Is He Alone Now?
You have been disengaged from or perhaps you have succeeded and escaped our grip. You cannot help still but wonder what we are doing, especially if we have discarded you. The thoughts run through your mind repeatedly. What is he doing? Is he thinking of me? Where has he been today? Why have I not heard from him? Why did he do that? What did I do wrong?
A thousand and one questions which whirl around in your mind. This is always the case when you have been discarded and even when you made your escape the questions still come thick and fast because so much has not been explained or answered. Furthermore, as an empathic individual you cannot help but wonder what we are up to, what we are thinking and how we feel.
It is an automatic response for someone like you and is part of the reason why you remain susceptible to a hoover. Sometimes you may be wondering how we are or how we are managing. You may hope that we are miserable and dejected by losing you. You engage in stalking our social media, driving by where we work or live, have friends ask what we are up to and you will try and contact us direct to try and establish what has happened (where there has been a discard).
Whether you escaped or whether you were discarded there are several burning questions on your mind and one of those is; is he with someone else now? You do some snooping and detecting and the answer appears to be, yes, he is alone. There is no sign of a new significant other. There is no mention of a new girlfriend or partner and we have not been spotted with anybody else when we have been sighted around town. We appear to be alone. What does this mean?
If this situation manifests with the Lesser Narcissist, one has to consider the position where there has been escape and where there has been discard. Those factors apply to two scenarios being in play. The first is the Lesser will be engaged in Bouncing. Addressing Bouncing following your escape first of all.
He will have a new primary source but he will not regard her as a girlfriend. She will in all likelihood be an inner or outer circle friend of the Lesser. This is especially likely where you have escaped. With no time available to put in place a replacement who has been cultivated, the Lesser will have erupted and then sought the nearest fuel solace. The easiest way for him to do this, rather than expend energy seducing somebody new and comparatively unknown or even unknown, would be for him to promote this secondary source into a primary.
This person will be “comforting” the Lesser after his awful and terrible treatment at your hands. The Lesser however will not make it known that he as a new primary source because he will want to milk sympathy from onlookers and also use this sympathy to enable him to move to another friend who will offer him “comfort”. Very quickly he will move between these two (maybe more) appliances. One weekend the first person will be his primary source but not referred to as a girlfriend or such like. A few days later he will move to a different one. He has no issue with this. He is accountable to nobody. He has no need to announce the relationship since keeping it quiet affords him more opportunities for fuel.
In terms of Bouncing where there has been a discard, this happens where the Lesser is not completely satisfied that the primary source he was cultivating is embedded as he would like. You may well have been discarded because you failed to provide fuel and this failure is dramatic and took place before your replacement has been properly embedded. Accordingly, the Lesser will be hedging his bets by going between two potential primary sources, alternating between them until he decides which is best and which is embedded. Then he will make the announcements, but until that point he gives the appearance of being alone.
The second scenario concerns Keeping It in the Family. This is often applicable to the Victim Narcissist. If you have escaped the Lesser, he may promote a family member to be primary source rather than promote an inner circle friend to an intimate partner. He turns to his mother or sister, wailing of his misfortune and how terribly he has been treated. He may move back to the childhood home and this is where he gains his fuel, all of the sympathetic mothering fuel. Hence he appears to have no intimate partner because there is not one. Even if there has been a discard, the Lesser may decide to Keep It in the Family by playing on his woes as he continues to cultivate quietly a prospective primary source.
With the Mid-Range when he appears to have no intimate partner and appears to be on his own, it is not the case. He will have a new intimate partner as a primary source but he does not want you to know about her. Not yet. This is applicable when there is both discard and escape. The Mid-Range, being the most passive-aggressive of the schools of narcissist may not have embedded his prospective primary source with the confidence he would prefer (especially if you escaped) and therefore lacking the raw aggression of the Lesser and the swaggering confidence of the Greater, he keeps a low profile until he is confident that there is a successful attachment. He does not want you knowing about this primary source for fear you may interfere and mess up this much needed source of fuel. It is only when he is confident that the attachment has been secured that he will engage in Relationship Bulletins and the like.
Turning to the Greater. Of all the schools of narcissism, the Greater is able to function for longer without a primary source than the Lesser or Mid-Range. This is because he has extensive secondary sources to whom he can turn. Thus his extensive social circle, loyal Lieutenants, devoted family and admirers who are jostling for position to be chosen as the new primary source will provide him with enough fuel to allow him to function.
He will not be at the top of his game and would much prefer to have a primary source in place, but if you escaped and you have pushed the narcissist into Chaos Mode, he will be working to secure that primary source behind the scenes but is content to show that he “does not need anybody” in the meanwhile. Although the reality is he will be clamoring to find a new primary source, he does not want you thinking that. He will want you to think he remains aloof, self-sufficient and not making a bee-line for anybody who will have him. He can be choosier than that. He has standards. This is the appearance he wishes to project and to a degree it is true, but he cannot remain choosy for long, the demands of fuel are ever present and those secondary sources will only sustain him for so long.
The bottom line is that a primary source is always needed by the Lesser and the Mid-Range, more or less immediately following escape or disengagement, because of the demands of fuel. It is only an appearance as to why the Lesser or Mid-Range seems single (save when he Keeps It in the Family). The Greater needs the primary source soon, but he can last for longer without one and will revel in demonstrating that to you by saying “I don’t need you or anybody in fact, I am my own man.” It is of course an artifice. The Greater needs his primary source just as much, he is just fortunate because of his grandiosity, magnetism and charm he has far more secondary sources to turn to.
20 thoughts on “Is He Alone Now?”
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I reckon that narcissists are never really “alone” as they seemingly are never without access to fuel from other sources, at any time of the day or night.
I just took a moment to ask myself “Is he alone”. Turns out I don’t care. I cant even remember the day or month I last talked to him. I think November or December will be a year. Wow HG, I never thought I would get to this point. Thank you.
Mercy
I always want to write that comment when I see this article!
It’s so great to hear that you have arrived at that. I imagine time flies when you’re engrossed in working on the forum haha.
Congratulations.
(Buy yourself some organizational product).
H.G, with regards to my situation, would the Lower-Mid Ranger potentially be in a “bouncing” situation given that he has some Lesser Narcissist traits and I was the one who escaped? I have heard him on the phone again…I could tell by his tone that he was speaking to a woman, and this call went on for two hours. But it wasn’t dripping with sexual connotation, making me think this is a source who is not quite embedded yet. I was thinking it would more likely be a “friend” who is on their way to becoming more, as in a Lesser bounce situation, rather than an already-embedded intimate source as described under the mid-range category. Or maybe that’s just because it’s someone he doesn’t have physical proximity to yet? Someone abroad?
Whoever it is, it made me go crazy and break no contact. I unblocked him. What a total fool I am. I feel I have lost whatever little self-respect I ever had for myself and I might as well resign myself to the fact that I’m forever going to allow this just so I can have him in my life.
Why would someone want and crave this kind of abuse? For the occasional fuck? What is it I want from him?
1. Why are you listening to his telephone conversation? That is a breach of no contact and it caused an adverse consequence for you and increased ET, meaning you then unblocked him.
2. You have no need to understand who he is dealing with because if you were implementing a Total NCR you would not know he was talking to anybody, you would not hear the content of the discussion and you would not then be wondering and reflecting.
3. Nobody craves this abuse, you are being misled by your ET. The only way to address it is to lower it and that means implementing Total No Contact.
You’re correct, as always. The ET skyrocketed. Your logic and sound advice is much needed and appreciated H.G, thank you.
Indeed I am, I am the objective expert and you are welcome.
No, he is not alone now and probably on his second IPPS since he ended us two years ago.
I figured out from our early days and our end days that he “overlaps.”
I am sure he was doing the same nice-guy dating (nothing physical—not even a kiss—for almost two months*) with the new person(s) as he did with me when we first started and when he was devaluing someone else the way he ended up devaluing me.
*The non-physicality in the first couple of months works for him on so many levels.
Lisk
Do you consider the non-physicality a flag now? I find two months to be a long time for none so might consider it a tactic or manipulation, but didn’t realize that length of time would seem common/appropriate to some/many?
NA, sorry to jump in, but for “mine” the non-physicality can be explained away by distance. He recycles sources from abroad, as he travels fairly frequently, so this works outs well for him. Berlin 5 or 6 times a year, New York once or twice a year, London a couple of times a year.
Karmic
No problem. You bring up a good point. I forget that some relationships are long distance and that would seem normal. I was assuming the people had frequent access to one another. I should not assume. Thank you for pointing that out.
Lol NA, I had to laugh. LMR Narcissist’s favourite phrase was “Never assume.”
Usually when I was getting close to finding things out he would prefer me not to know about.😂
Non-physicality was 100% part of the manipulation with both of them. It’s red flag I would run from now.
Absolutely, NarcAngel.
I consider the non-physicality a flag now, yes. I thought it was weird, but didn’t understand the narcissism back then. I really bought into his schtick that he didn’t want to get too close because the women he had been dating after his divorce have been dumping him after two months or so (Awwww, poor Mid-Range Victim Narc!).
However, one of my closest female friends at the time recognized the non-physicality as a flag THEN, when I was anxiously confused by it. She said something like, “I do not like this guy at all,” when I told her that he wouldn’t even kiss me on the fifth or so date.
I CHOSE not to heed the bad vibes she was getting, even though I always considered her advice to be wise. I always considered HER to be wise. I listened to her often before having met this narc and she was ALWAYS right about men.
But I ignored her–because I was addicted by then.
Wise Woman ended up dumping me as a friend before narc and I ever got physical. She never said why, but I know why. She got sick of taking my calls about “But I don’t get it. He does this and that and SEEMS like he’s into me. But then he doesn’t do that. . . .”
I do not blame Wise Woman one bit.
I’m liking this for the clarity you have gained, but it saddens me to read about your loss of a friend. It’s affected my friendships too, and it really sucks. At least we have our support on here.
Hi Lisk
Manipulation comes in so many forms but one seldom thinks of decency as one, so it can be effective. You may not have lost your friend. She likely gave you space after stating her case (as has been recommended by HG) rather than dumped you, until you could see things clearly for yourself. Good friends who have your back are hard to come by. Perhaps if you reached out to explain that you were not in a position to receive her information at the time but you now see the value in it and in her, the friendship could resume? If she’s wise that would be understood and not occasion for any I told you so.
Hmmm. Thank you for this, NarcAngel
I’m not sure if I have the guts to do so. It’s been 10 years, almost to the day in September 2010.
Gosh, I can almost smell and feel that “Golden Period” in the air with the temperature and weather and sunlight change. Gotta move through it.)
HG, my friend said I gave him more Fuel than he’s ever had, and ever will have. That made me happy because I’m Codependent.