No Good Advice

NO-GOOD-ADVICE

 

Relationship advice. The internet is awash with it. Sites, blogs, question and answer sessions, videos on YouTube there is a plethora of advice about how to deal with the problems which arise in intimate relationships.

I decided recently to have a good look through many of these sites and gather together the common complaints which people raise when they submit their issues. There are plenty of submissions, thousands upon thousands of people complaining about the issues in their relationships. Oddly enough, I noticed a common thread with many of these complaints where people had written in to seek advice or explained their circumstances. Time and time again I saw the following:-

“Everything was wonderful to begin with, he swept me off my feet.”

“She made me feel like a king and it was just what I needed after how horrible my marriage had been.”

“I was taken aback by how loving he was, but it felt so good to be treated that way after everything that I had been through.”

“He told me how he had been hurt before and didn’t want to go through that again.”

“His ex-wife was horrible to him and he had been hurt but wanted to ensure everything was right between us.”

“Everything was marvellous for a few months and then he changed.”

“I didn’t know him anymore.”

“He started controlling me.”

“She told me who I could see.”

“He started to isolate me from family and friends.”

“He would flirt with other women.”

“She spent all of her time on the internet doing Lord knows what.”

“He never listens to me.”

“He became abusive.”

“The sex was amazing at first but then it just stopped.”

“He was so loving and attentive in bed but then he started suggesting threesomes and kinky stuff which I didn’t like.”

“He started to make decisions for me.”

“She would lose her temper over the smallest thing.”

“He would disappear for days on end and I was sick with worry.”

“He would not speak to me for several days even though I had done nothing wrong.”

“He started hitting me. He said sorry afterwards and seemed remorseful for what he had done, blaming it on seeing his dad beat him mum when he was young.”

“He doesn’t like anything I do any more, he puts me down.”

“Its like living with Jekyll and Hyde.”

“He just never contacted me again. I still don’t know what has happened.”

“He told me he couldn’t be with me anymore as he needed time to himself and then two days later I see him post about a new girlfriend on social media.”

“He was unfaithful to me repeatedly.”

“I still miss her after everything she has done.”

“I am financially ruined, stressed but I still love him.”

“Why can’t it be like it was in the beginning?”

“I want him back.”

I should imagine that all of you will be nodding at these comments for two reasons. First of all, you remember saying them yourself or something similar. Secondly, you now realise what was actually behind these behaviours. People like me.

Over and over again I saw questions and tales which all had the common theme of ‘Brilliant start, he became someone else, dumped me, I was heartbroken.’ Hundreds upon hundreds of these stories, these tales of misery and woe. A litany of despondency and confusion that has been piled up in the inboxes of the relationship advisors and gurus. I scrolled through them all, reading the replies, the advice and the suggestions. I read the analysis, I digested the observations and spent some considerable time doing so. What did I see?

Not one person raised the possibility that the person seeking advice had become involved with a narcissist. Not one.

Many of these blogs and relationship advice sites were clearly popular. Some were established names, linked to lifestyle magazines and newspapers. Many directed you to their services for counselling and relationship tool kits. Many of them trotted out similar comments and platitudes. Too often they read like the first world tribulations of a scene from Sex and the City rather than the abusive, destructive and harmful actions of dangerous narcissists.

Yet not one of them raised the suggestion that a narcissist was involved.

Now, naturally it is not the case that behind every relationship woe there is a narcissist but I know that those of you reading this, with the benefit of the enlightenment you have achieved knows that there is a good chance that problems of this nature as described repeatedly in the problems pages of these sites are something to do with people like my kind. Yet nobody was offering this as a possibility. That shows the scale of how easy it is for us to do what we do and pass undetected. It shows the staggering lack of knowledge about what we do say, think and do and the naivety of so many people, including those who apparently understand relationship dynamics.

Instead, I saw standard and repeated responses such as:-

“He is clearly a commitment phobe.”

No, he doesn’t want to spend time with you because he is devaluing you and is actually seducing someone else at the current time.

“You have outgrown each other.”

No, you never grew together to begin with because it was all predicated on an illusion and his lack of interest now is symptomatic of his interest being elsewhere.

“He may just be tired or stressed from working hard to support you and your children.”

Yes or he might be a narcissist who uses his rage to intimidate and control you.

You may have unrealistic expectations about the relationship.”

Damn right you do and we all know why that has happened don’t we?

You need him to take responsibility for his actions. He cannot keep blaming you for everything.”

Good luck with that one.

“He just might not be into you.”

Half-right I suppose, he just isn’t in to you fuel anymore, he is in to somebody else’s.

“He might be bored with life and not you. Try harder to interest him.”

Again, good luck with that one.

“Relationships require hard work. Don’t give up. Keep working at it and you can overcome the problems together.”

You have just been told to sign your own death warrant there.

“Some people have anger issues but that can managed with understanding and therapy.”

Or they have fury which ignites at the slightest provocation and always will.

“Being hurt is an inevitable part of a relationship.”

It is if you get ensnared by my kind.

I am not suggesting that every problem in a relationship is as a consequence of the other party being a narcissist, that is unrealistic. However, the number of times I read about what was clearly the narcissistic dynamic of seduction, devaluation and discard was significant. The monumental amount of times that I recognised narcissistic manipulations – rage attacks, silent treatments, triangulation, intimidation, bullying, gas lighting and so forth – in so many posts did not surprised me but they were not picked up on. Many times these manipulations were not isolated events. There were repeated occasions and also differing types of the manipulations which when combined and repeated point in one direction.

The advice and platitudes that were provided to people who were clearly, not just possibly, but clearly entangled with a narcissist, were way off the mark. The descriptions and answers I have listed above were the ones which were provided to people and at best this would mean the person would remain clueless and stuck with no appropriate solution and at worst they were providing advice which would harm the individual who had sought the advice.

I was not surprised by this erroneous advice. I was not amazed by this omission of our kind from the explanations. I was not taken aback by the scale of people complaining about what was clearly narcissistic abuse but not being told as such.

This is why we are able to do what we do.

This is why we are able to move amongst people, ensnare fresh victims and maintain our veneer of respectability.

This is why what we do is passed off as something else. Euphemised, diluted, lessened and made to seem like a standard relationship hiccup.

This is why ignorance is so harmful.

This is why we remain so effective.

This is why we remain so dangerous.

18 thoughts on “No Good Advice

  1. Violetta says:

    HG:

    Don’t know if you’ve seen the following DM article: “Are YOU are in a narcissistic relationship? Trauma recovery coach reveals the six warning signs – from ‘feeling like an addict’ to thinking ‘no one understands you.'”

    Here’s a quote from it:

    “She has gone on to become the UK’s first narcissistic abuse recovery coach, based in London and LA, and is one of only a handful of dedicated experts in the world”

    So what’re you, HG, chopped liver?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes I saw it, probably a paid for placement. She will just regurgitate what she has learned elsewhere and will bring nothing new. Of greater importance was the fact that loyal readers referenced me in the comments.

      1. Duchessbea says:

        I have seen you referenced a few times all very favourably. Having read some of the work and listened to their stories, it is quite clear they don’t equal you.
        Best,
        DB

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Agreed and thank you.

      2. Violetta says:

        I saw the mentions. I don’t know how they got through, because recently DM has been censoring my KTN referrals even on supposedly unmoderated articles.

        They shut down comments on this particular article real fast–too many posts on the order of “Harry needs to read this.”

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you for continuing to fight the good fight!

    2. JB says:

      Am tempted to read this article just to see what it says. Was it in the Daily Mail, Violetta?

      1. Violetta says:

        JB:

        Yes. “the UK’s first narcissistic abuse recovery coach”? Dafuq?!!

        1. JB says:

          Violetta, the Daily Mail isn’t exactly known for its balanced accounts..Daily Fail, once again!

    3. NarcAngel says:

      “She has gone on to become the UK’s first narcissistic abuse recovery coach, based in London and LA, and is one of only a handful of dedicated experts in the world”

      This is where the question or cost of anonymity comes into play. Her recognition as “UK’s first”, Coach” and “Expert” not necessarily because of her work or any attestation to the effectiveness of it, but because people place greater importance on academic documentation and associate putting a face forward with ownership, accountability, credibility and trust.

      Although I have no issue with HG remaining anonymous and can attest to the effectiveness of his work, I do believe it is costing him the full recognition that he deserves and is therefore affecting his Legacy. I do recognize though that this is only part of his Legacy and the other components must be thought to be of greater value/benefit at present. That may or may not change. His is sole judge of any benefit or cost where anonymity is concerned.

      Just irks me when proper recognition is misplaced.

      1. Z - zwartbolleke says:

        My thoughts exactly NA.
        But this sentence is crucial: “I do recognize though that this is only part of his Legacy and the other components must be thought to be of greater value/benefit at present”, it is.
        Frustrating but it is.

    4. LisaMarie says:

      I bet HG makes more money than all her fame and degrees have made her 🤣😂 Nothing compares to brutal honesty—especially coming from a professional liar!! Love HG’s work.

  2. Violetta says:

    Speaking of advice, referred by a blogger:

    https://www.amazon.com/Workbook-Finding-Freedom-Meghan-Making-ebook/dp/B08SCMVXR2#aw-udpv3-customer-reviews_feature_div

    Make sure you click on the “look inside” feature.

  3. SParham says:

    Advice like this certainly kept me in a fog. It’s disheartening that these type responses come from “professionals”. My therapists and dr never told me that I likely have a narcissist spouse. Instead it was here, read this “how to fight fair” print off or try a pill. I could have typed that print off myself and it’s illegal to pop one of those pills into my lessers mouth. Ugh. I’ve made more progress in my short time learning this material than I ever have in my long past. The proverbial weight off the chest finally happened. I give so much credit to you HG. You have the ability to phrase words into messages that absorb into brain and heart. I’m sure you know that a million times over but I’m here to agree.

    It’s so weird, I remember standing in my kitchen listening to this https://youtu.be/tfv9SY09suQ and everything changed. The unchained photo is perfect. It really does feel that way. I’m reaching out to my friends and family on a more consistent basis. I’m laughing more than I have in years. I know what I want in my employment now and even interviewed for a perfect for me job on the 30th. I am strategizing a future GOSO. Other than my lesser, my ensnarements prior HG are over and done with. Two were particularly challenging, one being a violent workmate and the second someone that I intimately trusted. I was emotional thinking on steroids and then bam, I aha’d that I was fueling an unworthy narcissist. I was also acting like a complete idiot. What a trip. 😎

    1. Bubbles says:

      Dearest SParham,
      Thank you so much for linking this you tube video SP
      Everyone should listen to this …….. repeatedly and I mean repeatedly (my thoughts exactly)
      Sooooooo true !
      Summed up perfectly in a nutshell 🥜
      Hugs to you SP 🤗
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  4. Kiki says:

    HG you are correct as always.
    I’ve had consults I know what I’m dealing with went through a brutal devaluation and discard but I’m still struggling with heartache I’m sick of it . .I’m in no contact months now ..Dynamic went on for 10 years .

    Kiki

  5. Duchessbea says:

    HG, your response to the way people have described their relationships, cuts through the rubbish and says it as it is. Do you know how many people you would be helping if you were advising on these sites? So many people would never be ensnared if they just knew what kind of person they were going out with. So many of these relationship sites advisors have never even heard of narcissism. To top it all off, they then advise some people to go and see a therapist. Now I am not saying that every therapist is a narcissist, but a few friends and their better halfs have been advised to go to a therapist and from the stories they told afterwards it was quite clear that they were with their better half/narcissist in an office, sitting in front of someone who is a qualified therapist but also an unaware narcissist. The advice given was shocking and incredible. All against the non narcissist and siding very unsubtly in the narcissists favour. So unfair for people who are genuinely looking for advice to better their relationship.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Indeed.

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