The Narcissist and U-Turns

 

THE NARCISSIST AND U-TURNS

 

Contradictions. About turns. Doing one thing and meaning another. Those are staple ingredients in becoming entangled with our type. Of course the Lesser and the Mid-Range of our kind do not see the contradictions. To them, their behaviour makes absolute sense even though when it is viewed from your perspective there is a clear contradiction in what has been said or done.

This naturally frustrates, upsets and infuriates you as you attempt to make us see that you are correct and we are not. Or to make us see that we have behaved in a contradictory or hypocritical fashion. You will not succeed. The Lesser or the Mid-Range does not do this deliberately, it is just how they are. The Lesser reacts. The Mid-Range realises that denying and deflecting what you are trying to get him to see causes more upset and frustration and that makes him feel good.

He does not know why this is, he does not know the concept of fuel, but he knows the more you react the better he feels. He also knows that he does not like to be held to account or to be seen to be the one who is to blame, for anything, thus he will not accept any suggestion of contradictory behaviour because it is inherent with such an accusation that there is blame attached.

The Greater knows that to twist, to turn, to shift and to alter allows the emotional responses to flow and to become heightened. He knows that what he does is viewed as contradictory but he will not accept it. He must portray control and superiority at all times otherwise he will find himself damned. He revels in switching from one position to the other, within moments and then seeing if you dare to point out this shift in stance. Should you do so, he will deny and deflect in order to frustrate you, to upset you and to alarm you.

The use of volte faces is part of the process of gas lighting also. An insidious and effective method of controlling you, eroding your sense of perspective and forcing you ever backwards until ultimately you know nothing other than our warped truth, yours having been dispelled some time ago. Making you a stranger to your own reason is evidence both of our power and our abusive behaviour. Thus the use of contradictory behaviour, the volte face, is prevalent when we commence the devaluation. Here are five you may know well.

  1. The Joy Has Gone

We once showed such enthusiasm for Indian cuisine and would often try to find the latest and most exciting restaurant for us to both go to. It might have been the zealous delight we exhibited at the prospect of going hill-walking with you, or discussing the latest production at the local theatre. You loved how we connected over these shared interests. Of course it was all mirroring. We love what you love. Now there is no need to do it anymore. We care little for Indian cuisine but since you loved it so much, we decided to do so as well. Hill walking is tedious. The only thing we liked was being on top of the world. As for the theatre, if we have to sit through another obscure play we will explode. Still it was worth making you think we loved all those things as it made you easier to bind to us. Keep listing everything you think we have in common and I will pick that list down to nothing.

  1. The Compliments End

I embedded you as the supply of my positive fuel and you functioned well so you earned those further compliments. Now there is no need to provide them. Oh I am aware that you look even better than you did when we first met, that you are trying hard to tease the compliments for me in order to try to stave off that nagging fear that you are losing me, but it is to no avail. I know you are trying your best to please me, accommodate what I want but all I now look at is someone who irritates me. You see, if I had loved you like someone healthy, I would not feel like this now, but because I never did, there is nothing to prevent the feeling of contempt and annoyance which washes over me each time I see you. But where are the compliments? Somebody else has them now.

  1. A Sudden Realisation

Do you know something, I love my ex. I do. You have made me realise this. I thought I did not know what love was until I met you (I vaguely remember saying something like this to you some time ago) but come to think of it, I knew all along and it is my ex that I love. Not you. Thanks for the distraction whilst I worked things out. What? I said she was abusive and a psycho? No I did not. There you are, you have just proved to me why I cannot love someone like you. Good bye.

  1. But You Thought I Hated That

Why have I gone to that classical concert when I said to you that I could not stand classical music. I don’t recall saying that. Stop trying to tell me what I like and do not like. You are so controlling. I have always enjoyed reading books, where on earth did you get the idea from that I did not. Yes, I love strawberries, they are delicious and I love eating them, I never told you I was allergic to them. Stop making things up. You need some help. You keep twisting things around and I don’t like. it There you are. That is something I hate. What you do.

  1. The Sudden Complaints

Must we really go to your parents this weekend? So what if I have never complained about it before? That doesn’t matter. I am doing so now because I want to isolate you from them. I suspect they do not like me and I am not going to let them put ideas in your head, so they have gone on the black list and I will now issue complaints about seeing them in order to drive a wedge between you and them. The more isolated you become the better. I will start to complain regularly in order to stop you doing things and in order to upset you. That is the way I operate now. Don’t you dare complain about it.

18 thoughts on “The Narcissist and U-Turns

  1. Kristin says:

    HG,
    Your reply put another nail in the narc’s coffin and added another notch to my “logic defense belt.” I just purchased the “Inside the Narcissist’s Mind” bulletin and appreciate your guidance and support.

    I know that I will not only survive this but I will come out on the other end stronger and completely free from the oppression and abuse that I have endured for many, many years. Thank you!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  2. Bubbles 🍾 says:

    Dear Mr Tudor,
    Do you have reference material you could please refer me to when the empath has been empowered and those around the “new you” are finding it difficult to comprehend ?
    Many thanks
    Luv Bubbles Xx 😘

    1. HG Tudor says:

      What are they finding difficult to comprehend?

      1. Bubbles 🍾 says:

        Dear Mr Tudor,
        No longer being a “yes” person
        No more fixing of others
        Asking questions if something isn’t being made clear
        Stating a given fact to the ill prepared recipient
        Giving one’s own opinion that doesn’t agree with another
        Not being coerced into sensitive discussions
        Others deliberate misrepresentation of what is being said
        No longer being a pushover anymore
        Not being as forgiving
        Not being available or on tap
        Not making the first move whether its contact or for assistance
        No longer a people pleaser
        Being assertive
        Saying no
        Creating boundaries
        Putting oneself first

        Whereby the narcissist stays the same, the new improved and empowered empath finds it’s not quite to everyone’s liking anymore
        It’s almost as if they’re offended and lack comprehension of the change
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        1. FoolMe1Time says:

          Dear sweet Bubbles,

          They don’t need to understand, as long as you do that’s all that matters! 😘💞

          1. Bubbles 🍾 says:

            Dearest FoolMe,
            It’s even more difficult when it’s a member of your own family
            Thankyou lovely one for your confirmation
            💕
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  3. truthseeker6157 says:

    With reference to point 3. Does a Mid Ranger actually believe that? Does he carry out a hoover of the ex, believing that he really needs her and wants her back? Does he believe that he misses her? Or, does he hoover just to see if he could get her back if he wanted to?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      He hoovers for the Prime Aims and the narcissism causes him to believe he is doing it because he misses her but the genuine reason is for the Prime Aims, most notable of which is fuel and control.

      1. truthseeker6157 says:

        Thank you for the clarification.

        If the hoover is ignored, does this also mean then that the Mid Ranger believes he is hurt? Confusing this with the fact that the genuine reason is simply that he failed to regain control and re establish the fuel supply?

        You are absolutely certain despite not being Mid Range yourself that no Mid Ranger has the capacity for emotional empathy in any form at all?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Correct.

          They have no emotional empathy, if they did, they would not behave as they do.

          1. truthseeker6157 says:

            Thank you HG. Just needed that part double underlined and highlighted.

          2. Kristin says:

            HG,
            “Correct. They have no emotional empathy, if they did, they would not behave as they do.”
            You have told me since the beginning that narcs do not have empathy, to include the ULN I am married to. There has always been a small bit of doubt in my mind because of how much he loves our kids…until now. Despite reading your work over and over again and trying to convince myself that he has no empathy, it finally clicked when you said “if they did, they would not behave as they do.” I have a solid grasp of what you have taught me and now I can check this one off my list. Perhaps it is because I am further along in my journey and moving towards escaping but either way I am grateful that I now understand. Thank you so much, again!

          3. HG Tudor says:

            He does not love your kids, he is a narcissist and therefore cannot love. He manipulates them benignly for control, how so? Because he is a narcissist. We are not part-time narcissists, only being a narcissist when we are nasty, the good and the bad are all manipulations. Do see “Inside the Narcissist’s Mind – Is it a Manipulation.” I am pleased that it is clicking into place.

          4. truthseeker6157 says:

            Funny you should say that. I listened to “Inside the Narcissists Mind”. It’s another piece that really made a difference in my understanding. A huge difference. I’m going back and re listening to a lot as I’m now a little further on in my state of mind. I think I’ll keep drawing more each time I listen to the material.

            To my point ha ha.

            On another thread I commented that I’m interested in understanding how a narcissist sees the world. Properly understanding. That means for me, being able to walk in his skin and take a good look around. Feel what he feels. As most narcissists are unaware or in the case of the Greater aware, but not willing to verbalise or really explain how things look to them, then this puts HG in a unique position knowledge wise.

            I commented I’d like to sit HG in a chair and interrogate him because I’d get honest answers. Thinking about it though in that scenario, I wouldn’t. My own perspective is, “He has nothing to gain by lying. He doesn’t know me. I’m not a tertiary source even, he wouldn’t run into me again, calling for milk or getting gas. So hypothetically, I could get a clear look, an emotional read, a clear sense of how it actually feels to be a narcissist.”

            Wrong. I’m in the room, therefore within a direct sphere of influence. Answers would be honest whilst it was in his best interests. If control was to be gained, the slightest flicker of ‘I need more on this point’ for example and the game would begin. Answers might be less honest or the information I really want withheld. If I was monotone, pulled up the walls, displayed no emotion at all, then he would seek control by going for an emotional response, to shock or to disagree. Best route would be to make me laugh actually but that’s by the by. Would he do this on purpose? Yes and No. part of it instinctive, part of it just because he can. End result, I don’t get what I’m looking for.

            Then I looked at the blog. The articles, information and answers here are honest. There is absolutely no doubt about that. Many of the same elements in play as in the scenario above, but here, two key differences. The first is the business element, if our understanding isn’t heightened, if we don’t feel better, that’s bad for business. To help us feel better we need the honest information, interaction and explanations provided by HG. Therefore honesty serves the Prime Aims. Honesty is therefore employed. Add on benefits include, additional understanding of the Empathic Perspective, additional self awareness.

            Secondly, we are not in the room. We are not in a direct sphere of influence in terms of face to face contact. No need to manipulate for control. Fuel is to be gained through positive feedback and the odd stray crazy that comes in looking for a row. But it’s weak, and there is better to be had even from a tertiary source in real life. Essentially HG can’t see us, we can’t see him and our scenarios don’t involve him directly, so there is no need or desire to control. Not really. HG is a narcissist, his narcissism doesn’t turn off. My empathy doesn’t either.

            Inside the Narcissists Mind was an extremely helpful piece. It’s an absolute minefield when you really think into it but I think I’m starting to get a slightly clearer picture. I’m also starting to think Dr O is quite good!

          5. Violetta says:

            Truthseeker:

            “The first is the business element, if our understanding isn’t heightened, if we don’t feel better, that’s bad for business.”

            Bingo. Like everyone else, I looked at a lot of material, in books and online. There was a lot of description and analysis, some used case studies, but it was never clear how it applied to my situation or the narcs I had encountered. It was only when I saw or heard actual phrases narcs had used on me in HG’s writings and recordings that everything clicked into place–not just for recent narc incidents, but for people I hadn’t met since childhood.

            As for feeling better, there’s always that little moment of horror when I recognize a manipulation, but for me, it’s immediately followed by relief. No, I’m not too sensitive, imaginative, or just crazy. Or maybe I am all those things, but it’s still happening, and I didn’t cook it up in my maladjusted little head. 2 + 2 = 4 even if Napoleon XIV says so.

          6. truthseeker6157 says:

            Violetta,
            I agree, there is nothing else like this site in terms of explanation, real life examples, discussion and experiences from both sides. It’s relatable but also practical and applicable.

            Recovery is faster as understanding increases and confusion is removed. As you pointed out to me, there is a lag between understanding and fully accepting. I’m understanding far more. I talk things through as they click in case I’m wrong as I know then I’ll be corrected. Something else you don’t get elsewhere.
            I’m still fighting against the accepting part for some reason though.

            It’s easy to think that HG is helping us all because he cares. He doesn’t, he isn’t equipped to. But if he did, he’d end up being a sympathetic friend and that really worked well for people in the past didn’t it? Ha ha. The fact that he doesn’t care is likely what makes him so effective in this context.

            I’m not sure I really like the more logical me. I sound harsh at times. I don’t mean to be.

  4. Tarinim says:

    This entry (amongst others) made me feel ill. I’ve read and listened to you. 10 years wasted I guess isn’t as bad as some Unfortunate individuals. I suspect my xH was a mid range narcissist, although there were several instances of very malignant “exchanges”. Exchanges where I caught him ‘observing me’. The U turn, about face, 180 whatever you call it, was very prevalent throughout alongside gaslighting.

    The reason I am convinced my xH was a covert mid-range narcissist is because he married me (second wife). I suspect if he truly knew who he was, he wouldn’t have done so. I have spent two years more or less, just “recovering” looking for answers which were not there. It has only been since reading your material & listening on YouTube that I have found the true scale of the emptiness. It has only been since actually hearing your coldness and emptiness that I realised, I fell in love with my own dream, loved my own ideals and passions and sadly gave him everything (mentally, physically and financially) until I was depleted and broken.

    The last time I saw him in person he told me that his brother was abusing his wife by demanding an open marriage, engaging in risky behaviour etc and this upset xH to the degree that he physically “cried”. At the time, I’d grown enough apart from him to realise it was a pity play & but then in the same conversation he commented that he could see how broken I was and that was how his sister-in-law must feel and it was this then which upset him. A devaluation even in the face of such distress.during his weeping, I comforted him and he commented despite being so broken, I was still able to reach out and comfort him in his distress. You of course will recognise that for what it was hoover & fuel.

    I was looking for answers about fidelity. I “felt” the moment of disconnection. He spent years denying it and denying there were other people in his sphere of influence. I had no choice but to take his word despite not believing it. Reading & listening about the fuel matrix makes me understand that all of it, all of my 10 years relationship is not personal. Yes, I was targeted because I’m intelligent, kind, compassionate and caring – an easy source. I don’t berate myself for being weak, I wasn’t. I was targeted and stalked in the early days and so called, love bombed. I didn’t stand a chance & it’s this which makes me think xH may be a Greater but I doubt it. He’s intelligent and resourceful but limited.

    What I’m getting to is I have been educated. The words “you belong to us” on one of your videos, sent chills through me. The words “it only ends when either you or the narcissist dies” left me feeling cold. I thought I was special though, but there is an ex wife before me who also stands in similar shoes. Fuel matrix. That hit hard. What this has done for me though is enforce (more than I anticipated) GOSO and absolute no contact. Recently I was being stalked on social media by the current IPPS. I let him know I didn’t appreciate it. Triangulation. I received the response of being told it’s me who is wrong in the head etc. I only then read about all of this and that it was possibly as a result of his comments about my SoMe – things are not likely to be rosy in the garden, such plots point to her being devalued…. which means hoovering is likely to be close. I already succumbed to the malign triangulation ploy. It will not happen again. I have recent changed my ID and awaiting new docs from the govt agencies. Once they arrive, there will be no number to contact me on as I will have changed it. As tempting as the golden period is, I am not tempted into being a source of fuel – I am not giving my light to this person any longer. I’m done. I’m out & I will stay out.

    I wanted to say I hope your writing things down for all of us to learn and your therapy is going well. Thank you 🙏🏻

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