Radio HG Tudor

outofthebox

 

AN INTERVIEW WITH A MASTER NARCISSIST: PART TWO
OUT OF THE BOX RADIO presents a very special follow up program taking you even deeper inside the manipulative mind of a master Narcissist. HG TUDOR not only explains how a narcissist is created and how they operate, but how you can free yourself once and for all of this destructive and heart breaking relationship.
It all takes place this Friday November 18th @ 3PM PT (6PM ET) @ http://ubnradio.com/shows/out-of-the-box-with-christine/
To hear Part One visit https://youtu.be/EtGNXwuoYUU
For more info on HG Tudor visit https://narcsite.com
Never miss an episode of OUT OF THE BOX RADIO by subscribing to the podcast at iTunes https://itun.es/us/MEw-_.c and now available on iHeartRadio!
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We Can Pretend

we-can-pretend

Here we are again. In that all too familiar place. I have lost count of how many times I have found myself here. Despite my very best endeavours, my valiant intentions and earnest dedication I am stood in his hallway of despair. Some time ago this hallway was a welcoming place where polished tiles gleamed and marble pillars glinted. The air was filled with the scent of jasmine, bright sunlight pouring in through the glass dome high above. So many corridors and doorways led from this hallway, offering exciting and intriguing possibilities, new experiences and enthralling opportunities. I can still picture you when you had crossed the threshold, invited into my world and you stood open-mouthed impressed and amazed by the grandeur. With a typically generous and expansive sweep of my arm I offered you the free run of those corridors and rooms. You took full advantage of my generosity and why not? You were a very welcome and special addition.

Now look at us. Your failure has made this a cold and desolate place. The dome has suffered as a consequence of you frequent eruptions of frustrated anger, the once clear panes now either broken or smeared with the grime of your betrayal. The sun has not shone into this hallway for a long time, in fact, neither of us can remember when it last did so. The tall pillars are cracked and chipped, testament to your unwarranted assaults on our person as your forked tongue of criticism lashed out at us. The tiles are fractured and uneven causing you to regularly trip and fall to the floor, the cold slap of your downfall a stark reminder of the change that has gripped this place. You can hear the low moan of the wind as it billows, wuthering and gusting, seeking entrance through the broken windows and dilapidated shutters. That is the wind isn’t it or is it the tortured protestations of the shades and spectres which still haunt this hallway? Sometimes you see them, the forlorn figures which glide haplessly along the dirty passageways, heads bowed as they seem to be seeking something. Whenever you see them you feel a strange sense of familiarity and understanding with their plight even though you are unsure who they are. No doubt a consequence of the empathic traits which still cause you to remain here.

I let you walk these beautiful corridors. I allowed you to marvel at the statues, the ornaments which adorned the walls and alcoves, mesmerising you with their beauty. You felt loved, you felt content and you felt safe as you walked this place never needing or wanting to step back through the door that you once entered all that time ago.

Now you are sat on the icy floor, your hands clasped together and raised in a gesture of contrition and pleading. Your face is etched with wounding woe and the lines of desperation evidence your determination to remain. I brandish the heavy iron key that will unlock the dark door which looms over you and which will reveal the doorway to the cold, uncaring and harsh would beyond, a world you have no desire to return to. I hold the key as I stand over you watching you and although I hear your voice I cannot discern what you are saying. You struggle to your feet, weakness pulling at you as you pull down the sleeve of the tattered garment which you wear and you begin to rub at a nearby pillar. You spit on it and frantically try to remove the grime as if you are showing me that the damage can somehow be undone. You turn and look at me, hand still moving back forth and I see that eternal optimism in your eyes. That look which once looked like paradise to me and now only serves to reinforce your selfishness in wanting to remain here after everything you have done and everything you have not done as you let me down. Again. The distortion that has surrounded your voice and now I can hear you as you are pointing to the windows and the doors which hang from their hinges, holes smashed into them.

” This place was once so beautiful and you have let it fall into neglect, why have you done this? I just do not understand. I helped you keep it shining and in a pristine condition but then you just lost interest, you would not work with me anymore and it began to fall into decline. It was too much for me to maintain alone though heaven knows I tried, I really did. Not only did you not help me but you then started to hinder me, stopping me from carrying out my tasks, holding me back and diverting me.”

Why are you saying such things to me? Why are you seeking to pin the blame on me? Why are you trying to make me responsible for the demise of this once grand place? I shake my head and point the key at you, a clear signal of my intent. Your face twists and the tears start to form in your eyes. Perhaps they might fall into the now dry fountain and bring about restoration. Does such restoration hang from your sadness?

“Don’t make me leave, please I do not want this to end,” you plead, your eyes, which once shone with delight and joy, which are now glazed as your fear of abandonment starts to rise.

“This does not have to happen, ” you continue as you place a hand against my arm, ” let me stay, I only want us to be happy, to be as we once were. Surely we can do that? Our laughter once echoed through this place and it can again. We can repair the damage, it is not about who caused it, I can put that to one side, I just want us to be together and for us to rebuild what we once had. We did it once, I know we can again, let us join forces and re-create that wonderful time once more, let us admit sunshine and clean away the dirt and the hurt that seeks to envelope this place. We can fix the glass, mend the doors, scrub the floors and clean and tidy and make good. We can do it. I know we can. I can sense it deep inside you, I know it to be the case.”

Your words are impressive and burgeoning with hope. Perhaps it can be done but then you let us down and for that you must pay the price. That momentary consideration of allying with you and recovering what we once had is dispelled. We shake our head.

“It cannot be recovered. There is no hope to do so,” we say slowly.

A tear spills down your cheek and hovers on your chin as if unsure of where to go.

“Then let us at least pretend that we walk through gilded and fragrant halls once more. Please? We can pretend can’t we?”

Yes, we can pretend. It is all we ever do.

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Time and the Narcissist – Part Two

 

time-and-the-narcissist-part-two

 

 

The Somatic Narcissist
The Somatic Narcissist is one of our kind who places the greatest stock in physical appearances. This is applicable to the narcissist in terms of being handsome or beautiful with an impressive and pleasing physique, well-dressed, hygienic and alluring using all the benefits of cosmetics and cosmetic surgery available. It also applies to the Somatic’s victims in terms of ensuring that they possess the relevant traits which the Somatic finds appealing, so that they too are physically attractive, well-groomed and such like. Furthermore, the Somatic’s peacocking extends to not just what he or she looks like and that their victim looks like, but also material trappings in terms of income, possessions, size of house and similar. Everything about the Somatic should look fantastic and everything around the Somatic should also look fantastic, just not as fantastic as him or her as clearly it would not be acceptable for the Somatic Narcissist to be outshone by his victim. Accordingly, how would the advancing of age affect this particular cadre, when considered also with reference to the three schools of narcissism? There is much information which can be relayed regarding the effects of aging on the somatic cadre and therefore this will need to be broken down according to each school of narcissism and then subdivided further. This article will address the effects of aging on the Lesser Somatic and first of all with reference to the lowest ranking of the lowest school, the Lower Lesser.
The Lower Lesser Somatic Narcissist – LLSN –
. This individual places great stock in wanting to look good but suffers from the delusion that he is better looking than he actually is. One would not describe him as ugly, he will indeed have a degree of handsomeness about himself but in his mind, he is devilishly handsome. His physique may be decent, but he sees it as extra-special and more ripped and buffed than he really happens to be. Everything about the Lower Lesser Somatic is such that whilst he has some physical attractiveness and would never be described as off-putting in that regard, his regard for his attractiveness in the way that he looks, the way he dresses and his lifestyle is such that he thinks he is irresistible.
Accordingly, when the onset of age arrives and the reasonable physique is lost, weight is gained, the muscle definition vanishes and he does not suit the clothes he insists still on wearing, he does not see this. In his mind, he remains the ravishing prospect he was in his 20s and even then, it was exaggerated. He does not see, in the same way that he does not see that he is a narcissist, he also does not see any deterioration in his looks and physical appeal.
The LLSN will still seek to gather fuel from sources based on his deluded physical attractiveness. He will continue to engage in the infidelity for which Somatics are renowned and regards those who have the somatic traits which he desires as fair game still, viable targets and ripe for the plucking. Accordingly, the primary source of the aging LLSN can expect to experience infidelity during devaluation but also scathing comments about the physical appearance of that primary source if he or she is advanced in age as well. The LLSN does not see his own receding hair line, but considers that his hair still suits him and that whilst the locks may not be leonine in nature, they are still attractive, but he will identify a grey hair on the head of a primary source at ten paces and make disparaging comments about the same. The primary source can expect to have their own physical appearance commented on, thus a sagging bottom will be derided, a weight gain will result in name-calling and dressing in a style appropriate with increasing age will be described as boring and frumpish, even though the LLSN will not see his own appearance as diminished.
This will cause the LLSN to pursue younger targets who are far more attractive and quite frankly out of his league. He will not have even the fallbacks of charm and/or economic power which might cause his targets to overlook his balding pate, missing teeth and paunch. Instead he will become a figure of derision as he insists in frequenting those hunting grounds which once worked so well for him a decade or two ago, but have changed beyond his limited powers.
Should anyone rebuff his attempts to seduce, he will react badly. His fury will be ignited and he will lash out at those who had scoffed at his ham-fisted attempts to ensnare them. He will respond with savage comments about the looks of the recipient of his attention, oblivious to how he is no position to cast stones around. He will hurl drinks over people, smash furniture and with his low control threshold he will engage in physical attacks as well.
This deluded behaviour coupled with the anti-social element of this ignited fury will result in him soon gaining a reputation in his locality, become derided as a figure of scorn and considered as a loser of a barfly. His anger will be taken out on those who reject him and his suffering primary source who, unaware of what he is and of advanced age also, will be unable and/or unwilling to escape him. They will suffer the brunt of his ignited fury as he returns from an evening out wounded by the scathing comments.
The volatile nature of the LLSN means that he will rarely struggle for fuel because he will either
1. Draw it from the negative reactions of those who reject him when he interacts with tertiary and secondary sources;
2. Draw it from the positive and/or negative responses of the long-suffering primary source;
3. Draw it from the positive and/or negative responses of an intimate partner secondary source.
The LLSN’s ability to remain effective in drawing fuel means that he will maintain sufficient energy to keep angling for an affair, a hook-up and a one night stand. He will be repeatedly rejected but in true playing the percentage style, he will eventually find someone who is taken in by his approach and thus he will acquire this intimate partner as a secondary source until he unleashes his fury against her and she loses interest.
The LLSN, in common with the school of being a Lesser, only has a small group of family and friends as secondary sources to begin with. He will rely on these individuals to provide intermittent fuel in the reducing interactions that occur, but he will look to the primary source and other secondary and tertiary sources that he meets out and about for his fuel provision. So long as he has mobility, he will continue to frequent the hunting grounds of his prime, even if he strikes a somewhat incongruous figure because of age, dress sense and music choice. He lacks the awareness to seek out his victims in a more age-appropriate hunting ground and therefore would believe he belongs in the mosh pit rather than at a tea dance.
The LLSN whilst relying on physicality to drive his seduction, does not polish and maintain that physicality like a higher school Somatic. Accordingly, the use of drink, tobacco, drugs – both street and prescription – which are all seen as part of the flash and fast lifestyle which he believes is his by right, will be continued and will begin to take their toll. Unless blessed with a particularly strong constitution, there is a risk that the LLSN will not reach the most advanced years and instead will succumb to the relevant fatal illnesses which are linked to such lifestyle choices.
The LLSN is likely to be found taking his last breaths, drunk, in a rain-soaked alleyway as his heart finally gives up under the strain of the demands he has made on it, with the dimming sound of yesteryear’s hits providing the final soundtrack to his last moments alive.
The Middle Lesser Somatic Narcissist – MLSN
The MLSN suffers from the same delusional outlook as the LLSN and therefore much of his behaviour and outcome will be similar to that described above. The slight difference is that the MLSN will have a little more charm, although not masses of it by any standard and will have a slightly improved economic situation so that when he is trawling the bars and fleshpots in order to seduce those tertiary and secondary sources he may have slightly more success in ensnaring somebody.
Whereas the LLSN cuts a rather isolated figure which lurches from venue to venue seeking a fix of fuel from potential targets, the MLSN as he ages is more likely to create a gang of hangers-on and cronies who will supply fuel and reinforce, in order to secure a free beer or a lift somewhere, the MLSN’s deluded view that he is still gorgeous and attractive. The MLSN will seek reassurance from this coterie as to his appeal and if it is not forthcoming, he will regard that as criticism and he will lash out at the coterie to draw negative fuel. Where the LLSN does this and becomes increasingly isolated by people who are fed up of being shouted at and hit, the MLSN has some ability to draw those coterie members back to him and continue the association.
Ultimately however the MLSN will behave like the LLSN and therefore will have a long-suffering primary source who he returns to repeatedly after engaging in sordid engagements with those he is able, after repeated attempts with different targets, to seduce. He will suffer the same ravages of his lifestyle, the same inability to control his fury when he is rejected and is unlikely to see particular old age as he succumbs to illness and disease as a consequence of his rampant promiscuity and unhealthy lifestyle choices. The main difference that the MLSN has over the LLSN is that he is able to attract people a little more readily owing to slightly higher charm levels and slight increased economic ability, but they are not significant improvements by any stretch of the imagination.
The Upper Lesser Somatic Narcissist – ULSN
The final subdivision of the lesser school is that of the Upper Lesser. How does he fare with the aging process when he is from the somatic cadre? Whereas the LLSN and MLSN are deluded as to the extent of their physical appeal, the ULSN is particularly physical attractive. He will have natural good looks, engages in a rudimentary regime of skin care and hygiene which is sufficient but far removed from that of the Greater Somatic and looks after his body. The female equivalent will attend gym classes, eat reasonably well and use cosmetics as far as she is able within the confines of a lower disposal income than the other schools of narcissism.
The ULSN has enjoyed much success through his or her life by relying on being physically attractive with a dash of pleasant charm to boot. They still possess the low fury control threshold but it is not as poor as that of the Lower Lesser, however when that fury is ignited the ULSN being in the best physical shape of the three subdivisions of Lesser Somatic Narcissists is the one more prone to causing damage and with an extended period of fury.
In terms of the effect of aging, the ULSN is not hampered by delusion but rather operates through the cynical exploitation of easily being able to attract people to him and rely on pure looks, sexual expertise and animal-magnetism as opposed to utilising economic power, intellect, witticisms and/or charm by the ladleful. When aging occurs to the ULSN he finds that his muscles begin to waste, his looks start to fade and the march of time really begins to take its toll. Also a devotee of the beer, cigs and drugs brigade so often the hallmark of Lesser behaviour, the ULSN was able to counter the effects of this when younger by reason of stamina, youth and racing metabolism. Not any longer. He actually suffers the worst swing in physical appearance of the Lessers. The LLSN and the MLSN were not ugly but they were never stunning and therefore there is only so far they can fall in terms of physical appeal. The ULSN has indeed further to fall as he gains weight, loses his hair, sees his athletic prowess much reduced, struggles for breath and so on.
Lacking the back-up of intellect, wit and charm which would be seen with an Elite and lacking the cognitive function of the Mid-Range and Greater, the ULSN is taken by surprise by his sudden reduction in attractiveness. He does not know what to do. He is not afforded the delusional capacity of his other Lesser Somatic bedfellows but rather he looks on in horror at the sagging skin, the watery eyes, the stiffness of movement. He is becoming the very thing he has never wanted to be; old.
He will suffer a crisis of confidence and this will result in him shunning those hunting grounds which he once prowled so easily. Instead, he will turn to his primary source and alternate between wanting reassurance that she or he is still attracted to him or her and lashing out because of his increasing frustration at his withering frame. His rancour will increase as he ages, causing those who might otherwise wish to fraternise with him to remain away. He does not become more distinguished with age nor does he retain that small amount of charm he once had as an Upper Lesser, instead it is swept away by his increasing bitterness and hatred. He will retreat into a shell, turning to pictures of his former beautiful self for a reminder of what was once but in seeking such affirmation he only increases his torture and will rail against the unfairness of it all, lashing out at his primary source.
The ULSN runs the risk of alienating the primary source and having retreated from other sources through increasing shame at his appearance – which is exacerbated by his reduced fuel levels – the ULSN really then does suffer a crisis of existence. He risks depression as he loses what he believed himself to be and without the trappings of wealth to cause a diversion as a higher schooled somatic may have, he finds himself lonely, suffering the ravages of his lifestyle choices, isolated and a bitter and irate figure. He cannot deal with the loss of his looks, the departure of his once excellent physique and has nothing else to turn to by way of compensation. He will struggle to attract fuel sources and will embark on ham-fisted and ultimately failed seduction of secondary sources, whereby he will not gain sufficient positive fuel from the engagement but rather will turn to lashing out against them and the primary source. In his quest to gain fuel from both primary and secondary, but having little or nothing to offer by way of seduction any more, he may find himself without either.
Whilst the LLSN and MLSN may shuffle off this mortal coil at a younger than anticipated age, they will do so still believing themselves to be attractive and irresistible and therefore their passing away will be somewhat cossetted by delusion. The ULSN will face the horrible and stark reality of the deleterious effects of aging, in terms of illness, disease and the loss of looks and will descend into an isolated, unhygienic, weakened state. Once the lifestyle has caught up with them and they collapse with diseased lungs labouring for breath, he will be thinking ‘I used to be gorgeous, what has happened?’ With his construct near collapse from the shortage of fuel, the reality will become even more harsh and it will be a terrifying and brutal end as he is overtaken by the effects of age, sooner than it ought to have been.
Part Three examines the effect of age on the Mid-Range Somatic.

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The Narcissistic Covenant

the-narcissistic-covenant

 

There is a covenant which exists between you and I, between our kind and your kind. It is not necessary for you to provide consent to this covenant in order for it to be binding. You do not know that this covenant exists but it does. Its terms govern the relationship between us and you, whether you are entangled with the Lesser of our kind, the Mid-Range r the Greater. It matters not. The covenant applied from the moment that we selected you to be our victim. There are ten parts to this covenant and they reflect the mind set and attitude of our kind towards you and how you and I interact. There is little doubt that in looking back at your entanglement with us you will recognise certain elements of this but whilst you were very much in our grip, you would have no idea that these were the terms which governed our treatment of you.

  1. You were chosen

Our ensnaring of you might have been portrayed as chance, a piece of serendipity but it was not. You were chosen to be our victim. The Lesser will have instinctively recognised your potential without knowing why. The Mid-Range will have applied some thought to the process, potentially dismissing less favourable candidates. The Greater identified you, monitored you and then moved in for the “kill”. In every instance you were chosen.

  1. You belong to us

You are an object to us. An appliance. Therefore, we are able to assert proprietary rights over you just as we would with some other kind of object or chattel. Since we own you, we choose what to do with you, without recourse to you or anybody else. This is our inalienable right.

  1. You exist solely for our purposes

We are the centre of your world, the heart of your universe and at all times everything that you do should be focused on us, for our benefit and advancement. You do not exist for your family. You do not exist for our children. You do not exist for your friends, colleagues, fellow members of a club or congregation. We are all that matters to you.

  1. This is forever

This covenant lasts for ever. In our minds it is one that exists in perpetuity for we do not wish to contemplate our own demise and care nothing for yours, other than it inconveniencing us by the interruption to our supply of fuel. This relationship transcends all others. You may have told us that you do not wish to be “with us” any longer. You may have broken off the engagement or divorced us. In our mind all that you have done is end the Formal Relationship which is something that people lesser than our kind engage in with one another and that which we accede to for the sake of fitting in. In our minds our relationship exists beyond this Formal Relationship. This is the Narcissistic Relationship and means we remain entitled to effect the terms of this covenant against you at all times until your last breath or our last breath.

  1. This is totalitarian

There is no limit to our power over you. We are entitled to and we will exercise our right to, govern every facet of your life, interfere in everything that you do, monitor you and control you in order to achieve our aims. You must accept that you are entirely subservient to us.

  1. You cannot end this covenant

You have no rights under this covenant. You cannot bring about its unilateral termination. Indeed, it cannot be ended at all. You are not able to state that its terms are inapplicable to you, that it has no jurisdiction or effect over you. Such protestations are invalid.

  1. We owe you nothing

We are entitled to do as we please without challenge, question or restraint. We have no obligation to do anything for you. We have no compulsion to act in your interests, have regard to your opinion, your feelings or your desires. If we do so, it will only be for the advancement of our position.

  1. Fuel provision is paramount

The provision of fuel is above all else. This is in terms of what you must provide to us and also in allows us to seek fuel from other sources, whenever we deem necessary and howsoever we choose. Concepts of fidelity and monogamy are null and void with regard to this part of the covenant. Issues of protocol and etiquette and meaningless.

  1. The Ends Justifies the Means

The covenant grants us carte blanche to do what is necessary for our purposes. This is supported by our concept of total entitlement and the fact that we have no accountability, culpability or blameworthiness for any of our actions. Whatever needs to be done will be done to ensure the furtherance of our agenda, aims and needs.

  1. We are the Victim

We are the victim in all of this. This is why the covenant exists by reason to compensate us for all of the outrageous injustices, misfortunes, unfairness and hardships that this cruel and feckless world has meted out to us.

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I Want to be Adored

adored

 

The only time that I have felt safe when I was young was when I felt powerful. There were two ways that I was able to achieve this. Adoration or fear. By causing someone to adore me, I felt powerful, I felt myself swelling inside, a warmth sweeping across me, a sensation of unlimited potential. I have realised now that this gave me a sense of feeling omnipotent, invulnerable and capable of doing anything. Indeed, the achievements that I accomplished, through academia, sport, hobbies supported this sensation that so long as I felt powerful I could do anything that I wanted but most of all nobody would hurt me. Of the two catalysts for this, people adoring me or people fearing me, it was adoration which arose first. When I am forced to think back to my childhood (since it is not something that I voluntarily do) I remember that those isolated and they were isolated, those isolated moments of adoration shielded me from everything else that went on.

When I was praised, complimented, lauded and applauded I felt this sensation of power surge inside of me and this overcame the wariness and nervousness that otherwise governed my day to day existence. You see, I learned that it was wiser to remain in the shadows. Out of sight meant out of range and therefore the caustic criticisms and cutting chastisement could be avoided, but only for so long. I cannot recall the first time that I felt the power which rose from praise but I do remember on one occasion I had finished first in the class in respect of English. I did not know what my position would be and I passed the sealed envelope to my mother who loomed over me as she always did. I waited for the irritated sigh, the articulation of disappointment or even the stinging slap of annoyance but none of these familiar mechanisms visited me this day.

“Excellent work.”

Had I misheard? No, I had been told that what I had achieved was excellent and I felt the warm surge which I would later come to know as the power. I tried to reach out, emboldened I suppose by this feeling of safety, to hug my mother but she sidestepped my attempt and moved away. For once though I did not feel that crushing sensation whenever she did such a thing to rebuff me, I felt good, I felt safe and it was because she had praised me. It was only much later that I began to understand the connection between being praised and adored made me feel so much better inside. I was always pushed, driven, instructed and commanded to excel and I knew that the achievement of excellence would surely draw more of this delicious praise that I craved so, so much. Little did I realise how elusive this place of safety caused by adoration would prove to be.

The following year, my first at secondary school and I received a mid-year report, around the end of November. With the change of school came the change of practice, for we were allowed to see our list of placings follow the mid-year examinations and besides the placing was the percentage score achieved, the grade and comments thereafter. I recently located all of my reports and sought out the very first one from my secondary school as I needed to check that my memory had not rusted given the passage of time. It had not. There amongst the results was the one for English Language. I was placed first, the percentage achieved was 76%, the grade was B+ and the comments are best described as cautious encouragement. I was first again. Top of the class. I felt the anticipatory surge of the praise that was sure to come once this report was passed to my mother.

Later that day I handed the report to her. My results were very good, I realised that, but it did not matter. I wanted, I needed her to tell me and make me feel good.

“I came top in English again,” I commented drawing attention to one of many highlights. There was no response as my mother took the folded sheet, opened it and examined the paper for evidence to support my assertion. I waited for the praise to come, relishing the warmth that would rise inside of me.

“Edward!” exploded my mother calling my father’s name. My father dutifully entered the living room from the adjoining study.

“Yes dear?” he asked.

“He came top with seventy-six per cent, just seventy-six per cent. That was enough to top the class. Have you placed him in a class of idiots? This is not good enough.”

My father began one of his protestations as he sought to mollify my mother. I do not recall what he said or what she said by way of response as their voices became background noise as I felt the anxiety and fear sweep over me. I was not good enough. I came top just like last time but it was not good enough. I turned and ran upstairs, the shame burning through me. There was no power. I felt unsafe, exposed and vulnerable. On the landing I passed my sister, Rachael, who had no doubt emerged as a consequence of my mother’s screeching and my father’s bumbling replies, ready to try to pacify the eruption as she always sought to do.

“What is it HG?” she asked.

“Nothing,” I snapped at her. I didn’t want her mocking me as well.

“Is it your exam results?” she asked. I nodded.

“Did you come top again?”

I nodded.

“Wow, that’s great, you are so clever HG,” she smiled and hugged me. I did not respond. I felt stiff and awkward but her comment caused the shame to lessen and a slight surge. It was not the same though. I broke away and headed to my room to curl up on my bed and hope that the still lingering shame would leave me alone.

I so desperately wanted that sense of power again and it had been denied to me. I felt useless. I knew however that there was only one thing to do. Work harder. Apply myself. Try harder and then she would give me the praise that I wanted and needed and that was rightfully mine.

I am beginning to understand that the seeds of my need to be adored were sown through instances like this. Adoration created power which created safety. Adoration created power which created the ability to do more, achieve more and gain even further adoration. Hers was always the adoration I wanted the most for with it I felt more powerful but I also found that any form of compliment, praise or adoration achieved a similar outcome. I knew that in order to be the powerful figure I knew that I actually was, all I had to do was ensure that I was adored. Achievement and accomplishment were the routes to gaining this adoration but then I realised that whilst I was successful, it was actually the image of success that mattered. Who were people to know that I didn’t actually hold the school record for swimming 100m when I recounted such an achievement years later? They did not know but the looks of admiration came nevertheless. All I had to do was show that whatever boast I made was vaguely credible. My physique being athletic meant that nearly all sporting achievements could be passed off as my own and I began to supplement those that I had with the bogus ones. The results were just the same if not better. Thus it became easy to tell lies. I did not stop securing achievements, I still had to be the best in my chosen fields, but I began to tell more and more lies to achieve the looks of admiration and adoration. I realised that it served my purposes to acquaint myself with other successful people because firstly, I belonged to such a group and secondly, I could listen to their achievements and then go and use them as my own. I could build up my suit of armour with a combination of my accomplishments and those stolen from those I interacted with. All that mattered was that I gained the praise, I received the admiration and the adoration. This desire infected all of my relationships and as time went on, I wanted and needed this from the man I passed in the street as I walked to the convenience store. I wanted and needed it from colleagues, friends, strangers in particular from those that I coupled with in the form of an intimate relationship. This was what mattered. I had to be adored because once I was I felt powerful, I was the person that I was meant to be. I ruled. I conquered. I felt safe. Nobody could hurt me when I felt this way. This is why I want you to adore me, each and every day, to praise the way I make a cup of tea for you, to compliment the way I dress, to admire the money that I make, to laud how popular I am, to adore the way I lead you by the hand into the bedroom.

She taught me that to survive I had to be praised. If this did not happen I felt weak, crushed and useless and such a sensation would arise from any and all criticisms that I perceived in respect of people’s treatment of me. The fact that praise was not forthcoming meant that this must inherently be a criticism and this wounds me, makes me feel small and pathetic and I am not those things, but you make me feel like that and that is why I lash at you. That is why I blame you because you do make me feel like that when you have it in your gift to adore me and make everything better for me.

Isn’t that what she was meant to do? Make everything better. I need to you to do that now. I want to be adored.

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Time and the Narcissist – Part One

time-and-the-narcs

I am often asked about the effects of the advancement of time on our kind. I have written about how this affected one of my uncles, Robert and how I have laid plans to explain how his fate will not befall me. What, though, of how the advancement of time and aging impacts on our kind more generally? The standard question that is asked is whether a narcissist will get better or worse with age. As you might expect, it is not as straight forward as that as it will depend on the cadre of narcissist and the relevant school.

The Victim Cadre

All of our kind see ourselves as victims and will make use of emotional blackmail, pity plays and drives for sympathy as part of the narcissistic arsenal to further our aims, but one cadre of narcissist takes it to an extreme and relies on sympathy, pity and being cared for more often and more intensely and thus amounts to being a Victim Narcissist.

The Lesser Victim

Age will give the LVN more to complain about, more to point to and more to seek sympathy for. Used to already drawing his fuel primarily through the application of concern, sympathy and caring, he can look forward to getting more of this as time advances. As his illnesses become worse, his flesh weakens and his conditions become all the more debilitating he will rely heavily on gaining his fuel from his primary source who is likely to be his primary carer. Lacking the ability to seek fuel from fraternising with new sources, the LVN will look to have his fuel levels maintained by the primary source and a small group of family and friends.

He will be something of a curmudgeon, always complaining about his aches and pains in order to draw that fuel and will be seen as a burden. Lacking control, he will often erupt when he feels he is not being cared for and his physical pains become too great for him. He will have chosen most likely a Carrier Empath to shoulder this burden but if the primary source should ever escape, although this is less likely as the relevant primary source will have been selected for his or her quality caring and domestic attributes, he is likely to be moved to a care home where a succession of carers will be shunted between primary – non intimate – sources and secondary sources.

The LVN in advanced age will struggle to find a replacement intimate partner primary source if he or she is lost. This is because the LVN relies on solely his need to be mothered and looked after as his ‘selling point’. His own parents will be dead and therefore they cannot be promoted to primary source and he will lack the mobility and cognitive function to seduce a new intimate partner primary source. He can do this when younger, when his conditions are not as extensive and he finds that especially caring individual but when he is much older, he does not have this option. He has neither charm, money or intellect to draw a younger appliance to him and therefore the LVN runs the risk of losing the long-standing primary source through his rants and tantrums.

He will find himself trying to rely on family members, possibly brother, sisters or children, as secondary sources but none will be willing to adopt the mantle of primary source as they will have their own lives to lead and unless the LVN can sustain fuel from these secondary sources along with professional carers also as secondary sources, he faces a diminution in fuel which will add a further weakness to the physical and mental ones which have already amassed. Decrepitude is inevitable.

The aged LVN becomes even more unappealing with age. Furious at his limitations, unable to control that fury, but weakened from fuel losses, his is an unpleasant dotage. He will lash out at those who care for him, running the risk of isolating them and becoming the author of his own misfortune as he is visited less and less by a reducing pool of friends and family. If able to secure professional care, he will be regarded as a cantankerous and unpleasant charge for those caring for him who only do so out of a sense of professional obligation and therefore the fuel provided by these professional caregivers will be limited. He will invariably lack mobility and even access to technology is unlikely to assist through reduced cognitive function, diminished hearing and eyesight.

He will also have led a life which has been poor in terms of health and hygiene. He may well have issues with drink and will turn to this in particular as he slowly drinks himself to death, using it as a crutch against the cruelty of the world leaving him in this manner. He will sink into a routine of demanding his fix of drink or tobacco, caring not for the deleterious impact it will have, but rather needing the short-term boost it provides him with, oblivious to the downward spiral he has embarked on.

A combination of poor lifestyle choices, pre-existing health problems and the potential loss of a primary source caregiver, with other sources remaining away owing to the unpleasant, nasty and malodorous nature of the LVN means that they are more likely to face death in their 50s and 60s.

The LVN, unable to control his beast, will frighten away those but the most hardy and thus he runs a considerable risk of descending into decrepitude, alone, furious and unloved as his already shortened days come to an ignominious end.

The Mid-Range Victim

The MRVN follows a similar path to that of the LVN. Age will not be kind to him, increasing his discomfort, exacerbating his pain and making him rail against the unfairness of his situation. Whereas the LVN becomes the architect of his isolation by his inability to keep his fury under control at those around him, the MRVN has an increased cognitive function which he or she will put to better use.

The MRVN will retain some degree of charm, though nowhere near the standard of the greater, but he will be able to amuse and draw people to him, politely seeking their assistance with lowering him into the bath or rubbing lotions into his aching limbs. He does not like this reliance but has enough awareness to realise that he needs the assistance of others and he also has sufficient control over his fury to avoid lashing out in a fit of temper against those he needs to care for him

The MRVN stands a better chance of holding on to his primary source and also recognises that this person not only cares for him and thus provides fuel, but will provide a host of residual benefits and accordingly his machinations will mellow as he ages. He has enough acumen to recognise that having someone cook, clean and care for him as he ages is a useful trade-off for sticking with the same person. The likelihood of infidelity will diminish considerably from an already low point since Victim Narcissists have little interest in sex but rather use their general incompetence or impotence in that arena to garner the sympathy that fuels them. They have no need to be applauded for being a sexual Olympian when they can roll out a pity play for the inability to perform and blame it on some long-standing imagined fear.

As the MRVN ages there will be a lessening of the drama that once existed and with decreased energy levels he can no longer sustain the playing off of people against one another and instead focuses on just receiving their emotional attention and being cared for. He will use his moderate degree of charm to ask people to come and see him, pretending to take an interest in what the grandchildren are doing or how his favourite nephew is getting on with his new job. He will place a sprinkling of sugar in order to get those secondary sources to pay heed to him. The MRVN will make particular use of familial secondary sources during his dotage and indeed the primary source can witness a lessening of their burden as a ‘reward’ for sticking with the MRVN. If these mild charm offensives do not work however, what you will notice is that what fury is ignited will manifest as emotional blackmail and sulking as the MRVN coerces secondary sources into caring for him and visiting to provide fuel.

‘I am your father, not that it seems to matter to you, you haven’t visited me in two weeks.’

‘I will just sit here on my own shall I while you gad about, you selfish so and so.’

‘Old Bill gets plenty of visitors so I am left wondering where mine are.’

The family and friends of the MRVN can expect such spikey comments to be made in telephone calls and messages for the purposes of emotionally blackmailing those sources into providing fuel.

The MRVN will ensure he is well-cared for with a motivated primary source and plenty of secondary sources, galvanised through the carrot of mild charm or the stick of emotional blackmail. He is unlikely to struggle for fuel and recognises the considerable advantages of keeping onside the primary and secondary sources for the residual benefits. He is not as short-sighted, either literally or figuratively, as the LVN. For the most part, his demeanour will improve, save for occasional sulks and silent treatments, but these will not be as prolific as when he was younger. His old age will be comfortable for him as he is content to settle into the routine of being cared for and given a reasonable level of fuel , able to recognise his limitations and control his fury, for the most part. Those around him will find the occasional period of self-centred sulking and demands for assistance, but will most likely find him to be less arduous that he was when was younger.

The MRVN will have taken a reasonably sensible course through life and notwithstanding his ailments and physical shortcomings, he will have sufficient charm and economic power to ensure that the autumn of his life is relatively comfortable, if restricted. He will confine himself to his ‘tower’ and expect others to attend on him.

The Greater Victim

This combination of cadre and school does not exist.

Part Two will address the Somatic cadre and the relevant schools applicable to that type of narcissist.

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Read and understand all about narcissists from the best source possible. A narcissist himself.

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