Trying Behaviour

 

TRYING BEHAVIOUR

You do not give up easily do you? We are pleased that this is the case. You try to resurrect what we once had. You will look to resuscitate our relationship. You want to breathe new life into you and me. You want to salvage what you can from the wreckage and build something anew. You will not let the life slip from what we have, you will not step out of the tangled and twisted remains and walk away.

No, you try. You try to make it work, you try to see what can be done, you try to sort things out. You try to make everything right again, you try to make us happy, you try to please us, how you try to please us. You try to fix us, you try to banish these demons which plague us, you try to shed light and joy. You try when everything seems lost, you try when all seems pointless and you try despite everything else suggesting that what we are is a lost cause. You try because you believe in hope.

But what is this hope that has you trying on a superhuman scale, which has you wiping away the tears, picking yourself up, dusting yourself down and standing up once more to try to do the right thing? If you were not with our kind but someone normal and the relationship was foundering would you try as you do with us?

Of course you would try and steer the good ship towards calmer waters but you would not try to the same extent as you do with us. Where two people find they no longer have anything in common, they may be content to leave matters as they are and drift along in neutrality. It is not heady and wonderful but neither is it awful. Is beige such a terrible place to be? There is security, the children have grown up and you have your separate interests.

There is no hatred, far from it, but neither is there passion any longer, but something in the middle. This is deemed as acceptable and you are happy to trundle along in this manner. You do not try to rekindle those early days of your honeymoon period. In other instances, this mediocrity is found to be stifling. If you hear another gardening anecdote or incident at the bowling club, you will go spare. You want to travel and experience new things. Your other half is more interested in the home brew and the latest episode on television.

There is no hatred, there is no passion but this time the middle is deemed suffocating and unacceptable. You do not try to rekindle what you once had but instead decide you want something else. You move on to something else, be it a single life with new pursuits or finding a new person who shares your interests. The separation is amicable, fair-minded and there is no turbulence. The relationship ran its course and you saw no reason to try to make it anything different.

Yet with us it is so different isn’t it? You try your absolute best to get things back on track, you try until you are shattered and exhausted, bewildered and confused. How can you not achieve what we once had again? Why is it so elusive? Yet you do not give up. You keep on trying. Again and again.

Such is the intoxicating power of the golden period, such is the addiction of this utterly falsified state of affairs, such is the massive attraction of that seemingly perfect love, you try your damnedest to resurrect it.

Sometimes there is a glimmer of a return or even a brief sortie to that promised land once again and you know that your repeated trying has succeeded. It never lasts. It never stays. Still, you exhibit that indefatigable spirit as you try once more, looking to rekindle that special love we once had.

You even begin to sacrifice pieces of yourself in order to try to bring it back. You try to guess what we want all the time. You walk on those eggshells in order to avoid disrupting the fragile peace. You agree to do things you would never have countenanced once upon a time but hey, it is worth trying isn’t it?

You decide to spend more time with us, sacrificing your relationships with your friends and with your family, but you have to try don’t you? You cannot be said to have not tried to make this work and if you had it once then surely you can get it again can’t you? You submit to more and more of our demands, demeaning yourself, degrading yourself and suffering our repeated denigrations but you convince yourself that this is all worth doing because you are trying to achieve a greater aim. You have hope that you will succeed and bring back that elusive golden period.

You forgo invitations to events because you know it will displease us. You do not invite people to the house to avoid causing a disruption to the evening, since we want peace and quiet. You try not to say anything when we return late from who knows where. You try to remain silent when we spend hours staring into the screen on our laptops, tapping away, our minds somewhere else. You retreat, back-off and compromise, giving away more and more of yourself and your life as you try to succeed.

Thus here is the awful warped nature of being ensnared by us. In a normal relationship you may not try to the same extent because the excitement and passion was not as it was with us. Yet, this relationship is one where trying will bring about success. Yes, you won’t establish that paradise that exists when we seduce you, but it never actually existed to begin with. It is a fiction.

However, trying to succeed with someone normal and healthy is entirely achievable. You will not, by contrast, ever succeed with us. You can try over and over and over again but for all this effort and endeavour you will not get what you want. What we once granted you will only ever be given again in small doses and then only as part of this continuing manipulation so that you remain in our grip so we can gather fuel until we throw you aside.

No matter how determined you are, no matter how great your resolve, no matter the fact that you put every breath, every ounce of effort in to trying to make things work between you and us so everything is golden, it will never ever work. It cannot because you cannot control the golden period. Only we can and we choose who is granted it and when in accordance with our need for control and fuel.

Try to understand that.

28 thoughts on “Trying Behaviour

  1. TheKarmikArmi says:

    I wish I would’ve your blog 10 months ago. I read it now and I realize how blatantly clear it all was then. But I was blinded by him.

    Reading your blog identifies so much for me. And it’s truly helping me process these stages of forgiving myself and letting him go. Permanently. Thank you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Welcome to the blog and you will find all the answers here to ensure you achieve freedom.

  2. NarcAngel says:

    Karmic
    When you get the urge to reach……….
    Imagine the sting of 1000 mega-watts of heat slapping your hand and a booming voice saying: NO CONTACT!!

    It’s HG. The voice is HG.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Excellent point.

    2. Asp Emp says:

      “Imagine the sting of 1000 mega-watts of heat slapping your hand and a booming voice saying: NO CONTACT!!” – I love that NA 🙂

      1. alexissmith2016 says:

        Either that or we all become conditioned to like electric shocks. and the voice though

    3. karmicoverload says:

      NA, I actually joked on another site yesterday that we should wear electric shock collars that give us a zap each time we think of breaking no contact. Great minds think alike 😄

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Another site? What fresh heresy is this?

        1. karmicoverload says:

          Sorry H.G. I forgot about the allegiance. I prostrate myself before thee. 😂

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Such treachery, purge the word of the heretics from your mind and embrace the one true source of information.

          2. Bubbles 🍾 says:

            Dearest karmicoverload,
            Quickly, ‘Repent’ before HG and proclaim he is the ‘one and only’ or the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits from here to eternity
            You do not want to go to the dreaded dungeon
            Seek his pardon and hopefully he will forgive you, you wench you 🤣
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      2. NarcAngel says:

        Karmic
        Another sight?

        ** clutches pearls with mouth agape **

      3. Kim e says:

        Make ready the dungeon. Bring extra straw cuz it is very cold and damp this time of year.

    4. Witch says:

      Alternatively we can think
      “What would Narcangel do?”
      Then imagine Michelle Pfeiffer scratching our eyes out while screeching “noo kitty nooo!”

  3. Lisa says:

    Hello HG, I have not been on your blog for quite a long time, that is a good thing!! I hope you are well. Is it ok to share one of your posts outside of your blog ?? Thank you Lisa

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Lisa, good to see you, I trust you are doing well. I am tickety boo thank you for your kind enquiry. Yes, of course, so long as it is credited to me. Thank you for sharing.

  4. December Infinity says:

    I can say that with the last narc, as with previous narcs, that I pretty much stopped trying. I got fed up long before and I was just coasting, waiting for the time when I reached my limit with their unending manipulations so I could END it. I got fed up with it all. I was isolated from friends and family and forbidden to speak about what was going on, but I had a plan in mind. I would have been out earlier but the abuse was stepped up by the narc so it made things difficult to end things but I did reach my final straw. Lucky for me.

  5. karmicoverload says:

    This is incredibly timely for me. I was about to reach out again.

    1. burntkrispykeen says:

      Stay Strong, KarmiCoverLoad! I have learned the hard way how accurate is HG’s warning here. In time, the urges weaken. They really do… to the point where you might even find yourself wondering why you had them in the first place! Best wishes to you as you continue to heal.

      1. karmicoverload says:

        Thank you xx

      2. Leigh says:

        Burntkrispykeen, If I may ask, is there any significance to the name you have chosen for his blog? Thank you.

        1. burntkrispykeen says:

          Hello Leigh! 👋 I apologize for my delayed reply. You really got me thinking here. I had actually replied to your question in the middle of the week. Apparently, my answer was too long because the screen locked as I typed, and then my message to you went *poof* 🌬 It was around 2 A.M., so I thought perhaps I’d just try again another day. Maybe if I send my comment in sections, it won’t turn to dust. 🤞
          The correct answer to your question is basically “yes and no.” When I first landed at Narcsite, I had only ever commented on-line once before, on an unrelated site…

          1. Leigh says:

            Hi BurntKrispyKeen, thank you for your responses. They were probably held up because Mr. Tudor was away. I love the play on words. I wish I had that ingenuity. I just use my brother’s middle name. I wanted to stay anonymous too but for different reasons. I came to this blog a year and a half ago because the narcissist I was ensnared with disengaged with me and i was a mess.
            It gets worse, I was a Dirty Emparh Dirty Little Secret. I was cheating on my husband with the narcissist. Something I’m not proud of. While here, I realized there was a much more significant narcissist in my life, my husband. So to answer your question, no I’m not passed the turmoil yet. I’m still working on an escape plan. At least, I know what he is, that’s step one.

          2. Leigh says:

            BurntKrispyKeen, I feel like I should clarify further. I’ve been with my husband since I was a teenager. I’m 50 now. Hes all Ive ever known. I truly me falling for another narcissist and having an affair was to bring me awareness of my husband being a narcissist. Now I just need to figure out what to do about it.

        2. burntkrispykeen says:

          When I first arrived here, I was still an emotional mess from my experience even though I was a good bit past discovering those “secret” behaviors typical of narcissists. I knew I never wanted to be treated that way again. I was hurt, and I was burnt. I had spent basically every night researching narcissism, for hours. I couldn’t quite wrap my head around it. I could not accept how someone could behave in such a manner. So I kept searching and searching… just hoping some magical answer would appear….

        3. burntkrispykeen says:

          When I stumbled upon Narcsite, it felt a bit different. The talent of the author impressed me. I wasn’t even sure who “that person” was proclaiming to be… but once I started to read the comments, I was impressed by how he interacted with his readers. Naturally, the kindness and intelligence of the readers here also impressed, helping me to feel comfortable. I had so many questions swirling in my head; I decided to take the plunge and ask. When I realized a username was needed, I didn’t know what to enter. I wanted to remain anonymous. [The shame I felt from being “had” by a narcissist overwhelmed me. Like most everyone here, I was crushed. I’d go from missing my narcissist to being so angry that he decieved me… that the swing of those emotions made me feel insane.] I desperately wanted closure, but I knew I didn’t want to ever feel that vulnerable again. I was fried.
          Even though I know that I am nowhere near as “keen” as I need to be, I am aware enough to know that I cannot ever give that much of myself to another human being….

        4. burntkrispykeen says:

          It is a bit of a play on Krispy Kreme doughnuts. (I hope that I can say that here. If I had the trademark symbol, I would use it.) Do you remember, Leigh, that bit from Chris Rock? He talks about how Krispy Kreme doughnuts are so addictive; the doughnuts are as if they are made with crack cocaine. That is how I saw my narcissist. He was someone who I didn’t really want, yet once I got a taste, I was hooked. I craved him knowing how he wasn’t good for me.
          But now that I know what he is made of, I don’t want it. I’m BurntKrispyKeen.
          (I hope that The Great Wizard behind the curtain allows all of my posts to come to you in order. Regardless, I hope you can make sense of my rambling thoughts.) Thank you for asking, Leigh. Whatever caused you to land here, may you be well passed the turmoil. 💝

        5. burntkrispykeen says:

          Leigh, I can certainly relate to your situation. I am sorry that you had to endure two narcissists in such a way. No doubt, the attachment to your husband runs deep, having been with him from such a young age. That also probably put you more vulnerable to the other narcissist. Not having much of a chance to experience a variety of intimate relationships and unknowingly being married to a narcissist… What I am trying to say is – please don’t be too hard on yourself. The narcissist is so good at making us feel like we are doing the right thing by being with him. Fortunately, that is in your past. Like you said, the good of it was the discovery that you have been living with a narcissist all these years. That in itself ought to be a free pass to step outside… at least once! 😄 I wish you the best, Leigh, as you decide how to proceed with your marital situation. May you soon be in a position of being treated with dignity and respect… even if that means being alone for a bit. 💟

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