Never Let Me Go

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I was engaged in a discussion recently with Dr E. The conversation concerned relationships.

“So, when you end a relationship, tell me how do you feel about it?” he began as he unfolded his notebook and found a fresh page.

“I do not end my relationships,” I replied.

“I see, so they are always ended by the other person are they?” he asked.

“No.”

He waited to see if I was going to say anything else but I remained silent. Come on Dr E, let’s see where you are going with this. You cannot outsmart me. He sat looking at me and I at him.

“Those answers suggest to me then that your relationships do not end.”

Give Dr E enough time and he always gets there.

“Exactly,” I answered.

“I see. We have discussed a number of relationships that you have and have had. With family members, acquaintances, friends and of course lovers. Now, from what you have explained to me I would certainly regard many of those relationships having come to an end, either by your doing or, though admittedly less often, at the hand of the other person.”

“Your concept of a relationship evidently differs from mine.”

“Please, expand on that point.”

“My relationships begin when I determine that they should begin,” I started to speak. Dr E frowned but said nothing. I could tell he wanted me to provide clarity to that assertion and I was happy to oblige.

“When I detect somebody who will prove of use to me then our relationship has already begun. It matters not whether we have spoken in person or even made any kind of contact. The decision that the relationship has begun rests with me.”

Dr E was making notes as I spoke.

” The nature of the relationship is defined by what use that person is to me in providing me with my fuel. If the fuel they provide is strong and potent then I will be spending a lot of time with that person, others less so. I dictate the pace at which the relationship will develop by such criteria that I understand people like you apply to relationships.”

“What criteria are those?” asked Dr E.

“Instances such as familiarity with one another, whether there is a hand shake or a kiss on greeting, the name by which we call one another, whether they can be relied on to provide information, whether they will lend money, whether we go to certain places together and how often, whether we live together, all of these things are what you measure a relationship by.”

“And do you regard those criteria as instances that ought to happen over a particular period of time?”

“No. They are all measurements by which I know people like you determine the nature of the relationship. I use them as markers by which the level of fuel can be influenced, accordingly, I will move them along at a pace which suits my demands for fuel.”

“But not according to anyone else’s input or say a generally accepted norm from society?”

“Well, the other person has to consent to the act, I mean, I haven’t imprisoned anyone in my home. Yet.” I smiled.

“But if they are to provide their consent surely that means the timescale is taken out of your hands?”

“Not at all. I just make them consent in accordance with my timescale,” I said.

“By exerting the influences you have described to me previously?”

“Exactly.”

Dr E remained silent as he continued to write.

“So you determine when the relationship begins and the pace at which it proceeds and this relationship never ends?”

“Yes.”

“But some of the instances of your intimate relationships that you have described to me certainly fit with the concept that they have ended.”

“Not at all. If I have cast someone to one side because, as they always do, they have let me down in some way, then I will not let them walk away. They might think they have been able to do this. Indeed, in certain instances I encourage that train of thought so that the person’s defences remain down and thus they are susceptible to me resurrecting our interaction. Nobody leaves me and I do not leave anybody. They will always serve some kind of purpose, at some point and therefore there may be a pause in our interaction but there is never a cessation.”

“What if the other person decides they no longer wish to interact with you?”

“Why on earth would they think that?” I asked puzzled.

“Well, your treatment of many of them was harsh and unpleasant.”

“But no less than they deserved. People need to know their place and if they step outside of that they must be brought to heel.”

“Why?” asked Dr E.

“Because I gave them everything and each time they repay me by letting me down. That is unfair. Each time I give them the world, I really do doctor and no matter how wonderful I am to them they do not do enough in return and they let their affection become dull or they fail to provide me with the adoration that I deserve. It is wrong and they must be made to see how wrong they are punished for their transgressions.”

“So you maintain a relationship to punish the other person?”

“In part yes, but it is usually because they still prove of use to me and they have their debt to me to repay.”

“I see,” remarked Dr E and he continued with his writing.

“And when do they repay this debt?” he asked.

“That’s the problem doctor, ” I said with a sigh, ” they never do. That is why I never let them go.”

31 thoughts on “Never Let Me Go

  1. Jacqueline says:

    Is this why, even after we’ve been broken up for five years and I’ve been totally No Contact for four years, the extremely toxic narcissistic ex of mine still tries ways to contact me? I’ve literally blocked all possible ways for him to contact me, yet he still tries to call, text, email, or message me on social media (oftentimes using fake profiles he’s created). His texts are immediately sent to a trash folder, so I can’t read them unless I go into this folder, which I only do if I need to free up storage on my phone (I still just delete the messages without reading them). His calls are immediately sent to voice-mail, so he’ll try to call or text from another number. I never respond, ever. I don’t answer calls from numbers I don’t know, letting the calls go to voice-mail. I’d change my number, but due to the nature of my work, I have not been able to do so. I would’ve thought that after this many years of absolutely no response from me, he’d give up, but you’re saying that’ll never happen? Seriously? WTF?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Jaqueline, the Narcissistic Perspective is that you belong to us until death. This means there is always a risk we will interact with you (hoover) at some future point. Something causes a hoover trigger and then his narcissism determines that a hoover should be executed towards you and thus you are hoovered. I can help you understand more about precisely why this is happening as it is and give you further information to help you, but to do so I need more information about your circumstances and to obtain that requires a consultation, which I recommend you organise https://narcsite.com/private-audio-consultation/

  2. December Infinity says:

    This makes sense as to why the relationship the narcissist doesn’t really ever end. The victim always has a debt to pay in terms of the time spent with the narcissist, always under the quest for fuel and control.

  3. Asp Emp says:

    Reading this article – ‘relationships’ reminds me of a couple of films (ok, ok, it is not ‘reality’. But…….) – ‘Stoker’ 2013 (on tv last week) and ’50 Shades of Grey’ 2015 (on tv last night). In both of these films, there’s the perpetrator / rescuer / victim – not necessarily directly relating to narcissism & empathy…..

    1. Eternity says:

      Asp Emp, I also watched the movie 365 with Michele Morrone similar I think.

      1. Asp Emp says:

        I had to quickly ‘research’ what the film 365 is about. Hmmm, a year is hell of a long time. However, the expectation in the world of narcissism, it’s probably more like 365 seconds

        1. Eternity says:

          The movie made no sense at all,he kidnapped her and gave her 365 days to fall in love him. Just strange . The guy was hot though .

    2. Sweetest Perfection says:

      Asp Emp, I watched 365 with my husband a while ago. We laughed so hard. The concept of soft porn they used… like, someone is doing one of these Shakespeare’s characters thing… what is it? Ah yes a fellatio! and you can only see the head going up and down. It is very comical. The protagonist’s Stockholm syndrome is so obvious, but understandable when you look at her old boyfriend and how bad he used to treat her, compared to this demigod that on top of it all, speaks Italian and takes you in his yacht… no comparison.

      1. Eternity says:

        Agreed SP! He gave her good sex !

        1. Sweetest Perfection says:

          And she gave him challenge fuel! I agree with you, Eternity. The script is a cheesy cocktail of romantic myths: 1 pinch of Casanova, 1 cup of Pygmalion, 1/4 of White Knight to the rescue, a little Antonio Banderas in Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down!, some shades of gray here and there, all sponsored by Richard Gere’s generous credit card in Pretty Woman. And, of course, the universal star-crossed lovers theme… I found it risible.

          1. Eternity says:

            Yes SP, it was totally ridiculous. They were trying to portrait an Alpha Dominant Male. All these movies with Narcissists in them and people fall for it They were comparing this movie to Fifty Shades Of Grey which again was silly.

  4. Anna says:

    Sounds like the sociopath I’m dealing with now. He’s addicted to me and won’t let it go. From what I gather, if he views you as a valuable source he never ever lets you go; even if you run for the hills. He comes back every time. We have ten month breaks sometimes, and then he throws a hoover. Its gotten so awful. Its been going for two years and we have had two eight month breaks in between. We just went through round four, and I have taken off again to get some space, to do some writing; things like that. I have stuff to do. So I always try to go out with a really big bang so he won’t try it on again, but it doesn’t work. He always returns. I don’t understand it. Normal people break up and stay away. But this guy still has contact with his wife from 15 years ago and his girlfriend that he dated for 6 years, who happened to run away to another state to get away from him. He won’t stop; even years down the track. He has to find them and reconnect. Its nuts, and I think I’m the new obsession.

  5. Eternity says:

    Interesting to read your sessions with The Good Doctors HG. Thank you for sharing. I understand it from your perspective.

    1. Anna says:

      I don’t understand it at all, and I think its stupid. Why would anyone want to stay in contact with all of their exes?

      1. Renarde says:

        Anna

        FUEL! Plus the Prime Aims. Which is largely about Fuel.

        1. Eternity says:

          Dont forget character traits, and residual benefits.

          1. Renarde says:

            Eternity

            The PA encompasses that but thank you.

      2. Another Cat says:

        Exhausting to us, Anna. Staying intouch means thinking about a person now and again, wondering what to send for Christmas, Congratulations on birthday, inviting to dinners.

        The narcissist is not tired at all. They remember only when reminded by some kind of fuel. When an energy-thief opportunity somehow arises. Otherwise they don’t think of that person: no f***s given.
        Their brains are made for 100 % efficiency, I guess.

      3. Eternity says:

        Hi Anna,
        Because in the mind of The Narcissist they all belong to them until the day they die or we die . .I know it’s strange and hard to understand.
        Stupid to us ,but not to them from their world and perspective.

      4. NarcAngel says:

        Hello Anna

        It might seem stupid from our point of view, but that is because we are not narcissists. If you read HG’s book Fuel to understand what drives them and then put Hoovers in the search bar and read those articles, you will start to see that we have very different perspectives on the matter. Welcome and continue reading.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Correct.

        2. Anna says:

          I get it completely. However, needing some level attention from old fuel sources is confusing to me. Yes, I know, its fuel. Its all fuel, and it helps them operate. But seriously some of the going and back and forth causes so much drama and isn’t worth the fuel. Why would anyone be bothered with that?

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Drama to you, necessity to us. Different perspectives. You must learn to look at our behaviour through a different perspective, that way it becomes easier to understand. You do not have to like it, agree with it but it is important to understand it.

      5. A Victor says:

        I agree, I don’t understand that. I accept it as the narcissist’s thing, for the fuel, but I don’t understand it. That’s why, if I am hoovered, it will be so strange, and I’m hoping, as a result of the strangeness, it will be easy to then not respond, just keep with the NC. The entire thing is so odd really but I see my daughter’s generation may see this differently and I’m concerned that there are more narcissists all the time.

      6. Sweetest Perfection says:

        I do stay in contact with most of my exes. In those cases, the romantic relationship just didn’t work but we remain friends -some closer than others-. Many of them even named their daughters after me, which is kind of weird. I do NOT stay in contact with my narc exes. Those are gone. Dead. Kaput.

        1. Sweetest Perfection says:

          Disclaimer: by “I stay in contact” I meant I used to have them on my Facebook account when I had one, send the “de rigeur”‘happy birthday message, or answer an email if they ask me about a book recommendation or something. I don’t think that’s being a narcissist, is it?! Now you guys worry me! I see my exes as people I sometime used to love, I don’t wish them any harm. I wouldn’t date them again, though.

          1. Renarde says:

            SP

            Oh that is sweet! Love the idea of writing a letter in circles! Never heard of that before!

            Sadly, I am a narc magnet. I do have empathic friends but what I’ve found largely is that they’ve pared up with narcs.

            That can get troublesome when the narc realises I’m not about to take any shit.

            I had a very lovely female friend once. My relationship with her predated his. He removed her from family. Then her friends. I remember her once confidining in me that she was getting scared of him. I didnt know nothing in those days. He got her into drugs but I knew damn well she hadn’t the mindset to deal with it. I used to worry about her alot.

            He lost his rag at me over a comment where I was trying to help him. Then I lost her too.

            Hope shes ok. She was very beautiful and very fragile.

          2. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Renarde, I’m so sorry to read about your friend. It’s impossible to try to help a friend whose partner is a narcissist. I have a very good friend who’s married to a guy I suspect is a MRN. He is unbearable, controlling, gives her silent treatments all the time… she used to call me crying and rant, only to go back to him and excuse his behavior the following day. And what can you do? I’m just there for her when she needs to talk but I refrain from saying anything against him because I know the next day I’ll be the enemy. I tried to make her read some articles by HG but she can’t see what she’s married to so she doesn’t think they relate to her. I am not sure if I’m a narc magnet, I didn’t know what a narc was until I had the affair with the ULS and I found HG’s work. But looking in retrospect I have identified a few exes that are narcissists, one of them tried to hoover me at a work conference after almost 20 years of not seeing each other. I remember our relationship like one of the worst experiences in my life. Luckily, as I said before, I have dated wonderful people too. One thing I have never ever done is to make out with an ex. Yuck.

          3. A Victor says:

            Sweetest Perfection, thank you for sharing that.

            Renarde, how does one know they are a narc magnet? Being unaware of all this until very recently, I’m curious. I am a people magnet, much to my chagrin, they wear me out and I keep most at bay, but I don’t see a lot of narcissism in them, from my limited knowledge. Also, I have zero magnet cadre so what are they drawn to? If I knew I’d try to not show it except when I wanted to. I am a standard primarily but with a very strong super element, maybe it’s that. I have had the sense that the magnet cadre and the super are both quite attractive to narcs but not sure about people in general.

            And, one other question along this line, perhaps more for HG, is there a place to learn more about what are the empathic signals that the narc sees which cater to each different school and cadre? This was mentioned in my EDC but I have been unable to find anything specifically about it, what exactly we do or say that tells you prior to your decision to pursue.

            Thank you!

        2. Renarde says:

          SP

          The concept of having an ex that is not a narc is a tad ‘alien’ to me.

          1. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Ah, I see. Many of my exes are empathic or empaths. They are wonderful, caring, creative people I like to consider my friends. Just a month ago, one of them messaged me to tell me he was visiting his parents’ beach house and he found an old letter I wrote to him when we were 17. The letter was written in a circular manner, you had to start from the center and then read around in concentric circles. I don’t remember having done that. It was cute that he contacted me to bring that memory back and I was grateful for it. Not everyone in my life is a narc, thankfully!

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