Mind Games – Part One
We love to conquer. Nowhere is off limits to our kind. Your mind is no exception to that mentality. The repeated application of mind games and the impact this had are both consequence which live long in the memory of those who have experienced them as a consequence of being entangled with us.
I repeatedly state that the games are always being played. I doubt few would disagree with that statement. You ought to be aware however that the deployment of mind games, whilst always a factor in the narcissistic relationship, is not as deliberate as you may first imagine.
In the case of the Lesser Narcissist, the mind games are collateral. They are a consequence of his instinctive behaviours, his reactions and pre-determined methodologies. He lacks the cognitive function to engage in the purposeful mental torment, but instead what arises as mind games is side-effect of the way that he behaves.
As for the Mid-Range, well the application of mind games will sometimes manifest as deliberate but because, he is similar to the Lesser (as he is unaware and operates through instinct)a nd that these mind games occur as a consequence of the way he is engineered to think and to behave. They are imposed through instinct. It is with the Greater and the Ultra where the true twisted behaviour manifests as not only are the mind games a consequence of what we do, we also purposefully engage in them because we know how effective they are at achieving what we want and also because we are excellent at deploying them.
The imposition of bewilderment on a shattered and exhausted mind possesses a deftness of touch which is far superior to the brutish application of a fist to a cheek. The conjuring of confusion from the use of words alone is a highlight of the Greater’s manipulative repertoire. Accordingly, the mind games which arise from entanglement with a Lesser or a Mid-Range arise because of the various defence mechanisms those types of narcissist deploy. The Greater regards the playing of mind games as an essential part of the narcissistic relationship, one which is considered noble, important and a hallmark of his sophisticated abuse.
These mind games are varied and effective. Anybody who has been on the receiving end of them will testify as to the horrible impact that they have in creating doubt, fear, worry, anxiety, submission and a sense of helplessness. What are some of these mind games?
- Second Guessing. The act of making you forget about your own needs because you are conditioned to think about our needs first in order to avoid some dreadful repercussion if you do not so. You apply your mind over and over to assessing the situation and trying to gauge how you should respond, what you should do next, what you should organise, how you should look, how you should behave in order to avoid some other abuse.
- Pre-occupation. By making ourselves so central to your existence and the only thing which matters you find that you are always wondering about us. What are we doing right now? Who are we with? What are we doing? This does not necessarily occur just in the devaluation. As the seeds of addiction are sown during the seduction, you find your mind is focused on us more and more. This is the laying of the groundwork to have you forget about your own needs and indeed who you are as the focus of your attention becomes all about us.
- Mirroring. We convince you that you are falling in love with the most wonderful and fantastic person you have ever met. This is achieved by mirroring what you want in the object of your affection. By meeting this need on so many different fronts, you become helpless to falling in love with what you believe us to be.
- Obsessing. By engaging in the vague, the vapid and the amorphous we have you start obsessing over us. Once again the focus moves on to us as you ask yourself what did he mean by that comment? Why is he late? Why did he just do that? You look for clues which are non-existent and seek answers which are not there, reading too much into what are often innocuous scenarios.
- Gas Lighting. The infamous act of causing you to doubt your own reality and is invariably the cumulative effect of many different types of mind game. You end up doubting yourself and accepting our false reality as the true reality instead.
- Jettison. The act of having you think that you are about to be discarded. Comments will be made which suggest that we are dissatisfied with you, that we are tired of you and that we have interests elsewhere. Nothing is said outright, there is nothing concrete, but the signs are there that you are going to be discarded. Aren’t they?
- Jealousy. “But she is just a friend.” “How can I be having an affair when we only meet during daylight.” “You are reading too much into it.” The appearance of somebody who we talk about a lot, spend time with and appear to admire is designed to bring about jealousy in you and undermine your self-confidence.
- Mea Culpa. The complexity and absurdity of our behaviour means that you are unable to fathom out what is actually going on. This results in you needing to find some kind of answer in order to give you piece of mind and therefore since you have no ground to question us, you decide you must be at fault and being to blame yourself. After all, nobody gets furious for no obvious reason do they? You must have done something wrong to provoke us. It is your fault.
- Projection. The intentional movement of our faults and unpleasant behaviours from us to you. The accusation that you engage in the very behaviour which we undertake ourself.
- Character Assassination. The unmerited and savage attack on you, criticising you for any number of things; how you walk, how you talk, your hair colour, who your friends are; how you made the coffee this morning. Anything and everything about you will be attacked even though you cannot see the basis of doing so.
- Blame-Shifting. The defensive step of ensuring that we are never to blame or held accountable. Anything that goes wrong, any incorrect behaviour, any mishap is all down to you. You caused it, you brought it about, you made it happen. Even though you cannot see any factual basis for the accusation that has been flung your way, this will not stop it happening.
- Authoritative Denial. We do not just deny, we deny with such conviction, determination and authority that surely only someone who does this is someone who has to be right, yes?
- Gaseous Smear Campaigns. You are being spoken about, whispered about and slurs cast against your name, at least you think that is the case. You seem to be receiving strange glances and hear snickering when you walk by certain people, but you never hear anything concrete or certain. You might be mis-hearing, you might be mis-reading, it may just be paranoia. Trying to work out if you are being smeared is like trying to catch a gas with your bare hands.
- Silent Treatments. The staple of the narcissistic arsenal. Why is he silent? Why has he vanished? What have you done wrong? When will he speak to me again?
- Double Standards. We are so pleasant and wonderful to everybody else. People speak so highly of us, yet when the front door is closed we turn into a monster with you. Is it real? Perhaps you are taking it out of context and exaggerating or maybe you are doing something which causes this to happen and nobody else does?
- Amnesia. We deny having ever done something or said something even though you are positive, well fairly certain, okay, at least reasonably sure, we did say it. It works both ways as we accuse you of having a faulty memory as we tell you we told you last week we would be going out tonight, why can you not remember these things? Are you doing it in order to annoy us? Of course you are.
- Losing Your Mind. We label you as crazy, unhinged, a maniac who is need of help. Good Lord, everybody thinks it of you and we are a saint for putting up with this behaviour for so long. We tell you often, arrange for you to get help, see a doctor or a therapist and accompany you to explain to them how you are losing your marbles. Are we making all of this up in order to disturb you further, or then again, might you just be losing your mind after enduring all of this?
17 thoughts on “Mind Games – Part One”
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Dear Mr Tudor,
Mind games is an understatement
So effortless for the narcissist, so intensely damaging for the victim
By continually rereading your amazing work, awareness of different aspects become highlighted throughout the healing, learning and growth journey
Another exceptional article, this one is “mind” blowing
Thank you
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
“Mind Games” is what I typed in the search bar after a bit of research on cognitive dissonance. I typed it in English as I couldn’t think of an expression in my language that would be as commonly used and precise (indeed, the official translation for it just doesn’t convey the same thing). And it led me to the youtube KTN video with the same title, and to this site the next day. Listening to the video confirmed that it wasn’t me being paranoid, or misinterpreting, and that mind games are a staple with narcissists.
My first step towards firm grounds.
Please remember there are Narcs I both sexes ….there is constant referral to “ he” My experience has been the opposite and all the research defines this woman perfectly .Still trying to navigate my way out of the damage she caused
We know full well that there are narcissists of both sexes, my work makes that clear, however writing he or she, himself or herself, his or hers over and over again becomes time consuming and labours reading, hence he is adopted for the sake of ease of reference. Keep reading Jos and do avail yourself of a consultation, many other men have done so, to assist you in working your way through the situation you are in.
Welcome Jos
We are very aware of female narcs, but you will see “he” appearing more often because a large number of those commenting are women who have been ensnared by male narcs and it is a bad habit (at least of mine) to default to the majority. We are however, keen to hear the experiences of those such as yourself and it would go a long way in helping to remind us and to encourage more inclusivity in the language we use. We encourage you (and others reading that find themselves in your situation) to share your experiences with a view to effecting that.
Welcome to the blog Jos. There is a world of information here to help you find your way out and feel better. Comment, ask questions, it’s the fastest way to learn I think. It’s the combination of the material itself and the support of other readers that has really helped me so far. I hope you stick around.
Join the club, Jos. My relationship narcs have been male, but the vast majority of my school and work narcs have been female. They are usually mid-rangers, and their default position is trying to provoke everybody else so they can protest their innocence and imply you’re the crazy one.
Welcome, Jos. You are in the best place to find your way out of the abuse you have suffered at the hands of that woman. You will find as you start reading and listening to the material, that ‘she’ is indeed used alternatively to ‘he’ sometimes, but not on top of, for the reasons HG has pointed out.
I have had as many confirmed narcs that have been females as have been males, in my life, though not in the same types of relationships. And reading, sharing with others, learning here, has helped me in all cases.
Do share. I think we would all welcome a man’s point of view and experience on the readers’ side too.
Assuming you are a man, Jos. Apologies if I am unduly jumping to (silly) conclusions.
Check out the “Very” series Jos. HG takes on female narcs such as Megan Markle, Taylor Swift etc… don’t feel discouraged. You will be validated on this site.
In fact, I think dealing with female narcs is more difficult in a lot of ways. Firstly, because society paints women as the “weaker” sex. We are sweet and innocent and a female narc can be skilled at painting themselves as victims.
I think it would feel more difficult for victims of females to speak out. Especially in the case of heterosexual couples. The man probably feels confused and completely embarrassed that he is being “de masculated”
So to speak. Also, given the biological component that women are more hormonal in nature I would imagine men would come up with even more excuses then women for their partners confusing behaviour.
We are all used to hearing stories about men being aggressive abusers, but we hear far less about the female counterparts. And it’s not as rare as we all might think.
Don’t know your story Jos. But keep reading.
Due to my lifelong association with narcissists I have been subjected to every one of these.
Mea Culpa – “through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault” – must be like music to the narcissist’s ears. Leaving them blameless and us responsible for their fault, invariably trying to put things to right.
I have found it virtually impossible to understand mind games as an empath. Due to all the virtues assigned to empaths, it is not possible to be so manipulative, insincere, or downright dishonest. My narcissistic traits came to the fore in the process of ending my last relationship. It became a case of let the mind games begin. And was necessary for me as a means of claiming back my dignity while also giving him a taste of his own medicine. In some respects he got what so many others prior to him deserved. I wasn’t going to let one more narcissist get by me. Especially one who had so thoroughly hoodwinked me at a vulnerable time in my life. He won’t forget me.
Can you please how did you pay him back? Asking for myself
In a very subtle way, which I think in the end was far more impactful than shouting from the rooftops that he was a narcissist! I was learning the art of subterfuge and I was also possibly enraged.
The marker of the narcissists I have known has been stealth. The sneak up on you and you never have your guard up when they do. They take you by surprise – whether in seducing you (prefer that to ‘love bombing’, much more sophisticated), devaluing you or dumping you – and surprise is the tactic by which they win every single time. So, stealth became my marker, and what he didn’t expect came to be what ought to be expected, and what he didn’t see coming, he should have seen.
So, subtlety or stealth were paramount. Little hints getting dropped here and there. I’d located his ex-wife. He never told me her name. I made him aware by making reference to a book she had written. He wouldn’t have necessarily guessed that I knew her name, but would have been concerned at the reference and left wondering what I knew. I was gaslighting him. At this point his facade would have come under more immediate threat (just one example of a number of actions undertaken on my part) although I had ensured in other ways it was already beginning to crumble.
So my tactic was to undermine, as I had in so many ways been undermined. It worked.
And it also hurt my empath soul to do it.
Wow, LET I did not know this. Forgive me if I missed it elsewhere. Perhaps we are kindred spirits, well, except for the last line. I have no such qualms when individuals (N or otherwise) have doled out untold misery. I’m curious to know more, but if you have already shared, I shall endeavor to find it.
As HG always recommends, the no contact route is the best one to use.
But, I was oblivious then. And I was also enraged. How could this happen again?!
I think I’ve just been used and abused so many times, this time – now that I had a level of narc vision – I was not going to go quietly into the night. I couldn’t.
I have shared one other thing that I did which was triangulate him with the person (other female) he was trying to triangulate me with. It was a measure designed to throw them both into confusion for a short period (she was a narc also).
I also blanked him out in a group setting which would have wounded him as that would have been obvious to others in the group. I’m sure he was primed for a hoover manoeuvre at that stage.
I spent the best part of a month in direct conflict with him using a variety of overt and covert manoeuvres and also planted the suggestion during that period that he was a narcissist with one other person who I expected to take that to others along with a number of stories as to how he had abused me. This was to help offset the smear campaign. It was minimal, but it would raise questions amongst those who loved to gossip. And could possibly counter the ‘she’s a crazy bitch’ scenario for some.
Prior to that I played some of my own mind games with him as I drew him and his deception out. That scenario of cat and mouse probably lasted a month or so while I remained fully engaged with him.
When I arrived here I was a month out of the whole scenario and as devastated as if we’d parted ways yesterday. I still could not come to terms with it even though I knew what he was, had taken him to task, and told him I would have no more to do with him.
He had also pulled plenty of malign manoeuvres, so it wasn’t a one way street.
I felt justified and still do.
But it didn’t remove the impact he had on my life, though that is lessening now.
This article is so amazingly accurate. I appreciate these things being acknowledged so very very much thank you!!!
Isolation? Not a mind game in itself perhaps but it is achieved through mind games. Ref Horns and Halos.
When you list them like this I’m surprised how many I experienced. 13 out of the 17. I’m shocked.