You Cannot Control That Which Must Not Be Controlled
November 20, 2020/ Last updated : November 20, 2020HG TudorControl
You Cannot Control That Which Must Not Be Controlled
You feel like you are trying to deal with an opponent that always seems to be one step ahead. It is like trying to tie down a vapour or stop the tide from advancing and engulfing your sand castle or catching an elusive will ‘o the wisp. No matter what you do, we always seem to have a way of squirming free, walking away and carrying on as normal. It is like trying to fight a battle with a rusty and nicked sword and one hand tied behind your back. It is akin to those dreams where you try to run but find you cannot move. You try to scream but no sound come from your throat. Every move you make appears to have been anticipated. You play a full house in poker and I produce a royal flush but where did that extra king appear from? I always have something up my sleeve. You are chasing the end of the rainbow but it always keeps shifting, just a little bit further away. You are getting nearer, closing on your goal and then it moves again. You think you have mastered the rules and then we introduce a new one which suits our purposes.
Last week we complimented the steak pie that you made. Our praise was effusive and it was a delightful hiatus in the otherwise unpleasant treatment you had been receiving. You decide to play this winning hand again and proudly place it in the centre of the table only to be met with a sigh and a roll of the eyes.
“What’s the matter? You loved the steak pie I made last week.”
“I don’t want to eat steak pie.”
“Why what’s wrong?”
“Why must there always be something wrong. I do not want steak pie.”
“But you did last week?”
“That was then and this is now.”
Cue scathing put downs and storming from the table leaving you bewildered and upset. You don’t make steak pie again only to be scolded the following week.
“What’s happened to the steak pie? Why have you stopped making it when you know that it is my favourite?”
You dress up to the nines and you are called slutty. You dress down and you are upbraided for not putting the effort in. You try to cuddle us in the night and an elbow is jabbed into your chest because you are making us too hot. Two hours later we wake you up and ask you why you stopped hugging us. We tell you that we will be in by seven and then appear at nine. You are forbidden from questioning us about this. You are not entitled to do so. We do as we please. You buy an expensive gift for our birthday and you are told that it is not as good as last year. The following year you really push the boat out to be told you have spent too much and we just wanted something simple. You re-decorate and select a rich chocolate brown. We declare it to be the wrong shade and point to a colour that looks no different. We will not let the matter rest until you have changed it. Once applied it appears the same. We declare we want to go out for dinner and you get ready only for us to decide we would rather stay in and watch sport.
Whatever you do it is always wrong, never correct, not good enough and an erroneous choice. No matter how many times you ask what we want, you still make the wrong choice. You suggest that we do it ourselves and you are accused of not caring. You confirm you will deal with it and you are a control freak who will not allow us to breathe on our own. Whatever you decide to do or say we will find a way of twisting it around so it suits us. Our logic seems entirely warped to you but to us it makes perfect sense because the only logic we adhere is that which means whatever we say is right, even when we show rank hypocrisy or we contradict ourselves. We can reason away every contradiction you point out to us and if you somehow back us into a corner then we will just accuse you of badgering us, change the subject or walk away. In our minds we win every single time.
We cast you aside telling you that you have let yourself go and we cannot be with you. You see us the next week and we are with someone less attractive than you, carrying more weight and who holds down a job less prestigious that yours. You cannot comprehend why we let you go and chose her instead, especially after what we said. You stare open-mouthed and scratch your head. To us we win again because we have acquired someone new whose fuel is better than anything you have ever provided and in addition we have got to you, so you pour out the negative fuel. If we had suddenly appeared with a supermodel instead you might talk a small degree of comfort in thinking that you could not compete with this person but do not let that think you have secured some kind of small victory. In our minds this just reaffirms that we were right to leave you and trade up.
You catch us in bed with someone else. It is not our fault. If you loved us properly we would not have to stray. You show us complete love and devotion and nobody could ever accuse you of selling us short in the bedroom. We accuse you of having too high a sex drive because you must be getting it elsewhere. If you apply reason and logic, especially towards one of our lesser brethren, then they will ignore the force of your words and instead accuse you of trying to belittle and bamboozle them with long words plucked from the dictionary and why do you always have to patronise them with such words and sentences. Whatever you choose, whatever you decide, whatever you do it will always be wrong and whatever we do will always be right. Accuse us as much as you like for being twisted, illogical and difficult and we will be in your face pointing out how you always have to try and get one over us. Black becomes white and then becomes yellow. Nothing makes sense with us but that is because it makes complete sense to us. Our approach is to gather fuel and that means we can and must do so through any means even if that does not stack up when looked at from your point of view. This warped and stretched approach allows us to achieve our aims, we confuse and bewilder you, we upset and anger you, we control you and each and every time we know that we have succeeded. Like the most deluded Minister of Propaganda we claim to have defeated you even as your tanks roll past us in the background. We see only what we want to see and we are impervious to all of your reason. We will never accept what you tell us because that does not accord with what we set out to achieve and what we must achieve. Of course this will not stop you trying. You try to defeat us as we replace your arrows with celery sticks and your sword with a stale baguette. We never fight fair. Your frustration, annoyance and inability to comprehend why we do this is what keeps you bound to us and allows us to keep on doing what we must keep on doing. Exerting control and extracting fuel.
You cannot control the uncontrollable.
Until you understand this and apply this understanding, you will forever be run ragged and misled by your emotional thinking posing as logic, but it is flawed logic.
We are designed to reject control. You try (unwittingly) to control us.
Therein lies the problem.
Stop trying to control us because you will never succeed.
Do not accept what I tell you time and time again? Go ahead, build that tower, build it high with the stones that adhere to your beliefs and principles, from stone that is beautifully cut and polished, that anybody would admire and cherish, but let us see how you build that tower with the sands beneath it which constantly shift and alter.
Watch that supposed no contact regime come crashing down because it is built on a terrible foundation.
To understand about what you can control and what you cannot to assist your no contact regime, utilise this Logic Bulletin Who Can You Control To Beat The Narcissist?
To understand how the narcissist must control you utilise The 3 Assertions of Control
Reading this article I thought the steak pie would’ve been in his lap. This kind of behavior is childish and would not be tolerated long. But, other behaviors were tolerated long. I suppose it depends on the empath/narcissist combo in question, they will figure out what works in each situation.
I think you make a good point here, AV, about the combination of empath/narcissist and how that plays out. We know the narcissist targets their victim and has probably done some testing prior to the entanglement, as well as observation. They will have tested those waters to see what they can get away with and as HG mentions elsewhere can also switch manipulations if one particular kind isn’t working. We are probably already experiencing some dissonance and it’s amazing what they can actually get away with in the end. I’d feel a little like you on the steak pie if my empathic traits were dialed down. If I was feeling particularly vulnerable due to the narcissist’s manipulations, there would likely be a deep sense of shame at my ‘faux pas’ and I would try to make it up to him. And those things would go back to the type of empath I am.
LET, yes, I agree with your comment. Especially with regard to the feeling badly about the faux pas and trying to make it up to him. I have been experiencing a lot of the the last week or so, just open mouth insert for moments with the tremendous guilt afterward. And not even toward a narcissist, just in general. The ET has been high and I think affects what comes out in addition to how I’m feeling about it afterward. Working on getting the ET under control.
Also, you hit it in the head that we allow more as the dynamic progresses. So the steak pie happening at a different time would likely get a different response.
Hi AV, I just want to say that I hear you about the ET, but you have only lost your father very recently and no doubt you are grieving. I wouldn’t describe that process as emotional thinking and I hope you will give yourself some leeway. It is a very emotional time and others need to be understanding, which I hope they will. You have enough resting on your shoulders right now without adding guilt into the mix. It’s very easy to drop your guard in the circumstances, if that’s what you mean by ‘foot in mouth’. I imagine all those emotions are very close to the surface. If I am wrong in my understanding I hope you don’t mind me expressing those thoughts. I just would not want you to be too hard on yourself <3
And it could be that's why you'd be less tolerant of the steak pie right now, too. If I was in your shoes, I'd likely give it to him straight in the kisser!
Look after yourself and without any doubt this is a good place to vent xox
Thank you LET, I’ve never lost anyone close before so not really sure how it works. And I keep thinking, it was “just” my dad, not like a spouse or a child, and he was really already gone for a long time, so I should be getting over it by now. It is generally getting better, just not every moment.
I guess I thought ET was really any kind of emotions controlling my thinking, like making me cry again because of some trigger that comes by. If it is separate from grieving, then I will try to see it as so. Everyone here has been sweet, as far as I can tell anyway. Your understanding of what’s going on is very good, thank you.
Well said LET. There is a difference between ET over a narcissist and bereavement over the loss of someone. The ’emotions’ would be working in different ways – the LT would also be different. Because there is a difference in the ‘relationship’ type.Since I have experienced both these types of ’emotions’ and ‘cognitives’ myself.
My father died a long time ago, AV, and was virtually estranged from our family at the time. He had divorced my mother, remarried, and moved away. I was the only one who kept in touch with him. Regardless of that, true to form, my mother attended his funeral along with my sister. My brother never spoke to him again after he left my mother and before he died. You can sense the dividing lines already there. Anyway, my dad used to keep birds. He had an aviary where he bred them. My mother also had a bird at her house. In the weeks following his death nobody ever spoke of him again in our family. It was hard to process the grief when it was considered to be more or less over and done with as far as they were concerned. Probably a month or so later, I went to my mother’s house and saw that the bird was missing. She told me it had died. A huge wave of grief suddenly overwhelmed me. Somehow the bird’s death and my father’s death came together, and I finally had some release. I had kept all that emotion locked up inside without even realizing. Believing the narcissist’s way was my way. But that wasn’t the case.
It can be very hard to take in a loss initially, especially after a long fought battle and the expectation that the person will die. I know you went home to help your mother in her caring role. My father died of cancer, but the actual event of his death was still a shock to me. Grieving is a day by day thing and most people find there will be good days and bad days. Maybe one way to differentiate would be only tying ET to your relationship with the narcissist. By that I mean it is only when you are thinking of the narcissist that you might need to be concerned about your ET. Otherwise emotions are normal and need to be expressed in the face of loss xox
Hello AV, I just wanted to say – time your time & work through your bereavement and no doubt it will not be an easy process with your dealing with your education about narcissism at the same time. Do what you think / feel is best for you at the time you think / feel. Better to let your feelings out – even if it means using steak pies as ‘grenades’. It is unfortunate and I wish I could do more to help you through this. It will take quite some time but you will come out a stronger person than you were a few weeks ago. If you can, get some time to yourself. Hang in there x
Asp Emp, and LET, thank you for explaining that the bereavement emotions are different from the ET. That is really good to know, really helpful. I will try to wait it out. It is so frustrating, I feel like my head is in a fog that I can’t clear. It is so unusual, not liking it at all. Using steak pies as grenades made me laugh. Yes, learning all this at the same time, especially in relation to my mother, has been interesting. Thank you both so much for your kindness. I hope you both have a wonderful Sunday.
I would not mind being there in those woods at this moment….
I re-read my comments and also Truthseeker’s in response when I last saw this article on 23 August 2020. (sniggering at the memory of the “heyoka” that I happened to mention in this ‘conversation’). There is strength & logic in Truthseeker’s words.
Thank you, HG for ‘recycling’ this article, much appreciated.
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Reading this article I thought the steak pie would’ve been in his lap. This kind of behavior is childish and would not be tolerated long. But, other behaviors were tolerated long. I suppose it depends on the empath/narcissist combo in question, they will figure out what works in each situation.
I think you make a good point here, AV, about the combination of empath/narcissist and how that plays out. We know the narcissist targets their victim and has probably done some testing prior to the entanglement, as well as observation. They will have tested those waters to see what they can get away with and as HG mentions elsewhere can also switch manipulations if one particular kind isn’t working. We are probably already experiencing some dissonance and it’s amazing what they can actually get away with in the end. I’d feel a little like you on the steak pie if my empathic traits were dialed down. If I was feeling particularly vulnerable due to the narcissist’s manipulations, there would likely be a deep sense of shame at my ‘faux pas’ and I would try to make it up to him. And those things would go back to the type of empath I am.
LET, yes, I agree with your comment. Especially with regard to the feeling badly about the faux pas and trying to make it up to him. I have been experiencing a lot of the the last week or so, just open mouth insert for moments with the tremendous guilt afterward. And not even toward a narcissist, just in general. The ET has been high and I think affects what comes out in addition to how I’m feeling about it afterward. Working on getting the ET under control.
Also, you hit it in the head that we allow more as the dynamic progresses. So the steak pie happening at a different time would likely get a different response.
Foot*. Insert foot moments.
Hi AV, I just want to say that I hear you about the ET, but you have only lost your father very recently and no doubt you are grieving. I wouldn’t describe that process as emotional thinking and I hope you will give yourself some leeway. It is a very emotional time and others need to be understanding, which I hope they will. You have enough resting on your shoulders right now without adding guilt into the mix. It’s very easy to drop your guard in the circumstances, if that’s what you mean by ‘foot in mouth’. I imagine all those emotions are very close to the surface. If I am wrong in my understanding I hope you don’t mind me expressing those thoughts. I just would not want you to be too hard on yourself <3
And it could be that's why you'd be less tolerant of the steak pie right now, too. If I was in your shoes, I'd likely give it to him straight in the kisser!
Look after yourself and without any doubt this is a good place to vent xox
Thank you LET, I’ve never lost anyone close before so not really sure how it works. And I keep thinking, it was “just” my dad, not like a spouse or a child, and he was really already gone for a long time, so I should be getting over it by now. It is generally getting better, just not every moment.
I guess I thought ET was really any kind of emotions controlling my thinking, like making me cry again because of some trigger that comes by. If it is separate from grieving, then I will try to see it as so. Everyone here has been sweet, as far as I can tell anyway. Your understanding of what’s going on is very good, thank you.
Well said LET. There is a difference between ET over a narcissist and bereavement over the loss of someone. The ’emotions’ would be working in different ways – the LT would also be different. Because there is a difference in the ‘relationship’ type.Since I have experienced both these types of ’emotions’ and ‘cognitives’ myself.
My father died a long time ago, AV, and was virtually estranged from our family at the time. He had divorced my mother, remarried, and moved away. I was the only one who kept in touch with him. Regardless of that, true to form, my mother attended his funeral along with my sister. My brother never spoke to him again after he left my mother and before he died. You can sense the dividing lines already there. Anyway, my dad used to keep birds. He had an aviary where he bred them. My mother also had a bird at her house. In the weeks following his death nobody ever spoke of him again in our family. It was hard to process the grief when it was considered to be more or less over and done with as far as they were concerned. Probably a month or so later, I went to my mother’s house and saw that the bird was missing. She told me it had died. A huge wave of grief suddenly overwhelmed me. Somehow the bird’s death and my father’s death came together, and I finally had some release. I had kept all that emotion locked up inside without even realizing. Believing the narcissist’s way was my way. But that wasn’t the case.
It can be very hard to take in a loss initially, especially after a long fought battle and the expectation that the person will die. I know you went home to help your mother in her caring role. My father died of cancer, but the actual event of his death was still a shock to me. Grieving is a day by day thing and most people find there will be good days and bad days. Maybe one way to differentiate would be only tying ET to your relationship with the narcissist. By that I mean it is only when you are thinking of the narcissist that you might need to be concerned about your ET. Otherwise emotions are normal and need to be expressed in the face of loss xox
Hello AV, I just wanted to say – time your time & work through your bereavement and no doubt it will not be an easy process with your dealing with your education about narcissism at the same time. Do what you think / feel is best for you at the time you think / feel. Better to let your feelings out – even if it means using steak pies as ‘grenades’. It is unfortunate and I wish I could do more to help you through this. It will take quite some time but you will come out a stronger person than you were a few weeks ago. If you can, get some time to yourself. Hang in there x
Asp Emp, and LET, thank you for explaining that the bereavement emotions are different from the ET. That is really good to know, really helpful. I will try to wait it out. It is so frustrating, I feel like my head is in a fog that I can’t clear. It is so unusual, not liking it at all. Using steak pies as grenades made me laugh. Yes, learning all this at the same time, especially in relation to my mother, has been interesting. Thank you both so much for your kindness. I hope you both have a wonderful Sunday.
You are welcome AV. As steak is not cheap, use pigeons instead 😉 Take care AV x
Haha, AspEmp, that made me laugh 😛
Steak is expensive everywhere!
HG, brilliant article. You are a modern day Wordsworth. Thank you. 💗
Thank you.
I would not mind being there in those woods at this moment….
I re-read my comments and also Truthseeker’s in response when I last saw this article on 23 August 2020. (sniggering at the memory of the “heyoka” that I happened to mention in this ‘conversation’). There is strength & logic in Truthseeker’s words.
Thank you, HG for ‘recycling’ this article, much appreciated.
You are welcome.