Ask HG

 

 

281 thoughts on “Ask HG

  1. Liza says:

    haha you wake up to the imperial marche !! the mental video of you putting your balck bed sheet as a cape and marching with a badass deamanor towards your bathroom will never ever leave my brain, it even surpasses the broken eyelash

  2. iroll says:

    HG you’re a sociopath, not a ‘narcissist’

    1. lickemtomorrow says:

      I, for one, would be interested to hear you expand on that comment iroll.

      1. BC30 says:

        🍿

        1. Violetta says:

          Pass it when you’re done, please, BC30.

    2. A Victor says:

      Since you have brought this up iroll, it seems a good place to ask HG a question I’ve had.

      My ex was told by a counselor he had anti-social personality disorder. Is there a place in your materials to learn how that is different, or the same as/similar to, narcissism? If there is not a place to read about it, do you have thoughts about it? I’m also curious about Borderline Personality Disorder vs Narcissist, for a friend.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        I have not written specifically about the difference and similarities concerning narcissism and ASPD. With regard to BPD, I have covered this on my YouTube channel.

    3. Sweetest Perfection says:

      Tell me more

  3. Another Cat says:

    Truthseeker
    “It felt like a break from feeling sad. It also reminded me to eat. Some of us are the opposite of comfort eaters, we feel sad, so we simply just don’t remember to eat.”

    Yup and yup.

    1. Truthseeker6157 says:

      Hugs to you Another Cat x

      1. Another Cat says:

        x x Truthseeker thanks!

        I gain good weight when Ns are not around. You are right of the exercise.

        1. Gina G. says:

          I’m one of these too, don’t eat under severe stress. I was almost dropping under 100lbs by the time I left. Been out about 20 months now and am a good weight. Preparing to close on a house in two days, it did not take long to be very clear that he was the problem. Things have gotten better and better with no contact.

          1. NarcAngel says:

            Gina G
            Great to hear of your renewed strength of mind and body due to following no contact. Congratulations on your new home. Enjoy the peace.

          2. Truthseeker6157 says:

            Hi Gina,

            Congratulations on getting out and your fresh start in a new house! Exciting times ahead, that’s lovely to hear.
            I’m not sure we have spoken before, if you are new here, welcome to the blog Gina 🙂

          3. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Great news! Congrats Gina G!!! Exciting.

    2. NarcAngel says:

      Too sad to eat is a concept foreign to me haha. It signals giving up and giving in to ET. Your body needs sustenance to roar into battle. No wars (mental or otherwise) have ever been won by laying there whispering “I’m not hungry”.

      1. Another Cat says:

        Wise, NarcAngel

        Well, with age, hrm, I’ve realized that feeling good and strong has rendered me several pounds… 😉

      2. ANM says:

        @NA,
        “Spartans! Ready your breakfast, and eat hearty, for tonight we dine in hell!”

        1. NarcAngel says:

          ANM
          “Spartans! Ready your breakfast, and eat hearty, for tonight we dine in hell!”

          “No place for weakness. Only the hard and strong may call themselves Spartans”

          “Damn straight. Roast up those sad and listless creatures who forgot to eat and pass the protein. If they won’t fortify themselves they will fortify us for battle”

          Okay, maybe that last one was me.

          1. Anm says:

            I think everyone here would go a week without eating to have a lunch date in real life with Narc Angel.

      3. Truthseeker6157 says:

        NA,

        It’s not a conscious decision really, that would be different. That hints at grasping for control in one aspect when you have no control elsewhere. It’s more a case of, a sadness that consumes. You don’t think ‘I’m not hungry therefore I’ll skip dinner.’ You simply don’t think about it at all. Before you know it you realise two days have passed and you don’t remember eating anything.
        There needs to be a spark generated from elsewhere to get you going again. I lifting of the fog just for a short time. Then you realise, I’m hungry, I need to eat. Exercise can be that spark, at least it is for me.

        1. Another Cat says:

          I guess, Truthseeker,

          we’ve been exposed a lot to the typical Control Assertion of a narcissist: Making meals uncomfortable for the spouse, child, siblings, so they get less energy intake and develop eating disorders or just unconsciously associate eating with negativity.

          Oh I love all kinds of food, spicy, fruits, veg, meat… but when emotionally abused I just forgot at times. Yes, exercise works, but before anything I needed to start No Contact with Nex and mother.

          1. Truthseeker6157 says:

            Another Cat, Gina

            Yes, I can imagine mealtimes with a parental narc or narcissist partner can’t be a pleasurable experience at all. Not to do with liking or disliking food, but the environment in which the meal takes place. That’s repetitive too, and habit forming.

            Well-being is like a row of dominoes, you don’t eat so you don’t sleep, so you can’t concentrate, you can’t think your way out, so you sink further and slowly get weaker. That’s before you add in the digs and jabs and constant devaluation from the resident narc. It’s an insidious cycle.

            You get out, go No Contact but the well-being part takes time to repair after that. Small steps, things you can face and habits you can start to break. It’s a long process, has to be, doable, but not easy.

        2. Gina G says:

          Yes. Exactly. Not eating is only part of it, but the situation got so bad I was losing the will to live. No sleep either.

  4. Bibi says:

    HG, I wanted to share my interaction with my Mid Range coworker today on a Zoom call. A call was ongoing among my dept but my group was late due to the time sensitivity of our work. Once we arrived, most everyone had left the call other than my supervisor and MRN. Supervisor said, ‘MRN, can you fill them in on what they might have missed?’

    MRN was being chipper and cracking jokes, charming, etc, but then he said, ‘This is the group that isn’t any fun.’ And he turned it into a joke, but he has made comments as these to me before, implying that I don’t like to have fun, that I am boring, etc.

    My supervisor is oblivious to his remarks b/c she sees him as charming and a good person, etc. I think he says this b/c I don’t laugh at his jokes, I tend to be very lifeless when he is around (no fuel) and I don’t like to go out partying at events where people like him preen and stand about and talk about boring, shallow things.

    I asked myself if I am being too sensitive. I can’t see anyone else making a comment as that, and while my logic and reason knows what he is doing, my emotions get a hold on me (and given I am already stressed and depressed from other factors like work and this pandemic and feeling like I don’t matter) it annoyed me.

    He likes to create a perception of people–‘oh, they’re the boring ones,’ etc. That’s the same feeling I got from the MMRN–I was boring, bland, not as exciting as celebrity gossip, etc. It is a shitty feeling.

    1. Truthseeker6157 says:

      Bibi

      You aren’t bland or boring. You have made me laugh out loud before with your comments. You are amending your behaviour a lot though and that might be taking its toll.

      I can see why you do it. You don’t want to give fuel because work narc aggravates you to death. You might be paying too high a price though if you are remaining in this expressionless character throughout a full day because the narc is in that day.

      Try to be yourself on the days he is in. Be you with everyone else and look through him. Be you in every interaction apart from a direct interaction with him. Group meeting, or conference call, be you. Direct comment from him, turn cold. Expressionless, then turn, continue as you with the person sitting next to you. If not Bibi, you are fighting your own nature. That’s exhausting and, over time, you assume that lifeless character longer than you should. If a little fuel filters his way from a group interaction with the narc in it, then fine, enjoy it mate, but that’s your lot.

      I think that would be my approach. Light up for all in the room but turn off when interacting with him directly. You have lovely qualities Bibi, don’t hide them away to safeguard a drop of fuel.

      1. Bibi says:

        Thank you, Truthseeker. I am only lifeless around him but not to others. I actually discussed this with my coworkers (they know of HG and the term ‘Mid-Ranger’) and one coworker said, ‘That comment was directed at you. He does it because he knows it gets to you.’

        Another coworker confirmed that he thought that my shutting the fuel line (I don’t laugh at his jokes and I treat him with indifference–not rude but not anyone special) was the source of his provocation.

        His ‘joking around’ is all too familiar with other narcs where they make little digs and barbs at you and then haha let’s tell a funny joke and it’s all good again. His jokes (whether at my expense or shared with me) are crumbs and I refuse to take them.

        My male coworker said that Mid Ranger believes 1) I don’t understand his jokes or 2) I am too PC and offended. It never occurs to him that maybe he isn’t funny or lo and behold–perhaps his condescension and digs have taken their toll. But of course, being a narc, he doesn’t see it that way.

        My male coworker also confirmed that Mid Ranger detests emotion. ‘He sees you as fragile and overly sensitive,’ my coworker said. When I used to speak to Mid Ranger more regularly, I told him I was HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), wherein his response was, ‘Is this some self diagnosis after reading Psychology Today?’

        That is the sort of shit he will say. Very biting and undercutting so I am sure as all hell never sharing anything personal with him again.

        Thank you for your comments, Truthseeker. They felt like a nice warm virtual hug. And amid this covid, that is all we got.

        1. ANM says:

          Bibi,
          He sounds obnoxious. If I were you, I would just play into his facade. Laugh at his dumb jokes, tell him you agree with his proposed ideas and that they are “brilliant”. On the flip side, during your zoom meetings, make a few items conspicuous but subtle. Like have a loaded gun on your desk with an extra magazine next to it, or a picture of Satan hanging up in the background, something that screams, “you will regret it if you cross me.”

          1. Violetta says:

            In this case, being boring might be better. Let him go on thinking you don’t get his jokes or the brilliance of his plans. I don’t mean play stupid or show disapproval, just be blank. You can’t maintain grey rock forever (and HG has little enthusiasm for grey rock on anything but a short-term basis to deal with an ambush), but it may be your best bet while the world is in limbo from the pandemic and political weirdness. He’ll get less fuel from your lack of reaction than from your praising his ideas or appreciating his “humor.”

            Having him underestimate you may work to your benefit, and as annoying as it is to put up with someone condescending, there’s a certain satisfaction in knowing you’re the one fooling him. You don’t have to prove your intelligence to him, unless you think his opinion matters.

            He may also become overconfident and slip up. Since other people know what he is and you’re not being gaslighted by the whole office, there may be an opportunity to solve the problem for everybody.

            My opinion, obviously, and I’m trying to apply what I’ve learned here, but of course consult HG before you make any major decisions.

          2. Anm says:

            I didn’t think anyone would actually take my comment seriously.

          3. Violetta says:

            I figured the last two sentences were joking, but the part about laughing at his dumb jokes and telling him his ideas were brilliant worried me.

          4. A Victor says:

            The narc I was talking to last summer once screamed at me that I was satanic, among other things. 3 days later he came back to restart things, he wasn’t afraid. I didn’t know about narcissism at that point so I let him come back, ugh.

          5. Violetta says:

            It’s so tempting to tell people like that, ”Yes, I am Satanic, and the tortured spirits of Madam Blavatsky and Anton LaVey have commanded me never to see you again!”

            But it would be fuel.

            😞

          6. A Victor says:

            Violetta, your comment made me laugh! Thank you, it’s been a bit of a teary day, I needed it!

        2. Truthseeker6157 says:

          I see now what you mean Bibi.

          A work narc has to be soul destroying because you are stuck with it. Outside of work you can remove yourself or cut them dead entirely. Not so in work. I’m glad you don’t tone yourself down too much though, that severs links with others that might otherwise be there. Great that you have explained his behaviours to other coworkers too, their recognition / discussion of some of his behaviours must help a little.

          The positives are you know what he is, you aren’t trying to fix what can’t be fixed and your ET is held in place by minimal interaction. The downside, it’s wearing you down.

          You can’t change him or that situation (assuming job change not an option right now) so try to do something for you that you enjoy. Make the effort and stick to it. I know Covid limits everything, pain in the ass, but, Covid won’t take over everything indefinitely. Something has to give in the first part of next year. It will get better. Things will change. There is a light at the end of the tunnel because we can’t sustain these lockdowns indefinitely. That has been the problem with Covid. No definitive end point to aim at. But there will in fact be an end point and things will get better before too much longer.

          Hang in there girl. Make plans for the second part of next year. Real plans, something to look forward to or something to change and focus on that. There’s your end point, you need one, we all do or we just end up being hamsters on a wheel.

          I’m glad you felt a hug, because a hug is what was sent. Xx

    2. A Victor says:

      I am so sorry you have to deal with a person like this. If you decide to point at him and say “Ha-haw”, please share his reaction. I do want to try that on a narc in my life but it makes me nervous.

      Please take this in the vein I intend, I don’t mean to minimize your situation at all. It’s just that every time I think of that empath grenade, I giggle.

  5. Eternity says:

    Hi Leigh,
    I am sorry I misunderstood you .
    I pray that none of my children will become Narcissists too. Exactly you cant unbake the cake once it is baked. Being an Empath myself I wish we can stop it from forming. I agree with you Leigh it is very sad and make me want to cry. It would be awesome! We have to come to terms that there is 1 in 6 . Hugs xoxo

    1. Leigh says:

      Eternity, no need to apologize. I can see why you would think I was asking for myself. And maybe I was on some level. I hope I did the right thing by my children..

  6. Leigh says:

    Mr. Tudor, I’m not sure where to ask this, so I’m going to ask here. I may go on YouTube and ask it there as well. Is there a way to stop Narcissism from forming? Let’s say I’m an empath and I’m married to a narcissist and we have a baby. Then I come across Narcsite. I do the ED & ND and you confirm my husband is a narc and I’m an empath. How do I stop the baby from becoming a narcissist? Is there a way to stop the narcissism before it starts? I’m going to take it a step further. What if you are the grandmother and your child doesn’t have awareness. As the grandmother, is there a way to stop it?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You ensure that your empathic behaviours prevail, thus preventing a lack of control environment.

      1. A Victor says:

        Wow, that is very logical. Why do we struggle so to see that? Sort of a rhetorical question, it’s our empathy I am guessing. Building blocks, I’m starting at the bottom…

      2. withinreason says:

        Not to be dense or anything but could you elaborate just a bit more on what you mean. Control environment? Sorry I just want to fully comprehend what you are saying.

        Thanks 🙂

        1. HG Tudor says:

          See To Control is to Cope.

      3. Leigh says:

        Thank you Mr. Tudor. Are there early indicators that would show that the child feels a lack of control in their environment?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Yes.

      4. Asp Emp says:

        Hope you don’t mind, I wrote your comment down – it’s a ‘wow’ statement (one of many, of course 🙂 )

    2. Eternity says:

      Leigh , I recommend the Child Defender Package and it explains it there . Hopefully the baby wont become one it can go either way.

      1. Leigh says:

        Hi Eternity, there’s no baby. My children are in their 20s and I pray everyday they are normal and have empathy. Like Mr. Tudor says, the cake is already baked at that point. I was just asking in general. Its always a concern of mine. Ever since coming here, I’ve always hoped their was a way to stop the narcissism from forming. The idea that they are just a void, makes me sad. I know Mr. Tudor will say that’s emotional thinking but it still makes me sad. If we could cut it off before it starts, wouldn’t that be fantastic.

    3. FYC says:

      To elaborate on HG’s Ultra wise response, a baby develops empathy by his/her experiences with the primary caregiver (hopefully a non-narcissist) and secondary caregivers. Positive, affirming, nurturing, loving behavior builds neural synapses that enable behavioral patterns to form. When a baby finds empathy and attunement with a caregiver, it builds positive self-concept and a secure attachment style. As HG explains in To Control is to Cope, the absence of these creates a lack of control environment. Genetic Predisposition GPD is only part of the equation. Lack Of Control Environment (LOCE) has an enormous influence, especially ages 0-4, and still helpful onward to age 12 and beyond. If you are interested in reading research studies that support what HG already knows, there are many and I would be happy to supply them.

      1. Leigh says:

        That would be fantastic! I’m very interested. I can’t do anything about my own children at this point. But should there be grandchildren, it would be wonderful to know how to minimize the lack of control environment and how to help ensure empathetic traits are formed..

        1. Another Cat says:

          Leigh
          Sorry if somebody already linked and I missed, but reading “To Control Is To Cope” helps a great deal. A list and description of lack of control environments. I often check it out.

          1. Leigh says:

            Hi Anorher Cat, yes, I’ve read it and I’m still confused. My childhood was bizarre. I was abused, neglected and often went to bed hungry. I only ate the meals that were provided at school. My mother did not feed us. But there’s a flip side. I was also the golden child. I was told I was smart and beautiful. My brother’s were often triangulated with me. My mother would say to them, why can’t you be more like your sister or your sister would do it.

            I have a brother who is disabled. Whenever my father was on an attack, I would stand in front of my brother. I didn’t want him to hurt.

            So now I have the same question as LET and Fiddleress, how did I end up with empathy? I had no love, I had the genetic disposition and a lack of control environment. Why was it different for me?

            I know it’s important to nurture your children. I’ve always believed that I’m only here to guide them in life. I hope I did the right thing by them.

          2. Another Cat says:

            Leigh said
            “? I had no love, I had the genetic disposition and a lack of control environment. Why was it different for me?”

            Sorry about the childhood you and your siblings got, Leigh! Wish we could turn back time and undo.

            I guess maybe you were lucky with goodold gene probability. If you inherited your empathy genes from an empathic grandmother plus an empathic grandfather, then you simply lack the NPD gene. So that your parents both have the genetic disposition of NPD but you don’t.

            Or, the NPD gene of yours just didn’t manifest. Because, as you say, you might not have felt the lack of control.

            I am amazed that several commenters here on Narcsite have both parents narcs, but still they themselves obviously became compassionate, warm people.

          3. Leigh says:

            Another Cat, I’m not 100% positive that I’m not a narcissist. Can it really be that there are so many people in my life that are the problem? Maybe it’s me. Maybe everyone else isn’t the problem, maybe I am. I’ve been having an issue with PayPal and purchasing the ED. But I’m going to get that resolved so I can have answers once and for all. I feel like every time I turn around there is another narcissist in my life.

            Yes, my childhood was hard. I really don’t feel like a victim though and I wouldn’t change it either. It made me the person I am today.

          4. HG Tudor says:

            Resolve the PayPal issue and I will resolve your narcissist concerns issue.

          5. Another Cat says:

            Leigh
            I think you are surrounded by narcissists simply because you are an empath. But yes, the ED is something I intend to do. It shows you empathic cadre and school as well.

          6. Leigh says:

            Mr. Tudor, I’m trying to get it resolved. I dont have an account so I have to look on the help community. I’ve done their suggestions. I registered the card. I waited to use it. Still nothing!

            I dont have another 200 to buy another gift card so I’m at a stand still right now.

            I guess I’ll keep checking throughout the day to see if the card eventually works..

          7. HG Tudor says:

            Indeed. I am unable to offer any assistance with regard to why it is not working. If FYC sees this, she may have a solution as she is an expert re the use of gift cards.

          8. Leigh says:

            Another Cat, 3 years ago I started an affair. After a 18 mos and during another silent treatment, I came here for answers. Since then, my whole life has been turned upside down. If I never had that affair, I would still be living in my shell & completely unaware. I dont know which one is worse. Knowing or not knowing.

          9. FYC says:

            Hello Leigh, sorry you are having troubles with your gift card. Not all gift cards are accepted by either PayPal or Gumroad. You may be in a situation where you will need to sell that card to a trusted source for cash and purchase a different brand gift card. It may also be the case that depending upon your history, no gift card will be accepted for purchases.

            If the problem lies with the gift card, it is either due to issuer rules or due to blocking by Gumroad. If a PayPal problem, it may be due to your purchasing patterns or due to the fact that PayPal has tighten restrictions on unregistered accounts. Another delay that can happen is some gift cards require verification of your possession of the card. They do this by charging a small ($1-$3) debit on your account, then ask you to verify the transaction number before activating your card (and then refund the verification debit). Please provide more details and I may be able to help.

            1) Who is the issuer of the card (look on the back)
            2) Where are you attempting to purchase? PayPal or Gumroad?
            3) What error message are you receiving?

            In all honesty, gift cards are becoming much harder to use due to data mining practices and the revenue potential from selling the same data. In the future, you may wish to consider a privacy service for masking your identity to prevent data mining.

          10. FYC says:

            Leigh, With regard to knowing or not knowing about narcissism, it is ALWAYS better to know! Otherwise you will be subject to history repeating itself in one iteration or another. Read everything you can by HG. By knowing the narcissist, you can avoid such pain in the future and become unstoppable and find peace. You will see things very differently and be able to reach a point of Zero Impact. I look forward to your healing and progress. For what it’s worth, from what I have read, you show no real indicators of being a narcissist. Everyone has narcissistic traits, but this does not make one a narcissist. If you have emotional empathy, you are not a narcissist. If you wonder why you are surrounded by ‘difficult’ people, it may just be that your fuel is lovely and you attract narcissists.

          11. Leigh says:

            Hi FYC, its issued by Metabank. I called customer service for the gift card. The card is still valid, there no block on it. I’m trying to use it on PayPal to pay for the ED & TD. It’s says that the card is declined and to use a different card.

            Mr. Tudor, can I pay through Gumroad?

            FYC, can I purchase a new card using the gift card?

          12. HG Tudor says:

            Leigh, if you use the sum via the AAF at Gumroad with this link https://gum.co/ZkPKC I will see it is you and I will then email you the material for the EDC and TDC

          13. Leigh says:

            Thank you, thank you, thank you Mr. Tudor. I used the link and it looks like the gift card worked.

            Please confirm you’ve received payment.

          14. HG Tudor says:

            Confirmed, material sent.

        2. A Victor says:

          Leigh, I have adult children and the ongoing influence I have with them is shocking to me. But it’s good. They get to know me as an adult now, taking the empathic values I raised them with and seeing me actually live those out on the bigger world in a different way than young children see their parents. It has been good for them to see the consistency from a different vantage point. I never push anything on them, I just am who I am. And, it does help the grandchildren also.

          It’s a bit funny because I am terrified of motorcycles, for example. But when I was involved with the narc, he convinced me to consider lessons to drive one and we discussed me purchasing one! My kids were incredulous!! They absolutely couldn’t believe it! So, I’ve learned since, I need to be sure to use my logic in the future so that I maintain my consistency. Lol!

        3. Fiddleress2 says:

          Leigh, I am sure you did the right thing by your children. We are not all powerful. Part of what becomes of our children is out of our hands. That is the conclusion I have reached, all the more as I can see that what I have become, and several of us here have become, was also out of our parents’ hands, maybe for the better in our case.

        4. WhoCares says:

          Leigh,

          I hope that FYC chimes in but I have some experience with gift cards as well.

          I have had, mostly, success with then but some difficulties with them as well. HG is always patient and accomodating as I sort the issues out and I am grateful for that.

          One unique issue I had (this may or may not help you) was once when I attempted so many times to figure out (on my own, because I had never had that specific problem up until then) why a card didn’t work that it resulted in flagging as a security issue and the card got blocked. So I created my own issue. I called the customer service line several times and even could not get through for days (the line just kept dropping after being put on hold for 2 or 3 minutes). When I did get through I was notified of the security issue on the card and had to purchase a new gift card.
          You may want to try calling the provider of the card and inquire regarding the card’s status.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Thank you WC.

          2. WhoCares says:

            No problem HG.

          3. Leigh says:

            Can I purchase a new one with the old one??

          4. WhoCares says:

            Leigh,

            That’s a good question. But I doubt that is possible, since they cannot unblock a card once it has been ‘compromised’. I had to buy a new one. They did say that a new card (to replace the unused balance on the original card) would be mailed to me, but so far I have not received it.

          5. WhoCares says:

            Leigh – that is if your card is actually compromised. You may want to call customer service.
            I think I went to a brick and mortar store and attempted to make a small purchase to see if the card would work at all or if the problem was only with online purchases – however – I think that may have contributed to my problem at that time; my multiple attempts to use the card flagged as a security issue.

          6. Leigh says:

            Hi WhoCares, i just got off the phone with customer service for the gift and the card is still good. I still have a balance of 200 and he doesn’t see any denied transactions.

            Anyone else have any ideas???

          7. WhoCares says:

            Leigh,

            Well, at least you ruled that out. I know that Gumroad doesn’t accept gift cards (or at least it didn’t, then it did, and then it didn’t again…in my experience).
            I have rarely have had problems when HG invoices me. Perhaps it is an PayPal issue? Sorry, I don’t have any further suggestions.

        5. WhoCares says:

          Glad your card eventually worked for you – that would be frustrating!

      2. lickemtomorrow says:

        Hi FYC, always interested to read your responses and I am still left to wonder about a child (such as myself) who does not have those basic building blocks in terms of developing empathy yet develops empathy anyway. This would include a lack of control environment. There may be a genetic element as suggested which precludes the child from becoming a narcissist, but I do also think empathy is part of the nature of the individual as well. I feel I knew instinctively, and in my bones, what is was to be empathic and did not require to be taught these things. That might also explain why some people are more empathic than others. They have been taught the same, but the degree of their empathy is not the same. It’s a curiosity to me so I just thought I’d explore it a little more here.

        1. Fiddleress2 says:

          LET, I totally agree with what you wrote, I could second every word.

          1. lickemtomorrow says:

            Thanks Fiddleress. It’s a complex issue and I know FYC has done her homework. Which is why I raised the further question. I don’t understand why I am the only empathic person in my family given the circumstances and I inherently knew that was the case because I was different. I’m sure there are others here who can relate. It is a further layer to the creation of the empath that doesn’t solely rely on it being taught (which I agree it is also) but suggests it may also be an inherent characteristic.

          2. Fiddleress2 says:

            That’s right, LET, I agreed with your previous post with regard to FYC’s research too, which is always well considered. (Hi FYC! As I said before, but it is always worth stating: I always greatly appreciate reading your comments.)
            The only other empath in my family is/was my father, but he never spoke to me (was always drunk though not violent) taught me nothing and certainly did not protect us kids from Matrinarc, even siding with her against us at the end of the day. I may well have imagined he is an empath. He is not a narc, but maybe not an all-out empath either.
            I agree that each individual is born with their own make-up, and that part of us eludes all explanation.

          3. lickemtomorrow says:

            That sounds like a very tough upbringing, Fiddleress, and like no one was there for you as a child. I imagine you became some kind of a carer to your father in that situation being an empathic child. Whether you projected some of that on to him is hard to know. I think I projected some empathic traits onto my father simply because I was parenting my parent so to speak and I was his conduit for understanding. If that makes sense. I’m just working some of it out in my own head now. But that must have been very traumatic for you. I’m glad he wasn’t violent – you never know what way it will go with alcohol involved – but the lack of protection must have left you feeling very vulnerable, and for him to side with your mother makes it worse again. You really had nowhere to turn. You have obviously come a very long way since then and it is truly amazing. There is a true strength to your character <3

            And how we come through it all with our empathy intact is another thing that can elude explanation x

          4. Fiddleress2 says:

            Yes LET, what you say about yourself makes perfect sense.

            Actually a psychologist I consulted with as a young adult told me that given my social and familial background, statiscally, the odds were I could have become a delinquent, turned to drugs, or ended up in a mental asylum. I was about to add ‘haha’, but this may be improper, though I am proud (one of this empath’s narcissisistic traits!) That none of this happened. And I really believe I have my teachers and our education system to thank for this: my teachers were the people I could turn to. My drive to escape from my background felt like a rage, I was hellbent on getting out of it, and my teachers were all unwavering in encouraging and supporting me. That was my luck in life, and I am sure that is why I teach today, to offer my pupils and students the same opportunity.
            I hope that you had people to turn to, LET, or you must have had great strength in you too ×

          5. FYC says:

            Hi Fiddleress, Thank you for your very kind compliment. I too am the only empath in my immediate family. I would not change that, however, is does present so many challenges and difficulties. It would be easier to feel less, but that is not possible. I also agree with HG that embracing who we are is the best and only course of action. I only wish I had the insight and knowledge I have gained from HG at a much earlier age (say 16-18yrs old) so I could have made different choices.

            Yet, to acquire this level of understanding at any age is such a tremendous gift. Understanding empathy, NPD and APD is so important. Everyone will come across people who are empaths, NPD and APD in their lifetime. Most will not understand what is at play. We are fortunate to have such a fantastic resource of understanding and knowledge. Gaining knowledge from KTN is like gaining a super power or x-ray vision. Sharing this information with all who are ready and willing to absorb its content, removes the blinders, and enables people to make better choices for themselves and their families. Knowledge really is empowering.

        2. FYC says:

          Hello LET, I hope all is well with you. I know I have always had deep emotional empathy. It is an enormous influencing factor in my life, sometimes too much so. I am also an ACoN. When I found HG, I devoured his material. His understanding is brilliant and his presentation magnificently articulated. Just prior, and throughout the past few years, I have also devoured scholarly literature. Unsurprisingly, the two are complimentary, however, I find HG’s materials provide greater insight to the stratification of empathy and the lack thereof and the nuances of how these variances are experienced in life, far more than that of any scholarly research.

          When I first read “To Control is to Cope”, I wanted to understand the creation of narcissism and its two key influences: GPD (genetic predisposition) and LOCE (lack of control environment). I researched both. To keep my answer short, you likely do not have the GPD if you had a total LOCE. If you have GPD + LOCE, narcissism is the defense mechanism that arises. If you had GPD and no LOCE, you could also escape the need for a psychological defense. Additionally, there are mitigating influences that have a strong impact such any person that has regular and sustained contact that demonstrates empathy. All research to date points to HG’s conclusion, that a genetic predisposition, combined with environment (LOCE) are necessary for the narcissism psychological defense to arise. For my original comments on GPD, please read: https://narcsite.com/2019/04/14/twisted-9/#comment-258317

          Research on empathy is far more vast and difficult to effectively summarize. Empathy is multidimensional and its development spans from birth to adulthood. Numerous components of empathy and contributing factors have been explored and researched. Babies are noted to show precursor empathy (distress when another baby cries) hours after birth [Martin & Clark 1982; Sagi & Hoffman 1976; Simner 1971]. How an infant’s distress is responded to determines their internal sense of security and well being [Bowlby-Ainsworth attachment theory]. Mother-infant affective synchrony (attunement) measured in the first year of life is directly associated with emotional empathy [Feldman, 2007]. Further, maternal attunement/warmth has been noted as the most important influencing factor [Robinson et al. 1994; Zhou et al. 2002]. The way primary caregivers help children understand and define their feelings also adds to their grasp their experience of emotional empathy [Garner 2003]. Self-other differentiation development is an influencing factor on empathy development as is perspective taking [Knafo et al. 2008]. Ego development is also associated with greater degrees of empathy. The influences described above also impact brain development, and the presence or lack of empathy is determinative of the development of neural synapses (gateways to access processing centers of emotions). Another aspect of development is that of the unborn child an its experiences. There are many links in the developmental chain of emotional empathy (or lack thereof). It can be difficult to summarize for this reason.

          1. Leigh says:

            FYC, Thank you for including the link to your original post. It’s alot to soak in. I’m going to look over your research as well. I can see that even though I had the LOCE, I must not have the GPD.

            I don’t have any control over GPD but I do have some control over LOCE. I’m curious, in your research, did you find indicators that would indicate that the child was infact, developing empathy?

          2. FYC says:

            Leigh, Yes. You may find the articles below of interest. Think of child development as multifactorial and multi-dimentional. From 0-3 the stage of self-differentiation is already underway. So too is the development of attachment style which is predicated upon the child parent bond (attunement/sychrony). Self concept and other concept and how those relate is an underpinning to empathy. Mirroring is observable in infants as are reactions (mother smiles and baby responds with a smile, or a baby cries and the baby hearing this also becomes upset). At the same time the brain is growing dramatically. The connections that form mental and emotional processing are increasing exponentially. Development and experience are intertwined and reflexive. As a child ages 4-12, depending upon the influences around them, as well as their ego development, they will go on to develop further empathic skills or to further reject the other as a means of coping.

            https://www.nature-nurture.org/index.php/ontogenetic-development/development-of-sense-of-self/self-other-differentiation/
            https://healthresearchfunding.org/john-bowlbys-attachment-theory-explained/
            https://healthresearchfunding.org/mary-ainsworth-attachment-theory-explained/
            https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2019/07/190729111225.htm
            https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/smart-parenting-smarter-kids/201905/how-children-develop-empathy
            https://www.semanticscholar.org/paper/An-Index-of-Empathy-for-Children-and-Adolescents.-Bryant/ebb84ba7a07002bedf53f102dd34f3c831f03c56

          3. Anm says:

            FYC,
            If you look at my comment, I did make a reference about my daughter’s attachment . With that being said, I have been in the family court system for 4 years now, I help others building their cases against Narcissist, and I have researched a lot about the Psychologist who write articles about attachment styles for children. I do want to say this, be very careful with approaching attachments if the other parent is a narcissist or sociopath. The reason being, narcissist and sociopaths can not bond or form attachments for the life of them, they are often envious of the empathic parents ability to do so with the children. If there are ever court proceedings regarding the custody of children from a narcisisst, especially if the case becomes protracted, a narcisisst and their attorneys most effective way of obtaining primary custody of the children, is to actually make arguments that the reason they do not have an attachment with the children is due to the child rejecting them I’m favor of the empathic parent. Many of these Psychologist who write about attachment issues during divorce can be weaponized by giving expert witness testimony in court in favor of the narcisisst. It only takes a check book to get them to do so. You would be amazed with how many Forensic Psychologist who are expert witnesses regarding personality disorders and attachment styles are actually sociopathic or are narcisisst. Because my daughter is turning 5, and she often rejects her malignant narcissist father, and even will make comments about never wanting to see him again, I am anticipating that I myself may be accused in court pleadings as having a personality disorder and turning our child against him. I luckily have already been building my case to defend myself against such accusations, but for many victims of narcisisstic abuse, they are often blindsided and not prepared to be accused when they enter the court arena.

            Let me know if anyone is facing accusations of Parental Alienation or emotional abuse during litigation. This is the number one litigation strategy for abusers, and you can defend yourself before it’s too late.

          4. Another Cat says:

            Two of my narc exes told me about stepdads who touched them on inappropriate places. One of them told me about the repeated cheatings where he saw stepnarc with different women, when he was a young child.

            Cross Pollution probably gives many answers, to why empathic mothers, in no contact with the father of the kids since the kids were maybe 3 years old, STILL often end up with one of the children growing up with NPD.

            There are several reasons a kid might develop NPD (mine are 50 % with their Upper Midrange dad), but at least, with HG’s material, I am aware of my attraction to narcs, so I haven’t introduced them to any new man yet. Trying to establish that this future person is empathic if I ever find him.

          5. Another Cat says:

            ANM

            ” You would be amazed with how many Forensic Psychologist who are expert witnesses regarding personality disorders and attachment styles are actually sociopathic or are narcisisst.”

            I noticed this too. One can recognize that imposing body language and piercing stare on many of the psychologists (their photos, when googling) writing about children and empathy. Plus the fact that a psychologist exposing their own children’s tantrums in the columns, is a huge red flag, as well as the stare.

            The power and control attracts narcissists to child psychology professions.

          6. FYC says:

            Hi ANM, I hope all is well with you. My original comment was in support of HG’s comment (research supports his assertions), and my direct response to Leigh was in answer to her request for studies. I was not referring to your comments.

    4. Anm says:

      Leigh,
      I have two different children from two different narcissist. First of all, just know that children have higher levels of narcissism due to developmental milestones. So it can be a bit difficult to tell with some kids if they are truly Narcissistic or not. With that being said, I have a daughter who is almost 5, her father is a malignant somatic narcissist. I believe she has a genetic predisposition to narcissism. It’s hard to explain, but she looks and acts exactly like her father. I absolutely believe if her father ever had somehow gained full custody of her between the ages of 0-3, her psych would have been traumatized to develop full narcissism, possibly sociopathy. That did NOT happen though. He did gain every other weekend custody of her AT THAT TIME, which was damaging in it’s own way, but she was able to develop attachment bonds, and feel love and security, so it tipped the scales in a positive direction for her. HG’s Save The Children blog is perfect starting point for suggestions about all this.

      Other than that, every day I celebrate my daughter for who she is. I celebrate her Narcissistic Traits: she is gorgeous, has an athletic built, is extremely competitive, loves to play sports, is vocal about what she wants, and is goal oriented. I also celebrate her empathic traits and try to push those: I got her a pet dog (whom has a restraining order against the narcissist), she has to take care of her pet, I encourage her to share, we talk about feelings, and positive moments of our day. One thing that is 100% important to me, is that I have made a huge effort to bring her around people who are extremely empathic, or people who have healthy marriages/relationships so that she see what a healthy relationship looks like, and that becomes her normal. I am also going to get her into counseling in the future, but I have had to do serious research about what would be the best approach to that.

      Above all, children are a gift to us! We do not get to control who they become or where their lives will take them. If my daughter ever does become a full blown Psychopath -which she won’t, I will still be her mother, and will still love her with all of my heart. The journey just may change a bit for us. But for now, I consider her a Super Empath, and we are happy.

      1. lickemtomorrow says:

        My children were removed from the influence of my narcissistic ex-husband at an early age as well, ANM. I knew that was best for all of us and access did occur for a few years until I removed us all completely from the situation. The older they got, the worse he became, in terms of his actions and his influence. My eldest daughter has phenomenal drive and in her mid twenties is already on a six figure salary. She is also high on narcissistic traits, but I believe they have been tempered with the right kind of influence. Her father favoured her in many ways, so she was the ‘golden child’, and he sought to triangulate (or divide and conquer) the other children in relation to that. I knew it was happening, but I didn’t understand what was happening at the time. I have three children and for the most part they are all empaths. My middle daughter is a huge empath and easily affected and influenced by the suffering of others. For that reason she has been the one to watch. I’ve come across some recent work related to the genetic predisposition when it comes to raising children of sociopaths and while it is a little late to change any outcomes I might follow it up for my own interest now. I’m so glad you have been able to achieve such a good outcome with your daughter and no doubt your loving and conscientious parenting has made a big difference to her.

        1. Anm says:

          Lickemtomorrow, let me know what research or articles that you find, please.

          1. lickemtomorrow says:

            Will do, ANM. You have to pay for access to the material and I’ve been tossing up around the cost, but it certainly looks valuable.

          2. Anm says:

            Lickemtomorrow, what do you do for work? Are these clinical research studies or what? I am curious.

          3. lickemtomorrow says:

            I think I should have been a lawyer, but was pushed in another direction 😉

            The work I mentioned I discovered on another blog site and it is for mental health professionals, but also accessible to the public. It is a series of four lectures given by a Psychiatrist who found herself in the unfortunate position of being married to a Sociopath. She has a very interesting story to tell, and has been able to use her experience and expertise to inform her practice as well as being in the unique position of having had a child to the Sociopath. Which is where the professional meets the personal. So it appears to be a subject close to her heart. And she has the expertise to back it up. I’m not sure I can provide the link here, and as I said I haven’t accessed it yet. I wouldn’t want to recommend anything unless I think it’s worthwhile.

  7. Alexissmith2016 says:

    Hg would it be better for the UK trade agreements if Biden wins? I would actually miss Trump if it does happen, Trump is the most entertaining president ever there was! But would it be easier for Boris to manipulate Biden than Trump? Or would both be on an equal pegging in terms of Boris’ ability to manipulate them?

    1. Truthseeker6157 says:

      Hahaha Alexis, I thought similar. I thought if Biden wins, I don’t think I’ll ever read US news again. Trump messed up big time over Covid but in some ways I kind of like the non filtered Lesser side. Says exactly what pops into his head. It’s refreshing in a strange kind of way. Can’t trust either of them, they are narcissists and they are politicians, but for a non American, watching Biden is akin to watching paint dry.

      1. Asp Emp says:

        I’d wondered about Biden. Is he actually ‘alive’? Like the Living Dead, he is…..

        1. Alexissmith2016 says:

          Hahahah Esp! So true, sometimes he even looks as though he’s almost practicing for death lol.

          Anyway I wonder why HG didn’t answer? Either he doesn’t know or he’s going to treat us to the answer veeeeery soon xxxx

          1. Asp Emp says:

            Biden is not practising – he already IS. Just watching the guy speak on tv – I can see his narcissistic traits – where he has practised his methods – he is not rushing what he says – it’s as if he is ‘calculating’ as he goes along. Trump is like a blind bull in a china shop cos his control is now completely threatened. Biden is like an aging gorilla, quietly sitting in the corner of a cage – observing all around.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Good observations.

          3. Asp Emp says:

            Thank you, HG.

          4. Bibi says:

            Had Trump treated this pandemic seriously and took on the role of a real leader (such as stressing the importance of masks, listening and not mocking the CDC, closing entry into the US before spreading could begin, etc.) this election would be a walk for him–despite the pussy comments and narcissism. Biden is just too limp dick.

            W, whether you agree with his decision or not, took action after 9/11 and took it seriously. Trump has not.

            If he refuses the concede, it will be very interesting to watch him be forced out of the White House and regarded as a trespasser. Nothing reveals the American divide more than this absolutely razor thin election. Half the country is fine voting for a racist man child who is undemocratic in every way imaginable. If you support Trump you simply do not support democracy.

        2. FYC says:

          Biden is the Trojan horse for Harris and those she represents. Harris’ bid for nomination garnered only 7% support (she is not well liked, nor respected, even in her own state). Biden requires handlers at this point. Did you notice his wife feeding him names and words he repeatedly forgot? Biden is the very image of the fading narcissist.

          1. Asp Emp says:

            Yup – totally agree – fading narcissist. Hence his being ‘measured’ when public speaking. I recognise this because the MRN I knew was also getting like this – especially when he was talking about subjects that he felt less ‘secure’ about – when it was work, no issues (depended on who he was conversing with). This was brought on by his illness – can’t go into details. When his illness advances (which it will do), he will struggle more to maintain the ‘facade’.

      2. Alexissmith2016 says:

        Absolutely TS, Biden is incredibly dull and the only thing making me want him in is because it would be better for the UK. But really I want Trump because how dull will it be without him.

        I know lessers can be manipulated still but at a guess it would be more simplistic in some ways ans more tricky in others. I probably share that in common with a lesser to some degree hahaha oh dear because when I dig my heals In, there is no changing my mind.

        1. Bibi says:

          I have a friend in Manchester who mentioned the benefit of a Biden win over Trump for the reason you state. Biden is boring but Trump is abhorrent.

        2. Violetta says:

          Cheer up. If elected, Biden may be politely (or not so politely) elbowed aside by Kamala Harris, as prissy a mid-ranger as you ever loved to hate. Meanwhile, Trump might blow up the White House with himself in it rather than concede.

  8. withinreason says:

    HG… would a mid range narc even wonder if they were a mid range narcissist? Would they even care to wonder or be concerned over it? And if they thought they could be would that put them in distress?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No.

      1. withinreason says:

        Oh good. I was worried for a second. Like what if I were one. That would be very distressing to me.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          If you were one, you would not be distressed by the fact.

          1. Bibi says:

            I too have mulled over this. Before knowing really what a narcissist was, I called the Mid Ranger out as a narcissist. (I thought it meant self-absorbed, selfish and inconsiderate and vain). His response was, ‘I am not a narcissist!’

            All of us are capable of being those things. I have been selfish when I was young, inconsiderate, had my moments of vanity, etc. But do you reflect on it later? I feel badly for how I have behaved during certain times in the past.

            I listened to your Karen YT clip last night and thought, ‘I hope I am not a Karen.’

          2. withinreason says:

            Ok…thank you…I know I’m not a saint but I don’t want to be heartless. I know I could use a little more empathy from time to time and I’m not always as caring as I could or should be…but in the end….I really do care and want to care.

          3. Bibi says:

            I have never asked to ‘speak to someone’s manager.’ But that doesn’t mean that I haven’t been frustrated. As example, I had a young girl bag my groceries a few months ago wherein she placed toilet cleaner in the same bag as my tomatoes and cheese.

            The girl walked away and I rearranged the bags and I sighed to myself, which the cashier heard me. ‘She’s new,’ she said. ‘I understand, but you don’t put cleaning supplies with food.’

            I had a dr’s appt where I had to fill out a million redundant forms.It kept asking me over and over for my contact info, when they made a copy of my driver’s license. I sort of sighed under my breath b/c it was so tedious. But I realize the workers are just doing what they are told. You can’t disparage someone when they’re just following stupid company policy.

      2. Violetta says:

        Maybe I’m okay then. The shrink who put me on hyper meds while ignoring my father’s violence advised my parents to discourage my writing because “it’s Narcissism,” so I figured all my theatrical ambitions fell under that umbrella. I was careful not to chew the scenery when I did get cast, partly because I knew if I did, everyone would hate me and not cast me anymore, and later, when I had more experience, because I could see how the rhythm and energy of a play worked better if we all bounced our reactions off each other, instead of acting in a vacuum.

        I do love to show off, though! OTOH, I like it best when everybody else shows off too. Halloween was practically a religious holiday when I lived in NYC. I marched in the Village parade only once, because I didn’t get to see everyone else’s costumes–just the ones in front of us. I want to see AND be seen. More than once I’ve seen a complete stranger with a costume in the same theme as mine, and I always try to get a picture of us together.

        Never been to New Orleans Mardi Gras, but I’d love to go.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Your desire to show off Violetta is your narcissistic trait of vanity and performers invariably have that in spades, they have to, otherwise they would not be able to perform. However, with you, that trait is held in check through your emotional empathy and your stronger empathic traits.

    2. Another Cat says:

      withinreason

      I think a Midrange narcissist might write a newspaper column titled “Am I A Narcissist?” unconsciously because of getting attention and fuel. That might actually happen. But the entire post would be childish and little blameshifts in every sentence. In every word.

      I could imagine it full of “They are accusing me” and “I donated a great sum to a children’s fund. I did not get any thanks!!!” or “I said Non Serviam to my local Opus Dei cult. So I guess I am a narc.”
      “I asked the local priest why the bible talks about women should serve men. I guess I am a narcissist.”. “I had a very high fever so I didn’t attend at a friend’s birthday party. I guess that was narcissistic of me”

      All in all it would be a very blameshifty speech, describing actions most of us would agree with, phrased to make ppl rush to comment

      “No no! You seem very empathic! A true saviour!”

      Afterwards the narcissist would see themself as actually having pondered whether they are a narc.

      /my last two

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Your comment is accurate, AC.

      2. withinreason says:

        Aww….yes I see…I actually have a friend who sounds like that…I feel bad for her because she truly does have a lot of problems…some out of her control. But she will do that same sort of thing. I do often hear myself thinking…okay I know what you want me to say and sometimes I kinda don’t want to play along and say what she’s wanting in reply but yeah. Like when she says to me…” I am not pretty”…she’s says of herself and of course I know she wants me to say…No no you are pretty. But it’s hard to allow myself to go lay along because it’s so obvious what she’s doing. Then when I won’t say what she’s trying to get me to say then she begins telling me of a story of how when she says that same thing her other friend said…oh no you are pretty! Lol. And usually at that point I can’t back out of reassuring her that yes indeed she is pretty. She always does that when I won’t say what she wants me too about anything and she does it every single time. It’s like a script. Sometimes I rebel lol….not to be mean but because it’s so obvious and I feel silly.

        1. Truthseeker6157 says:

          Hello Within Reason,

          Given that you aren’t entirely sure if this person is a narcissist or simply being narcissistic due to her situation, maybe try directing her own question back at her. “Why don’t you think you are pretty?”
          If you asked me that question, I’d quite merrily list my faults. My faults don’t concern me but in an ideal world I’d probably change the odd thing like most would. We’d likely laugh and console each other etc. I think a narcissist might struggle to actually highlight their physical faults. Might be interesting to see the response.

          Let’s test it. HG, if you could change one aspect of yourself physically, what would it be? (Just imagining the quips from my guy friends now ha ha)

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Two pairs of hands.

          2. Truthseeker6157 says:

            Oooh, well played HG. An element of truth also.

            Think I would go for…… an extra few inches in height. Always wanted to be 5ft 10.

            See what I mean Within Reason?

          3. withinreason says:

            Hi Truthseeker…
            Actually she doesn’t ask me if she is…she just makes a statement that she is not. So that I will say that she is. As far as asking her why she doesn’t think she’s pretty…oh no…there would be a long list she would list…and then I would be feeling horrible for her which I know this because she has many times listed her many things she feels makes her ugly. The sad thing is she is also always highlighting others looks and saying they are ugly and why…unless she likes them and then they are beautiful and she will go on and on to me about how flawless and beautiful they are. I’m not trying to trash her or anything I’m just describing this behavior. Honestly it’s very annoying and makes me nauseated very often when she does it. And that behavior is what makes me not want to reassure her if her beauty when she makes statements like that
            because of how she is about others looks. I just have to bite my tongue and keep my real thoughts to myself. Oh and yeah I don’t know if she’s a narcissist…I was just saying that to the comment about how a mid narc would write an article that “Another Cat”commented to me.

          4. Truthseeker6157 says:

            Within reason,

            I see what you mean now. I think I fall into Narc Angel’s camp here. I’m not great with attention seekers either!

        2. NarcAngel says:

          Maybe squash this person’s negativity by stressing positivity about something else about her?

          “Well you might not be pretty but you sure are needy!”

          No? Just me? Fine.

          1. njfilly says:

            Ha ha!

            That is something I would say. I find people fishing for compliments very annoying.

          2. withinreason says:

            Ha ha….yes oh I have suppressed my tongue so many times!!! But yes that’s funny!!! I’m sure I said that and it would be the end of the world lol she would probably explode into a million pieces.

          3. Alexissmith2016 says:

            HHahaha NJ y. ‘I find people fishing for compliments very annoying’ me too when it’s done by a narc. But I’m sure I’m equally annoying because if I want a compliment I’ll just directly ask for one. But I’ll do it in a way which is kind of funny. Well I find it funny. I bet Karen doesn’t!

          4. njfilly says:

            AS2016:

            Yes, you are very funny! (that was a compliment)

            Yes, you are very annoying. (that was a joke 🙂

            Somebody compliment me. (Is this the way you would ask?)

        3. Another Cat says:

          njfilly wrote

          “I find people fishing for compliments very annoying.”

          I think some of us nonnarcs also do this occasionally. Especially on social media.
          But Midranger narcs sort of build every single sentence on it. And the bags of chips too.

          1. njfilly says:

            Another Cat:

            I agree with your first sentence. I keep my social media usage to a minimum. People mostly looking for compliments, attention, or sympathy.

            As to your second sentence, I like chips.

          2. Another Cat says:

            Njfilly
            Chips are great I second. And the Pity Play french fries. Those are classic.

  9. Sami says:

    Resending. My question was hanging in moderation waiting…

    Hi H.G. As empaths run in my family and we are magnets for narcissists, I’m asking this for my sister who has been diagnosed with cancer. Her “royal” narcissist is not only losing fuel he was getting from her, but she’s now getting all the attention and concern from their friends leaving him fuel depleted. She can already see little changes he’s starting to make to get away more (to find another fuel source I believe). Should she be worried he might be looking for an affair? Does she trust him? No. You helped me to decide to leave mine, but her situation is different and she can’t leave so easily. Thank you!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The attention she receives wounds him. This may lead to him engaging in an affair and/or engaging in further devaluations against your sister. A consultation would prove of considerable assistance.

  10. Fiddleress2 says:

    Thank you, HG, for your response re Macron.
    I still have some learning to do: I had thought of Upper Mid-Range for him. Elite I can see why.

  11. lickemtomorrow says:

    HG, I commented on your Ask HG video, but my comment has not been loaded. That was about 12 hours ago.

    Just wondering if you are still moderating those comments as I also had a question in there for the next “Ask HG”

    1. lickemtomorrow says:

      HG, did you get my question? It still has not appeared.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        No.

        1. lickemtomorrow says:

          Well, I shall resend it then! Thanks for letting me know 🙂

  12. Asp Emp says:

    Hi HG, I wanted to say that I found the video ‘Ask HG : Episode 1’ very enlightening & had one of my questions answered (asked by someone else). I have some more questions and I will place them in the appropriate location. Thank you 🙂

  13. A Victor says:

    Well, this was a fun first, for me, Ask HG. You did answer my question, thank you, but the video you referred me to for the answer came out a day after I had asked the question. A very interesting video that gave a lot of excellent information. In any event, now I know what to expect, understand the excitement, and will look forward to them in the future. Thank you for making this Ask HG Episode 1 video.

  14. Fieke says:

    Hi Truthseeker, Yes you are describing also my evenings, having a Time Machine playlist in Spotify, my glass of red wine ( only one glass, I force myself always, tastes so to good for my health LOL) and the books.

    I just finished gilded and ghosted, and pipelines clean, and almost finished chained. Very informing. I do not think I am codependent. I am very happy single. And can make most of my decisions very well on my own. And I love it when someone helps me, does stuff for me and give it back also. And I leave upon abuse.
    But I do recognise parts of the lacking identity, and it was very informing. I had these electronic. Getting to the paperbacks almost.

    And I do have to keep reading, to deal with my ET. Popping up every now and then, shortly.

    Hope you got your questions in yesterday!

    1. Truthseeker6157 says:

      Hey Fieke,

      I read Ghosted and Gilded recently too. It’s hard hitting but as usual that’s necessary. I liked the Five Central Questions because it really illustrates the differences between schools. Grief, the whole Grief and nothing but the Grief, knocked me sideways a bit. I’m struggling a bit with the loss. Not every day, occasionally, if I dwell too much.

      You read Pipelines, have you read Fuel too? I think people have to read Fuel, it’s so central to HG’s work. Sex and the Narcissist is another central book. It’s a shocking read in many respects but It answers a lot of questions, addresses many misconceptions.

      I’ll get Chained next. I’m not Codependent but I do have a sizeable Codependent element so should really understand it better.

      I have selected my wine. Am looking forward to HG’s YouTube Q&A then am going to finish Elated and Eroded. I’ve only read one non HG book in the last six months,that was Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson. Have to say that did appeal to my sense of humour ! Great book for a little breather. It’s cold and wet outside, I think I’ll spend Friday night in with HG!

      1. HG Tudor says:

        HG mightily approves!

        1. Truthseeker6157 says:

          Ha ha,

          Your fanfare was a stroke of genius by the way. That really tickled me.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            I have a fanfare every time I enter the room. Some days I repeatedly walk in, walk out, walk in, just to make the herald earn his keep.

          2. Truthseeker6157 says:

            Hahaha!

            You would as well!

          3. MB says:

            TS, I giggled at that too. Most apt!

          4. Violetta says:

            Hey, I enjoy having an excuse to curtsey.

            Hey, Wanna-Be Playuh-Narc, pull your damn forelock, you unbred yob!

          5. Truthseeker6157 says:

            Wanna-Be-Playuh-Narc always makes me chuckle too. I need to come up with a name for mine. Something to do with tortured hero would work nicely. Rochester Narc? I’ll think about it.

            MB, it really was!

          6. Violetta says:

            TS:

            Bronte hero’s are usually byronic heroes: tortured by the mad passions in their souls. We’re supposed to give them a pass on their wickedness because they’ve suffered and they have chiseled features.

            There was a guy in my grad office that a classmate referred to as “Pointy-headed Marxist weasel boy.” Any possibility yours could be “Pointy-headed whiny Byron boy”?

          7. Truthseeker6157 says:

            Oh Violetta, thank you, I love it! Ha ha

            My narc shall henceforth be called

            Whiny Byron Boy Narc

            Pointy headed suggests lack of taste on my part and we can’t have that now can we? Not with my pride the way it is.

            This makes me feel horribly good !

      2. Fieke says:

        Hi TS, Cheers on your health than! 🙂 I can imagine the loss, the loss of hopes and dreams and expectations, it is a true mourning process. someone died..

        Yes I purchased the fuel and sex book too ( laughing)..

        I am checking YT every hour in anticipation .. It is already eleven PM here. Will listen tomorrow I think.

        Thinking about all these traits, I kind of like the puzzle to try to do my own detection.

        Like I am a bad listener. ;).. Always distracted by my own thoughts. Except when people are truly interesting, or vulnerable then I am all theirs. Love animals, picking them of the streets, but never invite a stranger in my house, not gullible etc etc. Puzzling..

        And I indeed recognise all my narcs as mid range elites. Never purposely with malign intention, always smart ( less than they think) and a bit cute and fit. But also suspect some to not be narcs but narcissistic. I had definitely one textbook narc, a longer time ago, grandiose, I was IPPS. So this is already very healing.

        But have a lot of more reading to do!

        Enjoy your Friday night!

        1. Truthseeker6157 says:

          Thanks Fieke,

          Hope you did too!

      3. Leigh says:

        Truthseejer, you and I are on the same page. In the past 18 mos, I’ve only read books by Mr. Tudor.

        Fieke,
        May I make a couple of suggestions. I think Sitting Target, Fury & Your Fault are must read books. The 3 interactions with the narcissist is a must read logic bulletin.

        I also think Angel of My Creation and the articles about Mr. Tudor’s former IPPS, Karen, is important to read. If you search “Caretaker” the articles about Karen should come up. After reading those articles you will should buy the bulletin, “The 3 That Got Away.”

        Ladies, enjoy your reading and wine.

        1. Truthseeker6157 says:

          Leigh,

          We sound like a book club don’t we? Ha ha. Just with wine (and the odd G&T) instead of tea and biscuits!

          Agree with your recommendations too. I have a real soft spot for Karen, she fought so damn hard. I haven’t seen ‘Your Fault’ I don’t think. I’ll look it up 🙂

          1. Leigh says:

            TS, I know. I have a soft spot for Karen too.

            Your Fault doesn’t seem to be one of Mr Tudor’s books that gets alot of attention. Yet, I think its a must read. It really was eye opening for me.

            If you decide to read it, I would like to hear your opinion as well.

          2. Truthseeker6157 says:

            Leigh, I’ll definitely get to it! Especially now we are headed into second lockdown next week. 😕

        2. A Victor says:

          Leigh, thank you for these reading/search suggestions. I have been reading voraciously since arriving here and worry that I’m going to run out! Not for a while the way it sounds. I’m so thankful that HG had so many platforms to choose from. Some days are more challenging than others and on those days especially I am so thankful for every email, YouTube option, post on this blog, the people’s comments here etc. It is encouraging to know there is yet more to find and learn from.

          1. Another Cat says:

            A Victor
            I read in a comment that you are staying with your parents now. Sending many hugs. I was in a similar situation for years when my father was ill. I had a phone convo with my mother almost every day, she always bullied me and guilted. I visited when I could. Had I only known that this was because I provided fuel I would have acted differently. At least he got to see grandchildren.
            I can’t even imagine your situation, we are here for vents, AV! <3

          2. A Victor says:

            Another Cat, your comment brought tears to my eyes! Thank you for the hugs. Thank you for the offer to listen to vents also. So many changes and so much (unexpected but important) learning happening all at the same time, it is overwhelming at times. I really appreciate the kind support.

          3. Leigh says:

            A Victor, first let me say, I love your name! A Victor for sure! There are a plethora of articles here. You’ll never run out of things to read, lol! House of Discards and Harpoon of Seduction are two more articles that i think are enlightening to read as well.

          4. A Victor says:

            Leigh, thank you for the compliment. My name was chosen as a “fake it til you make it” thing. I’m still faking it but it’s getting easier, I think, usually…

            And, I will check out your further recommendations, thank you again! I feel like a discard tonight so maybe I’ll start there. After I listen to all of HG’s Halloween specials!

          5. Another Cat says:

            A Victor
            I hope we can make those email notifications keep coming to you because you really need the support. I understand a bit about your days and hope you can get out soon. Preferably while your father is still alive. 🌷

        3. Fieke says:

          Thank you Leigh, making a note about the the titles you are suggesting!

      4. Renarde says:

        TS

        I caught your comment on another thread about being there for me as I do full NC on the twunks. But I cannot find it! Sorry!

        I very much appreciate you saying you are here for me. I did actually get a malign yesterday. I’m now about to put them into NC.

        Like your reading matters!

        1. Truthseeker6157 says:

          Hey,

          I’m glad you found it. I’ll keep an eye for your avatar and check DC. Not surprised at the malign, she won’t go quietly.

          I’m really relieved you decided to go straight to No Contact. It’s the only way to hold on to your sanity. You sound good Renarde, you’re doing the right thing. xx

          1. Renarde says:

            TS

            Glad you caught this because I didnt want you not to think I dodnt appreciate your words.

            X

    2. Leigh says:

      Fieke, I forgot about Manipulated. Thats important to read too.

  15. Caroline-is-fine says:

    Sounds JUST like an UMRer, HG…but you knew that.🙂
    Thank you!

  16. Fieke says:

    Hello HG
    Do you want such a question from readers/listeners only to be placed under the YT video? Or can they be admitted also here or per e-mail. This is the best hoover for me. ( laughing, joking ofcourse)
    Thank you! Best , Fieke

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Under the YT video, thank you.

  17. FYC says:

    HG, This is a fantastic opportunity! A Q&A every Friday?! You spoil us. Thank you.

  18. lickemtomorrow says:

    First I’d like to comment and say you sound somehow softer and more gentle in this video. Maybe I need a logic bomb dropped on me. Second, your hair looks darker in this photo. Have you dyed your hair, HG?

    Thirdly, you seem to be welcoming more general comments for these sessions, saying they are more likely to be answered. I may have interpreted that wrongly, but understand the reason for this is because they are most beneficial to a wider viewing audience. All of us had to be introduced to the topic for a first time and even the basics can be hard to digest. Those of us who have read and listened more widely may have more specific questions. Do we need to differentiate between this and the Q&A’s you have run on the blog where we were in ‘real time’ conversing with you?

    I did send some questions in an email, but perhaps they are not suitable for this particular initiative.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You may ask specific questions but understand if you are wanting to talk about your own specific situation I invariably need more information from you and then have more information to convey to you, hence that is why the consultations exist LET.

      1. lickemtomorrow says:

        Thank you, HG. I will ask away and leave it to your discretion (obviously) which questions might be answered. I guess “did you dye your hair?” is not one of them 😛 It’s definitely darker.

        1. Truthseeker6157 says:

          Haha

          I’m going light hearted on my You Tube questions too LET. It’s weird, when we do the Q&A here on the blog, I’m comfortable asking personal questions related to KHG. For YouTube it feels way more exposed somehow, like it’s not our safe little group. So my questions will be very different. Designed to lighten the mood if needed. If not needed, leave them out!

          1. lickemtomorrow says:

            I feel the same way as you, TS. This has become my ‘home’ in many ways when it comes to beating the narcissist and I do feel very comfortable expressing myself here. And certainly would not feel able to ask HG the same kind of personal questions as we can here in the Q&A’s, especially in relation to KHG. I do not want to ‘expose’ him, which seems weird since HG is all about exposing himself 😛 Somehow I’ve always been that way. Protective. I know HG doesn’t need it.

            YouTube does seem exposed in a different way. Even though it is HGs channel and he has his supporters and detractors there as well. I guess we all go where we are comfortable, and I sense there isn’t much of a crossover with the YouTube folks and the site here either. I honestly don’t know what the explanation for that could be, but it’s like people on YouTube were waiting for HG to return and I’m thinking, but he’s been here all the time! It’s just a little click on your computer and you don’t have to miss him. I don’t get it. If HG moved all his interests to YouTube I’d probably end up there in the same way I ended up here. I certainly wouldn’t wait. I’m not patient enough for that 😛

            I guess we’ve got the best of both worlds for now 🙂

          2. HG Tudor says:

            I am not going anywhere from here, but you are right to point out how many have said “Where have you been?” and I have explained “Nowhere, it was easy enough to find me on other platforms” but I think this demonstrates how people are steadfast in how the digest content – readers v listeners. There are some who do both, but many on YT remain there and do not take their content in another form. I know a number would email me or even comment here or instagram asking when I was coming back to Youtube.

          3. lickemtomorrow says:

            So glad to hear you’re not going anywhere from here and I guess it will remain a mystery as to why some people prefer one platform to another. I must admit, I have a love of the written word, so that could be part of the drawcard for me here. I prefer to read for the most part, but the opportunity to hear you is a gift in itself, HG. Can’t fault either option for getting to know more about the narcissist 🙂 And there’s no doubt you have a loyal following either way <3

          4. Sweetest Perfection says:

            I’m the same way, lickemtomorrow. I prefer reading. However, I also love being read to.

          5. Truthseeker6157 says:

            As far as YouTube goes, I think there is less control as comments aren’t moderated. You could get someone in there posting comments just to be obnoxious. You can elect not to answer and you can do a swift put down, but it does seem riskier as those comments are visible.

            I find that odd that people don’t easily move between Youtube and the blog. I can understand Facebook and Insta. I don’t use either. Don’t need to photograph my lunch. Or Twitter. But Youtube to internet search for Narcsite Is a logical step.

            I wonder if the motivations are different? If you need help genuinely then you will go to where that help is and where the resources are, so, you would move to Narcsite if content stopped arriving on Youtube. If however, you are just wanting to listen for interest, have a rant, or poke the narcissist you won’t make the effort to move in the same way. Could also be lack of awareness, could be different user identities for music versus blogs for example. Maybe people do move, just not visibly. I would expect youtube listeners to search material on amazon also as opposed to the Knowledge Vault. So, more likely to look for books than assistance packages. Age profile likely younger on YouTube too. Instant click mentality. It would be interesting to analyse the data.
            Did I just say that? Data analysis and interesting in the same sentence? No, didn’t think so.

          6. NarcAngel says:

            HG
            I find the difference for the most part to be that followers on YouTube leave brief comments directly related to the subject matter/article and to you. Here we engage with each other, often get off topic, and write novels. A lot of people who prefer audio (books also) like it because they can listen while doing other things (not that they should haha). Not hard to see which might be more attractive to you in terms of time spent moderating.

          7. HG Tudor says:

            Yes, those are valid. There are a number on YT who try to cause spats with others but you are correct that they do not generally interact with one another in a more conversational way.

          8. alexissmith2016 says:

            That’s really interesting re different people having a preference for different platforms.

            I used to watch SVs youtube videos whilst I worked out hahahha Not the typical work out podcast I’m sure. It helped me a little at the time. If nothing else, to distract me from actually thinking of the N in question.

            Then thankfully HG came along and saved me! I’ve never ventured from the blog to other platforms. I have everything I need here and I don’t use SM anyway and nor do I want to.

          9. JB says:

            HG, I’m so glad you have no plans to disappear from here. I love the articles, and much prefer reading to listening (although I have listened to some of your videos too.)

          10. Violetta says:

            I will listen to HG when I’m doing something mindless like hanging up laundry, but not when I’m doing anything that requires focus. I think I have different ways of processing info, so if a topic has both written and recorded versions, I will often review both versions. There are frequently things I’ll pick up that I missed the first time.

            That said, some of our digressions here are hilarious. We could use some of that, especially this year. Heard an ad on the radio that began, “If I saw Godzilla walking down the sidewalk, I’d be like, “Yeah, it’s 2020.”

          11. Fieke says:

            Hi,TS6157
            That is so understandable, being here amongst other people who are mostly empathic and in a safe house.

            On YT, I can only react with my google account (and so real name) it seems, it is a LOT more exposed, and very public, my comments here will not be read by many.. outside you and HG. On You Tube anyone wonders in…

            But I do understand that commenting there is important for HG, as the new channel needs publicity ( for me is important awareness) and commenting on it does have influence on the ranking.

            I am going to find out how to get an alias there also.

            Best wishes to all, evening here, enjoying total silence from my ex 😉 and reading like an addict in HG books.

            HG I am exploding with questions, but I filtered two out that seem crucial me, for understanding CHAINED correctly, I will try to get that Alias working. Probably have to watch a YOUTUBE vid about it first ;)..

          12. Truthseeker6157 says:

            Hey Fieke,

            Sounds perfect to me. Nights drawing in, snuggled up warm on the couch with a good book and a glass of wine. I do love HG’s books. A huge amount of content and lots of food for thought and growth. Silence in this context can be lovely. What are you reading?

            I agree with your comment about YouTube. I will of course be there in support of HG, which reminds me, it’s Thursday night, I had better ask my question!

          13. Liza says:

            for the youtube Vs the blog part, i agree with both NA and Violletta in the sens that youtube makes it possible to listen and do somthing else. when i had to learn about narcissists for the first time, i had a tone of school work, i was exausted and i didn’t want to let myself focus too much on what i feel so 1)the fact that i could listen and play a game in the same time made it feel like relaxation time. 2) the the fact that there was a voice telling me those things prevented me from ruminating and getting lost in my thoughts, i focused on the voice.

          14. Truthseeker6157 says:

            That’s a good point Liza,

            Listening can prevent you getting lost in your own thoughts. When my ET is low and I feel normal, I tend to read the material. But, on a bad day, when I dwell, when I feel like I’m slipping, I prefer the audio packages. I don’t have to think for myself, I listen and do more as I’m told, less questioning. I also find HG soothing and confident in what he relates to us. I find this confidence comforting, again removing my natural tendency to question.

            I do think we get the best of all worlds right here. HG gives us his attention where necessary, we interact with each other to relate and talk out our experiences, we can read the articles for free every single day, we get the inside track on Knowledge Vault offerings and new releases like Dark Cupid and we get the new You Tube material on top. We are a very cohesive group in here I think. All empaths, different but like minded. This place just works.

            I could hug him sometimes. I won’t though, I know the rules. Hyperthermia, mountain, got it!

          15. Bibi says:

            YT is the online equivalent of a truck stop. You’re there to take your crap and go, not build relationships.

          16. Truthseeker6157 says:

            Bibi,

            I love the way you put things. Yes, it is, like that, a truck stop ha ha. How are you doing Bibi? Work was getting you down a while ago, are things any better for you?

          17. Bibi says:

            Hi Truthseeker. Thank you. I am up and down. But I am managing. Really sad on Mondays. Feel better by Fridays. Holidays coming up this month so something to look fwd to.

            I miss what life was like before the pandemic. I miss good conversation. I am trying to keep busy. I miss joking around. (Hence my more serious tone as of late. No fun to be serious all the time.)

            I hope you are doing well. Thank you for asking about me.

          18. Truthseeker6157 says:

            Me too Bibi,

            I often think that people seem to have adapted better than me. Even when shops cafes and pubs are open, it just feels washed out. In many ways, places closing doesnt worry me. Places being open but so different worries me. I’m lucky as I live in a village, I know lots of people, shop and bar owners locally so we still chat as normal. Meeting new people is next to impossible and go into a larger town and it just feels soulless.

            People task now. They don’t interact and they consciously avoid each other, keeping their distance. We are people people, it’s not easy.

            Day two of second lockdown. I’m headed out running again today and it isn’t raining! I weight trained outside my house yesterday. Something for the dog walkers to watch! Me, lunging my way down the road ha ha. Training helps Bibi, do you make time to exercise?

          19. HG Tudor says:

            Good to read that you exercise, very important for people to do this whether it is a 30 minute walk or a 5km run or circuits. Exercise is a key component of moving forward.

          20. Truthseeker6157 says:

            It is so important HG. In the early stages of No Contact it stopped my thoughts from wandering onto the narcissist. It felt like a break from feeling sad. It also reminded me to eat. Some of us are the opposite of comfort eaters, we feel sad, so we simply just don’t remember to eat. Not good.

            Irrespective of recovery from narcissistic entanglement, it helps with mood control, I’m certain of it. It provides a structure, targets to aim at but other things people don’t consider. You exercise, build muscle, so your appetite increases. You tend to fuel rather than eat, so you naturally eat healthier. You then have more energy, feel clearer. You naturally drink more water, so your skin gleams, hair shines, that builds confidence. You are physically instead of just mentally tired so you sleep better, again, feel rested, sharper, clearer.

            The association with exercise for lots of women is to exercise to lose weight. It shouldn’t be sold that way. That’s such a negative approach. It shouldn’t be about that. Losing weight is a side effect of actually just feeling stronger, healthier, mentally clearer, energised and well rested. I wish more women would throw the scales out of the window and just choose a form of exercise they enjoy. As you say, maybe they love walking through muddy fields with the dog. Maybe completing the 5K gives a buzz and sense of achievement, or hitting a boxing bag until you fall over helps after a tough day. Whatever, choose something, anything, just enjoy it !

            People have questioned on another thread how they can lower ET. No Contact, yes, above all else. Actually though, I firmly believe exercise helps too.

          21. NarcAngel says:

            As soon as I discover an exercise that I enjoy I’ll get right on that. So far anything that is considered exercise sucks dick.

            No, that is not exercise. If it was, those duck lipped embarrassments on social media wouldn’t need injections.

          22. Truthseeker6157 says:

            NA

            I can’t help but see you in black boxing gloves. Get a partner to put the pads on his hands and away you go. (You’re supposed to aim at his hands) !

        2. Another Cat says:

          Lickem
          I bet it’s a secret service agent’s job description, to change hair colour every once in a while. 🙂

          1. Violetta says:

            But HG is secretly a crazed cat lady who just shaves the puddy-tats when a new wig is required.

            Marmalade, anyone?

          2. Witch says:

            @violetta
            I reckon a body snatching Alien.. he says narcs ain’t aliens but a body snatching alien would not admit to being one would they?
            Would they?

            Oh btw Violetta I’m dressing up for Halloween this year, I remember telling you I’ve never done it

          3. Another Cat says:

            “just shaves the puddy tats”?

            You saved my weekend, V.

          4. lickemtomorrow says:

            Most definitely! It’s certainly been suggested and I picture HG as a Daniel Craig 007 🙂 He did say he looks like Daniel Craig and that his eyes are like lasers – which Daniel Craig’s are … hmmm. I don’t know how many labels I’ve tried to apply to HG when it comes to his ‘profession’, but he keeps us guessing, that’s for sure.

            When I watch the new Bond movie, I’m going to picture HG 😉

          5. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Hahaha welcome to the club, lickemtomorrow!

          6. lickemtomorrow says:

            Thanks, SP 🙂 I’m sure folks have been going in circles for a while!

            And I see you have put your pumpkin out, so Happy Halloween <3

          7. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Yes, it’s a Violator pumpkin. Happy Halloween! On another (sad) Bond news, Sean Connery just died…

          8. Violetta says:

            Witch:

            What are you going as?

          9. lickemtomorrow says:

            Sad to hear about Sean Connery 🙁 He made a great Bond.

          10. HG Tudor says:

            Indeed, not so great to some of his romantic partners though.

          11. lickemtomorrow says:

            Oh my, HG, was he a narcissist? I’ve got some of your lists on who is and who isn’t, but can’t remember if he was on any of them. Was he a serial cheater? A bully?

            Oh dear, sometimes it feels better to have the wool pulled over your eyes.

            Have you included Daniel Craig on any of your lists?

          12. HG Tudor says:

            No, I have not included him.

          13. Witch says:

            @violetta
            The bride of Chucky, Tiffany.
            One of these years I’m dressing up as HG for Halloween, I’m going to get a tie and a blazer and the v for vendetta mask lol

          14. Empath007 says:

            In regards to the Sean Connery thing… I’m going to have a narcissist moment here and say (preface: this has nothing to do with the comments I’ve seen here) but… I don’t get how when celebrities die people act sad… it’s not computing with me, it’s fake… no one who doesn’t know a celebrity personally is sad about their death. They may recognize it’s a sad thing… but why act sad or be sad over the death of a total stranger … I don’t get it.

            I have a theory that narcissism might be behind it. That people see themselves in these celebrities that “inspired”
            Them… and that’s why their “sad”.

            Maybe that sounds dark. But where else can I express my dark opinions but here ?

          15. lickemtomorrow says:

            OMG! Guilty as charged Empath007 😛

            It’s sad to me because he is an icon and forms part of my memories. Not a huge part, but it’s a piece of life slipping away, though his memory will live on.

            I’m not crying. I’m just melancholic … a little.

            Sadness takes so many forms. And some of them are pretentious.

            Always look out for those narcissists (likely Midrangers as a Lesser probably wouldn’t give a toss and a Greater is giving himself a pat on the back it isn’t him!)

          16. Violetta says:

            Witch:

            Awww….

            If you go as HG, you have to include the Creed Viking. Since Creed is expensive as hell, I suggest using decanting service “The Perfumed Court,” so you can get a tiny sample just for the occasion. I don’t know if they ship wherever you are, but it’s worth a try. I’ve used it when I want to try something and it’s hard to find a local store that carries it. I’m thinking of ordering some Creed Love in Black to see if I like it (it has violets).

          17. JB says:

            Empath007, I think it’s to do with having a reminder of one’s own mortality. Celebrities like these, who have always been around, we have grown up with them in the background, they are part of the furniture of life, so to speak. So when they pass it’s a sudden wake-up call, a reminder that nothing lasts forever, and I think that can do anything from causing people a moment of sadness through to completely shaking them somewhat. Hope that makes sense!

          18. JB says:

            LET, after reading your comment about Daniel Craig, I must confess I had to google him, as I didn’t know what he looked like! Hanging head in shame, ha ha!

          19. Bibi says:

            I once saw in some interview with Connery from the 80s perhaps? where he spoke about how he felt it was alright to hit a woman.

            I dunno…I was never much into him nor of Bond. Connery had a nice manly build–natural and not too over muscled like a somatic but he always struck me as not a nice guy.

            But, I hope has peace in death. HG, when you die I hope you haunt the idle rich as they prop open their Ouija boards. Just fuck with them. You know, flicker some lights and make them think they need to call a priest. I will join you in this frenzy and I will meet you then.

          20. HG Tudor says:

            My haunting of people will go beyond flickering lights.

          21. Witch says:

            @violetta
            The plan is, blazer, shirt and tie, suit pants, smart shoes with navy socks, got to get my hands on a fake Rolex, then I’ll put blue contact lense in one eye, I’ll carry around a fake bloody heart to signify that I’m a heart breaker and I’ll pose like I’m on big tings out here

          22. lickemtomorrow says:

            HG, I’m going to add Daniel Craig to my empath’s list to go under the Tudorscope.

          23. Violetta says:

            lickemtomorrow:

            Connery’s first wife, Diane Cilento (best known in the US for playing the village hussy in Tom Jones) said he did hit her.

          24. Violetta says:

            Witch:

            I went as Lydia Deetz. I was hoping to find a Bettlejuice doll to carry around, so people would know who I was, but no luck.

            Scary thing: I didn’t have to buy anything for this costume. Everything I needed was in my closet.

          25. Witch says:

            @violetta
            You’re me!
            I have black velvet jackets, pointy witchy shoes, I have a really nice black velvet scarf, puffy black dresses. I’m a sad goth.i even have a witchy dress that has “Les Fleurs du mal” written across it.
            I’ve only recently started wearing colour

          26. Violetta says:

            Witch:

            I also have a lot of floofy white Victorian and Edwardian stuff. I blame it on “Picnic at Hanging Rock” and “Pretty Baby.”

      2. JB says:

        Is this photo you then, HG (apart from the mask, obviously!) ? Just listened to the video, it was very interesting, thank you.

        1. Empath007 says:

          You make a valid point above Re: the death reminds people their own clock is ticking. Personally I’ve never been affected by a celebrities death. I think most celebrities are total assholes not worthy of my time haha. Just people making tones of money … doing little to help society with it. So I see no need to honor their existence. Although I do of course enjoy some of their art that is produced and can appreciate raw talent when it presents itself. But worship one ? Never. For what ? They are mere humans like the rest of us. Just with more money and power. And those two things aren’t what impress me about people.
          I’m not judging anyone for having feelings about a strangers death… I think that’s OK. I often drive by car accidents and hope the people involved are OK (so I can understand in that sense) I’ve just never been one to be impressed by money or fame. It does not appeal to me… therefore I can not grieve over the death of a celebrity.

          1. Truthseeker6157 says:

            Empath 007,

            The point you make about driving past a car accident and looking. Lots of people do that that I think. I believe it to be an affirmation of life in those that look.

          2. Empath007 says:

            Hi Truth seeker,

            I’m not sure I understand what you meant… I didn’t mean I stare at the accident, more that I hope everyone involved is OK. Meaning I can understand why others would care about a strangers death… but when it comes to celebrities I am personally ice cold about the situation… because Someone at such a distance is a superficial thing to me. I’ve never experienced a true sadness over a celebrities death.

          3. Truthseeker6157 says:

            Hey Empath007,

            In general, traffic slows, people are directed past the accident site but as they drive past, they look. I have been told that the reason for this is due to an affirmation of life in the minds of the onlookers. Rightly or wrongly, don’t know. Kind of makes sense to me though.
            I don’t slow down to look either funnily enough.
            As for celebrities, not really affected either. I’d be more likely to be affected by a newspaper article about homelessness in London than the death of a celebrity. I’m not big on celebrities though to be fair. Rarely watch tv.

          4. HG Tudor says:

            It´s nosiness, nothing more, nothing less.

          5. Truthseeker6157 says:

            I’m not sure HG. It depends on the nature of the person looking at the accident. I do think people are affected by it. I think they then move to think, ‘I hope the people involved are ok.’ They are glad it’s not them, they realise life is short, that they should make the most of it, live a little, or make sure to read the kids a story tonight etc. I don’t think it is just down to nosiness for everyone.

            Celebrities? Well that’s a phenomenon in itself I think. The Reality TV industry has cashed in on the curiosity about all things celebrity. It is nosiness for the most part, unless that celebrity represents a cause outside of their celebrity, something that resonates, then it’s a different thing.

  19. Leigh says:

    This is fantastic. You really do spoil us. Can we ask our questions here or do we have to ask on YouTube?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      YT as the videos states.

  20. Sami says:

    Hi H.G. As empaths run in my family and we are magnets for narcissists, I’m asking this for my sister who has been diagnosed with cancer. Her “royal” narcissist is not only losing fuel he was getting from her, but she’s now getting all the attention and concern from their friends leaving him fuel depleted. She can already see little changes he’s starting to make to get away more (to find another fuel source I believe). Should she be worried he might be looking for an affair? Does she trust him? No. You helped me to decide to leave mine, but her situation is different and she can’t leave so easily. Thank you!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      He may well seek out an affair as a consequence of the wounding he is experiencing because people are focused on her owing to her cancer diagnosis. She needs to ascertain whether he is a narcissist and if so apply GOSO, whilst this may prove more difficult owing to her ill health, it still remains necessary, indeed even more so, given her ill health and he is not going to help her and she needs to be away from him.

      1. Sami says:

        H.G., Thank you so much. That’s what I feared. I think this is her turning point to decide if she’s going to stay or go. She wants out and this may be the final push for her to GOSO. I already see him seeking out fuel from others. She knows what he is, but it would be interesting to see the results you give if she does a consult from you. Hummm…that could be a good Christmas present for me to give her. Oh, and you are spot on…he will NOT help in anyway, and if asked to do something (when she’s really sick), he may make a feeble attempt at it for show, but she still has to go back and do it. She doesn’t bother to ask anymore.

        1. Violetta says:

          “She doesn’t bother to ask anymore.”–yep, that’s how they bring it about. It’s the the “Good Soldier Švejk” routine: just keep fucking everything up until people say, “Oh, never mind; I’ll do it myself.”

          Prissy in Gone With the Wind uses it. She is oft-misunderstood; even Butterfly McQueen said she hated having to play such a stupid stereotype, but in the novel, Mitchell describes Prissy’s expression as “studiedly stupid” and Scarlett refers to her as “sly.”

          1. Sami says:

            Totally agree with you on the Good Soldier Svejk routine. Exactly what’s he’s doing.

            And so interesting on the GWTW observation! I’ll have to re-watch the movie to spot that. It’s been years.

            That reminds me of a movie I watched and I had to re-watch it after thinking, that personality of this character is what a younger version of my ex was, minus the rages and other things he did. Watch “Shattered Glass”. It’s based on a true story where Stephen Glass was an up and coming young journalist and you’ll see his need for attention and to be the best and also how he reacts when things start unraveling. The lies, manipulations, triangulation, even the victim coming out. It’s a great movie on it’s own even without realizing all that, but you definitely see the narc coming out. Mid-range, cerebral victim narcissist I would think. Maybe HG could shed more light on that?

    2. Bibi says:

      This is sad. Worrying about him having an affair will only cause her more stress and she needs that strength to battle her illness.

      1. Sami says:

        Bibi…I agree! I worry about her stress level and the effects of this whole thing. It’s built up for years and although she didn’t realize until a couple years ago exactly what he was, a narcissist, she now knows the extent of the “why” of it all. I’m saddened for her and many others out there that have spent years with a person that never truly loved them and they had no idea who (or what) they were living with. Sometimes when you find out, it’s years later and you can’t get them back. I was lucky in mine. I knew something was “off” in my relationship and like many others never would have associated it with the term narcissist, since I always viewed a narcissist as just an “arrogant SOB”. But that is so wrong! There are many deep layers and branches to this. It was a shock when I really learned about narcissism (I can thank HG for that) and as he puts it, once you know, you go. So when I went through the process of leaving mine and telling my sister all this, she realized what hers was. Looking back on past relationships, there was one other that I now believe to have been a narcissist. Again for me, I got out as soon as I could, but I didn’t know then what I know now.

  21. Asp Emp says:

    Another masterpiece by the Master 🙂

  22. Lily says:

    This is great, HG! Thank you for doing this!

    My question stems from some discussions on the Trump vs Biden thread. It seems as though your kind wouldn’t prefer a long-term romantic relationship with another of your kind. However, it also seems as there are no such qualms about work collaborations – in fact, forming cliques with another of your kind. Any insights on this phenomenon?

  23. A Victor says:

    Do you believe narcs come onto this site for ideas or do they all just actually do the same things, say the same words etc? Thank you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No. Greaters would not come here, they have no need to. The only narcs which come here are unaware – they think they are victims. They do not know what they are.

      1. A Victor says:

        Yes, I listened to “Why Do Narcissists Operate From the Same Book” yesterday and understood. And regretted taking space/time for this question then. But, I am confused, I thought you would answer the questions all on Fri once they were accumulated. And, now, do you prefer them to be asked under the YT option? Being so new to this whole thing, I feel like any questions I have might be “silly” but some of the questions from the veterans I am not ready for, they don’t fit yet for me. I am doing as much digging around as I can, as quickly as I can in order to change this but my mind can only get around so much at once.

        1. A Victor says:

          Please disregard my previous comment, having just listened to the video again, you do say on YT but my confusion came when you then said, “accordingly, in the comment section to this video…”, I took it to mean here, having missed the “on YT” piece. Sorry, I am explaining this as it seems others may be confused as well.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Not a problem.

        2. HG Tudor says:

          The questions should be listen under the “Ask HG” video on YouTube, I will go scroll through them on Friday, answering as I go, so it is best if all of the questions are in once place.

          1. A Victor says:

            Thank you

          2. Fieke says:

            That makes sense ! I hope also it will help the ratings/ ranking, I want everyone to know about this.

          3. HG Tudor says:

            Thank you.

      2. Caroline-is-fine says:

        Hi, HG…would you say the same of UMRs — that they would not be ones to peruse this site?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          They might do so but they would likely be dismissive of it owing to envy, but not realising that to be the case.

      3. Bibi says:

        Loved your answers. I burst out laughing when you said, Uh, who is that? Bahahahaha. Funny to hear you cringing over ‘narcissistic supply’ (ahem fuel) or when you thrust the word ‘appliance’ in exchange for ‘supply’. It shows your humanness more than you might realize.

        I too cringe at those terms. I have a lot of new HG content to listen to, so I am thankful for that.

      4. withinreason says:

        That’s pretty
        Profound. So scary too…makes a person wonder if possible they are a narcissist and don’t know it…but rather think they are a victim.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Mid Range Narcissists think they are empathic victims. They are prevalent on YouTube and Facebook. They are easy for me to spot.

          1. A Victor says:

            But they don’t wonder if they’re a narcissist correct? Normal people or empaths would wonder, a narcissist won’t, from what I’ve been learning…

          2. Witch says:

            I wish you could expose them but you know they will start a lawsuit lol

          3. HG Tudor says:

            Possibly, but I prefer not to give them the fuel. Instead I equip my readers and they become adept at spotting these individuals themselves. I have a raft of information about a small group of narcissists who are obsessed with me.

          4. A Victor says:

            Ok, it is super cool about your “raft of information” about them, not sure why. I hope to be able to identify them soon!

          5. withinreason says:

            Well how is one to know if they are a narcissist? I thought narcissist do not posses abilities to introspect. Would personal introspection be a good sign to someone worried if they themselves could be a narc?

          6. HG Tudor says:

            If you ask yourself, am I a narcissist, it invariably means you are not.

          7. withinreason says:

            Would a mid ranger be in fear that they could possibly be a narcissist? Like be distraught or worry over it?

          8. HG Tudor says:

            They might dole out a Pity Play based on that, but they would never seriously entertain that they are one.

          9. Witch says:

            Inbox me the details HG I won’t tell anyone pinky promise.
            Pinky promises are more legit than a contract in my reality

          10. Violetta says:

            Some of the ones who keep showing up here are funny the first time or two, but eventually they become boring. Same old rants every time. Since HG weeds out some of their posts, I can only imagine the ones we don’t see!

          11. HG Tudor says:

            Indeed Violetta, they crop up in the comments here, on YouTube comments and usually through email. They are screenshot and moved to the relevant folders. They are repetitive and demonstrate the dynamic of repeated hoovering. They remain ignored.

  24. Liane says:

    Hi HG, Not too long ago you provided lists of many famous people and stated whether they were narcissists or not. I found these extremely interesting and I was shocked by some of your findings. I would be very interested to know how you can make that judgment when you don’t know these people personally. Information from the internet or just hearsay may be unreliable. Can you tell by just looking at them, watching their body language for example?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      How do you know I do not know some of them personally?

      I utilise a wide range of sources for my information and no, not just information from the internet.

      1. Liane says:

        Of course you may know some of these people personally, but there were a few historical figures on your list who have been dead for centuries, therefore I assumed you can tell even if you don’t actually know these people. And I was just curious as to how you come to your conclusions and wanted to know if you can spot a narc by just looking at them, maybe seeing the reptilian smile that you sometimes mention, or a certain look in their eyes (their dead eyes) or their body language. Do those things play a part when making your determinations?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Yes. The historical ones have been extensively researched. I can spot a narcissist in person reasonably quickly by observing behaviour and listening, the factors you describe Liane, are relevant.

          1. withinreason says:

            But…isn’t it possible to have narcissistic traits and not be a full blown narcissist. If that’s the case then observing would take more time right? I mean you know people and myself even that have some narcissist traits but also have empathy abilities and a conscience. How would you separate people with just traits and the full blown narcs? From observing them that is.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Yes. Non-narcissists are a bundle of empathic and narcissistic traits in differing numbers and strengths.

      2. Another Cat says:

        I find it important, Liane,

        that HG also uses those sources which the reader can read and check, finding relevant articles, letters, interview clips and books through the links. So we can evaluate his arguments and statements.

        The long source-lists at the bottom of the Very-articles make the articles more scientific.

  25. Eternity says:

    Thank Tudor it’s Friday is finally back!😁

    1. Truthseeker6157 says:

      Whoop! This is going to be fun! All hail The Ultra!!

      1. Eternity says:

        Let’s hear it for HG!!

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