I am letting you see my worldview for your own protection.

a-poisoned-pen

 

“Dear Victim,

That greeting is now more applicable than ever as you are now about to experience my devaluation of you. Why am I doing this? Well, there is the void inside of me. I know it is there and I can feel it. It makes me feel restless, then weak, then as if I am collapsing in on myself, being consumed by the black hole that sits at the centre of my being. The only way I know how to stop this happening is to fill up on emotional content from other people and in particular you. The more emotional attention I get, so much the better. The terror of oblivion soon vanishes and then the weakness fades. It does not take too long for the sensation of restlessness to evaporate and then I am on the up once more. I feel empowered, omnipotent and capable of anything. The more of this emotional content that keeps coming my way then the greater my sense of power becomes, the greater my capability to achieve and I am then that which I know myself to be. That weakened individual is not me. That is just the product of the cruelties of the world that have been heaped up against me. That is the outcome of the malice and treachery that I have to deal with. That is what created that weak individual and I do not recognise him. He has no standing with me and I banish him so readily when I receive the emotional attention which I am entitled to. You once were really, really good at giving me this emotional attention. You did it in a positive way. You loved me in a way that nobody else has done (at least so far as in that I care to remember) and I know that you still love me but there is something different now and the void is making its presence known more than it ought to and certainly more than I want it to. I know what to do though. I always know what to do. I need to flick the switch and now cause that torrent of negative emotional attention to come from you. It is easily done. I know lots of ways of doing it. What makes it even better is that the change from adoration to abhorrence is so marked, such a contrast that your reaction is increased, magnified and boosted. This means all the more of your negative emotional reactions for me to drink in. I have a toolkit full of various manipulations. I have been using some of the tools on you already, although you were so blinded by the brilliance of my seduction you did not notice. It will be different now. Some of the tools are very subtle and you will have no idea that I am controlling you. Others are pretty brutal and you won’t be able to miss them. I wish you hadn’t changed but it has happened. I don’t delight in doing this you know; I just have to do it. It is necessary for my survival and I am of course more important than you, or at least, that is what I keep telling myself. After all, that has to be true hasn’t it? If you were more important than me, you would not find yourself in this situation would you? You wouldn’t be about to face systematic abuse which will leave you hurt, upset, bewildered, exhausted, worried, anxious, terrified, puzzled and near broken. I’m not the one who is going to suffer. You are. You might consider this a punishment for failing to keep up the correct standard of emotional attention that I need. If you do, so be it. Punishment or not, it has to happen because I have to fill that void. Being able to extract such negative emotional attention from you stands as a true measure of my power over you and this is what all of this is about, power. I have to feel powerful because if I do not then I vanish and I do not want that to ever happen. I have realised that the only way that I am able to feel powerful is by harnessing the emotional responses of other people and yours most of all. I suppose you do have some importance then don’t you, just not as much as me.

Don’t take it personally. I have done this to plenty of other people like you. I thought they would prove effective in providing me the emotional attention but despite my best endeavours, careful selection and giving nature, they still malfunctioned. It is very disappointing. In order to fix the situation, I need to change the nature of my interaction with you so that I hurt you. There are thousands of ways of doing this. I may call you names, I may stop having sex with you, I may punch you, I may take your money away, I may stop you seeing your friends, I may just stand and stare at you, I may stop speaking to you, I may disappear, I may have an affair well probably more than one, I may not offer any help to you around the house, I may hide your possessions, I may smash things up, I may disagree with you repeatedly and so much more. There are so many different ways to extract that negative emotional attention. Think of it like a torturer just trying to extract information. He does not care about who you are, he just wants his goal; the information. I am just the same. You do not matter to me. I am not doing this because of who you are, it is what you have failed to do and my goal is to get your negative emotional attention and to do so repeatedly.

It’s not all bad news though. I will flick the switch and be delightful to you again and provide you with some respite from my seemingly ceaseless horrible behaviour. Don’t be mistaken and think that I am doing that because I care about you or because I have suddenly seen the error of my ways. I know you and others like you see my ways as wrong, but I seem them as necessary. I will offer you some respite so you don’t leave until I decide it is time for you to go. I do it because I feel that the contrasting positive fuel that you will provide – the relief, the joy, the thanks – will serve me well in filling the void. I don’t expect it to last but it will at least stop you from leaving me and allow you some form of recovery before I flick the switch once more and away we go again. You can expect this to go on for as long as I can keep drawing sufficient emotional attention from you. Back and forth we will go. One day good. The next bad. The next good. The next two bad. It will leave you completely baffled, confused and deranged but that suits me fine. That way you won’t be able to think straight. I do not want you making any calm and rational decisions. Heavens no, you might actually work out what I am and decide to get away from me and I cannot have my supremacy and authority challenged in that manner. I say when things happen around here.

I would say sorry for what is about to happen but eventually you will realise that I rarely say that word and if I do I never mean it. I just use it as another way of getting what I want. That’s a fact. It just the way I am. Deal with it. Well, I suppose I had better open up the toolkit and select the first dark instrument to use against you because I am starting to feel restless already and something needs to be fed.

With mechanical action N.Arc x”

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SARA LETTER

 

Dear Female Narcissist (a.k.a. Greedy Fat Pig)

Thank you!  Thank you for your inadvertent help because before I was spotted and chosen by you, I had no idea that females like you existed. There’s always a school-yard bully or two with their own gang of bullies but I had no idea that adult bullies with their own gang of adult bullies, existed. I also believed that if I should ever come across an adult bully, it would probably be a male with tattoos or a yob on a stolen bicycle pushing around the younger kids. Now I know differently.
You weren’t and probably still aren’t, typically feminine looking with your almost 6 foot stature, manly gait, michellin man neck and a Desperate Dan looking chin, without the whiskers. But you had this sing-song voice, much like a toddler which made you sound gentle and kind. You found me at the local park, remember. You walking your dog and me walking mine. You told me you came almost every day and had never seen me. I said ditto. After a couple of weeks, I saw you again at the park and we walked and chatted. When we arrived back at the car park, you asked if I would mind looking after your dog for the day whilst you worked as there was no-one else available on that day. I said yes and by saying yes, that’s how you were able to infiltrate and subsequently infect, my life.
I had no idea what you were. I hadn’t heard of The Dark Triad or Extreme Narcissism or Sociopath. I’d heard of the word Psychopath but you didn’t look like Ted Bundy. I thought you were like me. I thought, from what you told me, that you were a kind, considerate, trustworthy, caring and compassionate person. That’s the reason why I liked being your friend. I had no idea that I had become your latest prey and I had no idea that you were a Greedy Fat Pig. You didn’t see why (and probably still don’t) you alone were responsible for paying off your personal debt. You took advantage of my kindness. You took me to the cleaners. You left me to fight off your gang of flying monkeys with accusations of my mental instability immediately after I told you to never, ever contact me again. You left me to defend my text message to you in which I wrote “Leave me alone, I’ve told everyone about you and they’re as disgusted in you as I am” to the police officer you sent to my door with false accusations of sending you an ‘abusive text message’. Luckily, I still had the text and the police officer said you were a bully and for me to stop contact.
I will always refer to you as a Greedy Fat Pig. A Greedy Fat Pig who not only got me to pay off your debt because it was causing major depression and your parents have never once helped you, but who lied to me about your parents. Your parents whose rental home you were living in when we met. The rental home which they sold and bought you your own home, no mortgage to pay. Whatever furniture you wanted, you got and then you were bought a new car.
You are nothing but an oversized toddler hanging onto Mummy and Daddy’s purse strings. You’re financially greedy. Everyone is your piggy-bank. Everyone has to come to your rescue. You left me and no doubt others before me, financially depleted. When are you going to stand on your own two feet?  You’re almost 46 years of age. Will you ever stop preying on others for financial gain? How much money is going to be enough?
Like a pig in muck, you’re happy with yourself. I know you are. You put in a lot of effort, conning people like me. You’re like a train without brakes. You’re a train wreck and you always will be. You know that I know what you are. I know that you know. It’s why you smeared my character so badly. You fear my knowledge and my strength. You know that I could cause problems for you. I like that. I like to think that you’re worried I might land a blow against you in the future.
You taught me a huge lesson about female narcissists.  You are very much gold-diggers with the more unattractive, manly-looking ones such as yourself, preferring to prey on women for financial gain (as a new best friend) because you know you have little to no chance of seducing a man. Not with that Desperate Dan chin of yours and a voice like a dog’s squeaky chew toy!
You screwed me over big time but guess what? I won!  I won because I get to feel happy and joyful. I win because I see and feel the beauty of this world, in spite of there being people like you around. I win because I’m on the good side. The side of Light. I win because of my newfound awareness.
I win, you Greedy Fat Pig. Checkmate!

the-devastation

You fell in love with an illusion. You fell hard and deep for something which never existed. The golden days that we created together were the twisted reflections of my manipulative hold over you. I know how anxious you were to try to recover the golden period. You poured your beautiful heart into securing the impossible. I know that my silences, my verbal violence, the cheating and the lies, my perfidious control of you was brutal, malicious and devastating. I understand that the whole avalanche of manipulative techniques I applied to you, in savage wave after insidious wave crushed your self-esteem, mauled your sanity and shattered your world. This brutality was nothing compared to the aftermath.

For now you have slipped away from my tight, choking grip. I know however that you sit looking from the window where you used to watch for me strolling up the driveway, a bouquet in my hands and the pain still wracks you as you remember how you fell in love with someone who was not real. Memory after memory stirs from within, an endless loop of ‘best of’ moments that you want to stop remembering but you cannot. It hurts yet you still want to remember because even as the pain rises in your chest, you still feel the flicker of your love for me and you still cherish that. Like the drug addict, you know that line of cocaine is no good for you but still you need to snort it. The cold silences may no longer chill our living room. The sting of my slap across your cheek has long since faded. The barbed comments I fired your way each day have lost their power to wound. All of that has gone. The one lingering, tortuous pain that still sits deep within you is the knowledge that you were in love with an illusion No matter how much you discuss it with your friends, the earnest hours with your therapist and the pile of books about healing that are stacked up besides your favourite chair (which I always tried to sit in before you), none of them help take away that awful aching.

You can manage the shame of being fooled. You take a strange pride in having given your all to such a despicable person because that is the person you are. Honest, decent and a provider of unconditional love. You do not want that to change. You do not want to lose the empathy for which you are renown. The battered bank balance will repair (eventually) and the dosage of the medication will come down (your doctor has said as such in soothing tones). The strength of character which made me choose you means you can deal with all of these things. The one thing that will never leave is that deep-seated pain that you loved a ghost. Your head will eventually accept what happened, that you were charmed, entranced and enchanted and you never stood a chance. That was why you were chosen. Emotionally, you will never lose that dull ache as you sit and reminisce about our time together and how wonderful being in love with me was. Your heart will never accept that it was not real.

That crack, that fracture, that tiny chink that remains from your frenetic and devastating time with me shall always remain. It is through it that I can return as I slip, shadow like into your heart through that unhealed wound. That is why we did what we did; so we always had a way back in. For all of the strength that you exhibit through never taking a call from us, from changing email accounts, from burning the pictures and changing mobile numbers, you are never truly safe. Yes, you manage to evade the snaking tendrils that we uncoiled to try to haul you back under our spell. You will have to maintain that vigilance for the rest of your life. Our polluting influence, if ever allowed near you again, will creep and trickle through the hole that will never seal. You are consigned to a lifetime of wariness and maintain your defences because that damage is permanent.

You will always be in love with the person you thought I was.