I Spy A Private Eye
I have often mentioned the empath’s need to know. Initially this is borne out of your desire to know and to understand for the purpose of enabling you to discharge your caring and nurturing abilities. Only by understanding and knowing what is wrong, what is going through someone’s mind or understanding their situation are you able to assist and help. Some people like to know because they are inquisitive. Some people like to know because they are downright nosey. We like to know so we can use it against you or to further our own schemes. You like to know so you can help. This is a core trait of the empathic individual and it is not something that you are ever able to let go. Even when we are subjecting you to the devaluation you are unable to accept that it is happening without being able to understand why. You need to know. We know you need to know and we exploit this. This is why we engage in denial, deflection and circular arguments because we are entirely aware this inability to allow you to know and to understand draws fuel from you but also keeps you doing this. Even when we discard you, you still want to make sense of what has happened. You need and want to know why did we treat in the way we did, why did we do all those awful things to you and why were you not enough? By tapping into this trait of yours we also ensure that you have to know what we are doing once we have flung you to one side.
You will ask our friends what we are doing and pose similar questions to our family in a bid to ascertain what we are now doing without you. You ask your friends to spy on your behalf, gathering information about the places that we have been to and the people we have fraternised with. You see, if you try to escape from us then you cannot get rid of us as we appear with Hoover in hand ready to suck you back. However, if we have decided that we have extracted as much fuel as we possibly can from you (at least for now) we will do our utmost to remain invisible and keep you guessing. We want you wondering what we are doing? We want you to be sat contemplating where we are and who we are with? Are we happy? Are we thinking of you?
This need to know becomes overwhelming and you then embark on your role as private eye. You will stalk our Facebook page in order to gather information. We will block you in order to increase the work for you but you will use a friend’s profile to look or create a false one. You will drive past the places you know we might be, home, work and recreational and social places hoping to catch a glimpse of what we are doing so you can satiate that need to know. You will create a new profile and follow us on Twitter, checking each day to see what we have written. Is there a new girlfriend? What is she like? Are we taking her to the places we took you? Who are these people in the photographs and where are they taken? We know you will be spying and the more you try and learn the more questions will arise. We use obsessing as a method of manipulation and this continues in this mould.
Our everpresence will keep reminding you and you do not help yourself as you repeatedly reinforce our presence in your mind by searching, checking and spying. You will search our name on Google, examine our work website for any changes, check on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and LinkedIn. Like a detective hunting for clues you will keep at it each day. You create a habit in order to feed the addiction which is the need to know. We know you will do this, we engineer and we encourage this behaviour in you. The knowledge that you are engaged in these practices gives us fuel. We cannot see you or hear you yet we know you are spying on us. We know what you are like and we can picture you earnestly hunched over your keyboard as you stare at your monitor. Don’t deny it because when we do Hoover you it is one of the first things we tease from you. How many times a day did you check our Facebook profile? You will admit you did it at least three times a day and tell us how much you missed us. You will ask about the new person we were with and who you saw posts referring to and all the photographs that we displayed. Did we miss you too? You always ask this as well. Why? Because you always need to know.
47 thoughts on “I Spy A Private Eye”
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HG, thank you regarding the divorce advice .he says he wants to stay friends afterwards . He even wants to find the lawyer. All for control ! I just want him to sign the papers and then be done with it .
I recommend you consult with me.
HG, I may have to do that.
I can say that once I ended it, I had no desire to do a google search or check on social media. I don’t care what the narc is up to or who he is with. Blech.
This may sound odd (and be somewhat off topic) but I really don’t want to know what my ex narc is doing. I don’t need to see it. Without intending to sound ‘holier than thou’ I don’t look either.
I’m very green and I know I’ve much to learn, but this stage of my escape/exit so far isn’t part of my story. I’m curious as to know why.
He most definitely caused me suffering and depleted me of energy…and money. The only thing that comes to mind as a possible subconscious boundary… is my child. He started directing his manipulations towards her, and she frustrated the hell out of him. He became mean and would regress into this overgrown nasty child one might encounter on a playground. I was furious. At the same time, it was pathetic and repulsive for me to witness.
I find myself to be not interested or curious about him.
A
Good. Keep it that way.
HG,
I know if I hadn’t come across your work just at the right time my current situation would be very different. It’s like a switch has flipped in my brain….my sense of freedom is returning.
I’m grateful for this…it’s a huge weight lifted.
Thank you.
A
Good to read, you are in the only place which will ensure you will succeed.
Very accurate article, and a mistake many empaths do. Knowledge is a must in order to break free from the addiction the narcissist create throughout all 3 stages of the abuse. The narc is the spider; the web of lies served to ensnare the target; the target’s desire to know and understand is the paralyzing venom, and the darkness all around caused by the smear campaign makes it even more difficult for the target to seek help. That is why unless the target gain knowledge; she or he is likely to remain in the spider nest until the spider comes and finish off his/her snack. Thank you for the article HG Tudor👍
You are welcome.
The narc is doing exactly what he did when he was with you except with someone else. If they haven’t embedded a new replacement, they will be doing exactly what they did with you except with hoovering you constantly and also trying to promote the IPSS to IPPS.
If you’re NC and they don’t have a replacement IPPS, they’re doing exactly what they did before , except falling apart rapidly in chaos mode as they scramble to embed a new replacement or promote the IPSS.
I’m not just repeating what I’ve learned here. Ive witnessed it.
But I wouldnt have been able to identify what I was seeing if not for HG.
And of course if I’m missing something pls correct me HG so I have it right.
If you simply hire a private eye, it’s faster and less stressful, and you can put the dossier away until needed.
10/10 recommend.
HG your knowledge is vast, insightful and frightening (in a good way). Hmm. You would make an excellent James Bond. Smooth, sophisticated and cool. Stirred and never shaken. Shame you are your kind, if you were my kind, I’d be all over you in a very classy and elegant manner of course. Tending to your every whim and want.
Yes, we may need to ‘know’ if we do not understand what has happened during the “relationship”. If we do not understand or are aware of narcissism.
But. The narcissist is doing all the “research” on us in the first place – most often (from the sound of it), without our knowledge.
So, firstly, the narcissist has an innate need (natural to the narcissist but not ‘natural’ to the empaths or normals), to know everything about their object of interest. Thus it becomes almost an ‘obsession’ to the narcissist. Until (IF they succeed), they have consumed and sucked the object almost dry (unless it’s total and utter disposal, it will be totally dry).
Then after the disposal / flung to one side – the empath / normal is seeking answers. For those who are not aware of narcissism, it can end up being a never-ending road of mental & emotional trauma.
Please note: I didn’t use the word ‘appliance’ because no-one is really talking fridges here.
It’s torture either way, aware of narcissism or not. But I think you’ve nailed it Asp Emp with the idea that the stalking of the narcissist in the beginning becomes the stalking of the empath at the end. What a great insight. It’s like a total transference of the narcissist’s need on to the empath. They need to know before they ensnare us and we need to know once they have disengaged.
It’s hard to combat that desire, but brushing the dust off our sandals is the best thing we can do.
Correct. Sometimes the empath becomes the narcissist’s narcissist. I know what I’d with my sandals 😉 (oh, HG will mention something about that being an ET response).
I only dusted off my sandals after I slapped him around the head with them a few times 😛
HAHAHAHAHA. That’s a good one – really made me laugh 🙂
🙂
The best medicine.
So true. I only started “spying” AFTER we broke up… I actually didn’t pay attention to his social media at all while dating and didn’t pick up on the girls he was with etc.
Now I still spy 😂 guilty as charged but I don’t care…. he waited two years to “approach” me
While gathering Information. And now I’ve spent the next two years peicing it all together.
It won’t last forever. It’ll bore me eventually
Stop the spying, you are breaching no contact by entering the third arena. You know what he is, you do not need to know what he is doing now.
HG, have you ever had a scenario that both parties agree to divorce without a hassle?
I know of them, but they do not involve narcissists. See Why is Divorce So Hard.
HG, what if one is a Narcissist then and agrees to divorce, there must be a catch somewhere e.g. a form of manipulation . That’s what I am going through right now .
Yes it is a form of manipulation (see Is It a Manipulation? in the Knowledge Vault). The agreement is only because the narcissist wants it (for reasons of the Prime Aims) not because you have forced, persuaded, cajoled the narcissist into that position.
I was coming here to ask another question… and read this old post. Ever since the pandemic started… my no contact has been breached many times. I don’t know if its boredom, anxiety, loneliness. But I feel a void. A void that he can fill. All the distance has made me forget how awful he was to me all the time, it doesn’t hurt as much anymore therefore I can justify it in my mind. At this point I feel like I should stop thinking about it and just do it. It seems even more pathetic and ridiculous to just spy on his social media. The ruminating has become so obsessive that I’m genuinely concerned about myself… why can’t I move on from this ? I have moved on from other things in my life, but I just simply can not move forward with this one.
Your emotional thinking is too high and it is impacting on you by causing you to think that you should look at his social media and that he can fill the void. That is not logical. I recommend you organise a consultation with me, so I can help you in greater depth.
Empath007
Good and decent people need some kind of closure to move on or they feel unsettled and continue to pursue it. It’s in our DNA and you likely got some form of it in the other situations you mention moving on from, but you will get no closure from a narcissist. You have to create your own and I believe HG is the one to help you with that.
Thank you H.G. and NA. I agree with both statements. That my ET is high and my need for closure has really affected things. For me
Closure is a need. I need to know myself and the other person are OK with one another and will be OK moving forward.
Empath007, I know what you mean about the pandemic and how it makes you feel. Your last question – I have asked myself this so many times, my friends don’t get it either. You are the only people who understand. I have just come to the conclusion that I still feel like I can’t fully let go because there is something deeper in me that still needs to be addressed, I have emotional baggage from way before him that needs to be put to bed first – after that has happened maybe I will be less likely to feel like I can’t let go still.
That is emotional thinking, making you think there is something else which needs to be addressed – there isn’t. You are being misled.
JB
You don’t need to address emotional baggage from well before him and put it to bed before you let go. That is your addiction looking for a reason to stay engaged. To the contrary – once you let go you will be able to focus on those issues and work on them with more clarity and less confusion.
I made “closure” for myself, initially, with dramatic ghosting NC. I cut, deleted, blocked everything from all my accounts on all my platforms. I gave access to a friend to clear out things I couldn’t and change passwords to keep me out.
That was BEFORE I found HG. It really, really hurt and sucked but having a distinct and dramatic exit delineated the end of the relationship. Then, I utilized HG’s materials and consultations to work through my ET.
If I saw him dead in the street, I’d step over the body. Good riddance for everyone.
Come join us on the other side where we give zero fucks about the N. It’s peaceful. The constant anguish that causes you to spy on him is simply gone.
HG, maybe.
There is no maybe about it.
NA, but how do you let go? I have just kind of come to the conclusion that the reason I can’t let go is because first I need to understand what the whole point in all of this was, why did this happen, why is it that this particular relationship has such a hold on me, etc? I just thought that maybe once I have worked through everything which led me to this point, I might find it easier. If it’s the other way around, and you have to let go first, how do you?
You organise a consultation with me and I will explain it all to you. Until you do so, you are falling for your emotional thinking and you will keep going around in circles.
BC30, thank you for your comment. I want to join the “zero fucks” side and have peace! Your comment was very encouraging toward doing that!
JB
Re: How to let go.
What he (HG) said. No one knows better why and how.
HG, understood, thank you.
NA, thank you for the recommendation.
It him him 2 years?! Why are you still doing this to yourself? Purge him. How long have you been ‘involved’ with KTN? I do understand how you’re feeling but get him out of your mind first then you can rid of him out of your heart – it’s not easy but it can be done x
HI Asp, yes… two years…. I know. I literally just wrote another post saying that the obsessive thinking about him has gone way beyond what “normal” would look like. I am assuming its because him and I still work for the same company (different locations though). And that is keeping me attached. But its more then that. Its me I can’t let it go. I was doing quite well before the pandemic hit. But the stress of the pandemic has me wanting to go back … sort of like a smoker picking up the habit again during high times of stress. I feel like he will give me that high I need or something.
I’ve been on KTN for about the length of the break up. Once I knew he was a narc I read obsessivley. I was even not coming to this sight very often anymore but when the pandemic hit I almost contacted him and came back here instead.
Hello Eternity. Sigh, it does sound as if the ‘bond’ with you and this narcissist is deeply ingrained. I honestly didn’t think I would be able to purge mine but I have. It varies from person to person and depends on the individual’s own traits / experiences of the past.
I doubt that it is a ‘high’ you are seeking – then again, I may be wrong.
You say “the stress of the pandemic has made you want to go back”. Is it because of the dangers of the virus itself affecting you sub-consciously and you ‘needing’ a “safety net” that your emotional thinking is leading you towards the narcissist? That’s understandable. Are you actively going to work or working from home?
Sometimes, looking within / into yourself (not an easy task when ET is high) – can be an answer or starting point. If you are able to think and ask yourself questions – exclude him from those questions (if you HAVE to, write any to do with ‘him’ separately from yours) – what within you is stopping from putting your own thoughts into order? Write them down, if it would help. Add to this, as and when. Write your answers down too. Keep these and put away until 2 – 3 months & review – that way you can ‘measure’ yourself against your own questions & answers. Obviously, keep touching ‘base’ on the site. Good luck & it IS possible, Eternity xx
Hi ASP. Thanks for
Your response I really appreciate it.
In terms of the stress of the pandemic, at first I had this sense of death staring upon me. Perhaps that’s dramatic. But it’s also not impossible. And I thought… I don’t want to die with all the bad blood between us. Now I don’t think or worry about that, it’s more all the extra time I have due to work slowing down, being at home more etc. Extra time to think. And a general depression setting in.
I have tried to sit myself and explore this issue. You give some good advice and I will try ❤️
And congrats to you for purging the narc from your life. That’s no easy task ! Must be such a relief !
I understand RE: the reaction to the pandemic (many people probably felt the same, others are ignorant and others are somewhere else).
Thank you for your words RE: advice – I based it on my experience. However, you can consult with HG. He is experienced in what he does. Whatever you decide, it will work out one way or another.
Yeah, good riddance to the narcissists of my past. Scrooge’s Ghosts don’t have as much affect as a narcissist! Cheerio for now & try not to let things get on top of you too much – easy for me to say – I have been there and now burned the t-shirt. Take care x
Empath007, much apologies for getting your blog name wrong! x
Empath007
How about checking your Cross Pollution status?
Is there maybe another narcissist currently in your life?
A parent, a sibling, a coworker in your own department?
Those communications subconsciously make us reminisce about the Nex.
Maybe contemplate current situation or ask HG to help you?