No Good Advice

NO-GOOD-ADVICE

 

Relationship advice. The internet is awash with it. Sites, blogs, question and answer sessions, videos on YouTube there is a plethora of advice about how to deal with the problems which arise in intimate relationships.

I decided recently to have a good look through many of these sites and gather together the common complaints which people raise when they submit their issues. There are plenty of submissions, thousands upon thousands of people complaining about the issues in their relationships. Oddly enough, I noticed a common thread with many of these complaints where people had written in to seek advice or explained their circumstances. Time and time again I saw the following:-

“Everything was wonderful to begin with, he swept me off my feet.”

“She made me feel like a king and it was just what I needed after how horrible my marriage had been.”

“I was taken aback by how loving he was, but it felt so good to be treated that way after everything that I had been through.”

“He told me how he had been hurt before and didn’t want to go through that again.”

“His ex-wife was horrible to him and he had been hurt but wanted to ensure everything was right between us.”

“Everything was marvellous for a few months and then he changed.”

“I didn’t know him anymore.”

“He started controlling me.”

“She told me who I could see.”

“He started to isolate me from family and friends.”

“He would flirt with other women.”

“She spent all of her time on the internet doing Lord knows what.”

“He never listens to me.”

“He became abusive.”

“The sex was amazing at first but then it just stopped.”

“He was so loving and attentive in bed but then he started suggesting threesomes and kinky stuff which I didn’t like.”

“He started to make decisions for me.”

“She would lose her temper over the smallest thing.”

“He would disappear for days on end and I was sick with worry.”

“He would not speak to me for several days even though I had done nothing wrong.”

“He started hitting me. He said sorry afterwards and seemed remorseful for what he had done, blaming it on seeing his dad beat him mum when he was young.”

“He doesn’t like anything I do any more, he puts me down.”

“Its like living with Jekyll and Hyde.”

“He just never contacted me again. I still don’t know what has happened.”

“He told me he couldn’t be with me anymore as he needed time to himself and then two days later I see him post about a new girlfriend on social media.”

“He was unfaithful to me repeatedly.”

“I still miss her after everything she has done.”

“I am financially ruined, stressed but I still love him.”

“Why can’t it be like it was in the beginning?”

“I want him back.”

I should imagine that all of you will be nodding at these comments for two reasons. First of all, you remember saying them yourself or something similar. Secondly, you now realise what was actually behind these behaviours. People like me.

Over and over again I saw questions and tales which all had the common theme of ‘Brilliant start, he became someone else, dumped me, I was heartbroken.’ Hundreds upon hundreds of these stories, these tales of misery and woe. A litany of despondency and confusion that has been piled up in the inboxes of the relationship advisors and gurus. I scrolled through them all, reading the replies, the advice and the suggestions. I read the analysis, I digested the observations and spent some considerable time doing so. What did I see?

Not one person raised the possibility that the person seeking advice had become involved with a narcissist. Not one.

Many of these blogs and relationship advice sites were clearly popular. Some were established names, linked to lifestyle magazines and newspapers. Many directed you to their services for counselling and relationship tool kits. Many of them trotted out similar comments and platitudes. Too often they read like the first world tribulations of a scene from Sex and the City rather than the abusive, destructive and harmful actions of dangerous narcissists.

Yet not one of them raised the suggestion that a narcissist was involved.

Now, naturally it is not the case that behind every relationship woe there is a narcissist but I know that those of you reading this, with the benefit of the enlightenment you have achieved knows that there is a good chance that problems of this nature as described repeatedly in the problems pages of these sites are something to do with people like my kind. Yet nobody was offering this as a possibility. That shows the scale of how easy it is for us to do what we do and pass undetected. It shows the staggering lack of knowledge about what we do say, think and do and the naivety of so many people, including those who apparently understand relationship dynamics.

Instead, I saw standard and repeated responses such as:-

“He is clearly a commitment phobe.”

No, he doesn’t want to spend time with you because he is devaluing you and is actually seducing someone else at the current time.

“You have outgrown each other.”

No, you never grew together to begin with because it was all predicated on an illusion and his lack of interest now is symptomatic of his interest being elsewhere.

“He may just be tired or stressed from working hard to support you and your children.”

Yes or he might be a narcissist who uses his rage to intimidate and control you.

You may have unrealistic expectations about the relationship.”

Damn right you do and we all know why that has happened don’t we?

You need him to take responsibility for his actions. He cannot keep blaming you for everything.”

Good luck with that one.

“He just might not be into you.”

Half-right I suppose, he just isn’t in to you fuel anymore, he is in to somebody else’s.

“He might be bored with life and not you. Try harder to interest him.”

Again, good luck with that one.

“Relationships require hard work. Don’t give up. Keep working at it and you can overcome the problems together.”

You have just been told to sign your own death warrant there.

“Some people have anger issues but that can managed with understanding and therapy.”

Or they have fury which ignites at the slightest provocation and always will.

“Being hurt is an inevitable part of a relationship.”

It is if you get ensnared by my kind.

I am not suggesting that every problem in a relationship is as a consequence of the other party being a narcissist, that is unrealistic. However, the number of times I read about what was clearly the narcissistic dynamic of seduction, devaluation and discard was significant. The monumental amount of times that I recognised narcissistic manipulations – rage attacks, silent treatments, triangulation, intimidation, bullying, gas lighting and so forth – in so many posts did not surprised me but they were not picked up on. Many times these manipulations were not isolated events. There were repeated occasions and also differing types of the manipulations which when combined and repeated point in one direction.

The advice and platitudes that were provided to people who were clearly, not just possibly, but clearly entangled with a narcissist, were way off the mark. The descriptions and answers I have listed above were the ones which were provided to people and at best this would mean the person would remain clueless and stuck with no appropriate solution and at worst they were providing advice which would harm the individual who had sought the advice.

I was not surprised by this erroneous advice. I was not amazed by this omission of our kind from the explanations. I was not taken aback by the scale of people complaining about what was clearly narcissistic abuse but not being told as such.

This is why we are able to do what we do.

This is why we are able to move amongst people, ensnare fresh victims and maintain our veneer of respectability.

This is why what we do is passed off as something else. Euphemised, diluted, lessened and made to seem like a standard relationship hiccup.

This is why ignorance is so harmful.

This is why we remain so effective.

This is why we remain so dangerous.

7 thoughts on “No Good Advice

  1. Asp Emp says:

    “The monumental amount of times that I recognised narcissistic manipulations – rage attacks, silent treatments, triangulation, intimidation, bullying, gas lighting and so forth – in so many posts did not surprised me but they were not picked up on. Many times these manipulations were not isolated events. There were repeated occasions and also differing types of the manipulations which when combined and repeated point in one direction.” and “at worst they were providing advice which would harm the individual who had sought the advice.”

    No “good advice” is better than “bad advice”.

    Some people can ‘see’ it.
    Some people can’t.
    Some people won’t see it.

  2. HGisthebest says:

    This article is awesome HG. Everyone should read it and share. When my ex narcissist was trying to ensnare me I was only 20 years old, he was 26. At that time I had no idea what psychopathy and narcissism was. He asked me out. But I was not in love with him. I just wanted to spend some time with someone. I suffered from depression at that time and I was lonely because I did not have many friends in that place of work. I noticed that he behaved a bit strange but I didn’t do anything about it. He started questioning me ( like an interrogation) about my family, my past, my former relationships. For example, he asked me “how many boyfriends have you had before”. I did not want to talk about it. And then he told me that he prefers sexually experienced girls because that kind of girls don’t want to go to bed with someone else. (I have no idea how he came into this conclusion). He knew that I hadn’t had any boyfriend before, and he wanted to gain fuel from me. Now I think that he wanted me to adore and admire him but I didn’t do it, and he started devaluation process because of it.
    HG What do you think? If a narcissist wants to seduce his victim and the victim does not adore him and does not admire him, will the narcissist punish his victim and devalue her?

  3. Empath007 says:

    I just had dinner with my narc. And you guys… I am SO HAPPY I saw him. Not for the reason you’d think… not for the reasons you’d think at all… but because for the first time in 4 years… I hAve REAL closure. He basically said he wasn’t interested in opening things back up, because I deserve better and he couldn’t ever give me what I needed in a relationship. We talked about being an empath and narc and how we had a toxic love.

    It was amazing. It was so much better then I could have ever thought – and while I don’t recommend this to anyone…. I’m so happy I saw him today

  4. Lin 44 says:

    This is so spot on, and I almost feel like the luckiest girl in the world to be on the inside now. 

    For all the years of wondering how others could happily go visit their family… or so it seemed.

    They appeared to look forward to a family get togethers, vacations. Hearing others speak of this was like a Hallmark movie in my daydreams. Always looking from the outside in. 

    Reading blog post after blog post about how “you can always rely on family’ or “family always has your back” etc… I knew it didn’t make sense. 

    I remember one day thinking…I never thought my life would turn out like this…”I don’t trust my sibling, I don’t trust my mom, and I’m glad my bastard father is dead.”

    I felt like an alien. I never experienced the Hallmark movie image people seemed to discuss. I remember my father even one time saying “you and brother will become close as you get older.”

    I remember innately knowing this would never happen.

    And it didn’t.

    I had no idea I was literally covered in narcs. No wonder I would hear people say things like “most people are good and want to do good” and I would think…huh..what kind of koolaid are you drinking?? No, most people are not innately good people to just trust. I need to keep them in check. Now I know why there was this difference.

    Almost everything society says is an illusion.
     
    People just don’t talk about this shit and admit it. So many people have fucked up families. 

    From my experience, I can attest to HG’s assessment of 1 out of 6 being narcs…it’s spot on. I trust real life experience.

    My list of past narcs keeps getting longer. It’s in absolute amazement. Astonishment mixed with a bit of sadness, etc.

    I am beginning to feel so much freedom. The curtain is being pulled back. 

    I hardly have words about how my life is going to change, with this new lens of glasses. I have not visited my narc family in over a decade. 

    I stopped listening to society’s bad advice a long time ago. I will admit, it is now freeing to finally understand why this person, and that person, etc. etc. caused so many problems. 

    I am almost feel like I am being mirrored because this is fitting so perfectly.. LOL! HG…can this be true? It’s like this feeling is perfect. The freedom and curtain being pulled back.

    I have not finished the” America You are Being Conned”…but it is excellent so far. I will be finishing it. I am spread so thin is all.

    I feel like it’s when you discover your government has been lying to you about the BS poisons they are putting in your food supply, and you just blindly listen to the big corps. And you don’t question it. 

    The answers are coming so fast. I feel like my entire life is being decoded and I couldn’t be more excited.

    I now get to live the remainder of my life “in the know” and I haven’t even gotten half way through the studies yet. I

    f this is the biggest con ever and a psychopath is going to gain a bunch of empath followers…then lead us on.

    Because the only thing I am gaining is knowledge and positivity now.

    I see so many interactions in business, etc. from this narc perspective now.

    Thank you for sharing.

    People aren’t ready yet. But when they are, it’s going to be bigger than you ever imagined. .

    .

  5. Francine says:

    HG can a narcissistic person be a codependent. Or is that only reserve for empath’s.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, it is a school of empath.

  6. Francine says:

    Excellent excellent excellent article. There are many relationship books that will tell women how to win a battle with a narcissist but they will never ever tell you you will never win the war and even if you do win a battle what did you win prolonged misery with someone who is incapable of loving you. Very dangerous true and a waste of time and energy. But most importantly keeping you in the addiction. If I can win the narcissist love then I’m valuable I’ve proven my worth and I’ve won That battle that I could not win with that prominent narcissist in my childhood. Never going to happen… And that’s okay f*** them. Get out stay out run.

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