The Breaking of Your No Contact

THE BREAKING OF YOUR NO CONTACT

“I have gone no contact but the narcissist keeps on texting me.”

That is not no contact.

“I have gone no contact but I keep seeing him driving past where I live”

That is not no contact.

” I have gone no contact but he keeps turning up at my house and we end up talking and it always ends in an argument.

That is not no contact.

 

I recently conducted one of my polls. I asked the question “How were you hoovered after ´no contact´?”. Notice that ´no contact´was in inverted commas? This was because although the label of no contact is used, it was not actually no contact.

I have published below the outcome of the poll :-

 

 

  • The narcissist text messaged me (16%, 170 Votes)
  • The narcissist telephoned me (11%, 115 Votes)
  • The narcissist e-mailed me (10%, 106 Votes)
  • The narcissist smeared me to others (9%, 91 Votes)
  • The narcissist contacted me through a friend, colleague, family member (either mine or theirs) (7%, 72 Votes)
  • The narcissist sent a message through social media (6%, 67 Votes)
  • The narcissist drove past a location where I was (home/work/mall) (6%, 58 Votes)
  • The narcissist approached me at my home (5%, 57 Votes)
  • The narcissist stood watching me from a distance (4%, 46 Votes)
  • The narcissist posted about me online and inferred it was directed at me (4%, 44 Votes)
  • The narcissist approached me at my work (4%, 39 Votes)
  • The narcissist approached me outdoors (in the street, on the way to my car) (4%, 38 Votes)
  • The narcissist sent a gift (3%, 31 Votes)
  • The narcissist returned property (3%, 29 Votes)
  • The narcissist approached me at a social venue (bar, club, gym, pool etc) (3%, 28 Votes)
  • The narcissist wrote a physical letter to me (2%, 25 Votes)
  • The narcissist damaged my property (2%, 23 Votes)
  • The narcissist posted about me online and referenced me directly (1%, 15 Votes)

 

Look at the type of hoover which topped the poll.

The narcissist text messaged me

No wonder you received a hoover, you did not impose no contact. You either failed to block the narcissist´s telephone number so he was able to text message you and/or you failed to change your number so that even if you blocked the narcissist, he or she could text you from a different number.

Block or better still change your number.

 

The second highest vote was

The narcissist telephoned me

The same point re the text message hoover applies here. If the number was withheld so it got through, do not answer. Do not answer any call where the number is withheld. There is no need to answer it. A withheld number can only mean it is a narcissist trying to contact you or it is a telemarketing narcissist trying to sell you a conservatory or asking if you have recently suffered an accident which was not your fault. Nothing good will ever come of answering a withheld number.

 

The third highest vote was

The narcissist e-mailed me

Block the email address or change yours.

 

37% of hoovers arose from electronic means. I have warned you all before that maintaining any form of electronic conduit between you and the narcissist amounts to The Wrong No Contact.

Closing the electronic conduit is one of the easiest parts of imposing a no contact regime yet you fall prey to your emotional thinking and fail to do it. Examples of that emotional thinking include

“If I keep open the telephone route between us, he will be less likely to come around to my house.”

Not necessarily so. You may actually be encouraging him to come around to your house by providing fuel and lowering the hoover bar so the narcissist becomes bolder. Even if blocking the number forces the narcissist into attending on your property, guess what, we cannot walk through walls or doors. Do not answer the door to the narcissist.

 

“I have not blocked the number because I want to show I can resist his hoover.”

You do not need to show this at all. Apply GOSO. You are playing with emotional thinking and run the risk of it soaring when that text message hoover arrives (and it will) so that you are drawn into replying and then the vicious circle of engagement and increased emotional thinking begins.

 

“I want to collect evidence of what he is like.”

What for? If it is to prove to other people such as friends or family, forget it. You are just continuing a form of engagement and being held in the ensnarement for longer through emotional thinking. You know that this person is a narcissist, that is all you need to know. You do not need to prove this to anybody else.

If you need it for a court case ask yourself, do you really? Have you not already got the evidence because in all likelihood you will have? What are you trying to prove? You would be far better served obtaining independent evidence rather than being drawn into a prolonged ensnarement thinking you are evidence gathering.

 

“I need to be able to tell the narcissist how much she has hurt me and I feel safer doing so through a text message or e-mail.”

No you do not. You know the person is a narcissist. We do not care, you are just giving us fuel, you are just encouraging us to hoover you all the more, we will reject your attempt to pin accountability on us (this manifests as you trying to control us and we can never allow that to happen) and you will just get drawn into a war of electronic words which will fuel us, increase your risk of further hoovers,  make you feel any or all of angry/upset/frustrated/hurt/helpless and cause your emotional thinking to rise.

“I want to see how long it is before he leaves her and tries to get me back.”

You want a narcissist who has abused you to come back to you?

“The occasional text message doesn’t hurt and something, anything is better than nothing because I miss him.”

You miss being left on the shelf, you miss being made to feel second best, you miss never knowing if you will be contacted or not, you miss the agony of wondering if he is with his wife, you miss feeling upset because the promised text never arrived, you miss getting angry because he insulted you again, you miss the frustration as he failed to text you yet you knew he was at home watching the game because his Facebook post said as such?

All of these are examples of emotional thinking. Emotional thinking is the Enemy Within. All it wants you to do is engage with the narcissist and feed your addiction, but as I explained in The Devil´s Pitchfork nothing good will ever come of interaction with us and one, two or three bad things WILL always happen.

The implementation of no contact is not easy but it is nowhere near as hard as you think it is or will be, your emotional thinking wants you shirking from it, it wants you leaving gaps, it wants you leaving the door ajar, the window wide open and the key in the lock.

Your emotional thinking has you giving the narcissist far more credit that he or she deserves. Your emotional thinking causes you to think that the narcissist operates through cunning calculation, ruthless rumination and scientific scheming. In the vast majority of cases this is not the case.

Yes, a Greater Narcissist will hound you into break down, destruction of a state of numb paralysis because the Greater and only the Greater has the malice and resources to do this. However, even this outcome will not always occur with the Greater. Why is that? It is because the Greater has so many options, so many schemes, devices, designs and becomes bored faster than any other narcissist that he or she will leave you be whilst these other options are pursued. Yes, you may well be winged or teetering on the brink of annihilation but more usually the Greater Narcissist will maul you in some way and then become focused on something else and then something else and you have the opportunity to make yourself scarce. Most importantly though with regard to the Greater Narcissist they are extremely rare and that means the vast majority of victims never meet one, let alone find themselves on the wrong side of one. Of course, your emotional thinking makes you think you have been ensnared by a Greater – how many times do we see on the blog people claim that they have been ensnared by a Greater and it is a honest mistake driven by inexperience, a lack of knowledge and the impact of emotional thinking – and it wants you thinking this so that you in effect give up and think there is no escape and thus you remain in the clutches of what is actually a Mid Range Narcissist instead.

The fact is nearly all narcissists are Lesser or Mid Range and it is those narcissists that you will be ensnared by. I do not dilute the horrific impact of ensnarement with those narcissists, not at all, but you must hold to the logic and not be swayed by the corrupting influences of emotional thinking.

The Lesser Narcissist is a wrecking ball. He is haphazard and lurches from one disaster to the next, whether this is falling out with a family member again, another new relationship or losing his job (if he had one to being with). If you make it hard for the Lesser to hoover you he has not option other than to leave you alone and look for someone else. He is like the burglar who will not attempt to rob the house with closed windows, locked doors, sensors and CCTV. He will move on to the next one with the open window. Lesser Narcissists are lazy, they want to achieve the Prime Aims and barely wish to lift a finger to do so.

The Mid Range Narcissist is not lazy but he or she wants the path of least resistance. Every narcissist wants to conserve energy and gain the maximum return for the minimum input. Mid Range Narcissists are cowards and they pick on those targets which are vulnerable and they appear less dangerous owing to the facade, the Pity Plays, The “I Can Change” Fallacy and the Trouble Nice Guy. This panders to your empathic traits which as ever are corrupted by your emotional thinking so that you end up making it easy for the Mid Range Narcissist to hoover you. You worry about him so you allow the emails to come through, you think you can fix her so you keep open a text communication or you decide that you want to be civil and remain friends. You are being conned by your emotional thinking and breaching no contact.

Only the Greater will embark on a campaign against you which is virtually impossible to resist but the chances of that happening to you are extremely low because

  1. Greaters are extremely rare , and
  2. Greaters play with you like a cat with a mouse and will then have other matters to address owing to the fullness of their lives and the extensive fuel matrices.

The Lesser and Mid-Range Narcissists are able to hoover because victims let them. The victims do not put in place effective no contact regimes. I have seen this time and time again and the poll above bears this out. The poll does not bear witness to the puppeteering master villain who has plotted long and hard to scale the mighty defences of the victim to effect a hoover, no, he picked up his phone and sent a text message.

Easy to do.

Just as easy to stop.

I guarantee that if you tell me how you have been hoovered, I will tell you how it could have been stopped and how it could have been stopped without too much effort. We need fuel. We absolutely need fuel and if we cannot get it from you, we HAVE to go and get it elsewhere, but because your emotional thinking making you make mistakes in your attempts at no contact, you are conned into never putting it in place in the first place and/or not maintaining it properly and you end up being hoovered.

You can stop the hoovers.

Two factors want to break your no contact.

Us, the narcissists.

You, through emotional thinking.

And more than you realise it is actually you that brings about the breaking of your no contact, but what that also means is that you can stop it.

I have the tools and you have to wield them and then and only then will you stop the breaking of your no contact and achieve freedom. You can do it.

The Knowledge Vault

Zero Impact

Divorcing The Narcissist – What To Expect

How To Co-Parent With A Narcissist

How To Handle The Narcissist At Work

 

 

 

 

21 thoughts on “The Breaking of Your No Contact

  1. lickemtomorrow says:

    I’ve also been tempted to break no contact by snooping! Each time I think of doing so I think of what I’ve learned here. I’m hoping it’s enough to hold me back and right now it is. Time to distract myself with more of HGs works.

  2. blackcoffee30 says:

    Whoops. My comment is still in queue, but I talked to HG after I submitted it and feel much better it. I learned from having broken NC with #1.

    1. Bubbles 🍾 says:

      Dearest blackcoffee30,
      Well done gorgeous
      There are no answers to “why” ….it just is !
      Close that chapter and look forward to the next one
      The only person worth loving first, is you, when you do, magic happens
      Stay strong lovely one, you can do it !
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  3. karmicoverload says:

    Thank you once again H.G. This is one of your most helpful articles, particularly this:
    “I want to see how long it is before he leaves her and tries to get me back.”

    You want a narcissist who has abused you to come back to you?

    “The occasional text message doesn’t hurt and something, anything is better than nothing because I miss him.”

    You miss being left on the shelf, you miss being made to feel second best, you miss never knowing if you will be contacted or not, you miss the agony of wondering if he is with his wife, you miss feeling upset because the promised text never arrived, you miss getting angry because he insulted you again, you miss the frustration as he failed to text you yet you knew he was at home watching the game because his Facebook post said as such?

    To quote a common sarcastic social media response,
    “Next time just tag me.” 😂

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  4. Fieke says:

    Hi HG,
    If I click on the link in this article for ” the devils pitchfork” , I get redirected to another article called:

    “Healing the Hurt”. July 16, 2019 / Last updated : March 7, 2020

    Is it the same article with a different title? Can not find Devils Pitchfork, in search only the cover picture appears not article.

    Beste regards Fieke

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Devil´s Pitchfork is found within Healing the Hurt.

  5. Lily says:

    No contact is impossible in some cases- e.g. at work (when there is no option but to work with the individual) or when it is a family member.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Actually it´s not impossible, more difficult, yes, but not impossible. Emotional Thinking wants you to think it is impossible so you do not try.

      1. Lily says:

        Glad you are back, HG. Shall a lull in the comments and was getting worried.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you. I have been about other matters, moderation sometimes must wait.

  6. blackcoffee30 says:

    I fucked up. I broke no contact. Things have been making me think of #1, and it built up until searched for him and his current IPPS on Facebook. My emotional thinking was out of control— I romanticized him.

    Please remind me why current IPPS is a victim and not the “winner” among us. His former IPPS and me got away. His current IPPS and him have been together 10 years, but he’s doing the same to her, right? Cheating, lying, getting angry, silent treatment?

    Her Facebook profile is her first name and his full name as her last name, as if he owns her. His ex-IPPS and I are so much prettier and successful than her. Why her? I know all the answers because HG explains to us, but still I want to know why?!? Haha. My logic is temporarily gone.

    The saddest thing is she posted the date they met and that “he fell love at first sight”’ well, maybe so, but she wasn’t the only IPSS. Nope. I wonder if she knew about me and probably there were others. No matter. All in the past. It was so long ago that I didn’t implement no contact with him like I did with #2. I assumed time had passed and I was “over him.” A DECADE later, and I’m not over him Clearly.

    HG is 100% correct. Implement NO CONTACT. I should have blocked him, but I didn’t. I haven’t. I’m too scared to go back to it right now.

    1. Renarde says:

      BC30

      My heart is going out to you right now. He never deserved you.

      I’m guessing he is a MRN? It has been going on for a long time with you. YOU deserve more. You deserve you

      Ok, you broke NC. We all do it. It’s not the crime of the centuary. Please stop beating yourself up. Honestly? If you were to see my fuck-ups, you’d probably be surprised I’m still here.

      I dream about the psycopath, my ex, so often. I hate it. I dream about my recent ex too. I dont like that either.

      Now missus, get back on that horse and ride out. All of the unaware will crumble. All. it will be no different for him.

      1. blackcoffee30 says:

        Thank you Renarde. I suspect he is MRN (or UL), but I haven’t done the ND yet. I plan to because I also suspect he is somatic, and I am curious which type of N I fell for the first time.

        1. Renarde says:

          BC30

          Highly likely a Som if you suspect it plus it’s the largest cadre.

    2. Another Cat says:

      Blackcoffee30

      “His current IPPS and him have been together 10 years, but he’s doing the same to her, right? Cheating, lying, getting angry, silent treatment?”

      Dear BC30, I really feel strongly for you as I recognise how thoughts like these twist and torment the mind and I am a master at feeling it.

      They seem to have a lovely life with this woman.

      I can only trust inference and logic from studying HG’s work for years. Yes they all treat their spouse the same way.

      Yes, the wife might be perfect for his façade, comes from the correct family, correct social network for him, correct eyecolour etc.

      *Because of this she gets to be the one to share a home with him.*

      But one of their kids probably gets a diagnosis due to the puzzling shifting sands which are going on inside the home.

      She is isolated from old friends. If he doesn’t like somebody’s tacos she is not allowed contact with that person. He monopolizes her time. Sometimes disappears for a couple of days.

      I hope you (and I) can rest in the thought that they will never change.

      1. blackcoffee30 says:

        You’re right. It’s easy to get worked up in my head. Luckily, no child victims, as he hates children.

    3. Empath007 says:

      Brutal. Did you guys have a conversation ?

      Staying no contact is hard. It just is, it’s like telling an alcoholic to quit cold turkey. There’s always going to be relapse and it takes a hell of a lot of will power to stay on track. So don’t beat yourself up. Start over… from day 1.

      Mine would never post a photo of him and his new dame(s) so I have to play Nancy drew. Lol. But it’s not that hard to decipher who his prey is.

      Lately I’ve been trying to adopt a new way of looking at these women. And that is… they are like me…. and I am like them. It’s not a competition. Even if some of them are narcissits (which some are, mine likes narcissits ) and others are empaths… we’ve all been manipulated. We are all seeking validation. And we are all getting something from the transaction. How can I blame another woman for falling for it or indulging in it … when I’m doing the same thing ?

      Remember it’s not about looks… it’s about fuel. Even Some of the men I’ve fancied over the years were not attractive (including my narc) but the personality was intoxicating. Physical attributes play a small part in the attraction level.

      She is subject to the same addiction as you (unless she’s a narcissits then she needs his fuel). And either way… it’s not going to be any different then it was with you.

      1. blackcoffee30 says:

        This is #1 and he is blessed, a tall, fit, handsome, charming, sandy blonde. (#2 is a troll). I know it’s no different, but I get worked up because it seems silly from the outside. I can’t blame the others. We’re all raven haired and similar looking. You’re right they’re a lot like me. His prior IPPS is so cute, a yoga instructor and NICU nurse!! (Perfect somatic fuel). How much more empathic can one be?!

        I didn’t message him, thankfully, but I shouldn’t have been snooping around. It’s a snowball that also leads to snooping on other Ns.

        1. Empath007 says:

          I say if you didn’t actually talk to him. Consider that a battle won ! haha. I keep spying on mine as well. It’s not helpful to me, so I know what you mean, its just sinking down a rabbit hole. But… in this day in age where its so easy to gather information on people its pretty hard not to do ! So good for you for keeping it together enough to not message him. I keep being tempted every few weeks since the pandemic started. And I can just imagine him on the other end… waiting… just waiting for me to crack haha! it is that image along with HGs article “contact me” that keeps me not saying a word haha.

  7. Asp Emp says:

    ‘She’ used: a group email – I didn’t respond at all, it arrived in the junk mail box as I had removed her as a contact; smearing (from the start!); “enquired” about me through a friend (after this, I said “be very vague about me”); messaged (twice) and I didn’t respond – had ‘ignored’ on Messenger then blocked after 2nd message. Blocked everywhere else.

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