The Narcissist Manipulates : Insidious Manipulation
You caught the same train at 8-05 am every day from Monday to Friday. You always sat at a window seat nearest to the door with a seat beside you and a double seat opposite you. You never sat and read the paper. You did not hold a book. You kept your mobile ‘phone in your bag rather than prod and jab at it. You preferred to look at the passing scenery. You preferred to look at your fellow travellers. You told me that the opposite seat was free. You returned my smile.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You said hello on the following day. You smiled again. You engaged in small talk with me and answered my seemingly innocuous questions. You accepted my compliment about your fragrance with modesty and thanks. You told me your name and I told you mine.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You said hello again the day after and the one after that. You smiled at me first this time. You engaged in small talk again but it grew from small to medium as the train left the station. You told me where you worked and what you did. You told me where you used to work. You explained all about your hoped for transfer to another department. You told me about your colleagues and laughed at my remarks about them.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You turned in your seat looking for me as I entered the train. You smiled and the smile was wider. You waved me over and we engaged in conversation. The small talk had been left on the platform. You told me this, you told me that and you told me about the other. I absorbed it all. I told you how your outfit suited you and you told me where you got it from. You told me where you lived. You told me you lived alone.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You looked for me again as you did every day. You always kept a seat for me. Sometimes opposite you. Sometimes beside you. You always had plenty to talk to me about. You showed me your new ‘phone and I saw the Facebook logo. I also memorised your four-digit passcode as you tentatively typed it. You told me that you were going for drinks after work and you told me the bar.
You shouldn’t have done that.
I went to the bar but did not look for you. You came and found me instead. You invited me over. You invited me and my two lieutenants to join you and your colleagues. You introduced me to them and them to me. I made you laugh. I made them laugh. I bought you more drinks. You touched my arm and your touch lingered.
You shouldn’t have done that.
Your privacy settings are not as good as they should be. You placed so much of your life online. You accepted my friend request. You messaged me first that Thursday evening and I messaged back. You messaged again and again so I did so too. You told me about your plans. You told me about your family. You told me about your friends.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You met me for coffee. You answered my questions. You gave me more and more information as our friendship grew. You gave me your telephone number. You told me about your ex. You told me about the one before him. You showed tears in your eyes.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You met me for dinner. You laughed at my jokes. You told me your hopes. You told me your fears. You told me what you liked and I liked it too. You told me where you wanted to travel to and I wanted to travel there too. You looked in my eyes and you allowed me in.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You invited me to the party at your house. You greeted me with delight. You let me into your house. You showed me your books. You showed me your tastes. You showed me your friends and let me entertain them. You showed me my recruits. You poured me a drink and I poured one for you, then another and another. You kept coming to see me as I kept the group in the palm of my hand. You smiled and you laughed and you looked at me with something else, something more in your eyes. You kissed me.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You answered my calls. Each and every one. You talked with me for hours. You answered every one of my messages. You showed excitement. You showed delight. You showed enthusiasm. You accepted the flowers. You rang and thanked me. You accepted the jewellery. You rang squealing with pleasure. You accepted the invitations. You invited me over. You made me dinner. You insisted I stay. You took me to bed.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You thrilled at my notes. You soared at my voicemails. You revelled in my messages. You thanked me for my generosity. You clapped your hands in excitement when I showed you the tickets. You kept asking me to stay. You held on to me all night. You whispered in my ear and told me what you wanted, although I already knew.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You told me to leave a toothbrush. You insured me on your car. You gave me a key. You booked our first holiday together. You introduced me to your family. You introduced me to your boss. You introduced me to him, to her, to everyone. You believed everything I told you.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You gave me your heart and said keep it safe. You told me your plans for us. You told me you loved me though I said it first. You told me nothing like this had happened before.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You made this choice. You let me in. You ignored the red flags. You let my tendrils slide around you. You told me how I had captured your heart and made you a queen. I whispered softly in your ear as you slept in my arms,
“I always do that.”
15 thoughts on “The Narcissist Manipulates : Insidious Manipulation”
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“You ignored the red flags”…Was the red flag simply that it was too good to be true? I have now been involved with 2 NPD, they could not have been more different.
The first, if I had known about NPD, I would have recognized the signs…the love bombing and the constant (lack of boundaries) calling/texting, gifts, trips, the words describing me as the one, he had never loved anyone like me. The way he described battles with his boss (battling narcs). His first issue with me, and his reason for discarding me the first time, was that I didn’t listen to him, he felt “unheard” and that I interrupted him. If that happened to me now, I would get out ASAP.
The second, although I was not initially a primary source, was impossible to recognize. He was (initially) modest, shy, didn’t talk about himself. He was quietly persistant. There was normal flirting, but I wasn’t wisked away. He rarely called me (now I know why). It wasn’t until I was already hooked that I saw the lies, ghosting and gaslighting. Eventually, it was blaringly clear what he was and he was far more dangerous than my first as I became a candidate for IPPS. I am still trying to get away from him and starting to believe he has other issues in addition to NPD.
Yes the narcissists are invasive and spend their time observing ever playing the game, Been caught before and this article/article made me realize how quick the narc entices … plus there are things we should NEVER share with them. Basically I set myself up for manipulation without realizing it.
December Infinity….what things should we never share?
True story (well other than the bit at the end saying “I always do that”)?
I didn’t long check out some of the voice recordings you have made available on this site Strikes me that you have a very well spoken and engaging voice (The Raven recording makes me think of those asmr videos on YouTube – I found it pleasant/relaxing to hear in the same sort of way).
If this story is a true one, and if you spoke in that way to the lady from the train in question, I think I can appreciate why that would have helped (with your other communication approaches) to help fast gain her trust. One would typically never think for a moment that this was coming from somebody with bad intentions. Clever masking/acting I have to admit. I can understand why it’s a genuine skill/talent – despite being one I’d strongly prefer not to be on the receiving end of from anybody.
No, I shouldn’t have done that.
It takes time Asp Empath,
I have days where I feel like me again, I think I’m back to normal, then for some reason I dip. I’m told It takes six months minimum after going no contact for ET to be at a manageable low level. That’s just a guide, depends on the empath and it depends on the depth of ensnarement. We are all different with our own triggers. It can’t be rushed. Having a break to concentrate just on yourself isn’t a bad thing anyway.
I’m trying to make a concerted effort. Today I went out on the bike to somewhere I hadn’t been before. I really enjoyed the area. I came home and dusted off my juicer. I used to juice a lot, felt better for it. Somehow just got out of the habit. Forgot how to put the damn thing together. Wrestled with it for 30 mins ha ha. It’s all clean ready to go again tomorrow though. I’d have got frustrated with it a few months ago and put it back in the cupboard. I got frustrated and upset by a lot of things a few months ago.
I also booked tennis lessons for myself and my daughter. Never played tennis. I think being beaten by a twelve yr old might be good for my humility!
Little things make a difference. Little things click together to turn into a better mind set I think.
You will feel ready to date again in the future, the thought of it right now seems not worth the risk because you aren’t ready yet. Go easy on yourself, do some things again that you used to enjoy, raise your awareness and understanding and cut the risk of finding another narcissist in your future. You’ll get there!
Thank you so much for your words of support & motivation.
Your first paragraph – totally understand – it’s different from person to person.
LOL re: juicer. Think I’d chucked it out onto the concrete outside. Maybe in 6 months or so, I’d probably give it to a charity shop and get something more simple to operate. Right now, a hammer and board may be simple enough…..
Well done on your making changes to your life re: different ways of doing things or starting something new.
I totally get what you are saying. I enjoy gardening and am thankful I have one. It takes time to recover from mind fks, emotional damage etc. Depends on the background, upbringing, type of friends (and enemies!) that you have. It was only a month ago when I came across KTN website. To date, I have basically confirmed my instincts were correct and the knowledge I have gained to date has helped my understanding my whole life. Also explained a LOT of what had happened. Right now, the ET is too high to comfortably say I feel better but what I can say is I think better.
Thank you once again. I really appreciate it.
Asp Empath
Hahaha, honestly, I’ve never had any kitchen item so damn difficult to put together! In fairness, I don’t do shapes even on a good day, but still this is beyond a joke.
4 weeks is very early days, it’s great that you are piecing things together. I think understanding what happened is key to moving past it. They never answer questions, we get our answers here.
I read some articles and pieces from the Knowledge Vault then went back to them later. It shocked me to see how little I had taken in when my ET was high at the start compared to later as it fell. Key items I play / re read regularly. Audio items particularly. The certainty in HG’s explanation calms me down. So audio can be a good option when you have a tougher day, at least it is for me. Also venting on here has helped too. Other readers haul you up when you are having a wobble. I’ve noticed everyone dips from time to time, even those that really know there stuff. I think it’s an ongoing thing, no definitive end point for ET, it stays there but peaks then levels. So don’t be hard on yourself, expect it, then it isn’t a shock 🙂
So glad you are finding the answers you need, that’s great news !
“They never answer questions, we get our answers here” – exactly what I’m finding. A good friend said to me around 7 months ago that I may never get the answers I was seeking – now I know what they meant.
I think that the ‘shock’ part combined with high ET has the biggest impact. I get really pissed off at times but I don’t dwell on it (trying my best not to). I felt so much better after a major rant about the Sasquatches – they’re gone now but stealing land is a big no-no (got it back but still other damage to my property until they moved!).
When I first started reading information on KTN, my brain kept ‘seeing’ the little sweet extra terrestrial when I saw the letters ET !!!
Thank you for being here 🙂
Asp Emp,
Your last comment really made my morning.
Thank you, I’m very happy to be here x
truthseeker…yes. Trying to find joy in the simple act of living a normal life without the narc. Although, for me, my greatest joy has been taken from me due to pandemic (I perform in live theatre).
Getting out in the fresh air, taking hikes and walks, eating healthy, yoga…difficult to get the motivation, but so worth it once Im there.
On dating…I came across someone I had dated last summer, he got squeezed in between my narc, who pursued me only as a secondary source (perhaps even further down the chain). He didn’t have enough time for me, so I moved on (although narc still consistently texted me every morning). RED FLAG
This other guy (who I believe to be an empath) got pummeled when the narc realized I was slipping away. Narc fought, and succeeded, to get me back. I was moved up the chain. If only I had recognized who he was.
Now my pummeled empath is back, and we are starting to see eachother. I know I shouldn’t be dating. Plus, I still have the narc lingering around, proclaiming for the umpteenth time that he has changed, dropping off gifts. This is him being calm, as he had gone to great lengths to try and get me back, tracker on my car yadda yadda…
I feel disconnected, empty, despite how nice it is to see someone so open, honest, giving, and most importantly, MONOGOMOUS. Shitty timing.
Beguiled,
I can imagine Covid has hit you hard. Theatres especially are struggling. Such a shame, particularly for those employed or taking part in theatre. Hopefully yours stays on it’s feet long enough to reopen.
I agree to all, apart from yoga. I don’t do slow and controlled. I do mad and frenetic ha ha! I know I should, I have been advised to, I have a lower back injury I picked up a few yrs ago training. It niggles occasionally. I’m told yoga would be good for me. Meh.
As far as the empath goes, if I were you, I’d just be honest. Tell him you really like being around him, but that the last guy made a bit of a mess. You don’t need to go into the detail of it. Tell him what you told me. You feel empty, you’ve got nothing to give just now. Be straight. He’ll appreciate that. Then his eyes are open and if he decides to continue then he knows not to push. It takes the pressure off you too. You can both spend time together without expectations getting in the way. A slow burn, then you are sure of him.
Nothing to lose. As long as you are sure he isn’t another narc that is. Stay alert!
Thuthseeker6157, thanks for the reply! Just seeing it now. I’m back to flying solo. It’s best that way, for now. Outside of moving, I have finally blocked my narc, completely. He is left with circling my complex…funny, A woman who my narc has been seeing (living off and using for a bed) the past 4 months just contacted me. She works for the city and found my RO on public record after she smelled something fishy. Boy was that conversation an eye opener for her!
I’m sorry to hear about your back, yoga is good, also muscle strengthening around that area.
A theatre I work at is doing a special small live performance that will be streamed. I’ll be reprising a song from a show I did for them. It’s nice to have a bit of something. Do you perform?
Beguiled,
Ooh that must have been an interesting conversation. What a gift! You got to expose him to the person that could really do him some damage just now. He loses two sources in quick succession, lovely.
That might throw him into a tailspin if he can’t talk her round. If she tells him about your conversation you might also find yourself as enemy number one depending on his school and cadre. Take a minute to lock down your no contact regime. If he calls round, stay indoors and leave him knocking. Do not under any circumstances interact with him. You’ve dealt the damage, don’t repair the wound by giving fuel. Ignore him safe in the knowledge that now he’s under stress. Let’s have a win for the good guys! About bloody time if you ask me.
In answer to the question, ‘Do I perform?’ Well, that all depends on context! Not on stage haha. I used to when I was a lot younger. I enjoyed it. My finest moment was playing a poppy in the Wizard of Oz! Where did all that talent go?!
Narc 1 was possessive, cruel, controlling.
Narc 2 was exactly as described in the story above, the variation different. I’d told this one about the horrible Narc 1! This one did the most & worst damage. Ever. More than any bereavements in my life time. And I stupidly believed him when he said he’d never hurt me etc. All the blithe BS. It’s more cruel that Narc 1.
There was a 5 year break between these two individuals. Both were very different.
I am pretty sure I am clued up to be aware, just need to make sure my ‘instincts’ are more finely tuned. Not yet convinced myself if it’s worth the pain, time, etc.
Need to read up on the information on Logic & Emotional Thinkings and digest it. ET levels not yet suppressed enough…… LT getting better……