Malice
There are times when the hatred, the vitriol and the malice can no longer be contained. They must be unleashed. Most often, this occurs as a consequence of the ignition of fury which arises as a response to the wounding which happens because we have been criticised. The ignited fury may, with those of us with greater control thresholds, be kept under control, especially if we are mindful of the impact it may have upon the facade. Sometimes, we cannot exert that control and heated or cold fury erupts from us, seeking to provoke a reaction from you and others which will draw fuel and in turn address the wound so the fury in time abates.
Then there are the times when there is a need to spread hurt, cause pain, to shock and to lash out.
It is not an uncontrolled and haphazard spewing forth of hatred, a dervish that lashes out at all around him or her, drawing looks of horror, hurt and annoyance. Such a frenzied response is one associated with the loss of control which occurs through the ignition of fury. This is a calculated exercise in drawing negative fuel for the purposes of letting this awful and treacherous world and its traitorous minions know that there is a blazing hatred at our core, a permanent state of malicious and venomous antipathy for everybody around us. We have no interest in donning a mask of charm or magnetism. There is no desire to present a facade on such occasions. Our seething, savage malcontent must emerge and be branded on all those who are unfortunate enough to cross our path.
It may start at any point in the day. It may be that on wakening we feel it there, the corrosive taint of malice which has to be allowed to surface. We may, in less experienced times, have thought that the provision of positive fuel would cause this sensation to lessen and to vanish, but it does not. For some reason, some deep and dark reason, only negative fuel will suffice. I have experienced this on several occasions. I now recognise it. It is the desire to destroy, to hurt, to maim and I know that until such time as I have drunk deep of the negative fuel that flows from such actions, I will not be able to stop and cause this sensation to vanish. I can feel it inside of me – it is not fury, but rather a visceral and powerful hatred for everything and everyone. A bilious sensation sat in my core and I must obey it. It is allied to the ever present hunger for fuel, but only negative will do. It is as if some ancient wrong can only ever be reconciled through the application of repeated wrongs, as if that historic crime has to be repeated and replicated in the here and now and in so doing, by giving it such an exposure and airing, release is achieved.
Something wicked from way back when must be allowed to manifest now.
And so the day is one of vicious behaviours. The morning greeting from the neighbour is met with an instruction to him to “get fucked” or to invite him to keep an eye on that “whore of his wife and her afternoon visitors”. His shocked response is seen from peripheral vision, the first drops of negative fuel trickling my way as I march to my vehicle and enter it. The cocooning effect of the magnificent car does nothing to remove the malice. On the drive to the office, those talking on the radio are routinely lambasted for the idiocy – they cannot hear me but it does not matter – they must still be told. The window is lowered and a pair of young women walking along the road are shouted at, the single insult of “sluts” trailing after me as I drive past. The cyclist is pilloried for being a “latex clad wanker”, the person waiting at the zebra crossing jumps back as I fail to yield to them and give them the finger as I sail by.
Sat in idling traffic I endeavour to catch the eye of the driver behind or in front and goad them with hand gestures.
“Come on, come on, get out,” I hiss to myself, hoping they will emerge from their vehicle and challenge me. Just do it, give me the provocation I am looking for and I can unleash yet more of this malice which is surging through me. Today they perhaps see what glints in my darkened eyes and do no more than retaliate with their own gestures before the traffic moves on and we become separated.
The barista in the cafe asks for my order and my name in that ridiculous manner of theirs. All I want is tea, not some imported affectation of a grand ho cho or some ridiculous coffee which is whipped, flavoured, syrup and sprinkled. I give the name “Farquhar” and say it in a tone which tells him that if he dares, if he fucking dares to ask me how to spell that name I will seize several of these over-priced muffins in the display and force them into his spluttering mouth one by one. He does not ask and his cake choking is avoided.
Of course when the beverage arrives, I see “Farkwar” daubed in the hand-writing of a five year old on the side. I lift the cup and speak,
“Excuse me,” I say coolly. The barista turns and looks at me. Already hesitation is gripping him.
“Yes?” he asks.
“Are you some kind of epsilon semi-moron.” I say. Although it should be a question, it sounds more like a statement as I point at the scrawl on the cup. He says nothing, unsure of what to say and what I will do.
“Is that wrong? I’m sorry,” he offers.
I hold his gaze, my dark glare boring into him as I contemplate setting alight his extensive beard. He looks away at the floor within a couple of seconds. I know everybody else in this store is looking at me. Good.
I shake my head.
“You should have tried harder at school you fucking quarter wit,” I announce and turn, shoving past those behind me. There are no protests.
And so it goes. The receptionist is told she looks slovenly when I enter the office. The office junior is snarled at to get out of the way. I find fault with everything that those working for me do. I draw tears from one annihilated associate as I subject him to a five minute tirade as to the inadequacies of his report, banishing him from my room as if exiling him from my kingdom. He is the third person who has entered my office and been subjected to my malice and it is not even mid-morning.
My secretary pokes her head around the door.
“Is everything okay?” she asks.
I pause and look up from my computer and apply the charm of the smile.
“Absolutely great. Could not be better. First class. Tip top. Superb.” I confirm as I reel off a range of synonyms for all being well. Most will be branded with my malice today but not her. She is a loyal Lieutenant and this time she is exempt, besides, what better way to really mess with the heads of those beneath me is to have my secretary say,
“He was fine with me,” if they come crawling back trying to ascertain what is wrong.
E-mails receive curt replies. Those who telephone are subjected to a savage dissection of their proposal which leaves them speechless. Instructions are barked, injunctions issued and idiots torn apart. The malice remains, powering the nasty and unpleasant behaviours but never surging out of control. It is as if this malice recognises that it does some good to put some stick about, to let people know that they have to earn my grace and favour, that they ought to be on their toes, alert and mindful that their elevated position can be removed in an instant. Few ever challenge, most retreat horrified, alarmed and hurt. Those that do fight back but they are then subjected to fiercer malice as they are intimidated until they break away, muttering and still hurling insults. It matters not, it is all negative fuel.
In another place this malice would have manifested through the application of physical violence. The punches and kicks traded with those stroppy waxwork faces as part of the understanding that this is what happens in such an arena. In another place again, this malice would surface through the cruelty and humiliation of the one supposedly closest to me in the most intimate of settings. In yet another place, this malice would appear as the event wrecking ball, leaving nothing standing.
But today it happens in this place and this means that verbal abuse, insults, savage tongue, baleful glare and acidic responses are the appropriate ways in which the malice makes itself felt and draws of the negative fuel.
Some who are the recipients are strangers and our paths will not cross again. Others may regard me warily until the usual charm appears and they are put at ease. Most know better than to make it appear on another day through the ignition of fury. Occasionally there are those who will take it further. A demand for an apology, a raised grievance through formal channels and even a complaint to the authorities. In those rare instances the matter is dealt with through the restoration of persuasion and magnetism. A reward is offered to avoid the issue, charm negates the challenge or even a supposedly heart-felt apology is provided. They are, after all, just words and of course the relief, pleasure and gratitude espoused by the other person is all positive fuel, welcomed on the alternative occasion. There is not one who has been on the receiving end of the malice who cannot be brought back into line once again. All people have a price.
When this malice appears in this form, the entrenched and ancient right exercising its need to be aired, after a day of caustic comments, vicious volleys and sarcastic smiles, with the negative fuel swallowed up, I return and there is a beneficiary of all this vitriol. Having allowed the malice to be known, to let it stretch its legs and flex its muscles, it retreats, for now and as I arrive at your house or return to ours, you receive the positive side of this contrast for once. Even if you, as primary source, are being devalued, you will be given a sudden respite and the resurrection of the golden period. Your surprise and delight at its return brings forth the positive fuel in significant quantities and it washes over me, replacing the now receded malice. Your positive fuel is now required and thus the devaluation is halted as you are seen as a sanctuary of delight compared to those who have annoyed, irritated and crossed me during the day. It may not last long, but for today at least, the malice was given vent and now you benefit from its sustained application.
Even when I am malicious, I am good.
19 thoughts on “Malice”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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Rebecca, your comment puts into words my experience and I believe that of many others here also. Thank you for writing it! And for sharing your experiences, they help me a lot! I hope your therapist is supportive of your experience with HG and also willing to learn from him.
AV,
My therapist is very supportive of me coming here for answers and support. He already checked out the blog and the YT channel. He’s pleased with my progress too.
Good to read.
HG,
My therapist told me earlier this week that I now know more than he knows about narcissist. I told him, to learn more here. 🙃❤
Thanks HG 🙃❤
Rebecca, I am so happy to hear that your therapist is supportive and even checking HG’s materials out, I hope many more do so and HG’s materials become mainstreamed for dealing with narcissists! It is exciting, every professional who does embrace his work is a step in the right direction!
About bloody time!
Meanwhile, Duchess Sizzler is finally (supposedly) coughing up a podcast. I submitted a post to the DM article–“I can hardly wait–for HG Tudor’s sporking”–but I’ll be very much surprised if they let it through. They’re being rather careful with her these days. Moderation isn’t so strict on Putin, so I’ll be referring readers to the vid. A lot of Tudorites were hoping there would be one to clarify what is going on, when there were so many conflicting opinions in the media.
Rebecca, that is excellent to know that there is a good therapist and one that listens to you. It is encouraging to read that the therapist also supports you accessing HG’s work to aid you further on your journey of improved well-being all around 🙂
AV,
It’ll be interesting to see what my therapist thinks about the narcsite and the YT channel. I’m looking forward to our next discussion. I hope HG doesn’t mind…..my therapist is impressed by how much I know and I told him, I learned most of it here and there’s people on here that know more than me. I’m but, an infant compared to some of the knowledge people have on here. I enjoy finding my answers and chatting with all of you. It was so frustrating trying to get people, who haven’t been through it, to understand it. I’m glad I found this place,it really saved me, no joke. I’m so grateful to HG for providing all this knowledge, the time he spends on it, the people here are so supportive too. My husband doesn’t get it,but this is my journey and I have to be the one who climbs the mountain to the tippy top. Good thing I enjoy climbing and learning. 🙃
HG,
I got your reference to Farquhar of Scottish origins, but it’s also the character from Shrek, Lord Farquhar and he was very much a narcissist. Did you mean that reference too? Just thought it was funny and yes, I’m watching Shrek on Netflix. It’s funny. What? Lol
I have to say that whenever I see this article now, I remember that woman and that shopping trolley on my car…..she was a malfunctioning ‘something’ (I am laughing as I type this :-)). Well, I was “created”, hence my being a ‘bitch’…… (this little sweet kitty can either be content and purring, or, hissing like one that should not be approached).
Re-reading this article and remembering a comment that I wrote, using the words “Certainly not by some pissant ignorant little shit”. I suppose I can suggest that by my writing these words, I can understand a bit more about the ‘malice’ as written in this article. At the occasions where my sister and I were receiving negative / unprovoked comment from someone (ie some asshole) who did not know about what we ‘endured’ at home, there would be a sudden drop in emotional empathy, instant ‘wall of defences’ drawn up and retaliation against our “attacker(s)”. It is what we “learned” as part of our “adaption(s)” from young children into adults.
On this blog, we talk about reduced emotional empathy, at times, that can be ‘flicked’ at a switch, on / off quite quickly for some people and slower “responses” by others. Variations between people and their own individual experiences of abuse.
For some people, it can be a ‘trigger’ of their own past(s) and totally unrelated to others around them for the remainder of the time period (however long that is, minutes, hours, days, etc). Some people ‘project’ their frustration / ‘triggers’ onto other people. Why? “A lack of control now returns us to the lack of control then”. Sometimes, it could even be a date in the calendar ie the date of the traumatic experience. Whether that is a ‘loss’ of a ‘security’ (a person, a place, a ‘sanctuary’ of some kind). Sometimes it could be a ‘loss’ of control in the now (present).
Malice is not necessarily a physical ‘action’. It can sometimes result as a ‘reaction’ rather than an ‘action’.
Sometimes it can be a ‘calculated’ action / reaction. Prime example, that fu*ken Sasquatch that lived next door. He is no Greater narcissist, not smart enough.
Asp Emp,
I know what you mean, I have triggers with my temper too. I think, like you, it’s from past abuse and the anger that’s left afterwards inside us, just waiting to ignite again and again. For me, just getting hit sets me off,but it has to be a malicious hit, not a playful one. Saying certain things to me will just cause me to say something smart back. With me it’s mainly just physical pain that causes me to snap, or hurting someone else, in front of me. What are your triggers? What causes you to snap?
Rebecca, it is the ‘past’ that caused the initial (buried) anger to ‘form’ and be easily ignited. What I have learned on HG’s blog is how to recognise those ‘triggers’ and also manage how I ‘react’ to the triggers – it is clear to me on my own personal journey here. It is about understanding ET / LT and learning how to manage it better. ‘Triggers’ will vary in “measurement” (the level of the emotional response to something said / done, directly or indirectly) – some people will be ‘affected’ by the same ‘trigger’ (ie ‘collective’, not necessarily always the ‘sheep-herding’ response), for others (as individuals), directly to do with past memories.
When a narcissist asks you what ‘sets’ you off, you are effectively sharing your weaknesses so that they can use these ‘manipulations’ against you at some point – in order to affect the type of fuel from you. The aware narcissist is ‘planning’ ahead, the unaware narcissist is prompted by their instincts.
What causes me to snap? Pissant ignorant little shits 😉 It depends who / what / when / how – let’s put it this way – nobody should try 😉
Asp Emp,
My rage trigger is easy, threaten anyone I care about and being physically hit with malicious intentions and its on and active. I still have control of it. I control my rage, it doesn’t control me. Like you, people think I’m an easy target. They see I’m only 5’1″ and about 105 lbs, and they think she’s weak and kind, this will be easy pickings. Lol Go ahead, scare me. I’m scared, might even tear up, but awaken my rage and I’m a different person. It’s not pretty, cute or funny. It’s real, dangerous and unforgettable. My tiger that sleeps,until it’s awakened. I don’t like people to see it. I especially don’t like people, with whom I enjoy in my life, to see it and fight with it. I’m afraid they’ll leave and it’s my fault. My husband, my parents, my brother, my stepdaughter and my best friend, all have seen me in a rage, none of them wanted or want to see it again. It’s part of me, it’s my self defense mechanism. My champion, my defender because no one else stepped up to protect me, just me.
Wow Rebecca, your comment here really struck a nerve in me. I have recently been realizing that my triggers cause me to just feel like crap. They don’t ignite anger but instead take me right back to the hopeless, crappy feelings I had when things happened to me as a child, and making me feel helpless also. I am starting to feel these responses and starting to recognize what they attach to which is allowing me to pay attention to them. This gives ME the opportunity to decide if they’re valid or not! No longer do I have to just accept these messages and function from that point! No longer do the narcs who’ve been in my life get to control me through these lingering messages! It is so freeing! I wish it would’ve happened much earlier in my life but better now than never! I am so impressed by your quick grasp of all these things, it has taken me so long, so much hard work, so much time to get to this point! You are doing so well and I’m so happy that I think I will be okay also. It is a great day! 😃
AV,
I’m glad my new awareness has given you hope in your life.❤ I hope we both continue to grow in our knowledge of ourselves,what happened to us and our environments. HG has offered us help with this journey and I’m relieved and happy to accept his help.
My therapist told me the same thing. Lol He said he was impressed by how quickly I’m improving and getting stronger. I told him about how HGs blog, his videos and some of you supporters here, has helped me. He actually asked me if I wanted to continue seeing him. I told him yes, because I still want his opinion on things and his perspective, and I also want HGs opinions and perspective. I told him I want to bounce ideas and thoughts between the both of them. I hope HG doesn’t mind?? My therapist said he was going to check out HGs narcsite and YT channel. We should have an interesting discussion the next we meet. I wish I could talk with HG for hours on different topics. I enjoy deep discussions,hate small talk. One of the things that disappointed me about my recent narcissist, he wasn’t much for the deep discussions. He didn’t know a wide range of subjects, like I enjoy discussing.
I showed him, my recent narc, an old glass insulator for old copper wires and he had an electricians degree, and didn’t know what it was. I told him and he still didn’t believe me. He said, it looked like a glass dildo…leave it to him to think phallic imagery….as I roll my eyes and shake my head, dumbass. I was trying to have a serious discussion and he was thinking with the wrong head. How frustrating, how immature. This is why I’ve had my fill of the Lower and Mid-rangers, they’re all I’ve had in my face to face experiences in my life. Auuuggghhh, go away!
Hi Rebecca,
Tell me about it. Boring, repetitive conversations for 23 years, nothing new in all that time with my ex. I’ve had my fill of them also. Even though my dad was very smart and could converse on anything, he often would just give a silent treatment, so what good did it do? I think that’s a great plan, to still talk to your in person therapist also, to bounce ideas around, and so forth. I never found one that helped me much, HG has cleared it all up for me in a relative hurry. I am grateful to him for doing so. And sending your therapist to HG’s materials is excellent. I wish many more professionals would adopt his thinking to help the people they work with.