A Lack of Support

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We don’t provide support. We are too concerned with ourselves and our daily hunt for the fuel that we need to be concerned about you. We are engrossed in our own world and have no interest in yours. The only time we pay attention to you is when you are providing us with fuel or you stop providing us with fuel. Everything we do is focussed around us. This is because we have to obtain fuel, as without we will disintegrate. The hunger for this fuel is never ending and accordingly all of our energy must be applied towards obtaining it. This leaves us with nothing left over for anyone else.

Being a caregiver yourself, you would like to think that the person who you share your life with, or who you work closely with, would be amenable to providing you with support. That may mean giving you emotional support when you are experiencing a difficult time or taking the strain allowing you to lessen the burden on yourself. You give and you are happy to do so, therefore why should they not do so as well? That is the outlook of someone normal operating by the norms and rules of your world. Those do not apply to us. We cannot provide you with support since we have nothing available to do so.

Added to that we do not know how to provide emotional support. Yes we can see how chores can be done and the like. We also have observed the ways that you provide emotional support to other people and we know the phrases that are used, the expressions that are formed on people’s faces and the gestures that are made. We have seen all that and we could trot all that out. In fact we have done in the past. We did this when we were seducing you. When we wanted you to divulge about your weaknesses and vulnerabilities this will have invariably saddened you and upset you. It may even have caused an episode where you need emotional support. We were happy to go through the motions then because we were at the stage of investing in your in order to get our fuel. We were content to make the right noises, give you a hug and make the panacea that is the cup of tea. All of this was learned from others. We did not feel anything for you. We could not put ourselves in your shoes (heaven forbid that would ever happen) and we could not empathise with what you were experiencing and nor can we ever do that. Yet again, we conned you into thinking that we are a caring and selfless person. We demonstrated such an approach when we were first together and that attracted you to us. This raised expectations that you could rely on us and turn to us when the need arose. It is all false.

Furthermore, when you need support and expect it from us, you are showing to us how you are weak. We despise weakness. You will find that our kind is rarely found near children, the infirm and ill and the elderly. This is because they are all weak and want support regularly. We do not want to be reminded of that fact. We cannot be bothered with you cluttering up our route to fuel. An exhibition of weakness infuriates us. A normal person would see someone in a position of weakness and deign to help and assist. We have seen how this is a natural reaction in normal people. It will not happen with us.

If you are fortunate, we will absent ourselves from the situation in an instant. We will generate some urgent reason; find a pressing engagement we had forgotten about in order to ensure we can get away from you and your ailment, woe or injury. You probably will never see us move as quick when it comes to getting away from somebody who needs help. If we are unable to exit the situation then we may just stand and look at you. You could be reaching out to us, eyes filled with tears of pain, asking for help and we will just give you a blank stare. We know we ought to be helping you, convention and observation has told us this, but we cannot do so. We are unable to leave but we are also unable to help you. This requires compassion and we do not have any. It requires us to us our energies to help you out and we are forbidden from doing so.

Our ultimate reaction where you need support from us is to go on the offensive. The uncomfortable feeling that you have generated inside of us makes us feel less powerful and smacks of inferiority. We know of only one way to banish such a sensation. We need to reassert our power and that means we must lash out at you. It becomes necessary to subject you to further insults and denigrating comments, at a time when you are feeling hurt and vulnerable.

“What are you crying for? I have had worse happen to me.”

“I am sick and tired of you being pathetic. Deal with it.”

“I bet (insert name of triangulated individual) would not make such a song and dance about it like you do.”

“It’s only a dog, you can get another one. Seriously, what a display over a dumb animal.”

“You are hysterical, you need to get help.”

“Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about.”

“That’s right; make it about you on my special day.”

We will lash out at you with these words in order to make you feel worse and ourselves feel better because that is all we care about. We fooled you into thinking that we care about you. That is a fallacy. Do not expect us to support you.

Demonstrating our legendary hypocrisy we will expect you to always be there for us. When we have a need you must attend to it straight away, even if you are experiencing difficulties yourself. When we have a scratch we expect you to make it better even though you might be bleeding to death before us. As with so much of our behaviour we do not regard the way we act towards you as meaning you should behave the same way towards us. If you chopped us in half you would most likely find this stencilled through us like lettering on a stick of rock

“Do as I say, not do as I do.”

48 thoughts on “A Lack of Support

  1. Pingback: Broken – 21 Days – Days 13 and 14 – Broken
  2. Whitney says:

    HG my God, he makes home cooked meals for me a few times a week. I don’t reciprocate. He makes various steamed and roasted vegetables and barbequed meat. He does the dishes afterwards. I told him not to do the dishes while I’m there because it’s a waste of my time.

    He also pays for restaurants a couple times a week. I feel bad about that. I told him not to waste his money and he said “it’s my resource. I can do whatever I want with it”.

    1. Asp Emp says:

      Hi Whitney, so you go round to his house to have meals with him? And go to restaurants with him as well?

      Can I ask, how long have you been with this guy? Are you still ‘involved’ with him?

      Apologies for the number of questions. 🙂

      1. Whitney says:

        Hi Asp Emp that’s right about the dinners!
        I started dating him in 2018. He was colder at first. For example didn’t want to snuggle while watching a movie. Was stiff. “Avoidance of intimacy”. Now snuggles a lot. There was no love bombing. Instead a slow build up.
        One reason I think he’s not a Narc.

        1. Asp Emp says:

          Hi Whitney, I got the impression you wanted to go ‘No Contact’ with him (via your comment late last year) – what has changed since then? I understand why you would think he is not a narcissist. Since HG’s NDC on this guy, have you had a consult with HG since? If this guy is a narcissist and he does start doing what they tend to do – treat you in a negative way – the longer your ‘entanglement’ is, the more pain it will cause you. I have been there, done that, not wearing the t-shirt (that was ‘burnt’ ages ago!!). Can I ask, when was the NDC done on this guy? People make choices / decisions for different reasons. Have you always had an addiction to narcissism – would you consider yourself to have that addiction? Again, apologies for the questions 🙂

        2. Asp Emp says:

          Hi Whitney, I wanted to share this with you – if it had not been for the direct ‘connection’ between the MRN I was ‘entangled’ with and the ones at work – I think, there may have been a possibility that I would not be here today and having learned all I have learned to date. So, in a way, what I experienced with all those narcissists around at the same time for the same length of time – was – despite being the worst period of my life (also the fact I lost my dog at same time = far more added to the mountain of ‘trauma’) – also potentially the most ‘dangerous’ period of my experiences with past narcissists. The way it all happened and the way it eventually all “exploded” – I would not have learned the most valuable things that I needed to know and find myself again. I can now look back and see how ‘deeply’ ensnared I was (with the one MRN) – emotionally and mentally. Hence HG’s advice GOSO and go NC, educating yourself being so very important.

  3. Asp Emp says:

    I think this is the most appropriate article for me to share. I came out of my house to do something and I see my lovely 91 year old neighbour (lost her husband through illness Christmas Day a few years ago) – anyway, I went to chat with her – very rarely get to do this nowadays, she’s just existing, not living and that saddens me. Because eldest daughter lives elsewhere in the world, not in UK. Neighbour has the other daughter to – sometimes, not often – help her mother.

    I’d go round and have a cup of tea with her everyday if I could and do some little tasks for her. But I don’t. Why? Her daughter has all the mannerisms of narcissism (from being spoilt as a child). Her sister is not like that at all. Her mother is not like that at all. Her father? Maybe but he was always ok with me, set in his ways, of course he was, it’s the generation of ‘stead-fasts’, having been part of WWII, yet, I still cannot see any characteristics of narcissism when I look back and think.

    Why am I talking about it? Because I used to go round 2 times a week on average and have a cuppa, natter with him more than her, yet she was always around. They found me a ‘delight’ to have around, talk about anything and everything under the sun. I had my heart attack 6 months after he died. The lovely elderly neighbour took in my elderly dog while I was in hospital (well, I didn’t really have time to arrange a dog-sitter!!). Couple of days after my insisting to be allowed home to get some clean clothes & check on my dog. My friend collects me for this.

    A few minutes of being home, I had packed a bag and was about to go round to see my dog & check if it was ok for another few days. Now, I believe the neighbour would have been more than happy and was enjoying the company of my dog. But no, her daughter comes to my door, starts shouting at me and my friend, jabbing her finger in my face.

    Why was she angry? Dunno. Fkg narcissist?

    So I relay to neighbour yesterday about how her daughter spoke to me and my friend. Neighbour shared something with me that indicates a small fear of her daughter’s reaction / temper but is needed to assist with home-care. I reminded her that we had ‘talked’ about this a few years ago. I did, however, mention to her that I had been learning all about narcissism and wondered out loud about her daughter and I also pointed out that I do not see it in herself or her other daughter. She did not seem surprised. She also has a fear about being seen chatting with me and that is additional sadness on my part – probably hers too. In my mind, I know I am not failing my ‘empath obligations’ but my heart says otherwise.

    It has been playing on my mind since……

    Thank you, HG, for your time on this comment, I apologise for it being long yet I needed to share it and am trying not let this issue bother me but I can’t help it.

    1. Whitney says:

      Hi Asp Emp, that is so sweet of you to give company and help your elderly neighbour. You would have made a big and lasting impact on her, even if her daughter is interfering now.

      1. Asp Emp says:

        Hi Whitney, I think you may have misunderstood – I cannot at present, because of the reasons I explained in my initial comment. I am damned if I do, damned if I don’t – it is something I will have to accept even though I absolutely hate the ‘situation’ on my neighbour’s part. If I was a social worker, then, hell yes, I’d intervene. Alas. Having said that, I can cherish the memories that I have about my lovely neighbours.

        1. Whitney says:

          Hi Aspy Emp 😃💖 even though you can no longer help at present, you would have left her with cherished memories too. You are very kind xxx

  4. Whitney says:

    … Continuing on
    I only cry when I feel bad, or happy for someone else.

    Anyway… The one who choked me has never seen me upset. But he knew I was going to cry. He put his arm around me and started comforting me. Then when I cried he held me, really nicely. I wasn’t hugging him back. He held me for a long time. Then he sent me a very nice message later.

    1. JB says:

      Could that not be a manipulation though, Whitney?

    2. Asp Emp says:

      Hi Whitney, can I ask you, when the guy ‘comforted’ you, when was this? Did you ever report the guy for choking you? I’d do that and send him packing with his tail between his legs.

      1. Whitney says:

        Hi Asp Emp! 😃 Good to see you! 😊.

        He comforted me when he saw I was upset. I didn’t have to say a word for him to know. He said goodbye and led me away from everyone, put his arm around me, and said comforting things. Then at the car hugged me when I cried. Then he sent supportive and comforting messages that night and the next day.

        He’s not a pussy fake empathy type. He doesn’t act flowery.

        He “choked” me lightly during sex. It was just a gesture, he is gentle.

        I hope you are having a great day!

        1. Asp Emp says:

          Hi Whitney 🙂

          I am trying to make the ‘connection’ here – is the guy you are referring to a confirmed narcissist by HG’s NDC?

          The MR I was ‘entangled’ with was good at being the ‘nice’ guy and sent ‘lovely’ texts too. That phased out and his ‘oh, woe is me, my daughter this, my son that, my boss this, my health that’ started. Gawd’s sake. It was never ending ‘woe is me’. Until he found another woman to give him what he ‘needed’. After my ‘supanova’ (giggling at the memory, ah, it was absolutely fab, it was so good and felt good too!!) – he sent texts but I could never read them – “something to do with his internet security” (bollocks, fkg deflecting, blameshifting etc). No, narcissists can be very good at wearing so many ‘facades’. It’s real in their mind – their way. To, me, now, it’s the narcissism’s way.

          If HG has determined the guy you are talking about here being a narcissist, then believe HG.

          Anyway, the sun is shining and warm here and I’ve been having an ice lolly outside. Will have to get the hose-pipe out to water the garden as it’s not rained for a few days now….. hope you are ok too, Whitney 🙂

          1. Whitney says:

            Hi Asp Emp 😀 Thank you for your extremely interesting message! I’m gonna reply as a reward to myself, after I finish a big task. Thank you for the motivation. Talk soon!

          2. Asp Emp says:

            Hey, Whitney, great to hear from you – I look forward to your reply when you are less busy. Laters then, Whitney 🙂

          3. Whitney says:

            Hey Asp Emp 😀 Thank you so much!!! I completed my big task. A video to advertise a clearance at my shop!

            Holy fuck those Midrange complainers are draining! I’m surprised he held off the “woe is me” at the start. They love it. You should take it as SUCH a compliment that LOSER found another woman. I hate him. What did you do for your Supernova?!?!?! 😀

            That sounds lovely Asp Emp. It feels nice to focus on simple things like gardening. Nice and peaceful!

            Yes HG thinks this guy is a Narc but I don’t believe it. That’s my “Emotional Thinking”. I believe he’s Narcissistic but not a Narcissist. I think he has empathy for me.

          4. Asp Emp says:

            Hello Whitney. Great that you accomplished the “big task”. My supanova? Oh, major, major and lengthy rants via text messaging – he was trying to “diffuse” my anger, it enraged me even more (LOL). It would have been better face to face. Alas. But it still felt good (laughing).

            RE: gardening, I can now really enjoy and appreciate having it because I no longer have Sasquatch neighbours 😉 They were the fkrs from Hell.

            HG ‘thinks’ ? – no, he knows. A narcissist is a narcissist, like a spade is a spade. No narcissist has emotional empathy – it’s what narcissists have learned – they do not actually possess any.

            It is good that you say it is your ET. It is ‘conning’ you to assume other than ‘narcissist’. Ok, just continue to talk with us on the blog about ‘It’ (the narcissist in your life). Maybe you may have to consider to be ‘cruel to be kind’ to yourself to assist you with adopting a way of managing your addiction?

            Thank you for your thoughts on our conversation 🙂

          5. Whitney says:

            Hi Asp Emp 😃 hahaha!
            Great job and congrats on your supernova. It’s good to get justice! You are awesome!

            After I admit he’s a Narc, my “emotional thinking” questions HG’s theory of narcissism. I can’t believe that 1 in 6 people have zero empathy for anyone. I “feel” that he has empathy for me!

            I would like truth and clarity.

            Hope you’re going well today Asp Emp! See you soon ☺️

          6. Asp Emp says:

            Hello Whitney. Thank you. It was not ‘justice’ as such but it was a release of so-much-built-up anger. A very much needed release.

            RE: your ET questioning HG’s theory of narcissism – I understand in relation to your ET because it is ‘conning’ you. HG gave you the truth. The clarity of that truth can be found all over this blog – HG’s work and the comments from bloggers on KTN site.

            Yes, it is true. There are millions of people who have no empathy. Of those, include people who have ‘alexithymia’ – why not have a ‘google’ on this alone and read to see it from another perspective, other than just narcissism – the explanations are quite similar?

            I am doing well today, thank you for asking, Whitney. Hope you are doing ok too 🙂

        2. Bubbles says:

          Dearest Whitney,
          I’m trying to get my head around this one !
          Did you give ‘your permission’ for him to ‘lightly choke’ you?
          You do realise it’s a form of ‘control’, ‘extremely dangerous’ and there are many risks involved?
          Luv Bubbles xx 😘

    3. BC30 says:

      I’m sorry Whitney. That must have been scary. I want to punch him in the throat and take you away from him forever.

      1. Whitney says:

        Thank you darling BC30. That’s so sweet. He is gentle though. I think it’s quite normal to choke during sex. Bdsm.

        1. BC30 says:

          In that case, have fun! BDSM my jam, but somehow I never went as far with the narcissists, as I have with normals/empaths. I’m blessed with my current partner.

          1. Whitney says:

            Ohh it sounds like you are blessed 😉 I’m so happy for you BC30!

  5. Whitney says:

    Guess what HG my God. God news. He’s not a Narcissist (the one who choked me). I have evidence. I’m glad I’ve stuck with it.

    You were right on the first Narc Detector when you said he might be Narcissistic, but not a Narcissist.

    I got very upset last night at our sport because we lost by 1 point and the upper lesser A was frustrating me and blaming me. I don’t often cry, even though you think I’m a Geyser type…

    will write more in a second

  6. Joa says:

    “My” narcissist never even pretended. From the very beginning, he emerged from the position of a “delightful child” who needs to be looked after and operated by.

    One of his family members said, “He’ll never be hurt because he always chooses women to protect him.”

    So yes, I can handle it all by myself …

  7. Asp Emp says:

    “We don’t provide support. We are too concerned with ourselves and our daily hunt for the fuel that we need to be concerned about you”

    Exactly. I know from personal experience. A whole life-time of learning had to be ‘re-done’. Because of mother, I left home at 22 years old. A-ready-made-forced-to-be-independent individual. I had no choice but to leave home. This also led me to NOT ask for help or support.

    Then, many many years later, I come across a number of adults newly or previously diagnosed with *Aspergers and / or *ADHD – we formed a group.

    *Aspergers / ADHD are inherited ‘conditions’ and the characteristics are usually apparent from a young age but can be diagnosed very late in life, sometimes never. These ‘conditions’ do not develop later in life.

    But the problem that I found quite early on with regard to this group. We were supposed to be supported by members of so called ‘authority’ persons. One was in a position to assist to obtain funding. She was thick as shit. Could not even compile a decent and quite basic form of application – she hated it when I completed for her. Or was she so fkg lazy and expected me to do what she was paid to do? She didn’t want me to make the group into a formal organisation.

    Why?

    Cos she is a narcissist. She knew I could sense something ‘different’ with her. I told her as such one day.

    I challenged her directly over plagiarism.

    I challenged her directly for repeating a statement that basically says that as a group we cannot say this BUT we can say that. Bollocks. She stopped saying it.

    She chose to support other people, not me (I now suspect some, of which are narcissists too).

    Why?

    She is a narcissist.

    I gave her too many 404’s.

    I was always and remain to be stronger than some narcissists out there in the world. I freak the sh*t out of the ones that meet me (not me meeting them!). Not that they would admit it.

    Why?

    Cos they are narcissists.

    They don’t know that. Regardless of that, there is no chance in hell that I will permit them to get one over me in / at work in the future, they can try, but they will rue the day they do. If I do not share that I know enough about the Law, I can fk them up the arse with my knowledge when required (not IF), as applicable and as appropriate.

    (Asp Emp ‘googles’ where to purchase legal to obtain anal tasers).

    1. Whitney says:

      Fuck yes Asp Emp. I can see why they’re scared as shit of you!!! You are outsmarting and calling them out. Good job! How annoying they get into power positions and spoil groups.
      Can you make your own group, now? 😊

      1. Asp Emp says:

        Hello Whitney, you made me laugh RE: your first sentence. Thank you. Yes, it’s even worse when it’s vulnerable people being “controlled” by these ‘authority’ people.

        Well, on paper, this group (the organisation) still exists and I have to talk to my friend about it, way forward or what. We did have a conversation in February last year then fkg Covid in March & lockdowns. Innit?! FFS. At the same time, I think the town I live in has more narcissists rather than people with Aspergers / Autism / ADHD……..Hilarious. Not.

        1. Whitney says:

          Definitely Asp Emp, it’s enraging how the vulnerable are controlled by those cunts. The Narcs are extremely drawn to controlling the vulnerable!

          For example at least half of counsellors are Narcs! They love it.

          You and your friend can create a nicer, safer, and genuinely good group Asp Emp…

          Haha…I’m sure there are way more Narcs than Asp/Aut or ADHD

  8. SParham says:

    All you do is confirm nasty narcissist behaviors HG! I cared for my narc husband’ kin in their weakened stages up until their deaths. Narc was never around and when he was it was nonstop complaining. One of his kin bear hugged me and died. Narc had to help me get free of her body. There was no compassion, no nothing from him. In fact, it only got worse from there.
    Part of the reason I thought I was a narc is because now I don’t want to help narcs other family members. One narc in particular tries to call on me and I avoid it. I’d run to my kids and did take care of husband narc after his motorcycle accident (that sucked). My critters do get my full love, my connections with them never fail. Even so, it’s like my compassion is ruined in many ways.

  9. A Victor says:

    Wow, very odd for this article to come around again today. A bit ago I was thinking about a comment here and realizing that the support from people here is likely the type of support I would’ve wanted from a husband. This is a new thought for me, I have not been sure what kind of support I would ever ask for. But here, I get it and it helps. So now, to transfer that to real life with a real man someday, hopefully, at least there is a goal in mind. I lean much more on this blog than even on friends in real life, at this time, for doing the heavy lifting of reprogramming. People in real life don’t always get it. So, here is this article. I will need to get a non-narc real man in order for the support to be genuine. Hey JB, I think I figured out the real vs genuine thing too, thanks to you asking about it! 🙂

    1. JB says:

      You’re welcome, AV! I know what you mean about leaning on this blog more than friends in real life. People here get it, and you can offload anonymously..it’s like a confessional of sorts! Xx

      1. A Victor says:

        Yes, that is loosely how I’ve been able to use it, dump stuff and walk away from it. I enjoy there feedback but even without that, it would be helpful.

        1. JB says:

          AV, I agree!

      2. Asp Emp says:

        JB, loving your words “it’s like a confessional of sorts!”. You can say that again!

        I am certainly not going to be rushing to my nearest ‘church’ and reveal all inside a “confession cubicle” – he or she will eventually end up being a skeleton dressed in church clothing….. and I’d be an old woman ranting about narcissist this, narcissist that, mother this, mother that, and ranting about who the real ‘God’ is and it doesn’t begin with a ‘G’. It’s HG, the Holy Grail, the G.O.A.T and he existed who created the ‘Bible of Humanity’ with psychological facts.

        1. JB says:

          Goat, Asp Emp! 😂

          1. Asp Emp says:

            JB, it’s G.O.A.T 😉 x

            not like this one that obviously needed support……

          2. JB says:

            Asp Emp,

            Ha ha! Cute!

    2. SParham says:

      Well said. Without even knowing I started using this as a type of journaling. I’ve not felt this at ease in literally years. At least you are willing to try out other men. I can’t see myself in another relationship after this 30 year psycho circus. I’d probably be so mean and cynical, they’d think I was crazier than I already am. Along with a legal background check I’d definitely put him through the narc detectors. At this point I believe it should be required learning.

      1. A Victor says:

        Hi SParham, a bit of my history, my ex left 11 years ago next month. I didn’t date, or even consider dating, for 10 years. Then last summer I decided to give it a try again and went to an online site, my first time doing so. I promptly met a narcissist and talked with him for 3 months before realizing how dangerous he was. That prompted me to look around and try to figure out what he was, which is what led me here. I am interested in another relationship at some point but not until I have this all squared away and I feel confident that I can do so safely. I agree that people should be made aware of narcissism and other issues as well, that is why I am so supportive of what HG is doing, it is a great service to many people who have formerly or currently been abused.

  10. Lola Rubio says:

    All facts! My labor pains were hilarious to my narcissist. I divorced him shortly after giving birth to his little twin.

    1. Asp Emp says:

      LR, he was laughing, inappropriately (in his perspective, it was funny). Labour pain is not funny. I liked your second sentence though 🙂

    2. Bubbles says:

      Dearest Lola Rubio,
      Narcs are always insensitive at the most sensitive of moments …. big red flag !
      What a horrible thing to do…. glad you divorced him
      You can do the same at his funeral 😂
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      1. BC30 says:

        You often make me laugh, Bubbles. 😆

        1. Bubbles says:

          BC30,
          It’s sure beats crying, thank you lovely ☺️
          Luv Bubbles xx 😘

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