I am letting you see my worldview for your own protection.

ISEESANCTUARY

When I first meet you and I look into your eyes I find a certain sanctuary. Your optimistic eyes seem like paradise to me. I can see the hope, the desire and the adoration burning in your eyes. Be they brown, blue, green or grey I can see the promise of salvation. That is why I try so hard to win you over. I apply everything I can think of to ensure that you stay with me so I can gaze deep into your eyes and drink the delight, trust and admiration that flows from them. You have no idea how much I need to see those things. The more I show you love, affection and how interested I am in you, the greater the radiance that shines towards me and the sanctuary that you have created for me remains in place. It surrounds and protects me, keeping the pain and the hurt at bay. It is a simple formula; I shower you with affection and attention and you return to me that magical protection in the form of how you look at me. The admiring glance across the restaurant table, the wide-eyed desire when we are in bed together, the simmering passion as I undress you and the sheer adoration as you quicken your pace to cross a room or a road to meet me. I need that place of safety and respite. A sanctuary where I know that the whispering, taunting voices will be silenced. A place of salvation where that cold-fingered dread cannot grip my throat and silence my scream of terror. Those draining shades that manifest from a past which I try to consign into oblivion cannot reach me in this place. That is what I hope for and believe every time somebody new enters my life. If I can just keep you sending me the power and the protection arising from those magnificent eyes then I will be safe. I apply my every effort to maintaining that gaze which will keep the darkness and the foul creatures lurking amongst it at bay. Everything I do is geared around making you feel happy, loved and wanted so that you will keep looking at me in that way and preserving my sanctuary.

Yet, no matter how hard I try, notwithstanding every effort I apply to maintaining your state of joy and happiness, you let me down. Each time someone new appears I am given renewed hope that this time the sanctuary will be permanently preserved and each time you fail me. Why do you do this to me when I try so damn hard for you? The burning admiration that you exhibited towards me suddenly dims. The adoration that blazed across the room has lost its intensity. The shining lustre of desire has become dulled. You do this to me and in so doing you turn the key of the gates, lift the heavy bar and push them open. You do this on purpose don’t you? You breach the citadel so that the screeching, moaning and howling tormentors that have gathered beyond its walls are admitted to assault me once again as they try to pull me into the abyss of insanity. The craven creatures slither forward, their mucus-covered tendrils slipping and sliding as they seek me out, determined to coil about me and drag me silent with terror into that place I must not go. Why do you do this to me? What have I done to deserve this treatment? All I have ever done is love you with a perfect love to cause you to generate that sanctuary and now, with no warning or help, you allow the paradise to be violated by those that seek to harm me.

I am left with no option but to fight them. To muster my strength and seek to defeat these agents of darkness by gathering my rage and anger. I must lash out in all directions, often and without restraint in order to stop my tormentors from destroying me. It matters not who is caught up in this frenzy, it is incidental whether you or anyone else finds themselves collateral damage from my necessary defence of my being. I fight and fight and fight, it is exhausting but it must be done. I have to survive until the next promise of sanctuary is identified and drifts my way. There I will find peace and a place to restore my waning strength. Is it you? Perhaps this time the sanctuary will remain intact.

 

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WHY YES

Lots of people have trouble with saying no. It carries with it the connotation of negativity, obstruction and disappointment. People much prefer to say yes. I know that you and your kind really do struggle with saying no. You prefer to be regarded as a can-do kind of person, positive and accommodating. You also find it difficult to say no to people as you really do not like to see the disappointment on their face should you respond in this way. It makes you feel bad and accordingly, you either avoid saying it in the first place or you change your mind if you have said it. Occasionally, you will take refuge in the realm of uncertainty.

“I will think about it.”

“We shall see.”

“Let me reflect and I will come back to you.”

“I just need to check something, but I think it should be okay.”

You want to say no, but you find that you are unable to and therefore you trot out one of these insipid responses and ultimately you will end up saying yes. We know this is a common trait of yours and something we rely on and play on. We are aware that you do not like to say no and therefore we will press and cajole to ensure you say yes. Do not make the mistake of thinking that we need your validation and approval. Far from it. We do what we want. We like to hear you say yes because it underlines our power over you. We can always make you say yes. Sometimes you do it straight away (especially if we have you conditioned correctly). On other occasions it requires some persuasion and in the remainder of cases we need to pull out our manipulative tool kit to achieve the desired result, but we always get there. You are designed to say yes, we programme you to say yes and you do so even if it is ultimately detrimental to you. You feel you need to please and that need is greatest when it comes to us.

By contrast we are firm disciples of the word “no”. It is a word of strength. It is commanding and authoritative. Those who can say no have fortitude, steel and resilience. We say it regularly. We are untroubled by the fallen expression, the noises of disappointment and pleading. In fact, should you beg and plead we will just keep saying no and sit back and enjoy the fuel that you provide to us by your behaviour. Beseech us, blackmail us, bribe us and bombard us with requests, nay, demands to say yes and every time we will bat you back with a firm no as we savour your increasing anger, frustration and upset.

We do not associate the word no with negativity. We see it as a positive word. It is one that enables us to assert and maintain our superiority. We are able to use it to control you and keep you in your place. We are fully aware that whoever is on the receiving end of the word no automatically feels bad because they have been denied something.

“No I do not want to have dinner with you tonight.”

“No, you cannot borrow my car this evening.”

“No, you cannot go out with your friends tomorrow evening.”

It takes guts and integrity to say no. You struggle to say it because you are used to being exploited and taken for granted. You may try and dress it up as being someone who always helps and is a facilitator but the reality is you end up being used. Notice how in those instances above where I stated no, I did not give a reason for the refusal, I just said no. That takes real strength. I do not need to fall into providing explanations for my decision. It is my decision, the answer is no, that is an end to it. I can do this because I am not accountable. I can do this because I do not feel bad when witnessing the disappointment of others. This enables me to achieve more and avoid being burdened unnecessarily.

You can learn a lot from my use of the word no. Just do not think of ever using it towards me. That’s a big no.

 

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You are being manipulated and you may not even know how.
The first stage to combatting the narcissist is to understand. Understand what the manipulations are that are used against you and why.
This book will tell you what the most common narcissistic manipulations are and why they are used by the narcissist. Acquire this knowledge and reduce your vulnerability to the narcissist.
Beat the narcissist and know their machinations.

A LETTER TO THE

 

Hi there,  you worthless human being. You are a waste of elements. You are using precious life energy to wreak evil on all you touch.
You can be very proud of yourself. You changed me. I was once a beautiful soul. I once trusted, loved and gave all I could to my little world. You stomped on that. I have risen above your paranoia and I’m back with people. But, the other day I found out you were gravely ill. And I laughed. I laughed. I hope that the universe and karma forgive me for that. I hope that, should there actually be a great power watching, that it forgives me for how callous and cold I can be to a person who was once my life.
But I took great pleasure in knowing you were alone and sick. Your family is not interested in you. Your children don’t even speak to you. You are too old, needy and unattractive to snare anything but the most basic and desperate of women. This will not be hard as you live in a country where whores are a dime a dozen. And I laugh at this as well. You, who had a woman who created two businesses for you to suck from. You, who had a bestselling author wife who just couldn’t make ‘enough’ for you. You who had a master chef, a
doting lover and a thoughtful friend. Now, you are faced with the winter of your life feeding rice and beans to someone who cannot even speak your language. Just for the warm body in your bed. Thanks, but my cat is a better bedfellow. I don’t need a dick. Not in the real or the vernacular sense.
I know you don’t miss me in the classical way of the word. But it can’t be easy for a man so proud of his trophy and her awesome talents (always claimed as yours, of course) to live without the Grey Goose and the Cuban cigars. Oh, how it gives me such pleasure to go to the local weed store (DOPE, how you hated it! hahahahaaha) knowing you would shit a blue brick. What sweet revenge it is every time I light up a joint. I live in Colorado now, so I can do this legally. No one cares. I am, of course, an addict (that would be your Reefer Madness mentality). You are so very, very ridiculous with your schedules–what we ate, drank, smoked, etc. A nice glass of the Goose? Only after five. A rich Cohiba? One, shared, and only after five. I delight in drinking a glass of wine with lunch, you control freak. Every time I do something that isn’t part of your ‘world’ I rejoice. I watch sitcoms. I eat toast at three a.m. I take naps. I sometimes go to bed really late. The cat is welcome in my bed. I eat what I want when I want. Every day I have new things to be thankful for.
Nevermind that you can’t stretch your lousy SS benefit and MY income is quite fine, thank you very much. I don’t need to suck off someone else’s tit. What are you doing today to better yourself? I wrote thousands of words today that I will sell. So there.
You don’t own me. Not anymore. I have no one to ‘report’ on the day’s earnings from books wrought from my own head. My stuff. You tried to steal it all the night I left, remember? I have no one now who thinks he can choose my cover art. You have never read my books, for god’s sake! I am still grappling with how I allowed a moron to take over a damn good business I built. That’s my personal issue and I take responsibility for it. Never again. I am the master of my fate and I am the author and marketer of my books.
You hated my family. You hated my friends. You hated people. These days, I can barely take a breath now without a kid, a grandchild, a sister calling upon the vast supply of love I have and wasted on your sorry ass. And I give to them. Endlessly and without any regrets. How very, very tragic that anyone is so bereft of feeling as to lose their family as you have done. As I write this, I drift into feeling sorry for you. How idiotic of me.
I buy my grandchildren toys and clothes. I make great ‘Mom’ dinners. I loan my children money when they need it. You would have a fit. You hated any attention and especially any money I spent on my loved ones. That hundred dollars that put food on my son’s table would have bought you a fancy shirt. Fuck you. I’d rather have a basket of Goodwill costumes for the granddaugthers. Fuck you twice.
It would be something else if you were smart or productive or anything worthwhile. But instead you are a tick. Not only do you prey upon those whose blood you suck, but you spread disease. You did spread your disease to me. I know this as I read the account of your illness and laugh. I am appalled I can hate someone as much as I hate you. I didn’t know I had such venom in me. You created a small monster in me. I am going to kill it, come what may. And, the saving grace is that you don’t even know the monster you made inside me. I’ve done my work. I’ve ignored your sorry excuse for a person. I dance with the devil in the pale moon light, but you will never know. I will take the battle on by myself. The secret of my grief, my fear, my anguish and my hopelessness will remain mine. All you
need to know is that I made the bestseller list. Fill in the blanks, douche. Fuck you three times. IN the ass.
In the fullness of time, I trust I will forgive and I do hope forget. In the meantime, I hope you die a death by a thousand pieces. I hope you die by inches. Millimeters. I want you to reap what you have sown. Rot in Hell. Suffer. Be alone, unloved and poverty stricken. You deserve nothing less. I would not piss on you if you were on fire.

TOLD YOUSO

 

“You know you really shouldn’t get involved with me you know, I am damaged.”

“Well, it is a little bit late for that isn’t it? I am already involved.”

“I know and I am glad to hear you tell me that, really I am, because I want you more than anything. I have not wanted anybody else in the way I want you but it is because of that I think you would be better off without me.”

“Don’t be silly, what do you mean by that?”

“You are so wonderful, so perfect. I truly have not met anyone like you. It is as if everything I have ever wanted and needed in somebody has been put together and rolled into one.”

“That is lovely of you to say, but I am not perfect, far from it.”

“To me you are.”

“Bless you, that is so sweet. I think you are wonderful too, not at all damaged. I cannot believe you said that.”

“Well I am.”

“Not from where I am sitting. You are incredible. Thoughtful, loving, attentive, interesting, sensual and so passionate. Those are just a few of the things that spring to mind when I think about you.”

“What else?”

“Oh let me see. Generous, yes generous and kind, considerate and successful. Entertaining as well. I don’t think I know anybody who can light up a room like you do. I love to watch you when you have everyone’s attention, I can see how much they love to listen to you.”

“Oh you are just saying those things to make me feel better.”

“No not at all, I mean every word, I really do. I have not met anyone as special as you and that is why I love you as I do.”

“You shouldn’t, I don’t mean to be rude, but you will only get hurt.”

“How? By you?”

“Yes.”

“How?”

“I don’t know; I just always seem to mess things up. It may sound strange but somehow I want to think, I mean, I kind of know it should work with you, with you more than anybody else, I suppose I am just terrified that what we have is so wonderful, so perfect that I might do something to ruin it and then you would be hurt and I could not stand for that to happen.”

“You see, there you are again, considerate and kind.”

“I could not live with myself if I hurt you and I just do not want to run that risk of that happening. You do not deserve to be hurt.”

“That won’t happen, I can feel it. What you and I have is something out of the ordinary.”

“Yes we have haven’t we?”

“Absolutely. I love you and you love me and nobody is going to change that.”

“I know, I know, but what if, you know I do something?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know, it is just that well, previous relationships have not exactly been successful have they? My track record is not great.”

“No but that wasn’t your fault was it? Look, you told me all about what has happened in the past. Not many men would be so honest as you to admit to what you have gone through. That takes real courage and is typical of the honesty and decency you exude. You are a good man and you have been treated abhorrently by some wicked people. Oooh, if I ever met them, I don’t know what I would do.”

“I knew you would understand. You always do. You get me. They never did you see. I tried you know. I always tried to make it work. I just wanted both of us to be happy but you know when whatever you do is not enough? When no matter how hard you try to please somebody but they always find some kind of fault? That was them. They made me feel like it was my fault a lot of the time. They had that way of twisting everything around so I was made out to be the villain. It is hard to explain it, but that is what they did.”

“I understand. There are some people who just delight in the misery of other people but that is not going to happen with you and me.”

“No?”

“No. We have both suffered previously.”

“I know. That is why I do not want to hurt you, you have had enough from the past and you deserve to be treated properly.”

“Well that is what you do. I could not ask for a better boyfriend, I really could not. You put me first, ahead of everything and you do so much for me. I really do appreciate it and each day I feel more in love with you because of what you do for me.”

“Thank you. That is all I want. Both of us to be happy. I think it must just be because of what has happened in the past, I am worried that this time, having found you, it will go wrong again and you will be hurt and I could not live with that.”

“Honestly, there is nothing to worry about. You have just been made to feel like this because of what they have done to you. It is understandable. I know you won’t hurt me. How could anyone who says the things you say to me ever hurt me? I have never had someone say the wonderful and beautiful things you say to me before. You leave me in tears. Tears of happiness admittedly because you just know what to say, you understand me.”

“Yes. There is a connection and it is deep and meaningful and I do not want that ever to be severed. I will fight to my dying breath to stay connected to you. I want to become you.”

“See, there you go again, saying the most wonderful things.”

“You bring it out in me. If it wasn’t for you I don’t know what I would do.”

“Well you don’t have to wonder do you? You’ve got me and you always will have.”

“Do you mean that?”

“Absolutely.”

“You see I am really in heaven every time we kiss. I don’t ever want to hurt you or lose you.”

“That will never happen. You have me forever.”

“I hope so, I really do.”

“You do. Now, let’s not have any more talk about you hurting me, that isn’t going to happen. We have the rest of our lives to be together and be happy. Let me get another bottle of wine, no, it is my turn, you stay there. You do enough running around after me, let me do something for you for a change.”

“Okay, same again please.”

“Coming right up. I love you.”

“I love you too.”