Why The MatriNarc Knows Best



“I love you.”

“I have heard this is a good one for getting a reaction from you because this is what you always want to hear.”


“You won’t ever amount to anything.”

“Not while I am interfering in every facet of your life, controlling you and making your childhood and your adult life one long battle.”


I just thought I would call you and see how you are.”

“You do not give me enough fuel. You are an ungrateful son/daughter and I regret the day I gave birth to you.”


“It is my birthday next week and I just wondered if you had anything planned.”

“I expect something lavish and spectacular so I can be centre stage. If you haven’t planned such an event you are cruel and uncaring, just as I always thought.”


“I am proud of you.”

“For once you have done something I approve of and now I can take all the credit for it.”



“You were quite a challenge when you were younger.”

“I thought you might resist my cold-hearted manipulation of you, but I broke you in the end.”


“I suppose you have heard the sad news about your Uncle Paul dying?”

“A death! A funeral! Such a wonderful stage for me to dominate and all those relatives to suck fuel from.”


“I am trying to help you,you know?”

“I am trying to control you, stop resisting me.”


I have done so much for you. All I want is some thanks.”

“I think I have done so much for you. I need some fuel.”


“It was a joke. You take yourself so seriously.”

“It was not a joke. Damn you for seeing through it. I need to back track quickly so I am not accountable.”


“You were an accident.”

“Go on cry and make me feel powerful.”


“Your father and I have discussed this as we think…”

“I have decided….”


“Your father agrees with me so there is no point running to him.”

“Your father knows better than to contradict me.”


“I had such high hopes for you.”

“You aren’t doing what I want.”


“That never happened.”

“It did but you are not allowed to hold that against me.”


“We never thought you would leave home.”

“You were not meant to move out of my control.”


“We hardly ever see you these days.”

“You should be providing me with fuel more often.”


“You weren’t like this when you were little.”

“You were so much easier to control back then.”


“I don’t love you.”

“I don’t love you. I never have.”


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14 thoughts on “Why The MatriNarc Knows Best

  1. ava101 says:

    “I don’t know why you are so different from us.” and “that never happened.”.
    And all of the above. Though sometimes I think I didn’t function well enough. So why do I keep still repeating the same patterns, and still attract only guys who are like my mother?

    Sometimes I think that my ex didn’t ruin my life, but my own mother.
    The more I think about it all logically (kind of), the older I get – the more horrific and unbelievable I find it all..

    So I had no choice but to develop a self defense mechanism that makes me ignore red flags and bad behaviour towards me, as contradictory as it sounds.
    Vut that’s the tricky part with parents – as a child, it’s a life and death situation, and children bond even when given pain. 2. children don’t know any different.
    Even know when I think back and remember situations, it’s doing my head in. A child has no chance, the patters become hard wired, and here we are.

    1. I think you are speaking for a lot of ACON’s with your comment ava101. I can certainly relate, and the sense of not having a chance to know or do any differently can be quite overwhelming. Many of us have ‘wasted’ a lifetime trying to get to the bottom of what was happening and find ourselves tracing our way back from the most recent narcissist (who brought us here), to the one before that, to the one before that maybe, until eventually we end up with the parental narcissist at the top of the pyramid. The myriad ways we have messed up our lives, and had them messed up for us, lead back to the source. The strange reality is many of us will have respected our parents purely because of the fact they are our parents, all the while knowing some things just didn’t sit right, and continued to give them the benefit of the doubt, ultimately placing that doubt on ourselves.

      It’s incredibly relieving to know “it’s not your fault” when all your life you thought it was … your fault. “It’s not your fault.” “It’s not your fault.” “It’s not your fault.” I need to say that to remind myself. I also need to say that because I found it one of the most moving moments in the movie Good Will Hunting. Matt Damon couldn’t hear those words, but Robin Williams insisted. Taking that on board made all the difference.

      1. A Victor says:

        Hi LET, thank you for this excellent comment, worded perfectly. I have even felt guilty over the “blame” factor, you can’t blame your parents (straight from my mother’s mouth)… But I think it’s definitely okay to let go of that guilt and acknowledge the reasons, with or without blame, because it’s not even about that. It’s about healing. Really great comment.

      2. ava101 says:

        Thank you for your kind words. 🙂 Yes, exactly that. It is just soo frustrating to me, to realized I literally relived the same all my life, and that even now, that I do see red flags and now about narcissism and what happened,…. I still attract the same.
        And in addition, all confidence in my abilities and my intuition was taken from. me. as. a. child. I was thinking through important times as a child or teenager or young adult in my life – – my parents never showed up, and even negated or ignored whatever I did or accomplished. Not only neglected they myself in a way, that they didn’t teach me most basic life skills, but whatever I did accomplish in spite of it was ignored. Unless they took it for themselves.
        Good to hear I am not the only one feeling that way.
        Sounds pathetic but I honestly feel my youth was wasted. 😅

    2. A Victor says:

      Ava101, I used to think “I married my mother!”. Learning about narcissism, I understand why I felt that way. The good news for us is that we can change, we can learn, grow and make different, better choices.

  2. Tom says:

    The matriarch does always know best…’Child..I thought you were brighter than this… it’s your birthday party but I’m too busy shopping… it’s your graduation but I can’t attend..child..why do you cry because I’m off on another 3 month holiday leaving you to look after the house and siblings.. child . you can’t go to school today because I need you…child..why do you never grow old.. child why haven’t you lost any teeth… child..your still alive..’

    1. Joa says:

      I was frozen.

      So my mom was an Angel compared to yours. She tied too tight, too much, giving no space of its own. She always knew better. But not so overtly repulsive. Sometimes she didn’t notice me… Of the two evils, this is probably the better one.

  3. Contagious says:

    Can anyone survive a mother not living them? I guess another family member or substitute can help. But I read the most important years in a child’s development are 1-3. I think that’s when a mothers love becomes self love. A baby cries, you nurture, he or she knows they are important. I suppose if skipped then someone else can teach a child self love later and it doesn’t need to be the mother. How awful. I always wonder when it doesn’t happen where is the village? Anyone? Even in destitute countries children learn to be loved. Mother Theresa spoke about this saying poverty was not just money. She pointed to Western countries like New York City and indicated the lack of family, the lack of community, the lack of love. And we all see them per HG it’s too late for the narcs, they get indoctrinated young but it reminds me of the song by The Rolling Stones: Sympathy for the Devil. I can’t see it happening but think like john Lennon. Imagine a world where no child goes without nurture or love. We have capability. Resources are there. But it’s a utopia but what a world that would be!

    1. Truthseeker6157 says:


      John Lennon. Now there’s a suspect narc if ever I saw one!

      I know what you mean though and agree with the sentiment. Xx

      1. Contagious says:

        I read an article about Emma Thompson in the New Yorker this month edition. She calls herself an empath and she met a semi adult teen from Africa who she “adopted.” He had lost his family in tragic circumstances and she met him at her refugee charity. He says he found out later she was famous. Rich… duh. But his mum gave him a wonderful life. Makes you wonder if it’s not too late for some. ❤️ He may not have the gene but he had the horrors. I know from HG love alone can’t save someone but bravo Emma!

    2. NarcAngel says:

      Mother Teresa. Holy Narcissist? Excellent subject to be placed under the Tudorscope. Let us see how much we think we have learned.

    3. ava101 says:

      My family was always isolated, except for church. I do wonder where I got my values and empathy from There had been only my grandfather who cares, and I saw him maybe twice a year for a couple of days. It’s a mystery to me.

    4. WiserNow says:


      You ask, “where is the village?” I think there is always a ‘village’ but it doesn’t look like a stereotypical village. In Western countries and places like New York City, the ‘village’ is ‘modern life’. It may be child-care centres or health clinics, it may be blogs on the internet or social media. The village may not be physical relationships or tangible social support. And maybe that is where the modern ‘village’ isn’t as effective in helping to raise a child as it was in historical contexts.

      Just today, I read an interesting article about the ‘mother-child dyad’ and in particular, how well-meaning people who believe they are offering constructive advice to exhausted new mothers may actually be doing more harm than good.

      The article details are:
      ‘The Dance of the Dyad: Honoring Mother and Baby amidst Modern Day Sleep Training Culture.’
      By Callie Hamilton
      – found on a website called ‘Slumber and Swoon’
      (By the way, the article is written in an annoying light blue font. I copied and pasted the text into a word document which made it easier to read.)

      An interesting point made in the article is that sleep is a biological function, as is eating and going to the toilet. As a biological function, sleep can’t be ‘taught’. Babies are like adults in that you can’t ‘teach’ an adult to “go to sleep now” because the adult will sleep when the biological need and surrounding environment is conducive to sleep.

      As with adults, babies cannot sleep on command simply because they have been placed in a bed or left in a dark room by themselves. Sleep is not within conscious control. So telling a new mother that it’s important to “teach a baby to sleep” or “let the baby cry it out alone” etc, is misleading.

      The article provides more information about ways that environments can be modified to help babies fall asleep while also allowing the mother to use her intuition and remain connected and responsive.

      The article has more information about the way new mothers are often exhausted and overwhelmed, feeling they need to do everything themselves, which can turn into feelings of discouragement, failure and also depression because they can’t do everything perfectly.

      To offset the feelings of discouragement and failure, the new mother may feel the need to ‘fix’ her baby or receives advice to make the baby more compliant or well-behaved. For example, “Walk away from your child, let him learn to self-soothe, he needs to be an independent sleeper, you’re tired mama,” etc. As the article says, this is providing false ‘quick-fix’ messages that suggest the baby needs ‘fixing’ when there was nothing wrong with the baby in the first place.

      In light of your comment, “where is the village?” I thought this article was interesting. The environment surrounding a mother raising her baby has changed a lot since the times of ‘real villages’. However, the biological and development needs of a baby have not changed that much over time. Somehow, the modern environment mothers and babies are living in needs to adapt to the ‘mother-baby dyad’s’ needs instead of the other way around.

  4. Asp Emp says:

    Commenting previously “I am amused at the Jerry Springer mention. I can totally relate to that. Those shows were a free-for-all. OMG. Damn. PC prevents a possibility of the matrinarcs of today to get a real-bitch slapping” hahahahahahaha

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