You Are Not Alone

YOU-ARE-NOT-ALONE

One is never enough for us. Two or more are required. When we commence our seduction of you and launch those missiles towards you bearing love, passion and desire, we repeatedly tell you that you are the one. You are the only one that we want. All of our life we have waited for this moment to be with the one, you. This singularity of number meets singularity of purpose. One is all that we want. We tell you this, we text you this and we do some repeatedly in order to put you on that pedestal. The world may as well just be populated by you and me. Nobody else matters. All that we want is you and you alone. The effect of such words makes you feel extremely special, revered and worshipped and it feels wonderful doesn’t it? Being the sole recipient of our attention, such wonderful, dedicated and loving attention is uplifting, joyful and magnificent.

Recently a commenter posted a quote from Robert A Heinlein which revolved around kissing. Essentially, this quote referred to the fact that when most people kiss they are not putting their all into it, they have other things on their mind, they might be worrying about work, they know they have to put the rubbish out, they are wondering what is for dinner and as a consequence that person’s kiss is nowhere near as it should be because that person has distractions. The person they are kissing does not have their total attention. There is considerable merit in such a proposition. What we manage to do however is make you think that nobody else matters, that you are the only person we are kissing, have ever kissed and will ever kiss. We make you the centre of our universe and you believe it. Yet the reality is that whilst we exhibit this singularity of attention on you, we have so many other people in mind. Understand that when you are with one of our kind there is never, there is never a time when it is just you and me. There is always you, me and her or him or them. Your dynamic with us is not exclusive. It never is. It is not your sole preserve. You are shared throughout the entirety of your relationship with us, from the beginning until, well forever. I do not necessarily mean that we are engaged in s sexual relationship with someone else when we are with you but the fact is that when you think it is just you and I, there is far more going on that you will realise.

At the outset when I am seducing you, I make you feel like the only girl in the world, however there will be at least two other dynamics ongoing. The first is that I will be embarking on a cruel campaign against your predecessor. I will be considering how next to provoke them and punish them so I am able to draw negative fuel from them. I will undoubtedly tell you about them as I explain how horrible and abusive that person was to me. What you are less likely to know is that I am sending them abusive messages, stalking them and organising various methods of manipulation to keep punishing them.

The second dynamic at the outset is the fact that I may also be working on another prospect as well as you. In the extremely unlikely event that you ever had access to my mobile ‘phone and you looked in the messages you would see something like this.

“Message to You 19:48 – I cannot stop thinking about you. What have you done to me? I love it though. I cannot wait to see you tomorrow even though it is too long to wait for my aching heart.”

“Message to Her 19:50 – I cannot stop thinking about you. What have you done to me? I love it though. I cannot wait to see you tomorrow even though it is too long to wait for my aching heart.”

There may even be,

“Message to Her 2 19:52 – I cannot stop thinking about you. What have you done to me? I love it though. I cannot wait to see you tomorrow even though it is too long to wait for my aching heart.”

Notoriously greedy for fuel and wary of the effects of not having a supply of the same, we will ensure that we have other targeted prospects in hand. You may become the chosen one as my primary source of fuel but the others will not necessarily be discarded. They will be retained as “friends” who rank as high producing secondary appliances, continuing to supply me with fuel. You think you have me to yourself. Of course that is the impression that I will create but you are sharing me with the others who will be kept ready to replace you should you start to fail in your production of fuel.

During the golden period it may seem that there is just you and me but I will be keeping other prospects warm and extracting negative fuel from one or more predecessors in the meanwhile. Then, without warning you find yourself being devalued. You have your suspicions that we are playing away. Indeed, we are as we use these secondary sources that we have kept “warm”. There will be others as we find additional people to draw into our network as we play them off against you. You will find you will be compared to these people, to friends and family and always found to be wanting as we press the devaluation against you. After this horrendous time, we will cast you to one side with a callous discard and somebody else has replaced you. How did that happen so quickly? How were we able to move with unseemly haste and find someone else who we now declare our love for? Easily. They were waiting in the wings all along.

Now discarded you will find you are still involved in the dynamic as we play you against your replacement. We will keep trying to draw negative fuel from you and then suddenly hoover you back and make you the apple of our eye again, as your short-lived replacement is cast aside. A period of vacillation may follow as we lift you up and crash you down. You are sat on one end of a see saw, as you go up, she goes down and vice versa. We stand in the centre, straddling this see saw and gobbling up all the fuel that is pouring from you both.

As our primary source you will always find that there is somebody else involved in the dynamic of our relationship. It does not end there though with the person who is our primary source of fuel. This addition of an extra player in the game happens throughout all our fuel gathering activities. We set family member against family member, our brothers against our sisters, or one parent against another. We treat one child as golden and the other as a pariah as we have them compete for our blessing and affection. We pit one colleague against another as they vie for that promotion which lies in our gift. We have friend fighting against friend in order to spend time with us at the expense of the other. We enter the online realm and have people backbiting, clashing and competing all through a few keystrokes on the keyboard. We can never be satisfied with it being just you and me, we always have to involve others and that involvement cannot be harmonious. There must be competition in order for the fuel to flow. Never think that we are dedicated to just you, our need for fuel does not allow it. There is always someone else despite what we may tell you. If you were ever able to ascertain the full extent of our machinations, schemes and plans you would see so many lines radiating away from us, connecting us to you, to her and to many others, with lines running between the unknowing and knowing until it looks like an extremely complex organogram on the wall of an incident room in a police station.

It can never just be you and me.

There always has to be another.

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7 thoughts on “You Are Not Alone

  1. k mac says:

    It is absolutely cheating by our standards. It isn’t seen that way by narcissist because of their talent to compartmentalize. That’s how I understand it anyway. They don’t think about Sally when they are with Sue. Thus, in their minds they are not cheating. I kinda get it.

    1. lickemtomorrow says:

      k mac, this is probably a good explanation in terms of looking at it from the narcissist’s perspective. I kinda get it, too. Unfortunately there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to. It doesn’t fit with my understanding or perspective, and in that sense never the twain shall meet. It’s hopeless. They are the exact opposite to us in so many ways. In terms of what could seem complimentary in some respects, with us giving and them taking, this is where the boat really sails for me. The narcissist can compartmentalize all they want, I’m not bargaining with this chip. Of course, I need to know that’s what they are doing.

  2. lickemtomorrow says:

    AV, it definitely feels like cheating.

    I’ve struggled to understand this dynamic when it came to my ex-husband and the last narc, but this article makes it all so clear. The see-saw allegory is perfect in terms of what is happening and how it makes you feel.

    Another woman would be lifted up above me and I would question that happening when I was not receiving the same amount of time, attention, etc. The narcs would force me to take that back on myself with suggestions of insecurity, and I would question the whole issue of ‘friendship’, my understanding around that and why this somehow felt different.

    Regardless of whether sex was involved (and for the most part I don’t think it was), something felt out of kilter, but I struggled to explain what it was. I believe it now has a name, which is ’emotional affair’. They are cheating on you emotionally, even if it’s not physically, and for me that is just as damaging. It undermines trust. I felt very much at sea not knowing my ‘position’, and as we know now we do have a position as part of the fuel matrix. Even as IPPS we can be devalued while the narc takes up with a secondary or even tertiary source. They are giving to someone else what belongs to us in an intimate relationship. Sharing of themselves in a way that usually only belongs to us in our relationship. It’s so interesting that emotional cheating can also be considered cheating when it comes to intimate relationships.

    I remember many years ago I got on really well with a co-worker who at the time was divorced, but also living with a partner who was pregnant. We would take our breaks together and it got to a point where I had to clearly express to him I didn’t think it was a good idea any longer. That was based on my own sense of what was happening and how it could be construed. Also the fact that I was becoming emotionally connected and did not want to interfere with his current relationship. This has happened to me more than once, but I know there is a need to draw the line in the sand. Much like “do unto others”, I wouldn’t like that to be done to me, even unknowingly. And women have an uncanny knack for knowing what’s what in these situations. Which is where the narcissist can count on gallons of fuel for the taking.

    1. A Victor says:

      Hi LET, I questioned it, him too. But then I’d accept his excuses. You worded that well, about the insecurities. My ex would straight up lie to me, of course now I understand that he didn’t know he was lying, which is why he was so convincing. This still boggles my mind. And in my marriage, except when the woman initiated in front of me, I largely didn’t know unless I found some evidence, which did happen on a few occasions. But still, I’d accept his excuses. And I often suspected though I didn’t dwell, no reason since it didn’t do any good.

      Yes, I have had the same types of experiences, have had to clearly not associate with men in order not to become involved with something questionable, or worse. I was very particular about those in my second marriage because I knew how easily things could happen. And it’s one place where, looking back, I can see my empathy very clearly at work, even before I knew I had any! 😂. We do have a sense of knowing though, that is for sure. I knew my ex cheated whether I had details or not. But only came to believe it s few months ago, how sad is that. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, it helps me sorry through mine, the whole experience, more. I worry that I will struggle to trust anyone, but if I can sort this out, and ensure I’m not with a narcissist, I think I can.

      1. lickemtomorrow says:

        AV, I think your first paragraph sums up a lot of the to’s and fro’s of these situations. They are convincing, we are accepting, and somehow, though we suspect the wool is being pulled over our eyes, we carry on wanting to believe that is not the case. I do not want to believe my husband, lover is cheating. I want him to lie to me and tell me it isn’t so. Convince me, and I will be easily convinced. Even though I know the whole thing is hanging by a thread. I’m going to cling to it.

        I worry, too, that I will struggle to trust anyone again, and maybe I won’t. I’m not putting myself out there and I certainly don’t want to get it ‘wrong’ again. It’s caused so much trauma in my life. Perhaps the place I’m at is just healing from the trauma at the moment. Especially since it extends back to my earliest memories. Time is a factor, and hopefully renewed trust will come with that and better choices. I think there is great hope for all of us, AV, moving into the future, purely based on our current awareness and the fact we are continuing on our educational journey. We know the choice is ours when the time comes.

        We also have the Narccissist-in-Chief, or the Ultra, to help guide us <3

    2. Asp Emp says:

      LET, reading your words “emotional affair” made me think, or rather, gave me ‘reason’ to not be able to sleep then I slept a bit and had a nightmare where a friend was freaked out by something that does not even exist on earth! So I woke up, got up. Had some hot milk. Decided to write a reply to your comment.

      In our perspective, a non-sexual yet emotional ‘relationship’ comes across as ‘cheating’, and it can be just as hurtful / painful as a sexual affair. From a narcissist’s perspective, they are getting fuel from the positive emotional ‘output’.

      Your words “And women have an uncanny knack for knowing what’s what in these situations” – that is true.

      I thought to myself, why did I attract ‘cheaters’? There was only one relationship where I was not cheated on. Granted, the last 2 are narcissists. Lesser did not seem to be ‘emotionally cheating’. MRN was, with more than one ‘other’ woman as well. When I was in devaluation, he’d be communicating with someone else and not even a hello to me whether it was on FB or Messenger.

      Then when his grand-daughter was able (old enough) to have proper conversations with people, his ‘interactions’ with different women seemed to ‘drop’ off. Effectively to the point where it seemed HE was the father of that little girl. I can understand – because she gave him ‘clean’ and innocent, positive ‘emotions’. At the same time, he had a new IPPS (also a narcissist – who did not show ‘love’ to her husband, but lots of ‘love’ to her daughter who was similar age to MRN’s grand-daughter). Positive ‘fuel galore’ for them two. The toddler girls are possibly ‘golden’ child – spoilt rotten.

      That is one reason why muvver abused me. For control. Because I did not ‘love’ her in the same way as I loved my father, from a very early age.

      This, in turn, leads to babies / toddlers being “ensnared”, easily, by narcissists, hence the ‘conditioning’ starts early. The young child is “performing” for a narcissist because they are taught that the smiling, laughing ‘pleases’ the narcissist. I am reminded of HG’s ‘The Narcissist Keeps It in The Family’.

      I also logged onto FB after nearly 8 weeks – I was surprised to see a friend request from a friend’s husband who had unfriended me after my posting about narcissists this and narcissists that (about them work fuckens, over 2 years ago) because it ‘bothered’ him. 30 years I’d known him. I was hurt at the time. He’s never known ‘isolation’. Yes, it bothers me a bit (not concerned but I was ‘let down’). I’ll sleep it off and wake up later, not planning on ‘dwelling’ on this ‘trivia’. I ‘zombied’ in and out of FB for around 10 minutes, LOL.

      I’ll say ‘good morning’ to anyone who reads this (it’s 5.20am)……

  3. A Victor says:

    How is this not cheating, in some form or another? Even if it’s not sexual, it’s still taking from what should be the primary partner’s and giving it to someone else, time, attention, stuff etc. It’s still cheating.

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