Why Not Let Me Go?
Release – why will the narcissist let you go and get on with your life peacefully?
It is a common question that is asked of me. Why don’t you and your kind just let us be once you have disengaged from us, why do you have to keep coming back to us, why apply all that effort in hoovering us when you can go and get somebody new and concentrate on them instead? Why not release you? Those are fair queries but they fail to understand the dynamic that is at work in respect of why we keep coming back to you and why we will not release you. Here are the reasons why.
1. Control. As I have explained previously, the Narcissistic Relationship lasts until either one of us dies. We need to remind you that you belong to us. We need to exert our rights under the Narcissistic Covenant and by hoovering you, this is the most blatant and effective way of doing so.
2. Perspective. You are an extension of us. We attach you to us when we seduce you and suck the fuel from you. We do not truly discard you but instead there is a temporary cessation before we engage once again and continue to draw fuel from you. Since we do not regard you as a separate and distinct entity, but rather part of our powerful and far-reaching selves, we consider you to always be available and thus we keep hoovering you since in our minds you are part of us and thus within reach.
3. Punishment. In some instances, which is dependent on the type of narcissist you are being punished for your transgressions against us. These transgressions may be numerous but most often they are to do with the fact that you escaped us and/or you failed to provide us with the necessary fuel when required. In order to demonstrate that we are superior to you, we deem it appropriate to punish you and thus you will be hoovered through malign follow up hoovers.
4. Hoover fuel. This is the chief reason why we hoover. Hoover fuel is very potent, it is edifying and invigorating. Why is this? There is every likelihood that when we seek to hoover you post discard or post escape that you try to resist our overtures. This is because you have been devalued and abused, admittedly it is not always the case as some victims want us back regardless, but there are many who are at best reluctant and at worst determined to resist us. If we manage to draw a positive reaction from them or even a negative one, it reinforces our power over this person and causes the fuel to be even more powerful. If we manage to bring about the resumption of the Formal Relationship, then this is even better. We have emphasised just how much control we have over you and to have you return, either exhibiting joy, relief and thanks, the quality of this hoover fuel is impressive. Even if the victim provides no resistance to our hoover and willingly returns to us, pouring with positive fuel as we have allowed them back into our arms, the fact we know we can treat people the way that we do and they still want us and provide us with fuel results in potent hoover fuel for us as well. Knowing we can still evoke such emotion in people, after everything that we have done, laces the fuel with a particular power.
5. Investment. You ought to be aware that we have invested our time and energy in you. This may well have been through the preparatory work that was engaged in when we targeted you, working out the relevant traits that you had which appeal to us, assessing your susceptibility to our seduction hoover and so forth. It also includes all of the effort that we put into your seduction and the devaluation thereafter. We know you. We know how you think, how you react, how you respond, how you act. We understand your mind. We know your strengths, your weaknesses, your vulnerabilities and your pressure points. We have ensured that you are attached to us, bound to us and functioning and therefore this solid and substantial investment in you is not just for an initial period of time. It is done so we can rely on this investment, time and time again in the future. We do not want to waste such a significant investment. This should enlighten you as to why it is just not easier to go and seduce somebody else. We have invested much in you and we want the return from our investment again and again and again. We will of course expend effort in securing new investment opportunities but we are not going to forgo previous investments as well.
6. Compassion. Don’t get excited, I am not going to tell you that you can expect it, quite the opposite. Somebody other than us might decide that you have indeed had enough and move on and leave you alone. However, the fact that we lack compassion and remorse means that we see no reason to leave you alone. Your condition and state of mind are only relevant to us with regard to whether we can draw further fuel from you. We do not care that you are hurting, upset or that you are in pain.
7. Entitlement. Our significant sense of entitlement means we can do as we please and naturally as someone who was once our primary source you are always going to be subject to the manifestation of this entitlement by us keeping coming back to you, subject of course to the conditions of the Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria which I have written about separately.
8. Pleading. Do not think that pleading with us for relief, release and clemency will get you anywhere. Not only will this draw no response because of the lack of compassion as mentioned above but because you are providing us with fuel we will want more of it and therefore your pleading is something we want to see, but it will have no effect on us other than to make us want you to continue to plead and beg.
Thus there are several reasons why we will not release you and let you move on. We will not grant you the freedom. You have to secure it yourself.
Secure release and avoid this mistake
40 thoughts on “Why Not Let Me Go?”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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Is it possible that a new female interest will be made up to gather fuel from me? To see me hurt?
Yes, that is called triangulation. See my book “Manipulated”.
I ended a 26 year marriage with a narc and have been no contact for almost 5 years. I was a regular here at Narc Site. My gratitude to HG for the tools and knowledge.. the consultations and the books.
I am back today as my father passed and the ex wanted to show at the funeral. I told him no. I am not the same girl. Heed the advise of HG. It does not matter the wounding you inflicted… they will be back… when you least expect it… when they can smell the fuel.
Well done and well stated. Thank your dropping by and reinforcing those messages.
Hi JustMe, I’m so sorry to read that your father passed away. I’m glad that you have been able to stay no contact at what must be a very difficult time. Thank you for thinking of us all x
JustMe, sorry to hear about the loss of your father. Good on you for ‘heeding the advise of HG’, for remembering what you had learned and for not giving in to your addiction to the narcissist.
JustMe
That’s lovely to read. Thank you for the update.
HG, you’ve helped me so much. I can’t tell you how much healthier, at peace, and most importantly HOW SAFE that i am now as a result of studying and implementing your work. I am a better person. I wish i could give you some fuell!!! Sincere thanks. 💖
You are welcome LG and you just did.
addendum: or are we under the “protection” of a narc? HOW DARE THAT NARC TRY TO TAKE WHAT”S MINE??!! or does it mean nothing one can poach from another?
We can be poached, what a horrible thought. Kind of flattering in a sickening way too. Also a horrible thought.
What happens if another narcissist owns us? Do Narcs fight over appliances?
Yes.
Hahahah love that! And does the loser still feel some form of ownership HG?
Yes AS2016, naturally. They will have the unconscious ownership, however in the moment they may well have used The Third Assertion of Control and withdrawn with the mindset of “Never wanted them anyway”. Thus in the moment they withdraw because they believe they are no longer interested but the unconscious sense of ownership prevails.
(The Aggro Index stands at 2.7%)
I Love the new Aggro Index …smiling devil emoti
I hate it. It makes me queasy that we need it. But I do understand the reasoning behind it.
Withdrawal-, they are such fucking babies.
Withdrawal is the reaction the somatic ULA used every time I questioned his behavior. I thought back then he was a coward and pathetically immature. Not sexy at all.
BC30, laughing……
Haha, BC30, babies indeed! When you add the ‘f’ word it makes me laugh 😛
And love those luscious locks <3 Very much how I pictured you. Beautiful inside and out x
🤗 Thank you that is very sweet and ditto.
Will the lower ranked narcissist be the looser? When it comes to the addiction, are the lessers a milder drug, mid-range middle strong drug and the greater a heavy drug? So that the higher ranked narcissist outweigh the lower ranked narcissist.
Do you mean in terms of the strength of the addiction to that narcissist? No, the addiction is to any and all narcissists.
Yes, that was what I meant! I did know that the addiction is to all narcissists but didn’t know if the strength of the addiction could vary. Now I know. Thanks for your response!
Only just seen this! Bloody WordPress!
Thanks so much HG.
Lllooolll
I remember such fights over ownership occurring.
Once upon a time a lesser tried to seduce me on the bus (ghetto I know!)
then he saw my narc bf at the time and tried to humiliate him by saying he fucked me loud on bus.
They are like monkeys throwing shit at each other.
There were also battles for control between matrinarc and narc ex.
Witch, on a bus!? LOL “ghetto I know!” – that was funny. Even though we know how these Lessers can behave, it is still amusing (but not at the time it was said), to read what he said. It’s appalling, yet funny. I loved “They are like monkeys throwing shit at each other” – absolutely hilarious!
Yes, I once saw the Lesser in a real ‘tantrum’, stomping all over my accounting / book-keeping files – fkg hell, I was proved right a few years later over the ‘point’ I made yet he still refused to acknowledge that maybe he was actually wrong – on two points here (one = throwing my work that I did for free on the floor and jumping all over the folders, breaking them as well as spreading my perfectly organised folders, two = refusing to listen to someone who actually knows what they are talking about). What came into my mind, during his ‘tantrum’ was an angry silver-backed gorilla. LOL. Hence my repeating Lessers as “knuckle-dragging-on-the-tarmac” description. LOL
Witch, LOL RE: gorillas not behaving that way, I am likely to agree on that one now.
I was not scared. I was furious. How dare he. How dare he disrespect me & my work. How dare he trash property belonging to an organisation (not mine, certainly not his) and the fact I was about to hand over the files to Finance Dept (it was the year end information). I had absolutely no reason to use my ‘femininity’ BUT I should have had the sense to report it officially to the management of the organisation. I suppose, it was ‘fear’ of his reaction if I had done so. Catch 22 in a way, of sorts.
Having said that, at the moment in time, I had to stifle myself from laughing out loud because it did look comical. LOL. Well, that’s Lessers for you. LOL.
Laughing……. “resting bitch face”…… laughing. I believe I have one of those. LOL.
@Asp
Tbh not even a gorilla would behave that way…
at least it’s even more rare than in humans. But I’m sorry that happened because it must have been scary. Sometimes in these situations you have to use your femininity as leverage and call the police crying saying this person made you fear violence.
Thankfully I’m older uglier and look more miserable now so I don’t have as many narcs trying to speak to me in public these days. As an empath you have to have resting bitch face wherever you go for protection
Witch, I sent a reply to myself – LOL. So am copying / pasting it here….. (laughing at myself, not embarrassed either!) …… ok here it goes…..
Witch, LOL RE: gorillas not behaving that way, I am likely to agree on that one now.
I was not scared. I was furious. How dare he. How dare he disrespect me & my work. How dare he trash property belonging to an organisation (not mine, certainly not his) and the fact I was about to hand over the files to Finance Dept (it was the year end information). I had absolutely no reason to use my ‘femininity’ BUT I should have had the sense to report it officially to the management of the organisation. I suppose, it was ‘fear’ of his reaction if I had done so. Catch 22 in a way, of sorts.
Having said that, at the moment in time, I had to stifle myself from laughing out loud because it did look comical. LOL. Well, that’s Lessers for you. LOL.
Laughing……. “resting bitch face”…… laughing. I believe I have one of those. LOL.
Even the RBF is not always effective. And it is very difficult to maintain for those of us who love to laugh!
@Asp
I agree with you that narc behaviour can sometimes be very funny. If not at the time then looking back at it
Witch, yup. Absolutely. LOL.
@ A Victor
Every so often a narc will slip through but you have to straighten out your face and turn stiff so they lose interest 😆
Interesting. Also, the Aggro index parenthesis refers to your response or to the level required over Control in this particular situation?
When you write “your response” do you mean me or the commenter?
I am not adding the Aggro Index after every single comment, but at intervals where I reply to somebody. It is to demonstrate, using evidence, that the vast majority of comments in this place are neither aggressive, insulting, argumentative or labelling so that those who try to suggest to the contrary and we have seen it happen, are shown, in real time, to be wrong.
(The Aggro Index stands at 3.89%)
I meant your response to the commenter. I understand. Thanks for the clarification. What measurement tool are you using to calculate your aggro, if you don’t mind me asking?
The calculation is a percentage as already explained.