Do feel free to ask me anything you like. I am here for you to dip into my mind and for you to benefit from learning how I view the world. No question is off limits and if you want to establish a dialogue with me, then so much the better. You will be helping me so I can show the treatment team that I am interacting with people in this setting. You can ask me why I do certain things, what am I thinking, what my favourite food is, whatever you like. This is your chance to extract as much knowledge and information from me as you possibly can. If you want to just make a statement, go ahead. Fill your boots. I don’t know you so I won’t fly into a rage (this does happen when people I know question me but that is because they have an agenda – you don’t because we don’t know one another). I look forward to hearing from you.
Dr E wanted to discuss with me the consequences of my behaviour. I agreed to listen. The sneaky head doctor had only gone and obtained testimonies from various people who have apparently suffered at the hands of my kind. I recognised a few of the comments and suspect that he had spoken to people that I know although he denied this. We argued for ten minutes as I demanded that he tell me who he had spoken to but he maintained that the information had been given on the basis of preserving anonymity. I challenged this and explained that if he could not attribute the comments then he had surely made them up. He assured me that he had not. I then told him that these comments were lies. He conceded that he could not confirm the veracity of the comments since he had only heard their side but he asked me, for the purposes of the discussion, to just accept they were accurate. I knew if I didn’t I would have to spend longer with him so I nodded. The first comment was that I was like a tornado that blew in without warning and caused carnage wherever I went. I agreed that I was intense in my desire for somebody but they always enjoyed that. I said I did not understand the reference to carnage. He moved on.
The next comment was that I shattered people’s self-esteem and took away their identity. I laughed at that. How could I take away their identity? I countered that their self-esteem was invariably broken when I arrived and I helped to try and repair it. He jotted down something at this point. Next up was the comment that I trampled over people’s feelings and left them a broken shell.I pointed out that sometimes people could not cope with the fullness of my personality, especially if they were a wallflower. Next up was the observation that I ruined financial stability and had no concept of what belonged to others. I responded by explaining that when you are in a relationship you are meant to share and if they could not handle sharing their property with me then that was their issue and not mine. Dr E ploughed on with comment after comment all essentially suggesting that I caused heartache and destruction left, right and centre. I am pleased to report that I batted back all the observations successfully. He sighed and lowered his clipboard. He paused and then said,
“Last one, you came in like a wrecking ball.”
I just stuck my tongue out to that one.
As part of my ongoing work with Dr O and Dr E I have been encouraged to tell them about the things that I say and the things that I do for them to consider and compile. I have been happy to oblige. They instructed me to place this distillation of my activities into a guide and they then added some observations as to the meaning of these actions and comments. They did most of the work for the meaning, albeit I framed it in my world view. The purpose of this is to demonstrate the cold calculation that lies behind my words and deeds because do understand that everything I say and do has been evaluated first as to how it will best serve my aims. Anybody who tells you that what I do not know what I am saying or doing is either misguided or lying. I know exactly what I am doing. Indeed, I think it was from the film Dangerous Liaisons that one character was described thus, ‘He does not open his mouth without first calculating the damage that he will cause.’ or words to that effect. That is me. Accordingly, the good doctors felt that not only would this provide excellent material for them to consider and for them to then discuss with me in order for me to gain an understanding as to what I say and I do (I already know that – I do it to gain fuel) but for it to serve as a rough and direct guide for other people. An in-your-face crash course in recognising the ways of me and my kind. I was only to happy to oblige as this provides me with a platform to show you all just how brilliant I am and as you know, I do love an audience. Interestingly, when detailing some of my key phrases I noticed Dr O shudder a few times and I am beginning to wonder if she has more vested in her study and treatment of me than she has admitted. I will be watching her most carefully. Accordingly, in order with the good doctors’ prescriptions I have compiled this guide for your digestion so that you may better watch out for me and my kind. No doubt, as the good empath that you are, you will wish to share this with those you care about, in order to ensure they are better protected. You can find the guide at the links below. Good luck.
I like it when you are lonely. That is my favourite place for you. When we first meet if you make mention of feeling lonely, or send a self-pitying tweet decrying your loneliness then I am straight on to you. You may as well have taken a knife to your chest, slit it open and shouted, “Come and get me.” Those in a state of loneliness are massively susceptible to my overtures when I decide to engulf you in my bombardment of flattery and zealous appreciation. Those who have tired of their single status and wallowing in solitary confinement seize on this interest of mine. The red flags may be fluttering but you never see them or if you do, you think “how pretty”.
I may make you feel wanted and special but all I am doing is moving you. I am transporting you from loneliness in the real world to isolated splendour in my false reality. Once I have positioned you there I shall busy myself cutting you off from family, friends and acquaintances. You will readily go along with my fabricated denigrations of people you once held dear and who you saw regularly. You want more of the sugar that I am pouring on you. To do that you need to spend more time with me and thus less with anyone else. It is hardly a sacrifice though is it? Any dissenting voices are marginalised by cleverly constructed smear campaigns against these people (watch out – that campaign will be used against you in the not too distant future). You are an eager co-conspirator happy to discard these people (how can you be so callous?) with the repeated promise and reward of more of my intoxicating attention.
Once all those ties have been cut you are mine. You are dependent on me for everything. You have nobody to turn to and thus your focus will always be on me. As you try harder to please me, the realisation of your isolation becomes all the more apparent. You can feel the tendrils of loneliness wrapping around you once again. I know you will feel this and I know you will do all the more to cling onto me, your life raft, your beacon of hope in the wilderness. Anything to avoid being left alone. I am afraid it is too late. Your isolation was sealed the moment you listened to me. You are so alone nobody can hear you scream.
How is that we are so skilled at reading people? It is straight forward. We spend all of our waking time doing it. We do not feel most emotions so we have to learn about them. We also need to learn what you like and dislike so this enables us to ensnare you in the first place. Our need to mimic what you do is fundamental. Thus we watch and observe you and other people to see how you react in certain situations. We then carefully log this in our minds. We know how much you love animals so any adverse comment about a cat or a dog will cause you to be upset. If we target this at your pet then your reaction is even stronger. We are aware that you have a poor relationship with your sister so we will use this knowledge to extract appropriate reactions from you by commenting favourable on things that she does. This may make us seem pleasant by paying her a compliment but we are really doing it because we know it will draw a reaction from you.
Years of practice has made us masters at this. It helps us in two ways. We learn how we should react and thus build up our complement of masks which we use to get us through life. It also enables us to know exactly which buttons to press with you to elicit the best reaction to suit our purposes. You will look back on our relationship and regard it as uncanny how we had this knack. You will wonder if it is some sixth sense peculiar to my kind. People often wonder if its learned at some Narc Academy. The reality is that from an early age we were watching, scrutinising, logging and mimicking in order to apply the best way of manipulating you.
One of my other psychiatrists, I call her Doctor O (she is obsessed with me – I don’t think that’s very professional albeit it is only natural) instructed me to make a list of things that I say when I first meet somebody. I sighed and rolled my eyes. How am I meant to do that? I speak to so many people and to be honest, they all seem to merge into one to me, so it is very difficult for me to distinguish between them and recall what I have said. She was insistent however and then it dawned on me. I don’t need to remember at all. You do. After all, meeting me is such a memorable occasion my wonderful words will have been etched on your hearts forever. Seeing as I have done so much for you, perhaps you would do me a favour (you will do me a favour or else) and tell me what I said to you in the embryonic stage of our relationship. That way I can collate them and pass them to Doctor O and then perhaps she might be a little less obsessed. Don’t dilly dally though, I need to know so I will feel better.
Becky (an ex girlfriend) would turn to me and some times say,
“I just feel like your puppet at times.”
I had to look the other way because I wanted to laugh. My nickname for her was poppet. She loved me calling her that. I used it straight away when we first met. It was actually a useful device as the other lady I was seeing, Susan, received that nickname from me too, but she was on the way out. It meant I could call them both poppet and not mix up their names with the invariable histrionics that would ensue. God, I am good.
What Becky had not realised that my calling her poppet was a corruption of puppet and every time I used it I would be laughing inwardly and beaming outwardly. She thought I was just smiling because I was pleased to be with her.
That is what it is all about. Making you my puppet. This is my aim. This is the means to my end of obtaining my fuel from you. As you will no doubt becoming familiar with, the means always justifies the end. Accordingly, by ensuring you become my puppet I am in the optimum position to control you to extract every drop of fuel I can from you.
I need to control you so that you admire me when I want it. I need to control you so that I can pull the strings and make you jerk to my tune. I am the puppetmaster.
To make you my puppet I engage on a two-pronged approach. Firstly, I make you utterly dependent on me. I open the doors and let you look upon heaven. That way you are in awe of what I can give you and you want it, oh you really, really want it. Secondly, I will then remove every method of support both real and potential that you might rely on to try and recover your free will (family, friends, colleagues and so on – I will be posting about how I do this through my slur campaign in a separate post) so that you have nobody to turn to. Thus, as you look on heaven entranced and enraptured, I am opening the trapdoor to hell right under your feet.
Once I have those strings attached to you we can begin our dance. It is long. It is exhausting. It is dangerous.
Dr E was asking me about my relationships and how they always fall. Within this discussion, he wanted to know what happened when I decided that I was no longer interested in somebody. Through our frequent discussions, it is fair to state that there comes a point in all of my relationships (be they lovers, friends, colleagues and so on) that something happens where I lose interest and instead feel an overriding need to demean and belittle. Dr E wanted me to identify what it was that brought about this volte face.
I actually gave this quite a bit of consideration. I was thinking for so long that the silence clearly got to Dr E as he started to question me. Is it because I am no longer getting attention from that particular person? No. Often they are showing me the usual levels of adoration and attention. Moreover they will increase that once they sense I am losing interest. Try all they might they cannot rekindle my enthusiasm. Perhaps it is because they do or say something that you dislike? No. They often do this but this tends to happen after I have lost the passion for them, it is not the cause. Dr E groped around. Maybe then that it is because something more interesting comes along (notice how he said something rather than someone – he is starting to learn my vocabulary now). Again, no. Admittedly this often happens but it is not the cause. Dr E tapped his notebook with his pen.
“Do you know what it is then or perhaps you just don’t?” he asked.
I don’t like him suggesting I don’t know. I know everything.
“I do know,” I replied.
“It is because I can.”
I am self-sufficient. I do not need you and therefore I do not appreciate you. I never show any thanks for what you do for me because I am entitled to it anyway. You should be doing all those things for me by reasons of being so fortunate to have someone so special as me in your life. When you give me a present, or cook a sumptuous meal or arrange a day out for me you are just fulfilling your duty. That is why I never say thank you. Instead, I will look to turn it around and suggest you are only doing it because you feel guilty about something (I won’t point to anything specific that you are guilty of because I prefer to gave you in a near permanent state of anxiety and accuse you of doing something wrong, without giving any detail, is a great way to do this). Then again, I will accuse you of selfishness as I project my own behaviour onto you. I will declare that you have only arranged the day out because you wanted to go or that you cooked the meal as it was your favourite food. Anything to diminish the gracious and pleasant thing that you have done. I cannot stand to think you can act selflessly because it reminds me so much of my complete inability to do so. You are reminding me of my weaknesses and that irritates me. In fact, it chews away at me so much that I have to try and wipe the thought away. This means I will do what I do best. Lash out at you.
How many times have you been left feeling bewildered and upset after you have tried to do something you thought I would like only for me to either shrug and barely acknowledge your kind-hearted gesture or even worse I have erupted in a rage and gone on the offensive. You are left shell-shocked. You hear yourself apologising even though you have no idea why but you are so conditioned to my behaviour, the instant apology trips off your lips before you have even had chance to think about it. You are left belittled and upset, no doubt holding the present you looked long and hard for in your hands after I threw it at you and stormed out of the room. The terrible thing is, you will keep trying to win my gratitude. It is not going to happen.
Love. It is the most powerful emotion. It is the emotion that virtually everybody wants to receive. Love from your parents, love from your best friend and love from your other half. In fact, that desire goes further. Companies want people to love their products. An artist wants the public to love his creations. A chef wants diners to love his meals. It is interesting how widely used the word love is. Come to this theme park, you will love it. Have you seen the latest Tom Cruise movie? You will love watching it. It is used over and over again. This noble and most powerful emotion is applied to such triviality as “I love the colour red” or “I love my new shoes”. Yet, notwithstanding its clear overuse it loses none of its potency.
I seize on the power of this emotion in my works by utilising the phrase “I love you,but”. As soon as you hear those magical three words at the start, your ears prick up and you feel a surge of delight. He has told me again that he loves me, I feel wanted and special. The soaring sensation only lasts momentarily because attached to it comes a dual pronged attack the purpose of which is to control you.
When I say ” I love you but I wish you wouldn’t wear that dress,” I am criticising you for appearing like a slut. By linking my criticism in a sentence professing my love for you I am demonstrating just how much you are disappointing me by going out in such attire. I am figuratively punching you with a sugar-coated knuckleduster. It wounds and it is meant to do so. Furthermore, it contains a threat. If you do not do what I want, I will remove my love from you. Used repeatedly, this will feel like a boxer landing repeated jabs on you as it whittles away your confidence. I keep this potential loss hanging over you. It is a method of control. You will now change the dress because you do not want to lose my love. You will also tell yourself, because of the way I have conditioned you, that he is only saying it because he loves me, how good is that? He really cares about me so much he takes note of what I am wearing and is sufficiently interested to point out when I am wearing something he doesn’t approve of. You con yourself, for fear of losing my love, that my motivation is predicated on a real interest in caring about you. That is completely wrong. It is a tool of control. Listen out for it and you will soon notice how often it is used against you.