Too Late to Sleep, Too Soon to Rise

 

 

You turn your head and there are the mocking electric numerals that glow showing 4:02 am. You waited up for us, in anticipation of our return. You wanted to ensure we were not too drunk and you were ready to provide us with a large glass of water and to ask how our evening went. You weren’t entirely sure where we had gone to or who with because our answers were vague, something muttered about friends and a new bar, but you knew better than to keep asking. You know if we want to tell you the detail we will do so, otherwise it is better to remain quiet. It wasn’t always like this. In fact, at one time we never went out without you. We either preferred to stay in with you, enjoying a pleasant evening of fine food, wine and a film or an early night in bed where we wrapped ourselves around one another, as we explored and delighted. You run a hand across the smooth sheet and it feels cold. There has been no body heat to warm the bed beside you. Once you would be able to turn and see us lying there, content and peaceful, a low snore emanating from our mouths as we lay on our back. Now you have to conjure up the image to see us there as it has been so long since you have seen us there.

You eventually headed to bed as midnight came and in your usual way you were concerned that we had not yet come home but exhibiting that reasonable approach you are known for, you preferred to tell yourself that we are obviously enjoying ourselves and you would be better served heading upstairs and going to sleep. Except you cannot. You close your eyes and all you see in your mind’s eye are pictures of us cavorting with other women. You do not recognise their faces but they are young, smooth-limbed, scantily clad and wrapped around us, a writhing tableaux of flesh with us at the centre. You wish you did not think in this way but this is what always forms in your mind whenever we are late. You wish you did not consider what might be going on but truth be told we have not given you the attention or assurances that we once did. Now you feel that you are being mocked by us as we pour our attention on someone else. You turn and look again at the clock and see barely five minutes have passed. Where are we? You would call but know there is no point. The ‘phone will either be switched off or it will be on silent shoved in a pocket somewhere to ensure there is no interruption. You wish your paranoia was just that but you know there is no good reason for us to be out this late. There never is. The evidence has been steadily mounting as these late night excursions increase in frequency from monthly to weekly. You have smelt the strong perfume on us when we have eventually appeared and slid silently beneath the sheets. You have noticed on other occasions the smell of soap or shower gel as it is clear that we have washed away the recognisable scent of sex from our loins, our fingers and our mouths. Sometimes on hearing us enter the house you have sprung up and switched on the light in the hallway, framing us in a bright light as we stand there. You looked over us and note how we actually look a little too composed, hair smoothed into place, shirt tucked in as if we have prepared how we looked before returning. That half-smirk we always wore as we looked at you never helped.

You used to ask the questions,

“Where have you been?”

“What time do you think this is?”

“What on earth have you been doing?”

But you were always brushed off. No matter what approach you adopted, concern that we might have been in an accident, upset that you have missed us, anger at our lack of consideration by returning so late (or so early dependent on how you regard it) it never engendered the reaction you wanted. We showed no shame, no guilt, no sorrow. In fact, it was quite the opposite, a swaggering arrogance as we stood soaking up your emotional output. That always surprised you. You thought we would slink away or push past you, telling you to shut up, but no, we just stood and let you unload on us. Yet more mockery and always with that strange look in our eyes as if we were regarding prey and that salacious slant of the mouth. What were we really thinking about as you tore a strip off of us or cried at how late it was and begged to know what we had been doing.

Now there is no point. You remain in bed hoping for the release of slumber but it never comes. So many questions reel through your mind.

Where are we?

Who are we with?

Do we kiss her like we used to kiss you?

Do we love her?

It hurts but you cannot let go. You want us to explain ourselves, provide the confirmation to you about our infidelity and admit the numerous transgressions but it does not happen. Eventually we appear, sliding in besides you but always somehow managing to radiate that air of do not question us, we do as we do. Each time it seems to become later and later until now it has entered the realm of preventing you from sleeping but it never being worth rising. The anxiety remains, sweeping over you as you are caught between wanting to confront us and not wanting to do so, because to take such a step will amount to an admission that there really is someone else. For now, you accept the explanations which we offer the next day.

“Ran into some friends I have not seen for a while so it became a late one.”

“Perfume? Yes, there was a lady who I know through work in the bar and she was wearing a lot of perfume.”

“You can smell soap? Well I do wash my hands after I have used the bathroom you know.”

“I lost track of time.”

“I was enjoying myself and wanted to carry on, is that such a crime?”

The comments are always made without looking directly at you, but we shoot you a sideways glance as if to check whether you are swallowing our lies. You recognise the signs now but still you cling to the hope that it is not true, that the lies are truths and that there is nothing to be concerned about. You wish you didn’t feel this way but you still love us and do not want to lose us, you fear the emptiness of a world without us and so you accept this status of being forgotten about as we embrace the night. You are resigned to your position of remaining awake, fretting and worrying, knowing that you are probably furthest from our minds. You cannot help the way you feel, but sometimes, as you lie in the ice-cold bed, the first rind of dawn breaking beyond the blinds, you wish you didn’t feel at all. Perhaps then this paralysis would vanish, this existence between something and nothing, the continuance of not quite knowing but not being ignorant either. That is what pains you the most. This living in between. This surviving in the spaces, residing in the gaps, occupying the hinterland between things. It is draining. If only you could remove your paralysis and reach one place or the other. As it is, you turn and glance at the clock once again and see that it is now too late to sleep and too soon to rise. You are in-between yet again.

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The 5 Wants of the Narcissist

 

  1. I want your fuel

 

I want your fuel. I want it all and I want it from you, him, her, them and especially you. I want it from the moment I rise until the moment I am embraced by slumber. I want it pouring over me, potent and plenty, gushing from you. I want your positive fuel, the joy, the adoration, the love, the passion and the praise. I want your negative fuel, the hatred, the anger, the tears and the fear. Pour it over me, immerse me in that edifying, invigorating and sustaining fuel. There is never enough and I want to keep on experiencing the surge as your fuel increases the flames inside me, burning and rising, powering me as I blaze a trail through the do. I want your fuel now, tomorrow and always.

 

  1. I want to engulf you

I am immense, a giant, a prince amongst men, a behemoth that moves with ease and purpose about the earth. I want to subsume you into me, ensuring that there is no trace of you left as I fully integrate you into what I am. I want my tendrils to reach out to you, feeling their way towards the fuel vapours that emanate from you, their probing senses tracking you down. I want them to coil about you and pull you towards me, binding you to me until steadily I suck you into my world and into my false reality. I want you hooked up, connected, locked-in, attached and embedded as little by little I consume you and encompass you with my greatness. You will not resist for the elation and delight that you experience as this process happens is irresistible. I want to own you, I want you to become part of me, I want there to be no start to you and any end to me.

 

  1. I want to be the one

I want to be the one that you think of all of the time. I want you to be the person that you orbit around, your sun, your centre of the universe. I want to be the one that is recognised for my greatness, for my brilliance and my achievements. I do not care that I have exaggerated them or stolen them from others whom I have brushed against, stripping away facets of their character to add to my own. I have no care for that. All I care is that I am the one towards whom heads turn when I enter a room. I am the one who is applauded. I want to be the one who leads, conquers and smites. The destroyer of worlds, the creator of new ones, a god. I want to be the one whose power radiates from him so that is tangible to all those who look upon me. I want to be the one who shocks and awes. I want to be the one who does. I want to be the one who rules, who presides and who dictates. I want to be the one you rely on, turn to and devote yourself too. I want to be the one who is credited for all successes, I want to be the one who is your alpha and your omega, your first thought and your last thought. I want to be the one whose name you utter with your dying breath.

 

  1. I want your essence

I am the stealer of souls, the charlatan that comes and with sugar-coated promises and offers you the world in exchange for your very essence. You never realise that this is the cost of this transaction but I want to suck the essence from within you, drain you of it and consume it for myself. I want to leave you a broken, dried out husk. I want your essence to fill the gaping hole that endures inside of me. I want that sweet, wonderful essence to flow through me, easing the pain, soothing the fevered freneticism and bring comfort and relief. Like a purifying river, I want your essence to course through me, sweeping away the disease that riddles me. I want your essence to wipe away the dirt, remove the smears and eradicate the stains. I know I flirt with all kinds of dirt, but your essence will save me from such temptation. That is why I want it.

 

  1. I want it to stop

Or do I?

A Question of Love

th (18)The eternal question. Philosophers have cogitated about it, writers have espoused long works dedicated to answering this question, poets have waxed lyrical on this notion and pop stars regularly beseech us to consider it. I like things to the point so I went straight to the dictionary and it defines love as

“A strong feeling of affection”

I am often scathingly criticised that I don’t really love people or that I have no comprehension of love. What nonsense. I feel a massive sense of affection for you when we first meet. In fact, I would wager that the intensity of my feeling for you goes above and beyond what anyone else feels. Why else would I want to spend every moment of every day with you? Why else do I take you to delightful places, furnish you with expensive gifts and shower you with my well-chosen words of affection and desire? I feel an intense connection with you, often from the beginning and that is the catalyst for me burning with passion for you. Who is to castigate me for those feelings? How can it be said that I do not feel love when the way I feel conforms, no, exceeds the definition of love? Do you know what I attribute that to? Jealousy and envy. It is always those who look upon our perfect love and declare that it is false and unreal. What do they know? Nothing. They are just caught up in their own empty and bitter shells, envious that they do not have what we have. I know what I feel for you. I am in touch with myself to such a degree that I m able to express it to you through thought, word and deed. Indeed, many of my former girlfriends have remarked that the eloquence by which I conveyed my love for them was remarkable and unparalleled. So yes I do love. My form of love may not be the same as yours, but then whose is? My version is sweeter, greater and all encompassing.

Just because it does not last does not mean that it is not love. Its ephemeral nature is your fault, not mine.

Narcissist or Sociopath (Out of the Frying Pan and into the Fire)

 

 

This is a conversation that crops up quite frequently in terms of ascertaining whether somebody is a narcissist or a sociopath. It is something that I have discussed with the good doctors as part of their ongoing assessment and treatment of me. This has provided me with additional insight which I am obliged to share with you. It is universally acknowledged that all sociopaths are narcissists but not all narcissists are sociopaths. Rather than regard narcissists and sociopaths as two separate creatures, I regard them as existing on the same spectrum. You are on this spectrum as well just so you don’t feel left out.

Way off to the left are those people who exhibit some slight degree of narcissistic tendency, since everybody has them and this is where you are your empathic brethren reside. Moving to the right the intensity and the prevalence of these narcissistic tendencies increases although one would still not call somebody at this juncture a narcissist. Eventually as we continue to the right we enter the narcissist zone. Hereon in one finds the narcissist. To begin with, in this zone are those who I label as Lesser Narcissists. These people are narcissists but do not have the higher cognitive function. These people have no awareness of what they are, reject any notion they are a narcissist and operate in the main as a consequence of instant response and knee-jerk reaction. Moving further to the right come those who are the Mid-Range Narcissist. These are narcissists too but they have a cognitive function which is higher than that of the lesser. They have a greater awareness, there is some calculation and forethought but this is as a consequence of their higher function, not as a consequence of a prevailing sociopathy. Continuing to the right on this spectrum we now enter the sociopathic zone. We remain in the narcissistic zone still because the narcissistic traits remain evident but they are supplemented and indeed in some instances supplanted by the sociopathic tendencies. This is where we find the Greater Narcissist (the malign narcissist or the narcissistic sociopath). This is the overall spectrum ranging from few narcissistic traits which are weak in nature all the way through to a full-blown narcissistic sociopath.

This spectrum is an accumulation of Character Strands. These strands also operate on a spectrum. At the far left there is non-existent, moving through to occasional, then repeated, then prevalent and finally on the far right, overwhelming. These strands show the intensity and strength of certain key characteristics. Once these strands are bundled together there is a cumulative outcome which places the person at a particular point on the narcissistic spectrum. These strands explain why you may find someone who is to be regarded as a lesser narcissist because some strands show increased tendencies, for example prevalent Self-Interest but then lower intensity in another characteristic such as Malice. Just because somebody is a Mid-Range narcissist it does not necessarily follow that all the Character Strands are middling in nature. Some might be, others will be lesser and some higher, but it is when these are looked at as a whole that the determination of that person being a Mid-Range narcissist is arrived at. This also means that those people who have sociopathic tendencies will score differently in the character traits but will have some similarity with others, denoting the narcissistic element of their personality.

Thus a Lesser Narcissist is far more narcissistic than sociopathic and has a lesser cognitive function. A Mid-Range Narcissist is more narcissistic than sociopathic, but has a higher cognitive function than a Lesser Narcissist. The Greater Narcissist has narcissistic traits and also sociopathic ones and is high functioning.

With regard to the strands the Lesser, Mid-Range and Greater Narcissists all score higher than a “normal” person but there are still differences thereafter between the three, with some characteristics being greater in others and therefore the eventual “type” of narcissist will vary.

So, what are these Character Strands? They are as follows: –

 

Charisma

Reading People

Lack of Empathy

Desire to Exploit

Self-Interest

Lack of Accountability

Lack of Insight

Patience

Ability to Mimic

Power and Control

Calculating

Desire to Punish

Desire to Win at All Costs

Need for Stimulation

Spadework to Succeed

Malice

 

How then do the intensity markers – Non-Existent, Occasional, Repeated, Prevalent and Overwhelming – apply to each of these Character Strands and what levels on each strand combine to create one of the three schools of narcissist? At this stage, I thought I might leave that with you to consider by reference to your own experiences before I elaborate further.

Should I Get in Touch

 

 

The creation of anxiety and uncertainty are twin concerns which we engender in much of what we do. Both have the effect of stopping you from doing things, preventing you from analysing matters in an effective way and ultimately from helping yourself to escape our hold. One way of doing this is through the Prior Warning Silent Treatment. Now, it is our usual fashion, when applying a silent treatment not to tell you what we are doing. If it is a Present Silent Treatment, we remain in close proximity to you but we do not speak or respond to you. You soon realise that it is a silent treatment but you were not fore-warned. The Absent Silent Treatment is where we absent ourselves from your presence. We may just walk off, we may leave as expected but then stay away or we may just not turn up when expected and it often is a short while before you realise that you are being subjected to a silent treatment, you just think initially that you cannot contact us or we must be busy and it is only later that you realise we are giving you an  Absent Silent Treatment,

The Prior Warning Silent Treatment relies on telling you that we do not want you to contact us but it is still not immediately obvious that it is a silent treatment that is being meted out towards you. Consider these phrases, for instance: –

 

“I will be in meetings all day so don’t contact me.”

“I will be sleeping so don’t call me. I will call you when I am ready.”

“There is a poor signal in the area so I will be incommunicado for most of the trip.”

“I need some space for myself, so please don’t get in touch. I will ring you.”

“I have a lot to do today so don’t call or message me.”

They all seem like legitimate reasons for not being in touch for a period of time but when uttered by us what we are really telling you is,

 

“Time for a silent treatment and I wonder how long you can cope with it?”

 

The timing of this Prior Warning Silent Treatment is the key to recognising it. First of all, it is less likely that we will say the things above during the seduction unless they are actually true, but there will be a Comforting Caveat attached to the statement. Accordingly,

“I will be in meetings all day so don’t contact me, but I will pop out and give you a call when I get a chance, because you know how much I miss you.”

“I will be sleeping so don’t call me. I will call you about 8 o’clock. If you haven’t heard from me by then, do ring me.”

 

“There is a poor signal in the area so I will be incommunicado for most of the trip, so I will find a landline on which you can reach me and will let you know what it is as soon as I can. I wish you were coming with me. I hate being apart from you.”

 

“I have a lot to do today so don’t call or message me, until 1pm please unless of course it is an emergency, but I will message you when I can because I miss you.”

Notice how there is no talk of needing space. This is because we do not want space from you during the seduction, far from it. Indeed, we will reluctantly accept an enforced absence from you during seduction and if possible try to re-arrange appointments and the like to ensure we spend time with you.

The Prior Warning Silent Treatment is doled out during devaluation and when there are specific circumstances. We do this when we know that you have concerns that we are interested romantically in someone else, that we are spending time with someone else and our motives (and theirs) are unclear. In essence, when we are triangulating you (although you probably will not realise this is what is happening) we will issue the PWST. We do this because it enables us to wield power over you by telling you and controlling you in terms of whether are permitted to engage with us. It also means that you are told there will be a silence (although you won’t necessarily know that it is a silent treatment) from the beginning. We know this will cause you to wonder whether the silence is real and thus your anxiety will begin. You will feel uncertain about whether we really are non-contactable and whether we are doing something else. The problem is, we know you only have a suspicion and nothing concrete.

Accordingly, when you know we are apparently uncontactable you wonder who we are with and what we are doing. This makes you anxious. This provides us with fuel even though we do not witness it because we know how you will be feeling. We know that: –

 

You will be toying with messaging us to see if it is received

You will be toying with messaging us to see if it is read

You want to ring our mobile to see if it actually rings

You want to ring from a withheld number to see if we answer and if you can discern any background noises

You check our social media profile to see if there have been any updates there when we are supposedly unable to contact anyone.

 

You are torn between wanting to get rid of the anxiety and find out what is really going on and the risk of getting it wrong and upsetting us. You fear that we have an interest in someone else and we are actually spending time with them. If you do not do something, this time is unchallenged. This other person may not know about you but if you get in touch with us and make yourself known, then you are laying down a marker to the other person and possibly warning them away from us. You will also find evidence of us having lied which you will want to use against us. At this stage you have no desire to be rid of us. On the contrary the devaluation is such that you want things to work out and return to the golden period again, but you cannot stand this uncertainty. You wish you could make a decision but what if we have told the truth and you interrupt us in a meeting? Not only will we furious with you, we may well hold it against you in the future (you are damn right we will). But then again, if we are with someone else and perhaps we know that you suspect and you do nothing about it, we might think you do not care and do not want to fight to keep us? It is quite remarkable the effect uncertainty and anxiety can have on someone who is being made to feel steadily more and more insecure.

All the while we are drawing fuel from this. If we have told the truth, we gain fuel knowing you will be anxious. More likely it is a lie and we are either with someone else or just wanting to be away from you. In either instance more fuel is gathered and we exert our control over you by this Prior Warning Silent Treatment. You have the dilemma of whether you should contact us. What would you do?

Good Intentions

 

I want to give you my perfect love.

I want to look over you, protect you and care for you. I want to spread my wings and shield you from any harm that might come your way. I want to see you smile. I want to hear your uplifting laugh. I want to see you shine.

I want you to feel adored and special, I want you to feel my love for you that is beyond anything you have ever known before.

I want to feel your gentle touch upon me, I want to engulf you in my all consuming and never bettered passion, I want you to moan in delight at my touch and caress.

I want to be with you every moment of every day. I want to hear your voice calling my name. I want to see your texts filling my inbox. I want to see your name listed several times amongst the missed calls.

I want to be your sun so I light up your life and you orbit around me. I want to be your sole giver of warmth and life, the very thing, the only thing that you come to rely upon.

I want to dress you in finery, the best that I can afford. I want to see you wear what I suggest you wear and that you put that dress on just for me.

I want you to breathe my air, letting it fill your lungs and tasting so sweet that you will never want to breather the air of another.

I want you to see the world through my eyes, I want you to think the same way as me, I want you to anticipate my thoughts ,words and deeds as if you are living through me.

I want you to be a part of me. I want you to not know where you begin and where I end. I want you to taste what I taste, hear what I hear and speak with the same tongue as me.

I want you to become within me, assimilated into my being, an extension of me. I want you to discard everything you have known before and embrace me in totality. I want you to cast away your identity, your support groups, your social networks and instead be utterly dependent on me for your every need.

I want you to forget who you were.

I want.

The Grief, The Whole Grief And Nothing But The Grief

 

 

Grief. You may think that this is an alien concept to our kind. It is and it is not. On the one hand we do not feel grief but we do understand what it is and what it engenders in other people especially those who are empathic in nature and who have been entangled with us. We have watched with an almost child-like curiosity when you have received news about the passing away of a relative. If this happened during the golden period, you at least received some false empathy in the shape of some fabricated support and understanding to make it look as if we at least cared in some way. If your pet died during the devaluation, a long-loved pet, then we will have watched your display of sadness, longing and grief with contempt and jealousy. We would not have supported you but instead said something to provoke you such as,

“I don’t know why you are so upset, it’s just a dog.”

So that you focused on us again rather than wallow in your own grief. We have witnessed grief in others, observed and learnt how it is displayed. We have listened (when it served a purpose for us) during the golden period as to how it makes you feel and stored all of this information away. We do not feel grief. We may exhibit is for the sake of appearances if this will garner fuel for us and to preserve the façade, but it is never felt. You however experience grief in an intense fashion, given your capacity to feel and to empathise. We have seen your grief over a deceased relative, a friend taken suddenly and violently in a car crash, the celebrity who you adored who has passed away after a long battle against illness. We know just how capable you are of grief and we know that not only does it have the potential to be a potent source of fuel but we recognise its paralytic effect on you. Grief takes a hold and has the capacity to prevent you from functioning effectively. Not only that, its paralysis is such that it can prevent you from escaping this state of grief, keeping you locked-in a grieving mode, unable to move forward. Grief is an intense emotion. We have seen this. From the wailing cries of a parent being told that their child’s body has been found after they have disappeared to the dignified grief of a war veteran stood in silence with a single tear trickling down his or her cheek as they pay tribute to their fallen comrades. Whether noise or silence accompanies this grief it remains a powerful emotion and naturally one that our kind is keen to draw on for the purposes of extracting fuel. We see grief as serving two functions. Keeping you in a state of paralysis and therefore it follows that you will keep pumping out potent negative fuel for us to extract.

Now, I am not suggesting that I will embark on some kind of killing spree slaughtering your pets, taking down your favourite celebrities and murdering your friends and family, in order to create this repeated state of grief. Whilst one might see certain attractions in doing so, the effort involved and moreover the considerable downsides to such a course of action mean that it is not one that we would embark on. No, instead there is an alternative way of looking to create an enduring state of grief on your part. We want you to grieve for us.

This does not involve us taking our own lives. We rarely commit such an act. We will threaten it, certainly, as part of a hoover, but we regard the world as needing us and therefore we will extremely rarely commit suicide. We will however cause you to grieve for us and we do this when we eventually discard you after a harsh devaluation. When this discard takes place we will leave you with three losses over which you will grieve. Your grief will be prolonged because there are three losses and thus this maximises not only the prospect of paralysis but also a longer period of the provision of potent fuel.

The first loss is the loss of who you thought we were. You were seduced and swept off your feet by this charming individual who mirrored everything you liked and disliked. We ticked all the boxes, we professed to be your soulmate, we gave you a perfect love, made every day special and had you excited to see us and hear from us. We created such a wonderful start to the relationship, unlike anything that you had experienced before. We understood you, we cared, we showed you such passion, we listened and engaged in those things which you always wanted to share with someone else. We wrapped ourselves around you, permeated your very core and entwined our lives so that you were never happier and you could never comprehend a time when such delicious rapture would end. But it did and how.

The loss of something so brilliant and splendid hurts you and feels like you have suffered a bereavement so intense and painful is the experience. Even though you hear the words that it was an illusion, that none of it was real and that you need to let go, it is still so hard to accept all of that and you miss us. Oh how you miss us. You miss that wonderful person we were at the beginning and you want that person back. No matter how many times you are told that he or she was just a creation, that it was an illusion designed to fool you and that we never loved you and never meant or felt anything we said to you, it is still incredibly hard to accept. Just like someone who cannot accept that someone who has died will not walk through the door at any minute, you cannot accept for a considerable time that the person you thought we were has gone. We know what you will be thinking (because we have caused you to think and feel this way) and although we may not always see your grief-ridden response to our absence we know what you will be thinking and feeling and this fuels us. Even greater is the fuel from your messages telling us you miss us, that you want the “old me” back and begging for another chance. Your grief for loss of the person that you thought we were, is both huge and prolonged.

The second loss that you sustain and grieve for is the loss of the potential that we showed to you. There was no doubting that we were brilliant at our job. You saw the plaudits and you felt the benefit, for a time, of the accompanying pay cheque. You saw the trophies amassed for our various achievements in different fields and you heard other people speak so highly of our accomplishments. The compassion, kindness and love that we showed to you and to others (although false) still causes you to think that somewhere we are truly capable of this goodness, if only we would harness it and let it be free. You have witnessed two things. The reality of our drive to be the best and the accompanying good that such drive and ambition brings – a surgeon saving lives, a scientist inventing cures, an entrepreneur creating wealth and jobs, a policeman making the neighbourhood safer, a teacher educating so many people to a high degree – means that our rampant desire to be the best has the considerable potential to actually do good for others. You also saw something in terms of the way that we treated you and as an empathic individual you still believe that this goodness can be freed and used to both our benefits so that we are both happy together. You came to regard us as a wounded and hurt person and in conjunction with your innate desire to heal and fix, you felt that if you could heal us then the mutual benefits would be amazing. There was so much potential waiting to be unlocked and utilised and now with our departure and your discard, that potential has been lost. You grieve this loss of opportunity and how things might have turned out oh so different. You want to turn back the clock, do things differently and the inability to do so causes you considerable grief and pain.

The third area of grief which you sustain from coupling with us is not grieving over us, but it stems from being with us and that is grieving the loss of your identity. Before we came along you were happy, independent, strong, bright, well-liked by family, friends and colleagues. You had many interests and you enjoyed life. Yes, there were flaws and vulnerabilities but you handled them as best you could as you forged a path through life knowing who you were. Then we came along.

We subsumed you into us. We eradicated your characteristics as we either stole them for our own construct to show the world or we eroded them through the steady application of our vicious manipulations. Your confidence evaporated, your self-esteem disappeared and your self-worth plummeted. You became steadily isolated, losing friends, neglecting your interests and even become distant with family. You allowed yourself to be fully consumed by us. It was entirely understandable how this happened because we wanted it to happen and we acted in a manner to cause it to happen, but nevertheless your loss of identity was a steady and insidious consequence of the grip we held over you. Now, as you sit alone, ruminating on what once was, grieving the loss of who you thought we were, the loss of the potential, you are also hit by the loss of who you were. You no longer recognise that face which stares emptily at you in the mirror each morning. The world is grey and drab, music sounds harsh and grating, conversations irritate and make you fearful, even your favourite foods taste like ash in your mouth. You have lost yourself and the sense of foolishness from allowing this to happen and the grief arising from such a loss is substantial.

This triumvirate of grief arising from entangling with us provides us with substantial fuel and we know that burdened by not just one or two, but three forms of grief, it will take you a long time, if ever, to escape the effects.

Ten Rejections of Intimacy

 

 

 

We embrace the trappings of intimacy because we know this is what you expect when our relationship commences. You want to touch us; you want to be touched. You want to gaze into one another’s eyes and revel in what you see there. The tenderness of the kiss, the tingling sensation that arises from the briefest of brushing touches and the safety and security of a hand being held. We endure all of this in order to maintain the illusion of our perfect love and to provide you with that which you have been conditioned to expect as denoting love, affection and passion. Such intimacy repeatedly hints at a place we would rather not go but the necessity of your seduction means that we focus on the task in hand and dispel those occasional thoughts of what that intimacy means and signifies. Those considerations are banished as we press on with our crusade and complete our quest. Once our tendrils are wrapped around you, our fangs sunk deep into your emotional jugular and the fuel flows, then the provision of such intimacy can finally and thankfully be turned to a better application, namely conveying rejection to you and in turn bring about despondency, humiliation and confusion. Whilst we prefer words to do our work, these rejections work marvellously well because of the effect that they have on you and the economy of effort that comes with them. Provision takes effort. Denial comes easily. Here are ten rejections of intimacy.

 

  1. No eye contact

I don’t want to mirror you any longer but I don’t want you seeing the lurking darkness in my eyes, not just yet. Instead I will settle for evading looking at you, creating the sensation that I cannot bear to look upon you, which is rather accurate because now you are reminding me too much of what I despise and I would rather look elsewhere.

 

  1. Kissing the top of your head

We know you want to be kissed on the mouth but that isn’t going to happen. Not today and not for a while until I decide I can stomach doing so in order to get something from you that I want. I will kiss you on the head, tilting your head down, making you lower yourself in front of me as I place the patronising light kiss on the top of your head. You are a child to me, someone who knows no better and has to be guided by me. You are bowing, showing fealty through this gesture for I am your ruler and your liege.

 

  1. Shuddering if you touch us

You cannot place boundaries for me. I go where I want. You however have no entitlement to me. You require my permission and especially so when it means violating my space. If you catch me unawares and touch me, no matter how lightly, I will give a violent shudder as if have been touched by something unpleasant so you are left in no doubt as to what I think about you.

 

  1. Turning our back on you in bed

This is done as soon as we climb into bed on the occasion we have deigned to provide you with our presence or not banished you from the bedroom with a well-time bout of aggression. You have your hopes raised of sexual union or at least the heart-warming pleasantry of cuddling up together. Instead you receive a glacial wall that is our back and if you think this is an invitation to “spoon” with us you will be sharply elbowed or back heeled away from us.

 

 

 

  1. Avoiding taking your hand

Once upon a time we always took your hand as we walked along the road, through a museum or around the shops, making you feel loved and showing the world that we were together. There was a time when we wanted everyone to know that you were ours. No longer. We will ignore the proffered hand, driving our own into our pockets or shaking off your hand if you happen to grab ours. You don’t decide to show others we are together; don’t you realise that one of my new prospects might see?

 

  1. Awkward Evasion

You try to place an arm around us and we suddenly jump up as if we have sat on a tack. You attempt to hug us and we move around you like a rugby player evading a tackle, often contorting ourselves into a move which would be more often seen in a gymnastics contortion. Our desire to wriggle away, duck under, escape and move apart suggests that your very touch might burn us. The exaggerated movement can leave you in no doubt that this was deliberate.

 

  1. One-sided hug

You have taken us by surprise and launched a hug at us, be it from the front, sides or rear. You will not have it reciprocated. There will be no return gesture, no warming and intimate response. We will stand like a block of ice, arms down by our sides, back stiff and stare straight ahead willing this uncomfortable moment to end.

 

 

 

  1. No longer naked

We once paraded around naked in front of you, letting it all hang out, without a care in the world. Truth be told we wanted you to look on our naked form and admire and it was also done to signal to your that we were entirely comfortable around one another in the buff. Now we behave like a coy virgin. We wear pyjamas in bed rather than sleep naked, we lock the bathroom door when we are in there so you cannot walk in on us and we always wrap a towel around us in order to cover-up our intimate areas so you cannot see us. If you happen to walk in unexpectedly when we are naked we will grab the nearest shirt, sombrero or fruit bowl to cover our modesty or dive behind a door, under a bed or out of the window. You don’t get to look any more.

 

  1. Proffering a cheek

You wait to kiss us and want to plant a tender kiss on our mouth. Others are looking and we must have consideration for the façade. An awkward evasion move now would be unwise and might invite unwanted speculation and comment. Instead we turn our head so you are left with no option but to plant that kiss on our cheek. We will not hold the cheek there either but pull away as soon as you embrace it. You are being given advance warning of your demotion from intimate partner to outer circle friend with this rejection tactic.

 

  1. Moving if you lean against us

You want to cuddle up next to us on the expansive sofa. If you do, we will get up and move to an armchair as soon as you begin to lean onto us. If you try and the sit in my lap, I will tip you up and deposit you on the floor as I leave the room and give you a silent treatment for pushing the matter too far. If I am lying down watching television and you try and climb on me, you may as well be trying to wrestle a crocodile as I will resist your advance and push you away before moving into a position which is easier to fend you off and send you a clear signal to sit elsewhere.

Five Reliable Conversational Derailments

 

 

We don’t do conversations. That suggests that it is an equal process where we listen to you and your opinion is respected and deemed as valid. During seduction our conversations are both information gathering exercises and monologues which are there to showcase our brilliance. Once we devalue you, our conversations with you are tirades, imperious and haughty speeches, vicious diatribes against you where we speak and you had better damn well listen. All conversations must be controlled by us. Our need for control is considerable because if we every allow you to hold centre stage then we are losing out. We risk losing fuel, we are allowing our innate superiority to be undermined and we are ceding control to you. This is why we must never allow you to think or even achieve some kind of dominance, even if slight, during a conversation over us. The conversation is a mechanism for our use, not yours. It is for us to shine, to avoid blame, to lash out at you, to hoover you back in and enable us to achieve what we want. It is our conduit and you just happen to be involved but on the receiving end. Achieving such domination and control of the conversational arena is absolutely necessary and to maintain such a position we engage in numerous manipulations. There are many which are deployed and here are five of the most popular ways we will derail a conversation for the purposes of maintaining or seizing control.

 

  1. The Blame Shift

If you are trying to accuse us of something or pin the blame on us in the course of a conversation this is against our rules. We will not allow this to happen. We are unaccountable and especially so to somebody like you. If you can hold us to account through a conversation, then this reduces our superiority and allows you control. In order to prevent you from achieving this will engage in a blame shift. Whatever you are accusing us of will be your fault. It does not matter if there is no logical link (in your world) between what you have accused us of and our response. These conversations are not governed by your logic but by ours. Our logic is that we must maintain control and therefore shifting the blame on to you, by any means, is a logical method of achieving this. There is the logic for you. Understand this and you begin to understand why we act as we do. Accordingly, you might accuse us of the following and be met with the response in bold.

“You have been seeing another woman, I can smell her perfume on you.”

“I’m not having an affair but if I was who would blame me? You never show me any attention or affection. You cannot smell perfume; you are just making that up.”

 

“Why haven’t you remembered to switch the oven on?”

“Why do I have to remember to do that? It is your job. If you spent more time getting on with what you are supposed to do, rather than trying to pick fault with me, this wouldn’t happen.”

 

“Why are you always trying to tell me what to do?”

“I don’t do that. You are over-reacting. I just suggest things for you because let’s face it, you aren’t really capable of making the big decisions yourself are you? That’s not me being horrible, that’s a fact, you are poor at decision-making. You should thank me for helping you.”

 

 

 

  1. Projection

This favourite method of derailing the conversation is so effective because it takes your breath away. By accusing you of doing the very thing that we are accused of (and invariably we are doing) you are so astonished at our bare-faced cheek, our audacity and our brass neck, that you lose sight of what you are talking about and end up focusing on the counter-allegation that we have just flung at you. You hate being thought of in an incorrect manner and because we project with such conviction, you are immediately drawn into engaging us on this point. You will fail to press on with your accusation against us and instead be side-tracked into discussing your own behaviour in a fruitless effort to try and persuade us that you have not done any of the things that we accused you of. You let your emotional response to such allegations take hold of you and this is entirely deliberate. Expect to hear comments such as these: –

 

“If you didn’t drink so much, you might begin to realise just how horrible you can be, but you can never remember because of your drinking.”

 

“You always take the last can of soda without replacing it. It is so selfish.”

 

“Me flirt? Have you seen the way you go on around Harry? Only last week you were all over him like a rash. It just wasn’t me that saw it and commented on it either.”

 

“You never turn up on time. I find it disrespectful.”

 

“You spend too much time thinking about your work and not enough concentrating on our children.”

 

  1. Interruption

You will not be able to finish what you are saying because of our repeated tendency and need to interrupt you. We do not consider anything that you have to say having any value. You are inferior to us therefore anything which comes out of your mouth must be inferior to. We do not recognise or respect boundaries and therefore we regard it as perfectly acceptable to talk over you and interrupt what you are saying. Our sense of entitlement means that we are always to be heard and if this means cutting across you, so be it. This can reach even childish extremes where we will say one word so you stop and then we stop. You try to speak again and we repeat the trick. We keep doing it, halting you from speaking until you continue talking and we speak over you or you storm off in frustration. You can expect to hear phrases such as these: –

 

“If you would just let me speak.”

“If I can get a word in edgeways.”

“Why don’t you listen for a change?”

“This is important.”

“I want to have my say for once.”

“If you actually listened you might understand.”

“No that’s wrong.”

“No, you are making this up.”

“I have to stop you there.”

  1. Topic Shift

We love to deflect and distract. We also exhibit a considerable capacity for moving the conversation away from what you want to talk about and thus have control, onto something we want to talk about. It might be espousing our virtues of having a go at you instead, but we will hijack the conversation and wrench it over to our preferred topic. You must not protest for if you do you will be accused of trying to monopolise the discussion and failing to listen to us. We are brilliant at talking about ourselves or finding some topic which we can take round and round and round as you feel yourself falling into a stupor. We rely on your innate empathic nature of politeness, good manners and being a good listener so we can abuse this and prevent you talking about something which matters to you. Nobody is interested in what you have to say. Expect shift comments such as these: –

 

“That’s all very interesting but let me tell you about….”

“That’s not important right now, but this is….”

“That is irrelevant, now let me tell you..”

“Oh I must tell you this, it is hilarious….”

“I have to tell you this before I forget….”

 

  1. Silent Treatment

The old favourite. If we do not like the way, the conversation is going then we will either walk off or sit in silence. This is often done when there is a conversation going on in a group setting as well where we are failing to dominate the discussion. We want to bring it back to us and therefore by sitting silent and sulking we hope to engender some sympathetic reaction that causes someone to comment on our silence or invite us to speak. When done in a one-on-one situation this is designed to ignore what you have to say, treat it as unimportant and make you feel uncomfortable. You will be forced to ask us what is wrong and then chase after us as we remain sullen and silent. Your comments are forgotten as the spotlight returns to us again and the conversation has been successfully derailed.

Read and understand all about narcissists from the best source possible. A narcissist himself.

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