Can You Have A Successful Intimate Relationship With A Narcissist?
Surely you can, yes? Just heap on the compliments. Or maybe be completely compliant? Or maybe you need to follow a lot of the awful ‘advice’ out there about how you can control/manipulate/co-exist with the narcissist. Or you could get weaponised and listen to this instead.
Listen to the insight here
27 thoughts on “Can You Have A Successful Intimate Relationship With A Narcissist?”
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Have you ever had that one person that was always in your life? Aside from all the relationships, flings, affairs… was there a person through it all? The constant in your equation. The one that saw you for what you are yet decided to be there regardless. They declared a truce with you. An actual friendship.
Indeed I have.
And no longer? Why did you let them go? Sounds like the most successful relationship with a narcissist.
Who said I let them go?
I interpreted your response “Indeed I have” as being past tense. Versus “I do” meaning you currently still have this person in your life.
Then your interpretation was incorrect, Love.
Different strokes for different folks.
Still wrong though.
“…Have you ever had that one person that was always in your life? Aside from all the relationships, flings, affairs… was there a person through it all? The constant in your equation. The one that saw you for what you are yet decided to be there regardless. They declared a truce with you. An actual friendship.
Indeed I have…”
Is it someone you’ve known since you were a child?
Yes.
Last year when I left my psychopathic boyfriend he was very much alone. His friendships and relationships are shallow and parasitic. I actually felt really bad for him; however I remembered he would not feel that way for me if the roles were reversed and he would let suffer. I was filled with rage but has moments of sadness for him because I pitied him. It didn’t change the fact I had to take care of myself and being with him in any capacity didn’t benefit me in any way – it only hurt me.
Sometimes you have to take that empathy and shove it down and put yourself first because they sure as shit won’t do it.
“Can you have a successful intimate relationship with a narcissist”
Well, that depends on what you consider to be a successful intimate relationship.
There are plenty of disordered people that have successful relationships as defined by themselves. I don’t judge them but I surely recognize that their relationship dynamic is not one I would want for myself.
Personally, it doesn’t work for me. I wasn’t put on this earth to serve someone else’s needs. I’m not an object and won’t allow myself to be objectified. I know my worth and I know I’m much better than that. So I will let my narcy traits shine right when I say it is beneath me to allow myself to be with someone who doesn’t give to me or value me as a person in a relationship. I want someone who is supportive and is loyal in the relationship (among many other things) so there is no way a situationship would work out for me.
I say situationship to be kind because the truth is the correct word for it would be parasitic. A relationship is reciprocal. I don’t want someone taking from me and not adding true value into my life.
I do have empathy for narcissists and I can understand to some degree the struggle they go through on a daily basis. I have seen some improve a bit under my care (it depends how you define success and improvement).
Remember, just because you can empathize doesn’t mean you should take abuse. It is my opinion that you don’t get a free pass to be abusive to people because bad shit has happened to you in your life. I can understand it and feel for it but I’m not going to sit there and take someone’s abuse. This life is far too short to be sitting there being someone’s punching bag and living for another person who doesn’t even value you. Value yourself enough to know you are worth more than being an extension of someone else and being treated like an emotional punching bag.
I think it’s important to write down what you value in a relationship as well as your needs in a relationship. I would then think about if yourself partner matches up with those values and satisfies your needs (or most of them).
For me, I can confidently say it would not work out between a narcissist and myself. I wouldn’t want it to.
A successful intimate relationship which is unaffected by the flawed logic of emotional thinking, i.e. thinking it is acceptable to remain The Other Woman to someone who is married and picks you up and puts you down at will and does not value you or someone who you married who belittles you and never supports you or someone who never takes an interest in what you do and demands that you support their every endeavour or someone who flirts with other people and has sex with them behind your back but treats you like a princess most of the time or someone who kicks seven shades of shit out of you but gives you a flash car, a big house and four holidays a year. Take your pick and there’s thousands of others.
Tudes,
We are on the same page. Lol
Jolly good, carry on.
I was actually gonna write out something similar to what you just wrote and you did it for me. Thank you lol.
Pah, that does not wash, earn your own credit Drunken Bambi!
Hey,
I’ll be drunken bambi if you want – why not Lmao
It’s time for Alexis to be drunk. I’ll never again be able to drink Absolut Raspberry vodka with black cherry seltzer. I have trauma.
HG, this one comment, for me, sums the narcissistic relationship up perfectly.
It is genius (and probably took you less than a minute to type).
I have saved it and will read it often.
Many thanks x
You are welcome. Do make use of it.
What do you mean by, “the struggle they go through on a daily basis”? Can you share more about that please?
I actually wonder who is more pathetic – I think it is me, as I keep trying, while knowing full well that he is a narcissist. I keep feeling closeness, and intimacy, and that I want to spend a lot of time with him in the same space, and that it all feels well (I usally don’t like sharing the same space with other people for a longer time ….).
So, first I had blocked him twice, of course had gotten disappointed again in between, then believed after I had contacted him again after half a year, that our weekend together had been great, and that he, too, enjoyed it a lot and that I am at least his closest friend, the person he talks to, most. Goes on writing messages, restating that he wants friendship plus ….. that he hadn’t met anyone at all during this lockdown, which I believe to be true … from all information I could gather, and by the looks of him, lol, having put on a lot of weight, gotten really lazy.
So, here I am, had visited him for another wonderful, extended weekend, glad to be able to be close to anyone again at all, thought he would be just as glad, and that we could enjoy time together for a few days. Only for him, to on the one hand share his bed, and cuddles, and I could touch him and all — but refused to have sex after 2 quick times, saying, that he thinks that I want more from him than just sex and friendship, and therefore, we shouldn’t have sex anymore. While reacting to me, and all … but staying cold, not letting it happen. I told him for a year now that I dont want a relationship with him, due to his overall behaviour, and not adding much to my life … and for a year now, he ignores what I say but keeps repeating that he thinks that I love him and that I want a relationship. I don’t, either. I don’t understand why he keeps saying that, and the only reason he gave me, was, that I had complained about him ignoring me in bed next to him, and that he was on his phone, texting. Saying still that he only had played games, and texted in group chats. Which just isn’t true, I have seen the messages.
So, who is pathetic, me, for still kind of almost begging him, trying to get him to be nice again … he treats me like shit, doesn’t care at all how I am, but I keep trying and trying to get the good days back, when we felt just PERFECT together.
Why??? do I feel intimacy, and closeness, when there isn’t really any, when this seems to be totally interchangeable for him?! WHAT is wrong with me?! And why can’t I manage for the life of me to have NICE men in my life, like, not ever?
You can. You utilise my work and you follow my direction. Your problem is, Ava101, that you do not do so, hence you end up in these situations. There is nothing wrong with you, there is everything wrong with the choices you are making because you are being governed my emotional thinking. It is time for you to say enough and do something about it.
I had gone no contact, but didn’t meet a single normal, nice man since then, — since September. Not before that either.
What is the logical step – to say he doesnt give me what I need, he is not nice enough most of the time, and he has a personality disorder, — so go on meet other men, I do NOT feel close to?
But why do I FEEL closeness, when there is none? I know, I have asked that question 100 times already. I think I might be messed up in fact, feeling more comfortable with people who keep their distance.
Ava, just a question if you don’t mind me asking: was/is one of your parents a narcissist? I am asking because “feeling more comfortable with people who keep their distance” is something that I can totally relate to. I was the same. I came to the conclusion that it was because I was scared of being known by someone else (in a romantic relationship), as I thought it would then be easy for them to destroy me, just as my N mother did – she left me with no trust that anyone could love me if they really knew. I felt totally unworthy as a person, among other things. (This has changed, is changing, for me.) Does this ring any bell for you?
Ava, you might be messed up, and so are a lot of us, but the best thing to do is get out now and deal with your messed-upness later.
I’m never been attracted to nice, normal men. Like so many women, I prefer bad boys, or at least snarky ones, with what Nabokov called “a perfect lovesong of wisecracks.” Look how many men prefer hot crazy chicks like Amber Heard or Angelina Jolie, then are astonished when they mess up their lives.
If I can’t change that, then I had better do without. I’m not very happy about that prospect. I’m not casual, so I can’t just do one-offs with bad boys without trying to have a relationship.
I could agonize for hours about where my wiring got fucked up (dysfunctional family? My school’s “Boys will be boys” response to bullying? Reading bodice rippers when the hormones were just starting to pump? Too many Hollywood screwball comedies? Too many grunge videos? Some weird evolutionary development that makes us want to bang/breed with people who would make neither good parents nor good spouses just because they seem powerful?)
I’m not sure it’s possible to change it: maybe it’s like “Conversion therapy” for gay people. And I understand how bleak the alternatives seem: a) settling for someone who doesn’t turn you on, and having your indifference to turn into active resentment and disgust instead of growing into love; or b) being alone forever.
This guy had sex with you “two quick times”–were you physically satisfied, or just he was?
Didn’t he basically rape you in your sleep?
He doesn’t even deserve to be used for sex, because the sex he’s giving ain’t that great.
I don’t know what the solution for your entire life is, but I think I know what HG would say about this guy in particular: GOSO and No Contact. You can’t do anything about the rest of your life while you’re tangled up in this.