But Why Did the Narcissist Do That?
I have heard this said so many times, read about it from bewildered and perplexed people and know from experience the confusion that accompanies this question.
“But how could he do this to me after everything else? But why would he behave like this? But who would do such a thing as that? He said he loved me. I know he loved me. How does someone love someone else in such a perfect way and then act as if he does not even know them?”
I have written about how the empath likes to know everything. This is not because you are big-headed or wish to boast. You like to know everything in order to allow you to help. You need to understand a situation. It has to make sense to you. You must be able to comprehend what has happened and find some logical reason for the occurrence. This is why you spend so long trying to work us out. This is why when we are doling out the silent treatment you need to ascertain why we are doing it (I think now you understand we do it because we need to, not because there is a valid (according to your reality) reason for this behaviour). It is a natural empathic reaction. If you understand why something has happened you can then consider the ways in which it can be addressed, remedied and fixed. You want everything to be alright.
Accordingly, when our devaluation is unleashed against you it comes out of nowhere. Yesterday we held hands as we walked through the park together and kissed beneath the spreading oak. Today you have been subjected to a nasty period of name-calling and blaming. You are dumbfounded. Where on earth did that come from? In your reality it makes no sense at all. One minute every is okay,nothing changes but then suddenly we are being horrible to you. It just does not add up. It makes no sense. It gets worse.Not only does it not follow in a logical sense since our response (viewed in your reality remember) seems random, how can a person who says he loves you then batter you with his fists, lock you out of your home, sleep rape you, smash up your car, spit on you and so on? Not only is it not a normal sequence of events if you love somebody then you just do not do that, do you?
This is what makes it so difficult for you to comprehend. We have conned you into thinking that we loved you. We gave you the huge seduction and dazzled you with the golden period. We know what you perceive love to be and we gave it to you in spade loads all manufactured by Narc Inc. Our production line went into over time creating these false acts and hollow declarations of love but you fell for it. You always do. Accordingly, you were duped into thinking that we loved you so that when we begin to devalue you it flies completely in the face of what you understand to be the situation.
You will sit for hours with your close friends and recite example after example of all the wonderful things that we have said and done and then ask,
“How can he hurt me when he loves me so much?”
It is utterly perplexing. Naturally there is method in this madness. If it made sense, if there was a logical reason for this volte face you are more likely to accept it and walk away. This twisted and nonsensical logic is purposefully designed to keep you with us because:-
- You must know what has happened and make sense of it
- You want to make things right
- You want the wonderful golden period again
5 thoughts on “But Why Did the Narcissist Do That?”
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As hard as this article is to read, it is good to see it in such black and white terms. Look at it from the narcs point of view, there is no love so it’s nothing to treat us badly. It’s still the intentionality of the making it look like love to us, for the control and the fuel, that gets me. It’s so organized and perfectly orchestrated, instinctual or calculated, this is the piece that I struggle with. But, the fact that they all run it in such similar ways is fascinating. And horrifying! To get my mind around it, I have come to see it like a terminal illness that runs a specific course. We can’t change the outcome, it can be prolonged sometimes but it will end the same. We can’t control it either. Thinking of narcissism in this way has helped me, for now. I can put it on a shelf, lol, and work on improving myself instead, for myself, not for him. Never mind that I might take it down from the shelf to see if it’s changed multiple times in a day still! Lol!
I just wish I would have been able to recognize this before I was hurt so badly. But then again, I probably wouldn’t have believed that the narc I was with for 3 years fell into this category. After being away from him for a year, I still try to hold on to thinking he loved me. It’s almost as if I have too in order to justify my decisions to take him back so many times.
It was 5.5 years in my “case”. How come you are still holding onto thinking he ‘loved’ you even though you have been away from him a year? I feel that you don’t have to justify yourself for your decisions to take him back – is it your ET and LT out of balance?
Hmm, they way I see it, the narcissists of my past have been chucked onto the scrap heap. In my eyes, they were dysfunctionally inoperable as people to have around me. I am the one that is ‘self-improved’ and ‘shining’ again once more, better than I have ever been. I’m nobody’s appliance. I don’t need batteries either. Right now, I feel like travelling & exploring new places but fkg covid is too rife.
Yes ,this article makes so much sense. We need to know answers to these questions as we scratch our head. As for self improvements get the hell out because you will never find these answers when dealing with the Narcissist.