Utter Disgust

 

UTTER-DISGUST

You disgust me. How did I ever choose to be with you? How did I not see what you really are? You conned me. There can be no other explanation for what has happened. You drew me in and promised me so much. You offered all that I needed and now you have revealed your true colours. Another chameleon. I would have thought that I would have become more adept at identifying you by now but I suspect that you came with leaden tongue which was draped in sugar as you sought to lure me into your despairing world. I cannot believe that you behaved in such a way and after everything that I have done for you. This is the method of your thanks is it? You are a disgusting person to behave in this way. Building up my hopes, thinking that after so long searching and hunting that I have finally located the one that would always give me what I need. The sole supply of my strength, the bearer of joy, the provider of sustenance and yet you promised all this and when it came to the moment of reckoning you failed to deliver. I should not berate myself for once again I have been fooled by someone who came with obscuring smoke and confusing mirrors. I am but a simple and straightforward person who offers only dedication and a perfect love. You knew this yet you lured me in with your false promises and empty words.

How did you think I would react to such perfidy? With a smile and a “oh it does not matter”? Of course not. You failed me and in the most offensive way possible. You have insulted me, me of all people. You have caused grave offence through your disgusting conduct and that was why you had to be punished. It is not good pleading for clemency. You held a position of trust and you abused that trust in a foul manner. You were given complete and utter access to my inner being and you achieved this through manipulation and fraud. Your punishment accordingly must match this heinous crime. Look at you, snivelling and begging, the crocodile tears spilling down your face as you plead for leniency and another chance. How many chances must I give you? You have failed me so many times and you have taken advantage of my most generous nature. You disgust me. So weak and so pathetic. You thought you could break me but you could not. You thought that you could outwit and outflank me. Not a chance. You thought you could do as you pleased but I have found you out and for that you shall receive your comeuppance. Get up and have some dignity. By heaven, I cannot stand it when you behave like this. Your weakness offends me. I can smell the putrid stench of your pathetic vulnerability now that I have pierced that fraudster’s veil. The offensive odour is all pervasive and I want to vomit such is the disgusting sensation that arises from it. Get out of my sight, you turn my stomach. How did I ever think that you would be the solution? I must have taken leave of my senses but then in a way I did. You made me believe in something that was not real. You duped me. Me, me of all people, someone of my brilliance and intellect, taken in by the sleight of hand of a trickster. I cannot stand this association with something so vile as you. I despise you but I also despise myself for having ever chosen you. You promised me everything and I fell for it. I thought I knew better. I thought I had it all worked out, the path forward and the road to infinite excellence but you were waiting around the bend again weren’t you, you despicable bastard. You ambushed me and just as I thought everything was right, correct and well, you sought to topple me with your clandestine behaviours. Your deceit runs through you like a disease and you are riddled with it. Do you see how it causes your features to twist in some sick parody of what you are? The vitriol and the malice age you. It is bound to be the case for nobody can sustain such sick sin for too long. I suppose that is why you try and conceal it isn’t it? Your leering sick grin cannot be looked upon for it will reveal all your other warped features, the grimacing evil that stems from being such a disgusting creature as you are. I cannot stand to look upon you, I cannot bear to hear your screeching and pitiful voice which makes me shudder when I think how often I desired to hear it. Oh what a fool I have been to have been taken in by your promises. You have misled me over and over again. How could you behave in such a manner? Are you not disgusted with yourself? You ought to be. I can feel the bile rising in my throat as I contemplate what you have done to me and now as I see you for what you truly are. Leave! Be gone! I have no desire to have you in my eye any longer. My disgust overwhelms me and I must escape your presence. I said for you to go. Why do you remain staring at me and mocking me with those hooded eyes? Is there no end to your torturous ways? Stop looking at me. Stop it, I demand it. Perhaps if I shut my eyes and yes, you have gone. Ha, I am not finished yet. I have dispelled you but even as I keep my eyes shut tight I know that when I open them again you will have returned because I can never escape you can I?

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15 thoughts on “Utter Disgust

  1. leelasfuelstinks says:

    “You disgust me, you fucking little bastard. Get off my sight, you freak”, I remember that! Very well. This always came before the Silent Treatment the Incredible Sulk from Patri Narc. I was a child. I had no idea what I have done wrong. I was crying in pain, the whole family was shocked and in fear, while Patri Narc was slurping up the negative fuel.

    1. A Victor says:

      Oh Leela, my heart is breaking for little girl Leela. So glad you made it here.

      1. leelasfuelstinks says:

        Thank you very much, AV. You see, we both got a lot of work to do 😉 But you know what? I do not cry anymore, I understand. And I understand my own behavior as adult, as ACON, now more and more. Patri Narc is seriously ill. That´s a fact. Nobody and nothing can change that fact. But we can be glad that we don´t have it.

        But parts of our brains are damaged, I saw brain scans (PET) of ACONs and of narcs and psychopaths. We suffered brain damage too, I´m not mentally healthy myself, but compared to NPD, it´s just a little boo boo. 😀 I do well with medication and lifestyle management.

        Interesting was to see, that the same parst of the brain are damaged as in narcs. We carry a different damage, but in the same parts of the brain. We cannot repair the structural damages but we can improve. 🙂 I´m just trying to figure out, how. 🙂

        1. A Victor says:

          You are correct, both of us have much to do. It feels overwhelming at times, like I take 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. But, on a general trend, it is likely uphill. It’s difficult when there’s no solid way to track our progress, or lack thereof.

          They are ill, we are as well. I am thankful, like you are, to have my illness, not theirs. I did not know about the brain damage, that is very interesting. My children have helped with various aspects of my healing, prior to even knowing I needed healing. Aside from them, we learn here, support each other on the blog and…?? Lifestyle management is huge, imo. You are on to a good thing there.

          1. leelasfuelstinks says:

            I don´t think we can heal completely. I´m just figuring out, what is possible and what can´t be fixed. Would like to make the best out of it. We cannot change our parents, we cannot change our past but we can rise up and get stronger. With the help of H.G., I became very self-aware! That´s a huge and important step. I keep working on the self-awareness, why I behave the way I do, why my self-defense sometimes misfires, why the love bombs hit me like a truck. Narcs see our damages, wounds and scars and use them as hole to worm their way in. To fire those love bombs which perfectly hit our wounds. We must at least grow scars over exactly those wounds.

          2. A Victor says:

            Leela, your comment resonates so much with me. Regarding the self-awareness, I didn’t even know what a sense of self was! So yesterday “The Narcissists Desiderada(sp?)” caused me to look up ‘soul’. Guess what it is? Our personality including our mind, will and emotions. Our personality, that’s who we are, our self, where we get our sense of self! This was very exciting to me! They damaged my mind, bent my will to within a hair of it’s life and stole, manipulated and shut down my emotions. This is what I have felt I didn’t have sense of self for most of my life, I was not allowed to as a child and of course chose a spouse who liked me that way. Very easy to control such a person. I am so grateful that tucked into the mess of who I am, there was a little dose of spitfire, it may have helped protect and ultimately save me. Yes, narc’s do a lot of damage but I am excited to be on a better path, learning self-awareness and so on, as you said. It is a good place to be.

          3. leelasfuelstinks says:

            Same here, sister! No sense of self, only how I look, my educational status and then job status mattered. I look pretty, so I am somebody. I am successful, so I am somebody. This went on until about the age of 30-35. Don´t remember exactly when I started to develop some sense of self, but I´m not completely ready yet.

            It´s more than looks, status, education and success. Still working on all the other factors, what else? Difficult. Phew.

    2. Bubbles 🍾 says:

      Dearest Leela,
      Your father disgusts me !
      No child should ever be spoken to like that, you didn’t deserve that lovely Leela, he had the problem, not you, no one should live in fear !
      What a horrible nasty vile man !
      I’m so sorry you had to endure that, my heart feels your pain 💔
      💕
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      1. leelasfuelstinks says:

        Aw, so cute! Thank you very much, Bubbles! Well, my own father is an Upper Mid Range Somatic. What can I do? I often try to see the positive sides, that made me what I am. All I can do is work on the damage, try to close the wounds.

        1. Bubbles 🍾 says:

          Dearest leelasfuelstinks,
          Luckily wounds heal precious one, however the scars will always remain………as a reminder…….but we can use that in a positive way!
          I remember once (when I was young, I actually cut my boyfriends initials into my arm, I guess I was wishing for something permanent in my life …….but alas, he cheated on me ! The scar wasn’t deep enough to leave a mark thank goodness, never did that again ! Parental damage is so insidious, its the one area, becoming a parent, you don’t need an application form, training or a renewable licence
          Remarkable isn’t it ?
          Support is huge Leela, I’m relieved you are here
          A work in progress is a good thing, we think you’re pretty good regardless, just keep loving yourself bit by bit and more n more each and everyday, you’ve got this 😉
          Hugs to you lovely lady 💕
          Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          1. leelasfuelstinks says:

            Thanks a lot for your kindness and support, dear Bubbles. 🙂 <3

          2. Bubbles xx 😘 says:

            Dearest Leela,
            You’re most welcome precious one, you are worth it and some
            I’m sorry to hear your dad is so seriously ill…….it can’t be easy for you right now!
            Just take care of yourself lovely, we are all thinking of you!
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  2. December Infinity says:

    This is quite the speech. such a thing would never be uttered or even thought of by a lesser. Many of those sentences were in my mind from time to time and were things that I would have liked to have doled out to at least one or two of the narcissists from the past, from my perspective. The disgust.

  3. A Victor says:

    Sometimes I feel this way about myself. This has actually been one of those days. I’m not sure what triggers it, just a sense of failure and like I’m getting on people’s nerves. Usually the next day is better. Wish I could figure out why it happens so to make it not happen.

  4. Duchessbea says:

    HG, I don’t mean to state the obvious here, but surely some of your friends, particularly of the female persuasion must have seen through you by now? I mean, there is a problem with every woman you date and yet the only common denominator is you. Either your female friends are getting some great residual benefits from you or you truly are a very smooth operator when it comes to playing (or should that be preyin) upon the opposite sex?
    You are an enigma HG. Albeit, an intriguing enigma. On the one hand you would be fun to date and on the other hand, I would be on high alert, with all internal alarms ringing at full volume and I’d be looking to make a swift exit.
    I bet you could charm the birds from the trees.
    Excellent article HG. Thank you.

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