Eyes Wide Shut

EYES-WIDE-SHUT

 

Will you ever recognise me as I walk towards you, rictus grin fixed across my face, eyes ablaze with love, passion and desire? Will you notice the way I keep you in my sights as my charm flows over you, seeping into your every pore and orifice?

Will you take heed of the sugar-coated words as they spill from my mouth, telling you so remarkably all the things that you want to hear? Will you take note of the phrases which have been recycled again and again and possess the novelty of a cliché? Will you look deep into my eyes and see past your reflection or will you remain transfixed by what shines in these dulled, dark eyes?

Will you question how is it that I know so much about you, where you live, where you work, your hobbies and your hates? Will you feel the chill down your spine as I appear once again without warning at a location you frequent or will you regard it as the tingling sensation of excitement and the thrill of my alluring personality?

Will you question the platitudes that I issue, like confetti sprinkled on the breeze or will you smile and nod and savour the warmth that rises within you as I tell you how wonderful you are and that we belong together?

Will you frown at my declaration of love within a day and a night and a day of meeting you or will you accept and swallow those carefully crafted words without a moment’s consideration? Will you wonder how my hands and mouth became so skilled or will you submit to their heady application and give breathless thanks that they are laid upon you?

Will you query how this golden light continues to shine and wonder why you were chosen above all the others? Will you see through the veneer of scathing hatred for those who have gone before you or will you become co-conspirator and sneer at her or at him, disgusted by their lack of dignity in the way that they behave?

Will you not ask yourself whether their words ring with truth and why they look as if their very essence has been sucked from them, leaving naught but a fractured shell? Will you wonder why the gifts keep on coming? Will you question the forbidden fruits that have been laid before you or will you gorge on them, delirious with desire and elated by the ecstasy of our largesse?

Will you recognise me when I turn my face from you when you try to kiss me? Will you know what is happening when you are left in a tearful heap on the floor for the third time in a week or will you flagellate yourself for your shortcomings? Will you notice as the triangles are weaved around you and your best friend becomes your supposed enemy, but by whose say so?

Will you fight back against the control that is exerted on the way you look, what you choose to do and who you interact with or will you accept it and allow your sense of self to evaporate? Will you understand what is happening to you as you crawl alone into that ice-cold bed, this once haven of sexual congress that now lies like an empty tomb ? Will you realise what is going on as you blink back tears as the clock shows 3am and you have no idea where I am?

Will you stand up for yourself when you are labelled whore, slattern, idiot and fool or will you bow your head and retreat, thankful that your injuries are only verbal. This time. Will you remember what you once were ? Will you remain bound by the chains of confusion or will you break them across your knee and free yourself from your cruel bondage?

Will you recognise me as my hand grips your throat and my bile-infused words rain down on you, spittle flecked hatred peppering your face? Will you dial my number for the fiftieth time in two hours as you desperately try to hear my voice and ask me, beg me, plead for me to come home?

Will you wince as another dinner set falls prey to my savage fury ? Will you kneel and pick up the pieces, fingers shaking as you fumble for the broken shards that lie scattered across the floor? Will you know what is being systematically done to you each and every day or will you obscure the reality by praying for that golden light to come back and dispel the darkness?

Will you recognise me for what I truly am or will you make yet another excuse, wondering what will happen when you run dry of the excuses and hastily constructed explanations for my reign of terror?

Will you recognise me as I cast you aside, shoved into the dirt and sneered at? Will you look up from the smouldering ruins of what we once had and see her (or is it you?) looking back at you with disdain writ large across her made-up features? She seems so familiar, do you know her, there is such a fog now and it clouds so much.

Will you understand why you have been forgotten about as your numbed fingers compose another searching e-mail, asking for explanations that will not come, expressing tearful anger that will be smiled at, detailing your abject hurt which will only ever receive a dismissive shrug?

Will you recognise me for what I am when I reach out a hand and lift you from your broken existence? Will you know what truly is going to happen as I lead you once more towards the brilliant, burning golden light?

Will you feel the prick of caution in your mind or will you gladly race towards the promised land once again, concern and hesitation thrown to one side?

Will you notice the rictus grin once again as you race ahead of me?

Will you pay attention to the darkened glint in my baleful gaze or will you charge headlong towards the paradise,  addicted to its warmth and glorious sensations?

Will you recognise me as I close the door behind us, bolt it and turn the heavy iron key in the lock as the thick drapes are pulled across the dirt-smeared windows?

Will you notice the sharpened dagger that I have produced and hold behind my back?

Will you stop and glance in the shattered mirror that dominates this place and if you do, will you recognise yourself?

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30 thoughts on “Eyes Wide Shut

  1. Kim e says:

    Eternity,
    It is not you. Time is the healer and it will take time….lots of it. It will take falling off the ET boat and getting back on it. Please, and I do not want to make this sound unattainable or sugar coat it,realize this will take at least 6 months of total NC. There will be hills and valleys. There will be lots of tears and feeling completely like you want to crawl out of your skin.
    Time is both your friend and your enemy. It is your friend as it makes your ET go down. It is your enemy because it makes your ET fight to stay alive.
    One hour at a time in the beginning. Read, come here and scream and cry. Come here and tell us when you fall down so we can pick you back up.
    If you can consult with HG. Best thing I ever did.
    Hang in there Eternity. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

  2. December Infinity says:

    Intense. I am still coming out of the fog and trying to make sense of what and who I had been dealing with. As time went on, the more trouble he caused and as he would make me more upset he would relish it …. and then I would see that sneer, the grin. Ugh. This is the time to learn the lesson. Now that I am out I will acquire the knowledge so I never experience this again.

  3. Joe Wilsdon says:

    @umeltmyheart2stone I have the same worry… Even since discovering H. G s site and learning about narcissism I have nevertheless been ensnared twice despite weaponisation. The only caveat is that on these occasions I knew the signs and got out before total chaos struck. I still keep the right ones out and let the wrong ones in. 😔

  4. Eternity says:

    Wonderful article , I know from my experience I have excepted your kind and made excuses after excuses and have been so patient for so long. I will probably die first before I find any happiness in my life I have given up and I even though hate is a strong word as the song goes I hate myself for loving you!

    1. truthseeker6157 says:

      Eternity,

      They do make you feel like that don’t they? They make you feel like you will never get over the loss of them, that the confusion and the upset is normal and that life without them in it will just be boring, second rate and mundane. It won’t be. Life without them in it just allows you to get back to being you again. All the things you forgot you wanted, the things you used to enjoy, that you couldn’t enjoy because your head was filled with them, the confusion and the mind games. You think you will never be happy. The only certainty there is that you will never be happy if you stay with the narcissist. Get away from him and you stand a far better chance. Don’t give up, you found the blog, this is the bit where you get back on your feet!

      1. Eternity says:

        Truthseeker, the problem is I dont know who I am anymore. I have changed into this horrible person especially when I am around him. I will be on the blog as much as I can and learn from HG and the gang. I know there is happiness out there,but for now I need to find myself first and that will take a very long time . Thank you so much .

        1. truthseeker6157 says:

          Eternity, you will change when you are around him. That’s what emotional thinking does. You will accept things you shouldn’t need to accept. Fight manipulations that are used against you and all the while become drained in the process. We forget what normal is in the attempt to fix everything.

          You will also change when you aren’t around him though.

          You need to be away from him for your emotional thinking to fall, for the cloudiness to lift so that you can actually think straight again. My emotional thinking is awful. I hate the feeling when it takes hold. I don’t think straight, but I’m convinced that I’m right and everyone else has it wrong !

          You are likely behaving like ‘ a horrible person’ because your emotional empathy is being eroded.’ That’s his influence on you. ‘Why am I behaving like a narcissist?’ And ‘The Empathy Cake’ are helpful in understanding this. You haven’t become a horrible person. You are still in there! Emotional Thinking does fall when you are out of their influence, but it takes time. You do go back to just being you again, with all of the beautiful qualities that make you. You’ll just a wiser version!

          It takes time for HG’s material to sink in. You could read all of it in a week and it won’t have the same effect. You can’t rush it. Find your pace, your pace, no one else’s, and let things sink in. Think about the articles and overlay them onto your own experiences. Bit by bit, the logic takes effect. You will then feel ready and able to get away once it’s time.

          I’m glad you found us.

          1. Eternity says:

            Truthseeker thank you for the welcome! I agree My Narcissist traits are coming out and I dont llke it. I am edging ,jumpy and impatient lately. Yesterday I lined up at the grocery store and I was getting upset especially wearing the mask too. I put gas in my car and someone behind me told me to hurry up and I gave him the finger. I have never ever been like this in my life . I burst out crying for no reason and just want to be alone.
            This blog is helping me vent and getting out my feelings. So I am extremely grateful.
            Time will tell what is going to happen next.

          2. truthseeker6157 says:

            Eternity,

            Try not to beat yourself up. You know the arse at the gas station might just have deserved what he got?! Maybe he thinks twice about making comment in future.

            You are getting upset because, that’s not how you normally behave, I understand that. It’s not you. Consider this too though. You have your reasons just now, you didn’t start it, didn’t scream or cuss him out, you stayed well within the range of acceptable responses in my view. You are human and are allowed a bad day. No one said we had to be angels.

            You have been through a truly horrible time, you’re upset, frustrated, sad and maybe even angry, because it’s just not fair.
            All of that is just fine, you won’t find any judgement here.

            You will revert back to you once you start to feel better. Reading this material will ensure you start to feel better and if it doesn’t then just say and we will all do our best to help. HG will point you in the direction of the material you need to read and you’ll be up and running and back on track to being you.

            I’ll tell you this in the meantime, might help you feel a bit better.

            I had had a really rubbish day at work. I stopped for groceries on my way home. It’s was absolutely pouring down. I pulled in to the grocery and couldn’t find a space in the parking lot. The only free ones were right at the top end, furthest from the door. I saw a car pull out nice and close but when I got there it was a mother and baby space. I thought, ‘ screw it, I’ll only be a minute.’ I parked and got out of the car, began walking to the door, no coat. Behind me I heard, ‘ Excuse me! excuse me!’ I turned and a supermarket employee in waterproofs was racing across the parking lot towards me. I really wasn’t in the mood.

            ‘ Excuse me but that’s a mother and baby space.’
            ‘I know.’
            ( pause)
            ‘But you can’t park there.’
            ‘Why not?’
            ‘Because you don’t have a baby.’
            ‘It’s in the trunk.’

            With that I turned and walked into the supermarket. The guy just stood there and watched.

            Do I always park in those spaces? No. Should I have parked there? No. Is that out of character? Yes. Did I feel guilty afterwards? A bit. So my narcissistic traits came out. Sometimes, it’s ok that they do. I’m a good person. I just was having a really bad day.

            Hope this helps x

        2. Violetta says:

          Eternity:

          Ancient joke: patient does an arm movement, says, “Doctor, it hurts when I do this.”

          Doctor, doing the same movement: “Don’t do this.”

          “I have changed into this horrible person especially when I am around him.”

          Don’t be around him.

          GOSO

          1. HG Tudor says:

            I have used that retort myself.

          2. Violetta says:

            I’m well aware that it is usually easier said than done, but at least she’s recognizing that he brings out the worst in her, instead of wondering why she can’t seem to do anything right.

      2. Eternity says:

        Kim e, thank you so very much!

    2. Duchessbea says:

      Don’t ever hate yourself for loving something. It wasn’t your fault they are just a creature living a somewhat shell like existence. There are a lot of good empathic people out there. Dust yourself off, do yourself up and get out there and meet them. Just a quick side note: anything that feels off, you feeling like you are walking on egg shells or you just think this person’s personality is very similar to the narc, walk away at the end of the date. You have been there and done that. No more. The trash took itself out. You are looking for quality. Keep your eyes and ears wide open. Enjoy.

      1. Eternity says:

        Duchessbea, I think that the addiction will always be there as HG has stated . I dont want to go from one N to another. I cant even imagine it for a minute. Knowing my weakness it is likely it would happen again since I always try and fix a situation and need to know answers right away . I am a very honest person and say exactly what is on my mind . We are not perfect but we do care I cant change who I am just like the N cant change who they are . I just need to trust my gut instinct and that helps a lot since we learn from these experiences. Take care luv xoxo

        1. HG Tudor says:

          To understand more about the addiction, where it comes from, what it does and its effect on you and what you can do, see The Addiction Triple Package. This is why I create the material, so you can access it and understand.

          1. Eternity says:

            HG, I have this package I just need to apply more logic . I am not as strong as some other people on the blog who apply it more than me . I know I am intelligent enough to understand it and I do ,but my fricken ET brings me to square one . I have faith in myself that I will get there .it may just take longer.

  5. umeltmyheart2stone says:

    It doesnt matter what is done to me, I will always be addicted.

    1. truthseeker6157 says:

      Unmelt,

      Yes you will always be addicted. Yes it certainly does matter what is done to you! There are always other choices. There is always a way out. It starts here. Keep an open mind and keep reading the articles that are posted on the blog.
      HG has helped many many people to break free from their narcissist. He can help you too. You don’t have to be alone in this. The women here are hugely supportive. There’s nothing you can say that will be judged or criticised here. We have all felt that we can’t face making changes. Step by step with HG’s logic and the support of others in similar situations, we are making those changes and feeling better because of them.

      Please don’t say it doesn’t matter what is done to you. It does matter. Keep reading x

      1. umeltmyheart2stone says:

        Thank you, I appreciate the kind words. Today has been especially awful. I will keep reading!

        1. Violetta says:

          umeltmyheart2stone:

          You will always be addicted, but you won’t always be going through the agony of withdrawal. The pain will diminish or even disappear, and your focus will be simply on avoiding getting hooked again.

        2. truthseeker6157 says:

          I’m so sorry you had such an awful day Melt. When you feel ready to talk, we are all here to listen and support. Timing has to feel right for you though.
          Good, yes, keep reading. Reader comments help a lot too. They show you that you aren’t on your own in it. Others here will have experienced similar, fought similarly, and felt similarly to how you feel now.

          It can get better.

    2. Duchessbea says:

      U only think that. I thought the same way to. Lust is a bitch. The sooner you get out there and meet someone new, someone who is good, you’ll be annoyed with yourself for wasting time thinking about the narc. Know your worth, you deserve better. As HG says, when you know, you go. Get out there and live your best life. You will be so much happier.

    3. Ahamoment says:

      This. He’s remarried now (I divorced him a year ago for the kids well being) but still feeling the pain and missing him (ET off the charts) as if it just happened.

      1. truthseeker6157 says:

        Aha moment,

        I’m only a few months on the blog. There are people that can likely shed more light on why you still miss him as much as you do.
        I know what you mean with that because I still miss my narc too. I don’t miss him to the extent I did at the start though. I don’t ache. I have key times where I am worse but outside of those key times I feel like myself again.

        For me, I think there is a bit more yet to review and unpick. More ties to cut if you like. I don’t know exactly what those ties are, but suspect I can lower that missing part further if I keep reading and maybe review some material I first read when my ET was high. Maybe you are similar? There will be a reason that it still feels so raw, one that you can isolate and unpick so you feel better.

        Maybe a consult with HG would speed up the process? I have never had one, have been ok just working through the material on my own, but I would consult if I felt suddenly worse or hit a wall with feeling better. Everyone who has a consult has been incredibly positive about the impact it has. Might be worth a thought, can’t be nice for you living with ET like that all the time.

        1. Ahamoment says:

          Few months here as well, and I am learning… as awful as that is when you find out what you have been dealing with for so long.
          I’m still processing a lot and my ET is still wacky but reading here helps me counteract the tendency to only remember the good stuff.
          We have 2 children (teens, a girl he adores and a son he has scapegoated) so there is interaction sometimes.
          Trying to heal myself, deal with the fact that his side piece (of 10 years it seems) is now his wife, and in a pandemic which allows for far too much time to think, it has been hard.
          I am getting better day by day, but despise those out of nowhere triggers (songs, phrases etc) that knock you for a loop.
          I know it isn’t him so much, but the IDEA of him and how all the memories I had that were special have been tainted by his lies. I was doing okay until he got married and then I was back to square one even though she’s already freakimg out that he’s cheating 🙂

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Welcome Ahamoment, focus on you. Forget about what he is doing in the new relationship, you do not need to know. You will find How To Coparent With a Narcissist very helpful and I recommend you consult with me so I can provide you with focussed guidance on your no contact regime so you make progress much faster from what is evidently an unpleasant situation for you.

          2. truthseeker6157 says:

            Aha moment,

            That makes sense. Interaction with him will raise your ET every time. It must be so much harder when children are involved. The objective will be to interact with him as little as is humanly possible. HG will be able to help there. I’m sure he has witnessed all kinds of manipulations in that situation and can teach you how to avoid each one.

            Yes, it is the idea of them I think. In some ways we create the person we think they are in our own minds aided by the golden period. I think it’s our own creations that remain the longest, kept fresh by the reminders. Songs, phrases, places.

            Know this though. He may well be married now, he seemed to move on so fast. He is able to do that as there is no emotional empathy. He didn’t and doesn’t love. He will not change or miraculously be fixed by the new wife. The relationship will follow the same path as yours. There are no happy endings with him.

            There will be for you though.

            I think it’s amazing that you have got as far as you have. Talk to HG if you can. There will be ways you can lower your ET and feel better faster.

          3. Ahamoment says:

            HG Tudor,
            I really didn’t want to know what was happening in their relationship but my daughter was visiting with her grandparents and because he was calling a new number to speak with her daily, she called and left a message.

    4. Eternity says:

      Exactly ! The addiction is always going to be there it sucks. I remember one Christmas years back when my N parent said to me why arent you happy. And festive when putting up the Xmas tree. I had a N boyfriend at the time as well and he was giving me the good old silent treatment .I was mad so.
      I turn around and said what do you want me to do stick holly up my nose .
      My N parent wasnt impressed.

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