No Contact Mistakes : Thinking We Will Not Hoover You

 

NO-CONTACT-MISTAKES-_-THINKING-WE-WILL-NOT-HOOVER-YOU

A second common mistake which occurs when somebody implements no contact is thinking that there will not be a hoover from us. As I have explained, the hoover takes place at various points in the dynamic between narcissist and victim. In this instance, it concerns the post escape or post disengagement  hoover.

Where you have escaped us, you will almost always face the Initial Grand Hoover as we unleash a frenzied attempt to bring you back under our control. This will happen where you tip us off and also once we realise you have embarked on your escape without giving us any notice of what you are doing. (You can read more about how we react in such instances in The Effect of No Contact On The Narcissist ) Should you manage to resist the Initial Grand Hoover you are usually granted a period of respite as we seek fuel from our supplementary sources (secondary and tertiary ) and look to find a different primary source.

Where you have been disengaged from of course there is no Initial Grand Hoover. We have a new primary source and we focus on that person, effectively deleting you from our minds. You may try to contact us, to get answers, to win us back, to try and resolve unfinished business and you are rebuffed and receive malign hoovers which cause you to back off.

Accordingly, in the case of escape you have rejected the Initial Grand Hoover and there is silence. Or, you have been disengaged from and your attempts to connect with us have been rejected and there is silence from us. You implement or maintain no contact going forward and the fact that you have heard nothing from us, no messages, no phone calls, nobody calling around to see you, no enquiries from our friends or family causes you to think that you have weathered the storm and that it is all over.

It is not.

I will return to this presently.

The other common mistake that people make with regard to thinking that we will not hoover is making use of the phrase ‘final discard’. I have seen this used many times and I do not know where it has originated from. It appears to be the case that people seem to think that there is some final flourish from us as we tell you that this time it is REALLY over and this time I mean it (although didn’t I say that last time?)

There is no such thing as a final discard. I have written previously that the word discard is not accurate because it really is a dis-engagement. In our minds, our relationship with you lasts until either you die or we die. It is for life because you belong to us. Yes, we will put you from our minds at certain times (when enjoying the golden period with someone else, when we place an IPSS on the shelf) but this does not mean that it is over.

Just because you have weathered the sustained effort of the Initial Grand Hoover to win you back does not mean that we have got the message and we will leave you alone. It is a temporary cessation in the hostilities. Our need for fuel will send us elsewhere as we hunt down a new primary source but we will be back. You have a period of respite by which you can build your no contact and recover but do not be drawn into thinking that this one off blitz of hoovering was the end of it. Similarly, do not think just because we have told you that we wish you would fuck off and die, or disappear off the planet that we will not come back for more. Just because you have tried to speak to us but we have rebuffed you does not mean that that is the end. Not at all.

We are contrarians, hypocrites and engage in contradictory behaviour. This is because of the narcissistic perspective that we adopt. We do what the fuel requires of us. All is as the fuel dictates it to be. If that means in January you are persona non grata, it does not mean that by May we will not declare our love for you once more. What has gone before is the past and we have no sense of shame or reluctance in coming back to you again. It does not matter that we once cast you aside because you failed us. That was then and this is now. Now somebody else has failed us, they have been painted black and this means that you are back in favour. You have recovered and we see you through the lens of being a ‘good’ person once again, someone who is going to give us what we need. It is irrelevant that you let us down  previously. What matters is that our perspective causes you to be seen as a good source of fuel and we want it.

It is understandable why you might think we might not hoover, this may be for any of the following reasons:-

  1. We were so savage in our disengagement of you;
  2. You exposed us to people when you escaped;
  3. Significant time has passed;
  4. You believe there was a ‘final discard’;
  5. You hear we are with somebody else;
  6. You are with someone new;
  7. You sent us packing when we tried the Initial Grand Hoover.

Whilst these may influence the likelihood of a hoover occurring they will not in themselves mean that it will not happen.

Accordingly, just because of the circumstances and the passage of time, you decide you can go back on social media, you can accept friend requests from strangers, you can go to the places you had avoided for some time, you can talk about us freely again with your friends or even our friends and so on. This is dangerous.

I am not suggesting that you must spend the rest of your life always looking over your shoulder. That is unsustainable but you ought not to think that there will never be a hoover because if you do this you will instinctively lower your guard and in so doing you will cause two things

  1. You are far more likely to activate a Hoover Trigger by entering the spheres of influence; and
  2. You will lower the bar on the Hoover Execution Criteria and thus increase the chances of a hoover happening.

Of course you may well be in a better place and thus far more able to repel the hoover when it happens but there remains a risk, because of your inherent susceptibility to our kind, that as I explained in Part One of this series, you will allow exposure to us cause your emotional thinking to rise and over take your logical thinking which means you are risking being dumped into the emotional sea once again.

If you think a hoover will never happen you will become complacent and you will then start to do the very things which will result in a hoover being MORE likely to happen. Thus, by always reminding yourself that there is a risk (even if it is very small) of a hoover taking place you will continue to maintain a degree of vigilance which ensures this risks stays small and you do not begin to engage in behaviours which encourage us.

I see repeatedly people state that they know their narcissist will not hoover again. They write that it will not happen and they are safe. The only way you are safe from a hoover is if we have died.

I have hoovered somebody after a 12 year hiatus (one of my readers was hoovered after a 26 year gap)  I would do it after a longer period of time if there was a Hoover Trigger and the criteria are met. There is fuel available and we will take it and assert our superiority and control over you. Remember, we made an investment in you, all that time ago and we will want to keep drawing on it. The fact you have not heard from us for a long time is because our attention was elsewhere and your no contact is proving effective so even if there is  Hoover Trigger, the criteria are not met and therefore no hoover follows.

If you start thinking we will never hoover you, you will become complacent and that is when you run a greater risk of a hoover actually taking place.

How to Stop the Hoovers

19 thoughts on “No Contact Mistakes : Thinking We Will Not Hoover You

  1. gibson says:

    HG, is it possible to inflict such an injury on the Narc that they will never hoover. I actually think he is afraid of me. I exposed him to his family with lots of embarrassing and personal things. He texted me and said that he would have talked to me but i blew him in to his family so basically he was done with me. Six months later he is engaged. and then married I purposefully have put myself in his sight twice now but no hoovers. One time he saw me and turned around and went the other way. I guess he’s all involved with the new wife?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Death puts a stop to it. Wounding a narcissist does not mean you will never be hoovered. Your exposure will have wounded but its impact has no dissipated. He turned around not because he is afraid of you, but to ignore you and assert control over you through withdrawal. He is most likely in the golden period with the new IPPS and therefore this has resulted in there being no need to hoover you. When he saw you, there was a Hoover Trigger, but the HEC was not achieved (most likely owing to the existence of the IPPS in the golden period) and therefore you were ignored.

  2. P says:

    Hi HG, we exchanged posts a day ago. My narc had contacted me after 2 plus years of no contact. You gave me some great advice, as well as some links. I unfortunately lost the thread of our replies. Is there a way to get back to them easily?
    I am re reading all your posts pertaining to my situation to find the thread. And give me strength. You are right. No matter how unemotional of a response, I need to continue with no contact. As always, pertaining to narc’s-you know best!

    1. NarcAngel says:

      P
      I believe you posted on: The Effect of No Contact on the Narcissist.

  3. Robin says:

    Xnarc is aware that I recently moved in to a new home with my boyfriend. He is now very eager to collect items he left behind when he discarded me 3 years ago. Is this considered hoovering?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is.

  4. blackcoffee30 says:

    To be clear, this article applies only to the IPPS?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, it is applicable to all appliances, although the IPPS is the main focus of the article.

  5. Tammy says:

    I’ve been trying to maintain no contact for almost 4 years and my ex still does try to hoover by using the kids to instill anger and protectiveness for them. I’ve been sticking to facts with no emotions involved so that the fuel is less. Unfortunate side effects from having children with a narcissist. Knowing he is trying to push buttons to get a reaction has given me the power to resist emotions when dealing with him, thank you HG for providing the information to reclaim my life and thoughts. I love thinking that shutting him down causes him some discomfort but let’s be honest, it probably doesn’t.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You’re welcome

  6. Leigh says:

    Mr. Tudor, you say you hoovered someone after a 12 year gap. Was the hoover to start the intimate relationship again or just to get a quick fix of fuel? Was the hoover successful?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Assert control, gain fuel and obtain a residual benefit.
      Was it successful? Ha ha ha, I am HG Tudor.

      1. Leigh says:

        Yes you are HG Tudor! Silly me! I should know better than to ask such a silly question!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You’re always welcome to ask.

  7. Summergirl says:

    3, that’s what I think, like what would he say after so long🤔

  8. Natalie says:

    Dear HG Tudor, may I ask you a question? Do these attempts to hoover people to recycle them happen because a narcissist delusionally believes that these people somehow belong to them forever? Or mostly because as time passes a narcissist becomes lazier or have less energy to give his resources to create new connections, to invest time, money, energy to get the desired fuel? Does he subconsciously realise that there is always a cycle that becomes at some point annoying to him. So he decides to play safe and go to people he already knows feeling or believing that they are easier to manipulate?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is driven by the sense of ownership.

      See also Pipelines and Changes to the Narcissist´s Fuel Matrix.

      1. Natalie says:

        Thank you!

  9. Asp Emp says:

    If he thinks I will ‘welcome’ him back in any regard, he can think again. I have told myself that I will never end up the way I did because of what he is and what he did to me. I’ll remain ‘Battling’ and refuse to enter the ‘emotional sea’ again.

    The fuel ‘criteria’ will not be met. I am confident of that.

    26 YEARS HG? OMG. I am really impressed about that.

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