5 Common No Contact Mistakes – No 1 Item Retention

 

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It is well understood that no contact is the effective approach to tackling our kind. Whether your entanglement with a narcissist was in a romantic context, familial or a friend, the aim is to cut that person out of your life forever so that the cessation of fuel supply forces the narcissist to seek an alternative source and leave you alone. The concept is an easy one ; have nothing to do with us and cut off all means of contact. Execution is somewhat more difficult. You will have to overcome significant emotional hurdles which cause you to either want to continue some form of contact or leaving a route open for an approach to be made “just in case”. You will have to conquer innate empathic desires for answers, to know the truth of what has happened, to know what the narcissist is now doing, whether he or she is alright. You will have to make changes – whether that is blocking numbers, altering e-mail contacts, staying off social media or more significant ones such as moving jobs and/or home. You will also face a determined opponent who will be reacting badly to the sudden cessation of a source of fuel  and also the inherent criticism that comes with such a bold move on your part. Dependent on the precise nature of your narcissist, you will be hoovered, often in ingenious and intense manners, you will face appeals to your better nature, your sympathy will be milked, you will be threatened and charmed. Resisting much of this proves difficult and even more so when you are ground down, exhausted and bewildered. Nevertheless, should you grasp fortitude and bolster your resolve to execute no contact, it remains the most effective way of forcing us to seek our fuel elsewhere and in the process provide you with a much needed respite

This road to being left alone is paved with difficulties and often they are of your own making. This may arise from under-estimating who you are dealing with through to the complacency which arises as a consequence of the perception that a period of silence on our part means that it is finally and completely over. There are five common mistakes that are made when people implement no contact and we begin with item retention.

1. Item Retention

People like mementos. Whether it is a reminder of a wonderful holiday in the sun, a trip to a concert or a sporting final, people like to collect something which is a tangible reminder of the experience.  A link is made between that item and the experience and picking up that glass lighthouse with different coloured sands inside of it transports the holder back to the sun-kissed shores of a Greek island and the blissful times that were spent there. It might be that pilfered plastic seat taken from the stadium when the football club moved to pastures new and the zealous fans helped themselves to a memento. It may sit in the garden shed, but every so often it is touched or gazed at as the memories of victory (and defeat) come surging back, triggered by looking at this piece of coloured plastic. The associations are powerful. The emotions that were experienced are imprinted on that person and they are able to summon them or indeed the memories and emotions rise in an involuntary fashion just by their eyes looking on the memento. They are transported back to the concert, the triumph of completing a marathon, the first music exam passed, the memory of a relative who in their dying days would sit with that blanket over their knees. Indeed, the blanket is kept in a box so that every now and then, the holder can hold the blanket to their face and smell their deceased relative still and in so doing intense emotions are evoked through such an act.

This is no different with our kind. I have explained about Ever Presence and our instinctive (and in some cases calculated) laying down of  triggers throughout our entanglement. This Ever Presence is very powerful and allows us to linger in your memory, maintain a grip on your heart and pave the way for a successful hoover in the future.

Some people make the error of retaining those items which were both gifted to you and which we purposefully left behind. They think that whilst no contact has been implemented there is no harm in having those reminders of better times. The first present that was given to you as we seduced you, a jumper of ours which we have left in the wardrobe which still smells of our fragrance or a particularly special gift given to you on our first anniversary of being together. Sometimes the item may prove to be expensive and/or practical to you and you are loathe to remove it for those reasons. More often however it is because you still wish to retain some reminder of what we had together, so that every once in a while you can sit and hold that stuffed toy, or let your fingers trace the ornate frame of a beautiful landscape we gave you and conjure up the memories of when we were together. It may be one item, it may be several.

Do not do it. All items – be they gifts or our possessions which have been left – must be purged.

By allowing yourself to retain this connection you are enabling us to live large in your memory. This means that you are allowing emotion to govern you, rather than the cool, hard logic which is needed to keep no contact effective and in place. By giving emotion the opportunity to surface and interfere in your no contact you are weakening it. You allow yourself to consider matters such as

“We had such a wonderful time when he gave me this, I wonder what he is doing now?”

“I have always loved this item, I could never get rid of it, we had some special times together”

“It is bittersweet holding this now and thinking of her, but I still crave her. It wouldn’t do any harm just to chat would it?”

“I remember this so well, seems like such a long time ago, I can put it behind me now, so it would not hurt if I contacted him.”

As I have repeatedly explained, there is a reason you were ensnared by our kind. You have an innate ability to attract our kind and be susceptible to our overtures and that will never leave you. Yes, you will become adept at recognising our kind and knowing you ought to stay away from us, but many of you will fall for us again if you allow yourself to interact with us. You cannot help it. Some of you have greater resistance and may well be able to interact without plunging back into the quagmire you once struggled in but why would you ever want to risk finding out what the outcome would be? The fact that you were once ensnared means that there always remains a risk of it happening again. You have acquired the knowledge and that knowledge tells you what we look like, what we do and why you must maintain no contact. That knowledge is based on icy logic and that is why it is effective. As soon as you give any emotional thinking the opportunity to govern you, then this icy logic is abandoned. You may even be thinking “i should not do this” but you are unable to fight the emotional thinking which has taken you over and is drawing you back into our grasp. You will always remain vulnerable to us. That is how you have been built, in the same way that I have been built to always need fuel. You are able to protect this vulnerability by staying away from us and evading the new vultures which come sweeping towards you.

By allowing yourself to retain some kind of trinket, trophy or object you are giving the emotional contagion that we placed inside of you the chance to surface. This then wants to govern your thoughts and once it does, it will create a considerable risk that you will make an approach to us and thus break your no contact. Even if you do not place yourself in a sphere of influence in that way, your nostalgic interaction with this item places you at risk that if we execute a hoover against you, you will crumble and respond to it.

If you keep some totem of your supposed love, a memento of those fabricated ecstasies, you are sitting with a time bomb. It will keep reminding you of us and this will hinder your forward advance which is required to enable you to recover. As you know, much of what we do is designed to paralyse you so that you cannot escape us. This paralysis is caused by our varied manipulations. The keeping of a memento is self-inflicted and a potential for us to infect you again.You are keeping the ghost of us with you. Our haunting is allowed to continue and by glancing on this item, holding it, touching it, smelling it or caressing it you are allowing the poison to continue to flow through you and in so doing the experience which may feel reassuring to you amidst all of the pain that you are enduring, only serves to weaken your resolve. The greatest risk is that you are puncturing holes in your logic vessel as you try to cross the emotional sea (see The Post Discard Battle – Part Two ) and in so doing you will fall into that emotional sea once again. Once that happens it becomes far easier for us to ensnare you.

No matter how strong you might feel, no matter how much you feel that a mere object cannot have such an effect, you ought not to take that risk. Whether it is a gift we gave you, something created through the golden period or a trinket of delightful times then it poses a risk. If those items belong to us, you are exposing yourself to a double risk. Viewing those items has the potential to affect you in the way that has been described above. It is also provides us with a ready reason and excuse to make contact with you and to see you for the purposes of collecting those items. By enabling us to appear directly in front of you, from our point of view at worst we will gather fuel from you and at best we will successfully seduce you once again and resume the Formal Relationship. Once you give us a toe hold, we will take it and use it to hoover you and apply our manipulations once again. Combine this determination on our part with your inherent susceptibility to our kind and the fact that you are allowing emotional thinking to surface and override your logical thinking, you are exposing yourself to danger once again.

Do not keep those items. Purge them all. Return our property and expunge everything else. Retention risks infection.5-common-no-contact-mistakes-2

 

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Why Does He Blow Hot and Cold?

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“I don’t get it, one minute he is all smiles and cuddles and the next he acts like he doesn’t know me.”

“I don’t know what is going on. Earlier in the week he wanted to hang out with me and now when I call to make arrangements he doesn’t seemed bothered.”

“He was in a foul mood and then suddenly he was being really nice to me and I have no idea why.”

Familiar sentiments? Most likely they are when you are dealing with our kind. Why is it that one moment everything is wonderful and the next it all goes wrong? Why are there periods of elation and then periods of erosion? Why are we so inconsistent in the way that we behave with you? Let’s begin with the Intimate Partner Primary Source, the most common recipient of this behaviour.

The Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”)

Whether you are our wife, boyfriend, partner or lover, the IPPS will find themselves subject to this vacillating behaviour.

The Seduction Golden Period

Once you have been installed as the primary source, following your seduction as an intimate partner secondary source, you reap the rewards of being our primary source of fuel, the apple of our eye and the light of our life. There will be only the heat of manufactured passion, the warmth of apparent caring and the fire of fabricated desire during this period.

During this golden period our fury (which is expanded on below) is in effect capped and therefore does not manifest. This ‘capping’ occurs for two reasons. The first is that you are supplying us with positive fuel and therefore if you happened to criticise us, we are able to brush it off because (a) we are being well fuelled in a positive manner and (b) we regard you as ‘white’ ; you are wonderful and our mind set is such that the criticism does not have the same effect. Secondly, even if we began to react to your criticism, we exert control because we do not want to lose you at this juncture and we want the positive fuel to keep flowing (we do not want your negative fuel at this point). There is also the issue that you are highly unlikely to cause a criticism because of the way you are responding to us during this golden period.

Accordingly, it is extremely rare to see us blow hot and cold during seduction for these reasons. You might find a reaction from a Lesser Narcissist who is criticised early in the golden period, who cannot exert sufficient control and accordingly he erupts, but it is extremely rare.

The Devaluation Period

This is when the alternating between hot and cold commences and there are a variety of reasons why this happens.

The first occurs in The Instant and is as a consequence of the ignition of fury. If you say (or more likely) do something which is perceived by us as criticism, it wounds us. Bear in mind that it may not seem like a criticism from your perspective, indeed you are usually at a complete loss as to why we have reacted as we have done. The blowing hot and cold which occurs in The Instant is naturally your fault.

Whatever it is that you have said or done, it has been perceived as a criticism. This wounds us and our self-defence mechanism is for the churning fury that is ever present, to be ignited. This happens more often with Lesser and Mid-Range narcissists because those members of our brethren are unable to control their fury with the same skill and discipline as the Greaters.

This ignited fury may manifest as heated fury as we erupt and call you names, break things, slam doors, hit you and such like. Accordingly, all was going well and you cause a criticism and our volcanic rage erupts as the situation becomes super-heated. Alternatively, this ignited fury emerges as cold fury whereby you are subjected to a baleful glare, being cold shouldered and treated to silent treatments. Thus the situation becomes ice-cold.

In the blink of an eye, you have unbalanced the situation through your criticism. Our reaction is based on self-defence. Since you are in the devaluation period, the ‘cap’ on  our fury that existed during the seduction period has been removed. Accordingly, it is only a matter of time before you do or say something which ignites our fury and boom, we react. One minute we are enjoying a family film and the next we have thrown the popcorn across the room and are glaring at you from our armchair.

The reason the fury ignites is to cause an intense reaction so that you react to it and provide us with fuel (or others do who witness the explosion). Usually, the ignited fury is directed towards the person who has caused the criticism by way of punishment and the need to cause them to atone for their transgression. By insulting you, striking you, spitting at you, shoving you, glaring at you, sitting and sulking we are aiming to prompt an emotional response from you. This provides us with fuel. Once you provide us with fuel, the wound you have caused is healed and our ignited fury abates. Consequently, we then carry on as if nothing has happened. Accordingly, in the space of a few minutes we go from calm to furious and then calm again. We have blown hot and cold and of course it has to be your fault because we are never at fault in our minds.

That is how we blow hot and cold in an instant and whilst theoretically this could happen at any stage in the narcissistic cycle it happens most with the IPPS during the devaluation.

We also blow hot and cold with you over an elongated period because of the need for contrast.  Isaac Newton’s Third Law stated

” For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.”

Whilst this was directed in the field of physics, this is of equal application to the narcissistic dynamic. We have to create contrast in order to derive the most potent fuel. If we dig a ditch which is ten feet deep and shove you into it, you will probably be hurt as you fall into the ditch. If we build a tower thirty feet high next to the pit and push you from the top of the tower, then you have a forty foot drop and will suffer greatly owing to this starker contrast.

When we are seducing you, we are devaluing someone else.

When we are devaluing you, we are seducing somebody else.

When we allow you a Respite Period during the devaluation it is because we have turned against somebody else and thus we see you as ‘white’ once again.

When we start devaluing you again it is because we are savouring the resumption of seduction of another or perhaps starting a seduction anew with a new appliance.

It is all about creating that contrast.

If there are times where we have walked in to the house and we begin berating you from the moment we arrive you are at a loss to even identify what you could have done to cause this. The belittling commenced the moment we stepped through the doorway. What has happened is that we have been with someone else (not necessarily in an intimate way, it might have been an Non-Intimate Secondary Source, a friend) and having gained their positive fuel, it remind us of why we are devaluing you. This causes us to continue to regard you as ‘black’ and therefore we are unpleasant to you as soon as we first appear and continue being so until your emotional response fuels us and we stop.

If we are driving and we cut up another driver who we then pulls up alongside us and we swear at him and threaten to get out the car and stamp on his trachea until it bubbles, we gain negative fuel from the other driver’s frightened or upset or angry response. We can then turn to you (even in devaluation) and smile and kiss you on the cheek, to enjoy your contrasting positive response to the negative one which we have just obtained.

Accordingly, when we are seducing somebody else, we seem them as ‘white’ and thus you are ‘black’ because we need the contrast between the two of you. The IPSS we are seducing is seen as wonderful (and all the more because we despise you) and you as the IPPS are seen as awful (and all the more because we adore the IPSS). The contrast makes the fuel from both sources all the more potent.

If we decide to give you a Respite Period it may be because a NISS has been disloyal and we have devalued them, so we see your dogged loyalty as a good thing for a short time. It might be because the IPSS we have been cultivating is not delivering as we expected and whilst our disappointment in them is not sufficient to cause us to devalue them it means we will park them for the time being  and you gain by getting a Respite Period.

All of the various appliances that we are connected to have an effect on one another and most of all on  the IPPS.

Thus during the devaluation period you will find us behaving “okay” with you when we are neither especially pleasant or horrible, but then suddenly we shift to being unpleasant and then a Respite Period comes out of nowhere. It will appear arbitrary and inconsistent to you but there is a logic behind it.

The Discard

What about the period post discard when you were once the IPPS and you have been demoted from  that heady position? We once adored you and now we do not even acknowledge you. This is because we are obsessed with the new primary source and have no interest in you anymore. This is why if you stay out of our spheres of influence and the Hoover Execution Criteria is not met, you hear nothing from us in the immediate aftermath of discard.

Then, some time later, we appear with smiles and compliments as we apply a Benign Follow-Up Hoover. Our approach to you has altered again and you have done nothing. In such an instance we are now devaluing your replacement and we want some delicious  hoover fuel from you. You triggered a hoover, the Hoover Execution Criteria was met and thus we come after you for that positive hoover fuel. Deny it us and we may suddenly shift in an instant to a malign hoover, again you are puzzled as to why our attitude towards you has altered so quickly, but from our perspective it makes sense. If you have rebuffed our hoover and we have decided against withdrawal, the easiest way to gain some fuel from you (to heal the wound caused by your rebuffing criticism) is to dole out a malign hoover and seek negative fuel from you.

If you approach us when we are infatuated with our replacement, you will receive a malign hoover (if not ignored as explained in The Immediate Aftermath ) because at that time your replacement is regarded as ‘white’ thus you remain ‘black’ as the opposite and equally strong reaction.

We blow hot and cold because of the ignition of our fury in the instant and also because of this constant need to create contrasts and accord with the principle of opposite and equal reactions. This is why we engage in black and white thinking, it enables us to create the contrast that our needs demand and consequently causes us to blow hot and cold with you. Sometimes the hot appears as passion and desire, other times as rage, sometimes the cold appears as indifference and disinterest and other times it is a silent treatment and ignoring you. So long as there is a contrast, we will blow hot and cold.

The effects of blowing hot and cold are as follows:-

  1. First and most importantly the gathering of fuel. This is to power the construct and also in certain instances to heal the wound caused by your criticism;
  2. To maintain control over you;
  3. To underline our omnipotence by being able to control you;
  4. To emphasise our notion of superiority;
  5. To disorientate you so you give fuel and fail to comprehend what is happening;
  6. To create an apparent lack of consistency which prevents your understanding and adds to your confusion;
  7. To prevent you from being able to move forward because you are emotional, confused and disorientated.

All of the above fits together so that there will be wheels within wheels as we blow hot and cold with you.

Part Two examines why we blow hot and cold with the Intimate Partner Secondary Source, the Dirty Secret Intimate Partner Secondary Source and the Non-Intimate Secondary Source which includes the familial narcissistic dynamic.

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3 Million

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Within the hour passed, my blog reached 3 million hits. Naturally, I am proud of this achievement and the growth which continues in this regard. The material provided by me is unique as it provides readers with an understanding of me and my kind in a way that is readily grasped by effectively communicating it in a way which is applicable to your own experiences. By unravelling the way we think and operate I am providing you with a remarkable insight into our inner workings which in turns allows you to apply this information to your benefit, if you so choose. Such quality observations and revelations ought to be spread far and wide in pursuit of my aim of becoming the number one resource for this information and to allow people to take hold of their own recovery and destiny in the most effective way.

In the same way that the narcissist-empathic dynamic is symbiotic, this continued success it predicated on a similar dynamic and thus were it not for the excellence of the information and the excellent readers that read it, this milestone would not have been achieved. I would like to thank my dedicated readers for continuing to read, to welcome the new arrivals and to look forward to yet more joining us. I appreciate your interesting, entertaining and challenging observations and comments. I find our interaction most worthwhile and as you learn from me, I also learn from you. Thank you.

There remains much to share with you in terms of my life, my treatment, how you can seize the power for yourselves and more besides. I have additional insights to give to you about yourselves and why you behave as you do and moreover why this makes you susceptible to us. There is more to uncover about the dynamic between us and I expect to see you there reading.

In terms of what you can look forward to, the following publications will be available in the next two months

  1. Will He Hoover Me?
  2. The Sins of the Empath
  3. Awakened
  4. The Empathic Strands
  5. Love and Loathed

With regard to forthcoming articles in the next month you can expect to read the following (in no particular order):

  1. Series : Five Common No Contact Mistakes
  2. The Incredible Sulk
  3. A Very POTUS Narcissist
  4. Get the Balance Right : How We Manage Our Appliances
  5. Crumbs of Conversational Comfort
  6. We Are All Addicts
  7. A Matter of Expression
  8. Series: When Narcissists Collide
  9. Punctuality Is the Politeness of Kings
  10. The Narcissist and Marriage
  11. Shards and Splinters
  12. Being Pro Social
  13. The Expanded Narcissistic Truths

Keep reading, keep telling others and keep seizing the power!

HG Tudor

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Derailed

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It hurts doesn’t it, when you see we have moved on with indecent haste and entered a new relationship. In the fullness of time you may look back and be thankful that we had turned to someone other than you, but at the moment of knowing that we are with somebody else so soon after discarding you (and even when you escape us it still stings – did you not matter at all?) it hurts you. Of course it does. You invested so much in the concept of us and then we did our level best to warp, batter, twist, burn and destroy what was built. Notwithstanding what has happened, it remains the case that you look on with a mixture of pain and astonishment at how soon we have managed to find somebody else and more to the point, how readily we flaunt this state of affairs through our repeated updates and relationship bulletins.

You should not be surprised at this development however once you begin to understand how we operate. Where you have been discarded, your replacement was already lined-up. We were spending time with your replacement, commencing the triangulation, sowing the seeds of your (invented) psychotic behaviour to them and seducing them ready to switch from you to them as easily as flicking a switch. To us this transition is normal and necessary. To you it offends your sense of honesty and decency. If you managed to escape us before we had found or embedded the replacement primary source you force us to locate and/or embed with urgency. We have been denied our primary source of fuel and need to put in place a new one straight away. The choice may not be perfect (hence why you may be wondering why on earth we are with that person) but be with someone we must and of course we want you to know. There is fuel to still be had from you and misery to unleash against you.

Yet, what is the situation should the shoe be on the other foot? How do we react when we become aware that you have chosen another intimate partner? What is our response?

Often this does not happen for some time. The reasons for this are manifold.

  1. You still want us. The addiction that we have placed inside of you means that irrespective of the abuse and the devaluation, you still want us back. This may be to try and correct what went wrong, it may be because you want the golden period again and/or it is because you have so many unanswered questions.
  2. You do not want anybody else. The impact of our abuse is so great that you can barely get through a day never mind contemplate interacting with another person on an intimate level.
  3. You are concerned that you may be ensnared again and even when you receive well-intentioned approaches from potential suitors, you reject them because you are too uncertain as to their motives. Thus you reject people and would rather not take the chance of being ensnared again.
  4. You wish to focus on yourself and your recovery and do not regard the commencement of a further relationship on an intimate level as conducive to achieving that aim.
  5. You are left feeling that you could not attract anybody else even if you wanted to. Your self-esteem and self-confidence have been shattered and the abuse has taken its toll on your assets and resources leaving you feeling that you are an unappealing prospect to a prospective suitor.
  6. The prospect of a romantic intimate relationship remains far too painful after the experience of being in one with our kind and therefore you decide against raking over old wounds.

We understand that there are these several reasons why you are unlikely to find someone after the Formal Relationship with us has ended. This is part of the reason why we are encouraged to keep coming back and hoovering you because there is unlikely to be somebody else involved who proves an obstacle to us doling out a Benign Follow-Up Hoover and drawing you back into our clutches.

However, it does happen. Some of you take a considerable time before moving on to another relationship for the reasons explained above. Others may move with more speed, not always for the right reasons but that is not what is to be examined here. Indeed, some of you are captured by a different member of our kind, falling victim to the apparent concern and charm exhibited by this white knight when you are still blind to what you entangled with the first time around. How do we feel when we see that you are with somebody else?

The immediate reaction is one of the ignition of fury. You belong to us. Under the terms of the Narcissistic Relationship you belong to us forever and therefore you are not permitted to enter into an intimate relationship with somebody else. That is an implied term of that contractual situation. By choosing somebody else you are telling us that we are not good enough. How dare you commit such a treacherous act? It does not matter that we got rid of you. It does not matter that we were horrible in our treatment of you and nobody (save us) could blame you for getting away from us. The fact is we expect your total loyalty forever. Your choice of someone else as an intimate partner (and this has equal applicability if you choose one parent over another, a sibling over another, or a friend over a narcissistic friend) is a huge affront to us and wounds us considerably. With this fury ignited we will seek fuel, both from our existing primary source and supplementary sources if need be, but we also want to draw this fuel from you and/or your intimate partner. We want to derail what you have got. You are not allowed to be loved by anybody but us. Nobody can make you truly happy, other than us. You will not be treated in the way you deserve to be treated by anybody but us. You are our possession and nobody else is allowed near you. With fury ignited and fuel being gathered to heal the wound caused by this criticism, what is our further response?

  1. You will be smeared to third parties. We will roll out a further smear campaign suggesting you were seeing this person behind our back (even though you may never have even known them when we were together or that it has been three years since you and I were in the Formal Relationship). We tell family, friends and all we can about how treacherous and unfaithful you have been. This gains us fuel and also has the potential to influence how those people treat you, allowing our power to be extended through them.
  2. You will be smeared to your new intimate partner. The lies will flow thick and fast as we look to frighten them off.

“Just thought I should let you know mate she is a gold digger.”

“You won’t know this but he has a serious drink problem. Get out while you can.”

“I hope you are using condoms pal after the amount of men that slut has had.”

“You need to sleep with one eye open, he is a maniac.”

“She won’t be faithful to you, you know. She is a user. Did it to me. She will do it to you.”

“She is a born liar. I bet she told you I am a nutcase didn’t she? Yes, you are nodding. She said the very thing to me about the chap she was seeing before me. She is dangerous. I ended up being hospitalised after the way she treated me. No need to thank me, thought you needed to know.”

“Good luck with that one pal, you will need it. What do I mean. Blimey, where do I start?”

  1. Your new partner will be smeared to you, by us.

“Just thought I should let you know he is a gold digger. I found out that he hasn’t a pot to piss in. I don’t want to think of him taking your money.”

“You won’t know this but she has a serious drink problem. Get out while you can. My friend is a doctor and has seen him being treated for excessive drinking. Just thought you should know.”

“I hope you are making him use condoms after the number of women that manwhore has had.”

“You need to sleep with one eye open, he is a maniac. My mate is a policeman. List of convictions as long as your arm. Of course if you ask him he will deny it, but you know me, I am just looking out for you. I always have done.”

“He won’t be faithful to you, you know. He is a user. Did it to his wife. He will do it to you. How do I know? Friend of a friend.”

“She is a born liar. I bet she told you I am a nutcase didn’t she? She doesn’t even know me and she is saying things about me. Imagine what she will start saying about you? It is only a matter of time.”

“Good luck with that one, you will need it. What do I mean. Blimey, where do I start?”

  1. Expect Benign Follow-Up Hoovers as we assert how much we miss you, how much we want you back, how we are better than this person. If we are content with our primary source this may still be done not to bring you back to us but just to ruin your relationship so you leave that person expecting to come back to us and then we turn our backs on you. All that matters is the fuel from our still functioning new primary source, from your distraught reaction to our behaviour and the knowledge we have messed up your relationship.
  2. Intimidation and malign hoovering in order to cause your new intimate partner to think that it is just not worth the hassle so they end up leaving you. “I do like you, but it is your ex, he scares me and I cannot have him causing problems for me at work, I am sorry, but I have to end things.”

We want to derail your new relationship. We want to control you. We do not want to see you exerting control over your life by choosing to be with someone else. We cannot bear to see you happy knowing that somebody else is causing this. We have to control you and all around us and this extends to affecting your new relationship. We will always look to drive a wedge between you and your new intimate partner, whether through appearing to do the right thing (warning you about this person or asserting we still love you) or by doing a bad thing (making it too much aggravation for both of you to remain together) so that we gain fuel from your reaction and his/her response to this interference and in so doing we exert our power and control, content in the knowledge that you are our possession once again. We must derail your happiness in a new relationship.

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Cherished and Chastised

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Understanding the narcissist is the key to achieving freedom from his or her manipulative wiles. Few people achieve it because the world view of the narcissist is distinctly different from that of other people. People make the mistake of regarding the actions and words of the narcissist from their own perspective. Once they regard these actions through the narcissistic lens then comprehension and knowledge can be achieved. How is this done? It is done by reading all about how the narcissist thinks and behaves, how he regards situations and why he responds in the way that he or she does. A series of observations awaits here which will give you further insight into the narcissistic mind direct from the narcissist himself and in turn you will gain knowledge. A useful and insightful tool that will assist you in grappling with the perversions and delinquencies of the narcissistic mind and thereafter enable you to achieve understanding and ultimately freedom.

US https://www.amazon.com/Cherished-Chastised-H-G-Tudor-ebook/dp/B01DL0RGWK

UK https://www.amazon.co.uk/Cherished-Chastised-H-G-Tudor-ebook/dp/B01DL0RGWK

CAN https://www.amazon.ca/Cherished-Chastised-H-G-Tudor-ebook/dp/B01DL0RGWK

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Read and understand all about narcissists from the best source possible. A narcissist himself.

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