Knowing the Narcissist : Thought Fuel
We love fuel. It is our lifeblood. It is what we seek on a daily basis. It powers us. It allows us to exist. It comes from a wide range of suppliers. It comes with varying frequency, potency and effect. Certain people are fountains of fuel, faucets of delicious and edifying fuel, super tankers, wells, reservoirs. Those are the people we target, hunt down and ensnare as our primary sources but fuel can be obtained from anyone and everyone. Of course some provide far more fuel than others and it is those people who form the important suppliers to us. Fuel manifests in many different forms, arising from words, gestures, actions and inactions, so long as there is emotion attached, then fuel is generated and we drain it from those we have attached our fuel lines to and suck it up for our greater glory and empowerment. It is also useful for you to understand that fuel also comes in Proximate and Thought or Think forms.
Proximate Fuel is the fuel that is mentioned the most often. It is also the more potent of the two. Proximate Fuel arises from when we witness your emotional reaction to something that we have done. Accordingly, if we see you cry as a result of us calling you horrible names then we receive Proximate Fuel. If we walk into an arena and receive the adoring applause of thousands of people, that is Proximate Fuel. If, as we walk down the road we draw an admiring glance from somebody, that is Proximate Fuel. It is the most important fuel when it comes in this form and is necessary to the good order of our existence.
Thought Fuel is less potent but that is not to suggest that it should be dismissed. There is still considerable potency in this form of fuel and we rely on it frequently and especially so at particular stages in the narcissistic cycle. Thought Fuel arises when we envisage your emotional reaction to something that we have done or not done. In respect of our primary sources the Thought Fuel is strongest. This is firstly because of that person’s high ranking in terms of the Proximity of Supply but also because we know our primary source very well indeed. Our primary source has been researched, targeted and seduced. During seduction we analysed you further, understanding how you behave based on our experience of others of a similar nature to you but with the addition of gaining direct and daily access to all the subtle nuances, behaviourisms and idiosyncrasies that make you what you are. This knowledge enables us to determine how you react. We continue with our observation and scrutiny through the devaluation. Our knowledge bank about how you will react is burgeoning. We know how you will respond to certain situations and we can envisage how you will look and what you will say. Generating that picture is important because when we apply some form of manipulation against you but we are not beside you or viewing you in order to watch your reaction, we instead absorb the Thought Fuel from knowing how you would respond and with the attendant emotion.
Accordingly, when we impose a silent treatment during devaluation and we do so through absenting ourselves, we of course are unable to see your reaction to our disappearance, but we know what it will be. We know you will anxious and anguished. We know that tears will be trickling down your face or that you will be frantic with worry or that you will be pacing up and down angry at our sudden departure. We know you and in so doing we drink of this Thought Fuel and feel powerful in the knowledge that our manipulation has caused this reaction even though we cannot see this. The silent treatment continues and we continue to draw ThoughtFuel from the knowledge of how it will be affecting you. This Thought Fuel is also intertwined with Proximate Fuel because for example, if you send a heartfelt text to us during this silent treatment, we see the emotion in your words and this provides us with Proximate Fuel alongside the enduring Thought Fuel.
Thought Fuel is especially useful when we engage in our manipulations through silent treatment, or denigrating you and then going out somewhere. We are able to conjure up the image of you distraught at home and fearing our return and this Thought Fuel invigorates us. It is evident when we have discarded you in particular as we think of how you will be reacting once you realise that you have been discarded and that we want no more to do with you. When we hoover you through technology, even though we may not receive a response to our first flurry of texts we will still draw Thought Fuel from it because we know how you will be responding to our communication. It may be excitement, it may be apprehension or it may be hatred, but whatever it is, it will be fuelling us nevertheless and that is all that matters to us.
The drawback with Thought Fuel is that the envisaged reaction cannot be maintained for a long time without the need for Proximate Fuel from that same source. If after four or five days of hoovering somebody by text and there is no response, the empowering effects of imagining what your reaction will be, will wane. If you have decided not to respond as part of instigating No Contact, the failure to respond with Proximate Fuel means that the Thought Fuel can only last so long. Once those few days have elapsed, we need a Proximate Fuel response from you. Of course during this period, we may be getting fuel from different sources (both Proximate and Thought) as is our standard approach. In order to revitalise the Thought Fuel with a particular appliance however we need that appliance to provide Proximate Fuel. Thus after five days of silence with no response, the Thought Fuel will wane. If you then telephone us and cry down the ‘phone because we are not speaking to you, we receive a delicious dollop of Proximate Fuel. If then you fall silent even though we are sending texts, your supply of Proximate Fuel has invigorated the Thought Fuel because you have let us know that it is still affecting you. This direct contact by you has not only given us Proximate Fuel but it has breathed new life into the Thought Fuel which will continue to power us from your envisaged reaction until once again it will wane after a few days.
This situation cuts both ways also. If after a few days of enjoying the Thought Fuel we then have direct contact with you but you provide no fuel by responding to us in a neutral fashion, then if there continues silence thereafter we will not derive any further Thought Fuel from that particular manipulation because you have demonstrated that it is not proving effective. We may continue the silent treatment and focus on a different source of fuel, but we are no longer getting any from you, until such time as we witness Proximate Fuel again.
Thought Fuel underlines our power because it demonstrates to us that we can be super charged from knowing about how you will respond even though we do not see your reaction. To us, that is an example of the considerable power that we wield. It also means that even if you somehow are not reacting in the way that we envisage you would (although this is usually unlikely) at least for a number of days we will still gain Thought Fuel because it is based on how we have witnessed you behave and respond on previous occasions.
Thought Fuel is most often obtained from the Primary Source but it can be drawn from other sources. Knowing how a friend will be reacting to our failure to turn up to his birthday celebration or knowing how somebody serving at a bar will react to our dressing down as we walk away with a smile on our face enables us to draw Thought Fuel from these Methods of Delivery also.
This is why fuel is so important to us. This is why fuel is so pervasive and is the object of all our agendas and manipulations.
What Fuel Feels Like To The Narcissist
17 thoughts on “Knowing the Narcissist : Thought Fuel”
I did what I knew perfectly well I shouldn’t do: searched Wanna-be Playuh Narc’s name. I not only found it, but that of a probable Greater who manipulated us both. They had some online posts about building your customer base using…Empathy.
They certainly used the word enough.
Then a particular issue got into the news, one I knew the Greayer was interested in. I thought of emailing him, asking what he thought about it, knowing that he would bring up WBPN, and my only satisfaction would be giving him no reaction (not bad for a rap song). Then I told myself, “you already know what he thinks about it, and if you didn’t, why do you need to know what he thinks about it? Or are you just hoping he’ll tell you what a miserable empty life WBPN has? It doesn’t help you to know what a miserable empty life WBPN has, it will depress you if you learn he’s doing well, and Greater can’t be trusted to tell the truth in any case. He’ll go straight to WBPN and try to get some more Fuel out of him by mentioning you, and then you’ll be wondering what they said, which Greater would probably also lie about. How about you stop being a minor character in a Laclos novel?”
You never stop being an addict. Googling narcs that have been in your life is like someone who, after painful effort, finally ditched weed, buying a ticket to a Pink Floyd tribute band and thinking the smell won’t start a Pavlovian reaction of longing. Catholics call it the “near occasion of sin,” and you’re supposed to avoid the temptation as you’d avoid the sin itself.
When we wonder how people can administer things like Krokodil or Tranq to themselves, even after seeing the horrible effects, including necrotic tissue, we have to remember how many self-destructive things we do to feed the narc addiction.
“You never stop being an addict.”
Exactly! Frustrating but true.
You handled it very very well!
Z – zwartbolleke says: Still handling, I’m afraid. The chance that I might do the email equivalent of Drunk Dialing will never go away, although of course it diminishes when I have other things to think about.
Viol, I enjoyed reading your comment, even if the pain in it is obvious.
While the narcs are destructive, we are also self destructive at times.
The reason it’s so important to fight the addiction before it can kill us.
I had to remind myself, “you still think of them pretty often, but they think of you only when you pop up on the radar. Sure you wanna ping them?” I have my own narcissistic need for attention, and it can trip me up just as as empathic traits can.
The saying “we are our own worst enemies” comes to mind.
It’s a good reminder we all have narcissistic as well as empathic traits and can factor those in to our behaviour for the purposes of understanding. It takes a very strong person, I think, to be able to reflect and be self aware when it comes to these things. I’d count your recognition as a strength, and also a way forward out of your dilemma. Every now and again, I find myself in an accursed place where the narcissist (parental, ex-husband, etc.) pings my radar and I sense emotion taking me over. It can be really hard to combat, and sometimes I just sink again into the quagmire of misery they created. I make myself miserable thinking about them, and entertaining thoughts of them even though they are no longer in my life. It’s hard when there are people in your life who cause you to enter those spheres inadvertently (children). Is it the fact I’ve been wronged by that person and unable to resolve the feelings around that that keeps me bound? The lack of justice is likely what affects me the most. Going by what you said, for you it seems to be the need for attention, though I’m not sure if that’s attention from the narc and wanting to come up on their radar. There can be a temptation to wonder if they are wondering about us, as a means to keep the narcissist bound as well. Unfortunately, our feelings don’t translate in terms of longing in the narcissist’s world, and the preferable place to be is on the scrapheap. We have to turn logic on its head and desire to be forgotten, aw well as to forget.
It’s a long time since I have seen you mention WBPN. Thought moved to action in terms of looking him up. Could it be Cross Pollution? Do you have a suspect narc in your current environment that might be raising your ET and causing you to think about WBPN?
Cross pollution is a problem because we don’t know it’s happening. Maybe have a think about new people you have been interacting with and consider if there might be a narc amongst them.
I’m glad your logical thinking kicked in and you were able to spot your own ET. Carry on kicking its sorry ass!
I’m teaching in a Classical School, so there are narcs a-plenty here.
We still don’t have our contracts for the next school year, so I have no idea if I’ll be here, although I updated my application materials just in case. I’d rather not have to move two years in a row, and there’s a massive medieval re-enactment this summer that would be a lot more enjoyable than job-hunting, interviewing, and (if the first two are successful) moving, but ‘Gaeth a wyrd swa hio scel! ‘ (Fate goes ever as it must).
Have had some awesome experiences, including reading Don Quixote by candlelight when a tornado touchdown loosened our power connections, going through the Nicene Creed to identify which heresy out of the top 10 heresies each section was meant to refute, giving two 11th-graders pool noodles to whack each other with for Act V of Hamlet, restraining a 10th-grader from killing a spider with a 3rd-grade workbook for Charlotte’s Web, sneaking in some medieval dance to a History Fair that the Activities Dementor had originally engineered more as a tiresome chore than a celebration, and being consulted on costuming not only by my own medieval/renaissance history students, but also by two 18th-century revolutionary guys, a Wild West vixen, two 20th-century activists, a 19th-century suffragist, and two ancient Macedonians from other classes. Parents and students have been pretty enthusiastic about my teaching, even if the admin. has been using me and other teachers for internecine power struggles.
So as nightmarish as moving and adjusting have been at times, I don’t think I made a mistake coming here.
Worst comes to worst, I’ll look for a job at another classical school. Not willing to settle for what the university system has become, after getting a taste of this curriculum.
BTW, I highly recommend Josephus’ Antiquities of the Jews (can be found free on line). Herod the “Great” was an absolute sociopathic gangster. As was Josephus himself, I suspect.
Your school sounds way better than my school and I wish you had been my teacher!
Narcs will be narcs, as long as you can spot them then you have a fighting chance of avoiding them / ignoring their behaviour and keeping your ET down. I see what you mean, there would be other narcs no matter where you moved. I hope you get to stay where you feel happy.
Sounds like you are in for a fun summer!
Thank you, TS. Had my suspicions confirmed yesterday that they’re not renewing my contract. Have to do a final meeting with Executive Dementor in half an hour. I shall try to give the sonofabitch as little Fuel as possible.
Oh I’m sorry to hear that. That’s such a shame when you enjoyed the role.
Just a thought, have you ever thought about opening your own weekend drama club for kids? You can make costumes, you clearly have an enthusiasm that kids gravitate towards and there are lots of working parents that send their kids to weekend activities. It might be something you really enjoy.
I sent my daughter to a summer drama camp in South Carolina and that was run by one lady who rented space from the ymca for a few hours a day three days a week. I remember working out how much she was making from that endeavour and she was doing very well out of it! My daughter loved it. Summer camps would be a good way in to something like that.
You’ve had horrible luck on the work front, maybe a different path is an option?
TS et al:
Last meeting with Executive Dementor was relatively painless–I had a lot of people praying for me! The secretary (who has made faces behind his back) was the witness, thank God, because seeing the low marks on professional dress after noticing his wife was once again wearing a skirt at least 4 inches above her knees would have made it too provoking if she’d been the witness.
I kept my hands on my bag and tried to keep a neutral expression, as HG’s Work Narc materials teach.
Executive Dementor had emphasized that he liked me (as if I gave a flying fornication about that), but it wasn’t “a good fit.” (True enough, as I had interviewed with the quiet, scholarly man who preceded him,, not this huckster.) He had emphasized that my signing thr evaluation was to say that I had read it, not that I was agreeing with it, and I said, “of course,” and glanced through it quickly, without comment or protest, before signing it. I then asked if there was a place for me to write my comments, and there was, although I had to write small, since they were not to extend to the back.
I mentioned some of the experiences above (reading Don Quixote by candlelight, etc.), and added, “Kids who weren’t even in my classes have said, ‘I want you to be my teacher,’ based on subbing, study halls, or siblings’ reports. I heard similar things from their parents, while those whose kids were my students said, “He was never interested in history before,’ or ‘She’s really bloomed in your class.’ I value such experiences, & wouldn’t trade them for anything.”
He smiled and seemed pleased when he read it, but I think he missed some of the implications.
I think that’s one thing that helps me get over narcs pretty quickly. I’m so not interested in what they’re up to. Even in the early stages, I may do one quick Google and that’s it.
I am guilty of checking WA or suchlike for last seen, more to understand their pattern of behaviour, so I understand when devaluation commences and I guess to an extent that can be compulsive. But I know from HG’s teaching that they’re never ‘enjoying’ themselves in the same way we can. It’s just fuel based on what other people think of them/reactions and they’re designed to do that all the time. So no matter what they’re doing, a fancy restaurant, out with the most beautiful person etc etc they’re not happy just ‘being in control’.
I recall an occasion when I went out for a girls 21st birthday a few years back. She was likely an N. She’d invited over 100 people and there were only something like six of us there, including her and the two people I’d brought with me. It was the most awful, awkward evening – although we did still make the best of it for her – at the end of the night, we hugged together and took a smiley happy photo. Looked like we’d had a great time. She posted it on fb. And I just remember thinking, how great the photo looked but it wasn’t at all representative of how the evening went down.
If you can, try not to Google these people. It has no impact on your life whatsoever what they’re up to. Just focus on the things you enjoy and what you’re up to. They matter not. They will always be compelled to obtain fuel and in most cases, will get it. So why bother?
I’m quite lucky in that regard that I’ve never looked outside the box. My brain just naturally doesn’t do it. Another story lol but my dad was severely disabled from when I was very young. I never thought anything of it, he was my dad and I loved him and that was that. I remember one time, I must have been about 9? My mum saying how bitter she felt that my dad couldn’t take us to the park or play with us in the way other dads could. I’d never even given that a second thought. Briefly did but then just carried on with how things were. That fleeting thought even though it lasted seconds felt horrible, so I do feel fortunate that my brain automatically jettisons such thoughts. But try if you can to do the same and focus on yourself. They have zero love or empathy for you. They can be fun, but their fun is very predictable too. Which then makes it dull.
I did so. I can’t find anything specific on how or why admiration could be more potent from an admired source. The only two factors that seem to matter are proximity and delivery method. I’m assuming fuel is multiplied if there are multiple deliverers (twenty people sobbing because of your actions would be more fuelling than one sobbing, I think). But your own attitude to the fuelers seems to be irrelevant.
What about this:
James Corden has asked you to dinner with him at one of Keith McNally’s restaurants and he plans to regale you the entire evening with compliments and recognition of your amazingness. He thinks your roastings are spot on as well as absolutely hilarious (and he hands out praise like this sparingly). He wholeheartedly agree his eyes are piggy and he’s a total arsehole and he is utterly and forever grateful to you for finally ‘seeing him’ as he truly is. He is hoping you’ll be his BFF x infinity and if you agree he’ll kick McNally to the kerb and tell him his eggs really were shit.
Chris Hitchens has sent word down from above that he’s going to be haunting your local in early June. He will be ‘around’ a table in the south east corner and hopes you’ll join him for an ephemeral chat. All you have to do is sit quietly with your drink of choice and he’ll communicate his message through sheer force of personality into your mind. That message will be: I read your America book. I thought it was quite good.’ Then he’ll be off back into the cosmos.
Which makes you feel more powerful?
Interaction with the Hitch.
A fuel question:
I understand the strength of fuel differs with proximity and delivery. And that negative fuel is stronger and Hoover fuel is strongest.
My question refers to admiration as a positive fuel source, regardless of proximity or method of delivery. It’s about the source of the fuel.
Is admiration as fuel stronger if you admire the person providing it? For instance, if Chris Hitchens (as someone you have indicated you admire) was still around, came across your work and praised it, would this be better and stronger fuel for you than praise from, say, James Corden, or someone you admire less or don’t admire at all?
Read the book “Fuel” the answer lies therein.