wishing you peace on your journey.

      Tired 🙏🏻💙

  3. BabyEmms says:

    This article hurts more than any other I have read so far. How can any human being take anything positive/fuel from someone feeling grief? And the fact that we (empaths/normals) have more often than not had to grieve over actual deaths and/or will at some point, we now have to grieve over someone who has not died but never even existed. And to deal with that along with the death of the person you once were or could/should/would be if it wasn’t for being so unfortunate as to cross their path, or rather them cross yours and sweet talk you into joining them on the road to hell. Because that narcissist created a whole persona & a promise of a loving future together. It’s way worse than a loved one dying for real; there is no healing in time, there is no grave to visit, there is no one to pray to & know that you will be reunited with in Heaven one day, there is just emptiness. I think this has made it clear to me that I will never get it or understand how a narcissist’s mind works. I know that now & I can give up even trying. Done

  4. BabyEmms says:

    HG, Can I please ask what your kind do if they cause a “supply” to commit suicide over their treatment of them? It must happen, a lot. Surely even an ultra narcissist would feel some kind of guilt from this? Or not? Would you just brush it off and blame the supply for being so weak? I apologise if you have answered this elsewhere, I haven’t come across it yet, if so can you post a link please? Thank you

    1. HG Tudor says:

      There is no guilt. Please see “Why the Narcissist Wants You dead”.

  5. Tired says:

    I have seen him fake cry a few times over the years. The last time he did it was so clearly fake I wanted to tell him , “ just stop it” . Truly pathetic to watch, I thought at the time, “ this man is a sick individual”.

    I don’t *think* I’m grieving what I thought he was , more so that I was stupid enough to buy it , and ignore the red flags , and my gut instinct.

    I mourn all the missed moments with my family over the years, because I chose to satisfy the narcs wishes instead. I hate him , but I hate myself more for letting that happen. I can never get those moments back.

    1. Kim e says:

      Tired,
      Please remember none of it was your fault. Dont hate yourself for things that were completely out of your control at the time. Those are the keys words…”at the time”. At this time…….make it your time.

      1. Tired says:

        Kim,

        Thank you for your kind words.
        I can’t help but think I did have control back then. I could have chosen time with my family instead of him , but I didn’t. I could have chosen to say “ fuck him, I’m going “ , but I didn’t.
        I spent way too many years wondering what he’d be up to or how angry he’d be if I’d be off somewhere without him.
        His mind fuckery chained me , but I chained myself too.
        No one has ever made me feel this way.
        I both fear an end to this marriage and welcome it at the same time.
        Once upon a time I was so happy, and carefree. I’d love to have the old me back again. He’s just a billowing pile of negativity.

        Some days I wish he’d dish out a massive devaluation and disengagement to me, because I’d pull the plug and get rid of him. I think he’s aware and careful of how far he goes so he can avoid me doing it.
        He’s a coward, always has been, but from where I sit today, so am I.

        1. Kim e says:

          Tired
          Your ET is very high. You were programmed to choose him over everyone including and mostly yourself.
          You will get there. It will take time. Don’t be hard on yourself if you slip backwards. You have a lot of deprogrammed ideas to get thru.
          But you must also move forward. Step by step. I know it is scary. Slowly it will sink in.
          I do not know if you have conversed with HG but it is a must. Even if you can think of 2 questions for the time being to help break his hold and help you find the strength to escape
          Take care.

        2. Violetta says:

          Tired:

          You’ll get over being angry at yourself eventually. This is an addiction: you didn’t know what you were being exposed to when you got addicted. It’s like someone put Narc-Meth in your Cheerios every morning, and you didn’t know that you were getting hooked– just that you were feeling incredibly happy, and then suddenly, you weren’t. And then you were happy again, but not as much. Were you getting tolerance to the Cheerios? Did you need a higher dose? And then suddenly you realize you’re not even trying to feel happy from your Cheerios: you just want to stave off the agonizing withdrawal symptoms.

          Watch “Ten Years of Meth” or “The Slow Train of Meth” on YT. I’ve been told when people start doing meth, they feel incredibly confident, sexy, and irresistible. Once they’re hooked on it, they need the fix even if it makes them look 80 and half-dead. They’ll sacrifice anything and anyone to get it.

          They made bad choices, but in a way, most of us on this site didn’t make any choices at all, because we didn’t know what was being put in our food.

          Now that we do know, we have a chance to get clean and stay clean. It will not be easy and we all get tempted to backslide: to pick up the phone, answer that text, surf the blog, hey he’ll never know, I just want to see what the new girlfriend looks like, WTF? THAT’S who he prefers? Is he treating her better than he did me? Why makes her so special? Blah blah.

          It gets easier eventually, and in addition to HG’s work, you have all the Tudorites in different stages of escape/recovery.

          1. Tired says:

            Violetta,

            Thank you. I love the Cheerios analogy !!
            I truly don’t think I will have a problem going completely NC once I’m divorced. When I’m done, that’s it, I’m done. It’s getting there that’s a challenge for me. ALTHOUGH, I would like to see the winner he winds up with, just one quick glance so I can have a laugh.
            With his substance abuse problems my family have all told me that if I divorce him, he’ll fall into the abyss and wind up dead shortly after. I could see that happening. I have to learn not to care.

            I spent last evening reviewing some of the documents I’ve been collecting for future divorce, I found myself thinking, “ are you fucking crazy for putting up with the shit he’s pulled all these years?!”
            If a stranger handed them to me and asked my opinion I’d likely tell them, “ what in God’s name are you still doing there?!” In a million years I’d never had believed I’d tolerate any of it. Chipped away bit by bit not understanding what was happening or why I felt the way I did so many times.
            I’m no pushover, I always applied logic to everything, thought things through, except with HIM, because nothing he did was logical. It was mind fuckery.
            Very sobering when you’re looking at a timeline of events in black and white.

            As always your replies are so very much appreciated. Think I’d be completely lost if it weren’t for all the wonderful people in this forum, and of course HG .

            🙂

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Stop reviewing and start doing.

          3. WhoCares says:

            Tired,

            I agree with HG, “start doing” – but I am glad you are applying logic to your husband’s behaviours, specifically.

            When I am subjected to having to review court/legal documents in my case – it is the same reaction – who is this person in black & white and on paper?

            And you ask yourself: why did I not *see* it?

            Do not self-blame or berate yourself. Soooo many of us did not *see* it. The answer to that line of questioning is answered through HG’s work – not in reviewing the past and wondering where exactly you went wrong.

          4. Tired says:

            Whocares,

            Thank you. It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one who felt that way.
            I think I am applying logic more now with his current and past behaviors. I wouldn’t have known how to if not for this blog.i have a long way to go to stomp out my ET, but I’ve a good head start.

            Apologise if I already replied to you and it just hasn’t been posted yet . I can’t keep track of where and what I posted. I’m not getting all my notifications. Sometimes I don’t see replies straight away.

        3. lisk says:

          I have to back you up on this, Tired.

          We did have power and we did give it away.

          I was devalued and “disengaged” from. So, I gave away my power all the way until the “end.”

          Are you going to do the same?

          1. Tired says:

            Hello Lisk !

            I’m not sure I understand the question.
            If you mean am I still giving my power away, I suppose I am to some degree because I’m still with him?
            He’s put a chokehold on the finances the past few months so that limits what I might have wanted to do. Doesn’t matter much right now anyway because of being on lockdown. Everything is closed , and I haven’t visited with family because of the virus.
            There are certain things here I dug my heels in on ( can’t say here what things) and he’s acquiesced to them. I think because he knew if he didn’t that would have been the end of us , without question. I would not have tolerated some of those things.
            That’s what I meant when I said it seems he is aware of how far he can push me. Everyone has a breaking point, myself included.
            I have never been a doormat for him, I’ve always spoken my mind straight away. I’ve only kept my mouth shut this time because I’m gathering evidence in anticipation of the end of the marriage.
            It’s probably a big reason why I feel physically ill so often now , I’m internalizing all the BS instead of confronting the fucker.

          2. lisk says:

            Sounds like your answer to my question is “no.”

            I hope your evidence-gathering is not too prolonged and that you can change you handle soon.

        4. Kristin says:

          Tired,
          “I both fear an end to this marriage and welcome it at the same time.”
          “Some days I wish he’d dish out a massive devaluation and disengagement to me, because I’d pull the plug and get rid of him.”

          I am right there with you. Keep moving forward and absorb as much as you can from HG and those here. You will be amazed at how clear things will become over time and realize that it was not your fault and out of your control. They suck you dry and it is all you can do to keep your head above water. I am glad you are here and you will continue to learn something new each day. 😊

          1. Tired says:

            Kristen ,

            Thank you. I am reading a lot. I’m thinking of things that happened 34 years ago and just realising what it was all about. Plenty of Ah Ha moments lately.
            I am going to consult with HG .
            Sucking us dry seems to be a very common theme amongst narcs , I told my narc that very same thing years ago .

            I’m hoping that your escape from your narc is 100% successful in your favour. I think with help from HG and strategic planning it will be.
            It’s not easy taking the leap , as I’m sure you know, but we are better off without them.
            They’ll never change.

        5. Fiddleress says:

          Tired
          I agree with you, and I remember thinking it would indeed be easier if he would only do as you say: “Some days I wish he’d dish out a massive devaluation and disengagement to me”.

          Re “I chained myself too”, I could have kicked myself for this as well.
          And it makes me think of what I received yesterday through e-mail: April 6th was the seven hundredth Anniversary of the Declaration of Arbroath, whereby the Scottish Lords (Lairds) swore never to yield their power to the English Lords, but fight for their freedom always.
          Replace the word “English” with “Narcissists”, and there you have your battle cry:

          “For, as long as 100 of us remain alive, never will we on any conditions be subjected to the lordship of the English. It is in truth not for glory, nor riches, nor honours that we are fighting, but for freedom, for that alone, which no honest man gives up but with life itself.”

          1. Tired says:

            Fiddler,

            I love that! I’ve copied it and will read it daily to draw strength from it . Thank you!
            🙂

    2. vanessa McClain says:

      I have seen this fake cry, many many times. There is no substance to it at all and it usually has nothing to do with pertaining to you, it’s all about them. I have seen mine fake cry, as a pity play of being so hurt that I could want to leave him.

    3. lisk says:

      Very true, Tired.

      That is exactly what I mourn.

    4. Hey Tired. I think you make a good point about feeling stupid enough to buy it. I’m fortunate in that I don’t have any experience of being emotionally involved with a narc in my day to day life. So my experience is likely pale in comparison. My interactions are online, but for hours, over a very prolonged period of time. I’m still not entirely sure what I’m dealing with tbh. Is he? Or isn’t he? He certainly doesn’t appear to fit the profile in many respects but in others shockingly so. Rarely answers questions, rewriting history, disappeared three times and showed back up a few months later. But after each disappearance I get the same feeling, grief, but also shame. (You were an idiot, revealed too many of your own thoughts, all of those hours spent were just a lie. ) It feels embarrassing, like you’ve been taken for a ride all the while him laughing at what you shared. Hopes, confidences, thoughts. I don’t think the fault is mine, as it isn’t yours. You’re just a nice person. Nice people believe the best in people. So don’t be sad, embarrassed or afraid. You’ll leave when it’s time. Hopefully a time of your choosing, not his.

      1. Tired says:

        Truthseeker,

        Count your blessings you don’t live with your narc . Living it 24/7 is brutal.
        I understand even though your relationship sounds more long distance, your interactions with him are still painful nonetheless. The future faking, the pity plays, the manipulations, the disappearing acts and wondering what you did wrong that they’ve ignored you.
        No fault of yours in sharing your thoughts with him, you thought it was mutual. They are masters at mirrors, you saw yourself in whatever thoughts he shared with you. They are the biggest Liars I’ve ever encountered.

        I hope you are able to go completely NC with your narc, trust me , you don’t ever want to live with him on a permanent basis.
        Leaving mine at a time of my choosing, and not his, is something I wish too.

        Tired 🙂

  6. vanessa McClain says:

    Taking what is not theirs to begin with, just pisses me off in the first place, enough to not give a damn. I mean some of us have built a life for ourselves without the narcs help
    and to come into someone’s life and steal what does not belong to them, characteristics, home, self worth, what have you. Makes me so damn angry! Why should I give a damn if they turn around and walk out the door because I have grieved worse things. Ouch that burns my arse! How can I be an empath and go into such a rage like this. Just thinking it and knowing it. Always, trying to walk by you or stand behind you, like your the one doing wrong. Always making comments about you being on your phone, but they are the ones doing the wrong the whole time.

  7. FYC says:

    “The first loss is the loss of who you thought we were.”

    This is so true of all narcissists, even familial. It takes time to realize that there really is no truth to the manipulations and facade. I would add that once the true nature of the N is known, you begin to quickly identify the influence of the N on your perceptions of others that the N either paint black or white. You then grieve what life would have been like if NOT under the influence of the N.

    Romantically speaking, the loss of who we think someone is and the hopes bolted to that potential is significant. When total destruction of belief in the N ensures, the loss felt is great, even though what actually existed was entirely a mirage, an illusion, a performance and never existed at all.

    1. Renarde says:

      Well said, FYC

      1. FYC says:

        Thank you, Renarde, and thank you for reading past the typos!

        1. Renarde says:

          FYC

          No worries! You should’ve seen mine the other day!

    2. Lorelei says:

      FYC—there is indeed grief involved in this. When it hit me that everyone romantically (serious relationships) were narcs & my father, it was like lightening struck. It’s been interesting to say the least. Btw—the new kitty is my new gem. She’s perfect. I still can’t believe my father killed my cat. It’s no wonder I started out way behind the curve on recognizing abnormal dispositions. It makes sense indeed.

      1. FYC says:

        Dear Lorelei, Your father was terribly cruel. That should never happy to anyone or any cat. I am so sorry for all the abuse you have endured. For the empath (owning to our addiction) we are often surrounded by narcissists, but thanks to HG we have our Ultra ENVG-B Narc Vision goggles so we are well equipped and prepared to identify and avoid Ns and maintain Zero Impact going forward. You have taken the brave move to recreate your world anew and you have rescued a precious (and beautiful!) life to give your love to. Your cat will not let you down (but it may give you a silent treatment or two!). I think your new girl is a great addition to your family.

        1. Lorelei says:

          Thanks FYC! I accidentally emailed the cats “re-homing” photo meant for the rescue to HG! (He populates in my email—you know what I mean) He doesn’t even like animals!
          Yes, my father was very very disordered. I’m not sure how we all turned out high (quasi) functioning. Seriously. He was a sick man, the weird punishments etc. My mother was very ill too, enmeshed in insanity. I feel like I’ve had one foot in bonkers land & one in the normal world forever, and I truly have. I am not sure what this will look like in even another year, but things are a world apart from last year.

          1. FYC says:

            Lorelei, If I were to predict, I would say you will finish your program and will have you sights set on a new job (are you thinking private practice?). You will continue to find new peace in your life and your kids will too. Of course you will still be here on the blog with us. Maybe you’ll get a companion rescue for your white beauty. Hehe. I really don’t know. I do know this: It will be whatever you decide. Shut the door on any craziness and create the life you want and really deserve. The only limits you will have will be the healthy ones you set for yourself. You are strong and you will succeed. Oh, and please leave those lessers alone!

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