How? Why? Who?

HOW-WHY-WHO

 

I have heard this said so many times, read about it from bewildered and perplexed people and know from experience the confusion that accompanies this question.

“But how could he do this to me after everything else? But why would he behave like this? But who would do such a thing as that? He said he loved me. I know he loved me. How does someone love someone else in such a perfect way and then act as if he does not even know them?”

I have written about how the empath likes to know everything. This is not because you are big-headed or wish to boast. You like to know everything in order to allow you to help. You need to understand a situation. It has to make sense to you. You must be able to comprehend what has happened and find some logical reason for the occurrence. This is why you spend so long trying to work us out. This is why when we are doling out the silent treatment you need to ascertain why we are doing it (I think now you understand we do it because we need to, not because there is a valid (according to your reality) reason for this behaviour). It is a natural empathic reaction. If you understand why something has happened you can then consider the ways in which it can be addressed, remedied and fixed. You want everything to be alright.

Accordingly, when our devaluation is unleashed against you it comes out of nowhere. Yesterday we held hands as we walked through the park together and kissed beneath the spreading oak. Today you have been subjected to a nasty period of name-calling and blaming. You are dumbfounded. Where on earth did that come from? In your reality it makes no sense at all. One minute every is okay,nothing changes but then suddenly we are being horrible to you. It just does not add up. It makes no sense. It gets worse.Not only does it not follow in a logical sense since our response (viewed in your reality remember) seems random, how can a person who says he loves you then batter you with his fists, lock you out of your home, sleep rape you, smash up your car, spit on you and so on? Not only is it not a normal sequence of events if you love somebody then you just do not do that, do you?

This is what makes it so difficult for you to comprehend. We have conned you into thinking that we loved you. We gave you the huge seduction and dazzled you with the golden period. We know what you perceive love to be and we gave it to you in spade loads all manufactured by Narc Inc. Our production line went into over time creating these false acts and hollow declarations of love but you fell for it. You always do. Accordingly, you were duped into thinking that we loved you so that when we begin to devalue you it flies completely in the face of what you understand to be the situation.

You will sit for hours with your close friends and recite example after example of all the wonderful things that we have said and done and then ask,

“How can he hurt me when he loves me so much?”

It is utterly perplexing. Naturally there is method in this madness. If it made sense, if there was a logical reason for this volte face you are more likely to accept it and walk away. This twisted and nonsensical logic is purposefully designed to keep you with us because:-

  • You must know what has happened and make sense of it
  • You want to make things right
  • You want the wonderful golden period again
All of this keeps you right besides us. Guess what? We dole out even more awful behaviour and it still does not make sense and you still do not go. We give you a glimpse of the golden period and your confusion increases. He does still love me I knew it. Then the door is slammed shut and you are left confused yet again but even worse this time, the brief return to the golden period has given you additional hope.
You still do not go.
For once, rather than looking at it through your own eyes, consider it from our point of view. The devaluation does not come out of nowhere. It does to you but not to us. It happens because you are not giving us our fuel in the strength, quantity and frequency we demand. That is the logic behind our change in behaviour.
Why is it then that we are able to hurt you when we love you so much? Again, look at it through our eyes and the answer is straight forward. We never loved you. Accordingly, we are not affected by what appears (in your world) to be a hurtful and contradictory shift in our behaviour. Let me help you further. To us you are just an appliance. Initially because this appliance does what we want we look after it. We clean it, maintain it and take pride in it. Then it goes wrong. It is too much effort to try and repair it.
We are horrible to you in order to make you work in a different way rather than trying to repair you to run as normal. Remember how people would slap the side of their television to make it work or give the washing machine a kick in the hope of causing it to run properly? You are just the same. You are an appliance and we give you a boot be it figurative or literal to make you provide us with fuel of a negative nature. We eventually get fed up that you are not working as we want you to so we chuck you on the scrap heap like so many discarded fridges, computers and washing machines. We have seen a new, shiny model which has attracted our attention instead.
So when you sit and wonder why this devaluation has happened, why our behaviour makes no sense and how can it be that someone who expresses such perfect love can be so hurtful, you know the answer. It makes no sense in your world but every sense in our world where you are just an appliance. Perhaps you had better start thinking about making some self-improvements and increasing your longevity yes?

 

40 thoughts on “How? Why? Who?

  1. “Perhaps you had better start thinking about making some self-improvements and increasing your longevity yes?”

    Or: when you know you go.

  2. Adri says:

    A

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Is for Alpha

      1. Adriana says:

        HG not sure why original comment didn’t post and only the A appeared.

        My original comment was this:

        My soon to be ex husband who I strongly suspect is a Narc told me the following right before filing for divorce

        The first was he said he had a dream that we separated and that I met a new guy and got pregnant by this new guy and he made it a point to let me know that I got pregnant by someone else he would not take me back.

        The second thing said right before he filed was he said we could date after we divorced seeing as we never really had the chance to do so in the beginning… I met him while he was going through his divorce and he already had 4 kids so the relationship developed really fast…

        Anyways my question is why would he make these comments? Is it to keep me from moving on in case his new supply doesn’t work out? Any insight is greatly appreciated. Thank you!

    2. Fiddleress says:

      Well… he didn’t quite sign like this, so I know you are not him.

  3. Adriana says:

    HG my soon to be ex husband of a Narc is in the process of divorcing me but right before leading to this he had made two comments to me which I have been trying to decipher.

    The first one was he said he dreamt that we had gone our separate ways and I had met someone else and got pregnant by this new guy and he told me that I then tried to get back with him and he said I won’t take you back if you get pregnant by someone else.

    The second was when he started the divorce process he mentioned how we should date after we divorce since we technically didn’t really date when we first met, obviously he rushes the relationship and since had 4 kids to begin with we spent most of the time doing family stuff.

    My question is this his way to keep me thinking that we still have a chance in the future in case things don’t work out his way or his new supply doesn’t work out?

    I still haven’t been served and haven’t even seen anything filed in the court system. He refuses to move out of the house but doesn’t talk to me at all. His mother who is his flying monkey lives with us and she does everything for him and backs him up 100%. He managed to turn coworkers against me as well. The smear campaign has worked to his favor except with my family. I do need to mention that I did end up cheating on him at one point in our marriage after years of mental, physical and sexual abuse which he denies it wholeheartedly. However, he has also cheated on me and just found out he was trying to cheat on me with a coworker of mine. But he blames me for the failure of our marriage. It’s obvious he is a narcissist and he is also leaving me now that he finally has a job. I supported us in the beginning when he didn’t have a job and then I came up with a plan on how he could get hired for the federal system and it worked but he won’t give me credit for any of the help I gave him. Instead he says I used him for his money. He’s only been working for two years out of the 5 we were together. He barely contributed to the household but is telling everyone the opposite. I know this is long but I need to know the point of those two first questions. Was he trying to put it in my mind that we can have a future together after the divorce and is this for his own selfish reasons?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Adriana,

      1. Obtain Divorcing the Narcissist – What to Expect, this is a central piece of your armour.
      2. His behaviour was Future Faking, using the future to control the now. If you wish to understand more about his behaviour in detail, the appropriate forum is through a consultation and I will be pleased to provide you with detailed insight through that mechanism.

  4. Fiddleress says:

    I thought I would share the following here, before I tear off the pages in my notebook where I wrote it – I thought I had purged every reminder the N (A., below), but I came across this today, to my surprise.
    Apologies about the length, and grandiloquent style, but I wrote these very words 2 or 3 days before the impulse to end my days seized me in mid-January, 2 weeks after telling him to leave me alone, and 2 weeks before my successful escape. Before I found narcsite.
    I *hope* it is helpful to some people. It shows that you can see things and be blinded at the same time. And that the only answer is “run like hell” as soon as possible.

    In square brackets are my words today:

    « I cannot collapse. Not now, not again.

    What is this hellish tension within me ? Leading me to want to send it all to hell ! All, everything : work, friends, love, sex.
    I cannot cope. Today, I cannot.

    It is unbearable. I need to break something, or something may break in me.
    The feeling is that I’m losing it. Losing my composure.
    My so ill-fitting calm [I always tried to look calm in front of him], and compromise with it all, and endurance with what is crushing me. (Us?) [Both of us – our mutual addiction ?]

    I am filled with rage ; unstoppable, unending rage.
    It seems to be soothed at times, only to well back up, threatening to take/sweep me away. I am trying so hard to remain sane. But it comes in waves, it feels like a tsunami.
    What is the cause of it ?
    – Thyroid ? To be checked with blood test [did the test – thyroid ok, of course]
    – Work and how angry it all makes me ? [My new boss had been causing problems to several colleagues. Could well be a Mid-Range N.]
    – A., from whom I had managed to feel detached on condition that he be nasty to me. [No question mark there…]
    And now that he is beginning to be kind again, it seems that my protective wall is being torn down. And it makes me so mad !
    I had closed up like an oyster, and was trying to lick my wounds, cut off from him.
    And now he turns around and is all nice again. Opening me up with the oyster knife, damaging my shell, forcing my wounds to show in broad daylight before I could even nurse them.

    What am I to do ? Am I falling into a trap again ? Is this what I am trying to fight off ?

    What am I to do ? He sends me text message on text message again. Alluring ones.
    I absolutely need to keep my distance, remain detached and remember that he is first and foremost SELFISH.
    He remains in touch with me only insofar as he reckons it can serve him. And when he is done, he will abandon me, let me down.
    « Friends » [he had started calling me ‘my dear friend’], I don’t think so. I shall keep myself to myself so he can’t judge me on anything.

    I shan’t say anything about myself, my inner life. Just talk about plain, bland facts, day-to-day innocuous events.

    I absolutely MUST protect myself from him. The madness is always just underneath the surface, and the devil can pop up at any time. »
    [His madness and devil : not a bad guess.]

    Thank you for reading.
    Now the pages from the notebook are going into the bin.

    1. lisk says:

      Don’t bin them! Burn them! (Burning pages is one hell–pardon the pun–of a cathartic process.)

      Thank you for sharing this, Fiddleress. It is so damn relatable. I have a feeling many of us might be able to put in brackets all the HG definitions that pop up throughout your notebook entries here.

      1. Fiddleress says:

        Haha Lisk, yes, I did think of burning them, but it didn’t seem so necessary now. And the torn up pieces are in the bin among the vegetable peel and coffee grounds, so I’ll leave them there.

        Indeed, as I re-read it, I had in mind everything that HG has taught us to recognise, so this gave me distance too !

        (Forgot one word in the second line, in previous post: reminder *OF*.)

        1. blackcoffee30 says:

          Write the N’s name and burn it or get a piñata. 😉😂

    2. Violetta says:

      “I need to break something, or something may break in me.”

      Got any feather pillows? Beat the shit out of them when that mood strikes. Good for the pillows and good for you.

      (I find blasting the Anti-Nowhere League and bouncing up and down in my living room helpful, but that doesn’t work for everyone.)

      1. Fiddleress says:

        Your post sent me to YouTube to listen to the Anti-Nowhere League – I’ll keep the bouncing up and down to it in mind, if there is a next time.

        I didn’t break or even beat anything in the end, I am sorry to say.

        I wrote that because I believed in the power of words to put at a distance what you feel in your guts, but even that didn’t work.

        Anyway, the garbage truck has taken the bin bag away. All’s well that ends well.

        1. Violetta says:

          😁

    3. Kristin says:

      Fiddleress,
      Thank you for sharing your journal entries. Given the pain you experienced, I am so glad that you were able to find your inner strength and escape. We all can relate to your pain and you have shown that you can come out on the other side. Perhaps it is a good thing that you found your notes because you can now see how far you have come and in turn, help others going through the same thing. 🤗

      1. Fiddleress says:

        Hello Kristin, thank you for your kind comment.
        When I found these notes the other day, I thought of the ‘lessons’ I have learnt here from HG, since then:
        * I had sent the N an e-mail on December 31st telling him I never wanted him to get in touch again (lesson 1: never tip off the N when you want to end the relationship).
        * I had deleted his number from my phone but not put it in the “blocked numbers” because it would still be accessible and I worried about being tempted to use it. Plus, I didn’t want my phone to be ‘infected’ with his number (pfff…). I actually thought he would not get in touch again; I still deluded myself that he had enough respect for what I told him, and that he would be wounded enough to leave me alone! (Lesson 2: block all avenues of communication, immediately. And change your number.) I was hoovered on January 3rd.
        * I wasn’t just falling into the trap, I was stuck in the middle of it: how can you still think of seeing someone and at the same time plan not to talk about anything but the weather? (Lesson 3: the addiction is brutal indeed and will make you do anything, from plain silly to downright harmful).

        It is lovely to see you around, Kristin. I hope you are keeping well.

        1. Fiddleress says:

          Grammar! the number *would still have been accessible*

        2. Fiddleress says:

          I meant “plan to talk about the weather only”.

        3. Kristin says:

          Fiddleress,
          You have come so far since December and handled surprise of finding your notes very well. I like how you have given lessons explaining what you have learned, that is invaluable. Addiction and ET are “brutal” but you have shown that by thinking logically, using what HG has taught us, it is possible to move forward even when the unexpected occurs. I think you should be the poster child of the month on narcsite! Thank you again for sharing your experience. 🤗

          I am doing well, thank you and continue to immerse myself in everything HG/narcsite daily. 💜

          1. Fiddleress says:

            Kristin, thank you! I am so glad to know that you are doing well.
            I didn’t mean to give any lessons, it was more of a way of acknowledging the lessons I have learnt here. But if it can help some people, then that is good.

            Poster child? Oh, my… Wait, I’ll just get my favourite black dress on, the one with no sleeves and tulle for the ‘skirt’ part, and my favourite earrings, the blue ones that match the colour of my eyes, Always a winner. I’ve just had my hair cut too (shortish, chesnut brown hair I have), so I will look just fine. Oh, and maybe some more perfume? Channel nr 5 is my favourite, might look good on the picture?

            Ok, so I am in a funny mood tonight. Your suggestion of me being the poster child just sent my mind reeling, and given my existing trait of vanity – not prominent, but still well entrenched – here’s me going ‘a little’ crazy!
            Seriously though, that was such a sweet thing to say.

            As for the logical thinking, it is more or less fine where that N is concerned, but I realise how much further I need to go, regarding my life in general.

            I take the opportunity of responding to your comment, Kristin, to ask something to you and everybody else: am I the only one who imagines the voices of the readers here? It might sound weird, but when I read comments here, I immediately associate a voice to them. Which is why I like to know where people live, because I also ‘hear’ the accents. Is it just me going completely bonkers, or is it the same for you? Anybody?
            I am very ‘oral’ (now don’t go taking it the naughty way, anyone!).

          2. Kristin says:

            Fiddleress,
            You are too funny! It is official then, June is your month so live it up. You’ve got everything you need to include a new haircut. Congratulations are in order 💄👗🍸. Perhaps we should call you Chanel from now on!

            I am not “very oral” 😅 but on the visual side as I am an artist. However, if I know someone is from a particular country I try to read their post in the corresponding accent! I’m glad I’m not the only one and I also try to picture how they look, so bonkers you are not! You sound quite lovely with your dark hair and blue eyes 🥰. Am a vertically challenged blonde with green eyes, from the south, that may or may not have a high-pitched voice that some find irritating. 😃 Let us know when you do the photo shoot, I’m sure it will be very glamourous. I mean how often do you get the chance to be a poster child, it is your time to shine.

          3. Ashley says:

            Awww you sound adorable, now I’m reading your comment in your southern accent & voice – love it! 😊💖 Sometimes I wish I were from the south because it fits my personality better!

          4. Kristin says:

            You’re sweet Ashley. Why don’t you go ahead and begin speaking with a southern accent just to complete the picture! 😊

          5. Ashley says:

            Hahaha I will practice my southern accent!😊

          6. Kristin says:

            As a side note, I don’t think I have a strong southern accent but my friends do. I’ve found myself pronouncing certain words with a “twang” though 😂

          7. Fiddleress says:

            Kristin
            There is another great thing about June: the extended Q&A on the 21st here. That date last year was when me and the N really started seeing each other, so as I have learnt from HG that we should beware of anniversaries of all kinds, I am pleased that I will be having a great time on this site, instead of reminiscing.

            It’s nice to be able to picture you (a little) with your description, and ‘hear’ the way you speak too. Blond hair and green eyes, this is beautiful. I had blond hair as a child, but that changed growing up. Not that I grew up much, as I am not tall either – but this goes unnoticed in this country, haha.

            I don’t think I have a French accent when I speak English. There is a parrot in me, I can imitate accents or pick them up. I guess the closest to describe mine would be RP. Native English speakers often tell me that they can hear an Irish or Scottish lilt when I speak – when I feel comfortable, get talking and let my hair down (or my tongue!). I lived in Scotland for a few years and shared a flat with an Irish girl that I still see from time to time.

            I am not very visual – at least not to produce anything. I am hopeless at drawing anything recognisable. I can understand film language though (or film grammar, which I studied at Uni, so I can ‘read’ the meaning of shots/angles/camera movements/colours or contrast/lighting, etc).
            You said you were an artist, This is interesting: what do you do?

            (By the way, my thanks to those who have confirmed that they hear voices too!)

          8. Ashley says:

            I know just what you mean! I imagine voices sometimes too! 🙂

          9. Ashley says:

            Aww my mom’s fav perfume is Chanel #5 as well! 😊❤

          10. Fiddleress says:

            Haha, Ashley, this tells you something about my age, then doesn’t it?!

          11. Ashley says:

            Haha noo 😊💖

          12. Fiddleress says:

            Chanel nr5, not ‘channel’. How could I make such a mistake, I don’t even have a TV set (I know, i am an alien). But I do have the perfume.

          13. Bubbles 🍾 says:

            Dear Fiddleress,
            Absolutely Haha
            I find each individual’s comments form a personality and I imagine a voice and character from their descriptions
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        4. blackcoffee30 says:

          Fiddleress– Oooh I love perfume! I have vintage Chanel No.5, though it is not a favorite. I just purchased decants of Guerlain Angelique Noir and Caron’s Tabac Blonde. The Noir was new to me and not quite what I expected– a bit too powdery.

          1. Fiddleress says:

            Ahhh, blackcoffee, I like Guerlain! I had their Vétiver at the time when I finished my studies.
            I have favoured Chanel nr 5 for a while. I occasionally try others, but this one is the right one for me.

    4. Bubbles 🍾 says:

      Dear Fiddleress,
      Thank you for sharing your most private, and heartbreaking thoughts
      I could so feel your pain lovely one
      Walking on eggshells is about being conditioned
      We need to surround ourselves with those who make us feel good and accepting of who we are as a person and lifting us up not pulling us down
      We must never hand ouselves over completely to another
      To give of oneself fully, is to give away all your power and your identity
      Always always have boundaries and never give in to anyone
      The best thing that came out of that reread is to see how far you’ve come
      You should feel damn proud of yourself and thankful you walked away from that unknown quantity
      You’re one very brave and courageous soul Fiddleress, be very proud of youself precious
      Only the best for you from now on
      💕
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      1. Fiddleress says:

        Dear Bubbles
        Thank you for your message, it moved me deeply.
        I grasp the theory, about not giving of ourselves fully. I have never known any better. Until now, at least.

        All your messages are a breath of fresh air, Bubbles; they make me laugh and smile. It is great to ‘see’ you around.

        1. Bubbles 🍾 says:

          Dearest Fiddleress,
          Your kind comment made me feel right chuffed, thankyou lovely one
          You have moved mountains since your “notebook”, (hmmm reminds me of that cute movie with the gorgeous Ryan Gosling), but yours was soooooo different
          Your next one should read “reminder to self, never let that happen again” haha
          Your comments now have an air of confidence, you’ve come leap n bounds in such a short time, that’s no mean feat, you definitely made the right decision, when you know you go
          You’re a beautiful person Fiddleress, never let anyone take that away from you

          Oh, I’m a bit like grafitti, hard to get rid of 🤣
          Big Hugs 🤗 to you precious
          Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          1. Fiddleress says:

            I am very glad that you are hard to get rid of, dear Bubbles !
            I would never have come so far without narcsite (I include HG’s articles, his work, his direct help, and the blog with everyone who posts here). I was still not well at all when lockdown started in mid-March, but I thought if I could pull out of that dip during lockdown, when I couldn’t see friends, colleagues, couldn’t go out, then the biggest battle would be won. And it has been won. It couldn’t have happened without narcsite.

            Thinking back on what you said about identity: in “Widow”, Joyce Carol Oates says that your sense of existence/identity comes from knowing that an other human being knows you thoroughly. And that is why when you lose someone that you love, that you felt close to, it is as if part of you disappeared with them.
            Never finished the book, though. It belonged to the N.

            Now you got me curious about that film ‘Notebook’, I will look into it !

            Big hugs to you, Bubbles. You are one beautiful person.

          2. Bubbles 🍾 says:

            Dear Fiddleress,
            Awe, thank you sweet one
            I know you will luv The Notebook, it’s written by Nicholas Sparks and based on a true story
            Sending hugs n a box of tissues haha
            Enjoy lovely
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

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