The Treatment
We do not seek treatment. The answer to why that is the case is a simple one. There is nothing wrong with us. Occasionally we may be compelled to undergo treatment but that is a different matter. We feel no compulsion at all to volunteer to be subjected to analysis and therapy because there is nothing wrong with us. Yes, we know that our treatment of other people is often unpleasant and has significant downsides to those who are subjected to it but that still does not amount to a good reason why we should seek some form of assistance. The way we behave is the way we behave. Deal with it. We cannot help but act this way because it is the way we have been designed. We must obtain our precious fuel and if that means we lash out and wound others, emotionally and physically then that it is the price that has to be paid. By you.
You must also remember that since we have no concept of empathy, when we see our behaviour injure others it does not affect us. We do not feel guilt, we do not feel shame at what we have done and we do not feel the need to put right the injurious harm we mete out to others. This is our modus operandi and it can never be changed. Add to that our lack of remorse and you have two huge reasons why we will not act to seek treatment to change our ways.
Naturally, there will be times where we will talk about seeking treatment.
“I need help, I know that now. You are the only one who can do it.”
“If I seek assistance for this terrible affliction, will you stay and help me?”
“I don’t know why I do it, perhaps I need help. Will you help me?”
“I need you. Don’t go. You have to save me from myself.”
“I will change, I will go and see somebody, just don’t leave me, please.”
These are all empty promises. Remember, words comes easy to us. We will dangle these carrots of penance and insight in order to get you to do what we want. Once that has been secured and you try to cash the cheque that we have written you will find the bank has not only been closed but razed to the ground. It is not a question of there being nothing to cash it against, there is nowhere to cash it.
Treatment is for the weak and foolish. To submit to it is an admission of weakness. In the rare instances that we will, it is only to enable us to get something else that we want or to prevent something drastic happening to us and thus we regard the pay-off as one worth making. We do this safe in the knowledge that any treatment will not be effective because:-
- We use our manipulative wiles to con the person treating us into concluding that there is nothing wrong with us;
- We spend the time trying to charm the therapist and this may work or if they are alive to our manipulation they are forced to terminate the work;
- We do not want to change and see the therapist’s actions as a direct challenge which we must thwart. Our energy is channelled into frustrating and defeating him or her and not applying ourselves to the treatment.
- We treat the treatment as a form of fuel.
This results in it being futile.The reality is that those who engage with us are the ones that end up seeking treatment. It is most often the case that our bewildering and confusing conduct towards you has you at your wit’s end. You seek answers and if you are fortunate, you turn to a professional who is fully conversant with out kind.
They are able to illuminate you to what you have endured, assist your understanding and then hold your hand as they take you through the painful and difficult extrication from our grip. You are blessed with insight from this treatment.In certain instances, the abuse we dole out is such that it seriously damages the recipient and therefore treatment is needed to deal with the symptoms of our behaviour towards you. The ramifications for you are serious and have long lasting effects.
We do not seek the treatment. You do. In doing so this is often the first time you actually realise what you have encountered and what you have been subjected to.
20 thoughts on “The Treatment”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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AV,
I don’t have it altogether either. I have bad days and good days, and the only reason I sound stronger is because I don’t have to see Rocks for brains in person anymore. I think I would have thrown something hard and heavy at him by now,if I did have to look at him. If you could see him…..he looks like a Lost Boy reject, the 1987 vampire movie…..yeah, sorry my ET is still in the anger stage…anyway, you’re learning, like all of us here. Be patient with yourself and look how far you’ve come. You know what your ex is all about now and that’s a big piece of solving your problems with him. You’ll get there and HG is here to help and we’re all here for support for each other…at least I think so….lol
I already realized I was with a narcissist prior to going to a therapist. I asked the therapist if he sees many narcissists and he said no, but the ones that do come to therapy only do so as you say, to pretend to seek help. Most of the time they are very hard to diagnose because they completely manipulate the therapist into believing they are just fine.
He was aware of the traits of a narcissist but lacked a true understanding of the depth of manipulation and what it does to the victim. Absolutely no understanding anywhere near the level of the Ultra. No one does!
I pointed the therapist directly to you HG, to educate him and hopefully bring more awareness to himself and to his patients who are victims of narcissistic abuse. He had never heard of the Ultra before! He had to be enlightened.
I actually sent info to my ex narcissist to no avail of course. His narcissism would never allow him to understand what he is. He will never accept there is anything wrong with him or his behaviors.
I helped my ex download a message thread on fb messenger. I found a rather startling discussion near the start of it (paraphrased):
A: I just escaped from my bf. He is a narcissist and a sociopath.
B: Good for you. I know just what you mean, I had a friend with the same problem. We are both affected by this disease.
A: He won’t get help. They don’t think they need it.
B: You can talk to me, I will listen any time.
“B” is my ex. “A” is a woman I suspect he was hoping to get lucky with.
I highly doubt that my ex has any idea that he’s a narcissist. I asked him once if he ever experiences remorse. He said, sometimes when he was a kid. Makes me wonder what happened since then. Has he always been this way? Could an injury have destroyed his empathy?
It’s easy to see why you wouldn’t get help if it isn’t bothering you any. But some narcs may not be so lucky. I don’t think my ex is getting everything he wants out of life, like a primary partner. Maybe he needs lessons on being a better narcissist.
I only see one comment here.
Savory Truffle, very interesting comment about your ex. It does sound like he was probably trying to get “ lucky” that’s what their game is, to get that new supply.
About six months after breaking up with my ex narc I accidentally came across an email with his LinkedIn profile (it was there and I got weak and looked at it instead of deleting it straight away) that said he was an established writer with the most ridiculous picture of himself with cigarette in hand and gazing off into the distance trying to look suave and studious!
Dork! 😂
He never once mentioned writing anything or being interested in such things in our relationship and I never saw anything that would indicate he did this in any capacity.
They are such liars and fake people it is truly astounding! Who knows, my ex is probably out there posing as a MD now or a high ranking military officer!
He reminds me of Frank Abagnale Jr, the con man portrayed in the movie Catch Me if You Can with Leonardo DeCaprio except my ex is no where near that intelligent. 😂
Hi Wendy, I learned yesterday that my ex is now posing as the leader of an AA group. Haha, a lying sack of shit in a position such as that. And my daughter says “He’s dealing with his addiction.”, as if that’s his problem. So easily people can believe these people are good. My children don’t know what went on in that marriage. I can’t tell them, he would just twist it to his advantage. And I don’t want them to know anyway. But I can see he’s still playing his games, I need to protect myself.
Why are you receiving information about the narcissist? No contact breach.
Ooohhh, very good point! I’ll tell my kids not to talk to me about him anymore, and it was me that started it, so I’ll stop. Thank you! I totally didn’t even think of that!
HG, it was just over a year ago when I saw my friend and she was ‘offering’ the information about that MRN (and others in the same workplace), I “deflected” by saying as soon as you have started your new job, I would go ‘no contact’ with them. That is how I ‘stopped’ the “breach”, on her part. She had great satisfaction that she was ‘upgrading’ into her field of work that she is so suitable for. She loved her role but hated the bullying at the previous workplace, it was impacting her ET more than was ‘justified’ – the quality of her work was not lacking but the impact of her bosses treatment of her was spilling out into her friendships outside the workplace. She’d asked her new employers for reasonable adjustments and that was provided before she started working for them.
Talking about N. gives some masochistic pleasure.
Information about N. satisfies an unhealthy curiosity.
I would like to get to the point, where he becomes boring and disgusting. I know, it’s possible. But excess is needed. He disappears, when I am close to that point. I can’t get out of this loop.
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AV, you were at that point. It’s a pity to destroy.
Joa, have no fear, I will not let him destroy me or my progress. I am terrified, if I’m 100% honest, more than I have been in a long time. But I will not give him the satisfaction of taking what I’ve learned and perverting it.
I get zero pleasure from talking about him, it makes me sick. Also, there only curiosity is to know what may be coming. I don’t need any further of either and I am thankful for HG’s warning and, though I’m not sure what is needed yet to get to neutral with my ex, I have full confidence that HG will steer me correctly. He can do the same for you, get you out of that loop. It’s more about understanding why we respond the way we do and seeing why that’s unhealthy, then getting the vision of what healthy looks like and focusing on that. For me, having done this, zero desire for unhealthy again, I just need to know how to fend off his coming attacks. I know that since he’s here, they will come. I may lose my kids, or at least dinner of them, over it. Until they see the truth. This makes me more sad than anything else ever could. It is my biggest threat also, it makes me panicky and defeated before it’s even begun. But it already has begun, and I need to step up and be ready for anything. I think a lot of it is a mind game with myself, he beat me for a long time, am I going to allow him to do so again?
My phone autocorrected “some” to dinner a lot. Sorry. Also he didn’t beat me literally, he beat me at the games because I didn’t understand them, I didn’t even realize we were playing games really. But I am scared. Why can’t I ever just get on my feet for five minutes. Ugh.
AV, lucky he didn’t hit you! At first I thought so…
“My N” dared not touch me. Sometimes he only held me down by force, when I was crazy with emotions, which at the same time irritated me and made me laugh. But from his stories, between the lines, my guess is that his wife, whom he later married, did not have that privilege… 🙁
N1 only strangled me once and that was enough. For me, physical violence means the end.
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I am concerned, that your son is involved in this, he wants to defend you and you are afraid, that he will do something. That’s bad. You must have shown or said too much. The son should focus on his life, not sit by you or be a shield between you and him.
Don’t put a burden on his young shoulders, please…
It’s you must be the shield. Don’t be afraid. It is only human. Focus on the positive things, the beauty that is in people and in you.
I feel like you are vibrating. I am hugging you.
Joa, no, I would NEVER burden my son, or my daughters, with defending me! Never! He is angry all on his own about being left fatherless, it has nothing to do with me. He is a highly trained Tae kwon do expert also and is only afraid of his emotions, his anger. I am glad for the highly trained part, it will keep him in check. He will not hurt someone who is not attacking him, but he was expressing his anger toward his father to me in his statement, that is all. I have been and will continue to be, as I am allowed, a shield between them and him. I am not afraid to stand between them, not one bit.
One daughter has decided to take me out of the equation, I am fine with that, she has a husband who can shield her now. And, I am much calmer about the whole thing today than I was when I wrote the original comment about this. I have listened to Fear and the Empathic Victim and looked at the logic involved. I refuse to allow him to disrupt my equilibrium any further. Thank you for your concern, I do appreciate it a ton, and the virtual hugs…they’re the only kind I like…😁
Hi AV, that is too funny! “ lying sack of shit” haha.
You do need to protect yourself against him. I breached my no contact with mine too when I clicked on the email I shouldn’t have! But, I got right back on the wagon and started all over again.
I would be tempted to hear about him if someone offered the info but I hope I can cut it off before that happens!
It’s not likely since we had no common friends or acquaintances and we live in different states. Although, who knows, a flying monkey can appear out of nowhere!
Wendy, you are lucky to have no connections. I want to move far away but I want to be here for my kids and grandkids. It’s a conundrum.
AV,
“Ooohhh, very good point! I’ll tell my kids not to talk to me about him anymore, and it was me that started it, so I’ll stop. Thank you! I totally didn’t even think of that!”
I am sorry your ex has come up on your radar recently, AV. It is unnerving for sure.
I’ve had a similar experience just recently. At the beginning of the school year, in speaking with my son’s teacher, I established that I follow a ‘no contact’ policy with his father. Including that I don’t speak about him. I have stood by my word, with one exception where I had to speak in defense of my son.
On Valentine’s Day, my son’s father tried to have something delivered directly to the school for his son. He emailed the teacher in advance that morning which caused her to call me since she didn’t know how to proceed. (He can’t visit his son at school, or unsupervised, so this delivery was a grey area.) Because he involved the school in our matters, I had to get involved to shut it down.
I ended up giving them a blanket policy about not approving any deliveries, via the school, for my son. Therefore, they had to turn it away without my son ever knowing.
That was quite out of the blue, but makes sense because I am coming up on my ex’s radar through our legal matter.
It can really do a number on our NC.
I hope you’re able to establish parameters on it with your children, that would go a long way to helping you feel better.
Who cares, unnerving is a good word for it. I am impressed with your NC steps, I will take similar ones with my children when I see each one. It shouldn’t be a problem, that daughter that has been seeing her dad hasn’t mentioned it to me in two years. It will be the other daughters and possibly my son. I told him he can talk to me as needed for support but he understands I follow NC regarding his dad and I believe will respect that.
It is interesting how they never really go away isn’t it. I had not fully understood this until now. Thank you for your comment, it is very helpful.
I could really see my ex pushing that “we have so much in common” line. In later parts of the message thread I saw him try to make some more non-too-subtle attempts at an Emotional Connection. But the girl didn’t seem to be taking the bait; she didn’t give much of a response at all. Probably thinking “Oh no, not another one.”
That conversation happened long before we broke up, back when I still thought he was a good guy. We had just met this girl, and given her a ride somewhere. He was real quick to remind her of his existence.
Crap like this is probably why I keep helping him with computer stuff. He leaves so much evidence to study. 😀