Both Dr O and Dr E repeatedly like to ask me about my childhood. I do not like to talk about it. I tell them that I do not like to and the reason for that is that I do not remember much about it and therefore I feel uncomfortable talking about something which I do not feel in control of. Everyone is like that though aren’t they? If you are making a presentation but you only have half the material, you feel uncomfortable don’t you? I you are asked a question by somebody but you do not have all the information to hand, you feel uneasy. I explained that was my response and that it was an entirely understandable one. I’m not telling them the real reason behind my recalcitrance. Not a chance.
Unfortunately, Dr O then gets the bit between her teeth in one of our sessions and decides she would like to talk to me about family.
“Who has pinched your bagel this week then? Your brother or your sister?” I shot back seeking to deflect her. She ignored my remark and pressed on.
“Is there anybody in your immediate family you would like to discuss with me?” she asked.
Where do I start ? Why would I want to talk about people I rarely bother with (save my brother)? Why is it that these people assume that I have some overriding desire to discuss a group of people who I am related to but have nothing in common with? What is the obsession?
I remained silent.
“Okay, how about I choose a family member and you tell me three things that you like about them and three things that you do not like about them. Just as something to start our conversation?” she suggested.
I remained silent.
“How about your mother?” she asked and looked at me expectantly.
I got up and left the room. I’m not playing that game with Dr O. No way.
I crave power. I want it more than anything else. It is the product of requiring all attention to be directed at me and upon me. The sensation of impregnability and might is epic in its effect. I want power. I want it over others and most of all I want it over you. The degree by which I shall pursue power is only limited by what I believe I can get away with. I take the view that owing to my special status I am above rules, codes of conduct, conventions, procedures and laws. Since I find myself unshackled by these hindrances, I am free to pursue my quest for the attainment of power with utter and total conviction. What I require is complete and total hegemonic domination. Hitler ? His invasions were Sunday afternoon walks in the park? Stalin ? He exercised plenty of power but where did it really get him? Genghis Khan? He showed promise. My single-minded focus goes beyond those men and is a never-ending mission to obtain power.
This power is best obtained when you are prevented from defending yourself. Yes, I want you to bend over and take it and thank me for it afterwards. You are not allowed to protest. You are not allowed to demur ,complain or heaven forfend put up and kind of fight. I want you disarmed and defenceless. That’s why I embark on such a savage campaign when I devalue you, that you end up completely confused and disorientated. I want you swaying, punch-drunk and eyes glazed, urging me to put you out of your misery. Once I have reduced to this state I know I can do as I please and that I have attained absolute power over you. Then the next victim will loom in my sights…….
My mother used to call me her ray of sunshine. As I got older, I asked her if she called me this because I brightened up her life. She told me, “No, it is because you are brighter than anyone else.” I cannot disagree with her. Years later, Becky (an ex girlfriend) told me that I thought I was the sun. I remembered what my mother had said but I had learned that Becky did like to compliment me so I stopped myself from saying my mother’s words and asked Becky if she described me as such because I lit up her life. She shook her head and replied,
“It is because everything has to revolve around you.”
I took issue with her comment. It is not the case that everything has to revolve around me, it just does. I think that is because of my innate magnetism. People enjoy being around me. I enjoy people being around me. I revel in their adoration. It is only right and proper that they recognise my brilliance and in so doing want to be near me, with me and praising me. I mean, who does not like to be praised? We all do don’t we? Nothing wrong in that. I think that because I get so much of it I find it addictive and I want more. I want people to admire and adore me. I know they should, but that doesn’t always mean they will. Of course, if they don’t I won’t waste my energy on them, there are much more deserving targets for my largesse. I heard someone say that you only get out what you put in. I agree ; I put people at the centre of my sights and they adore me in return. Perhaps if more people did this the world would be full of adoration and be a better place.
As keen students of my worthy and extensive knowledge do you think you are able to spot the wiles of the narcissist ? If so, read these publications and with red pen in hand place a circle around(or make a note if the e-book is preferred) the narcissistic traits, sayings and behaviours that you identify. Let’s see if you have been paying attention and can earn your narc hunter wings !
As part of my ongoing work with Dr O and Dr E I have been encouraged to tell them about the things that I say and the things that I do for them to consider and compile. I have been happy to oblige. They instructed me to place this distillation of my activities into a guide and they then added some observations as to the meaning of these actions and comments. They did most of the work for the meaning, albeit I framed it in my world view. The purpose of this is to demonstrate the cold calculation that lies behind my words and deeds because do understand that everything I say and do has been evaluated first as to how it will best serve my aims. Anybody who tells you that what I do not know what I am saying or doing is either misguided or lying. I know exactly what I am doing. Indeed, I think it was from the film Dangerous Liaisons that one character was described thus, ‘He does not open his mouth without first calculating the damage that he will cause.’ or words to that effect. That is me. Accordingly, the good doctors felt that not only would this provide excellent material for them to consider and for them to then discuss with me in order for me to gain an understanding as to what I say and I do (I already know that – I do it to gain fuel) but for it to serve as a rough and direct guide for other people. An in-your-face crash course in recognising the ways of me and my kind. I was only to happy to oblige as this provides me with a platform to show you all just how brilliant I am and as you know, I do love an audience. Interestingly, when detailing some of my key phrases I noticed Dr O shudder a few times and I am beginning to wonder if she has more vested in her study and treatment of me than she has admitted. I will be watching her most carefully. Accordingly, in order with the good doctors’ prescriptions I have compiled this guide for your digestion so that you may better watch out for me and my kind. No doubt, as the good empath that you are, you will wish to share this with those you care about, in order to ensure they are better protected. You can find the guide at the links below. Good luck.
I am akin to a god. I am omnipotent and omniscient. I regard people as chess pieces that I move hither and thither in pursuit of my endless games. I am angry and capricious, raining down my erratic and arbitrary judgement on those who I find offensive. Like any god, I must be appeased at that is your role. I have recruited you to provide repeated sacrifices. At first it will be your time, then your money. After that I demand the sacrifice of your outside interests and your friendships. Ever eager and indeed brainwashed to my ways, you will repeatedly comply in the hope that I shall shine my benevolent smile and make the world into which I have dragged you, well again. Like any addiction however, the cost becomes increasing greater and as you seek to halt the chaotic fury that I choose to unleash against you, you sacrifice ever more, oblivious to the fact that this god can never be appeased. Next comes your confidence, your self-esteem and your happiness. All are cast onto the altar and given up. You are encouraged in this awful pursuit by my disciples, those chosen few who wear the cloak of righteousness that I have given them. They act as I would act, carrying out my machinations and ensuring that you have nowhere to turn. Should you ever question my power and my actions, they will calmly explain to you why you are wrong and what you must do, their glassy eyes caused by their indoctrination to my way. My followers always do my bidding. They chant my mantras and undertake my works with a slavish devotion to my doctrines. They will cajole, coax and coerce until you provide the ultimate sacrifice to the cult of me. Your identity.
I have been asked by Andrea if one can exist without pain or joy?
The question presupposes that I am without pain or joy and therefore can I exist? The starting point must be therefore do I feel pain? Do I feel joy ? I shall deal with the latter first .Joy is defined as ” a feeling of great pleasure and happiness”. Now, I feel pleasure. I know that. Happiness? I have had to think about that and I have come to the conclusion that happiness is a lighter version a somewhat fluffy and amorphous sensation of what I truly feel. I feel power and elation. Happiness is lower on the scale. I don’t feel happiness. I leap from a neutral state straight to feeling powerful, infused and elated. Since I do not feel happiness and I see that happiness is regarded as a constituent part of joy, I can only conclude therefore that I do not feel joy.
What about pain? Of course we know two types of pain. Physical and emotional. If I hit my thumb with a hammer, boy it hurts, so that is that confirmed. As for emotional pain, well yes I feel that also. In fact I feel it more than you. The pain I experience is visceral, gut-wrenching and agonising. It sears through me and is most debilitating. Such is its intensity I am forced to take immediate action to remedy the hurt that I experience. The agony that I endure is total and vast. My world collapses in on itself, I am shrunken, withered and wounded. This state is brought about by your unnecessary criticism of me or your failure to engage with me. I must act promptly and with every resource I can muster to push through this pain and end it. It is a superhuman feat but by dint of rage or evasion I achieve it.
Thus I feel pain. Every single day. Imagine having to deal with that.
If the original hypothesis is that one does not exist unless one experiences pain or joy, then given that I experience pain then one can only conclude that I exist. But you knew I existed all right didn’t you? The damage and prescriptions confirm that.
I love sending text messages. They are a useful and inexpensive method of ensuring that I remain in the forefront of the thoughts of the relevant recipient. I do this to show how much I care about that person even when they are not with me. I am thoughtful in that way. It is important though that they reply straight away to my message as otherwise I become restless and that is fair to me. You see, I have been able to text them (even when I am extremely busy) and accordingly they should do so too. There is no excuse. In fact, I find it a particular affront if I do not get a reply and a suitably admiring one at that. For reasons of efficiency and speed I keep a stock of set texts which I utilise often and with different people. My standard texts are as follows
Where are you?
Who are you with?
Are you missing me?
When can I see you?
What are you doing?
I love you so much.
I’m too busy for you today.
I recommend this collection to you.
I had a session with Dr E. He wanted to discuss the notion of empathy.
“How does discussing empathy make you feel?” he asked.
“Let’s talk about how it makes you feel eh doctor?” I replied promptly and flashed him a winning smile. He looked up at me and gave me a wan smile.
“Very good,” he answered.
“I thought so,” I replied and stretched. He waited as he deployed one of his characteristic pauses. The floor was mine.
“Some people suggest that people like me lack empathy,” I began, ” I do not accept that. I have plenty of empathy. Consider this ; I am highly skilled at understanding what people feel and think. How else am I able to achieve my own aims? If I do not know how they will react to certain behaviours they are of no use to me. By understanding how they feel then I can say the right thing, make correct gesture and thus I gain. I need to know how they will respond to what I do.”
“I see. But are you genuinely trying to understand how that person is feeling or are you just utilising it as a device to extract what you want from them?”
I sighed. I honestly think Dr E is so busy trying to come up with the next question he does not hear my answers.
“That’s just what I said. My skill at ascertaining and guiding what people feel is excellent. My exceptional awareness to the feelings of others is the catalyst for my delight in inflicting emotional agony. I do not need to lash out with my fists when my honed sensitivity allows me to cause the maximum damage without lifting a finger. You know how I love to conserve my energy. If I do not know what people are feeling, how can I manipulate them? I am full of empathy, I truly am, but it is directed only for my benefit and use. There is none left for anybody else.”
I let my words hang in the air. Another win for me I believe.
During one session Dr E and I talked about relationships and friendships. More about that on another occasion. This discussion did however cause him to make an observation at our next session. He said to me
“You gather friends and lover very easily.” I thanked him for that and offered, without him needing to ask, that some of us have a natural magnetism. He nodded but I sensed that this was not what he actually wanted to talk about. I waited and he continued.
“You also end friendships and relationships after comparatively short periods of time.”
Before I could challenge him about what clearly was an attack, he pressed on.
“What interests me however is why you feel the need to reconnect with these people you have so readily cast aside, once again. Perhaps you could explain that to me.”
After due consideration (actually I was thinking about adding to my collection of whiskies but it does no harm does it to make Dr E think I am taking his question very seriously since he is a very serious man) I gave him my answer. I explained that I need to know that I remain appealing to them and that they will admire me once again. Sometimes it is because they have something that I want. He asked for an example. I said that one friend was a newspaper columnist and I wanted him to write-up a product I was promoting so I made contact with him once again to ensure that he would do this for me. I expressed contrition for me failure to keep in touch (I blamed a girlfriend for being jealous and controlling) and he accepted my explanation and happily wrote the article I requested. I’ve not spoken to him since. Dr E asked if it was necessary for them to provide me with something tangible such as money or a place to stay. I said I had both of those so I would not be seeking those out. I did offer that I have the repeated need to feel powerful and if I can regain their admiration after the way I got rid of them, then that makes me feel especially powerful. I also confirmed that I see it as a personal challenge. I need to know I can extract some more juice from them so that’s why I look to rope them back in. Dr E asked if anybody had every evaded my attempts at drawing somebody back in again. I nodded and confirmed just one person. Dr E sat up with an interested expression.
“Do you know how this person evaded you?”
“Yes,” I answered, “she died.”