The Seven Sins of the Empath´s Self Doubt
In the beginning you are resourceful, confident and independent. Those attributes are there with no need for brazen displays but rather they exist in an understated and quiet manner. Then we arrive. The imposition of our manipulations is designed to bring life to these seven sins in order to leave you susceptible to our further machinations and control. These doubts will enable us to hoover you, draw fuel from you and maintain that connection we rely on to further our own ambitions.
- Is it actually my fault?
We will have you asking yourself and pondering whether what has happened is your fault. Did you do something to attract someone like us? Did you miss some sign which you ought to have seen and therefore it is your own failing which has caused you to be exposed to our control and abuse? We will have you analyse your behaviours as you become burdened with guilt. We are the experts in shifting the blame and through the repeated application of denial, deflection and projection, we will avoid any and all culpability for our actions, leaving them to impact on you. It must be your fault if we are so adamant that it is not our fault. The conviction by which we pin the blame on you will have you questioning yourself. It is natural for you to always reflect on your own behaviour, that is central to who you are and we know this. Add to this our incessant blame-shifting and this steady drip drip drip of the accumulation of blame will eventually take its toll and you will start to accept the blame and regard yourself at fault.
- Did I love him enough?
How many times have you been told, “You would do it if you loved me,” or “You wouldn’t do that if you actually loved me like you say you do”. You face the ultimate in supposed love through our love bombing and it sheer scale of apparent passion, affection and love would cause anything else to pale by comparison. You will always have this thrown in your face as we tell you time and time again about how much love we have shown for you, how we have loved you beyond anything else and nobody could love you any more than we do. Is it any wonder when faced with such repeated assertions and the behemoth that we are of love that you will query whether you gave enough love towards us? Perhaps we behave the way we do because we feel that we love you more than you love us? We will certainly tell you that and because you are such a devotee of love you will feel obligated to try to match what you have received. You cannot do so because the love we exhibit is smoke and mirrors, easy to conjure up, easy to say and what you understand as love takes more effort, but this will not stop you always wondering whether you do enough and whether a little more love might just be the solution that is needed to make everything perfect again. Thus, we keep you hanging on and trying all the harder.
- Was I wrong to leave?
This nagging doubt has to be created by us on order to keep alive the prospect of hoovering you. We know that you possess a near indefatigable spirit that causes you to stay and try to make things rights. So often it us that brings about the cessation (albeit temporary) of our relationship and we discard you. On the rare occasion where you decide that you have had enough and make a break for the border, to free yourself of our poisonous influence, we know that you will have reservations about doing so. You do not like to give up on people. You like to succeed. You desire for success is not the same as our self-centred drive for achievement but rather your success sf for other people and we know this. We know that you want to achieve resolution, that is why we lead you around the houses and up the garden path with our circular arguments. We know that you prefer to achieve an outcome, hence why we never fully answer questions, deflect and deny. This desire for a conclusion means that should you ever walk away from us we know you will be plagued by some guilt that you should not have done it. What if he could have been helped? What if he could change? What if he needed your help? Such doubts will manifest and mean that when we loom large as we seek to hoover you, this desire to leave nothing hanging (along with a host of other manipulative methods designed to get you to return) will leave you susceptible to being hoovered back into our twisted world.
- Should I have given him another chance?
Maybe if you had given us another chance (to add to the dozen or so that you have already given us) then the outcome might have been different? You invested so much and you gave us so many chances, perhaps you have cut loose too soon? Maybe one more chance was all that was required and now you are left wondering if you have made a mistake and lost the opportunity to help us and resolve our problems. Perhaps you had better try again and give that further chance? It would be such a shame not to do so, especially after all the effort you have put in? This might have been the point at which everything clicked and we finally made the changes and gained the understanding and insight that is required to return to a permanent golden period. You want to see good happen, we know this and therefore we know that you have that nagging itch that if you just gave us another chance this might be the one that is required to get us past the post. It won’t be, but we like to engender this hope in your mind so that you succumb to this doubt and return to us to try again. And again. And again.
- What if someone else makes him happy?
Have I been too hasty in making my escape? What if he finds someone else and she makes him happy? It shows it can be done and I let him go and now someone else is going to get the benefit of that wonderful golden period and she might get it all the time. Why should she get this when you have endured both the black with the golden? You are entitled to receive the golden period again surely? Perhaps it was something you had done and now she knows what to avoid because he will tell her what you did in the relationship and she will avoid making your mistake and reap the reward. How is that fair? Why should she benefit from the pain you have endured? It is your golden period and you want it back because it felt so wonderful. In fact, having checked his Facebook page for the sixth time today there seems to be a lot of mutual liking of one another’s posts between him and some new lady, whoever she is. What’s going on there? Has he found someone new already? Could she be the one? You had better act and do so quickly to avoid someone else getting the golden period for good. Why not ring him and arrange to meet up? Head her off at the pass? Yes, we instil such doubts in your mind in order to have you come back to us once more.
- Maybe I didn’t help him as much as I could have
There was something clearly wrong with him but maybe he could not help doing all those things. Perhaps something terrible once happened to him and this is why he behaves in such an abhorrent manner? Surely you should show some compassion and understanding in order to help him be free of whatever demons that plague him, after all, are you not a kind and considerate person. This is what you do isn’t it? Help people. You should not run out on him now, he needs you and you are the only one who can save him. Just be understanding, help him, give him what he needs and then together you can overcome whatever it is that has taken hold of him. You have seen him bleed, he is human just like you and it is help that he needs not condemnation. Yes, what he did to you was terrible but what if that could not be helped, what if he was trying to ask for your help and did not know how to ask for it? Now you have walked away from him, right when it is his hour of need. That’s not very empathic is it? That isn’t who you are. You are kind and caring, a healer. Go back and apologise and help him. Submit to his demands and help him walk through his personal hell, surely it is the least you can do, yes?
- Did I deserve it?
You spoke out of turn too many times so what did you expect him to do? He is a proud man and it was inevitable he would lash out. If you had not been so weak, you would have not annoyed him. Perhaps if you had done more of what he wanted, gone along with his demands just for the sake of quiet, things would have been drastically different? If you had not been so stubborn or had tried to change him? If you had not tried to mother him? If you had tried to mother him? If you had been someone else? If you had stayed true to yourself? If you had been more like his mother? Less like his mother? More like her? Less like her? You did try but somehow you always seemed to rile him and then the insults and assaults would fly. Maybe if you had kept a civil tongue in your mouth it would have turned out differently? Perhaps if you had tried to look at things from his perspective more often rather than thinking about yourself, then the outcome would have been better? You wish you were stronger and you needed to be stronger for both you and him, but you weren’t and that must the reason he treated you the way he did. Your weakness irritated him. Maybe if you had not been so pathetic then he would have continued to love you like he once did. Perhaps if you had not fought back when he was despondent he would not have felt the need to put you in your place. Maybe you just did not do enough of what he needed because you were too busy focussing on how you felt and that is why it all came tumbling down? Maybe you failed to understand him because you were too wrapped up in yourself? Maybe, just maybe, you got what you deserved?
15 thoughts on “The Seven Sins of the Empath´s Self Doubt”
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Goodness. This was my life. For 18 years.
I cannot count the times I lost it with the UMS-P. I used to beg, plead, scream, shout. When I left, the monumental guilt I had was off the scale. I’d broken the family. But I had to get away. I had to get my children away.
I torpedoed my career so that he could have his. What a fool I was. But I loved him. We had grown up together. The chances I had. When I talked to him about this matter, he would give me a PST. It was like talking to a brick wall.
Most middles have some nounce about protecting the facade. He didnt because he had strands of psychopathy in the mix. This utterly confused me for a long time until Hg delineated it for me. Then I understood.
His IPPS is not like me. She allows him to get away with stuff that I simply would not tolerate. In the words of his mum (Narc, M possibly Elite), she is twitterpated. If she doesnt escape then it will be grim reaper time. It’s that close.
Anyway. Most of you reading dont have the added burden of psychopathy. Good thing too.
Hello Renarde, I often wondered about a MMR family member. I wonder if she has some elements of psychopathy. She is basically the black sheep and while there are 2 other (lower scale N in the mix), she is the one that no-one likes. The facade isn’t too squeaky clean.
I am glad to hear you are free and the children!
Narc Noob
Thankyou for your kind words but he took my children. After I had a complete breakdown including suicide attempt, he took them. Not seen my daughter in well over a year and my son for over nine months.
Of course the smear was going on long before I left him. The movers and shakers in my uni friends believed him. Not all did though but enough.
He was always considered an odd ball. He rode off the back of my work and my fathers money. He took the children and moved to an area of England where he wasnt known. His family have form for this.
Of course he poisoned their minds
I am the man hungry unstable female who prioritised cock above my babies. All of it was rubbish. He couldnt bare the thought I might find others attractive. I’ve never run after men. They chase me. Matters not. The truth will out.
Hes a deluded fool. I’ve dedicated my life to exposing domestic abuse and violence. My words speak for themselves. In time it WILL come out in the wash. It always does.
You say intresting things. Psychopathy.
It adds an interesting twist.
Psychopaths, unaware, are very probably not liked. They cannot attract friends and equally they do not want them either. All narcs want their lieutenants though. With the ex, he had none. But he did bully a man who he worked with. I met him once. A bag of neurosis. I learned from the children that he had become a friend. I also know what he did to him. It wasnt pretty.
If there is anybody to blame in all of this, it’s his mother. My god. What she did and perhaps more importantly what she allowed to happen when he and his brother and sister growing up was off the scale.
I’ll end but I just want you to know you havnt offended me with regards to children.
Keep on asking questions because you are on the right track.
Renarde:
I can just imagine what he did to that “friend.” However, some psychopaths do well enough in school, because mid range teachers are so dim. I was “friends” with the school psychopath for a while. I learned with people like that, you want to be neither friends nor enemies. Be vaguely polite, but don’t get to know them or let them know you. Of course, it’s not always easy to spot them, but if they get away with all kinds of things everybody knows they did by giving teachers/parents that sincere look, and saying calmly, “Oh no, Ms. So-and-so; I don’t know who could have done a thing like that,” that’s a classic sign. An ordinary kid, whether guilty or innocent, will stridently deny everything and get increasingly defensive.
Oh they do Vi. Absolutely.
I was teaching a kid. Knew him from 12 years or so. Intelligent. No doubt but he was a cocky sod.
Was in my A Level Physics class. Used to come in late. With coffee. Banned. Disrupted the lesson. The amount of times I told him to get out. I am NOT teaching you. End of. You are disrupting the class for others who want to learn. I’m not having that. It’s not fair. Off he skulked.
Got him once in my office. Alone. He said he wanted to hurt me. Frightening.
Of course I had been relaying this boys attitude to my line manager. One day, he took him to onside. Just the three of us. I opened my mouth to speak and my manager cut across me. After the lad had gone he apologised. Said, did you not see what he was doing? He was grinding his jaw. A tell. So my boss saved me and removed the miscreant from my class. The only time it’s ever happened.
I think he probably had traces of psychopathy. Was the son of a single mum. Unusual. Good looking too and tall. Was he aware? Probably not. I’d say UME.
Renarde, I am so sorry to hear that. My heart breaks, I must have mis-read your first post. I also have the mindset that most will come unstuck at some point, and if they don’t, the victims at least will get some further insight. I trust this will be true for your situation.
I am not good with words, just a good listener. HUGS from another mother xo
Thank you.
He will come unstuck. Has to. Just a question of time. But thanks to Hg, I’m aware. But no money can compensate for him robbing me of those precious moments when my children were growing up.
Renarde–when you say strands of psychopathy what precisely do you mean? (If it is ok to ask) How did this impair his façade? I am still confused a little on where narcissism breaks off of psychopathy vs. the addition of sadism. (sadism with or without psychopathy as well)
Lorelei
It’s a good question. I’m not even sure I can provide the answers. Hg knows best.
What I can say is that there was very little facade management. He didnt give a stuff about what people thought of him. Had next to no friends and wasnt interested in that either despite my urgings. I had to nag him endlessly to call his mother (M possibly E).
He was quiet. Not a mover in our uni friends. Kept himself to himself. He wasnt shy, he simply did not care.
Hg is charming but the UMS wasnt. In fact he struggled to talk to others. I had to coach him through a presentation he needed to give at work.
When put under pressure he had a very slight stammer. He couldnt think on his feet.
I truly think that what his mother did to him when younger moulded him into what he now is. A sexually sadistic psychopath. He would have always been a N (just like his brother) but he had the predaliction to psychopathy.
His new IPPS is nowhere near my level of intelligence and that will be her downfall. When we were together, I ruled the roost. Now that he is finally in charge, I shudder to think where it will go.
She is a submissive. They found each other on Fetlife. He says jump and she responds how high?
He has now got something he never had with me. Total hegemonic control. And it’s gone to his head. Even his first cousin said hes now up his own arse.
This ain’t going to end well. I have a picture of her, totally naked and trusssed up like the proverbial christmas turkey in the back of his car.
So really the question is, what is it like living with a psychopath? The majority of the time it was fine. Barely any manipulations. We got on very well. But he didnt love me. And I sensed it. Which was why I left.
These are really effective on empaths who have been gaslit before, especially by a parent. Neither of my parents accepts blame for anything; I always had to take the blame. It’s something you get used to. When I broke up with my narc ex, even other people were happy to point out that my ex was such a nice guy that I probably did something to deserve it. You have to decide for yourself that there are things that NO ONE deserves. When my last narc encounter resulted in being called mentally ill, unstable, strange, unreasonable, jealous, etc. I realized that it couldn’t possibly be my fault and walked away. The question isn’t whether or not it is you. The narc wants you to get stuck there. The question is whether ANYONE deserves to be treated the way the narc is treating you. People who care about you don’t talk to you like this, period.
Ashley,
Correction. #1 USED to be you!
Aww thanks Kim e 💖
Well said Kim.
Ashley, get yer tenses right my lovely!
Haha aww thanks Renarde ❤
#1 is me!