Blind or Stupid?

BLIND OR STUPID?

 

 

We love to triangulate. Three is the magic number. You, me and someone else or something else. Another victim? A competitor? A loyal lieutenant? A fresh prospect? An imaginary individual? A threatened event? An inanimate object? There are so many combinations of triangulation that are available to us and each has their own advantages and rewards for their application for us. In this equation there will always be us, there will always be you and then there will be third party.

One of our effective manipulative triangulations involves the “normals”. These are people who are neither empathic or narcissistic but people who are generally decent, sensible and largely kind who may be supporters of yours, they may be members of our façade but whatever they are they are not you and they are not us. These are the people who you turn to when you can no longer stand what is happening to you. When you cannot understand what is going on.

When the confusion becomes overwhelming. When you begin to sense something is not quite right. You turn to these normal in the hope of them helping you, understanding your plight and/or offering some insight. This is rarely achieved because you are met with responses which leave you wondering whether the person you have just spoken to is blind or stupid. Here are ten instances of this in action.

  1. I don’t believe it

Victim – “He is horrible to me, he never lets me do anything on my own anymore, he shouts and calls me awful names.”

Normal – “Really? I just can’t see Nigel behaving like that, he is always so lovely and friendly whenever I see him. I cannot believe he would do that.”

  1. Are You Bringing It On Yourself?

V – “I am sick of him controlling me. I try and assert myself, you know, lay down some boundaries, but he is always telling me to shut up and calm down and doing what he wants without any consideration for me.”

N – “Well you have always been feisty my dear, maybe you are provoking him and that’s why he is behaving that way. I don’t mean to be unkind but you do have a bit of temper you know.”

  1. Not This Again

V- “He has done it again. Disappeared. I have been ringing him on the hour every hour and he won’t answer. I don’t know what it is. I mean, everything seemed okay when we got up this morning, he smiled and asked me if I wanted a cup of tea (cue detailed analysis of every word and interaction thereafter)

N – Glazes over, thinks to themselves “Not this again. I am bored of hearing this. They will be talking again by tomorrow. She worries over nothing.”

  1. I Feel Sorry for Him

V – “So he did this, then that, then this again and he always does this you know. He is horrible, Horrible I tell you. I don’t know what to do. Oh he did this as well and some more of that.”

N – Thinks to themselves “I feel sorry for him putting up with someone so neurotic as her. No wonder he clears off for a few days, probably needs the peace and quiet.”

  1. Someone Is Exaggerating

 

V – “No word of a lie, he locked me in the bedroom and threatened to burn the house down with me inside and I heard him laughing as he said this to me. I am so scared of him. He keeps threatening to kill me. He rings me at work and comments about how my brakes are dodgy and laughs and puts the ‘phone down.”

N – Thinks to themselves “Sure he does, nobody goes on like that, I do like my friend but she is something of an attention seeker. Every other day there is one of these stories.”

  1. I Don’t Think So

V – “So he said that if I didn’t do it he would tell everybody in the church that I was sleeping with the vicar and he would post pictures of me on the internet.”

N – “Who Norman? No way, he is such a solid and respectable man. I don’t think he would ever do anything like that. No, I have known him years, he would never do anything like that.”

  1. He Did Say She Was Crazy

V – “He hides my purse so I cannot go out, he tells me what I can and cannot eat, he won’t allow me more than a minute in the shower and stands watching me while I wash. He follows me around the house and keeps staring at me, I can even feel him watching me when I manage to slip out for a while. I know he is following me.”

N- Thinks to themselves “It’s just as Neil predicted. He said she was losing her mind and coming out with all these fantastic stories. He is genuinely worried about her and I can see why now. Poor thing. Poor him too.”

  1. Ups and Downs

V – “He sometimes doesn’t speak to me for days on end. He just sits and sulks and ignores me. It is horrible. I hate it.”

N- “Oh that’s just men for you. They all do that at some point. It’s part of the ups and downs of being in a relationship, just ignore it and get on with your day, he will soon come round, you will see.”

  1. Don’t Involve Me

V- “Hi it’s me, can I come round to see you. I need to talk to someone. He is doing it again. He has spent the last two hours shouting at me and throwing plates around the kitchen. I am sick of this, I cannot cope.”

N – “I’d love to help but I er, have an appointment. Look I have to go; I will call you later” – I’m not getting drawn into their domestic dramas I have my own life to look after.

  1. I Haven’t a Clue

V- (After lengthy description of a catalogue of odd and strange behaviour) “So what do you think, what should I do? I cannot go on like this.”

N- “I don’t know what to say really, I can’t work out why he would be lovely with you one week and then awful the next, it does add up. Perhaps if you sat down together and tried to work things out.” (I haven’t a clue what is going on here.)

Not once does the “normal” turn to you and say,

“You are being abused by a disordered person.”

Or

“You have been ensnared by a narcissist.”

Instead when you describe the behaviour to a “normal” you are met with one or more of the responses detailed above. We know this will be the case. We know it will leave you hurt, bewildered and lacking the help and insight you so desperately need. Why do people respond like this?

  1. Lack of knowledge. Fortunately for our kind few people really know what we are and what we do.
  2. We don’t walk around with a sign around our neck stating “I am an abusive narcissist”. We blend in. People think the psychopaths and sociopaths appear like some crazed axe-murderer. We do not.
  3. People although kind are not empathic like you. Therefore, there is a limit to the time and resource they will apply to assisting you. People are inward looking and care more about their own lives than yours.
  4. The façade. Our charm and magnetism has people believing us to be wonderful and decent people. That façade is hard to shatter.
  5. Your coping abilities are eroded and you are worn out. This makes you appear unhinged, hysterical and thus in keeping with the image that we have spread around that you are The Crazy One.
  6. A Quiet Life. People do not like conflict. They want people to get on and do not want to become involved in other people’s problems.
  7. Behind Closed Doors. People always take the view that there are two sides to every story. They will listen to you but they will think there is likely to be some explanation which means it is not as bad as you are making it out to be. You are provoking the abuser, you are making it up, you are being too sensitive and taking things the wrong way. The “normal” thinks life may be different behind closed doors.
  8. People want other people to get on and therefore in order to try to preserve the peace they will suggest that the behaviour is not as bad as has been suggested and pressure the victim to go home and sort things out, unaware it is not something that can be sorted out by having a chat and a cup of tea.
  9. The tales of abuse and awful treatment seem far-fetched that the “normal” cannot believe them. They have no experience of it and combined with the existence of the façade just cannot see how someone could behave in this way.

All of this results in you trying to persuade people without success which becomes all the more frustrating and distressing for you. Naturally, we know fine well how people will respond to your protestations and the lack of understanding and knowledge about our kind allows us to blend in, move freely around and continue to behave in this manner with impunity. You are left wondering if the listener is blind or stupid. They are not stupid. But they are blinded to what we really are.

Just like you were as well.

13 thoughts on “Blind or Stupid?

  1. Leela says:

    I have a question. I think I didn´t really understand if ALL narcs cheat on their partners? It´s written in “Blag Flag” and “Sex and the Narcissist” that infidelity is given with a narc. So, is this for all cadres or only the somatic and the elite? Do cerebral narcs also tend to cheat?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Narcissists cheat because there are different forms of infidelity and therefore a cerebral narcissist will cheat also.

  2. WhoCares says:

    “Behind Closed Doors. People always take the view that there are two sides to every story. They will listen to you but they will think there is likely to be some explanation which means it is not as bad as you are making it out to be. You are provoking the abuser, you are making it up, you are being too sensitive and taking things the wrong way. The “normal” thinks life may be different behind closed doors.”

    2 years, maybe 3 years ago, I may have been of this mind. Even despite my own circumstances.

    Very early this morning there was an incident two properties away from where I am. This area is reasonably okay. And quiet, most nights. There are a number of decent residential homes in the surrounding neighbourhood, with a few small apartment buildings mixed in. Last night was unusual…I heard arguing outside. At first I couldn’t pinpoint where it was coming from. I closed my son’s window so it wouldn’t wake him.

    The arguing could have just been passing people passing through the neighbourhood to get to the main street.
    It wasn’t. After some silence, the arguing started again and, although I couldn’t see much, I determined it was a quarrel between a male and female two properties away.
    I listened and it was mostly the male cursing and accusing. She seemed to be on the defensive but I couldn’t really hear her because he kept talking over her and drowning her out.
    I was feeling uneasy and hoping it wasn’t going to escalate. I was getting my phone ready to call police in case.
    Even though it was dark and I could only see their black silhouettes briefly, I could hear them. At one point she went from the house to the shed-like structure on the same property…I think to get away from him. But he followed her in there. Then I heard sounds but not her voice, she was just crying…I think he was striking her but at the same time he was loudly saying “Don’t touch me. Don’t touch me. You’re hurting me” so that the neighbours would here his voice and make the guess that he was defending himself. There were only these words from her: “But I can’t touch you” – with emphasis on the word *can’t*.
    (I had called the police at this point.)
    But I struggled to work my phone because I was feeling light-headed (and my heart was pounding in my ears) at the horror of the realization that he was gaslighting her, *in the moment* as he struck her – and he was setting it up so she would feel that she couldn’t call and report it because the neighbours would have overhead his words very loud words.
    I might have doubted the interaction in the past and been as confused as anyone else – but it was clear as day, without a shadow of a doubt that that was what he was doing.

    The paramedics showed up as well.
    I hope she is okay.

    1. Violetta says:

      ‘I think he was striking her but at the same time he was loudly saying “Don’t touch me. Don’t touch me. You’re hurting me” so that the neighbours would here his voice and make the guess that he was defending himself. There were only these words from her: “But I can’t touch you” – with emphasis on the word *can’t*.
      …. he was gaslighting her, *in the moment* as he struck her – and he was setting it up so she would feel that she couldn’t call and report it because the neighbours would have overhead his words very loud words.’

      Straight out of the narc playbook, as used by Amber Heard (in DM article “They argued like schoolchildren’: Amber Heard ‘goaded’ Johnny Depp, started most arguments and drank a ‘large number of cases of wine’, his aide tells trial as he shares photo of undamaged phone that she says smashed when actor ‘attacked’ her’):

      Depp claims his two security guards entered the room when they heard Heard shouting, and saw her ‘repeatedly screaming, ‘stop hitting me, Johnny” while he was 20 feet away in the kitchen.

      He also says that two police officers who attended the apartment after the incident ‘saw no injuries or bruising or swelling’.

      ….’I pulled back the top sheet on the bed and saw a large pile of faeces. I was horrified and disgusted. It was clear to me that this was human faeces. I knew that the faeces could not have come from either of Mr Depp’s or Ms Heard’s two small dogs.

      ‘I have cleaned up after those dogs many times and their faeces are much smaller. Further, I have never known those dogs to defecate in the bed.’

      Ms Vargas said in her statement that she took photos of the faeces in the bed, before washing and changing the sheets.

      She later told Mr Depp’s estate manager, Kevin Murphy what she had found because she was ‘so angry’.

      Ms Vargas said that on May 24, 2016, she was working at Depp’s West Hollywood home when Heard arrived with her friend Raquel Pennington.

      The housekeeper claimed Heard called her over and told her the photos she had taken of the faeces in the bed ‘had destroyed her marriage’.

      Ms Vargas said: ‘I was very nervous and so I apologised, even I did not believe that their marital problems were my fault or that I had done anything wrong.

      ‘I also told Ms Heard that the faeces were there, that there was nothing I could do. Ms Heard argued with me saying that there were no faeces in the bed.

      ‘I, again, said that the faeces were there, that they were large and smelled awful. Ms Heard continued to disagree with me, but I wanted to end the conversation as quickly as possible.’

      Gaslights Johnny, gaslights the security guards, gaslights the housekeeper….

      And then there are pics of her at the courthouse, smiling blandly at the camera. Not a triumphant or vengeful smile, not smiling-bravely-through-the-tears. Like, “Oh, there’s a camera on me; I must smile at it.”

      1. WhoCares says:

        “Depp claims his two security guards entered the room when they heard Heard shouting, and saw her ‘repeatedly screaming, ‘stop hitting me, Johnny” while he was 20 feet away in the kitchen.”

        Wow, truly playbook!

        And, yes I saw her smile, as well, in that shot.

    2. Leigh says:

      What a sick bastard! I hope she’s ok too. Thank goodness you heard it and you could pull from your own experience and realized that it just wasn’t adding up. Who knows how it would have turned out if you didn’t make that call.

      1. WhoCares says:

        Leigh,

        I hope my call mattered. I learned someone else called ahead of me, so that is good. Hopefully it was someone who had a better vantage point, visually. But I know what I heard and I put it on record that I believed him to be the aggressor.

    3. Bubbles 🍾 says:

      Dearest Who Cares,
      😱
      You were her guardian angel 👼
      You probably saved her life by your kind hearted good deed
      What a beautiful caring person you are
      We all need a “WhoCares” and you certainly did, well done lovely lady 💖
      🤗 Hugs all round
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      1. WhoCares says:

        Bubbles,

        Thanks. Someone called before I did, so that’s extra good. I didn’t call until I determined it was more than an argument. I don’t know how bad it was but I am guessing she got cornered in the shed and he got physical.

    4. MB says:

      WC, most people don’t want to “get involved” in these types of situations. Good for you for taking care of business. That woman needed an ally. The paramedics being called may well be the catalyst for her escape. Interesting how our learning here makes it all so clear to see what is *really* happening.

      1. WhoCares says:

        MB,

        “Interesting how our learning here makes it all so clear to see what is *really* happening.”

        Absolutely. I had seen their body language in their silhouettes and heard his voice enough to know he was the aggressor. She may have defended herself but she was not on the attack.
        When my brain clicked and realized what was happening, it made me sick to my stomach.

        I share your hope that this incident was the catalyst to cause her escape.

  3. Veronique Trimble says:

    We see what we want to so both the power that he had was showing me the person who I fell for because I wanted him to

  4. lickemtomorrow says:

    “Just like you were as well.”

    Spot on.

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Previous article

Scapegoat

Next article

Down