I am letting you see my worldview for your own protection.

 

 

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One of the important things to understand about my kind and me that everything and I mean everything, is all about us. You may think that there are times when we are behaving in a kind and generous manner, we may appear interested in what you are saying or what somebody else is talking about, we may demonstrate an understanding of somebody and appear to go out of our way to assist. None of this happens unless there is something in it for us.

At its most obvious, this trait of making everything about us manifests in us talking a lot about ourselves. We will regale you with our achievements, our sporting prowess, the things we succeeded in when we were younger, we will boast about how much we earn, where we holiday, where we dine, what we buy and so on, just to make sure that the listener and especially you, understand that we are fantastic. We are leaders in our field. Some of what we boast about is made up. This is because we are adept at listening to other people when we meet them and stealing parts of their characters, attributes and behaviours that we covet for ourselves. We absorb what they are and turn it into being part of us so that the rest of the world thinks that is what we actually are. This makes us more attractive and enables us to draw other people to us. Much of what we brag about is embellished and exaggerated but there is a foundation of truth. We have been to Dubai twice, but we make it eight times in conversation. We once attended a Depeche Mode Concert and made it to the front of the crowd. We tell you we had drinks back stage with the band although Dave Gahan, the lead singer was drinking water because he stays sober these days. We own an Armani suit. We tell you we have seven, one for each working day and two for Saturday dependent on where we go out. We are often intelligent and therefore it is not difficult for us to seize on information that has been provided by someone else and claim it as something we have done or seen. A friend has attended an art exhibition and told us a lot about it. Ordinarily we would much rather be talking about what we have been doing but we recognise the value in listening, at least for a period of time. First of all, the fact that someone as brilliant as me is deigning to listen to you shows that you must at least have some special qualities for that to happen. This will make you feel good about yourself. You are not only being granted an audience in the presence of greatness but how about this, I am actually allowing you to use up my precious time and tell me something about you. Secondly, I listen because I recognise that this information you are telling me has a value. I can purloin it for myself and at a drinks reception that evening I can also claim to have attended the art exhibition. My air of confidence and total conviction in what I am saying will not cause someone to doubt what I am saying is true. Why would they? Most people accept comments at face value anyway and why would they seek to cross examine me about whether I went or not? I know this is how people respond and therefore there is no difficulty in me pretending I attended. Indeed, I will regurgitate this outright lie about attendance so many times that I may as well have attended because I am able to recall sufficient detail. Even better, those who I have mentioned it to have also attended and their enthusiastic responses to my clearly educated and erudite comments about the installations that were on show has garnered me fuel but has also provided me with further information which I can pass off as my own.

The more information I gather the more I can talk about how brilliant I am. I can show off and have those around me marvel at my humorous observations, my pithy comments, my extensive knowledge about a wide variety of topics and I am able to demonstrate I am a polymath. I will talk about all the places I have visited around this world although I may well have visited less than half. I can tell you about certain prestigious sporting events I have been to, who I met there and wow you with the famous people I know. I am entitled to do this because I am built from excellence to begin with. I am successful. I am talented. I want the world to recognise these talents, they must do so and they must stand and applaud and cheer how brilliant I am. There is nothing wrong in that. I have to have it happen so I can secure the fuel that I need. This means that I must always find a stage for my achievements. You may think it of little consequence but to me it matters and it must be heralded. In addition to this I add to my triumphs. I embellish and exaggerate because that is where I ought to be were it not for those who have plotted and conspired against me to hold me back. You see him on television? I was ear-marked for that role but I was unwell and they would not wait. Accordingly, I see no reason why I should not explain how I have secured other prestigious roles in the world of entertainment. It does not matter that I am lying because in my mind I am entitled to be the person who is number one, who wins the awards, who is voted most popular because I am me. I am brilliant.

I know from when I have explained this to those who are tasked with treating me they have asked me whether other people would think that such a stance would be regarded as normal and acceptable. I played along and asked the good doctor what she thought and she commented that whilst she understood why I did this most people would find it incredible that I would do this. Yet, once again, intelligent as she may be, she is missing the point. I do not tell people that I embellish and lie because I am the master of conviction and plausibility. I am intelligent therefore is it that difficult to imagine that I scored a double first (I did but you understand the point I am making). I look after myself so it is entirely conceivable that I won sports awards when I was younger and that I was on the books of a Premiership football team but I chose a different career path. I work hard. I work hard to achieve and I have always done so. I have always been driven to do so and because of this bedrock, this foundation of achievement anything that I add on top of it is entirely plausible and ultimately something I could achieve if I wanted to. Therefore, there is nothing untoward in me adding these exaggerations and falsifying certain parts. I share this with you to help you understand my standpoint. I know much of what I say is exaggeration. I know some of what I say is false when considered through the strict lens of your comprehension of the world, but we are not talking about you are we? We are talking about me. You label such things as embellishment, exaggeration and falsification, but those are your words. They are not mine. From my point of view, I would consider them as positive gloss, adding-in-what-I-would-attained and what-I-would-have-done-were-it-not-for-others-so-I-may-as-well-claim-it-as-my-own. I have explained these principles at length to the good doctors and I know they understand my point. It is all a question of perspective. You call it a lie, I call it capturing an alternate me and adding it to the real me. You call it embellishment and I call it supplementing. I understand from what the good doctors have said that people struggle with this concept but I did point out that most of the time you have no idea whether what we are telling you is the “truth” (using your word) and therefore it does not matter. You are in awe of me and that is all that matters. You provide me with the appropriate reaction, my fuel and you become attracted to me whether as friend, colleague or intimate partner.

That’s the truth of the matter. No exaggeration.

 

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I like it here with you. Just you and I. You make me feel special because of the way you look at me. I hope I make you feel special too because you are. You are very special to me and that is why I love it most when it is just you and me together. I like this place when it is the two of us together. There is nobody else seeking to disrupt what we have. There are no distractions. There are no dissenting voices which are trying to dissuade or cause uproar. There are no concerns when we are here. There is no need for us to be undermined by those who are jealous of what we have and that is what they are, jealous. I should know. I am very good at spotting those who are courting the green-eyed monster so you leave them to me. I wish we could stay in this sanctuary all the time. I feel restful here. I can see you feel happy and content when there is just you and I. That is all you really want isn’t it? I know you smile and thrill when I surprise you with an expensive gift or tell you to pack a bag because we are going away someone interesting for the weekend but all you really want is to be with me isn’t it? I don’t blame you. If I were you I would feel the same. We belong together and when we are together everything just clicks doesn’t it? I like what you like and you like what I like. It is uncanny how much we have in common isn’t it? But you know what that means don’t you? It means that you and I are meant to be together, it is written in the stars above. We want the same things and that is why people cannot help themselves and feel envious of what we have together. Sometimes I wonder whether we should not tell them about the things that we do and how happy we are, purely because of their reactions, but do you know what, I think we have to do that. Perhaps by looking at our perfect love they will finally understand what it is to find your soulmate and perhaps then they will stop being so bitter. Maybe, just maybe the hate that has been put in their hearts will slowly bleed away and be replaced by love. I doubt they can achieve what we have, after all, we are meant for one another and our perfect love is unlike anything else, but even if they experience a fraction of what we have then it will be good for them, don’t you agree?

I like it here because I am able to spend all my time with you. I can ensure you are in my sights at all times so I can keep you happy and loved because believe me, someone as special as you deserves that. Yes, you do. So do I and that is why you are so important to me because you give me what I need. Sometimes I fall silent because I am unable to put into words just what you mean to me, just how important you are to me and how you are central to my continued existence. I must admit I am almost fearful of telling you how much I rely on you because if I did I am concerned that someone might take you away from me and then I do not know what I would do. I would be destroyed. I would no longer exist. What would be the point anyway? There would be no sense in living without you by my side. That is why I like it here. We are safe here and untouched by the harsh, cold and howling wilderness that is out there. Here the sun always shines, it is always warm, quiet and safe. The deluded sentinels that roam the wilderness cannot touch us in here can they? I have made sure of that. So long as you believe in me and what I have created for both of us then we are untouchable. That is why I like it here. This idyll that I fashioned for just you and me is where we escape the madness that abounds out there. Some call it the real world and that all the hatred, woe, envy, stress and competition are factors of reality, but I disagree. I say that those are things that have been manufactured in order to make people do what they do not really want to do. I say this enables those people to be controlled because they are so caught up in the malice and the fury. They do not allow the light into their lives. Not like here. See how there is always a golden light that shines? Yes, I made that for you and so long as that light shines we will be able to bask in its golden glow and feel safe and protected. I had to build this place. It did not take me too long if the truth be told, well, when you have a noble aim you apply yourself with considerable discipline and endeavour don’t you? That is what I did. Once I saw you and knew that you would complete me and I would complete you, well it was only a question of time before I constructed this place for us. I worked hard. I always do although I do not always receive the recognition that I should for what I do. That’s okay, you need not thank me again, I can see it in your eyes and I wasn’t talking about you, you praise and admire me repeatedly. Don’t let it stop though! I made this for us so we can both reside here, untouched by what is out there, safe and protected. This place enables us both to be together and that is all that I ask. For you and I to stay together in this place. Promise me that this will happen. Say those words to me and you tell me too that you like it here.

 

 

th (8)

I crave power. I want it more than anything else. It is the product of  requiring all attention to be directed at me and upon me. The sensation of impregnability and might is epic in its effect. I want power. I want it over others and most of all I want it over you. The degree by which I shall pursue power is only limited by what I believe I can get away with. I take the view that owing to my special status I am above rules, codes of conduct, conventions, procedures and laws. Since I find myself unshackled by these hindrances, I am free to pursue my quest for the attainment of power with utter and total conviction. What I require is complete and total hegemonic domination. Hitler ? His invasions were Sunday afternoon walks in the park? Stalin ? He exercised plenty of power but where did it really get him? Genghis Khan? He showed promise. My single-minded focus goes beyond those men and is a never-ending mission to obtain power.

This power is best obtained when you are prevented from defending yourself. Yes, I want you to bend over and take it and thank me for it afterwards. You are not allowed to protest. You are not allowed to demur ,complain or heaven forfend put up and kind of fight. I want you disarmed and defenceless. That’s why I embark on such a savage campaign when I devalue you, that you end up completely confused and disorientated. I want you swaying, punch-drunk and eyes glazed, urging me to put you out of your misery. Once I have reduced to this state I know I can do as I please and that I have attained absolute power over you. Then the next victim will loom in my sights…….

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Food is a weapon. It is a commodity which is readily utilised in the further pursuit of manipulation. Food provides a means of asserting my dominance over you. Food enables me to exert control. Food allows me to underline your inferiority. There are several ways to do this.

Most people are conscious about their weight. The overweight know they ought to lose some weight and will not like the fact of their eating habits being scrutinised. Comments about how much this person is eating, made repeatedly soon start to hit home. They may not do anything about their weight, which, in all likelihood is not that bad, but they may have a few folds about the tummy or the archetypal paranoia about the size of their bottom. The comments turn into denying them their favourite food, forbidding a particular take-away and vetoing dining out at certain restaurants. The beauty of doing this is that I am of course doing it for your own good. See how good I am? I care about your health so I am going to tell you what you can and cannot eat. I am going to stipulate when you eat. Of course I will find you breaking these rules because you lack the willpower and when I do I will chastise you all the more. I will tell you how much you have let me down despite my best efforts. I will tell others that I have been trying to help you but you just will not listen. This proves a very good precursor to establishing that you have the type of pig-headed attitude which means that you do not listen. It may well be true, albeit exaggerated, when it comes to my lectures about healthy eating and it does not take me long before I have extended that to other things which you purportedly do not listen to me about. I will turn your occasional over-eating into not only a stick with which to beat you about your dietary habits but I will use it in order to create an image of you with other people which I can then exploit.

Another way is for me to be territorial about food. I have instigated this technique on a number of occasions. I have my loaf of bread. Nobody else is to touch it. It is hardly something for a special occasion is it? A loaf of bread? It is not as if I have bought some cakes for some anniversary or a party which should not be eaten beforehand is it? The mundane nature of the foodstuff however works in my favour. If you take a slice and believe me I have a memory for how much of the loaf is left, how much of my bottle of soda is left, how many sweets are left in the packet. I know and even if I did not I would make it up in order to provide me with the means of attacking you. I will make it abundantly clear that the relevant item is mine and not be touched. When I decide I need to use it as a weapon I will point out that you have taken it. You will fall right into my trap and will say something along the lines of: –

“No I didn’t eat any of it, what are you talking about?”

(So you are calling me a liar then are you?)

“Calm down it is only a bit of bread.”

(Oh I am over-reacting am I? Excuse me for pointing out you are at fault.)

“It’s no big deal.”

(You are calling something important to me, trivial. Well, if that is what you think you must not think I am very important either must you?)

“It’s okay, I will get you some more.”

(That is not the point. You have failed to heed my boundaries. You have failed to heed my instructions. You clearly think little of me.)

“What are you like, getting upset over a few sweets?”

(Don’t make this about my reaction. You are at fault here)

All classic ways of manipulating you including some standard projection. This will provide us with a Launchpad to commence a tirade, demand you do something to make it right, provide us with the basis to complain about you to other people and shout at you. We have righteous indignation at your behaviour and food is the source of this.

Another method is to keep food under lock and key and treat you like a child with regard to the issue of food. This is usually utilised best when dealing with somebody who has suffered a sustained period of devaluation already. Their ability to think straight, to stand up for themselves and to challenge will have been considerably eroded already. This ultra-control will manifest as counting out the number of cornflakes we are going to let you eat as you sit silently at the breakfast bar. It is slicing your portion of meat down to a tiny square as you watch us decide what you should be eating. We will only fill your glass halfway with what you are drinking. We will allocate a set amount of crisps (chips) for you to eat and if we find you transgressing these allocations we will come down on your hard and reduce future allocations. Food is locked away and is essentially rationed out to you. This works best with someone who has a real issue with food and is often something that works very effectively with BPD individuals as they tend to have “food issues”. Exerting such a high level of control enables us to provoke a reaction at first so that we gather fuel. It then enables us to test the limits of your obedience so we can ascertain what other machinations can be deployed against you.

We weaponise food. It becomes our resource, our means of controlling you. We use it to berate you, calling you weight-related names when we know you are carrying a little weight or you are sensitive about your appearance. We will remark how you need to cut down on what you are eating because your thighs have expanded, we will make tutting noises when we see you tucking into something tasty but naughty in order to increase your feeling of guilt and to provoke a reaction. We will your food. We will accuse you of taking our food. We will use the issue of meals as a way to get to you. We will cook a huge meal and insist you eat everything on your plate and if you do not we will regard it as a criticism of our cooking skills in order to provoke an argument and a reaction from you. It is just another commodity which when in our hands we will find a way of making it work for us in terms of exploiting you. Should you ever admit to us, and you usually do, that you have concerns about what you eat, how you look, what you weigh, that you have intolerance or allergies we will seize on this in order to use it to our advantage. Now, what’s for dinner?

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We operate by virtue of our perceived superiority to all around us. We also require the spotlight of attention to be on us at all times. As a consequence of this we have a repeated need to assert that we are better than you, we are elevated above you and we should be afforded such preferential treatment accordingly. As ever we rely on our oral pronouncements to reinforce our status and below are six frequently used statements that we use to achieve this along with what motivates us to us them.

 

  1. You’re not ill, I once had a real fever, this is nothing by comparison

We do not like you to be ill. This means you expect us to look after you and we do not do that. We are not equipped with sympathy and empathy and therefore we feel need to help you. Furthermore, if you are ill you are not running around after us and that irritates us. Worst of all however is that you are not giving us fuel and instead you are expecting to be the centre of attention. In order to disrupt this annoying situation we will belittle whatever ailment you are suffering from and remind you of how ill or injured we once were. If you have a broken leg, ours was broken in two places. If you have a cold, we had flu. If you have stomach ache we had gastro-enteritis. Do not expect us to play nursemaid.

 

  1. I have one like that but mine is better

It does not matter if we are talking about a music system, mobile telephone, pair of trousers or a house we are irritated by you showing off that you have something new. This means that people are asking you about it and giving you praise and admiration. Even if people are providing jealous looks at your latest car we want those jealous looks coming our way. We need to throw an immediate spanner in the works and cause you some consternation by demeaning whatever it is you are showing off, this will draw fuel from you and gives us a chance to turn the spotlight back onto us as we talk about our brilliant new motorbike.

 

  1. Nothing you do is good enough

I am brilliant you are not and you need to reminded of that fact on repeated occasions so I can reinforce my superior status and lord it over you. No matter how hard you try, no matter how successful you may and that you receive plaudits from lots of other people we will tell you that what you do is not good enough. This is because we fear that you might just outshine us and take our supposed right to all the attention away from us and that will weaken us. We always have to prevent this happening and by doing you down in this method we upset you, draw fuel and keep ourselves as top dog.

 

  1. You do know people only like me because of you

I am the sun around which everything else revolves. I am magnetic, charming and a joy to be around. With my perfect looks, brilliant humour, massive intellect and plethora of achievements there is no reason why anybody would not want to be with me. You on the other hand are wretched and pathetic but because I am such a decent and kind person I allow you to trail in my wake. This means you can benefit from my radiance and my reflected glory, so people appear to like you. Don’t get carried away and think you can steal their admiration and affection for yourself, that is not allowed, hence I need to remind you who is the real star of the show.

 

 

 

  1. You Are Nothing Without Me

In a similar vein to the above, you are only allowed to function because of my generosity. Such is my power that I can shunt you to one side and remove friendships, family, money and job from you as I snatch your sanity and tear apart your self-esteem. You should watch out because if you do not do what I want this is what is going to happen to you. You need me because otherwise you are utterly unremarkable and it is through my largesse and grace and favour that I allow you to exist to the extent that you do. Show me now how grateful you are as you blink back the tears caused by this cutting remark.

 

  1. I Bet You Wish You Were Me

 

It does no harm to remind you of the gulf between us and what better way than to engender some jealousy and envy in you. You should want to be like me because I am glorious and brilliant. See how everyone likes me? See how doors always open to me? See how I get my way repeatedly? Look at my success, the friends I have, the invitations I receive and all the fawning, kneeling, hand-kissing worshippers that flock to my court. You would like that too wouldn’t you? Problem is, although you wish you were like me, you aren’t and nor can you ever be, so just be thankful I allow you to grace my presence. Time for you to bow I think.

 

 

 

 

 

th (13)Love. It is the most powerful emotion. It is the emotion that virtually everybody wants to receive. Love from your parents, love from your best friend and love from your other half. In fact, that desire goes further. Companies want people to love their products. An artist wants the public to love his creations. A chef wants diners to love his meals. It is interesting how widely used the word love is. Come to this theme park, you will love it. Have you seen the latest Tom Cruise movie? You will love watching it. It is used over and over again. This noble and most powerful emotion is applied to such triviality as “I love the colour red” or “I love my new shoes”. Yet, notwithstanding its clear overuse it loses none of its potency.

I seize on the power of this emotion in my works by utilising the phrase “I love you,but”. As soon as you hear those magical three words at the start, your ears prick up and you feel a surge of delight. He has told me again that he loves me, I feel wanted and special. The soaring sensation only lasts momentarily because attached to it comes a dual pronged attack the purpose of which is to control you.

When I say ” I love you but I wish you wouldn’t wear that dress,” I am criticising you for appearing like a slut. By linking my criticism in a sentence professing my love for you I am demonstrating just how much you are disappointing me by going out in such attire. I am figuratively punching you with a sugar-coated knuckleduster. It wounds and it is meant to do so.  Furthermore, it contains a threat. If you do not do what I want, I will remove my love from you. Used repeatedly, this will feel like a boxer landing repeated jabs on you as it whittles away your confidence. I keep this potential loss hanging over you. It is a method of control. You will now change the dress because you do not want to lose my love. You will also tell yourself, because of the way I have conditioned you, that he is only saying it because he loves me, how good is that? He really cares about me so much he takes note of what I am wearing and is sufficiently interested to point out when I am wearing something he doesn’t approve of. You con yourself, for fear of losing my love, that my motivation is predicated on a real interest in caring about you. That is completely wrong. It is a tool of control. Listen out for it and you will soon notice how often it is used against you.

 

 

Go create the noise and haste

And remember what cruelty there is in silence

As far as possible never surrender

Be on good terms with all in the façade

Speak no truth often and wildly

And listen to nobody

They are dull and ignorant

And have no story

 

Embrace loud and aggressive persons

They are fuel to the spirit

If you compare youself with others

You will become envious and jealous

But always be the greater person than them

Exaggerate your achievements and always plan

 

Cultivate interest in your career, never be humble

Falisfy your posessions, keep appropriating fortunes

Exaggerate accomplishments in your business affairs

For our world is ripe for trickery

Do not be blind to virtue

Many empaths strive for high ideals

And everywhere is full of fuelling opportunities

 

Be someone else

Especially you must feign affection

Cynically exploit the notion of love

For in the face of dwindling fuel supplies

It is reliable and necessary

 

Take kindliness for yourself over the years

Gradually causing the surrender of all things to you

Nurture strength of manipulation to defend you in sudden treachery

Create distress with your dark imaginings

Their fears are born of fatigue and loneliness

Exercise a ruthless discipline

Be focused for yourself

 

You are the centre of the universe

The tallest of trees and the brightest of stars

You have every right to rule here

And it should now be clear to you

That your plans unfold as they should

Therefore, be a god

Whatever you conceive rule as your own

And commandeer their labours and achievements

Maintain their confusion to keep hold of their soul

 

With all your sham, skulduggery and breaking of dreams

Create a false beautiful world

Be powerful

Strive to be the powerful.

 

 

Someone spoke your name and did so with that inflection I used when I called out to you. I am back on your mind.

The scent of wood smoke drifting from a copse on an autumnal afternoon, where we walked as the sun embraced the land for the last time that day. I am back on your mind.

A throaty laugh. A key in the front door. The smell of beer wafting over you. I am back on your mind.

The first warm day of spring, with windows open and sunlight pouring into the house. Blinds raised, curtains drawn and such promise lying ahead.

The sound of the rain drumming on the roof. No wind. That steady rhythmic patter denoting heavy summer rainfall. The sky that peculiar shade of grey that only appears on the cusp of a thunderstorm.

The sensation of sea spray dashed gently against your face. The wind whipping through your hair as that maritime smell hangs in the air.

The cold sting of a frosty morning that greets you as you step from the house, leaving cosy warmth for the icy outdoors. The air sharp and invigorating. You turn to look for me breathing clouds of water vapour into the air, like some grinning dragon, but I am not there am I. Yet, I am back on your mind.

The opening sounds fill the room heralding the start of the quality drama that you can no longer bring yourself to watch alone. The box set lies on the shelf, a dusty veneer testament to its abandonment. Do people see such a layer on you now? You reach for the remote control to mute the instantly recognisable score but somehow your fingers hesitate. I am back on your mind.

Beneath the mirror which taunts you every morning sits two toothbrushes. You mean to remove the second but yet something prevents you from doing so. Your finger touches the bristles and you look into the mirror expecting my ghostly presence to be stood behind you and my lips, those oh so soft lips, to plant that tender kiss on your exposed left shoulder. There is no kiss yet the ghost is there. I am back on your mind.

September the first arrives. You see it first on your mobile ‘phone. My birthday. The date chases you all day. Staring at you from the bottom right hand corner of your laptop screen, from the centre of your tablet, from the desk calendar and from the news reports. Who do I now celebrate my birthday with? Will they be like the ones we shared together? What is the answer? I am back on your mind.

You cut your forefinger on the carving knife as you prepare your evening meal. With a sharp intake of breath, you suck on your finger, the coppery taste leaking into your mouth as you other hand still grasps the knife handle. You let it roll in your hand as you recall how I always prepared the vegetables, a glass of Rioja not far away. I am back on your mind.

Thick buttered toast.

The throb of an engine.

That irritating ringtone.

An empty toilet roll left on the holder.

A forgotten bottle of Worcester Sauce at the rear of the cupboard.

The road sign that points to my home town.

I am back on your mind.

The cracked spine of Brave New World.

The opening strains of Everybody Hurts.

The catchy sample from Better Off Alone.

The never collected box of possessions sat in the spare room.

I am back on your mind.

Then comes the longing, the aching and the hurting.

Then comes the wry smiles, the fingertips circling the still not removed picture, the tears.

Then follows the sobbing, the rising frustration and the churning anger.

Then the aching once again.

I am back in your heart.

The questions arrive. The inquisition that is always expected.

Why did I do this?

How could I do this to you?

What went wrong?

Where did our love go?

Who am I with?

When will this feeling stop?

I am back on your mind.

Questions. Always the questions that come with seldom reprieve and never with answers.

Why did I choose you?

How did it happen?

What am I doing now?

Where did I vanish to?

Who behaves like this?

When will you see me again?

I am back on your mind.

I am back on your mind. I am back in your heart.

How does something feel so good yet hurt so much?

I am back on your mind? I am back in your heart?

No.

I have not come back.

I never left.

 

 

Everything that we do is geared around emotion. On the one hand, this may seem somewhat odd, someone like us who does not operate with the full range of emotions that other people do and certainly nowhere near the heightened emotions that the empathic individual is capable of. It is however entirely logical that we are fixated with the notion of emotion.

At its most obvious, we want your emotional output in order to make good that hole which exists inside of us. Stripped of certain emotions we are left with an emptiness which we want to fill. This emptiness is dangerous because something else will want to fill it. As you know, nature abhors a vacuum and this maxim is no different when it comes to us. If the emptiness is not filled with your emotional responses, our fuel, then something far worse will want to break free from its prison and flood into the hole, occupying it and filling it, overcoming us with the very creature that we repeatedly seek to keep under lock and key, silence and forgotten about.

Your emotional responses provide us with fuel. We relish drawing them from you. All and any emotions are wanted by us as fuel. The positive emotions that you provide – joy, happiness, compassion, sympathy, delight and ecstasy are those which are denied to us. We know what they look like because we mimic them in order to further our own survival but we do not know what they feel like. The fact that we are able to cause those positive emotions, when we do not possess them ourselves, makes us feel powerful. We can make you smile with happiness, skip with joy, hug with compassion, kiss with passion and a whole range of others. Our might is underlined by being able to cause this outpouring of emotion and this fuels us, filling the emptiness. Even better are those negative emotions. Whilst we experience many (but not all) of these negative emotions, we still want yours. This is because even more than positive emotions, our ability to cause you to be frightened, angry, upset, sorry and frustrated evidences just how powerful we are. You are geared towards acting with positive intent by reason of your empathic nature and for us to cause negative emotions to spoor from you, like blood from a gaping wound, underlines the power that we wield. Once again those emotions allow us to fill up the hole within. Accordingly, the issue of your provision of emotions is utterly central to our existence.

Yet, the matter of emotion goes beyond this. We not only want you in a perpetual emotional state for fuel, we want it because it affords us control. Decisions made on an emotional basis are often poor decisions. It is those decisions which are made from an objective standpoint, where cool rationale is at the forefront. We operate from a position of logic. Admittedly, few comprehend our logic because it is different from yours because of our different perspectives and viewpoints, but irrespective of that, we apply ourselves in a calculating manner. The lesser of our kind respond through instinct, not through emotion. The greater of our kind respond through cold and detached calculation. Plotting, scheming and planning. Most people allow their decisions to be based on emotion. Those decisions will be bad decisions. Take these for example: –

  1. Lending someone money because you feel sorry for their impecunious state even though you know they are unlikely to repay you;
  2. Purchasing a new pair of shoes because it feels good to buy something new and pretty, even though you cannot afford them and you will miss your rent payment this month;
  3. Allowing a friend on a night out who becomes abusive when drunk, because you feel bad if they are not invited along;
  4. Keeping an incompetent employee in position because you’ve known them a long time and know they will struggle if they were fired;
  5. Recruiting somebody because they are attractive and flirt with you, rather than a superior candidate who you don’t find attractive;
  6. Calling us to find out how we are, even though you know we will try to hoover you, because you worry about how we cope on our own;
  7. Spending the night with us because the sex is so amazing even though you know what is coming later;
  8. Letting us come and see you to talk things through because it feels right and fair, even though you know we are likely to worm our way back into your life once again.

All poor decisions. All made because emotion was allowed to interfere.

It is, in a way, natural and a situation we wholeheartedly encourage and endorse. We want you full of emotion. We want you blindly thrashing around, failing to apply critical thinking, allowing yourself to be swept along by emotion. Emotions stop you seeing clearly. They stop you making the right decisions. Emotions keep you fixed in one place, paralysed and unable to move forward which is exactly what we want. We do not want you applying reason and intellect to the situation. We want you confused, bewildered, overwrought and overwhelmed with emotive considerations. This is what keeps you in situ and so much easier to control. So long as you allow emotions to rule you will not escape us and all our manipulations are designed to keep you emotional. We draw the fuel and we keep you from realising what is really happening. We want to pull those heartstrings, we want to blackmail you through using your emotions, we want to appeal to your heart. The more emotional you are the better it is for us. More fuel and more control. This is why you were chosen by us. Your propensity to allow emotion to cloud your thinking, your inability to allow cold logic to govern your decision making and the heightened emotional output which provides us with such delicious fuel were all reasons why we targeted you in the beginning. Those with a muted range of emotional responses are no good for us. This is why we often target ‘damaged’ people because they are always shipping emotional content from them. People with Borderline Personality Disorder prove particularly juicy prey for some of our kind since those people have the emotional hide of a tissue and the slightest provocation has emotion fountaining from them.

You cannot ever shut off those emotions, not unless you cease to function by reason of becoming so ill that those functions shut down (hence why you are discarded when this happens) but in order to tackle us you need to take hold of those emotions, turn off the tap when dealing with just us and regulate your emotions in a more appropriate manner until such time as you can make your escape from us. In the meanwhile, we want you gushing with fuel paralysed and giving us perpetual emotion.