Why the Narcissist Downgrades
“HG, I am decent-looking, have a good job, I am intelligent, caring, fun and interesting. I dress well, I am a dab hand at cooking and nobody has ever complained about my bedroom skills. He has left me for THAT! Why?!”
It is a refrain I have often heard.
Why, when the narcissist could have you, did he go? Why did he choose somebody who appears inferior to you in so many different ways?
What is so good about her or him?
Where have you gone wrong?
Why on earth has he chosen her over you?
Why has the narcissist downgraded?
This gives you the answers. It will not only help you understand, it will make you feel a whole lot better too.
3 thoughts on “Why the Narcissist Downgrades”
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The answer is super simple, it is because the supply they get from this person is abundant. The control over that person is easy and what controls them is obvious to the narc. Not much effort is required for the production of fuel received.
I worked for an Ultra Narc for 8 years (worst 8 years but the job market was awful and I couldn’t make the change of employment). During our 8 years together, my narc boss (who was an attorney) enjoyed the benefits of all my grunt work as his paralegal, he enjoyed the jealous stares of the other attorneys because I am quite attractive and competent as an assistant, he enjoyed the comments his clients would make about me, there were many residual benefits he gained from my presence. I experienced all his nasty tirades, gaslighting, then the love bombing (within the confines of a non-intimate relationship) when he felt he was losing control. I had enough and basically did not need the job financially anymore so I quit.
My Narc Boss spent time over the next 5 years offering me various jobs so that we could work together again. No way was I going to do that. Then he tried the Hail Mary pass (so to speak), a sweet text message telling me that he always loved me, loves me still and will always love me but knew I would never leave my husband. This was too delicious to pass up so I egged him on. I enjoyed his love bombing texts, professions of love, it was soooo delicious to have him under my thumb because he was trying to control me but I was not giving him what he wanted. Physical touch, a kiss – he wanted something to draw me in so that he felt he had control. I wouldn’t give it. Then at one of our very expensive lunch dates, he tried to triangulate me with a Latin female. He loved talking to Latin females from central and south America, who are decades younger and quite excited to be wooed by an American attorney. They have always provided him with fuel (admiration, quick sex and jealousy) and then he brings them to the US and the abuse begins until he is discards them. In our 8 years working together, I saw him go through 3 of those. I acted as if I didn’t hear his side conversation on a facetime call with his new excited victim who was meandering at that moment through the airport on her way to his house (I have an understanding of the Spanish language that he didn’t realize), he returned to our lunch table and I ordered an expensive bottle of wine, enjoyed that with my meal, and gave him his just reward of a peck on the cheek (a drop of fuel but not what he wanted). I did not answer his follow up text after that (attempting to make more dates) and I know he has “downgraded” to the young, latin girl who is easily wooed by a man who she thinks has money, who thinks he finds her beautiful and the list goes on and on. Young, naive, full of themselves and easy to control. Lots and lots of juicy fuel for him. As for me, although I am bigger prey (so to speak) with lots of value within his own circles, I don’t give him the fuel he requires, he cannot flatter me, he cannot get much of a reaction either and finds me frustrating and difficult. That is the difference. That is why my silence has not been breached by any more texts from him. It is harder for him to extract what he needs from me.
But I can see if I didn’t know exactly what he was and I was fooled by all of this outward signs, I would be devastated, confused and full of questions instead of writing this comment, thinking back on my actions feeling quite amused.
My ex Narc explained it in a rare moment of honesty that he even admitted he was with her. She was “happy” to see him and all I do is “fight” aka refuse to see him and let him use me to get his fuel. Plus I make him “feel bad” about his life and giving up and just doing drugs because “I made him the way he is”. Never mind the truth is I found him homeless and on drugs. I felt sympathy because he has brain damage from a car accident – sad situation. He is, and always was a Narcissist. I knew what he was when we were younger and dated. As a Empath I even warned the “downgrade” he would be physically abusive and will cheat/lie on the time, he loved it and though it was jealousy of course, but I felt bad for her. Felt no happiness, only sadness when it happened. My light doesn’t shine like others he claims every 3 weeks when he attempts reconnection. I laugh now…. yeah he used the I’m not shallow line. He is extremely shallow and berates women over their looks all the time.
Haha ! I did not have this experience. My narcissist goes for fairly average looking women. I liked this about him. Genuinely thought it made him seem less shallow 🙄 oh boy… what a rabbit hole that was… yes. Less shallow. Interested only in the empathetic traits he could exploit. However in the aftermath seeing who he’s been with… I keep thinking that he somehow manages to rope in these awesome, beautiful, intelleget, full of life women… just so he can suck the life out of them. What a waste of time for all of us when our light could be shone towards something or someone else !